God, that name hasn't killed me yet.
It just screams out regret.
I trusted you with everything.
And I obviously never meant a thing.
You helped me find myself.
Then you acted like somebody else.
You took away your pain.
You bowed down in shame.
You smoked and began to fly.
Fly higher than the sky.
Rarely were your eyes not glassy.
I though this whole mess was you being classy.
And to think I called you a brother.
Why even bother.
You were there when nobody else was.
Then you found a new buddy...
Drugs

If you crossed her and I in the halls you'd never think...
never once would it cross your mind that she is indeed not sick.
You all make assumptions.
Often wrong.
Yes, it is true her head is bare.
No, she is not dying.
No, she doesn't do it to revolt against people.
She doesn't do it to stand out.
No, absolutely no, it does not concern you or affect the quality of your life any.
Before you judge a person.
Before you give her your condolences.
Think...
just take a moment to think.
It doesn't involve you.
If you don't know ask.
Don't assume.

Alone, locked in the night.
Alone, here where there's never any light.
Hear me scream.
See me lean.
Over the edge I fall.
Lifeless like a doll.
Gravity pushes me down.
Then bam I hit the ground.

Today in an ****** epidemic,
Little feeling empathetic.
Empathetic for the young lives,
Affected by this epidemic.

Mothers, fathers popping pills to make them feel,
If it’s okay according to the FDA then this is a real ordeal.

Inflicting pain on the young hearts
Families once whole, now ripped apart, hard.

For pain they call it therapeutical,
In reality place the blame on Pharmaceuticals.

The doctors who prescribed the pills for pain,
Only for the addictiveness to take over the brains,
The brain keeping us sane until we swerve a little too far out of our lane,

Into the rubble the car crashes,
You know you’re in trouble when family dynamic is nothing but ashes,

Once a loving mother, father, sister, brother.
Now they can’t remember one another.
A simple prescription turning into a burden, an addiction.

Your once young teenage daughter
Until the day we caught her.

Locking her door,
Always wanting more.

It began simple with Marijuana,
Then someone asked, “You wanna?”

This will make you feel nice,
But she never asked, at what price…

A simple anxiety pill, Xanax,
Then everything downhill, she panicked.

A legal prescription “Medicine”
Quote from Tomas Edison,
“I have not failed, I’ve just found 100 ways that won’t work,
But with a smirk
Now she’s aware, that is the perk.

That’s the confliction, the confliction with the concept of addiction,
Definition of addiction, the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.
Now that’s the subscription, you subscribed to the addiction.
Paying for the new issue monthly
Only the best for you honey.

Full ride scholarship,
Until she slipped.

All the way down, rock bottom.
Hit the ground, she couldn’t hear them.
Screaming for her to stop,
Until the day she climbed to the rooftop,

She didn’t ever fall,
Maybe it would have been best for her after all,
If she jumped to let go,
Because after all we know how far she’ll go.

The constant desire,
The desire to light the fire,
The fire under her pipe, doing what the monster said was right.

The finding of the final stage, the monster,
The true destruction of your once perfect girl.
She took the blame,
Her mother claimed it was her who felt the pain,
The pain forcing her to take the blame when it was just her best interest to maintain,
Keep her brain happy before she go insane,
Insane from all the pain that a simple pill caused,
She’s simply trying to maintain…

Do we blame the victim?
Push them down kick them?
The true destruction of her mind,
Something legal,
Yet truly evil.

If it’s FDA approved,
Is it really okay to do?

I sit alone at lunch forcing myself to eat.
I know I have to eat.
If I don't keep food in my system I'll continue my downward slide.
Exhaustion
Pain
More exhaustion
More pain
Atleast the testing has begun.
They've already ruled out all minor things.
So from here forward I get to be poked again and again.

Summer feels like forever.
Not getting to see friends everyday.
Some friends even in different states.
I miss her.
I miss my friend.
We don't talk as much.
She's super busy.
I'm busy too.
Almost always sleeping.
Summer is a drag.

You are gone.
I was so little.
You left me on the streets.
You taught me to never trust humans.
I am a stray dog.
Wandering aimlessly.
My mom abandoned me as a puppy.
Thought pitbulls were ugly.
To everyone who ever abandoned their dog...
A big old duck you!

Such a vivid dream.
She walked up and wrapped her arms around me.
I remembered the way it felt when she's hold me close.
I guess I sorta miss it.
Last night I had a dream.

Such a vivid dream.
It was about her.
I miss her and wish she was here.
She made the choices she did.
I loved her a lot.
But now we are nothing but a past.

Such a vivid dream.
We sat in the grass at mendive.
We walked around the halls at the boys and girls club.
Over to the kids side.
I remember the staff would get mad.
Yes I do miss what we had.

My hands shake.
My voice breaks.
Sweat beginning to run down my head.
Starting to wish i was dead.
Talking to you is the scariest yet best thing.
But it exposes my doubts.
What if I'm not good enough?
What if she hates me?
We are friends right?
She's just been different lately.
I'm sorry I get this way.
It happens almost every day.
It's mostly because of anxiety.

Everything makes sense.
Everything has been leading me to this moment.
Everything has been pushing me towards her.
The ups and downs.
Emotional breakdowns.
The break ups.
The first time I saw her stars lines up.
They pointed me straight to this girl.
I disregarded it.
Now I see.
I see what you were doing.

I didn't mean to snap
I'm sorry
I made u upset
I hurt you
I made a promise
But then the silver screamed
It was only a little one
How bad could it be
I know it was the last
I try
I sorry

She went on a trip.
Away in the state.
She went on a trip.
Away from contact.
I wait til she's online.
Then I message her.
I feel quite annoying.
I just really miss her.
I miss her a lot.
She is one of the only people I talk to.
Now what do I do?
She's not here.
Emily I miss you.
I want to know how it was.
It looks like you had fun.
Whenever you get the time let me know.
I really miss you just letting you know.

It's been all for her.
I don't even know how it came to be.
How I even became so close to melody.
Today was different.
Can't decide if it was good or bad.
Today we kissed and I wonder if we should had.
In the bathroom hidden.
Her eyes stared into mine.
What would you do if I kissed you?
She whispered staring.
I smiled gently.
I'd let you Mel.
Then it happened.
Her lips locked with mine.
It was heaven but still I was terrified.
I hadn't kissed anyone for a year.
Anyone but Chae.
What if I ****** up?
What if...
Mel isn't Chae.
I was dazed.
She held me close after and I wrapped my arms around her.
She made everything okay.
I just wanted to stay there with her.
I wanted to kiss her again.
And again.
Instead I walked her back to class.
A different girl had walked in.
I want to be with melody.
I don't know what to do.

Fear... fear you have layen upon my body.
Fear... fear you have forced into hers.
Breaths... breaths you've taken away.
Made harder to breath.
You've brought a sickness over me.
I lay in this room secluded unable to force myself to get up.
Three days straight I've layen here.
Sick with this awful sickness.
Unable to move.
Today I got up though.
Today I found strength enough to remove myself from the room and eat something.
All thanks to a man.
He wished me the best and shared his story with me.
He told me believing you can fight is the hardest part and that I am strong.
I am strong.
I can get past whatever this world throws at me.
I will not let it bring me down.

Leaving for some random reason.
Excuse me miss, but I left my thing there.
Be quick.
Yes mam'm.
When I get into the hall I wait for her.
The sweet face of a girl with blue hair.  
We walk to wherever we are going.
Today it was the bathroom and RO.
We talk and laugh.
Hug.
She wraps her arms around me.
Somehow I can sorta tell when she wants to.
Creating some reason to.
It's wierd because she still asks.
Softly, can I hug you?
Yes of course love! No need to ask...
By her asking I wonder...
Who made you think you needed to ask to hug someone?
Love I don't mind when you hug me.
I may even like it more than you do.
Your touch is crazy.
The feeling it sends through me.
When you stare into my eyes...
**** you have such beautiful brown eyes.
You always claim your hair looks bad.
No love, it is absolutely amazing.
Everything about you is amazing.
Everything is perfect.
Please don't ever feel like you have to change.
Don't change for anyone.
You are beautiful the way you are.
Just the way you are...

A man who never would?
Or a man who never could?
The world has become a sad place.
A place where man hands man poison and begs him to taste.
Then the man stares.
As man dies man doesn't care.
All he does is stare.
He doesn't help.
He watches man scream and yelp.
Sorry my dear.
Nobody is here.
So as you can see,
Man ought to make a world of beauty.
A man who never would.
A man who never could.
A man who all along really should.

I lean over the edge. My feet never touch the ground, but I fly.

2. She ran her hand down my arm. Then she proceeded to wrap her arms around me.

3. Dancing is an outlet. Soaring to the music instead of putting a gun to you head and pulling the trigger.

No words can sum up the pain.
The pain I've felt for years.
No words can unstain the blade.
The blade I've used for years.
No words can mend my heart.
The heart you've crushed for years.
No words can take away my breath.
The breath you've held for years.
Carefully watching my step.
The steps you've controlled for years.
Tears streaking down my face.
The face you've abused for years.
Bruises line my body.
The body you've hit for years.
No nothing can take away the pain.
The pain you have inflicted for years.

Grab my hands.
Dance with me.
Pulled in close.
Stay here with me.
Yes you don't even know.
How much you really mean.
You are one of the reasons I breath.
Your every word draws me in.
Every move makes me weak.
Weaker to you.
Falling hard.
For once I actually want to fall.
Fall into you.
Feel your heart beat.
Your lips on mine.
Every kiss frightening and beautiful.
Wanting to grow old.
Only with you love.
Late at night.
Texting you til daylight.
Staying up as long as I can.
Dreaming of you.
Seeing you.
Morning lunch whenever we can.
Life's to short.
You say to live in the moment.
Never try to rush.
I'm always somewhere out of my mind.
Living strewn about over time.

Your every move has led me to her.
The beginning we were nothing.
Now she is everything.
How can someone care so much.
Always on my mind.
Wondering if she is okay.
I wear her sweatshirt.
It smells like her.
She wears mine.
My last name on her back.
Big red letters.
It's cute on her.
She is everything to me.
I love her with every ounce in my body.
I love her so much.
Nobody has a clue what I'm getting into to.

The polar bear died.
I cried.

There's not enough rain in Oklahoma to wash the sins out of that house.
So here I hide motionless like a dead mouse.
I began silent and died silent.
I began pale and unable, unwilling, to breath.
Now again I feel anxiety making it impossible to breath.
I thought I was making improvement.
I thought maybe for once in my life there was a chance I wasn't going to have to take meds the rest of my life to keep me alive.
That ship sailed.
I didn't take them yesterday and I already feel pain.
I feel the anxiety.
I feel the waves pushing me under.
I'm drowning again.
Mom says I need to take my meds.
I know I need to.
Sometimes I just forget.
The next day I am flung high into the sky then pushed down under the waves to the deepest parts of the ocean.
Here I will stay for a little.

Diner was calm.
The tv off not on.
We sat there like statues.
Pretending everything was fine.
Yes pretending was something you've always been good at dad.

I knew you lost your job.
I knew your car capped out.
Never once did I speak.

You knew I had relationship problems.
You knew I was becoming sicker.
Yet never once did you speak.

You were a homophobe.
You didn't want to believe half of it.
I didn't want to see your life go downhill.
Especially now.

So to ease the tension, I picked up the baby and got in the Prius and drove to my girlfriends house.
Just for you I kissed her like there was no tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
Me too.

The baby cooed.
She smiled gently.
Yes everything was okay.
But at the same time it wasn't.
I guess that's alright.
At least I have her and I'm still alive.
The tiny life will keep her company when I'm gone.
The tiny life will need her when I'm gone.
I can't be sad.
Looking back on the life I had.
A happy, for the most part, family.
Beautiful baby girl.
Beautiful significant other.
Beautiful childhood.
Surrounded by beauty.
Yeah life was good.

Call me back to home.
Don't make me walk alone.
Take me to the place I belong.
Teach me again how to be strong.
Please let me stay there.
Free my short red hair fly free.
Yes fly free just like me.

Mom screamed at night.
He never avoided a fight.
So as I sit here and I write, I listen to them yell.
Back and forth the voices always tell.
This was you fault the voices say.
No! No! No! Go away.
I can't listen anymore.
I slam closed the door.
One cut, two cuts more.
I feel the tears begin to fall.
Slam my fist into the wall.
What will they think?
I watch the blood drip in the sink.
Off my wrist the red falls.
Into a dark room my conscious crawls.
When mom finds me she screams and bawls.
How could you do this to me?
I'm sorry mom.
I know it was wrong.
When the blade turned red,
I don't know what got in my head.
I just couldn't put it down.
Then she began to frown.
Your not my daughter she said.
I downed a bottle of pills and like that I was dead.

I have a history.
One that's not so easy to read.
Just like a book with every turn of a page.
You must cringe at what you see.
My past.
My present.
My future.
All have been ashes.
I'm not easy to read.
The words are all twisted.
All scary.
Some pages are torn up like my wrists.
There are reasons I never wear bikini bottoms in the summer.
Always shorts so people don't ask about the cuts and burns.
I wear tattoos to cover up scars.
Yeah my book is very tattered.
Very broken.
Falling apart even.
But my book reflects my life.
That's okay.

All the voices here and there.
You are worthless screamed everywhere.
My thoughts scold me for the past.
She I knew you couldn't be in a relationship that last
Remember all the nights you spend together?
******* ****.
Hope you never get out of the depressed rut.
Go take another pill.
Drink till your guts spill.
Achohol poisoning might do you well.
That was why our relationship fell.
I got a habit.
One that became an addiction before I could grab it.
Remember the time the girls came and jumped me?
Left me there bleeding?
Yeah that was fun.
Who helped? No one.
I'm pathetic.
I'm a lunatic.
So drugged up I cant think straight.
So high I can't do great.
I'm an idiot.
Should have never slept with her.
She was my murderer.
I'm an idiot.

The way I deal with my problems.
It isn't the best way.
Sneaking out to get the things I need.
Coming back high and unable to think right.
Yeah the street lights are blurs.
It's how I deal with losing her.

The way I deal with my problems.
Isn't always the right way.
I get in fights a lot.
The pills make me manic.
I no longer take the ones that calm me.
Instead I chose to stay up high.
Until I crash real low.
That's how I deal with losing her.

Now it is the world.
Yes love, the world standing between us.
But I am here.
The world can be left in the dust.
I will always be here love.
Always.
When words are spit at us,
Those words won't matter.
When people threaten violence just be aware that the violence is never the answer.
We are safe.
We are okay.
The humans can't hurt us if we don't let them.
So no I will not fight.
I will not spur words of hate.
I will stand my ground and keep you close.
When the world knocks us down we have each other.
Now I am not afraid.
Afraid of what the world can do.
Yes I am frightened of the people in the world.
But we are strong.
We are stronger than we know.
I love you.

Many different people are out...
The sunset so beautiful.
Then it goes down.
Darkness.
Her and I sitting on the hill.
The peaceful noises around us.
Sitting close.
Her hand in mine.
She's so beautiful.
Especially her eyes.
The color drawing me in.
I lean in to kiss her and she pulls back smirking.
She asks, what's on your mind?
I can't even begin to describe it.
So here in the dark we sit.
Our words minimum, barely any.
The shadows surround us, so many...
I pull her close and kiss her.
I melt just by her touch.
She's amazing.
The way she wispers in my ear...
The way she freezes and stops when others are near.
The way she has to be high to feel alive.
The way she can talk half the night and still be nowhere near ending the conversation.
The way she smirks when looking me in the eyes.
****... I can't get her off my mind.
So **** amazing.
So love, when you ask what's on my mind, just know it's too much to describe.
I have nothing to hide.
I'm just mesmerized.

Nope no pain.
Deep down under my sleeves I press down on cuts.
The cuts hurt bad.
Bad like everything memory.
I say it's just allergies.
That's the reason I look like I'm crying.
It's never allergies.
It's a little problem I like to call heartbreak.
When you fall for someone and they don't love you.
So many times this has happened.
Just great.

Plans and dreams,
Turned to nothing,
Shadows in the night,
Seemed to give me a bit of delight.
You walk away.
I was speechless with nothing to say.
Now my friends are the shadows.
I'm tired of people who just come and go.
You finally love somebody.
Then they leave you trapped in your mind.
Lately it's hard to find,
Any noises but the soft whispers.
The ones only I can hear.
No longer safe in my head.
Not yet to the point of wishing I was dead.
Thoughts always spinning around.
My body was Nowhere near the ground.
High above reality.
Never realized what was happening.
All I knew was I had her and she had me.
But that was never the true story.
Two broken souls.
No story to be told.
Both too broken to ever love.
Putting there future behind them.
Only to return to the emptiness.

A.S
a random write. Nothing true about it.

My spaniel puppy lays on my feet.
I'm at home comfortable under my blue blanket.
It's a soft blue blanket probably one of my favorite possessions.
The spaniel puppy is warm and soft.
She keeps my cold body warm.
She knows something is wrong.
She's worried too.
Everyone's worried.
Lately my body has been caving.
Sicker and sicker I grow and I'm unable to cure this sickness.
My body refuses to fight it.
Over two weeks now what should be a common cold has made me miserable.
No I'm not contagious.
I have to sit out during sport activities because my lungs can't take that kind of activity.
My lungs aren't necessarily the best at being lungs.
They don't want to breath in air.
They feel like they are suffocating.  
It's an interesting feeling.

My skin was white.
Night and pale.
White as a ghost.
Yes at times I felt like a ghost.
Wandering aimless.
I am a ghost.
I am dead.
Yet still breathing.
I wander dead.
I am dead.
My skin is white.

Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
One second everything's great the next you want to die.
I honestly don't want to be here anymore.
I guess I'm hanging on for her.
We were had plans together.
Now they are nothing.
Reality went to dreams.
Now I will see her in my sleep.
Wanting to run to her and hug her tight.
Knowing I just want to stay out of sight.
She said if I cut so will she.
I told her she has more potential than me.
I begged her not to leave.
She said she'd need time to think.
I wasn't ready for that today.
She left me speechless no words to say.
Numb.
Finger laying on the trigger of the gun.
Not being able to run to anyone.
Her in the dark my thoughts run wild.
A ******* confused little child.
I want to light up agin.
Put my worries to an end.
I thought I was clean.
No longer had a need.
Leaning on nicotine as my only relief.
Smoking more and more
**** nobody cares.
People really do.
My mind denies it.
Just wanting to forget.
Addicted to running silver down my arm again and again.
The blade is one of my few friends.
Put the gun to my head the end.

Play dates
Soul mates
This is how it was
Constant fun
Young one
As we grew old
If we only stayed.
If we never wasted away.
If it just stayed how it was.

Does the word ring a bell?
Ever feel trapped in your own
Personal hell?
Regretting every move?
Everything is dark
Storm clouds linger in the air.
Storm clouds that grow darker
It's not even sadness
Over and over the feeling screams
Numb is all I feel.

Depression is an empty feeling

Sick of all the battles
The ones that shouldn't be
Problems that shouldn't excist.
Melody
Life
Cutting
Burning
Emily
Anger
Suicide
**** what if I just said it was over?
What if I just said I wanted to take my life?
Would you guys still care?
If one dark night I started taking pills?
One night I cut too deep.
One night I cried until I couldn't breath?
Sick of it all.
I bleed to heal others.
I ******* die everyday to see you smile.
You never smile.
You make it seem like you don't care.
I just want it all to be over.
This time I'm not just venting in writing.
This time I'm being legit.
This might be the last poem.
I don't know.
I've pretended to be okay.
Well I'm not okay!
Just sick of it all

Hear us tweet.
Hear up tell you you're weak.
Hear us lead you on.
Hear us tell you you're loved by no one.
Hear us sing curses.
Hear us tell you to jump.
Hear us through you over the edge.
Here us tell you your worthless.
Hear you starting to listen.
We are the birds. The ones you fear. The ones that will never go away that are always here.

Repeativly I appoligize.
I don't know how she hasn't realized.
When I talk about a crush.
I feel my heart begin to rush.
I remember that last time I told you.
I wondered how you'd react what you would do.
Instead I kinda feel like you forgot the next day.
Now I just identify you as a person whenever I say.
The work crush.
Yes my heart rush.
Only because it's you.
You are the reason I do what I do.
I try to hide feelings with others.
But no one makes me happy like you.
I just don't know what to do.
This is how I will say it.
I like you.

So you wonder what it is like?
What it's like to rely on drugs to get by?
No it is not the greatness you were promised.
No you are not cured with a bit if lithium.
No not even the Prozac helps.
It just pushes you deep into the ocean.

You wonder what it is like?
What it is like to drown in the ocean.
I will tell you now it is not fun either.
The grey waves push you down to the depths and the light disappears.
That's when you are introduced to the silver.
That is when the silver begins to nip at your pale freckled wrists.
The ocean is not an easy swim.
No sun tanning here.

You wonder what it is like?
What it is like to be thrown into the sky?
Yeah it's fun at first.
But eventually what goes up must come down to earth.
I crash hard from my natural high.
And you thought it was fun.

Just a word of advice.
Never try to experience first hand what it is like.
By doing that you pretty much sacrifice your life.
Hand over your light.
Exchange it for a contract with the blade.
Get ready to meet the doctors.
Get ready for the long white halls to become home.
Get ready to take nasty tasting pills.
Because that will be your life.
Never wish to e mentally ill.
Those who are would trade anything to be sane again.
At least I would.

Late night talks.
Hot summer walks.
The things we said.
The fire we fed.
It burned ever so smooth and bright.
Emitted a dim beautiful light.
Her and I.
Our dreams.
Our goals.
Our future.
I think I'm in love with her.

take my hand.
I will lead you through the storm.
The storm on the inside.
The storm that you can't hide.
I can see the pain in your eyes.
Really it's no surprise.
You've been through so much.
You are strong.
Amazing.
And not hopeless.
So take my hand.
Allow me to walk you through the storm.

Mahestic four legged creatures so mighty.
Beautiful eyes and wagging tails.
Wet noses and furry toeses.
A beautiful four legged creature.
Some don't appreciate there beauty.
Some beat and even **** them.
***?!?
Sorry it's an emotional day.
Don't be mean to dogs!
******* if you ever hurt an animal!

Depression
Doctors perscribe
My memories die
Just like the night
My mind grows farther from the right
One friend I hold dear
He is the my drug when I can't get rid of the fear.