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Annie McLaughlin May 2017
****
I'm out of it again
**** baby
Your eyes became so red

****
I can't resist another go
Feels so good
Blowing smoke to join the show

Oh my god,
We did some crazy ******* ****
Wait a minute,
Did your grandma really take a hit?
Yes, his grandma really took a hit.
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
Her eyes
Her senses
Her perspective

Her skin
Her emotions
Her feeling

Her face
Her body
Her beauty

...and her love
Annie Coleman
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
I think I enjoy driving
because I know that I am in control
over hurting or
sparing a life

and so far, I have chose spare
even after the rest chose *hurt
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
if i curl my lashes
long enough
would it
distract you
from the wounds
around
my waist
?
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
It's not nothing
if it's enough to end your life
I have a list.
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
It started out with the handheld scissors
that were once used
to rip the tag off my pretty pink ballerina dress

I then picked out
the sharp edges of glass
that blanketed the photograph
keeping my dearest father alive

The tacks on my walls
from the silly band posters had worked for a while

Until it became no other obligation
than the razor
that was once sold in the store
of a lady who had no idea in the slightest
that she was selling a young girl
a ****** weapon.
Annie McLaughlin May 2017
Long luscious ball gowns
Sparkling pink punch
Rhythmic music and dancers on the run  

Heels coming off by the second song
Lipstick smears when he kisses me too long

Brighten up, deary
Everyone has fun at prom.

Finally we're leaving
Mascara smears, too.

Midnight motel room
Hot *** out of the blue

6 am wake up time
My heart is so calm

I told you, deary
Everyone has fun at prom.

But it wasn't that, it wasn't that at all.
I'll never remember the dances,
I'll only remember the motel room,
And the hot steamy ***
And the fast food run afterwards
And the late night conversations
And waking up next to my forever better half.


Listen deary,
Not everyone has fun at prom.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Tip toe quietly on yout feet
Don't you dare you miss a beat
Make around the floor-set traps
Wide awake as the rest of the world naps
Creak the door open just a slight
Enough to sneak away into the night
Ignore the clatter of bottles and breaths
Soon enough they'll be just deaths
Climb the barrier that separates care
For that courage resides somewhere
Tip toe quietly on your feet
Don't you dare you skip a beat
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Rain
It's raining and it's that time of year again
Kissing in the rain
Crying in the rain
Dancing in the rain
Driving in the rain
Picture in the rain
It's raining and I'm glad of that
It's raining outside
And for once,
It's not raining in.
It's raining outside
And we can now sit peacefully
And gaze out the window
As drops splash against it
Its raining outside
And we can both appreciate the beauty
Knowing that
It's not raining inside anymore.
Its raining outside
And you are happy
And so am I.
Its raining outside
But that's alright.
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
it hurts
is it supposed to hurt ?
                 if you knew what i've been doing
                 you would not say "i love you"
                                                       each time failing
                                                       has lowered my confidence another tries worth
                                                                                                                          why is this pain
                                                                                                                          so relieving ?
i fail even at harming myself
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
Red rope lies on the floor
Contemplating, pondering, should I?
Maybe if life were just a bit more
And water didn't run knee-high

So this is what it felt like
For the others as they linger
Oh, but can'st thou call a sike
As the water reaches fingers

The door, glued shut with crimson liquids
Quivers like the thoughts and the doubts
Desperately, impatiently attempt to rid
The water rising to the snout

Red rope hangs on the ceiling.
The things I come up with during math class.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Repeat this song in my head
Just before I go to bed
This is why I haven't bled
This is why I am not dead
Just these simple words been said
Take away my need for meds
Repeat this song in my head
Just before I go to bed.
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
Even demons can fly higher
Even swords leave softer wounds
She always thought her life was bitter
But she never saw it doomed

Round and round in circles
Round and round we go
Round and round in circles
Death by a suicide poem
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
My dear, it isn't all gore and blood in the real world
Not only knives and guns hidden under the pillow
Not only crying kids
And crying moms
And whimpering dogs cause they know something's wrong
Somewhere there's happy people
And hugs for free
Don't have to bundle up to hide what's underneath
Cause darling, there's nothing under their long sleeves
I'll try to find that place
But wish me luck, cause I haven't had none
I'll be running through the backyards
Rooting for your freedom
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
I lay in bed and cry all day
I don't know what to say
I just thought I should say something
I just thought I should save someone
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
She doesn't wear them
because it is sunny.
She doesn't wear them
to think she is vain.
She doesn't wear them
Simply because she has money.
She wears them
to shield you from the tear stains.
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
She is the girl
Sitting in the corner
Alone, afraid
Observing the happy people.
She is the girl
Buried nose deep in the book
With a ****** name
And a tragic backstory.
She is the girl
That goes home every day
And cries in her bedroom
And cries in the shower
And cries at supper
And smiles to her mother
And smiles to her father
And smiles to her friends
And wears mismatched clothes
Because she likes to express her emotions
Without pulling up her long sleeves.
She is the girl
That nobody noticed.
She is the girl
That noticed everybody.
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
she writes
she writes with her newly applied nail polish
her new nail polish is black
her new nail polish is her favorite color
her favorite color is black because
ever since she caught glimpse of reality
that is all that she knows in her mind -
black,
morbid
her new nail polish
is forever.
Annie McLaughlin May 2016
nobody knows how broken I am
nobody sees what's written in my skin
nobody hears when I cry out to the dark
nobody loves me when I feed my flesh to sharks
But my heart is screaming... How can you just pick and choose what you want to hear?
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
The more your clothes come undone
the more your heart does the same
.
.
.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Tears prickle at my eyes
And if not for my own words of comfort
I would not have made it through your lies
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
every day you're getting closer
to the day it doesn't matter
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
You try to live the life you should
But everything just seems too good
So you end up living just like dad
Never settling, always sad
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2017
So many words and tears have been wasted on you
You, the man, that probably has forgotten my face by now
So many hours of self pity and hatred have I felt because of you
You, the man, who shaped me into who I am right now

And not too long ago, I was driving in the car, and my lover he suggested,
(Excuse me if these words appear harsh),
We need more intimacy in public
Let's fool around, we're young.
I would say we could **** in a dressing room but...
I know what happened to you in there


I nodded along and then I stopped myself, and I said,
Darling, why not?

That is the moment I realized
I am stronger than my past.
That is the time that I recognized
I had been holding on too long.
It's time to let go
Of what you did to me
And what you took from me
Because I am stronger than that.
I am stronger than you.
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Pocket pills of purple pinks in pity pants
Talking to the things that cause this total trance
Choking coughs from cold degrees or circumstance
Glazing eyes gliding through a gruesome glance
Ripping ribs and retched rings due rough romance
Dagger diamonds digging deep throughout a dance
So no **** she's so good at suicide stance
There was a tecnique in dance that I personally called "the suicide stance" because it looked as if you were hanging. My teacher always told me I completed that one very well, and I believe I know why...
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
It's okay,
I laugh at me, too.
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
I stole a bottle of beer from the fridge
I chugged about half the bottle
but I didn't like the taste
so I threw it out the window
and then I threw myself out as well
and I went to pick up the leaking bottle
and I drank it still, even though I didn't like the taste
and I fell asleep in the cold, and I think I cried
and tears made their way down my cheek and into my parted lips
and I didn't like the taste
but I continued crying, anyways
and in the morning my brother handed me some medicine
that he promised would make my head feel better
so I took it from him and swallowed
but I didn't like the taste
so I went and found another beer in the fridge
to down the medicine with
and even though I didn't like the taste
I got used to it.
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
He literally ripped out your heart
You trusted him with all you had
He's the reason for the tears on your pillowcase
The reason for the medical pills you take

Now you feel so alone
You have lost your home
Don't know where to go
He's all you've ever known

He connected my heart to the ground
I've lost so much sleep
I stay up too late
Can't sleep past eight
I curl into a ball
And I remember it all
As I shake and I tremble
Just as I got my life assembled
He just had to go and tear me apart

As everyone is laughing
You lay down your head
All you can do is remember the things you can't forget
I wish this desk could take me, **** me in
So I'd never have to feel this pain again
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Left alone
After you said you would never go
Thanks, I know how much I'm worth
Just a couple ******* hundred lies
Over cigarettes and other girls
Thanks for the reassurance
That my existence means absolutely no **** to you
Thanks for the inspiration
To do what I should have years ago
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
Thank you for the book
with the hard cover
and the pages
with no lines
to guide my cursive tool

Thank you for the insults
concerning everything
between
music artists and cheek bones

Thank you for not
making me pretend
as if I care
exactly what you think
of me or I or the ****** rock band
that happened to save my life

Most of all thank you
for never realizing that
our passions never quite did
go hand in hand
so that it could be easier
for me
to write another
meaningless
poem.
Annie McLaughlin Nov 2016
Oh my God, that feeling
Do You feel it too?  
On my hands I'm kneeling
I see the ghost of you

And sometime in the morning
With the sun just hanging up
I see your spirit's touring
The town that we grew up

When my tears are slowing
And drying on my face
Is when the wind be blowing
And wipes your ghost away

Have you any feeling?  
Any pain at all?  
Hung up on the ceiling
Sorrowed as I call
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
There are kids that don't have a dad
A girl that feels too **** fat
There's a man who just lost his job
Some have gone without food to eat
There's a boy who watched his sister die
Mom's and daddy's getting into fights
There's a girl who's only hope relies
On a man who walked out of her life

So if you begin to think you got it bad

Just remember all the kids without a dad
Or the kids that make the girl feel way too fat
Just remember the man who took
His last breath of free air just trying to scavage
A meal for his daughters and wife
And the boy who wants so desperately to end his life
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
It was sunny all day till I came home
I set down my bag and felt so alone
So I tore out my heart and gave the remaining to you
Well you tore them to pieces
Your love had a twist
You would keep loving me
As long as I didn't find out this
Thing that kind, maybe kinda, really bothered me
You broke my heart, we fell apart
It all happened so suddenly
The day I hid the sun
"Nobody puts Baby in a corner"
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
At the end of the day
I will feel good in my own skin
At the end of the day
I will be satisfied with who I am
At the end of the day
I will have survived another disaster
At the end of the day
I will look to myself and matter
At the end of the day
Im going to be okay
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
This is
the last 3 a.m
of 2015*

2014 - 3 a.m
laying in bed
next to a man
who claimed to love me
and lied.

2013 - 3 a.m
laying my head
on the cold tombstone
of the man
who was supposed to be there
all my life.

2010 - 3 a.m
laying my mom's head
onto the pillow
because she was too drunk
to do it herself
and daddy didn't come home.

2009 - 3 a.m
finding a bullet
full of lead
and wondering if that
was the reason
the yelling had stopped
in my parent's bedroom.

2007 - 3 a.m
sleeping well fed
in a warm and comfy bed
as my parents kissed in the living room
and they were happy
and so was I.

2015 - 3 a.m
downing the meds
the doctor prescribed
to numb away the pain
- but, surprise
it didn't succeed
cause just as well
I can't stand to breathe.

*This is
the last
3 a.m
In a nutshell.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
stop
stop
stop
come hold me now
it's getting worse
stop, please, stop
come hold me now
or drive my hearse
stop
stop
stop
i'm dying out
this life's my curse
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
my wrists have been oozing blood
  for the past 30 minutes
and it still hasn't stung
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
See a therapist five days a week
Cry seven
Declare "I'm fine" twice
Don't mean it once

See the therapist 2 days a week
show seventeen scars
Smile "I'm fine" next
Don't mean it, though

See my therapist six hours a month
I've been happy
"more than usual"
Does she think I mean it?

Saw her therapist two days ago
Go again next week
"Yeah, I'm fine. I know. Yeah
She was in a lot of pain
and it was the only way out
and I understand that now."
Does she not know I mean it ?
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
And now I understand why my mother stopped having fun,
Why my math teacher works double jobs,
Why the girl I met in eighth grade dropped out after a week of high school,
Why my aunts and uncles pleaded me to enjoy what I had while I had it,
Why my mother and father always fought over bills and credit cards,
Why my father eventually just decided to ***** it,
***** the girl at work,
***** over his children,
And ***** over his chances.
I understand why the people on the street corner
Are always on the street corner.
It's not about dreams, about want, about passion.
Nobody cares if you don't want to be a doctor, or a scientist, or a manager, or a lawyer, or a ****** fry cook for the majority of your life.
Nobody cares if you like music, or drawing, or taking pictures, or posing pictures, or doing what you love.
Today is about money
And surviving
And buying things
And raising your kids on enough money
So that they can raise their kids on enough money
To raise your great great grandkids on enough money
Because today
That is all that really matters.
***** your dreams
(just like my father ******* over his children)
Because unless you catch luck
Your dreams will lead you nowhere.
It's all about money
It's all about ******* money
So don't count on that road trip after high school,
Don't count on making it out of college without debt,
In fact, don't even count on making it into college.
That dream can die, too.
It's hard to have dreams and to stand out and to live life in general. It seems as if all that really matters anymore is money, and if that is the case, we are *******.
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
I thought that if
   I had enough spray paint
    And a place to put it
      Then maybe I could
        Make something out of these
          Drab pale walls

            But the landlords
               They got mad
                  And they said I would have to pay
                    For the damage done

                      But, I didn't see any damage
                        All I saw was galaxy
                           And colors that reflect
                             What I felt at night

                                 ... I wish that I could just
                                    Order the ones that painted over
                                       And damaged me
                                            To pay, and to fix what they did
                                               But maybe they don't understand
                                                  What they did, either
                                                      Because I look fine to them
                                                         And my expression
                                                              For all that they know
                                                                 Is not faked

                                                                    And maybe they like what
                                                                       They did
                                                                          And maybe it doesn't
                                                                              Look that bad
                                                                                 From where they stand watching

                                                                                    So I will fix the **** wall
                                                                                       And then right once it is back to
                                                                                          Its normal
                                                                                             Wretched colors
                                                                                                I'll paint over it again
                                                                                                  But this time with my own blood
                                                                                                      And the tears that they caused

                                                                                                         And you won't be able to
                                                                                                              Demand me to fix it
                                                                                                                 And they will still gaze at me
                                                                                                                    And smile
                                                                                                                       At what
                                                                                                                             They
                                                                                                                                  Did
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
I woke up with no voice to scream for help when I was seven
I had my right arm trampled on when I was eleven
I began the reoccuring battle of self harm when I was twelve
I experinced the death of my father when I was thirteen
I got sexually assaulted, gave away the start of my innocence, and experienced my first heartbreak when I was fourteen
I officially could call myself not a ****** at fifteen
I found out that my dad was a liar, cheater, and an awful soul and that if I don't watch out, I could end up like him (at sixteen)

And my mind cannot figure out which pained me most.
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
I don't write down things just so you can relate
I know I have a ****** up head
That's just one of the things I hate
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
This is for you
that deals with self harm.
This is for you
who has to watch their
best friend, daughter, son, or lover
deal
with self harm.

This is for the boy or girl
or man or woman,
the ****
or the quiet one,
the girl who wears too much eye makeup
or the girl who doesn't wear enough.

This is for
whoever you are
wherever you are
if the thought or the sickly desire
to harm your own
precious
delicate skin
has ever
for a second
crossed your mind.

This is for the ones like me
the ones that promise themselves
"it will help"
"I will be okay"
but deep down
they know
it wont
and I wont.

This is for the nights
and the days
and the empty smiles
and the swallowed laughs
and the times in which
you may have carved
****** letters
into your skin because
that is all you feel you amount to
or maybe it's just lines
or swollen bumps that last
much longer
because words can not describe
what you have seen
and heard
and felt
and what
you
have
become.

This is for you
for her
for him
this is for all the future children
or teenagers
or full grown adults
that will someday choose their weapon
to defeat
themselves.

I am not going to tell you it gets better.
I am not going to say that God is the answer.
I am not going to confess
my whole life story
and end it on a happy note.

But I do know that
through the tears
and cuts
and burns
and constant suicidal thoughts

there will be smiles
and laughs
and hugs
and even nights that feel as if they couldn't get any
better.

And sometimes,
even if only sometimes,
those smiles will be genuine
those laughs will be never-ending
the hugs full of love
and those nights, those nights
they will get better.

I do not know
if WE will get better
and if maybe someday
we might not want to
harm ourselves again
but I do know
that there will be better days
and moments
that are completely
worth
living for.
I don't know where this came from - somewhere within my mind.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
break in*
fingertips imprinted onto the glass of the cold window
legs shake as I balance on the bricks
inside I catch a glimpse of my own shadow
but I can't stop now, my watch still ticks

the dead of night is wide awake
staring at my unrecognizable clone on the wall
is this really where I belong?
I step inside before I fall

maybe I should just go back from where I came
it's quiet in here
and this has always been a risky game
I come in peace to invade the premises
before I get caught, I get one last good luck kiss

from the raindrops that now patter against the desk
leaking through the open gap in the wall
if not for the circumstance, would appear quite picturesque
my shadow still wavers, slim and tall

now this is it
I lay down on the stranger's bed
pealing the sickly drenched clothes from my skin
as the wind gushes past my head
where do I belong?
where do I go?
what am I doing here, for how long?
when can I come home?
Some things in life seem too real to just be a coincidence.
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
Tonight I can't stop thinking of you, and of her, and of them, and of my best friend whom you so carelessly flirted with. I can't stop thinking of the messages I found on your phone when I had just begun to trust you and God knows I can't get the things you told her out of my mind. I wonder if you touched her how you touch me...? Did you call her pretty and **** and perfect...? Did she make you feel as good as I do? I wonder sometimes, late at night, if maybe you think about her. You do not understand, my love, the absolute torture it was to watch you love on other girls, and put your arm around other girls, and kiss other girls, and **** other girls, and share those passionate moments in which I believed were just mine and yours... with other girls. Some days I can not help but feel as if I am not special at all. You touch me only how you touched the others. You kiss me only how you have kissed them. You say you love me just as you said to her and her and her and her and her... When making love is to me, is it only just *** to you? Am I only just... *** ... to you? I fear, my dear, that even now, and even here, I am only as one of your other girls. I will only become... one of your... other girls.
I do believe that you have changed. I know in my heart that you have. But you must understand that you still give me nightmares and you still make me cry sometimes and there is nothing you can do to stop these feelings... But oh, why did you have to hurt me like that???
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2016
There's a cross on the corner of the highway
Standing tall in front of the rest station lot
There's a man that comes and visits and he stays all day
His hands wiping desperately at his tears distraught
This cross was not here yesterday
Oh look what the cold weather has brought
A few years ago, actually, I saw this happen, and it brought me to tears, and I was not able to forget about it. It's crazy. How one day they're there, and the next they're not.
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
delightful*                                                      (pleasing, full of delight)
dreamy                                                ­         (peaceful, abstracted from reality)
demure                                                ­         (reserved, modest)
distant                                                ­           (seperated in space/mind)
delirious                                                ­        (not able to think or speak clearly)
dangerous                                             ­        (able or likely to cause injury, pain, harm, etc)
daunting                                                  ­     (tending to make people afraid or less confident )
destructive                                                    (causing a very large amount of damage)
decrepit                                               ­          (weak/fragile, not strong enough)

dead                                                ­            (my father/heart/hope)
This is the timeline. The timeline I wanted to avoid.
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
I blared my favorite songs throughout the car
and ignored the speed limit on the country roads
yet I still cried and banged my head on the wheel
because ironically, all my favorite songs are yours, too.

I attempted shopping and picking out pretty things
and I was happy for the first ten minutes
but then I broke down in the frozen foods section
and walked out with nothing but more grief.

I picked up my guitar to strum my pain away
but I zoned out thinking of you and staring at my reflection in the mirror
as I thoughtlessly picked the same string over and over

and that
is what I am
without you.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Little lost girl
Wanders far down
Away from negativity
And wretched howls of town

Little lost girl
Stumbles on stones
Not resisting failure
Or the find of old bones

Little lost girl
Shielded from the lights
Hears the engine approaching
And discards her known rights

Little lost girl
Is nowhere to be seen
She's surely not stamped to the ground
By a superior of all means
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