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Mar 2018 · 332
School
empty seas Mar 2018
Sometimes I get so worried about
the future
Because what college is going to want
a stupid kid
from an education system
that failed her?
I’ll never know as much as those other, richer kids
The kids in better states
with better teachers
better classes
better school
and while I know I need to do something
take action on my own
I still can’t find the strength
to get out of bed
So I wait, anxious, depressed, and with enough self-hate to fill an ocean
for the day I get rejected and see
my future
crumple before my eyes
And regret everything
Our state proudly takes 50th in education.
My friend from Texas sounds like she goes to a private school, but really it’s because it’s probably funded, and I’ve never gone to a properly funded school.
Mar 2018 · 258
Screaming
empty seas Mar 2018
They say
actions speak louder than words
and if that’s true
I was screaming

Empty words
empty smiles
Haunted the last few years
of school
Somedays it was obvious
no talking
no smiles
no anything
but my “friends” didn’t notice
didn’t care
and the ones that would’ve cared
I didn’t go to

Fake gestures
fake friends
you said you cared about me
but you didn’t
you just wanted the math homework
inviting me over
was just for certainty

Anxious actions
anxious me
trying desperately
to keep these people my friends
but I couldn’t keep fighting
I was already screaming
help me
I’m hopeless, helpless, and scared
and they couldn’t hear me
so fighting and pleading
wasn’t worth it anyway

Leaving them
leaving fear
or so I thought
but years of fake friends
and unheard actions
unheard screaming
made me think
that my other friends
wouldn’t hear me too

Loving friends
Loving me
they heard me
they helped me help myself
and I don’t need to scream
and fight
and plead
anymore
because they hear me
before I even start
screaming
I had a lot of fake friends
but they’re gone
Mar 2018 · 555
Cells
empty seas Mar 2018
It’s always fascinated me
how every single cell in our bodies
works so hard
to keep us alive
you could say
that they love you
and care about you
but that’s not true
they have no sentience
no will
but they have a mission
a purpose
which is more than some people have
and it’s almost an honor
when you think about
how these trillions of cells
have the same purpose:
to help you
It really makes me feel better when I think about this
Mar 2018 · 297
A letter to me
empty seas Mar 2018
Dear Madolyn,

God ******
Shut up
you obnoxious piece of crap
Get your brain to work
keep your problems to yourself
because no one really cares
The more you talk
the more you grovel and complain
the sooner they’ll want to leave
don’t you see?
Why haven’t you realized
you’re charity work
beggars aren’t choosers
so stop demanding love
Stop opening up so quickly
you’re too quickly won over
don’t you realize no one wants
a broken girl who will be friends with anyone?
Take words with a grain of salt
as so many people have lied before
you’re incapable of effective lying
so being quiet is the better route
A word of advice:
Be idle and passive
Tell no stories, just listen
Use your house and dogs to trick them
so they’ll want to be around you
Use grades instead of a personality
to win people over
since that personality and face of yours
is something nobody wants.
Remember what I’ve said
anytime you begin to text someone
or if you decide
to open your mouth

Love,

Your insecurities and fears
I’ve been wanting to post this for a while, just for the fact that it doesn’t apply to me as much as usual anymore. Although, I know I’m going to regret posting it, I always complain too much
Mar 2018 · 386
Partner in crime
empty seas Mar 2018
Stand up! Get ready!
My partner in crime
for we have been called to trial
by two giants who own our lives
and can cut us off from the world
They have created a comfortable setting
to get our guards down
with steaming piles of takeout

The crimes have committed?
None at all, I say
only doing what we feel is right
and sneaking through unfair rules
to do what needs to be done

So take my hand, fair brother
let us heal all our previous fights
we must unite
for tonight
is family dinner time
This was gonna be a longer, more thankful poem, but that doesn’t fit our sibling relationship as well.
Mar 2018 · 721
Happy birthday Julia
empty seas Mar 2018
Happy birthday to you
my friend I haven’t seen in years
I wish I was there to hug you
and make fun of how short you are
smart, funny, and talented
are words that wouldn’t begin to describe
how wonderful you are
but are the only ones that my small mind
can think of right now.

Happy birthday to you
strong Texan, one of my best friends
working through a hurricane
and still dealing with my complaining
you’re assisting in a hospital now
I’d trust you with my care

Happy birthday dear Julia
one of the smartest people I know
multilingual, a great violinist
top of your class, rightfully so
I know you’ll go far
and I hope I’m there to see it

Happy birthday to you
wow you're old now
Mar 2018 · 232
Waiting
empty seas Mar 2018
The bluebird sits
waiting for the sun to rise
so he can sing his song

The sea turtle travels
waiting for the seasons to change
so she can return home

The writer idles
waiting for the right word to come
so they can finish their work

I wander
waiting for a lot of things
so I can feel satisfied and happy
but mostly
I wait
for you
And I’ll wait for a long time
Mar 2018 · 331
That Word (part 1)
empty seas Mar 2018
That word brings me back
to crouching behind my grandma’s couch
listening to my uncle yell at my cousin
that she couldn’t go to her friend’s uncles’ house
just because there were two of them
And I remember realizing
that my family might hurt me
if I ever came out to them

That word brings me back
to 2 am in bed
tears in my eyes
trying to convince myself
that my feelings were real
and hoping that they weren’t

That word brings me back
to walking through the hallway
and listening to other teens
spew hate and slurs
not knowing how much it hurt

That word brings me back
to sitting in a church I had never been in
listening to the pastor preach and yell
about how God hated
and I felt all my future plans of coming out
go down the drain

That word brings me back
to reading hundreds of news stories
about how people like me were killed
just because they were different
and wanted to love and exist
in a way that was different

That word brings me back
to hiding books I wanted to buy
from my parents view
just because the characters
were LGBTQ

That word brings me back
to so many different places
and all that they have in common
is that they cause me pain
so I’m sorry that I don’t think
that slurs can be reclaimed
especially when you still use it
in a derogatory way
You can probably guess what the word is. I don’t like it when people use slurs around me, as you can see. I guess this is an explanation why
Mar 2018 · 306
WWI
empty seas Mar 2018
WWI
I went to a
WWI museum today
And as I looked at the
poorly built trenches
and the weapons used
and the gas rising from the ground
and the ships sunk and planes shot down
and the foot shortages and blockades
and the unimaginably high numbers
of the deaths of soldiers and civilians
my stomach twisted and turned
and I realized how terrified I was
of another war
and how every step our country takes
leads us ever closer to one
and how I don’t want another flower
to become a symbol of war
like the poppies that surround
cross-shaped graves
“Hell is not fire... Hell is mud” “It is sweet and right to die for your country”
Mar 2018 · 353
My name
empty seas Mar 2018
I wish that
someday
somebody finds a reason
to say my name
with so much glee
that it makes my heart sing
and maybe then
I'll
feel a little
more whole
This is an old one I finally feel confident enough to post
Mar 2018 · 239
Choices
empty seas Mar 2018
I don’t know what’s scarier
the fact that all choices are already made
the universe has a set path
and free will is nothing
Or
all choices are mine to make
and the impacts
are all my fault
Mar 2018 · 165
Rejection
empty seas Mar 2018
I am sorry, but we are unable...
Hey, can we talk?...
Crushing rejection
pain unknowable and unavoidable
no matter how long
you dwell on the possibility
that the worst might come to happen
hope prevails
and pain comes
when it fails
You can never properly prepare yourself for rejection
Mar 2018 · 1.7k
Spring break (haiku #5)
empty seas Mar 2018
Morning sunrise comes
Birds’ sweet melody is heard
My soft snores in bed
Spring break has come!
Mar 2018 · 744
Breathe in, breathe out
empty seas Mar 2018
Breathe in
Breathe out
I can’t command my breath anymore
My eyes are filled with toxic tears
causing the problem to get worse
Breathe in
Breathe out
Count with my five senses to calm down
too bad they’re too compromised
to do any help at all
Breathe in
Breathe out
Worthless with out my grades, this A+
I have no good personality, no creativity
to make me worth something
Breathe in
Breathe out
So as I bury my head in my hands
calming my anxiety is like
covering a mountain with a blanket
So I breathe in
and breathe out
I had an anxiety attack in math while taking a test.
Mar 2018 · 249
Letting go
empty seas Mar 2018
I’ve always had a hard time letting go
I grab and grasp
shoving things into my oversized heart
Stuffed animals and old friends
Children’s books and unrequited crushes
Dead dogs and old drawings
Ignoring the pain I know this attachment will bring
Some part of me knows:
I’ll never see my camp friends again
I’ll never date the person I like
I’ll never love these books as much as I did
I’ll never get my dogs back by holding on
But the rest of me, desperately
grasps and holds, crying out that
“If you hold on, they can’t leave!
It will be normal again.
but that’s wrong
as my best friend pointed out last night
(even though she just meant it for one thing, she was still right)
nothing can be normal again,
after decisions I’ve made,
things that have happened
even if I try
So instead, I’ll try to take her advice
I’ll let go
It’s hard to abandon the people and things
you once loved so dearly
but holding on this long has only brought pain
so, finally
I’m letting go
Mar 2018 · 239
hypnosis
empty seas Mar 2018
feel your body sink down
your hands and feet are numb
half awake, half asleep
melting into the blanket underneath you
all there is
is your breath
in
and
out

and the kindest voice
explaining and guiding
you
d
     o
           w
                n
  
                                                                ­    to even deeper relaxation
hypnosis felt so nice, like a better version of sleep
Mar 2018 · 222
Destroy Myself
empty seas Mar 2018
I would destroy myself
to save someone that I love
Yes, death scares me
but the alternative sounds even worse,
so in this case, I might be scared of death
but I’m not completely against it
I keep thinking of what i would do during a school shooting, or something similar. Almost all of them end with me dying protecting my friends and brother.
Mar 2018 · 357
an almost-true story
empty seas Mar 2018
once upon a time
there was a girl
her hair was made of greasy threads
and her face was a horror onto itself
she scribbled on all her mirrors
trying to deny the monster she was
fake smiles and baggy clothes
locking herself in her isolated tower

then

she was told she talked too much
the flowers that flowed from her mouth shriveled
the light in her eyes would quickly die
she stitched her mouth closed multiple times
sometimes breaking free to rant, then cry
bleeding and stitching
bleeding and stitching
the repetition became a comfort by itself
every time she slipped up
it was the same
bleeding and stitching
a punishment she wished only on herself

once people began leaving her
for one reason or another
her mouth said "it's okay I understand"
but her head said it's all your fault
the ugly, idiot girl
ran away from her problems the best she could
stitching and itching
her arms became a red mess
she isolated and contemplated
who was going to leave her next

she loved and wanted
but kept hidden away
blaming every lost friend, every breakup
on her horrendous face and annoying personality

she hated her self-pity almost as much as herself
no man or woman would save her now
she was the only knight she had
and saving herself was too much of a privilege to grant
to such a mistake as her

so here we stand
this girl wasting away
don't pity her
she deserves it

it will probably always be this way
This is just an entire self-pity poem and I hate it so much, I might take it down later. But, oh well, I might as well put up this total crap rant piece.
Mar 2018 · 440
comfort
empty seas Mar 2018
we search and we search
pulling and pulling this magical thing
from every living and inanimate thing
stuffed animals
your best friends
blasting music through your ears
and everything in between

we grab and grab
holding onto anything and everything
that makes us feel good
our crutches
our comfort
we give something the power
to make us feel okay

but how easily
this comfort can slip away
or turn into something
addicting and unsavory
so take your comfort
and hold it tight
but realize
you don't need comfort all the time
I tend to get addicted to my comforts, especially now, going from being really sad to really stressed.
Mar 2018 · 283
Falling
empty seas Mar 2018
You sl i  p  p   e    d  away
and I didn’t see it
didn’t see you fall
I was trapped by my own presumptions
that everything would be okay
that you were okay
until I heard you
crying out
and
I couldn’t help

I was too late
Don’t worry, this is about my friend falling down my staircase.
Feb 2018 · 211
goodnight
empty seas Feb 2018
“Goodnight”
she called out into the void
and
the void responded
goodnight
it took her by the hand
leading her into a
gentle
sleep
Feb 2018 · 569
apathy
empty seas Feb 2018
A waterfall of emotion
flowing down my back
draining away until
I’m empty
apathetic
unapologetic
you could fall right in front of me
I’d just walk over the body

the waterfall flows
and the walls come down
‘til I feel no more
sometimes I just don’t feel anything
Feb 2018 · 252
ending
empty seas Feb 2018
sometimes all i want
is an ending

for everything

to

just


                                    s  t  o  p.

and never start again
Feb 2018 · 694
Inner Monologue
empty seas Feb 2018
scrub scrub
brush brush
you’ll never be perfect
you’re not good enough
no use in wearing makeup
it can’t work miracles
besides
you can barely get out of bed anyway

slip on that sweatshirt
baggy to cover your fat
look at those fat thighs
the flab on those arms
no wonder everyone who loved you has left

fat
ugly
cover yourself up
shorts are a battle
bikinis an impossibility
might as well just give up

body positivity only works for pretty girls
and trust me
you’re not one of them
I don’t like my body
Feb 2018 · 241
stone
empty seas Feb 2018
a little while ago
a group of people
family, friends, almost-strangers
carved a version of me
into stone
and said
"please never change!"
and implied
or we'll never treat you the same
so I have tried to stay
the same to this image
of an old, dead me
too afraid to shed
this old, rotting skin
too afraid to move
from this fixed position
and to try to finally be
myself
I want to change, but I'm so afraid.
Feb 2018 · 200
apologies
empty seas Feb 2018
people say
saying sorry is hard
but I find it hard
to do anything but
apologize
Feb 2018 · 270
sickness #2
empty seas Feb 2018
why am i so
weak
why am i so
broken
i'm fever-stricken
sick
e v e r y t h i n g  h u r t s
what have i done to
deserve this
i'm sick again, the only good thing is that I don't have the flu.
Jan 2018 · 410
a box
empty seas Jan 2018
you handed
me a box
and I said
"thank you"
like I was
taught to

Then you
waited
impatiently
and carefully
as I climbed
right into
it
I'm messing around with my style.
Jan 2018 · 237
one Sunday afternoon
empty seas Jan 2018
how sudden
this happened
one Sunday afternoon
      your awkward finger guns
pointing in my direction
you've been my friend
now you're more
i'm scared
i'll mess up
you've been hurt
too much
but
i didn't worry then
that Sunday afternoon
cuddled up
next to you
wow... it still hasn't completely set in that I'm actually dating someone
Jan 2018 · 633
(things left unsaid)
empty seas Jan 2018
call me selfish
(i am)
call me scared
(more than you know)
all i know is
(and thats not much)
i can't stand the thought
(but I think so much)
of you
(the best friend ive had in years)
replacing me
(it always happens)
when i love you so much
(i have poured my soul out to you)
so i go
(like always)

and hide
(i'm so sorry)
some thoughts
Jan 2018 · 700
stars
empty seas Jan 2018
I know you keep your eyes on the ground
so you don't trip again
but take a moment to

stop

              

                 up                     *
and look                                   *                to                   *                     *
                                                               ­       *the     *        *   *      *        *  *
                                            ­                        *         *    *    *     *     *        *    *    
                                                               *           *       stars     *   *      *    
the stars are so beautiful. take a moment
Jan 2018 · 201
books
empty seas Jan 2018
there's nothing more calming
then letting yourself be

c                  
              o
                         n
                                  s
                       ­                 u
                                            ­ m
by a                                 g       e          b
                                         o          d     o
                                             o           o
                                                 d     k
I've read a lot of amazing books recently
Jan 2018 · 232
friendship bracelets
empty seas Jan 2018
I hope when
you see the color across your wrist
or brush against the threads on your ankle
you'll see me
fingers weaving with a gentle rhythm
and remember
I love you
I really like making friendship bracelets for my friends.
Jan 2018 · 947
sometimes
empty seas Jan 2018
sometimes
i want to
s c r a t c h  m y  s k i n  o f f
peel it off my body
in a desperate attempt
to set free the
self-hatred and anxiety

sometimes
i want to
t a k e  a  k n i f e  t o  m y  f a t
carving it away
shaping my body
into something
that won't disgust me

sometimes
i want to
s t a r t  o v e r
take an unforgiving blade
to the girl i used to be
run away until my lungs burst
and i'm finally set free
Jan 2018 · 247
possibilities
empty seas Jan 2018
I can feel it
can you feel it too?
the possibility fills my mind
I'm not quite certain
it hasn't happened yet
but I've done the impossible
I can do it again
the excitement in my head
it's squeezing my heart
I don't think I'll properly breathe until this is over
daydreaming, fantasies
put in my head three years ago
who knew such a throwaway suggestion
would capture my mind?
eagerly awaiting an email with rocks in my stomach
I really hope this works
I've mostly floated through my life
but now
I want to take charge
possibilities make me reckless
when I'm usually so cautious
but right now I think it's alright
because for once
I'm excited
I might be able to pull it out
Jan 2018 · 566
Bathroom graffiti
empty seas Jan 2018
If I die don’t cry
Look up at the sky and
Say goodbye

-the Loved One
I saw this in a bathroom stall, and I thought it was good, so I wrote it down. It’s not mine
Jan 2018 · 367
all the hurting people
empty seas Jan 2018
I wish I could take my shattered heart
and scatter it throughout
all the hurting friends
all the hurting strangers
all the hurting people
gently patch up the damaged souls
hopefully make some hearts whole
I don't need my heart anymore
they'll use it better
than I ever did
I just want to make all the good people feel okay. whenever I read a really sad poem, I just want to help that person, even though I'm bad at talking to people. That said, if anyone ever needs to vent, I’m here. It’s sometimes easier to talk to a stranger then to a friend. I can’t promise any good advice though, just that I’ll listen
Jan 2018 · 287
fairy lights (haiku #4)
empty seas Jan 2018
Late night fairy lights
Stretching over my bed like
Stars guiding the way
the lights above my bed are so calming
Jan 2018 · 405
fish out of water
empty seas Jan 2018
i’m a fish out of water
drowning in the air
throw me back overboard
i’ll be fine, i swear
even if i sink to the bottom
it’ll probably be for the best
i’ve heard that death by drowning
is a good way to get rid of a pest
i just feel like a burden. it makes me want to sink into a deep sleep.
Jan 2018 · 267
Smoke (haiku #3)
empty seas Jan 2018
I'm smoke trapped behind glass
Swirling against my prison
I fade to nothing
Oh man it’s another haiku. I really like the way smoke looks
Jan 2018 · 454
brushing Phoebe (haiku #2)
empty seas Jan 2018
This is a horror
I thought dogs don't shed right now
God, there's so much hair
Aren't dogs supposed to stop shedding during winter?? This is ridiculous
Jan 2018 · 195
Lunchtime thoughts
empty seas Jan 2018
am i really your best friend
if you’re so quick
to leave me to be alone
I dread lunch now
Jan 2018 · 383
fine (haiku #1)
empty seas Jan 2018
"Hey, are you okay?"
Wiping red eyes, tear-stained cheeks
A cracked smile "I'm fine"
I think I'm going to start a haiku series because I like haikus.
Jan 2018 · 1.6k
sunrises
empty seas Jan 2018
Reds and purples                                                          ­    

                                                   Yellows and blues

                   strung across the sky like

cotton candy              

         an ever-changing painting                                                         ­  

multicolored clouds stretching across the sky for the sake of beauty

                             the sake of being

accidentally making waking up bearable  
                        

sunrises

                        brea­thtakingly


beautiful
Looking at the sunrise while heading to school is always so amazing, we have really beautiful sunrises and sunsets. Sometimes it feels like the world is ending, and then sometimes it feels like I'm in a movie. They really do make going to school bearable.
Jan 2018 · 839
Stardust
empty seas Jan 2018
I should be proud
I should be thankful
I’ve had a good life
Everything is plentiful

But
my head won’t let me think straight
Everything’s a mess
I can’t be happy
When I’m less
than stardust
the dirt on the ground
We’re all made of the same things
as the stars and galaxies
But I think I’m missing something

The sunshine, moonlight
Makes everything beautiful
Look at the smiles of my best friends
Wonderful, as usual

I feel so inferior
to the beauty of my friends
Why they love me, I don’t know
but I’m there until the end

Take a long look at my friends
then a glance at me
and you’ll see
I’m less
than stardust
While they’re galaxies
My friends are literal angels, such kind and amazing people, I’m honestly unworthy of their friendship and love
Dec 2017 · 7.5k
promises
empty seas Dec 2017
they said
they'd never use me
but they treated me like a tool

she said
she cared
but she thought I was expendable

he said
he'd never tell
but he confessed when I turned away

broken promises
fake smiles
you talk and talk
but never say
anything
close
to the truth
Most of my friends last year were the embodiment of fake, I'm going to leave them in 2017, hopefully.
Dec 2017 · 354
jumbles of letters
empty seas Dec 2017
The best kind of relief
comes from the friends
who take the pain
without question
without doubt
My friends never question my pain, and it’s wonderful
Dec 2017 · 373
Entropy
empty seas Dec 2017
Oh
            how we try                          
                                  with feeble hands      
        to keep everything
                                       our broken minds                    
     from falling apart
Sometimes I feel like everything is futile
Dec 2017 · 247
_______
empty seas Dec 2017
My head aches
with untold stories
My stomach is full
with swallowed words
My body has worn away
from being a trophy
The smart, awkward friend
The introverted, successful daughter
When can I tell my own story?
Dec 2017 · 294
sickness
empty seas Dec 2017
aching
shaking
I can't move or think
hopeless
helpless
I could use some saving
confined
deprived
my insides are as empty as my mind
pain
I feign
that I'll ever be okay

the only thing left to do is to
sleep
to sink into darkness and
relief
I got really sick yesterday, really, really sick, and so I turned my pain into a poem, like one does. Sorry if it's bad, I still don't feel that well.
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