once upon a time
there was a girl
her hair was made of greasy threads
and her face was a horror onto itself
she scribbled on all her mirrors
trying to deny the monster she was
fake smiles and baggy clothes
locking herself in her isolated tower

then

she was told she talked too much
the flowers that flowed from her mouth shriveled
the light in her eyes would quickly die
she stitched her mouth closed multiple times
sometimes breaking free to rant, then cry
bleeding and stitching
bleeding and stitching
the repetition became a comfort by itself
every time she slipped up
it was the same
bleeding and stitching
a punishment she wished only on herself

once people began leaving her
for one reason or another
her mouth said "it's okay I understand"
but her head said it's all your fault
the ugly, idiot girl
ran away from her problems the best she could
stitching and itching
her arms became a red mess
she isolated and contemplated
who was going to leave her next

she loved and wanted
but kept hidden away
blaming every lost friend, every breakup
on her horrendous face and annoying personality

she hated her self-pity almost as much as herself
no man or woman would save her now
she was the only knight she had
and saving herself was too much of a privilege to grant
to such a mistake as her

so here we stand
this girl wasting away
don't pity her
she deserves it
it will probably always be this way

My chest is tight
restriction from an untouchable force
anger
I want to hurt and destroy
bring justice
for every time I’ve been wronged
but this anger is misplaced
towards the innocent
who don’t know any better
so I tuck it away
and it turns inwards
causing so much pain

Eventually
after I’ve tried other things
I have to use physical pain
to make the tension
the frustration
the anger
go away

my anxiety came back
but remixed
with my fear
manifesting as anger

What do your friends describe you as?

Annoying

”Close your mouth”
“Don’t say a word”
“Whatever you were going to say
doesn’t matter anyway”
These thoughts have run
through my head
around and around
for so many years
Hurtful words I took from
good people:
my friends

I talk too much
just won’t SHUT UP
even when I drill it my head
again and again
that people have left me
because I was too selfish
too open
too ready to tell a story
I just can’t stop
I just keep opening up
I hate myself for making this
pitiful poetry account
there’s nothing worse than
complaining to strangers

I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
I complain too much
I talk too much
I just can’t help it anymore
I want to be heard
and I’ve tried to be quiet for too long

so

I’m annoying
so ******* annoying
always has been
always will be
spilling words and emotions
at any chance I get
By now
everyone around me
just wants me to shut up
they say that they don’t
that like what I say
and conversations with me
are actually really fun

But

That’s what they all said before

my anxious thoughts are
a flock of birds
focusing on a worry
and swarming it
consuming it
and carrying it with them
but now they are
scattered
a storm has come through
sweeping them around
and around
where they are so scattered
they focus no more
and I can’t decide
whether the clear, direct anxiety
or the dull, all-consuming anxiety
is better
but i still hope
the birds soon flock together
again

people come
and go

friends
change

they leave
whether by virtue
of circumstance
or choice

and this time
the choice
is mine

i cannot
be friends
with you
any longer

yes, i’m fine
just wait a minute for the tears
to stop passing by

There’s always been a bubble
between me and my friends
i can’t tell who put it up
some days it feels thinner
like I can finally be a part
of conversations
of memories
and I feel
happy

too many days it’s
suffocating
cutting me off from air
and support
and friends
conversations float through
but I know I’m not a part
so I push myself
into the corner
and wrap my bubble around myself
like a blanket
like a hug
suffocating myself in
the most peaceful way possible

can you hear the waves?
the relaxing sound
hides a dark undertone

a funeral song
helping the dead and the dying
drift off
to a more peaceful sleep

when i am but a husk
let me join the many
that rest
beneath the waves
and i can feed
the ocean's creatures
to give back what i have taken

life started in the oceans
and there
it shall end

i can't breathe
there's a crushing weight on my chest
pushing and squeezing all the life out of me

i feel so utterly alone and helpless
desperately trying to feel okay
be okay
but it's so hard
when i'm so alone
so alone

i can never seem to keep close friends
they come and go
almost as fast as possible
so i latch on where i can
taking things faster than necessary

i just want to be loved
but no one ever loves me for long

my muscles have frozen
my bones turned to icicles
my fingers crack at any movement
my blood turned to icy mush
and slowed to a trickle
even the hot summer sun
can’t keep me from shivering
the only thing I can feel
is the cold

we search and we search
pulling and pulling this magical thing
from every living and inanimate thing
stuffed animals
your best friends
blasting music through your ears
and everything in between

we grab and grab
holding onto anything and everything
that makes us feel good
our crutches
our comfort
we give something the power
to make us feel okay

but how easily
this comfort can slip away
or turn into something
addicting and unsavory
so take your comfort
and hold it tight
but realize
you don't need comfort all the time

i’d forgotten what it felt like
to be confident in your body

i’m Finally able to look at myself
my face
my chest
my stomach
my legs
and appreciate them all

it feels really nice

i have bad moments where
i think i’m ugly and fat and awful
but they’re becoming less and less and less

and the weirdest part
is that i’m not feeling this because someone says i’m pretty
and i guess that makes sense
because after all
her words never seemed to translate
into her actions
and after all
i’ve never let someone’s views
form my own opinions

either way
i know i’m...
well, i haven’t decided what i am yet
but i don’t think i’m ugly


i was shown that it was okay
to let your anxiety control you
but i will no longer let that happen
to me

i can’t do this
i’m not good enough
i can’t control my own actions recently
obsessively checking and checking
to see if someone is talking about me behind my back

i ate close to 4 meals today
i just ate and ate and even when i was full
i couldn’t stop
even now my stomach yells at me
so full yet so hungry
and the whispers say just throw up
but i’m still too cowardly to try

i can’t stop shaking
if not my hands, my legs
if not my legs, my teeth
at one point i could feel my brain inside my skull
everything is uncomfortable and hurts
so, so much

i am a failure
i am a failure
and i need to drill it though my
rotting brain
before self confidence comes again
i can’t do anything
i can’t practice for a state competition
i can’t study for the ACT
i can’t even keep myself from tearing
the inside of my cheek apart
in an attempt to stay calm
i’m rotting

i am falling apart

no one wants me

i’m too loud
uninteresting
annoying
and it shows

i see the looks
on my new friends’ faces
it makes me not want to try

i’ll try for now
but i’m worried it’ll
never work