everyone in my life is temporary
when will i learn to live for myself?

I wanted to be saved
                   I craved
              a connection,
            a love I could trust
Blinded by obsession
      twisted to tension
Was love meant to be lust?

Begging you to stay
             was a chase
             with trip wires
How a match that's burnt out
             can't start fires
fingerprints singed from the tries
does numbness inspire?

Smoke was a haze
that surrounds you
Consumed in the fumes
        It allures you
If you don't look down
                   the ground, betrays you
                      Love was a maze

A rainy day
left me ashes
the wind icy, circling past us
        I was wrong all my life
             On love and on loss
              I never knew loss until I met you
        Losing means nothing without love
    And our love meant nothing without loss

Love is a street lined with oak trees
Branches like hands holding leaves
               Cradling flowers in spring
Love is a street,
       it goes two ways
              Stretches horizon to horizon
                       Travels East to West
                         and sunrise to sunset

3 years
A hundred tears
A thousand fears

3 months
No hugs
No love

3 is your name
3 is my pain
3 is your face
3 is the change

A new love, could it be?
A chance to start again
We have not spoken, really
And you know nothing of me
Yet you say those words
“I’d love to get to know you”
Those awful words
Awful as they sparked a hope in my heart
A hope that only grows over time
Despite your late messages
And our dry conversations
And the fact that you are much better than me
I still cling the idea
That you and I could become something lovely
Do you think so too?
Is this the one chance I have?
It feels more real that the last time
But every moment is crushing me

a river

narrow
winding
i watch you turn

you look like you'd hurt me
but how can i be sure
you could be what saves me

voices warn me to step away
so i don't get swept in your tide
they try to push me
but you pull me closer

i chase after you
to understand you
but you're a maze

narrow
winding
i watch you turn and turn again

shallow
but you'd drown me if i let you


heavens, do i want to drown?

I reveal to you
The scars I've always tried to conceal from you
I make a deal with you
That if you break me I promise I won't heal from you

I barely showed you the cracks in my heart and you said you'd help me when I fall apart but words are just that they are empty and cold and you left me behind which is just what I told you would happen. Again and again and again.

You found the parts of me that were still tender, caressing my wounds to make me feel better, then dug a knife into my exposed skin proving to me you're exactly like him. Again and again and again.

With the steel blade you carved out my heart, I'm left again hollow like I was at the start, but it's my fault for letting you in, yes it's my bad you showed me you'd win. Again and again and again.

Maybe one day when my body grows numb I'll meet someone who sees everything I've become and loves every part of me, broken pieces and all, someone who'll hold me when I seem to fall. Again and again and again.

I conceal from you
The scars I've always tried to reveal to you
I break a deal with you
That if you love me I promise I won't heal from you

Your presence is awfully comforting
Yet you leave me with shivers
tickling my spine
And goosebumps
prickling my skin.
You feel so near, right next to me,
But when I reach out
You disappear.

Your figure is just a silhouette,
maybe blue, brown, perhaps green or even grey,
could the eyes be that captivate me from miles away.
You still seem so close.

I'm full of emotions that make no sense, not even on a blank page
Full of ink splotches
and salty blue blotches.
When I wish to tell you how I feel, I mumble
Until all at once my jumbled words fumble
and fall into a pile at your feet.
Which you blankly stare at, before walking away.

You'd think there would be a number of how many times a heart could shatter
over petty things
Before it would learn to hold itself together longer,
to be stronger,
or at least you'd think that it wouldn't hurt as much when it falls apart again.

I thought people said that love could make you feel alive.
But being in love has only been an ocean full of waves which have crashed over me far too many times,
Until all my color has faded,
Washing away the childhood spark that once gleamed in my eyes.
Until all that's left is a shell of the girl I used to be,
A smile still drawn
on my blue lips
that were still waiting for your ghostly kiss.

But nobody sees my efforts, you don't hear my cries
that I muffle with "it's okay" and other shallow lies.
I know you ignore me
when you say you adore me
And I know I implore you,
when it's my bad I fell for you.
I'll continue to pontificate
on a dreadfully pathetic page
until I surely suffocate
in the mound of poems I create
which are riddled with your name.

But it's my fault.
For I fell in love with a ghost. Like I always do.
And he left me behind, like they always seem to.

air bubbles float with ocean foam
each time my breath escapes

my lungs deflate
my vision shakes

body sinking
suffocating

i try to survive off of air bubbles
because it's all i have left

Am I in love with you
Or am I in love with the idea of you
The thought that we’ll live our life together
Forever
Day by day with just each other
Growing up
And growing old
With only each other to hold
Creating a family
A home
A life
My heart yearns for such a life
But I’ve fallen in love
With the idea of you
Of you and I
And I’m not even sure if I know you
Anymore

i am currently working on publishing my poetry into a collection
i don't expect to make any money
nor do i imagine that i will gain any popularity
but this is an accomplishment that has added motivation and excitement into my life
i know it will be difficult and draining
but wish me the best of luck

Fingernails tapping
Teeth biting my cheeks
A pressure on my chest
Eyes darting around the room
I should probably breathe

At this point I can’t quite remember
The last time my mind was at ease.

The sky was an ocean, clouds of foam washing against the mountains.
The sun was a golden drop of honey, casting light upon the emerald grass.
A pond lay still in the field of green, motionless and peaceful.
Calm was the water, and silent was the breeze.

One day when the sun was barely peeking over the mountains and the field was full of an early mist, the wind carried a single drop of water to the center of the emerald meadow.
The droplet fell into the grass and sunk deep into the earth.
For days of sun and nights of moonlight, the water and soil bonded to create roots.
The roots grew stronger by each morning, until one day a bit of a stem rose from the ground.
Hidden by the tall grass, it was still unseen.
The sun nor the moon could see what was slowly growing just before their gaze.
While the sky changed colors countlessly and the mountains woke again and again, something was slowly rising from the grass.

Soon it grew taller than the emerald field, and indeed the sun and moon did see it.
They awed over the astonishing beauty of the small flower.
A body of green and a head of white, the flower stood proud in the center of the meadow.

As the sun was retiring and the moon was beginning to cast its eerie light, the clouds grew violent and a storm arose.
The sky was dark and rain fell.
The grass swayed in the crying wind but the flower did not wilt.
It held still, its roots in fact digging deeper into the earth.

The next dawn was quiet and dreary.
The sun was dimmer, the grass was duller, the pond was still resting, and even the mountains looked asleep.
The white flower was seemingly untouched and even more bright than it was prior the storm, morning dew resting on its delicate petals.

Later the same day, a soft wind came.
Though it was a small gust, it unexpectedly swept right under the flower and pulled it from the ground.
It was carried with the breeze and dropped gracefully into the pond.
It drifted down the river, floating peacefully in the blue water.
Then a current pulled it down, and the flower swirled down to the bottom of the pond, never to be seen by the sun or the moon again.


Many sunrises later, a drop of water was carried by the wind to the center of the field.
When it fell to the earth, it sunk into the soil and felt the familiar roots of a flower.
The water built upon the roots and eventually, in the field stood a single flower.

So much to say
Yet I can’t find the words

Or the will

Cruelty echoes in my mind, cruelty that is my own burden to bear. I feel it ripple through my body, up and down and up again. My chest aches as it strokes my beating heart, my shoulders shake as it brushes gently against my bones. I hear the same thoughts I've recited a million times, thoughts telling me the truth I wish I could run from. But it envelops me entirely, like a sea surrounding my sinking body. What word is there that can even begin to interpret this feeling? Lost, uncertain, afraid, helpless, hopeless, alone. For it is all of these things, and more. Broken, ashamed, anxious, spiteful, empty. So so empty. Is anybody here? I see shadows but I can't tell if it's all in my head. I dare not waste my strength and swim to them, afraid of drowning if I do. What if there's no one there to save me? Even worse, what if they are there and choose not to save me at all? Each time I try to swim to a figure in the distance, I become no closer to them than I was before. Are they swimming away? Or am I simply delusional? I'd rather close my eyes and drift to sleep, at least that way I wouldn't have to disappoint myself again and again and again. Is this what it feels like to be weak? If so I never want to try again. Is this what it feels like to be abandoned? If so, I never want to trust or love again. Is this what it feels like to lose hope? I never want to hope again. It's all too exhausting and I wish I could just be okay. But even that seems too much to even dream of.

Your eyes... I promise, they're the key to my soul. They resemble the sky. A cloudy mist of blue and grey. Twisting and twirling, swallowing my gaze.

Your eyes were my reason to live.

Your eyes were my reason to keep my own eyes from closing forever.

Your eyes willed me to hold on. Until I truly wanted to stay.

Your eyes guided me through my life.

Your eyes were full of beauty, glory, love. They were full of a wonderful sky. One that I got lost in. Forever. And even after those eyes closed for the last time, I was still trapped. Caught in that broken sky.

Broken times let my doves fly
They carry sighs and lullabies
Sing of late nights and butterflies
Your blue eyes stare into mine

Broken days let my demons stay
They haunt with haze and long faces
Cry of pain and yesterdays
Your shadow fades and falls away

Broken weeks let my doves speak
With broken wings and no songs to sing
They fell at my feet and cried for me
Regret screams and my heart bleeds

Broken years kept my demons here
With crimson tears and ringing in my ears
They're vivid, clear, trapped in a mirror
Crippling fear suffocating my dear

How can I let go of a piece of me
How can I move on from something I’ll miss

Even though the butterflies have withered away
Even though their wings fluttered so hard they crumbled
Dead and decayed
Hollow shells of the love they used to hold
Never to fly again

You’re the only thing left in my heart
And I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive
Without you

Chasing silly fantasies,
Fallacies,
Impossibilities,
Left throbbing bruises on my feet,
Scrapes on my knees,
Blood in my teeth.

Chasing rotten stupid lies,
Starry skies,
Moonlit eyes,
Left stinging scratches in my thighs,
Pain in my side,
Aches in my mind.

Chasing love, chasing you-
The attitude,
The untied shoes,
Left nothing for me but the yearning for you.

I know it's childish
To imagine that you could possibly
Even like me
But the little girl inside me
Can't help but desperately cling
To the possibility
Even if it hurts so very badly
Even though each time I inhale I hope to breathe air
While instead poison caresses my lungs
With a touch as sharp as knives
I still breathe in
My heart begging for the chance that one day it won't hurt
To dream
And I know I'm childish
Yet I can't seem to give up
On you

My heart feels tight and fast and anxious,
When things are out of my control.
I feel a need to grasp at anything I can,
For when there is no sense of stability or familiarity or predictability,
I feel like everything around me will shatter into a million pieces.
Including me.

*

Maybe it's because I've had to take on this role my whole life,
This role of taking care of everything. Planning, being on time, making sure things line up.
This role that has been the cause of my stress.
Or perhaps it's because things have happened, in my past, that I had no control over.
And now I'm frantically reaching for something, anything, that I can control.

Life has a cruel way about it.

The moment I get a breath of fresh air,
My lungs are ripped out all over again.

Today I sifted through hundreds of poems
Reading each one, letting the words seep into my heart
I breathed in the broken lines of broken souls

I long to tell these weary poets that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't much further
That despite their exhaustion, there is still hope
That the pain is all worth it in the end

So, dear poet, who has happened upon this,
I wish for you to feel peace, or at least I wish for you to feel something
I wish for you to keep fighting
I wish to tell you all of the secrets to finding love

But now I hesitate
Who am I to tell you to be strong
When I am simply quite the opposite
Who am I to tell you to keep walking
When I fell to my knees long ago
Who am I to tell you to leave your pain behind
When I am wallowing in grief
And guilt
And disdain for my own self

Dear poet, I may not know the secrets
Or life's purpose
Or the beauty you bring to the world
But I do understand
And even if I may not know you, or your story, I hold love for you

This love is pure and true and I reserve it in my heart for the day you may need it most
Which is perhaps today
For today
I sifted through hundreds of poems
For an hour or so
I scrolled through your words
And I felt nearly every one

When I mention my demons
You picture creatures of horror
Contorted faces of terror
Alive to haunt my dreams
And corrupt my mind
With malicious laughter
You imagine twisted voices
Laced with insanity
That push me into the dark
With a touch as cold as a knife’s steel blade
You fear the thought of them
Of me

But my demons are gentle
They’re quiet
I feel their warm breath against my ears
When they whisper softly
Perhaps you don’t hear them because you aren’t listening
For their sharp words
Are said out of love
And their nails digging into my skull
Are only there to keep me safe
In the absence of their presence
I am worse
Which is why I let them stay
Because my demons are real