let me tell you the story
of the girl who laced cigarettes
with the taste of coffee
the girl who stained tissue napkins with sappy phonetics
and the guy who knew nothing of the sort

she carved heartbreak on the surface of her wrists
and broke silence with unessential questions
she wore her wounds in a tight braid
and carried her worries on the pages of a paper-back book
she described her mind as retired
from all the wars she has won and lost
she exclaims sighs of relief
and stands by the neutrality of her hopeless idealism

on the other side of the universe, however

there exists
the personification of oblivion
he betrays his race with an unrecognized voice
and words misunderstood by his own kind
he returns to his world for temporary release
of what
he is still unsure of
and yet
he is certain of the presence of sadness
he masks his isolation with a facade of self-accompaniment
and satisfies his inner desires with empty seats
he covers up his chapters with bottles of prohibition
and mystifies the tables with ashes of past regret
he sings about tomorrow as if it holds a promise
a promise of better days to come
he has gone from mountain to mountain
in hopes of a brighter view of the sun
but amidst all his travels,
he is yet to be blinded by the brightest of flames

and so,
he appears to be void
of reason
of worth
of a sense of purpose
of plans of the future

and maybe this is where the story ends.

with both their hands shaking from an overdose
with momentary glances of unread excerpts of themselves
with the unspoken truths
and with held-back melodies of lyrics still unknown
with curses of similarities
and vows of their difference
with her,
believing she already knows too much
and with him,
thinking she is yet to know more

or maybe I was wrong.

because maybe,
just maybe,

this is where the story begins.

Hindi ko mapagkakaila na marahil ikaw na nga
Ang pinakamatamis na tulang naisulat ko
Hindi ako sigurado kung dahil sa ikaw ang unang lalaking hinalikan ko sa ilalim ng bumubuhos na ulan
O dahil binigay ko ang lahat sa laban na 'to
Mula ulo hanggang paa
Mula buhok hanggang kuko
Mula balat hanggang buto
Tagos ang mga salitang yumayakap sakin bawat gabi
Halos hindi na nga tayo matulog diba sa dinami-dami
ng kwentong ibinahagi natin sa isa't isa

Naaalala mo pa ba
Noong sinabi mo sakin ang takot mo sa dilim
At kahit hindi ako nakakatulog ng may ilaw
Hindi ko pinapatay kahit para sakin nakakasilaw
Para sayo

Naaalala mo pa ba?
Noong unang beses kong sinabi na mahal kita
At ang nakakatawa ay ayaw mo pang maniwala sa aking mga salita
Dahil matagal tagal mo rin tong hinintay
Dahil sa ating dalawa
Alam natin na ikaw ang nauna

Naaalala mo pa ba?
Ang mga pagkakataong nagtabi tayo sa kama
Pero iba
Ibang-iba yung unang beses na nagsama tayo
Matapos kong ibigay ang aking "oo"

Naaalala mo pa ba?
Ang iyong paglaro sa gitara
Habang ako'y kumakanta
At sa hinaba-haba ng gabi ay siya lang ang iyong maririnig
Ang ating musika
Na bumabalot sa buong daigdig
Na para bang wala ng ibang tao sa mundo
Kundi ikaw at ako
Tayo, ang bumuhay sa mga nota
Na para bang may sarili silang isip
Sumasayaw sabay sa pag-ihip ng hangin
Sa akin
Alam ko na sa akin ka lang
At sa'yo lang ako
Ito ang binuo nating pangako
Mapa-dilim, o umaga
Maaasahan mo na sayo lang ako
At akin ka lang

Naaalala mo pa ba?
Kung paano mo ko napangiti
Sa simpleng biro mo ay mabilisang tumutupi ang simangot ko
Na sa kahit anong sitwasyon
Gamay mo ang pagmanipula sa aking mukha
Napapatawa
Napapangiti
Nagigising
Napapatulog
Napapalaki ang mga mata sa gulat
Napapakulot ang noo sa alat ng alak
Napapahalakhak
At maski ang aking pag-iyak ay nakabisado mo na

Pero sa lahat ng naaalala ko
Hindi ko na maalala kung paano mo ko hinawakan
Kung paano mo ko sinabihan ng "walang iwanan"
Kung paano mo ko hinagkan na parang wala ng bukas
Kung paano mo ko tinitigan
At ginawang laruan
Na gagamitin pag kailangan
At isasantabi pag pinagsawaan
Na anumang oras ay pwede paring balikan

Hindi ko na maalala kung paano ka nagsinungaling
Na parang henyo sa sobrang galing
Hindi ko maalala kung paano mo ko sinabihan
Ng mga salitang,
"Binibitawan na kita."
Hindi ko maalala kung paano ko hinayaan
Na sumuko ka ng ganon ganon na lang
Hindi ko maalala kung paano mo nagawang
Sabihan ako ng "Miss na kita."
Habang hinahalikan mo siya
Hindi ko maalala.
Hindi ko na maalala.
At ayoko ng maalala.

Sa totoo lang hindi ko pinagsisisihang wala ng tayo
Pero gusto ko lang sabihin sayo na sinisi ko ang sarili ko
Sa lahat ng pagkakamali mo
Para sa mga bakit na hindi nasagot
Paea sa mga sugat na hanggang ngayon ay hindi parin nagagamot
Para sa mga tanong ng madla na pinipilit ko paring ibaon sa ilalim ng lupa at takpan ng limot

Bakit hindi mo siya kasama?
Ah kasi ayaw niya kong makita.
Bakit siya nalasing?
Ah kasi nag-away kami kanina.
Bakit siya umiiwas?
Ah kasi nagsasawa na siya.
Bakit hindi ka na niya pinupuntahan?
Baka kasi hindi ko binigay ang lahat.
Bakit hindi siya lumaban?
Baka kasi hindi ako naging sapat.

Bakit siya naghanap ng iba?
Bakit nga ba?
Bakit pinagmukha mo kong tanga?

Pero hindi tanong ang pinakamasakit sa lahat
Eto
Eto ang hindi kinaya ng puso
Na para bang ayoko ng mabuhay kahit isa pang oras,
Isa pang minuto
Isa pang segundo
Eto ang mga salitang pinamukhang talong talo na ako

"Uy, sabi niya wala na daw kayo."

Konting konti nalang
Hindi na kailangan budburan ng asukal ang kwentong ito
Dahil uulitin ko
Hindi ko mapagkakaila na marahil ikaw na nga
Ang pinakamatamis na tulang naisulat ko
Sayang lang nga
Hanggang tula nalang ito
Sana pala naging tula nalang tayo

If I stop drinking water,
would I lose the ability to cry?

Am I the only one who is terrified of 2 am?

When everything magically falls into place

And for once

The world is silent

And all you can hear
            is your own thoughts of
                                     self destruction

Thinking about nothing
                                     and everything

All at once

All too much.

Am I the only one?

It's her putting letters into words
So he becomes a part of literature
It's the way she spontaneously smiles when she remembers his dress shoes
It's her sitting on the rooftop holding nothing but a half-spent cigarette
Wishing it was his hand instead
It's the exhausted smell on her comforter
Until the day he sprays more cologne on it
Or body spray, either way
It's being comfortable enough to not wear a bra (at times)
It's her way of looking at the shirt he gave
It's spicy food
And the cup of Nissin seafood

It's his giggling whenever she acts like a child
It's the pendant on his neck
It's the "wo ai ni"
It's the intensity of his stare
It's resisting the urge to **** her
It's the bonnet
It's his first kiss in the rain
It's his fear of oblivion
It's his whispers of "God, I love you so much"

It's closing her eyes when she hears "Walang Iba"
It's the "keka ku, kaku ka"
It's the dark closet in her room
And the inflatable bed of their friend
It's fighting over the simplest things that seem like mountains
Like the Great Wall of China
Or the Battle at Gettysburg
It's her shouting "I hate you!"
Only to hear "I love you too!" in return
It's the duets they got used to.
It's being with each other for 72 hours straight
It's him
saying he's not good enough for her
And her
thinking he deserves someone better.

It's the lapse between seconds
It's him breaking her walls without breaking anything else
It's her making him believe in waking up to the same face for the rest of his life
It's the music
It's the silence
It's knowing that she desires him for herself
Even with all the stars between them.
It's seeing,
That although the road is rough,
She is his medicine
Just as he is hers.
It's the entire universe conspiring to bring them together
It's the petty misunderstandings
Or the major ones.

It's the stargazers.
And the shotguns.
It's loving too much
Or loving just right.
It's you.

You are looking for the kind of love that I cannot give.
In fact, it is the kind of love that cannot be given by anybody else,
But you.

I know you think you've been through the seven circles of hell
That everyday it seems like the entire universe is conspiring against you
That as if the moment you step out of your home, the ground starts to crumble beneath your feet.
But love,
Do not be afraid.

You were made to conquer the army of Palestines
And climb atop the tower of Babel
You were made to crush the walls of Jericho and part the waters of the red sea

You are meant to be so much more than a pawn
You are a king
But a king knows the pain of becoming a servant
For he himself is a servant of the people

Do not forget that your strength comes from within you
Not from the foul words of those who envy
Or from the empty bullet cases of those who desire your failure
Your inviolability comes from yourself
Do not let anyone, ever, make you feel less of who you are

You are a king
You
Are my king

And all I wish for you is happiness beyond measure
Joy that fills the deepest holes in your hollowed heart
Courage that you may step out of your comfort zone and do amazing things
And most of all
Security
You do not need words of validation from your peers
You do not need claps and screams of praises from the crowd just to prove that you are worth something
Do not change for anyone
Not even for me
You are worth more than a thousand diamonds or a million bricks of gold just because you are who you are

I cannot tell you that it will all be good days
Because I am sure that there will be days that feel like ****
You will feel burdened with the weight of the world
You will kneel at the guns of those who criticize your gifts
You will doubt yourself
And you will doubt me
I am sure of that
And there will be times when I would want to let go of your hand
When I will scream at the absence of your attention
When I will run away from the problems WE have to face

But love,
Know that I won't.

I will run the race with you, and carry you if your feet start to fail
I will sing to you when the music stops playing
I will remind you every single day that
You are loved
When you smile
You are loved
When you fail an exam
You are loved
When you are betrayed by your friends
You are loved
When you are at your worst
You are loved
When you don't love me anymore
You are loved

And when the time comes when you want silence from my side
I will willingly give it to you
I will shut up
I will close my eyes
I will take the pain
I will catch your punches
I will receive your harsh words
I will stand up
I will walk away
I will let go
IF you want me to
I will.

You know what is best for you
And I know what is best for me
For now
I just know
That what is best for me
Is you.

On a last note, don't let anyone, ever
Make you feel like you don't deserve what you want

Thank you love
For everything

totoo and sinasabi nila
na sa segundong mawalan ka
ng pakialam sa mundo ay bigla nalang itong
magpapakita ng pakialam sayo
na sa oras na maglaho sa iyong pansin ang tagtuyo
biglaan nalang iiyak ang mga ulap para sayo
na sa sandaling binitawan mo ang kamay
ng gusto ng makawala
darating ang ibang kamay na hahawak muli nito
ng mas mahigpit, totoo
ang sinasabi nila

tila mahirap lang maniwala
sa sabi-sabi, sa haka-haka
dahil hindi nga naman ikaw ang nakatayo sa sapatos nila
tiwala

tiwala sa pag-angat ng araw na hindi ka nito bibiguin
tiwala sa iyong pag-dasal sa mga bituin na
kumukuti-kutitap sa gitna ng dilim, ang buwan
na sa mga pagkakataong wala ng pag-asa
ay kakantahan ka ng may bukas pa, totoo
ang sinasabi nila

oo
darating ang mga araw na bigla ka nalang mapapaiyak
sa tuwa, sa lungkot
sa paglisan ng taong iniikutan ng buhay mo
darating ang mga araw na bigla ka nalang mapapaluhod
dahil wala ka ng magawa at wala ka ng matawagan
pero tatandaan mo na hindi ka nag-iisa
dahil nandito ako, ako

ako na kailan ma'y minahal, nagmamahal, at magmamahal sayo
kumapit ka lang
sa aking kamay
sa aking balikat
sa aking katawan
na kahit ulanan ng pasa at sugat
ay ibinibigay ko sayo
ng buong buo

uulitin ko, totoo
ang sinasabi nila
na sa gitna ng kawalan
sa gitna ng pagsuko
sa gitna ng pagbitaw
ito mismo ang maghahanap sayo
siya mismo ang maghahanap sayo
darating at darating ang parte nitong kwento
na bubuo sayo
at muli nanamang iikot ang iyong mundo
pero sa ngayon, sa dito, sa oras na ito
habang naghihintay ka pa,
ay mali pala, dahil hindi tayo maghihintay
at hindi tumigil ang pagtakbo ng oras sa buhay na ito
dahil maliwanag pa sa bumbilya ang kamalian ng nakaraan
bitawan mo lang
at hayaan mo kong isatupad ang aking mga pangako
hindi kita iiwanan, tiwala
magtiwala ka lang

sa huling pagkakataon,
uulitin ko, totoo
ang sinasabi nila
hindi ka nagbubulagbulagan
kundi pinagkakatiwalaan mo lang ako
ng buong isip at buong puso, ako
ako na nagtiwala rin sa Kanya
ako na hindi umasa, ngunit
humawak sa salita ng aking Ama, ako
ito ang tatandaan mo

"we were brave,

                        for all the wrong reasons"

I am drunk as ****
just half past twelve
every soul is asleep
and I'm talking to myself
and yet these lonely lips
scream "why!" into the void
all these ****** vague voices
leave my sanity destroyed.

GISING!*
mainit na kape
natutumbang mga mata
nanghihinang katawan
isip ko'y nawawala
isang tinik ng ingay
agad ng napatingin
sa gawing banda roon
anong takot sa dilim
balik tayo sa mga salitang
mala-linya na ang ukit
sa utak kong sabaw
lahat sa paningin na'y marikit
maski nag-iisang ilaw
nagmumukha ng tutubi
pagkat sa pagdating ng bukas
bawal ang magkamali
ilang pahina nalang
kaya't konti pang tiis
minimithing tagumpay
aking makakamit
kaya't higop pa ng kape
puta*, dila ko pa'y nasunog
dasal na lamang ang katapat
maliban sa luha at uhog
kakayanin, kakayanin
hindi nais magtagal
habang sila'y nagsasaya
narito kang nag-aaral
kung ayaw **** maiwan
sa kwartong maputi
kasama ng demonyo
gisingin ang sarili
walang alay na magaganap
hindi maaaring ipabahala
bawal tayong magtawag
diyos-diyosan dito sa lupa
itong mga matang
bumibitaw, bumibitaw
sa gabing ito, walang susuko
maski budhi ko na'y sabaw

The mirroring we do.
The projection we play.
Will all come back to haunt us.
Somewhere,
Somehow,
Someday.

Sabi mo, di mo kakayanin
Ng wala siya sa'yong tabi

Sabi mo, wala kang magagawa
Pag nakita siya'y, napapangiti

Sabi mo, gusto mo lamang
Tawagin ka niyang "kanya"

Sabi ko, di ko na napansin
Ako pala ang nagsasalita.

It ruined my life
And shattered my bones, *******
Let me go, oh love.

I love you inevitably.
Just as sure as the sun rises in the east.
I love you unfailingly.
And without a doubt.
Because there is no other way to love you.
In all your flaws,
I find utter perfection.
That they make you more of a man.
More than anyone else.
Your insecurities. And depressions.
All of them I desire.
Not for myself. But for you.
For I know that without your anxieties,
And curses of hate,
And thoughts of dreadful nights,
That scream into the void and oblivion,
I would not have loved you
Just as I do now.
I love you with all intentions
Of keeping you for myself.
Who,
in his sane mind,
would want to let go?
In all your pain,
Mistrust and paper cuts,
These that make you who you are

I love you.

And that is all.