Hi,
I'm Nicole
I'm still young
Only
16 going on 60

I've seen so much
I can never go back
I got more regrets piled up
Than stars in the sky

I've been told
My eyes look older than my body

And
My soul seems older than my age

That's because
I'm just
16 going on 60

A heart of stone
A girl alone

You came along,
You broke up the rock
It took time but
Slowly
It became soil

You were gentle
You were sweet
You grew a garden
It took time but
Slowly
It became flowers

You were lying
You were cruel
You left the garden
It took time but
Slowly
The flowers died

You were gone
I was lost
The garden was forgotten
It took time but
Slowly
The dirt turned to dust

A heart of dust
A lack of trust

Am I okay?

I cry every night,
And can't breathe most days.

I sometimes want to die,
And feel buried by all the lies.

I have a broken heart,
And trust issues.

But also,

I smile at the little things,
And laugh for no reason.

I have hope in my heart,
And light in my eyes.

I am getting stronger,
And I will keep trying.

So:
Am I okay?
No.

Will I be okay?
**Yes

I'm not just 'fine'
I'm fine and.....

I'm fine
As in I'm alive
The 'and' is for everything else

I'm fine and...
Sad

Fine and...
Lonely

Fine and...
Scared

Fine and...
Worried

Fine and...
Stressed

Fine and...
Dying

As you can see,
That silent 'and' in
"I'm fine and..."
Is very important

What kind of a stupid question is that?

You have forgotten,
We live in the 21st century
No one is happy

Content?
Maybe

Fine?
Perhaps

Hopeful?
Occasionally

But happy?
No
Nada
Never

Are you happy?
What kind of a stupid question is that?

"Are you okay?"

My breath quickens,
And my heart races
What can I do?
What should I say?

My mind runs in circles,
And my hands begin to shake.
Why is he asking?
Does he actually care?

My posture starts to shift,
And my eyes begin to dart.
How should I act?
Why did you ask?

Inside I start to scream,
I don't know,
I don't know,
I don't know!

Outside I calmly state,
"Yeah, I'm fine."

Why am I
Still awake?

I should be sound asleep,
Having happy dreams
Not lying here
Awake
Dreading sleep
For fear
Of my nightly visions
Nightmares

After all,
I am still a child
I think
Maybe

Why am I still awake?

You say that I
Am a work of art

And I'll believe you
Because you know what?

That picture you drew
At three,
Where you can't tell if that blue blob
Is an elephant,
Your grandma,
Or just a blue blob

*That's art too

The problem with me,
Is not my back,
But the fact that
I hate to see suffering

If I see someone in pain,
I do everything I can
To carry their burden

As I'm getting older however,
I've met too many people,
And carry too many problems

I was sure I could handle it
But I don't know if I can.
So I hope you are happier,
Back problems are worth it
To see you smile again

Just don't be suprised
If someday soon,
My spine
Simply
*Snaps

Ask anyone,
They have never seen me
Without bangs and a jacket

The bangs hide my face
So I don't have to face the world

They're not in style,
But I'm not in style,
So it's okay

I wear a jacket everyday
Even when I dress up
My arms are weak and scarred,
It's best to hide them

Both are insecurities,
I always get teased for them,
But I need them
To hide

I am far to insecure
To lose the safety
Of my bangs and jackets

Bouncing
An orange ball
Repeatedly against the floor.

Fake left.
Run right.
Pass.
Reverse.
Shoot.
Miss.
Rebound.
Repeat.

We must all be mad,
For we are doing
The same thing,
Over and over again,
And expecting a different result.

Lose the ball.
Run down the court.
Fast break.
Sprint.
Shot blocked.
Run back.

We run ourselves
Out.
To put a
Big orange ball
In a small white net.
And love every minute of it.

Back on offense.
Call the play.
Set a pick.
Roll to the basket.
Get the ball.
Shoot.
Get a point.

I don't know
What I would do
Without this madness
This again and again
This over and over

It may be mad,
But it makes me happy.

I was thinking....

Maybe humans are
More like our
Devices
Than we realize

You see,
We can die inside
All we want
And it's no big deal
No one really cares

But also,
As long as
We are physically alive
All we need
Is for someone
To replace our batteries

I want to dance through the
Ribbons of the wind

To listen to the
Music of the trees

To hear the
Song of the ocean

To watch the flowers
Dance and sway

And see the stars
Twinkling high above

And know my place
In this beauty
Just like when I was little

I recieved the
"Best attitude award"
For basketball

Everyone cheered
My team congratualated me
I smiled
And looked happy

But really,
I wanted to cry
The coach said I deserved it,
That I came each day
Smiling

Yes,
I do come in smiling
But only so no one sees the pain

That is not
The "best attitude award"
Not for me,

For me,
It is the
"Best liar award"

For I tricked everyone
Into thinking
Even my tears that night
Were tears of joy

I convinced everyone
Oh good job
They thought I was happy

That was when
I realized
Help would never find me

For I recieved
The "best liar award"

I can't decide which is worse

Nightmares
Where they're so real
And terrible
That you wake up sobbing
In the middle of the night

Or

Dreams
Where they're so real
And wonderful
That when you wake up
And realize none of it was real
You feel the temporary joy
Drain out of you
And cry hopeless tears

You should always be cautious,
For you are all stars,
And I'm a black hole.

You probably won't see me,
I blend in quite well.
In fact,
The only way to see me
Is the absence of light.

Always use caution,
Don't get too close,
I'll **** you right up,
And you'll
                    never
                            see
                                 light
                                      again.

You won't see me coming.
I fly off the radar.
But always use caution,
For I'm a black hole.

Make sure to keep your distance,
And I'll try to do the same.

Blue can be happy,
Like blue party balloons

Blue can be sad,
Like a tear down your cheek

Blue can be angry,
Like a stormy dark ocean

Blue can be frightening,
Like your piercing bright eyes

Blue can be hopeful,
Like a new day's blue sky

Blue can be timid,
Like baby blue walls

Blue can be mysterious,
Like the ocean's far depths

Blue is a bipolar color.

My soul is a flame.
Right now it's a spark,
Sputtering and flickering,
Trying to stay alive.

But I swear,
It was once
A bonfire

Everyone always says,
"Think outside the box."
But you built the box for a reason.
To keep what needs to stay inside,
Inside,
And what needs to stay outside,
Outside

When people so much as,
Take a board off their box,
And let what should stay inside,
Outside,
And what should stay outside,
Inside,
They talk about feelings,
And they speak the truth.
They are ridiculed,
And laughed at,
And hurt,
Again,
And again,
And again.

Until they build a better box,
To keep what should stay inside,
Inside,
And what should stay outside,
Outside

So how can you think outside the box,
When you know,
That the world will always just,
Force you to build a better box?

If most
Is is the highest
Above all
Greater than anything else

Then how is more
Above the thing before it
One step ahead
It's on top too

Is most
The greatest,
Or is more
Greater than most
Making it the greatest?

And then there's the same problem with
Great and greatest....

Breathe in
Breathe out

I'm drowning
I can't think
I'm all alone

Breathe in
Breathe out

It's all darkness
The light fled
I'm blind and lost

Breathe in
Breathe out

I can't move
I'm so tired
Everything is too fast

Breathe in
Breathe out

I can't go on
I don't want to live
I want it to stop

Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in....








Breathe out

When you love someone,
You each hold bits of eachother.

When you leave someone,
You lose some of those pieces.

When two broken people fall in love,
They share bits and pieces
To fix eachother.

Here,
You're missing some heart,
Let's share this piece

When two broken people
Fall out of love
You lose way more
Than you lost
The first time

So never love me.
I'm in so many pieces,
Infinity doesn't describe it

But my heart,
Or what's left of it,
Is big

And I will give you whatever I have
To fix you
Which means,
It will hurt that much more,
When you leave

Isn't odd how,
Someone can break your heart,
But only lose your trust?
As if,
If you search long and hard enough,
You might find your trust,
Which a careless person misplaced,
But never fix your heart,
Which a careless person dropped.

But I was gonna...
But I wanted to...
But I...
But...

You said you wouldn't leave!!

There are two types of people in this world:

1) The happy ones
The ones who love life
Love living
Have joy
In their hearts

2) The gentle ones
Who let others go first
Are always content
Not really sad
But not happy either

3) The ones like me
Too sad
Too tired
Too alone
Worrying  too much
And too confused
By life
To even count

When I first began
I was a human

I learned to fit in
And became a reflection

I started to fall
Now I'm a shadow

I see the ground coming up fast
Soon I'll be just *nothing

You tell me to grow up
To stop being a child

That I am being weak
I don't actually hurt that bad

Well news flash:
I am a child
And I do hurt that bad

Can you hear that?
Time passing
Without a care?

Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock

Can you feel that?
Your time,
That's slowly running out?

Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock

Can you see that?
How long it's been
Since they texted back?

Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock

Have you felt this?
Clocks slowly
Counting your days
Hours
Minutes
Seconds

Till you're gone
Listen to them

Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock

Time is short
Make the most of it

When I was younger,
I loved the clouds

I made pictures in them
And sometimes stories

I would sit and watch them
For hours

My parents worried
That a 6 year old
Needed "alone time"
But I wasn't alone
I was with the clouds

To me,
They were happy
And hopeful.

Now all I see in the clouds are
Darker days and rain storms
What happened,
To the little girl
Who loved the clouds?

I miss her

Before I met you,
My world was black and white.

When we met,
You showed me the in between,
The gray of life.

When we became friends,
You showed me that there is even more.
There are oranges, red, and greens.

Peace, happiness, and life

When I left,
You taught me more,
Although you were gone.

You taught me of
Blues, yellows, and purples.
Darker, colder colors

Sadness, bitterness, and anxiety

You taught me so much
About the colors of this world

I am sad
I see blues and purples
      Sometimes even reds
Sometimes the colors hurt
Sometimes they hurt a lot
Sometimes they hurt too much

So they gave me pills
Pretty little pills
To hide the blues and purples
        And sometimes reds
They say to find the yellows
And greens

I take the pretty little pills
And the blues and purples hide
But I've lost my yellows and greens
And all that's left

Is grey

The tide comes in
       The tide goes out
The sun goes up
       The sun goes down
The moon will wax
       The moon will wane
The life will live
        The life will die
The sad girl will be sad
        The sad girl will stay sad

Some things are just constant

1, 2, 3, 4
I can't do this anymore

5, 6, 7, 8
Little too little, little too late

9, 10, 11, 12
Into thoughts I'm forced to delve

13, 14, 15, 16
Invisible tears stay unseen

17, 18, 19, 20
Everyone laughs, this is quite funny

They're watching the counting girl
Start to
F
     a
            l
                  l

Guess there are no more numbers

I just want to cry
I just to scream
I just want to let it out

Yet I am denied
This simple request
By none other
Than myself

I must be strong
I must hide my pain
I must never let my feelings show

This is a hard world
We live in
You show them pain
And they'll stab you where it hurts

I want to cry

But I can't
I won't
I am

*Now the tears are falling

The world is dark
And I don't know what to do

And don't you dare
Tell me to
Simply turn the light on

Cause if you think I haven't been looking
For that stupid light switch
You're crazy

Haven't you seen me,
Running around
Feeling the walls?
Looking for the light switch

But it's pitch black
And I can't see a thing
So if you really care
Why don't you lend me a flashlight
And help me look?

Ten
Tears that fell

Nine
Half hearted oh wells

Eight
Sleepless nights

Seven
Silent screams

Six
Simple scratches

Five
Days left

Four
Depressive thoughts

Three
Anxious ones

Two
Ugly options

One
Last chance

Zero*
No more, she's gone

What can **** a man,
But is used several times a day?

What has a positive word in it,
But a horrible meaning?

What is simple to say,
But hard to fulfill?

What creates hopelessness,
But started with joy?

What word
Is the most important,
Most life changing,
Most devastating,
Most deadly,
Seven letters you've ever heard?

The answer is
*Goodbye

Dear Layla,

Thanks so much
You ruined my life
Congratulations
I know you tried

All those mean words
They hurt
I pretended they didn't
But they did
And still do

"You're fat"
"You're lazy"
"You're stupid"
"You're slow"
"No one likes you"

It's fine though
You can say those things
It's a free country
Just know:

If I **** myself,
It's on you

Dear Ocean,

I'd like to join you
You're the only place where I'm at peace
The only place where I am safe
Where it is quiet

Dear Ocean,

I'd like to sink
Beneath your powerful waves
To stay with you forever
Where it is calm

Dear Ocean,

Let my salty tears
Meet your salty waters
And they will float away
I will be safe forever

Dear Earth,
I'm sorry
But this is goodbye
I'm leaving
I'll go meet the Ocean

Dear Society,
Are you happy?
You win

Dear Ocean,
Thank you
I am coming
Please keep me safe
Now and forever

"Are you okay?"
You ask

"Well define 'okay'"
I answer

My heart is beating
Granted, too fast

My blood is flowing
I just checked

My brain is functioning
I'm thinking too much

My stomach is active
It's angry for me not eating

My lungs are moving
I'm just out of breath

Beyond physically?
No I'm definitely not okay

Didn't you know?

Cinderella,
Was only chased by the prince
For the mystery
Not the girl

Snow White,
Was never wanted by the prince
He just wanted
The adventure
Not the girl

Belle,
Was never loved
By the beast
He just wanted
To escape the curse

So didn't you know?
The only real prince
Disney ever made
Is named Hans

Who was greedy
And just wanted
Money and fame
And tricked a little girl
Out of her innocence

Didn't you know?

Did you know?
At the center of the universe
There's a black hole

Which means
The heart of the universe
Is remarkably similar to mine

I have been asked,
Why we aren't friends anymore
Time and time again.
I have thought
Long and hard
On this question,
And today I realized the answer.

We became friends,
Because we sang the same song.

But as we grew older,
We changed a word here,
Sentence there,
Phrases everywhere.

Till we were singing
Entirely different songs,
That simply have the same rhythm

So from a distance,
All you here is the tune,
And you think we are fine.

But as you get closer
You realize,
They are entirely different songs.

Now you are gone,
And even the rhythm
Of our song
Is different,
Lost,
And gone forever