And when you turned around
disdain in your eyes
and said “what’s the matter with you?”
I knew.

And when, during an argument,
you said “if that’s the way you want to twist things”
you reminded me of my father
and I knew then too.

And then, when the elevator opened, when you turned and walked away
because I answered your question honestly,
I knew
that what was once beautiful was merely the situation
and the joy, pleasure, delight
was mine alone
and nothing
to do
with you.

let go of dreams that aren’t serving you
let go of dreams that will never come true
you’re still sitting sobbing in your room to songs you were crying to at 14
and what the **** is growth anyway?
doesn’t pain throb the same at any age?
why hang on to possibilities when the potentiality of everything is right there in front of you?
shut up, you stupid *****: you’re brilliant
I love you
I will keep on loving you until you figure out what’s going on here
who you are
is not all you will be
and I love you
you’re mine
what else could I do?

i am trying to take care of my body
nurture it as if it were a newborn
cherish its hills and valleys, winding channels and perpetual rainfall
trying to help it move and sit and walk
and perhaps someday it will dance again

i am trying to take care of my mind
gather it up into my arms, tenderly
push away the clouds that gather and threaten to obscure the sun
throw open the curtains, unleash the riotous day
flood its rooms with light and the inevitability
of unwavering hope

i am trying to take care of my soul
nurse it carefully, puckered lips towards the sky
awake in anticipation for all the things that are yet to happen
the may-nots, the mays, the possibilities, the junes
and all of the beautiful days
that are sure to follow

as i push away the fury in my heart.

Darling, I'm a thunderstorm
and my rain pelts down harsher than the
words you spit
in vehement violence
Darling, I'm a thunderstorm
and my lightening strikes brighter than the
empty promises you made
(brighter, but just as fleeting)
Darling, I'm a thunderstorm
and my rage is vast, immeasurable
filling oceans with its ferocity
Darling, I'm a thunderstorm
and this too will pass, leaving
chaos in its wake.

there is an exquisite kind of despair
especially reserved for those with a secret
that possesses the mind with a violence

if loose lips sink ships
why am i drowning in my silence?

unlike the moon overshadowed by sun
i will not diminish myself
just to see you shine

unlike a scarf reached for on a stormy day
i will not wind myself around your neck
to keep you warm

unlike dust escaping old pages disturbed
i will not rise, nor fall, nor settle
nor make anyone happy
before myself

if your body is a temple then i am my safe house
but even the safest places can be seduced by a flame
and every time you touch me, you set my world ablaze

our lips met because our minds couldn't
and when they parted, you felt further away than ever

if, while on the other side of the world,
you buy me a book
and post it to me
along with the words
'i read this and i thought of you
and i knew you had to read it too'
then what else is left for me to do
except
         to
           fall
               in
                 love
                       with
                              you.

i tried to write a poem
i've been trying for a while
to write the ways in which you always
seem to make me smile

i've tried to tell our stories
through the medium of rhyme
but every time i start to type
the words fall out of time

it's always been so simple
i can write when i feel wrong
but it all seems so unnatural
now i feel like i belong

i don't think i can do it
'cause i don't know where to start
so if i see you in my poems
it will mean you broke my heart.

the words used to flow like silk through my fingertips
i used to know exactly how to weave them
make them fall into tapestries, hang them from walls
emblazoned with unadulterated innocence.

it wasn't until you asked to look at my creations
that i realised sunlight could be so damaging
my words felt frivolous under your scathing gaze
and they stuttered, crumbled. my tapestries fell.

now they're dust and i'm on my knees, crawling
grasping fistfuls that seep through my hands
you can't write about something you can't feel
and now i can't feel anything.

this is the last poem i'll write about you.

a momentary lapse of thought:
staccato thuds sounded by a hollow heart
upon the realisation that the clarity of 'best friends'
becomes muddled
and confused with the passing of time.

hearts become restless:
heads are filled with shinier thoughts
as the people once loved are replaced. we recreate ourselves
worlds away
from the ones to whom we once gave our soul.

the silence of an evening punctuated
by memories of our faded selves
they watch us as we blindly dance
to the symphony of their sighs.

he loves me
and i see it in his eyes
i see it when he pushes my hair back to kiss my neck
and it terrifies me

he knows me
and i hear it in his voice
when he laughs and calls me ridiculous when i collapse
in ticklish mirth beneath his touch

he adores me
and wouldn't hurt me for the world
i know it when he tells me i could never let him down
and i tremble under the weight of his words

If you think her kisses mean she wants you
she doesn't.
If you think it's going to work out with her
I don't.
If you think her heart is pure and simple
it isn't.
And if you think I'm going to wait for you
I won't.

We fell apart
When the lights dimmed with your smile
And acid tears burnt eyes to swollen slits
You punctured truths of glass into my heart
And we fell apart.

it's becoming easier
to hear your name and feel nothing.
Head and Heart fought a battle that only ended
when the Heart swelled with a Love that hurt to hold,
until the Head's gentle reminder
that this was not Love,
it was Pain.
blinding Pain.
but like all blows to the body and mind
Time crushes Pain into a dull ache, a numbness remaining
long in the Heart after the feeling has gone.
but the Head holds the knowledge that this was not Love.
it was Pain.
blinding Pain.
and it's becoming easier.

like a cigarette, ignited and raised to your scornful lips
you made me your addiction
and i let you consume me

liberated:
the weight of you lingered until i was strong enough to push you away.

the fog has lifted:
the cloudiness of my mind replaced by the clarity of knowing i no longer want you here.

so walk away,
throw out your fingers to count those who let you down.
whilst you were mourning those who didn't care
the ones who did struggled
under the burden of a love
they could no longer bear

you pitied yourself,
now i pity you too
a cold, unfeeling pity reserved for those who cannot feel warmth

i told you to walk away.

it wasn't until i wanted to fix someone else that i realised i was broken.

if you cared more than i, why did you leave?

in loving you, i lost myself
lost to the world and its surroundings
no more than a meaningless shadow
a self-inflicted kind of despair

lost to the world and its surroundings
i find myself drowning
a self-inflicted kind of despair
the fault is mine, and mine alone

i find myself drowning
no more than a meaningless shadow
the fault is mine, and mine alone
in loving you, i lost myself

we whispered with passion
made love to a lie
we burned with a fire
that destroyed you and I

I'm sorry that
in the depths of your ever-changing tide
I got swept away by you.

I'm sorry that
your expectations were not satisfied
when I was in your arms.

I'm sorry that
I wasn't who you wanted
even when you wanted me.

I'm sorry that
I could never amount to anything
more than perfect.

but most of all
I'm sorry that
I'm not sorry
not even a little bit
not even at all.

i'll watch your eyes when you are speaking,
to ensure your love is true
'cause i'm a hopeless overthinker
and that's simply what we do.

i will recall our conversations,
analyse the things you say
'cause i'm a hopeless overthinker
and i guess that's just our way.

i'll hold your hand when you are lonely
learn your dreams and heartaches too
'cause i'm a hopeless overthinker
hopelessly in love with you.

today
you slumped in your seat
head inclined towards my shoulder
as your eyes flickered open.
I felt the warmth of your gaze upon my face
so I turned to face you
and you looked away.
so for now I'll just sit in silence
and feel the comforting pressure of your arm against mine.

you're just the boy all the girls want to know
ignoring the plaintive cries of your lonely heart
fighting the urges to confuse love and intimacy
you stumble in the darkness of your soul

you're just the boy who lost his way
conflicted and isolated you turned and fled
straight into the arms of an intoxicating mistress  
drowning your sorrows in the seclusion of your room

you're just the boy who wooed with his words
as tortured and empty as the hearts you consumed
your musings were a mountain to be conquered
attempted by those much more experienced than i

you're just the boy all the girls want to know
but if the truth lies in misery then ignorance is bliss
for you were a mystery to be deciphered
and i'm just the girl who crumbled under your gaze

your veins were my lifeline
like lines on a map they twisted and turned
providing me with the direction in which to travel
they flowed like rivers
into the void of my heart

but you chose a different direction than i
left to face inevitable isolation
as your veins strangled my love
purging my heart
and leaving it empty

i know what it means
when you say you're not ready
i know how you feel
when you want to go steady
yet lately i'm feeling
i'm living a lie
i am waiting in silence
whilst trying to get by
on the whisperings of romance
the blurs in my head
maybe i'm what is missing
maybe you're what i dread

you're the difference in between of
what i think and what i say
you're the only one who's capable
to take my breath away
you're the shadow i remember
in the nights i stay awake
you're the last remaining victim
of the promises you make
you're the arrogant admirer
of your own self-righteous good
you're the shallow little dreamer
drowning in your lifeless blood
you're the hopeless overthinker
who can't hold a conversation
you're the absence in the thought
behind your insecure frustration
you're the joke behind the laughter
you're the end and yet the start
you're the one who i chase after
you're the thief who stole my heart.