Alone- deafening silencing erupting
around me.
Nowhere to escape
Nowhere to be.

Just me, myself and I
While half unconscious you lie
Burying your mind in the realm
of peaceful sleep.

Wide awake I will stay
For at least a few more hours I'd say
I can't be mad at you for the silence
I only have myself to blame.

Cause of my own demise,
Oh, what a shame

You're asleep
and I am so very awake
with far too much to explain.

*or maybe I'm just lonely

Porcelain powder
Amber bronzer
Fuicsha hues for the cheeks

Sandy brows
Black mascara
Red lip stain is what you seek.

I am not just a face

I'm a ******* human being.

I am not just a body.

I am soul ever feeling.

So many men, so ******
and tasteless

So many times
I want to remain
faceless.

honey suckle, babies breath
rosy buds of lifes breast
the sky is blind
the sea is deaf
together, they are
at their best.

evergreens, palm trees
they all look
the same to me
through wind they speak
and sap they bleed
always in beautiful simplicity.

as children get older,
teenagers- they grow colder
she needs a man
at night to hold her
keep her warm

and he, though strong
is weakened from
the long endless nights
where everything broke,
shattered, disintegrated
gone

he needs her gentle touch
to tickle his skin,
fill all the holes
gaping within

just as the sea and sky
and trees laughing in the wind
he needs her
and she needs him.

I try and feel highly of myself
to believe every word you say
but I've been taught that
thoughts like this
only come bathed in vain.

You have to know my dear that
I try and believe when
you tell me I'm perfect, that
I'm worth it

but the chemicals in my brain
put me to shame
gently whispering
"you're worthless"

love, has always been a
losing game
yet here we are both winning
and I have no idea how to play

how to believe that
you're all mine
I could let my worrisome conscious
be free

if only I'd know I'd never
have to say
please,
please- don't leave.

this way, can you tell me? why?
I am so terribly tangled inside
nothing to prove,
and everything to lose
surely, tis can't be I?

to have perhaps wandered up
the winding mountain top
too high
the foliage of thick branches
have always sheltered
my ****** eyes
and now- they water, and fall
from puddles into pools
in fear of finally seeing
the sky.

Half awake, half past noon
grey light shines dutifully
just past my eggshell
window sill.

I try to clear my head,
collect my scattered
thoughts, straighten all
the heart strings that get
so inevitably tangled within
one another, and definitely in

the web of uncertainty you've
woven for me.

I've walked for centuries upon
a sand filled beach, a dozing meadow
mostly cement and concrete
I never thought I'd be more
concerned about someone other
than me.

You're slipping away, so ever
slow, day by day
you're getting tired,
and it's getting too late
for me to be saved.

There's far too much
to say about our
invisible electricity, our complicated
simplicity that fills me
with just enough joy
to last me through
my day of toxicity.

To make me hunger
for your sweet, stubbly
kiss that fills the
little hole that was so
viciously knawing
at my soul.

In love, I can't pretend
in life, my bestfriend
I can't stop the emotions
that slowly creep up
expand and distend
foreign feelings, I am
able to happily follow
yet not comprehend.

the moon is cast, high in the sky and so far away
I long for the fields that span endlessly into
absolute nothingness.

I cannot bear the industrialized life,
dreaming, there are no gas filled automotives
or smoke stacks pouring their noxious fumes
into the sky.

I sit on the shoreline, and watch the clouds pass me by.
Waiting, I could wade in
and simply say goodbye.

Its almost like when we first met, stumbling over                                      all the awkward in between
feelings, anxious-nervous,
       snipping my heart
                                           seam
                                        by
                                                    seam.



                       It feels like we're strangers,
baby why do I get so scared?
when I'm tired and stressed and undone
        it feels that my heart is the one thing
                                              I can't seem to bear.



Numbness creeps in like morphine
                                        through my veins
                      defensive and upset
I only have myself to blame.



            I want to feel, I want to express myself
                                 like I am now
                    but in moments of emotion
        I can't seem to find the right words to say


                      what I can rhyme



                 I have a million and one things racing
      through my mind
                     I've tried shine as bright as you

        but I simply burn out over time



I'm trying my best, to be my best for you
   it just never feels enough
         you're a eight cylinder lamborgini
             and I'm drawing smiley faces in the dust.


I can't deal with,

                 the fact that you are so much more

      
      than I could ever hope to be.



                                                  It's scary,


    there are 6.9 billion other people out there


who shine so much brighter

                                                      t­han me.

Early morning wake to
the pale yellow sun streaming
gently through the broken blinds.

Rolling over onto the warmth
of another body
I can still say is mine.

Olive skin, speckled with scars
and freckles- perfect imperfections
all but your double-sugar dark roast eyes.

Time lingers as you watch me
wake, semi-concious smiles
of the brand new day.

Goodmorning beautiful, I love you

I couldn't tell you
a better thing to say.

To address all of the feedback I've been receiving in regards to the way I write or express myself I want to make some things clear.
#1.  I want to share my utter graciousness and love to all of those who support me on this website. I never thought my poetry could touch the lives of so many and have this sort of effect. I really do, truly thank all of you who have spent your time posting lovely comments or even liking some of my poems. You guys are the best! You are the reason I keep writing and feeling proud for all that I do. Thank you so so so so much for all of your love and appreciation. I can't tell you guys enough.
#2. In regards to me "seeking attention" or "getting recognition" from other people. In some way, I suppose you're right. I do want recognition for the work I produce in terms of my poetry. I want people to read what I write and share their opinions on it because I enjoy simple literature, reading and writing in general. I am not writing to having people say "poor you, you must have it so hard" I could honestly give not a single **** about any of that. I appreciate your concerns but I have friends and family who love me that I turn to when I'm in need of real support- and I write to simply get the residue of whatever bad feelings are left off my mind. I appreciate the heart-warming, extremely loving comments that I've received from many of you and they really do mean a lot to me and make me feel like I'm worth it. This is not addressed to you. This is addressed to the people who believe I'm trying to get attention by putting my work out there, this isn't what poetry is about- so stop projecting your own ideas and thoughts onto me. You will be blocked and unfollowed- I don't have patience or time for this ignorance and stupidity. I write from how I feel in a specific moment, whether that be happy, sad, depressed, loved, uneasy, numb, crazy- these are all parts of who I am, everyone can relate to all of these feelings- I just choose to express them more intensely or publicly than some. Some choose to post them on Facebook, or Instagram or church or to their friends- so please don't patronize me for simply expressing how I feel at a certain time. Poetry is meant to be shared and loved and constructively criticized, poetry is from the heart and soul of those who can't seem to express it any other way.
#3. Any comments regarding religion or spirituality in general I would rather address personally through a direct message- I was raised Roman Catholic- baptized, confirmed all that jazz. I also had the luxury of having a Buddhist grandmother and from both of those experiences in each religion I personally related to the Buddhism concept a lot better than the Catholic/Christian one. I believe there is a higher power (to some perhaps it can be seen as what you define as "God" or "Jesus") but to me I feel like it is so great that none of us can put to words or even fathom exactly what it is. Heaven and Hell both exist on Earth to me, I've seen glimmers of both. And I personally believe that when we move into the next world after our time on this earth has ended (death) that we are thrown into complete knowledge, complete understanding of the meaning of life and all that surrounds us. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually in the grand eternal scheme of things. With that, it is no ones place to try and change anyones point of view or beliefs in any aspect- I believe what I believe and if there is an all forgiving God, he would surely understand that.

So thank you to those who have kindness towards me on this site, and to those who don't? Find another poet to follow because I am clearly not your cup of tea.

Peace, love, hope & compassion

xox natasha

Counting each petal as it falls
For each is entirely
their own delicate fragment of beauty
If only I could admire them all

Their candy sweet, summer born perfume
someones turned the lights on again
my life simply, smoothly resumed

Looking back, I dont know how I could ever live a life so consumed- in anything but the blushing pearly hues that form so subtly as each magnolia bud begins to bloom.

I could sit here forever with you.
and enjoy every single one of your treasures
if you'd allow me to.

I want to get lost in you.
For lovely, there's a little piece of magic
in everything you do.
You've got me under a spell with the way your lips move, or the way your throat purrs when you sing me your lullabies and blues.

Small paradise, outside the old family house, beneath the sacchrine flowered tree
It's so beautiful to be in love with you

So beautiful, that you're in love with me.

They say love is blindness
No, I don't want to see
I'll dive head first into the unbeknownst depths
The cataracts impairing me

They say love is patient
I've never been good at biding time
I am ever restless
I'd wait eons for a love of this kind

They say love last forever
It's hard to think of anything
That can somehow compare
To that treasure.

White, silver, platinum, gold
These all fade away
They get chipped, lost,
They become worn and old

I fall in love with you differently
Everyday, for the same old things
It's so much more to me you see
Than any mortal, metal ring

Still, it's nice to think...

That miracales can happen

So I can hear my angel sing

Dear Sir,

I want you to fill me up
With all that hot sticky ***
And let me push it all out
so you can watch
when youre all done

I love our bodies connecting as one
and especially the feeling of that skillful tongue.
youre curvature fits me so perfect
That all pain from the inches that barely fit is so worth it

And the butterflies create
their rhythmic
flying circuit in my belly
when you use your fingers on
me like that old tele

you give me a rush with every touch
and flood me down below
caught in the palm of your hand

baby,
I wouldnt want anywhere else to go

As most of my older followers may know, throughout the last 4 years I hadn't gone a year without doing some sort of chemical drug- until this year. From the time I was 14 to 18 I mixed and sampled the following: (in order) tylonel 3, oxycodiene, MDMA- molly, "m" this drug is a mind killer, it ***** with your serotonin and dopamine levels the most, not super addictive in terms of ****** reactions but mentally it definitely sticks with you, for you will never feel as happy as the first time you try this- my #2 of the never ever try this. I will be a year clean of it on October 30th 2015, GHB- aka *******, *******- oh lordy where do I start. Perhaps with the fact that almost all the coke you buy is cut with laxatives or tylonel. I've suffered the greatest reprecussions physically and psychologically both immediately and long term from this drug. On this drug I experienced stimulant psychosis, cravings, shakes, twitches, believing that bugs were on me, dermotellemania, dramatic weight loss and my skin and hair were terrible. After I had become clean I noticed I still had no appetite, bowel and bladder problems, and craving similiar to those of nicotine. This is my #1- STAY THE **** AWAY FROM THIS, its a silent, slow killer and it's not worth the money you pay for it, $80 (per gram) on laxatives? No thanks. I will be a year clean of this on June 25th 2015, LSD, oxycodin, ****, heroine & dmt.

Personally, things like marijuana, psychobasilic mushrooms, LSD & DMT are still fine with me- I limit my LSD & DMT intake to once every 6 months (if that) and I've found no reprecussions from doing these drugs (yet!).
I was mostly majorly addicted to stimulants and I would advise anyone who wants to not **** up their life to stay away from any stimulant. They really don't benefit you in anyway- the high gets old, the aftermath isn't worth it. I have major mood and mental illness issues that I'm still dealing with to this day- I refuse to take any form of medication such as prozac because I'm afraid I'll get addicted and be on it for the rest of my life. I'm writing this in hopes that anyone who is using, or thinking of using please gets the notion out of their head that they need this ****- it's not cool anymore, its risky and it ruins your body by the end of it.
The reason I chose to stop was because I realized the fact I mentioned above, that it does absolutely no good in the long haul. There are so many better things (better, safer drugs even) then stimulants. I also met a man who supports me and helps me with the craving days I still get at least 1 or twice every month. And I've started to be happy with myself and my body. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I want to be happy and carefree- all these drugs do is chain you.

If you read this all the way through, you're lovely.

I hope this helps someone, somewhere out there.

All the words you say to me
honey you must surely realize
I take every word to my fractioned heart
I can't help but internalize
I've told you, darling
I'm in love with the simple literature
Your beautiful, soul-filled voice has painted me
So many lovely, mental pictures
With such power over me,
You're the only one I listen to
That makes me truly believe
This dynamic is laced with its downfalls aswell
For no heaven has ever presented itself
Without it's inevitable hell.
Everyone in this world could be
Throwing stones at my name, they only bruise
Even words that leave mental burns,
Or as far as verbal abuse
And baby I wouldnt care as long as you still thought I was beautiful

So, say everything exactly
how you mean it if you please
Actions speak louder than words
But with the power of love
You absolutely captivate me
Your sentences can break
this writers heart with ease.

Hey so I really wanna follow like all of yall that liked my lasst poem "How To Disappear Completely" but my phones super slow and cant load all of my notifications unfortunately so if yall could just send me a quick message being like  "hey whatsup followed you" thatd be awesome !
~ natasha

No one loves me
I'm not worth a single drop of blood

It would be wasted
If you spilt it for me

And dry your tears
For I'm the only one that has to cry

This time,
So there's no use shedding them for me

Sometimes, I wish I knew
How to disappear completely

So no one would remember my voice
Have no memories with me

I feel like life
Would merrily move along

If I were just simply
Gone
                     Gone

    Gone.

Ever greet
Someone so
Sickly sweet?
Her candy
Apple red
Puckered lips.
Her minty
Fresh white
Glistening teeth.
Her short
Honey combed
Locks of
Angel hair.
Its all
Too much
For me
I swear.
The scent
Of acid
Cotton candy
Penetrates the
Small room.
Innocently dressed
Classically groomed.
With a
Smile that
Says "I
Could just,
Like be
Your bestfriend!
I'll try
To hop
On your
Boyfriends ****
If you
Turn your
Back for
Just one
******* second!"
Call me
A sour
***** but
I hate
The fake
Super sweet
Little *****
That walk
Around like
Theyre the
****, like
They've got
Some god
Given right
To act
Like fake
Crowd pleasing
***** *******
I'll fill
Your face
With bruises
And stitches.

by this my brain is constantly haunted
there's just too many if's, and's & but's to consider
I just feel like sometimes
I'm the only one on the line, I feel like he's standing above me holding me by the thread I hold tightly.
At any moment he could just choose to drop me
and I've always been scared of heights you see
I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe that someone
so sweet and smart and lovely
could ever truly want me
all the stupid ******* insecurities
open me up alive and spill my guts to the ground
until I am hollow and empty
heaving, gasping for air
gagging with no relief,
no ***** as physical evidence as to why
I'm still hurting underneath.
The ache in my lungs
the reason why all my joints creak.
I can't
I can't
I CAN'T
I simply cannot tell you
why my soul is so weak
I can't find enough words to explain
I can't breathe
I can't speak
I can't live like this anymore
dragging around these fears like a dead horse.
I used to ride,
jump high and stay gold
the fear of never being wanted
has made my story
boring & old.

I never thought I'd seriously consider
ever truly settling down
with anyone
But, now my whole
world has been tossed
into a 180 turn around
wow,
I'm so young
in my ears, my heart rapidly pounds
it's you- the missing piece,
I can't believe I've found
breathless, I don't even mind if I drown
in the coffee filled irises
parting my lips
safe and sound

Starting honey sweet, light as a feather
the first spring breeze
thats breaking the brittle cold
of past weathers.

Longing after what seems
but a distant memory, my heart is tethered.

I cannot stress enough, express such need
to feel warm earth against my bare feet;
dewy breeze down my exposed spine
all the mental sighs of summertime.

Laying hands and lips against
sun-kissed skin
feeling relief from the heat ridden beach,
as we suspend in the calm, endless ocean

To be out until pink, and lavander
bursts of fragmented light graze the sky
and watch the dozing sun
set in his espresso eyes

We'll lay upon the soft emerald grass
watching all the stars and satellites
hands naturally entertwined
on our beautiful August night.

You give me such a head rush,
   The kind where you lose your breath
        Face flushed

Where I'm stuttering on every word
   Filled with electricity,
      Power surge

You want me?
   Well come on and ******* find me
      I'll be waiting

Resisting the urge to
  Even think about what you do to me
    Patiently

I don't know how long
  I can hold it in- until you see me?
    Maybe

But can I resist the urge to burst
  When you're underneath & inside of me
     We'll see

                                            *I love you sir

Disassociation
some turn to it for recreation
but I like to feel like me
I hate watching the world
play out like a movie on the big screen

The entire world
I can only see
I can't experience
the joy of life around me

I can't untie
untangle, unwind
all the strings tightly wrapped
around my poor little mind

I don't know what to do or say
I can't even bring myself to cry

Maybe I'm just the needy type
to feel a warm body
his heartbeat
against my spine

I will not live my life,
Stalking the the perimeter of my cage
To every other being such as me
This seems like a reasonable fate
For you are kept from the terrors and disease ridden world
And fed twice a day

I was meant to starve sometimes,
So that I am thankful everytime
I catch my prey
I want to travel for miles
And watch the sunset from a different mountain top every day.

I want my roar to echo in the deepest valleys, only to be answered by absolute silence. Instead of being observed as an act of violence.
I cannot continue my life this way, as your placid royal highness
When you get down to the core of my being,
I am after all- a wild tigress.

I have alot of opinions, this particular one I am about to share with you today is a seemingly less popular idea amoung the masses.
Let's take it back to right after the first world war- soldiers coming back from battle were ailed physically, but what drove many of them sadly to the points of insanity and suicide were the things they had witnesses on the battlefield. Scenes of people infected with festering diseases that eventually took their lives, some with arms and legs completely taken off- still walking around in the shock of it all, and most of all- the death, the brains and blood and insides of what used to be living breathing people now splayed out across the landscape or piling up in the trenches. The mere thought of it is absolutely horrific.
Today, we can turn on our various screens and witness the horror in high definition, excruciating detail. Human being desimating human beings. Killing each other for fun, taking another life for fun.
I know I am mostly alone on this, every single man enjoys his brutally violent video games, gore movies and zombie thrillers are the biggest thing right now.
Personally, I feel its disgraceful. A total disrespect for the dead and human dignity. Think of your grandparents, your parents, all of your friends and family. Would you be so excited to see them fall victim in the zombie apocolapse? Already dead, reanimated, rotting corpses of your loved ones attempting to take your life. Would you be so thrilled to have them pinned at gunpoint, because to the shooter- its a game?
This numbed human experience is insane.
I don't believe in it, and I refuse to live by it.
Yes, I have been exposed to blood, guts, gore & war
But I certainly don't absorb it for fun, or as a silly past time.
These are peoples lives.

I want to grab your hand, and run to a place that always feels like spring
we could say what we feel, and do as we please without ever worrying ourselves about a thing.
I want to climb the highest mountains
just to brush my fingers against the sky
I want to sail over seas
that are deeper than those eyes.
Too often we find ourselves surrounded helplessly by trial and pain
All we have is fading memories and talks about how the world has changed
But I cannot stand to stay the same!
I cannot live life rolling the dice eternally, with the same results in the same game
for it is simple beauty that keeps me sane
The silent snowfall
A kiss from the rain
& all the little things we have that are the so the same
Weird little coincidences, worries and doubts they tame.
I can't tell you what happens next
But I know,
I am not longer afraid
*the world is a beautiful place

Remember that nickname?
Stay where you belong *****

The delicate, pearlescent petals between my legs
      dance with euphoric grace as his strong, weathered hands caress my thigh

Magnetic electricity- my hair stands on end
goosebumps litter my palour
             an epitome across my skin

Though black clouds may cover past days
                    I know through even the wildest.
of storms- we'll always try our hardest
                           to find the best way      
We'll make it out alive, I know I said
                                  I'm dead inside

My love,
               you're bringing me back to life

'tis inexplainable, that foreign "beyond words" sensation- the incomplete isolation.

embody the human experience with me;
let's start the evolution of a revolution
that we all so desperately need

I pass streets crowded constantly with thousands of unfamiliar faces

walk the broken, cracking sidewalks to all the odd & end little places

upon the dark grey sludge that layers the sullen, dreary old city streets

still in mind the valleys and forests of evergreen

beneath the aged chalk stained, blackboard styled sky

amid the most royalest blue of seas

reel in your life full of anchors
for we could simply sail miles,
days suspended above the earths varying tides of infinity and eternity

find a paradise no human soul
would care to believe

amongst uncharted territory
we may construct our own society

sipping honey from one anothers souls
lets escape

we have our world to see

I'm old enough to bleed,


                   I'm old enough to breed


       I'm old enough to crack a brick



                 In your teeth while you sleep


Tella me lovely how could I be so lucky
To meet a man like you to love me
I'm your baby
Your crazy lil' girl
I didn't dream, I couldn't think of someone
More perfect in this entire world

No one can stop us
Cause papi we're on fire
And anyone who tries

*Aha fok julle naaiers!!!