That's what I identify as.
No longer as gay or straight.
I identify as nothing.
That's what I am.
Nothing to everyone.
Being nothing must make me something?
Wrong.
Being nothing means when you want to **** yourself you can't tell anyone.
You don't want to look like an attention seeker.
When you want to cut you can let a word out.
Don't let them see.
I am a nobody.
Nobody cares anymore.
Well nobody except maybe melody

******* cutting up my skin.
In only places I can see.
Never ******* meant a thing.
No not to anyone.
I'm just tossed around.
Thrown sky high only to hit the ground.
One two three.
All blody lines on me.
Can I just take one to my neck?
Get it all over with.
Wash the blood from my hands
Dress me nice.
I made the ultimate sacrifice.
I took myself away.
So you can have a worry free life.
You never needed me.
Until that day.
Imma just ******* cut!!!
Bleeding.

The darkness is here
The darkness cares.
But it doesn't.
The darkness lies.
The darkness cries.
But the darkness will  never die.

Could I possibly be in...
No couldn't be...
But maybe...
No it couldn't be...
It is though.
Her touch.
Kisses so sweet.
Her personality... ****.
Baby I want you.
I need you.
She is the air I breath.
Like **** I'm falling for her...
Hard
Hard
Hard

My skin was white.
Night and pale.
White as a ghost.
Yes at times I felt like a ghost.
Wandering aimless.
I am a ghost.
I am dead.
Yet still breathing.
I wander dead.
I am dead.
My skin is white.

Now it is the world.
Yes love, the world standing between us.
But I am here.
The world can be left in the dust.
I will always be here love.
Always.
When words are spit at us,
Those words won't matter.
When people threaten violence just be aware that the violence is never the answer.
We are safe.
We are okay.
The humans can't hurt us if we don't let them.
So no I will not fight.
I will not spur words of hate.
I will stand my ground and keep you close.
When the world knocks us down we have each other.
Now I am not afraid.
Afraid of what the world can do.
Yes I am frightened of the people in the world.
But we are strong.
We are stronger than we know.
I love you.

It's been all for her.
I don't even know how it came to be.
How I even became so close to melody.
Today was different.
Can't decide if it was good or bad.
Today we kissed and I wonder if we should had.
In the bathroom hidden.
Her eyes stared into mine.
What would you do if I kissed you?
She whispered staring.
I smiled gently.
I'd let you Mel.
Then it happened.
Her lips locked with mine.
It was heaven but still I was terrified.
I hadn't kissed anyone for a year.
Anyone but Chae.
What if I ****** up?
What if...
Mel isn't Chae.
I was dazed.
She held me close after and I wrapped my arms around her.
She made everything okay.
I just wanted to stay there with her.
I wanted to kiss her again.
And again.
Instead I walked her back to class.
A different girl had walked in.
I want to be with melody.
I don't know what to do.

There's a panda in my backpack
A panda in my backpack.
Yes there is a panda in my backpack.
A very interesting panda.
Very interesting panda.
There's a panda in my backpack...

Heart pounding
Thought racing
I haven't felt this way since I was with Chae.
This strange human.
Amazing human.
I have no words to describe her.
Everything is flawless about her.
Her flaws I find beautiful.
What the hell is wrong with me.
Could I be thrown into this again?
Could it actually work out?
God I hope so.
Until then we will never know

Me talking to humans is like an ostrich flying.
I talked to Rianna about this yesterday.
she told me I was an odd human.
I told her indeed very strange.
Stranger than most.
Then we talked. Very interesting conversation adopt the female kind and ostriches and flying.
All relating back to humans.
The only human I can talk to in person easily is Emily. I just have trouble approaching  her.
****...
That's really bad.
I can talk to someone but can't go up to them.
I can approach some girls but can't talk to them without stuttering.
Rianna approached me one day and randomly asked what's good?
I just stared blankly.
Felt like an idiot.
I can't talk!!!!!
Talking is not a talent that comes easy to me.
That's okay though.
I can observe.
It's okay.
I'm sure humans love me the way i am.
Even if I'm silence.
That's okay.
I'm okay.
For once in a long time I'm okay.
Don't know if it was the girl yesterday or a rush of mania.
Yes it could be mania.
Mania pushing me high.
This is where I'm dangerous.
I get mean when mania takes over me.
I change when mania holds me close.
Mania makes me social and unafraid because I have it to fear.
The effects it will have on me.
Mania strangles the depression then goes for me.
Mania is not good.

Yea it can be valued.
Yea it can hurt.
It's not always good criticism.
people can pick you apart for every little flaw.
That outfit makes you look like a boy.
Didn't know there were standards for dressing.
Mum I can start dressing exposed and female like.
Start going out in nothing at all.
How's that for female.
Just kidding.
I would never be able to walk out exposed and yeah no.

My body began to sink.
A wave of depression was sweeping me under.
I was low.
Back at the bottom of the ocean.
I had reasons on why I was drifting in and out of waves.
Being pushed by the currents.
Being drug farther down by my mind.
I shouldn't let myself drift like this.
I shouldn't let the waves of past push me down.
Too bad I don't control the ocean.
It controls me.
It decides if I will fly or swim.
Be caught in a storm or burnt by the sun.
That is reality for me.
This is reality.
The pain.
The silver blade breaking my skin.
The achohol drowning out the past.
The sleeping pills making me sick.
Then pain from people.
Friends ignoring me, not you Emily.
People acting like I'm a ghost.
The laughing.
Elementary school really ****** me up.
I think everyone is laughing.
It's killing me slowly.
I can't be in the same room as some people for fear one day I'll just break and beat the **** out of them.
God how I'd love makayla to do something so what happen in middle school can happen again.
Stupid lying jerks.
Afraid to trust.
Afraid to love again.
Unlovable?
That's a good description.
Untouchable.
That describes it...
Dead?
Spot on!

The gun to my head.
The bottle empty.
The cuts deeper than ever before.
The blood streaming.
Flooding my thoughts.
The words piercing me.
Singing to try to save me.
I am not going to be saved.
I can not be saved.
Not when my baby is ripped from me.
Not when my wrists bleed.
Not when I cry at night.
Not when I'm dead inside.
**** I really am broken.
I pretend to be happy.
Pretend to be over it.
Pretend to move on.
Well it still haunts me.
I still hear the voice.
It is ******* killing me!!!!!
I'm dead!!!!
I can't do this anymore....
I drink a little too much.
Cut a little too deep.
Pull the trigger a little too fast.
When you find me I'll be dead.
Sorry.

Scared of being late.
I texted her nonstop.
Is it beginning?
No not yet.
I waited for her but ended up going in alone.
Which is absolutely okay. :)
When I went it I was lost.
A big casino.
Looking for one group of people.
It heavily smelled of cigarette smoke.
Memories of the past flooded.
But they were only pushed down.
When I was told where to go and did find it immediately my eyes found her.
Yes she was here.
I went off to my own date and I guess that was good.  
I danced occasionally looking at her. Which was completly unintentional.
She and her date(I think) were extremely beautiful.
Her in service dress.
I hope you had fun.
I can tell you I definatly did.

Yesterday was absolutely amazing.
Until it actually began.
Step dad was high.
Mom was angry.
The fought.
They screamed.
Everything blurred out.
Yelling
The
Voices
Panic attack.
I

Can't

Breath

Here.

A hand touched my shoulder...
Are you here for the art thing?
What art thing?
You shall see...
Now
I
Would
Like
To
Pause.
When you have no clue what you are doing.
Why you are there.
When you got there.
How you got there.
That is strange.
Now
We
Resume.
This girl touched my shoulder.
We exchanged words.
Then I woke up.

I
Am
Not
You
Nor
Are
You
Me.
I
Will
Not
Ever
Be
Like
You.
In
Everything
I
Do.
You
Expect
Me
To
Be
Like
You.

No I am not
Bullet proof.
Yes if you shoot.
I will die.
I will probably die if you even just looked at me.
I stop breathing every time you speak.
It's quite odd.
I can't stand to be around you.
Only because I want to be around you.
Something is odd about you.
Non judgmental you.
You somehow know what to say.
You know what I've gone through.
You know what it's like.
To slice up your perfect pale skin.
You know what it's like to want to die.
You know what it's like to be unfixable.
That's the state I'm in.
Broken and unfixable.
Like an egg...
Oh gosh here we go again on eggs emily.
Eggs once they splat are unfixable.
Unfixable
Forever.
That's me.
An egg.
I'm
Nothing
But
An
Egg?
True?
Or false?

I can't decide if I will let you save me,
Or if ill drown.

So I guess I'll trust you sister.
Someone I've never trusted before.
I leave you as Emma's mentor I guess you can say.
Emma is little sweet.
I'm leaving town though.
Getting out of this pathetic place.
Don't worry I'll call.
Just be there for Emma.
She needs a womanly role model in her life.
She needs you.
Believe me I'm not gonna be responsible for kidnap so take care of our sister.
Keep her safe.
Don't let her stay out too late.
Bye.

Diner was calm.
The tv off not on.
We sat there like statues.
Pretending everything was fine.
Yes pretending was something you've always been good at dad.

I knew you lost your job.
I knew your car capped out.
Never once did I speak.

You knew I had relationship problems.
You knew I was becoming sicker.
Yet never once did you speak.

You were a homophobe.
You didn't want to believe half of it.
I didn't want to see your life go downhill.
Especially now.

So to ease the tension, I picked up the baby and got in the Prius and drove to my girlfriends house.
Just for you I kissed her like there was no tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
Me too.

The baby cooed.
She smiled gently.
Yes everything was okay.
But at the same time it wasn't.
I guess that's alright.
At least I have her and I'm still alive.
The tiny life will keep her company when I'm gone.
The tiny life will need her when I'm gone.
I can't be sad.
Looking back on the life I had.
A happy, for the most part, family.
Beautiful baby girl.
Beautiful significant other.
Beautiful childhood.
Surrounded by beauty.
Yeah life was good.

You are gone.
I was so little.
You left me on the streets.
You taught me to never trust humans.
I am a stray dog.
Wandering aimlessly.
My mom abandoned me as a puppy.
Thought pitbulls were ugly.
To everyone who ever abandoned their dog...
A big old duck you!

Stop your screaming child.
The angel said I have to.
Do you want to go to the promised land?
If you want to enter his kingdom you must be cleansed of sin.
Stop moving.
It will only hurt a second.
You are a sin!
The angel said I must cleanse you!

Outside my window the night bangs.
Bangs against my walls.
Screams to let it in.
Come open your window.
Let the voices in to play.
After all we are just the screams of the rain.
The aim banged even more.
It wanted in and was becoming angry.
Let me in before I flood your house.
The rain in powerful and if you don't give it what it wants when it wants it will find a way to get it.
The rain is getting angrier.
It begins to shout in loud busts of thunder.
Let me in!
The thunder bashes against the house.
The rain gets what it wants.
Let me in!
The whole night it screamed.
Little sleep for myself.
The rain was happy about this.
I told you you'd pay if you didn't let me in.
The rain has been screaming for weeks.
More than likely will continue screaming.
Let me in!

Rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself.
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath.
But never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind.
Until the night,
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger.

So you wonder what it is like?
What it's like to rely on drugs to get by?
No it is not the greatness you were promised.
No you are not cured with a bit if lithium.
No not even the Prozac helps.
It just pushes you deep into the ocean.

You wonder what it is like?
What it is like to drown in the ocean.
I will tell you now it is not fun either.
The grey waves push you down to the depths and the light disappears.
That's when you are introduced to the silver.
That is when the silver begins to nip at your pale freckled wrists.
The ocean is not an easy swim.
No sun tanning here.

You wonder what it is like?
What it is like to be thrown into the sky?
Yeah it's fun at first.
But eventually what goes up must come down to earth.
I crash hard from my natural high.
And you thought it was fun.

Just a word of advice.
Never try to experience first hand what it is like.
By doing that you pretty much sacrifice your life.
Hand over your light.
Exchange it for a contract with the blade.
Get ready to meet the doctors.
Get ready for the long white halls to become home.
Get ready to take nasty tasting pills.
Because that will be your life.
Never wish to e mentally ill.
Those who are would trade anything to be sane again.
At least I would.

The days are dark.
The fog lingers here as you drift into unconsciousness.
You are safe now my love.
You are safe.
The words that leave are repeated in your mind.
I am safe now.
I am safe.
The darkness stands no chance against me.
For I am alive.
You are safe sweetheart.
Let me guide you though the night.
Let me lead you to the light.
Now until in gets bright.
Her I shall stay holding you tight.
Listen to the rain.
Hear the pittering sound fill your brain.
Every beat threatening sleep.
Somehow yet a bit soothing.
Goodnight love.

The polar bear died.
I cried.

I watch her in the corner of my eyes
Often looks can lie
She is beautiful in so many ways
I could get high off her looks for days
She has blondish hair
Looks around the room without a care
I know people stare
They watch me to
There disgusted by what they think I do
They are not right
No conclusions should be drawn from sight
She has short hair
A look of dare
A face that says everything
Her voice is beautiful and rings
She stays there like a stone
Beautiful and alone
I yearn to speak to her
But I don't have the nerve
It's not a good time, nor place
But yet again I look at her face
I would never know what she was like
Again I am just a ****
A crushing hard ******
Nobody ever knows
They are all fantasy
Never reality
I've always made things bad
Made my girl sad
I am done trying
Never knowing what these girls keep seeing
I'm a moody *****
Half the time I want to go die in a ditch
I take pills every night
Drink until I see the morning light
What do they see
All I see is worthless me
Never meant much
My ex said don't talk such
She said I cause the pain
I say I'm just on the verge of going insane
And anyways half the girls I have liked have been straight
In the end I found it to be great
At that I roll my eyes
Every time a bit of me dies
An I love you
Then a babe do you know what I do
The sad truth
It still kills me
And makes me be
The ***** who's moody
Who nobody really sees
I cry at night
Am growing less acquainted with the light.
I am going back to dangerous ways
Cutting my wrists with a blade
Today it bleed all morning
That was fun to hide.
I went in the bathroom to wash it
Watched a girl stare horrified and just shrugged.
Nothing left to loose.
I don't really have anyone except maybe Em and a few others.
Gosh if she knew how much she helps.
I feel like I don't show her enough.
Enough emotion and change.
I know I hurt her.
If she ever reads this I want her to know that no I am not okay.
Yes I look up to you everyday.
You made me out down the knife.
You saved my life.
Multiple times you've showed me light.
You've talked me out of suicide late at night.
That means so much you don't have a clue,
Emily just how much I love you.

Black hair
Always there
Brown eyes
Glow at night
Sweet skin
Drawing me in
Long gone
Nothing but a forgotten song
I left you
It was stupid to do
Ill never get you back
I'm always under attack
You are still my only love
My pure white dove
I cry every night
Hold myself tight
Remember you there with me
Giving the life I couldn't see
I will never forget
You made me feel lit
A feeling I never had
Now I'm so very sad
But love don't feel bad
It had to happen
My life beauty always ends

Brightness illuminates the path.
Darkness reaches out as you jump.
Feel your feet hit the light.
Darkness can't touch you here.
The light provides shelter.
Now picture the light.
Can you feel it beneath your feet.
Can you feel it wrap it's rays around you?
Is it hot or is it calming?
What shape does it take.
Now remember what this light looks like.
You walk farther away from the darkness.
Turning around you say Goodbye Darknesss
Say it aloud, "goodbye darkness"
You are alive and healthy.
General but strong.
Here the Darknesss Cannot touch you.
The light pushes it away.
Whenever depression comes at you picture your light.

Here is the link to the page! Please go check it out asap! Thanks.

https://m.facebook.com/Our-Light-1011466452267886/?ref=bookmarks

Hey guys I wanted to appoligize for not writing as much as I used to. I've been going through a lot recently. Now I am overcoming the recent patch of life and stepping into the light. I am going to be starting a page on the social media site Facebook specifically for this page of poems because I really want to hear from you guys. My poems are about problems many people go through and often directed toward LGBT adults and youth. I would love if you all went and like the page. Hopefully the page can be fun and a bit of a support group. In an upcoming post I will give the link to the page all are welcome. Even if u are not following this page. Just if you have problems and would like a place to speak out and feel okay please come and check it out. Thanks guys. Thank you for all the support and I hope you are all okay and just know you can hit me up if you ever need someone to listen.

Running down the halls.
The dull white walls of those crazy halls.
Yes I was mid mania.
Screaming!
I should have been ashamed.
Then again it wasn't me who took the blame.
I needed to let loose.
I needed to Scream!!!
So I ran down the halls.
The white dull halls of Willow trees.
Yes I was there for five or so months.
Way more than the expected 90 days.
I was running.
The staff told me to calm down.
But I can't and I'm not hurting anyone.
I rannnnnn!!!!
Screaming!!!!
The hall Tecs stared.
I laugh.
Then later I leave my mania behind.
I lay in front of the blue doors and wait for the boys to come back from dinner.
Travis would be with them.
He was like a brother.
I lied by the blue doors.
Depression swept over me.
It was the mania dropping me down.
Meds were late.
I went and found Sammy.
She was my crush.
She had a beautiful voice and was like family.
We all were family

The sun is grey
Yet it lights up the day
Not all who see understand
The sight they view
I personally barely see past the grey
Yes there is blue in the world
Yes indeed there are lots of colors
Some people are color blind.
I only see color sometime
I am constantly battling the mania
Which can be described as all the colors attacking at once
And battling depression
Which is blankness attacking and the voices telling you to JUMP!
Whispering JUMP!!!!
Do it! You won't...
There sweet voices pleading.
Jump you beautiful girl.
People will love you on the other side.
You will be appreciated in the other world.
In the next world.
You belong there.
Just jump! Follow the light sweet girl.
Don't call me that!
Only one person I know can call me that and you are not her.
She is the reason I stay in this world.
It's not my time yet.
One day it will be, but not yet.
There's feeling behind the music I listen to.
"When my time comes around lay me gently in the cold hard ground." Not a day too soon.
I want to spend everyday on earth with the people who don't make me worthless.
Yes I understand I am sick in a few ways but I am getting better. Mentally I am being cured by having friends. My little nerdy sweet friend. ❤️ Love you!
And even though I will never not be allergic to majority of the things I eat and the allergies are getting worse and more are popping up its okay because I am happy now and know I have people who would care if I died. So I silence the thought and go right up to the people who care. They love me and I love them.

I fall in love just a little or little bit everyday with someone new...
-hozier

Running
From
Her.
Running
And
Never
Looking
Back.
Running
For
Her
Hold.
Running
From
The
Possibility
Of
Love.
Running
From
Any
Chances
Of
Being
Considered
Sane.
That's
Okay
Though.
I
Don't
Get
Tired
Easily.

Here I stand.
My mind is under command.
The men in white took me and locked me in a room.
One that's only for the crazies who face certain doom.
Stay here.
Don't have any fear.
We shall force meds down your throat.
Shove a needle into your vain.
Not allowed to talk to the opposite gender.
If you behaved sometimes you'd get to help the little kids.
Sweet little things.
Some in for homiside, attempted suicide, or worse.
I was in for a sum of the three plus some property destruction.
Guess mutilating yourself when your angry doesn't help.
Can't go back to old ways.
She helps me stay fighting everyday.

Fat, skinny, anorexic, depressed
Emo, fake, two-faced
*******, brainiac, crazy,
Tall, short, giraff, mouse
Gay, straight, ****, ***
Bipolar, white, black
Christian, Jew,
Anger creates labels
Insecurity creates labels.
Labels
Destroy us.

I didn't mean to snap
I'm sorry
I made u upset
I hurt you
I made a promise
But then the silver screamed
It was only a little one
How bad could it be
I know it was the last
I try
I sorry