The most painful type of pain,
Is the pain, we never knew would come,
Betray'd by our senses.
The most painful type of pain,
Turns us into trustless husks,
of Who we used to be.

<Insert Poem Here>

<Insert Silent Sympathies Here>

<Insert Spiraling Tenancies Here>
   (Wait...No. Not that.)
<Delete Line>

<Insert Self Doubt Here>

<Insert Friends Here>
   [File Not Found]
::Comment:: What about me?

<Insert Apology Here>

<Insert Regret Here>

<Insert Pain Here>

<Insert Poem Here>


<RvL>

I might seem strong to you,
Truth is,
I'm just too broken to ask for the help I silently need.
How am I still here?
I'm too selfish to remove myself from the equation.
Why are you still here?
Because I lie to myself and tell myself that you are.
Because I'm terrified of losing everything I'll never receive.
Because I live under the assumption that I'm worthless because all past evidence points to it.
Because I'm broken.
And If I ask for help,
I'll probably break you too.
And break myself even further.
Because I'm afraid of everything.
Because I'm not,
Who we think I am.

Begin,
   We see in this moment,

Broken,
   Spoken our ductaped fixes,

The trajectory of the bricks is straight for my heart.

Break apart the arts I've invented in my mind,

Of which you're the inspiration.

Perspiration running down my face,
   As I realize my place in the world.

No space for a broken mind and shrunken heart.

Pull apart the synapses that hold me together,

It's as if,
   Things almost got better...

We all coast to the end of our tracks,
   Via the cracks in our walls.

Who falls through?
   We never know.

It just goes to show,

The most we've ever known,
  is never sleep alone.

~Robert van Lingen

Tomorrow,
   To Borrow Time,
   To sign the lines that resign our lives away,

This is our time.
   Salute,
   And Stand Attention.

For We Are,
   The Next In Line.

~Robert van Lingen

A year ago today,
My heart walked away.

   Left me bare,
Left me rare,

And still I am astray.

   I found the ground beneath my feet,
If only because I fell...

Today,
I wonder,
At the skies and at the thunders,

Which way,
Am I meant to be?

I tried to breathe,
   Nevermore I'd drown'd in the taste of water in my lungs,
Swept away.


I take a step,
   To only be shown the shoes of stone I've worn beneath me ever since,

   Perhaps even longer,
than a year ago today.

A year ago today,
   my heart walked away,
My eyes turned black,
   and I begged my mind to stay.

Though,
   Through all the tears and hopeful prayers,
They haven't yet come back.

Not for lack of trying,

So in high hopes,
   When once again I say,
"A year ago today,"
  My pains will have gone away,
And I will have found,
   That which keeps my demons at bay.

Music in one ear,
Chatter in the other.

An endless stream of thoughts in the other,
A restless mind in the other.

Smother'd by the descending fogs of doubt,
Another moment,
Another fake smile.

I will laugh with you,
as I hide inside.

Otherwise,
under covers,
Today is,
Just like any other.

~Robert van Lingen

Mindpeace,
   My mind plays tricks,
Like the days,
   Coming.

I remembered that I forgot,
   And I smiled inside..
The thought of not thinking of you
   gives me a peace I haven't known in far too long.

For here,
   Is my first day since,
That I forgot about you.

Too many days,
   My haunted months threaten their return.

A cold winter,
   my old friend...

maybe now that I,
   forgot to remember you,

My winter won't be so cold..

Lights out,
Sleep child,
sleep.

You're only dreaming.

     There are no monsters under the bed.

~

They are in my head.
Unimaginary,
wreaking havoc.

Pillage my heart

~

Sleep away your pains,
  or never wake up.

You've been asleep all along.

am so,
alone.

i need a friend.
i want to talk to my friend

no.

Why?

you'll be a burden, she's busy.
she's got more important things to do.

then..who do i talk to?

me.

but, you're me.

I,
am so,
alone.

Chicken Scratch,
chicken scratch,

   Scribbles, smashed against the page.

You are my Poem.

~Robert van Lingen

Hold tight to hope's embrace,
   wait...

I've heard this line before.

   This corridor I've walked along before,
I walk along once more.

Breathlessly tracing my fingertips along the walls as I stroll through the halls,
  
   Feel the infinitesimal imperfections,
akin to the ones in my mind.

Mind the gap.

Ahead here,
   is a dead end.

the point I cannot see past.

what,
What is behind my wall?

~Robert van Lingen

Fingertip upon the glass,
   Astounded,
Breathless.
   Cracking the most painful smile..

Lift my head to gaze upon...
   the fallen.

Fly back,
   eyes dart around the room,

Unravel the sheets,
   Unravel my body,
   Stare up,
   Gaze. weep.
fall through the floor.

hanging by my hands.
   fire everywhere,
Cries in every direction.

A tug at my feet,
   A cold, blood-torn face says to me,
   "Go back."

All goes black.

Anger floods my veins,
I scream...
Blood pours from my fist

at the bar,
   watch her dance,
She doesn't see me,
   because I'm not there...

her smile is the most painful knife in my side,
Because it's not mine.

A sharp pain across my face
   Get it together man,

Black again, for just a moment...
   eyes, slowly open.
laying in my bed.

It's 8pm.
   guess I'll just sleep...

again,
to float through the silence.


~Robert van Lingen

Traversing my minefields,
   Is an impossible task,
Find another way around,
   So that you don't get hurt,
Because that would be sad.
  
I don't want to make you sad.

The seance,
Between my heart and mind,
Serves to intertwine,
My thoughts I might find,
Buried in my heart,
The kinds that tear me from my feet,
Up till the moments I've died.

Every unwaking second,
Is a moment I find,
That my heart and mind,
Can be...

Alone.

~Robert van Lingen

My words,
   Aren't necessarily,
An accurate idea,
   Of who,
I really am.
   They are more,
Expressions of what,
   I don't want to be.


~Robert van Lingen

Sounds, spoken of my mind,
   Impulsive,
Yet, still overthought.

I never know what to say,
   But always know just how to say it.

I'm quite skilled,
   In the art of scaring you away,
With the words I didn't know how to say.

Stuck in this space of mind,
   That hides me from the correct answer,
Forced to find the long way around.

For the sake to not make a fool of myself,
   I just have to remember...

I Have the Write to Remain Silent

~Robert van Lingen

The Blindness monotony,
Hurl your jokes my way.

Your play ball strikes as stone,
Not very much unlike that which is buried deep inside my heart,
And never shown.

Harmless, is in the eyes of the beholder, my friend.

Your jokes,
   Are my demons.
Your entertainment,
   Is my downfall.

So all I ask,
   Is that you walk a mile in my mind,
Then maybe you'll see,

Harmless jokes hurt sometimes,
  But don't mind me.

~Robert van Lingen

Look at me.
Stare,
Into my bloodshot eyes.

Death,
You follow my every step,
I don't even care.

Claw my skin and take everything from me,
I stare through fate with a straight face.

Go ahead. Do your worst. I'll never be afraid.

I live within the walls of pain every day, and maybe that's why I'm still here.

I'm not afraid to die.
I'm not afraid to cry.

But...
Don't, you, DARE
Think I welcome the fateful pair.

I spent my years with fear,
Throughout my days in pain, with death knocking at my door.
Then I lost so much more.

I cast fear aside,
Petrified what may come otherwise.

I'm neighbors with death.
I live with pain.
And I don't care.

The only thing I hate is,
I'm in love with loneliness.

~Robert van Lingen

Remembrance into our respective pasts,
Gloss over our eyes whilst our perspective drifts apart.

I hold my hand o'er the candle to remember the flame.
I toss myself from the roof to feel the flight again.

The rainsoaked flame wanders through my bones,
My home,
My dampened heart keeps burning.

~Robert van Lingen

Eenie,
Meenie,
Miney,
Mo,

Catch a poet by his toes,
If he suffers,
Let him go,

Eenie,
Meany,
Miney,

Oh...

Typing...

Winding fingers,
Weave the thread,
That wrap me so comfortably in my fears,
Embracing.

Mould my mind,
Shamelessly encrypting my thoughts, Through and through.

Grown to shapen my impersonality,
Both for my lack there of,
And my tenancy for the impersonal.

Yet how,
Should be such a bond to my pains,
An Introspective perfection,
Or am I?

Or is that just my guise,
Impersonality guide my imperfection,
Interspective shapes my imperception.

Impossibilities in my inevitabilities.

I am.
Imperfection.

Peace,
Solace is my addiction.

My continuous affliction with change foreshortens my perception of peace.

Give me a taste and I shall not waste a drop,
Send it through my veins to take hold,
And seethe.

Peace,
Solace is my addiction,

How I've turned such a beautiful word,
To poison,
And torture...

My beautiful affection to the untouchable, unreachable,
The next best thing?

I like to think,
To be loved,
To love,
To hold,
To shoulder your burdens and see a smile that just so happens to be my fault.

A ruthless addiction,
Such is Love.

~Robert van Lingen

I fornicate with the future,
And I lay with its lies.
I stand by and try to understand,

I demand the utmost respect of myself,
As I find myself the sole recipient.

Yet sometimes I stare at my treacherous glass that show'd me the image of someone who isn't quite like myself.

I berserk blindly into the unknown.
I know not little of what lays behind,
Though in retrospect of my mind,
I do indeed know what makes me blind.

What blinds my eyes,
Is what I cannot see in a mirror.

It is my heart.
It is my mind.

Hello?
Oh...I'm sorry, nevermind..

I'll move on,
But I'll never not miss the moments,
The look in your eyes.

I'll move on,
And I'll forget to forget the memories we share,
Of how you cleared my melancholy skies.

I'll move on,
I'll regret to regret the wrongs I've done,
And I'll shake them loose as now I've learned.

I'm moving to moving on,
On and on my eyes float by the skies we stood underneath as we smiled and we forgot,
We forgot how to hurt.

I'm moving on.
But,
I'll never not love what we once were,
And what we used to want to be.

~Robert van Lingen

This war I wage.
A new chapter.

I fought my battles,
I bled my blood.
I followed my orders and by God I marched,

Little did I know,
In this war I wage...
I fight on both sides...

Hearts beat so softly when struck a blow from love,

Skipping their unbreakable beating,
Pumping away the times that fall behind us.

Our Softest hearts are,
Our Strongest ones.

The hearts that aren't afraid to cry,
Are the hearts,
That will never die.




~Robert van Lingen

That moment,
That dread-filled instant you feel everything slip away.

Hope, Lost.
Strength, Gone

Suddenly you feel useless and hated by everyone, inexplicably.

Just in that moment, Everything changes.

This,
Is Depression.

That moment,
We feel the earth shatter beneath us and we fall and all we feel is,
"Please, not now. Not again."

Our eyes flush with black and we let go,
And we fall, again.

In that moment,
We leave ourselves behind,
We wave goodbye to our minds,
That we hope to see again, soon.

This,
Is Depression...

Not a moment later our arms and legs turn to stone,
Our hearts fill with lead.

An intangible yet truly powerful pain consumes us as we fall,
again.

And we cry,
Inside or out,
Sometimes both.

This,
Is not who we are.

This is our disease.
This is not Us.

We are the strongest people on this planet.
Because, we battle a war that only we can feel,
And yeah, some of us don't make it.

This is our disease.
But...

My friends,
It is not terminal,
This is not who we are.

Let's stand up and make one more day, just in case,
We'll find love in the smallest things,
In just the simplest gesture,
A thank you,
Or a hug,
Will make our day.

To those who don't give up on us when we give up on ourselves,
Thank you.

This, ❤
Is Us.

~Robert van Lingen

The days that splay out my heart,
Like knives,
Cut apart.

In the grips,
Of a stronger wave,
In my abstract heart.

I stretch for the quay,
The sweet release,
Yet I watch myself depart.

Suffocate,
Choking on love,
Pick me piece from peace,

And smother me.

~Robert van Lingen

Fast and slow our life flows,
A way for you and I,

Show me your phantasmal eyes,
And I will read your epic trye,

Lest you stare into mine,
And be lost for all of time.

Love is our cottonwood.

Further I give chase,
Further it strays.

If only it may fall upon my palms,
May I fleetingly hold and sway,

Until Wind takes us,
Far, Far away.

~Robert van Lingen

Hello there,
I see you,
And,
I'm broken too...

I have just one question for you,
Do you think,
Two broken hearts,
Make one, too?

~Robert van Lingen

Stare into me.
Flare up and fly to me.
My ghostly gaze falls into your eyes,
Let these phantom fingers caress your curves,

Our ethereal tangle,
As we pass through reality
Into the hills and valleys on our bodies,

Close your eyes,
And see me with your skin.

Intoxicate me with your sinful quivers,
As I ride on the highways of your sighs.

Come closer,
And I'll show you a differently perfect side of our world.



~Robert van Lingen

Hope,
Faith.

The eternal dance of blindness and determination.
We seek that which we do not know,
We ignore that which we hope we don't.

Step helplessly into the dark.
Step Endlessly into the stars.

Here we are.
There we will be.
We are who we are.
And who we will become.

~Robert van Lingen

Love is a Summer's Rain
Step through my lonely storm
Here I am once again


~Robert van Lingen

Love.

What do you think when you hear that word?
Depends on who says it, right?

Love is the pit we fall in,
Now that might sound bad,
But think about it,
It keeps us protected from the world outside,
Stuck with whoever fell in with us.
There's just one problem...
Sometimes,
The person we fall in with, doesn't let go of the rope.

Love...
So easy to fall in,
But when you're left alone in love,
This tunnel of beauty, passion, ecstasy, and peace...
Becomes your own personal hell.
Built by you,
For you.

Love.
How easily we fall in.
Please,
Someone tell me how to fall out again..

~Robert van Lingen

The dreams,
The ghost of you haunts me every waking night.

Get out of my head,
And let me free.

As I sleep, the fantasy is a paradise,
As I wake, becometh a nightmare, once and overmore.

The memory of it all tears my strung-up heart apart,
Get out of my head....
                    or come back to my eyes.

~Robert van Lingen

The single thing I've been chasing for as long as I can remember.
Perched Gracefully upon my fingertips,
Only to fly away.

Leaving me on to watch enviously at its untouchable beauty, not knowing If I'll ever see it again.

One can only Hope.
Peace.

~Robert van Lingen

Here I sit,
In my most simplistic extravagance,

Upon summer's yond,
My eyes lay atop the sunset with desperate ease.
I am in Love.
With the Feeling.

I sway within the songs of peace,
Sing to me forevermore,
Lest I sink into your,
Your nightshade song.

~Robert van Lingen
Beautiful, yet curiously dangerous

In better days,
I've seen stronger sways,
Back and forth,
To and yonder.

Storms form upon calm seas,
Rain falls upon dry earth,

Peace is fleeting as the eye of the storm,
And just as hard to find.

To Yet,
I write this page,
This,
Is the eye of my storm.

~Robert van Lingen

Why are you running?
Pull down the sun,
Look in a mirror and see that it is you.

Why try to escape?
Wave away the clouds and fear no fear,

Why let your tears fly?
Dry them and step into the stars and you will see,
You are there.

Why chase the light?
When you are shining already.

You Are the Light.

~Robert van Lingen

You always said,
Actions speak louder than words,
But words do mean something.

Words are the language of my heart,
Words can build me up,
Or tear me apart.
Yours in particular.

Actions speak louder than words,
But without words,
There would be no speaking at all.

~Robert van Lingen
Words do, mean something.

As I look up,
I remember how the whole sky was alight,
For but a moment.
Dead silence.
The sun staring down in a beauty you could never Imagine.
~Robert van Lingen

My indomitable core,
Shaken to the Core.

I walk my past and it's sadly familiar.

I step the steps I've stept before and begin to shed a tear,
I look ahead and smell the grass I've smelt before,
Memories return with every step.

And I walked there and wept,
Quietly to myself.

As I walk the path I've walked before,
I wet the ground I've never wet before.

~Robert van Lingen

Ten thoughts to ten more,
One leads to another,

Ten thoughts to a hundred more,
I wage this anxious war,

One falls for a thousand to rise,
Hundreds break rank and spawn ten thousand more,

Ten thoughts to ten more.

~Robert van Lingen

I guess it's true,
People change when they walk away,
I pray you prove me wrong.

~Robert van Lingen

So,
This is the way we leave today?
I hoped and prayed and called God to say,
It's okay.

So,
Today,
I walked past your father and he didn't even look me in the eyes.
I don't want to be friends.
I just want to make amends and leave the past behind,
But this?
Why?
Is this the legacy I left behind?

I've done nothing but show respect.
Now,
I don't regret but I have to admit,
I didn't expect this.

I've got to say I'm sad and disappointed,
That His words anointed go unspoken.
One could say it's true,

"Do unto others as you wish others to do unto you."

I'd almost say it's religious,
I don't think it's ridiculous to ask,
Take off your masks.

It's a new day.
We don't have to act this way.

~Robert van Lingen

A somber setting of a light gone by,
As I wipe away the tears that I've cried.

A past.
A lesson,
That won't be forgotten,

I've gotten these feelings before,
But never quite like this,

I insist,
That you leave.

And let me breathe,
For a moment.

All at once, the step that I sat upon shattered and scattered my heart,
Pick up the pieces, this is only the start.

Welcome to my mind,
Where passion is fleeting, while I walk through the halls of my losses and I learn.

Stand up.
You've gotten this far,
Press forward.
Keep writing.

This is my art.

~Robert van Lingen