To read my old conversations...
That are long now passed,
It is both more, and less jarring than I expected it to be.
I am taken aback,
Not because I am taken back,
But only due to the sharp and nigh painful retrospect of our mistakes.
How differently I wish I did anything,
Not because I wish I still had you,
But, because I am disappointed in myself for not living up to my own values...
Blinded by the blind, blind love I was in.
Retrospect and nostalgia may be similar,
They're either edge of the same sword.
And both edges can make you bleed
4 times the earth orbited the sun yet only once did you stop to see your shadow.
87,600 times it allowed you to second guess but you didn’t face it, just watched me sink right in.
Sinking sands of committed hands brought pressure but no diamonds. No light to revolve around.
Now I’m ticked off thinking this was a waste of my time. Not much of a leap, yeah?
I got dumped. This poem was the night of.
When writing, I like to inject hope which usually reduces the raw pain.
Maybe this wasn’t an accurate reflection of my time then, but it’s how I react to things.
The last stanza is all that I’m unhappy with.
in their languid fall
of the failures
of what was listened to.
The zealous perk
to which I
might have benefited
withered away as
to tug at a tear
before it can be
untold, waiting yet
to be heard
by a wandering ear.
the universe cannot sing to me if I cannot listen.
I mourn for all the thoughts I let myself have and then forgot to write down. My own deafness drowns my drive.
I drowned you
like I drowned myself
in all the ***** I could find -
I feel sick when I remember how
I beat you down, thinking
thoughts I'd never thought I'd think
spitting blood into the sink,
it's all different now.
your "hi my name is" slapped on my shirt
peel it off but the residue remains
like your omnipotence
felt penetrating everything around me.
I wish I could quit you
like I quit smoking
I wish I could forget you
like you forgot me
I wish I could alter the ending
so it doesn't include the times I didn't say "no"
and all the nights you lost your sanity
on the mattress on your floor
or on a back porch filled with the haze
of cigarettes and empty conversation.
You tried to imagine me at my sweetest;
daisy hair dancing in the sunlight
on some endless day in July
eyes bright and exploding
with surf green laughter
All of this in slow motion,
All of this beautiful and feeling real
All of this while I'm pushing my palms against my eyes,
romanticizing your pain
tearing up inside because
I can't take anything back,
carrying this weight that I can't put down,
fighting off what is welling up inside me:
For what it's worth,
and I can't keep writing about this feeling
We looked at the stars
and the moon to navigate
within the time and spaces of our confines
I see the lunar ricepaddies give their soft glow
and well-lit veins tremble under thin tranquil clouds
Once, I had no home
Tossed in the waves of uncertainty and disbelief,
I looked to the stars and further
for patterns of usefulness
The bright lights were glaring
while the empty seas inside turned dark
I found no reflection.
A minute passes.
I’m miles ahead of where I used to be
Remembrance into our respective pasts,
Gloss over our eyes whilst our perspective drifts apart.
I hold my hand o'er the candle to remember the flame.
I toss myself from the roof to feel the flight again.
The rainsoaked flame wanders through my bones,
My dampened heart keeps burning.
~Robert van Lingen
This is a new page.
Empty;Deep Love and woes fill;
The former is me?
Fresh start same games but different play that is the sentiment don't want to say anymore
I was sat so still
A bird landed on my foot
Whose fright was bigger?
when you finally remember
what it is
you were trying to
you'd forgotten that you
didn't want to remember
it in the first place!
you push it out
of your mind
until it's stuck right
in front of your face
for the rest of your time
here on this earth.
You didn't want to waste,
until you realized
and now you just want
to end it fast, in the hopes
of a next life of realization
or is it just memorization
of the rules to live by
old thing I wrote in 2015 i just found a picture of. i lost most of my old writing in my first move and this makes me sad ****