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My forgetfulness is a more successful entity than even I do at times.
My trust in regretfulness often gets the better of me.

But yea,
I hunker down,
surrounded by unforgetfulness of the lack of silence.
Jul 31 · 182
I defy
I,
Defy the paradigm,
The escapist void,
Lines of code I refuse to obey.

I defy,
Defy,
All emotionalogic.
I make no sense,
Or a dollar that pays my way to ignorant bliss.

'Tis the streets upon which I so selfishly make my way and,
My gears turn with no source or destination.

I am the,
Status quo of the chronically out of place.
So,
Take that next step,
Show me.
Jul 19 · 42
Stonewall
With every stone you throw,
and my blood as mortar,

I will build my tower to the heavens.
Jul 11 · 138
Defy
Transcribe my sine wave,
     Rays like the sun.

Describe the unending normalcy.
   waves crashing: one too many.

Laser-focused against the (g)rain.
        Tsunami enraged.


Defiance is my resonant frequency,
      sorry to disappoint.

I am the way.
Jul 2 · 261
Explore
Explore my labyrinthian corridors,
From the walls to the hallways, to the unkempt floors.

'Tis in my mind I finally realize,
I have not the time to explore each and every door,

Precious, singular thoughts,
Expectedly drowning,
but in due course,
We are lost at sea in an ocean devoid,

emptied by the mindless wars.
Jun 12 · 114
drunk
When I get drunk,
I become one of you,
I become but a human.
I become one of you,
Just a normal one to be.

Say long to the anxiety,
I become one of you...
Normal...
Normalcy soon feels like a disease far away from what normal really seems.
I'm not really me.

Be one of me, Heathens.
Then you might see me be the creten that seems so far out of the current scene.

So, ha,
When you drink,
Who are you?
Because when I do,
I may not be me,
But I sure am the best version of whom I see,

I both hate the feeling,
And love who I see,
I am this distorted scream in the mirror to which I owe my very being.
To whom do I address this to? Certainly not you.
Just the future me,
The sobre boy who cannot really be,
A sane human being.
Returned to worsened thoughts,
Caught in the spiderwebs of restlessness.
Inchworm caught in the trap.
Presuming its imminent demise.

Toothless dogs of emotional wars fought on the daily,
Screaming in my broken ears,
about how little this all means.

Heat-soaked heart drowning in my anxiety's waste products,
just looking for some direction,
someone to mention my name,
in just a positive way.
perhaps I'm deaf,
so please speak up.

I can't even hear,
my own cries of fear,
so please speak up.
I want to see,
that is what I mean,
is more than nothing.
Please?
May 18 · 103
The Few
Savor the taste of medicine only to be drunk by the few.
Incented by the scent of a peace that few will know, and fewer hold.

Bittersweet blossoms fold to the earth in showery haze,
He cries of days long gone. Relishing the birth of memory's daze.
Praying for the pill to find the end of his endless sound.

Astounded, he lays:
Two way mirror perception, but with no reflection.
Expectations drive the nail deeper into false perfection's mentions of a better way.

Deeper, so the bittersweet blossoms may bloom,
And pretend to be the medicine to be drunk by the few.
The few we hold will hold the peace we don't
Apr 26 · 100
it worked
I do suppose,
That little pill,
Has done its deal,
in sealing me away,

or at least,
the part of me I wish I'd never see.

The lack of write,
represents my lack of fight,

bittersweet.

i love nothing more but to speak,
these little lines.
these broken skies, however,
never suited me well.
This isn't goodbye,
just,
see you later,

when there's something,
something to fight.
For those scared of taking the first step towards treatment, don't be afraid. you never know how amazing the change can be.
Feb 20 · 113
Cold Stone Hearth
Silent fireplace,
    cold stone hearth alludes to its purpose,
sitting eerily still.
       Teasing its fleeting warmth.

     The silent rumble of nothingness penetrates the peaceful silence,
Silence to itself,
   With this little lamp to my side,
providing just the right kind of light,
        to see me through this write.

Shutting my mind's eyes and breathing the endless ink blots of my thoughts.
     Thoughtless sighs squeeze,
  past my anxieties,
    and carry to me,
a tantalizing hors d'oeuvre of peace.

~Robert van Lingen
Feb 15 · 150
I am Fragile
I am fragile:

Tissue-Paper skin,
Silken heartstrings.
Yet I still can breathe.
This tenuous breeze.

Glass bones,
in my glass home.
One stone,
is all it takes to breach,
My glass throne.

I am Fragile:
Please, shout at me,
while I can barely see,
what "me," really means.

Please, tell me I'm wrong,
So I can guess why,
I'm going to cry,
A broken song.

I am the fragile song who beats in amorphous tune,
to no one else's beat.
Who's piano strings are plucked by someone else's keys.
And who's instructions are in the other room.
Locked with someone else's key.

I am Fragile:
Easily broken or damaged.
Flimsy or Insubstantial.
Delicate and vulnerable.

I am the frail,
Who lives on the sheer strength of will.
Feb 1 · 96
'spect
Retrospect.
The dangerous game,
I play for pinks,
With sanity in the stakes.

Royal Flush,
My house is full of jokers.

Brokered a deal with the thoughts who spoke whisper'd cutthroat scenes.

Intraspect:
Everyone is perfect.
Except for me.
Jan 23 · 200
Cement Flower
Flower breach the cement,
Arrest my lament,
My beautiful heart, rescend into dark intense.
Dec 2019 · 152
don't forget your medicine
My heart is the home of squandered potential,
Depression sets in,
Cement the state and fall away into my usual state of mind.

The mirror I trod upon is the unfalling foe,
Introspection's regressions feed the deathless ranks of anxieties,
With but nothing left to say,
Nary a hopeless smile althewhile.

Pop another pill to drown tomorrow's sorrows,
With today's having a long way yet to go.
Nov 2019 · 157
Stop-Gap
Stopgap.
emotional stocks wrapped with paper wings,
which burst'd into inferno at the first broken sight of spring.

Baseless transition into faceless thoughts,
Caught in webs of speechless dreams,
laced with poison's tasteless lessons taught.

Stop that.
Think back,
at the wasted scenes graced with cold embrace.
Winter's faces breathe,

Lies stand by your faithless eyes.
instead.
dream,
of flame-less skies.

Stop the gap in nature's lap,
and sit upon her shoulders.
See the skies that breathe your sighs of reprieve,
nigh your dreams seized with whisper'd echos breeze.
Set them free...

p.s.,
you may already be.
but beware.
hopeless eyes are doomed to live with lies, disguised by strife's hypnosis,
ensnared by defeatist blight.
Nov 2019 · 183
welcome
Witness the slivers of light that whisper through a darkened mind.

Effortless hypocrisy feeds broken philosophies.

Hold your mind close.
For you may just slip away,
Into this place,
And meet me.

H...hello
Oct 2019 · 136
Thought Process
Confusion's forsaken my thoughts to the long-lost brothers of insecurity.
Forcibly taken and tossed aside to hide within the lies of insincerity.

Kindred servant's lullabies:
Forgotten songs of yesterday,
Soothe me into waking nightmare.

Lead-shoed memories float upon seas made of stone,
Buried shallower than a grass-fed grave.

Anxious tensor userp my synapse's happiness...
Clutching my eversweet peace like a spoil'd child.
Hidden from view,
but most certainly there.

Dare me to escape the frozen steel I call home.
Wrought Irony,
Dragging my prison beneath my feat...

Misspelling's intentional because my feat?
Dragging my feet.

Asleep at the wheel,
my heart is steel.

Awoken stone cries gravel tears,
bruising my feet as I walk,
Talking as if the sensation is anything less than profoundly real.

Tangency is my thought process,
Clever distractions from the harbor'd fears:
just look the other way.

Case in point:
Confusion's forsaken my tears,
as my fears fade away,
if only to return another page.
Oct 2019 · 172
naME
H
E
L
L
o

my naME is?

I DOn't,
kNOw
Oct 2019 · 272
Kindling
I am merely a reflection of the shadow that walks beneath my feet.
My heart chokes on wildfires of yesteryear,
Nary the rarest sputter,
Yet I have nothing to lose.


As the smouldering candle simmers,
Fit to set the world aflame,
Is my being,
Wound like a clockspring,
Pull my trigger,

And I will explode.


Reignite Me.
Oct 2019 · 148
Noise
Silence,
The mystery,
Sight unfollowed.

The absence of noise may be just as loud as not,
Due to the voices we use to fill the void,
Anxiety.

It is easy to remember the noise,
But impossible to forget the silence
Response to "Up in Smoke" by Tatiana
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/3371016/up-in-smoke/
Oct 2019 · 188
?
?
what
am
i
supposed
to
say

when
nothing
is
what
it
seems
Oct 2019 · 135
Come, Wintre's Inferno
Come,
Wintre's blaze.
Burn my inferno dear,

Sweet, Sweet release,
From Summer's peace.

Firestorm follow my tendency,
To recluse, unwholly,
And leave myself behind.

Wither, wintre's faces beckon,
My heartfelt sorrow's near.

Tis' the season,
To hold my sanity,
Dear.
Oct 2019 · 255
Sobering Reality
The world doesn't owe you a **** thing. Hard work doesn't entitle you to a better life, neither does lineage, money or otherwise.

You aren't entitled to ANYthing.
Some people get more than they "deserve".
Other people get less.

"Deserving" is a manufactured concept to allow us to pity ourselves when we acquire less of a good thing or more of a bad thing than we expected.

When something bad happens to you, you didn't deserve it.
When something amazing happens to you, you didn't deserve it.

Our very existence is a gift, and saying we deserve anything more than to be alive is purely arrogant. Be thankful for every drop of water, every grain of sand, and every speck of dust you have because one day, you may not have those anymore. So cherish the ones who you love, because one day, they may no longer be there either.
Oct 2019 · 209
why
why
these writings,
these ramblings,
these, incoherent thoughts,

are many things to me.
i write for several reasons,
and I post my work for several more.

this, is my therapy...
this allows me to go back in time and, re-live moments, to re-think thoughts, and most importantly, re-evaluate my internal response and outlook of the situation, feeling, or occurrence.

my writing focuses upon my internalisms, my thoughts.
very few of my pieces are outwardly inspired. Very rarely is my writing based within my physical perception of what is happening around me.

I post and share, for several more reasons; some purer than others.
I share because I don't want others to suffer as I do at times, and perhaps, something in my writing will inspire a change in thought or feeling, or at the very least, allow someone to relate, and realize they're not alone.

I share so that someone, someday will recognize the true weight and reflection of my writing and be able to identify how, and why I am how I am, and help me better understand myself and the world around me, and minimize, or even eliminate this endless battle, and help me find the only thing in life that I truly yearn for:
peace.

i share also because i feel that my experiences and thoughts are common property. my creations, once made, are no longer mine to keep to myself. these words, these thoughts, these feelings are yours to do with what you please. love them, hate them, learn from them, or ignore them completely. Just as speech is common domain, so is my inner speech.

lastly, i share Because of my struggle... this is my selfish motive. I am addicted to the validation of seeing you all read my inner thoughts and react to it. It tells me I am not dreaming. It shows me that what I feel is, in fact, real and that I am not just a figment of my own imagination.

Why am I writing this?
to show you i am not merely a writer behind a mask, or truly a writer at all.
I am just a human, a person sharing my existence in the form of written words.

Thank you,
And may you all find a true, everlasting peace, and love within yourselves, and each other.
Oct 2019 · 192
this one's for me
subside the restless, crashing waves.

free my mind from this prison.

i am tired.
i am lost.
i've lost all meaning of the word, hope.

now, i just survive,
but only just...

egged on by the pluck and strike of the dancing tunes i force myself to listen to,
just to distract myself from all the raging stimuli.

emotion-sensory overload

perhaps, it's time i tried something new.
to stare into fear, and run it through...

maybe the little white pills aren't the boogyman,
the monster under my bed.

the monster is in my head,
and perhaps,
this little white pill...
just may put him away for a little while,
one day at a time.

subside the restless,
thoughts in my head.


~~~~~~~

this is my therapy.
so that i can breathe.

this one's not for you,
it's for me to read.
but if you really want to,
so can you.
Oct 2019 · 597
Annual, Partial Shade
Point light source.
Glimpse upon your reality.

Soft-spoken liars,
Emptying their forsaken breath upon battle-scarred ears.

Anticipation of the days to come,
Eases the empty mind;
Drain'd by warfare unseen.

The fight ongoing,
Rough-cracked skin boils in the sun,
Heat-stroked by the anxiety.

Retreat into the shadows,
You poor, blossoming flower.
All you need,
Is partial shade.

Your pastel blossoms will bloom,
With colors that will amaze and astound.

Feed upon the streams that drift by,
And at last you will shine as your heartsongs always knew you could.

Define your own beauty,
And become your very own,
Point light source.

~Robert van Lingen
Sep 2019 · 111
Today is Fine
Today is fine;
Good, even.
Notice.
The tiniest disturbance.

Why.

I don't like this.

A hole, torn in your existence.
Begin the singularity,
Engulfing.
Tiny Upset,
thought about,
more and more.
Becometh the raging storm.
Longer I stare,
Surround my consciousness.

Now,
everything is black.

I can't see.
I can't breathe.
My heart hurts.

We are.
Reflections of the wrong.
Exponentiate the entropy of thought.

Today is fine.
Not really.
This.
is.
Anxiety.
Sep 2019 · 491
Mission
Foreign places,
Foreign faces,
With nothing,
   And no one to lose...

And not a second's grief gain'd but with my own anxieties.

Just a moment's notice is all it takes to turn a moment's motives from having a good time to just getting away.

Spare me the sickness of my socialities,
Stare into my petrified eyes and fill them with tears,

If nothing else,
But just to displace my fears.

~Robert van Lingen
i just want to smile
Sep 2019 · 259
Hi, Again.
Conjunctory synapsations dominate this space of mine.
Illogictorious messengers flutter across the grey matter.

Ellaborations swim down my being.
Painfulnesses take wing through the nervousness I call anxiety.

It is reading words that can be said, but that you cannot understand.
This is me,
My time,
My ramblings in thought,
I am,
Stranded in my mind.
Sep 2019 · 191
Without All
I am not myself, for without those near, N'er I resolve to nothing.

I am you, I am Him, and her. I am all who I see, For without all, I am nothing.

~Robert van Lingen
Ported from my Wattpad account.
Written June 23, 2015
Sep 2019 · 152
W+L ● ?¿
Words,
Are the believed truth.
The selfless intentions we've lost ourselves within.
Abhorred by those who don't understand.

Words,
Are the language of our endless thoughts,
Torturously imprisoned if left with no other choice.

So,
Speak to me your sins,
Your loves,
Your pains,
Your means,
And your end.

Spout your soliloquy my direction,
And I would revel in the limitless interpretations of your thought.

Words are LOVE

~Robert van Lingen
Response to "GđV+10" by Guy de Vere
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/3308764/gv10/
Sep 2019 · 118
Sing me Peace
Tap the keys to ease my restless smile,
Shut the mind's eyes and let the strifes melt away.

Peace, my old friend,
Come visit me again,
Your keys hidden in Song.
Opened,
Hoping to hear you every now and again.

~Robert van Lingen
Aug 2019 · 156
REST
Mental heart at rest,
At rest...

At best,
I must arrest my restless mind to slog through the rest of today.

At Rest.
At rest,
Birds nest of anxieties...
Come to rest.

SILENCE!

insolent mind.

Be, at rest.
Aug 2019 · 140
Brass
Bound to a destiny encased in brass,
I await the fateful day,
Standing by,
Feigning my existence all the while,
Holding the beast at bay.
Aug 2019 · 258
Random #89 ½
I lust for the grasp of hope's embrace.
The gentle slumber of no further worries.

I crave the eyes in which I will drown,
and the restful days within them.
Aug 2019 · 201
-Less
My heartless time rivers flow'd.
My restless adversary.

My thoughtless mind had show'd,
My inundated tributary.

Flood'd,
By the sleepless anxiety.
Constant reminders of my perfectionist's folly;
My immortal immorality.

My logic's subsided.
Sanity's mistaken.
Slow'd to a dull roar,
Blowing in the wind.

My Intuition's annulment,
Blind'd by the songless hymns.
That heartbeat melody,
What set me on the brim.

My Mindless heart.
My heartless mind.
This is life,
In this peaceless soul of mine.

Time is my commodity,
Ever so rare,
What has me blind,
To this peace of time.

Perhaps, somewhere in this mind,
Ever so scared,
I may yet find,
This peace of mine.

~Robert van Lingen
Aug 2019 · 382
Into the Light of Night
Blanket eyes,
Close, to see the light.

Drift,
Further from the shining bright.

Open wide,
To see the blight.

That which,
Leaves with dreams of flight.

Goodbye, fateful might,
For once again,
I will sleep tonight.
Jul 2019 · 173
What am I Not?
I am the ugly duckling.
I am the doorless key.
I am the page forever unstained.
I am the beginningless story.

I am the man,
with no home.

I am,
The soul,
With no hope,
No trust,
No penance,
No closure,
No love,
No peace...

No humanity.

I,
am not lost,
For I was never even meant to be found.

~Robert van Lingen
Jul 2019 · 178
Path to NoWhere
I need the path,
That I do not have.

Kicked while I'm down,
Lost in surveyance of my barren mindscape.
Littered with hopes and dreams,
That were just too far from reach.
Not even worth trying for anymore.
Kicked aside like tin cans on an empty highway.

I dare not even muster the strength to take a harmless peek,
Because emptiness isn't worth the effort.

Standing in the center of an endless road,
Going in no particular direction.
I don't know where to go.


~Robert van Lingen
Jul 2019 · 214
Fool's Gold
Ideas cast in thoughtless gold,
Will rend no fortune's tale.

Though dreams forged with dauntless hold,
Will breathe truth preveiled.


~Robert van Lingen
Jun 2019 · 416
Don't be Afraid
Rage flows,
When the pains shows,
That others have to go through,
When there's nothing you can do...

****** eyes,
Bruised thighs...
All from they guys they've come to trust.
It's disgusting...

And the saddest part of it all,
Most won't even tell a soul.

Because they don't want to worry us.
Or maybe,
It's too dangerous,
To try and run away..

All I can say is,
Don't be afraid to try and trust again,
Because I swear,
You can love again.

Because, we can help.
Even if it is, just to listen.

~Robert van Lingen
Jun 2019 · 359
why do i do this to myself
This,
Is a diction to validation.
Give me your eyes,
And read my writes.

Within the increment,
Feeding my affliction.

More reads,
Make more writes,
And your reads,
Are my wrongs,
That let me sleep at night.

~Robert van Lingen
Jun 2019 · 252
V
Jun 2019 · 147
Precipice
Standing on the precipice of a dream,
Gleaming,
The Sun in my eyes.

Shall I take this fateful step once again?
For when last I stood before a dream...

I took that step,
And valiantly, I plunged into a darkness from
  which I have still not been freed.

Perhaps,
T'was not a step I should have made,
But rather a Leap.

From this precipice,
Standing atop the cliffside, staring into.
   future's abyss,
Petrified,
petrified...

I must leap,
   yet to this day,

I would much rather,
  

Fall into sleep.
Jun 2019 · 146
I Am
I am Patience and I am Pain,

I am tribulation and trials,

I am horror and I am happiness,

I am not myself, nor I wish to be so.

I am as existence is,

And so I wish to be peace,

I wish,

And I am.
Written on 04-28-2015
https://my.w.tt/fz4hp2raBX
Jun 2019 · 604
Into the Fray
Fawning over the fissile festivities,
with which I fake my facile form.
Fatal futility floods my far-flung faith in myself.

Feeding the fires of my forgery,
Frantic forethought,
Fictionalizing the facts before my faithless eyes.

Forclosing upon the fractional freedoms that I've so long fought for.
Fearing the unforgiving firestorm that follows,
Once I've finally exhausted faith in my future.

Fielding my final fight,
Standing fast in the face of futility.
Fit to fly into the fray.
Jun 2019 · 167
A sad state of affairs
It's a sad state of affairs,
When I pray for a freak accident,
So I don't have do deal with,
What I'm scared of:

Me
Jun 2019 · 334
Random #insomnia
Every minute is a century,
When I can't fall asleep.

Evasive peace.
Please...

It's getting hard to breathe...


Stop.
Breathe.
Hold.
It's going to be okay.


Sleep
Jun 2019 · 303
So,
So,
Tryin to be independent of the venom inside my head,
This isn't dead though,
My eyes are red so,
I'm reaching the pinnacle,
Reading into the syllables,
Inside my head,
That want me dead,
But I'm not ready yet,
So I'll just say no to the infected perception of the world around me,
So,

Just relax,
Here I am.
Just look in the mirror,
Smile,
And jump in.

The water is cold and unforgiving,
The product of being so lost and feeling so
Dark, alone, but I'm never quitting, so,

Hold on and don't let go,
It's gonna be hard,
But don't let your feeling show,
How scared you are,
To feel the scars,
and free the arts,
of the real,
person you are.

Just show them,
You'll never give up,
Just feel the love,
and let it grow,
So,

Be who you are,
and don't forget,
when things are hard,
Just stare at the stars.

~Robert van Lingen
The rhythm is inspired by NF, and his music. Listen to "The Search" by NF then read this with that kind of rhythm, and that's how I envisioned it.
May 2019 · 282
Random?
I am weary, now,
Of this thing called hope.
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