I promised to always love you

Not realizing I doomed myself 

Because I still love you so much

Even when you stopped loving me

I've seen the care you give to animals
From the smallest rodents
To the biggest dogs
You gave them love and homes

I should have seen the signs
I was only a person to you
When you broke my home
When you took my love

You loved animals
More than your own person
Yet you left me
Like a wounded animal

Like the arcane of the worlds
You were mysterious and captivating
Magic yearning to be explored, to be captured
I stayed to study and observe all of your essence 
Weaving signs and symbols that my eyes memorized
Speaking ancient words of forgotten love
That only my heart can understand
The source of all of that is unknown and magical
Created between us 
Enchanting what was already enchanted
Ensnaring what was already ensnared
The art of invoking stars and wonders
Existed long within your eyes
That hexed me, held me
You cast what you desired
But you didn't know
I was already yours
You never needed the universe's secrets
To achieve what we both wanted 
Go ahead and perform the occult
But you were too late
The love was there inside
Before you even touched a book
You didn't need an ingredient or secrecy
For this familiar that you summoned
To be forever yours

And that was the last time
I let the world see me
Hear me
Begged for love

You must be proud of me
Proud that I have moved on
Proud that I have taken a step
Admiring the progress I made
Silently happy for me

But I am not proud at all
I am not proud of this progress
I am not proud of these scars
You gave me shameful wounds
That my heart has to bear

You were my pride and joy
You were my future and hope
A partner, a lover, a friend
Now look where that got me
A broken heart for all to see

Retelling the stories of us
Brings great shame to me
Making me look like a fool
Why would I be proud of
The hardships you put on me

You are not proud of me
Surviving the heartbreak
Or how I carry myself with pain
You are proud of the scars
That still carries your name

We were artists
But you had the brush
And I had the pen
You drew the worlds, the people
I wrote down the feelings, explanations

You captured the images perfectly
While I can only guess at the words
The way you moved your brush
While I can only stick to lines
Beauty versus perfection

You express your worlds radiantly 
But I can only write in black and white
I wished I traded my pen for a brush
To feel the colors you weaved 
To see the world beyond my script

Maybe if I knew how to color
If my pen drew more than rigid letters
You would have understood me 
In a world of black and white 
You were the color in my life

You weren't supposed to do that
There were rules, guidelines
You can't just waltz in here
And break every word
No
You were given instructions
How to handle with care
There were expectations
You agreed before entering
Yet
You didn't just trash the place
You left devastation, a mess
Breaking every piece, every rule
You weren't supposed to break me

You hated the smell of cigarettes 

So I stopped smoking 

Even when you're long gone

I still haven't picked it back up

Because I am still hopeful

That you'll come back

Bumping into you, talking to you

And still showing 

I cared about the little things 

After all this time

Nice and slow
That's how we loved
A day at a time
Falling deeper and deeper
Forging bonds
Every second together
Exciting and new
A life growing and growing
Until eventually
We reached our tallest peak
How quickly
We crashed and burned
We dropped 
Just like our hearts did
A divebomb 
That broke everything 
The lowest point
Is what we ended up with 
Nice and slow
That's how I recovered
Horribly fast 
Was how you moved on

Why are you crying?
Why would you shed tears for this?
After all
It was you that ended this
It was you that broke my heart
So why are you crying?
That silent pain you're showing me
The sadness deep in your eyes
Why are you sad
When I was the one who tried?
I have every right to shed tears
Yet you're doing it on my behalf
Why would you cry for the bonds
That you cut with your own hands?
Why would you cry for the love
When you're the one who turned away?
Why would cry so much for us 
When I am the one you hurt?
Let me cry, shout, let it all out
I have every right to do so because of you
Instead
Even as you cry for your own actions
Even as you cry stepping away from me
I will still wipe those tears away
I will still kiss the pain away 
I will still tell you that it's okay 
Because even as you end everything
I never want to see you cry
Even when I am the one
Crying inside

Can you tell me
How it feels to be disconnected?
Was it string by string
Or did you rip it off all at once?

When you looked at me
Did you see the color in my eyes?
Or did you see black and white
Before you looked away?

Was it hard?
Hesitation, doubts, guesses
Or was it easy?
Simple, quick, effortless

When we touched
Did you feel that electricity?
Or did your hand
Only felt an object?

As I loved you
Did you love me?
Or did you just
Say it awkwardly?

When I thought of you
Did you think of me?
Or were your thoughts randomized
With everything but me?

I asked how it felt
Because I am still connected
To someone who is gone
Who pulled away so effortlessly

A red string of fate
Severed by you
And I asked myself
How can I do the same?

I am so drunk
On the bottle named Us
I want to repeat it all
By drowning in the thoughts of you

I want to get washed away
From the pain, the truth
I want to feel that numbness
Chug it all away with that filthy juice

I am stumbling and stuttering
I am a mess, a slouch, an addict
Waiting for a refill
Another cup of memories, please

I laughed, I shouted, I cried
Belligerent in the eyes of others
As I'm lost in only yours
Passing out alone 

The bottle emptied again
Not a drop of love left
And as I sober up, I realize
I am still hungover for you

It's such a cold feeling
Turning around to show you something
Excited to make you smile, to share with you
Only to remember, embarrassingly so
That I still have that bad habit
Of turning towards someone who isn't there anymore

You didn't just break my heart
You broke the future I was working for
You broke the dreams that I always had
You took away the hopes and smiles I had
You took away the sweat and tears I shed
You robbed me from knowing love
You robbed me from knowing closure
You destroyed my sense of self
You destroyed my motivations
You didn't just break my heart
You broke everything that was me

My greatest fear
Is forgetting how you smiled
The sound of your voice and laughter
Forgetting how you held me 
Forgetting the color of your eyes
My greatest fear
Is forgetting the traits you have
Forgetting our anniversary, our meals
What were your habits and moods
Forgetting everything we had together 
My greatest fear
Is forgetting everything about you
Only to be struck remembering 
How much this stranger
Meant to me

I would give up
The world, my life
My soul, my heart
Give everything up for you
But the only thing
You will give up on
Is me

Was it my greed?
Did my desires get in the way?
I wanted it all, everything
The future, the hopes, the love
Your dreams, your desires, your thoughts
I want it all, give it all to me
All of you, the good and bad
The doubts and fears you have
The happiness and laughters
Let me devour it all, take it all
Anything of yours is mine now
Those smiles, eyes, kisses
Fill up my greed with all of you
But was my desire reckless?
All I ever wanted was you
Was that too much to ask for?
Was my greed for you too much?
All I ever wanted was everything
Everything with you, by you
I wanted to take it all
Because you had all of me
Your greed outmatched mine
So why was my own greed
The one that failed the most?
Why was your greed acceptable
When it took everything from me?

Like the Grim Reaper
You took the life I had 
No scythe, no robes, no fear
Just a longing, desperate kiss
A look of yearning, a smile of love
I may still wake up and count the time
But my heart is long gone
Death wasn't cold or hard 
It was warm and soft
An embrace from an angel 
I gave you my future and self
But that future is dead
And that person is gone
My body is still here
But the hopes were slain
The Grim Reaper herself
Was so beautiful and alluring
I didn't realize she killed me 
Not with a blade of doom
But with a tearful goodbye 
My heart pumps blood still
But my heart lives for no one

I should've counted the days
When you were here 
Now I count every second
That you're not here

I want my hope to go away forever
To silence its tiny voice in my heart
Get away from me
Shut up and leave
Don't ever come back to me
Yet that tiny flame burns brightly
What do you want
Just stop it already
I want the hope to finally die
Die like the way I died that day
Time has passed
So give up already
This hope of mine torments me
It gently brushes its hands on me
Reminding me
Whispering to me
I want this hope to finally let me go
So that I can finally let you go

I know what we have isn't gone

Because if it was

It would have stopped hurting

I hate you
When you smiled, I smiled
I wanted you to be happy

I hate you
When you were successful, I cheered
I always believed in you

I hate you
When you're dressed up, I gasp 
I am taken by you yet again

I hate you
When you grew, I admired
I knew you were meant for more

I hate you
When you moved on, I stayed
I am always waiting for you

I hate you
When you faded away, I cried
I will only be a memory to you

I hate you
When you were in my life, I knew
I truly did love you 

I hate you
Despite everything, I begged 
That I could actually hate you

I remembered
How you looked at me
The first time you saw me
And I thought to myself
How much I loved you

I remembered
How you looked at me
The last time you saw me
And I thought to myself
How I will always love you

Our first kiss
Took my soul away
Your pink lips
Were claiming mine
Vanilla was the flavor
Your hands holding me
Scared as though I'd disappear
But I was already stuck with you
The silent gasps between us
Feeling your warmth, your needs
We had our eyes closed
But we both saw our future
You drew away, but it lingered
I was myself again
And you looked at me
With such loving eyes
We made a silent promise
Of always wanting more

Our last kiss
Was exactly the same
Claiming each other
The flavor, the breathing
Hands clutching desperately
The neediness, the warmth
The future we still saw
I drew away, but it lingered
You were yourself again
But you looked at me
With such heartbreak
We made a silent goodbye
But we always wanted more

I knew the ways you wanted me to love you
I knew all the languages of love between us
The touching, the actions, the words, emotions
I knew how that spark felt between our hearts
I knew how to whisper those words to your soul
Unfortunately, I wish I knew the languages or actions
That could have made you stayed

The love I had for you

Made the Gods jealous

But the pain you gave me

Made the Devil laugh

How could I love like that again
When I pour all of my heart into you
How could I love like that again
When I wasn't enough for you

I still mourn for you
Although you're alive
Living a normal life
I mourn for the future
That had you in it
I mourn for the death
Of the dreams we had
Crying every night
For a love lost once
I mourn for the version
Of us smiling together
I am pleading with anyone
Bring back what is gone
Because I am tired
Of mourning the loss
Of whom I loved

I will die for you, with a smile on my face
To protect you with all of my life and soul
To bleed and bruise, unyielding and stubborn
A fantasy every man yearned to do for his lover

But the murderer stabbed my heart, my love
Twisted it with the dagger I happily gave them
My most beautiful killer with the pained face
A nightmare every man feared about their lover

I once called you
My most beautiful flower
The way you bloomed
Thriving with life and color
Twisting and spreading
But like all plants
They needed to survive
My heart was your soil
You took what you need
Until my love was drained
You died in my arms
And those thorns scarred me
I kept watering you desperately
But my tears weren't enough
Did you leave a seed for me
A bit of hope to bloom again
Or was this the last season
You grew with me

My most dangerous trauma
Has the most gorgeous smile
How you haunt my dreams
That I never want to end
Your ghost lingers in my heart
And how it beats with joy and sorrow
My most beautiful trigger
Pull it, and let it go through me
You left a hole, a wound
Unforgettable in my waking moments
The scars that spelled love
Carved by mine's truly
I wish to heal one day
But I hold on to all of it 
I am not ready, I refuse to move
Erasing all the sadness and misery 
Would also mean erasing you

You drew me as the villain of your story
Brushing over my lines of kindness
Blotting out the colors with ugly spots
You threw away my features and corners
Replaced them with shades of animosity
My image at the mercy of your delicate hands
Painting me as you wish, inking lies of me
But no matter what techniques you used
What combination of colors or strokes
Or whatever tools you used to sculpt
Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder
But truth is absolute and everlasting
Go on and show off your work to the world
Be proud of the storytelling of your canvas
But you and I both know, beneath the paper
You once called this villain your loving muse
And I once called you my wonderful maker

There's plenty of fish in the sea
But you weren't just another fin tail
You were the gorgeous waters itself 
I drown myself in your passion
My entire world flooded with your love
A hurricane that wrapped my heart
So when you left without a drop
When the love dried to the bone 
And my world is now dust and empty 
How could I ever want a fish
When it was the ocean herself
That filled my love

I looked at you as a stranger
Even though I know your favorite color
Pink, because you thought it was cute

You talked differently to me
Even though I remember that smile
Especially when you laughed at my jokes

Your gestures moved stiffly
Even though I remember how it felt
Being embraced by them as we lay together

Your eyes seemed normal
Even though they used to light up
When I gave you your favorite sweets

Your hands are stilled
Even though we talked about marriage
Your ring size, which golden band you preferred

Your tone is quiet
When it was loud, passionate
As we talked about our future and dreams

We had some distance between us
Even though your warmth, your hair
Was laying on my chest before

You spoke quick, punctual
When I remember your slangs, accent
Speaking freely and comfortably around me

You were so reserved
Even though we told each other
"I love you"

There was tension
When it used to feel safe, opened
Calling each other "home"

We said goodbye
When we used to say
"Always and Forever"

Strangers once more
Like in the beginning
But ending just as that

One day
I will stop looking at your photos
I can finally delete them
Forget about them forever

One day
I will stop looking at places
I can stop romanticizing them
Stop thinking about dates

One day
I will block your contacts
Your socials, your emails, your texts
So I can stop checking everyday

One day
I will smile again
Laugh with friends and family
No need to fake it anymore

One day
I will throw away your things
Toss away the gifts, the letters
Clearing up my home

One day
I will meet someone new
Who will love me, accept me
Better than you could ever have

One day
I will stop loving you
I can finally let you go
So it can stop hurting

One day
Someday
Just
Not today

As my world is engulfed in flames
Do you still burn for me?
Raging fires, roaring so loudly
Do you still feel me, hear me?
As my heart burns for you
As my love erupts 
Do you not see my passion?

Or am I doomed to be a waste?
All that heat and passion and love
An explosion of emotions, searing my skies
Do I not light you up?
Ashes upon ashes, dying to embers
Do you not want my warmth?

Burned out, cinders and gray
All those feelings and connections
Did it disappear like smoke?
What was once lit now smoldered
What was once passion is now blackened
Was our fire ever real?
Or was I the only one burned?

He may love the best parts of you
Just as much as I did
But I also treasured
The broken parts of you
The jagged pieces you feared
The shards you cut me with
He may love the best parts of you
But I loved all of you

I refused to let you go
I know that if I did
You'd be gone forever
But you promised
Always and Forever
And I don't want a life
Where promises didn't exist

I punched that mirror
Over and over and over again
My knuckles bloodied
Hundreds of shards on the floor
Yet no matter what
Even as I kept smashing it all
Each shard is still
A reflection of a broken man