The wisdom I have gained
Can fill many lovers' cups
With experience and lessons
With loss and sorrow
Pour my knowledge into them
How to love and how to talk
To listen and to feel
To never lose or yield
To hold what is precious
The wisdom I have now
Flows like a faucet
Where every lover shall
Never know the thirst
For one's touch
For one's kiss
To share a glass with another
To drink each other's love
Yet for all that insight
My own cup
Can never be filled again

I promised to always love you

Not realizing I doomed myself 

Because I still love you so much

Even when you stopped loving me

I've seen the care you give to animals
From the smallest rodents
To the biggest dogs
You gave them love and homes

I should have seen the signs
I was only a person to you
When you broke my home
When you took my love

You loved animals
More than your own person
Yet you left me
Like a wounded animal

Like the arcane of the worlds
You were mysterious and captivating
Magic yearning to be explored, to be captured
I stayed to study and observe all of your essence 
Weaving signs and symbols that my eyes memorized
Speaking ancient words of forgotten love
That only my heart can understand
The source of all of that is unknown and magical
Created between us 
Enchanting what was already enchanted
Ensnaring what was already ensnared
The art of invoking stars and wonders
Existed long within your eyes
That hexed me, held me
You cast what you desired
But you didn't know
I was already yours
You never needed the universe's secrets
To achieve what we both wanted 
Go ahead and perform the occult
But you were too late
The love was there inside
Before you even touched a book
You didn't need an ingredient or secrecy
For this familiar that you summoned
To be forever yours

And that was the last time
I let the world see me
Hear me
Begged for love

You must be proud of me
Proud that I have moved on
Proud that I have taken a step
Admiring the progress I made
Silently happy for me

But I am not proud at all
I am not proud of this progress
I am not proud of these scars
You gave me shameful wounds
That my heart has to bear

You were my pride and joy
You were my future and hope
A partner, a lover, a friend
Now look where that got me
A broken heart for all to see

Retelling the stories of us
Brings great shame to me
Making me look like a fool
Why would I be proud of
The hardships you put on me

You are not proud of me
Surviving the heartbreak
Or how I carry myself with pain
You are proud of the scars
That still carries your name

We were artists
But you had the brush
And I had the pen
You drew the worlds, the people
I wrote down the feelings, explanations

You captured the images perfectly
While I can only guess at the words
The way you moved your brush
While I can only stick to lines
Beauty versus perfection

You express your worlds radiantly 
But I can only write in black and white
I wished I traded my pen for a brush
To feel the colors you weaved 
To see the world beyond my script

Maybe if I knew how to color
If my pen drew more than rigid letters
You would have understood me 
In a world of black and white 
You were the color in my life

You weren't supposed to do that
There were rules, guidelines
You can't just waltz in here
And break every word
No
You were given instructions
How to handle with care
There were expectations
You agreed before entering
Yet
You didn't just trash the place
You left devastation, a mess
Breaking every piece, every rule
You weren't supposed to break me

You hated the smell of cigarettes 

So I stopped smoking 

Even when you're long gone

I still haven't picked it back up

Because I am still hopeful

That you'll come back

Bumping into you, talking to you

And still showing 

I cared about the little things 

After all this time

I miss your sweet amber eyes
It reminds me of the sun
Warming me with your sight

Wait

Were they ocean blue eyes?
Like a calm sea, drowning me
With so much love and admiration

No

They were green for sure
Precious emeralds that sparkled
A life and future I can see us in

Ah

They were hazel actually
A spectrum of ever-changing beauty
That memorized me so easily

Oh

I'm almost certain they were deep gray
Like a thunderstorm made out of
The passion we had shared

But

No matter how hard I try
I can't remember the last time
We looked at each other's eyes

Nice and slow
That's how we loved
A day at a time
Falling deeper and deeper
Forging bonds
Every second together
Exciting and new
A life growing and growing
Until eventually
We reached our tallest peak
How quickly
We crashed and burned
We dropped 
Just like our hearts did
A divebomb 
That broke everything 
The lowest point
Is what we ended up with 
Nice and slow
That's how I recovered
Horribly fast 
Was how you moved on

Why are you crying?
Why would you shed tears for this?
After all
It was you that ended this
It was you that broke my heart
So why are you crying?
That silent pain you're showing me
The sadness deep in your eyes
Why are you sad
When I was the one who tried?
I have every right to shed tears
Yet you're doing it on my behalf
Why would you cry for the bonds
That you cut with your own hands?
Why would you cry for the love
When you're the one who turned away?
Why would cry so much for us 
When I am the one you hurt?
Let me cry, shout, let it all out
I have every right to do so because of you
Instead
Even as you cry for your own actions
Even as you cry stepping away from me
I will still wipe those tears away
I will still kiss the pain away 
I will still tell you that it's okay 
Because even as you end everything
I never want to see you cry
Even when I am the one
Crying inside

Can you tell me
How it feels to be disconnected?
Was it string by string
Or did you rip it off all at once?

When you looked at me
Did you see the color in my eyes?
Or did you see black and white
Before you looked away?

Was it hard?
Hesitation, doubts, guesses
Or was it easy?
Simple, quick, effortless

When we touched
Did you feel that electricity?
Or did your hand
Only felt an object?

As I loved you
Did you love me?
Or did you just
Say it awkwardly?

When I thought of you
Did you think of me?
Or were your thoughts randomized
With everything but me?

I asked how it felt
Because I am still connected
To someone who is gone
Who pulled away so effortlessly

A red string of fate
Severed by you
And I asked myself
How can I do the same?

Yes, it is my fault
Yes, be angry with me
Shout at me, insult me
Hurt me, blame me
Show me your
Anger and sadness
The outrage
The heartbreak
Throw me your
Issues and words
Keep throwing and shouting
Yes, I can take it
Do whatever you need
Even if you hurt me
Do whatever you need
So that you can stay
Even if it bleeds me
Stay here with me
Even if it's unhealthy
Please
Don't leave me

I am so drunk
On the bottle named Us
I want to repeat it all
By drowning in the thoughts of you

I want to get washed away
From the pain, the truth
I want to feel that numbness
Chug it all away with that filthy juice

I am stumbling and stuttering
I am a mess, a slouch, an addict
Waiting for a refill
Another cup of memories, please

I laughed, I shouted, I cried
Belligerent in the eyes of others
As I'm lost in only yours
Passing out alone 

The bottle emptied again
Not a drop of love left
And as I sober up, I realize
I am still hungover for you

It's such a cold feeling
Turning around to show you something
Excited to make you smile, to share with you
Only to remember, embarrassingly so
That I still have that bad habit
Of turning towards someone who isn't there anymore

You didn't just break my heart
You broke the future I was working for
You broke the dreams that I always had
You took away the hopes and smiles I had
You took away the sweat and tears I shed
You robbed me from knowing love
You robbed me from knowing closure
You destroyed my sense of self
You destroyed my motivations
You didn't just break my heart
You broke everything that was me

My greatest fear
Is forgetting how you smiled
The sound of your voice and laughter
Forgetting how you held me 
Forgetting the color of your eyes
My greatest fear
Is forgetting the traits you have
Forgetting our anniversary, our meals
What were your habits and moods
Forgetting everything we had together 
My greatest fear
Is forgetting everything about you
Only to be struck remembering 
How much this stranger
Meant to me

To offer me friendship
Is to insult my love
The love I have for you
Could not pretend a smile
I cannot look at you
And not tell you I loved you
To offer me friendship
After all the bonds we shared
The tears we have shed
The passion we had
The hopes for each other
Is to insult and slander
Those hardships and memories
It belittles our own feelings
It escapes accountability
By pretending we are fine
I would rather
Look at you with angst
With sorrow and yearning
Than to uphold a lie
That you preferred to live by
We cannot be friends
Just as we
Cannot be together

I would give up
The world, my life
My soul, my heart
Give everything up for you
But the only thing
You will give up on
Is me

Was it my greed?
Did my desires get in the way?
I wanted it all, everything
The future, the hopes, the love
Your dreams, your desires, your thoughts
I want it all, give it all to me
All of you, the good and bad
The doubts and fears you have
The happiness and laughters
Let me devour it all, take it all
Anything of yours is mine now
Those smiles, eyes, kisses
Fill up my greed with all of you
But was my desire reckless?
All I ever wanted was you
Was that too much to ask for?
Was my greed for you too much?
All I ever wanted was everything
Everything with you, by you
I wanted to take it all
Because you had all of me
Your greed outmatched mine
So why was my own greed
The one that failed the most?
Why was your greed acceptable
When it took everything from me?

Like the Grim Reaper
You took the life I had 
No scythe, no robes, no fear
Just a longing, desperate kiss
A look of yearning, a smile of love
I may still wake up and count the time
But my heart is long gone
Death wasn't cold or hard 
It was warm and soft
An embrace from an angel 
I gave you my future and self
But that future is dead
And that person is gone
My body is still here
But the hopes were slain
The Grim Reaper herself
Was so beautiful and alluring
I didn't realize she killed me 
Not with a blade of doom
But with a tearful goodbye 
My heart pumps blood still
But my heart lives for no one

I should've counted the days
When you were here 
Now I count every second
That you're not here

Your hesitation to leave
Was not an act of love
It was a crumb of hope
That you left for me
The doubts in your eyes
Reflected false promises
The uncertainty you had
Told me you would stay
But you cowered
From making a decision
You ran away
From giving me an answer
Your hesitations only
Ensured your departure
Would break me
More than I needed to be

I want my hope to go away forever
To silence its tiny voice in my heart
Get away from me
Shut up and leave
Don't ever come back to me
Yet that tiny flame burns brightly
What do you want
Just stop it already
I want the hope to finally die
Die like the way I died that day
Time has passed
So give up already
This hope of mine torments me
It gently brushes its hands on me
Reminding me
Whispering to me
I want this hope to finally let me go
So that I can finally let you go

I know what we have isn't gone

Because if it was

It would have stopped hurting

I hate you
When you smiled, I smiled
I wanted you to be happy

I hate you
When you were successful, I cheered
I always believed in you

I hate you
When you're dressed up, I gasp 
I am taken by you yet again

I hate you
When you grew, I admired
I knew you were meant for more

I hate you
When you moved on, I stayed
I am always waiting for you

I hate you
When you faded away, I cried
I will only be a memory to you

I hate you
When you were in my life, I knew
I truly did love you 

I hate you
Despite everything, I begged 
That I could actually hate you

I remembered
How you looked at me
The first time you saw me
And I thought to myself
How much I loved you

I remembered
How you looked at me
The last time you saw me
And I thought to myself
How I will always love you

Our first kiss
Took my soul away
Your pink lips
Were claiming mine
Vanilla was the flavor
Your hands holding me
Scared as though I'd disappear
But I was already stuck with you
The silent gasps between us
Feeling your warmth, your needs
We had our eyes closed
But we both saw our future
You drew away, but it lingered
I was myself again
And you looked at me
With such loving eyes
We made a silent promise
Of always wanting more

Our last kiss
Was exactly the same
Claiming each other
The flavor, the breathing
Hands clutching desperately
The neediness, the warmth
The future we still saw
I drew away, but it lingered
You were yourself again
But you looked at me
With such heartbreak
We made a silent goodbye
But we always wanted more

I knew the ways you wanted me to love you
I knew all the languages of love between us
The touching, the actions, the words, emotions
I knew how that spark felt between our hearts
I knew how to whisper those words to your soul
Unfortunately, I wish I knew the languages or actions
That could have made you stayed

The love I had for you

Made the Gods jealous

But the pain you gave me

Made the Devil laugh

How could I love like that again
When I pour all of my heart into you
How could I love like that again
When I wasn't enough for you