I promised to always love you

Not realizing I doomed myself 

Because I still love you so much

Even when you stopped loving me

I've seen the care you give to animals
From the smallest rodents
To the biggest dogs
You gave them love and homes

I should have seen the signs
I was only a person to you
When you broke my home
When you took my love

You loved animals
More than your own person
Yet you left me
Like a wounded animal

Like the arcane of the worlds
You were mysterious and captivating
Magic yearning to be explored, to be captured
I stayed to study and observe all of your essence 
Weaving signs and symbols that my eyes memorized
Speaking ancient words of forgotten love
That only my heart can understand
The source of all of that is unknown and magical
Created between us 
Enchanting what was already enchanted
Ensnaring what was already ensnared
The art of invoking stars and wonders
Existed long within your eyes
That hexed me, held me
You cast what you desired
But you didn't know
I was already yours
You never needed the universe's secrets
To achieve what we both wanted 
Go ahead and perform the occult
But you were too late
The love was there inside
Before you even touched a book
You didn't need an ingredient or secrecy
For this familiar that you summoned
To be forever yours

And that was the last time
I let the world see me
Hear me
Begged for love

We were artists
But you had the brush
And I had the pen
You drew the worlds, the people
I wrote down the feelings, explanations

You captured the images perfectly
While I can only guess at the words
The way you moved your brush
While I can only stick to lines
Beauty versus perfection

You express your worlds radiantly 
But I can only write in black and white
I wished I traded my pen for a brush
To feel the colors you weaved 
To see the world beyond my script

Maybe if I knew how to color
If my pen drew more than rigid letters
You would have understood me 
In a world of black and white 
You were the color in my life

You weren't supposed to do that
There were rules, guidelines
You can't just waltz in here
And break every word
No
You were given instructions
How to handle with care
There were expectations
You agreed before entering
Yet
You didn't just trash the place
You left devastation, a mess
Breaking every piece, every rule
You weren't supposed to break me

I am so drunk
On the bottle named Us
I want to repeat it all
By drowning in the thoughts of you

I want to get washed away
From the pain, the truth
I want to feel that numbness
Chug it all away with that filthy juice

I am stumbling and stuttering
I am a mess, a slouch, an addict
Waiting for a refill
Another cup of memories, please

I laughed, I shouted, I cried
Belligerent in the eyes of others
As I'm lost in only yours
Passing out alone 

The bottle emptied again
Not a drop of love left
And as I sober up, I realize
I am still hungover for you

It's such a cold feeling
Turning around to show you something
Excited to make you smile, to share with you
Only to remember, embarrassingly so
That I still have that bad habit
Of turning towards someone who isn't there anymore

You didn't just break my heart
You broke the future I was working for
You broke the dreams that I always had
You took away the hopes and smiles I had
You took away the sweat and tears I shed
You robbed me from knowing love
You robbed me from knowing closure
You destroyed my sense of self
You destroyed my motivations
You didn't just break my heart
You broke everything that was me

I would give up
The world, my life
My soul, my heart
Give everything up for you
But the only thing
You will give up on
Is me

I should've counted the days
When you were here 
Now I count every second
That you're not here

I know what we have isn't gone

Because if it was

It would have stopped hurting

I remembered
How you looked at me
The first time you saw me
And I thought to myself
How much I loved you

I remembered
How you looked at me
The last time you saw me
And I thought to myself
How I will always love you

Our first kiss
Took my soul away
Your pink lips
Were claiming mine
Vanilla was the flavor
Your hands holding me
Scared as though I'd disappear
But I was already stuck with you
The silent gasps between us
Feeling your warmth, your needs
We had our eyes closed
But we both saw our future
You drew away, but it lingered
I was myself again
And you looked at me
With such loving eyes
We made a silent promise
Of always wanting more

Our last kiss
Was exactly the same
Claiming each other
The flavor, the breathing
Hands clutching desperately
The neediness, the warmth
The future we still saw
I drew away, but it lingered
You were yourself again
But you looked at me
With such heartbreak
We made a silent goodbye
But we always wanted more

The love I had for you

Made the Gods jealous

But the pain you gave me

Made the Devil laugh

How could I love like that again
When I pour all of my heart into you
How could I love like that again
When I wasn't enough for you

I will die for you, with a smile on my face
To protect you with all of my life and soul
To bleed and bruise, unyielding and stubborn
A fantasy every man yearned to do for his lover

But the murderer stabbed my heart, my love
Twisted it with the dagger I happily gave them
My most beautiful killer with the pained face
A nightmare every man feared about their lover

I once called you
My most beautiful flower
The way you bloomed
Thriving with life and color
Twisting and spreading
But like all plants
They needed to survive
My heart was your soil
You took what you need
Until my love was drained
You died in my arms
And those thorns scarred me
I kept watering you desperately
But my tears weren't enough
Did you leave a seed for me
A bit of hope to bloom again
Or was this the last season
You grew with me

My most dangerous trauma
Has the most gorgeous smile
How you haunt my dreams
That I never want to end
Your ghost lingers in my heart
And how it beats with joy and sorrow
My most beautiful trigger
Pull it, and let it go through me
You left a hole, a wound
Unforgettable in my waking moments
The scars that spelled love
Carved by mine's truly
I wish to heal one day
But I hold on to all of it 
I am not ready, I refuse to move
Erasing all the sadness and misery 
Would also mean erasing you

You drew me as the villain of your story
Brushing over my lines of kindness
Blotting out the colors with ugly spots
You threw away my features and corners
Replaced them with shades of animosity
My image at the mercy of your delicate hands
Painting me as you wish, inking lies of me
But no matter what techniques you used
What combination of colors or strokes
Or whatever tools you used to sculpt
Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder
But truth is absolute and everlasting
Go on and show off your work to the world
Be proud of the storytelling of your canvas
But you and I both know, beneath the paper
You once called this villain your loving muse
And I once called you my wonderful maker

There's plenty of fish in the sea
But you weren't just another fin tail
You were the gorgeous waters itself 
I drown myself in your passion
My entire world flooded with your love
A hurricane that wrapped my heart
So when you left without a drop
When the love dried to the bone 
And my world is now dust and empty 
How could I ever want a fish
When it was the ocean herself
That filled my love

I looked at you as a stranger
Even though I know your favorite color
Pink, because you thought it was cute

You talked differently to me
Even though I remember that smile
Especially when you laughed at my jokes

Your gestures moved stiffly
Even though I remember how it felt
Being embraced by them as we lay together

Your eyes seemed normal
Even though they used to light up
When I gave you your favorite sweets

Your hands are stilled
Even though we talked about marriage
Your ring size, which golden band you preferred

Your tone is quiet
When it was loud, passionate
As we talked about our future and dreams

We had some distance between us
Even though your warmth, your hair
Was laying on my chest before

You spoke quick, punctual
When I remember your slangs, accent
Speaking freely and comfortably around me

You were so reserved
Even though we told each other
"I love you"

There was tension
When it used to feel safe, opened
Calling each other "home"

We said goodbye
When we used to say
"Always and Forever"

Strangers once more
Like in the beginning
But ending just as that

One day
I will stop looking at your photos
I can finally delete them
Forget about them forever

One day
I will stop looking at places
I can stop romanticizing them
Stop thinking about dates

One day
I will block your contacts
Your socials, your emails, your texts
So I can stop checking everyday

One day
I will smile again
Laugh with friends and family
No need to fake it anymore

One day
I will throw away your things
Toss away the gifts, the letters
Clearing up my home

One day
I will meet someone new
Who will love me, accept me
Better than you could ever have

One day
I will stop loving you
I can finally let you go
So it can stop hurting

One day
Someday
Just
Not today

As my world is engulfed in flames
Do you still burn for me?
Raging fires, roaring so loudly
Do you still feel me, hear me?
As my heart burns for you
As my love erupts 
Do you not see my passion?

Or am I doomed to be a waste?
All that heat and passion and love
An explosion of emotions, searing my skies
Do I not light you up?
Ashes upon ashes, dying to embers
Do you not want my warmth?

Burned out, cinders and gray
All those feelings and connections
Did it disappear like smoke?
What was once lit now smoldered
What was once passion is now blackened
Was our fire ever real?
Or was I the only one burned?

He may love the best parts of you
Just as much as I did
But I also treasured
The broken parts of you
The jagged pieces you feared
The shards you cut me with
He may love the best parts of you
But I loved all of you

I refused to let you go
I know that if I did
You'd be gone forever
But you promised
Always and Forever
And I don't want a life
Where promises didn't exist

I screamed 
"I WOULD HAVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOU"
"I WOULD HAVE DONE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING"
I screamed at the top of my lungs
My fists clenched white as tears fell down
I screamed at the world
Until my heart gave out
I screamed
For someone who isnt' there anymore

I have heard broken glass before
I have heard the cracks and snaps
Echoing in an empty room
A deafening accident
But not even that
Can be as loud as a broken heart
Shattered on purpose

I knew it was a dream
I knew you weren't real
But I hit snooze for the tenth time
Because I wasn't ready to say goodbye

I called you my soulmate
Not because of your beautiful smiles
Not because of the heat from your heart
Not because of your lively laughter
Not because of your flowery scent
Not because of your sweetest kisses
A soul doesn't need any senses
To know when it is in love

You gave me a list
A million reasons to leave
But the only reason I stayed
Was you

I can't forgive you
I can't forget you
So I will wait
Until you crawl back
I will yell at you, be furious
Shout, cry, be stubborn
Until it's all out
I want it all out
Take it all
So I can take you back

I tried some classic Scotch tape
Of course it was cheap, so it tore so easily

I bought some painter's tape
It covered nicely but was easy to rip

Medical tape was ordered
It would have been nice if it actually worked

I had some packaging tape somewhere
That didn't even last for a day

Next was electrical tape
Stronger, but it couldn't handle the job

Then I tried duct tape
I was so shocked that it failed me

I mixed and matched all of them
Frustrating, crying as nothing works

I don't know what could help
Putting a heart back together

You wore your tattoos
Just like your heart
On your sleeves of wonderful art
Each tells a story, a reason
Each admired and seen
But it was your heart
That wanted to be seen, heard
It was your heart that had the reasons
Of why you were art itself
Your skin adored
But it was the heart that yearned
A canvas for black ink, worn proudly
An uncolored heart, worn openly
You loved the pain of the needle
But you feared the pain of your vessel
Despite it all
You wore your heart on your sleeve
Aching to be filled, colored
To tell its story, its love
Your most beautiful tattoo
Is the empty outline
Of where your love should be

What were you thinking about
The night before?

Did you hold me as we slept
To memorized the touch?

Did you look at me
To remember my features?

When you said goodnight
Was that a prelude to goodbye?

Was the night before
The last time you loved me?

What were you thinking about
As you kissed me goodnight?

Was that kiss
The last we'd ever shared?

Were you thinking about
Our final night together?

Did you feel my heartbeat
Felt it whole before breaking it?

The night before
Were you mine?

The night before
Did you wish it was different?

Did you look at the clock
To count the last hours of us?

Did you feel asleep
Still thinking of me?

What were you thinking of
The night before?

What were you thinking of
Before you whispered "no more"?

Did you wait all night
For the sight of dawn?

Did you dream instead
That it would never end?

What were you thinking of
As you saw my resting eyes?

What were you thinking of
As you cried for the last time?

The night before
You said goodbye

"If you truly love them, let them go"
But what about me?
I did the right thing
Yet here I am, hurting and crying
Wondering when it will stop
They say that time heals all wounds
But so much time has passed
And the wounds are still there
I did the right thing
But I am punished for it
I let them go so they can be happy
But they left the pain with me

How could you ever understand
The pain that you inflicted upon me
The dreams you left me with
The rerunning of shared moments

You walked away with a smile
While I stayed in the same place, empty
Stayed in the same feelings, hopes
Stuck in place, wondering why

You laughed, you soared, you ran
While I am paralyzed, trapped, clipped
Weighed down by the memories and emotions
You gave it back to me when you were done

You made new friends, new memories
I withdrew from mine, from myself
I hit replay every hour, every day
Holding what was left in vain

You looked forward, head held high
Mine dropped low, looking back
I called you my everything
You called me a steppingstone

How could you ever understand
When you can't even empathize
How could I ever understand
When I can't even let go

All of my demons stayed quiet
Because we all loved listening to you

When the scent finally fades
From the pillows and covers
When I can't find strands of hair
On my clothes and carpet

When I redecorate the place
To fill empty spaces
When the profile is deleted
From all of the subscriptions

When I buy fewer groceries
Just to make meals for one
When I change the locks
Carrying the only key

When I stop checking
My phone and socials
When I stop saying goodnight
Because there's no good morning

When I stop hoping
For a dream long gone
When it finally hits me
Of how different life is

That's when I will realize
You are truly gone

When we crossed paths again
The only intimacy that was shared
Were our shadows overlapping
And even then
Yours was the first to leave