Your life is so empty it's scary.

I think about death a lot lately. Again.
I don't need positive crap, or fake hope.
I thought maybe I need someone. But no, someone is not what I need too.
Maybe I should do something, I did.
But still, the worms inside keep moving whatever I do.
I can feel my flesh melting, finding its way between my ribs.
Suddenly a storm of fireworks start to raise my body temperature to the extent I have to take off my own skin.
I do take off my clothes when I feel like taking off my skin. Mom hates that, she doesn't know how it feels to burn alive from the inside so it's ok.
I don't really want to die, but the black hole inside me won't just leave me alone.
Dad says I should look at myself in the mirror and talk to her, encourage her, but all I want is to take her out of the mirror and tear her apart into very little chewy pieces.
Death, it's a weird thing to dream about in my twenties.

The problem is that loving someone in the wrong way and not loving him looks the same.

For the last couple of days , I’ve been going through one of my many depressive episodes.

Medically, these episodes don’t meet the criteria  to be called “depressive” .
But I call them that because they remind me of the times when I was medically psychologically officially depressed.
Same darkness, same hopelessness.

Yesterday my mood wasn’t low. It was underground. Strong enough to drag me with it and watch me gasping for my breath, and laugh.

But yesterday was different.
for the first time I was depressed, but not lonely.
I had a chest under my head, a hand in my hair, and whispers in my ear: I love you, it’s ok.

Yesterday, for the first time, I wanted to beat my depressive episode.

I don’t care anymore
To the extent I can jump
Of a skyscraper
Without even looking down

He loves me
But he’s not in love with me
And it’s breaking my heart
But how can I explain?

I just need to tell someone I want to die, then hold hands and take a walk.

It was like a kid
Opening the gift
He waited for
For too long
Then found
An empty box
When I
Waited for too long
To be alone with you
Then you fell asleep
Alone
In my bed.

فقدتُ اهتمامي بكلّ شيء، يرتديني الضجر، و لا صبر لي لانتظار النهايات، أو الاستماع لأحدهم يتحدثُ عن يومه. أبترُ مقطوعة موسيقية لأبدأ من وسط أُخرى، أكتفي بمشاهدة عشر دقائق من الأفلام، أقرأ صفحةً من كلّ كتابٍ بجانب سريري، و لا أجلسُ في مكان واحد لما يزيد عن دقيقتين.

I no longer care about anything.
boredom covers my body, and I can't even be patient enough to wait for the end, any end, or to hear you talking about your day.
I cut one peace of music to start from the middle of another one. I watch 10 minutes from each movie and read a page from each book on my desk.
I can't stay in one place for more than two minutes.
And I'm bored. I'm bored with people, life, and myself.

I promised
To never miss you
To never look back
But how can I
When all of me
Belongs to the corner of your lips

I promised
To never say your name
To forget your shiny neck
To forget the love and the pain
But how can I
When you’re the only way
For me, you’re the only way.

I promised
To **** you one hundred times
But knives became roses
And white flags are up
in front of your heavenly eyes

I promised
And promised
And promised

And I lied.

You realize how stupid you are
When you look at your heart
An see how you let someone
To cause all of these bruises
In the name of love

Sometimes
I light a small candle
Thinking that you might notice me
Maybe you’ll remember
I’m here
Somewhere
Alone
In the dark
But instead
You come
And Pour gasoline
On me
You use my candle
To set me on fire
And watch me
Burning
Alone
In the dark

My desire to die is sneaking into my heart again but this time it’s wearing a white dress and a veil.

For those who are the future:
Don’t use your freedom as a red carpet for a popular pop singer, or a president.
Don’t walk on it to get a phone that is smarter than you!
Don’t hate, erase all the lines on the map, unite your nationalities to “ human”, let love spread through the oceans.
Don’t be racist, racism pulls the nations back, and the souls down.
Don’t be a slave for the brand of your shirt, for the kardashians granddaughters lips, or for the green paper.
Don’t be a slave for the nothingness, for what will be gone.

I don’t want to be a princess.
I prefer to be a wall
or a shoulder
that some one can lean on
I don’t want to be spoiled
I want to
fight
Get dirt on my clothes
Clean them
search more
fail more
know more
see everything
Try everything
I want to share the road
With some one
Running not carried
I want to look behind
And see MY footprints.

With you
I was a human glass
Half full
Half empty
Half of perfections
And another of flaws
You used to always dip your fingers
In my full, watery, perfect half
And play
Spilling it here and there
Till I had nothing but a very little muddy water in the bottom
You decided to water your plants by
And put the empty glass next to many others.

You
Is the answer of everything
And that terrifies me sometimes
The fact that you
Are everything now.

You look at the mirror
realize that you changed for someone else
How much you hate it
You start searching for yourself again
You search for the stories you used to hide
For the poems you wrote behind your face
You search for your little secrets hanging on the corner of your lips
For the curses in your eyes
You search for the things you hided untill they were forgotten
And the things you forgot utill they disappeared
unill you disappeared
And the only thing you can see
Is a fake reflection on the mirror.
....
تنظرُ إلى المرآة
و تعي في لحظة واحدة أنّك تغيّرت لأجل أحدهم
تكرهُ نفسك
تبحثُ عن قصائدك المُخبّأة خلف وجهك
عن الأسرار المُعلّقة عند زاوية فمك
تبحثُ عن الشتائم في عينيك
و الغضب في حنجرتك
عن الأشياء التي خبّأتها إلى أن نسيتها
و نسيتها إلى أن اختفت
إلى أن اختفيت
و لا يبقى منك سوى انعكاس كاذب
على المرآة

I followed my heart
And now I’m in the bottom.

Hello sunshine
I’m going to try
But only this time

Hey life
Please don’t give me lemons
I’m too tired to make lemonade
No need to show your weapons
If you stare, then I’m scared

Mr. Night, salam
Salam means peace
And it’s all I’m asking for
Hide me away from the demons
And I promise I’ll hurt myself no more

Cry
Sigh
Die

And believe me little girl: there’s nothing you can do for someone who chose to be sad.

I would like to punch this headache in the face.

His head on my lap
But I still have this question
Why is there a gap?
My heart and my brain
Are in two different directions
The heart feels warm
A little bit cozy and safe
The brain is a storm
Wishing he could hide in a cave

I have a hell inside
That’s why my eyes shine so bright.

I started hiding parts of me until they’ve  got mad and left.

I told him:
Making me happy is not easy
Since my happiness hides
Between the smallest details
In the tones of my favorite song from the next car window
Under the buttons of my sky-blue dress
In how berries taste after 18 hours of work
In strangers smiles and between the lines of my beloved ones letters
Under the golden rays and on the iced cotton *****
In things that can’t be sold or purchased, but made and felt.

I suddenly realized
I have a very big hole
In my heart
That everyone I know
Fall of

What if the house you've always wanted to buy wants to be empty  ?

I hate you
But I can’t stay away from you.

Yes
I smoke
I burn my soul wrapped in a paper
So you could see that I’m burning

No one believes you’re on fire
Unless he sees the smoke

I can
Imagine spending my life
Drinking from your mouth
My red wine
Smoking your fingers
Geting high on your breaths
Touching every cell of you
Hearing their stories
With every cell of mine.
.
I can
Imagine waking up everyday
To your hair on my face
Your cold feet touching mine
Your stomach nagging for bacon
And your lips starving for a kiss
.
I can
Imagine you as happiness
And sadness
anger
peace
love
As ups and downs
smiles and tears
As roses and thrones
Heaven and hell
Fire and rain
as the good thing in every one of them
.
I can
Imagine you as life
As reality.