two o'clock in the morning
your eyes glow against the moon
who would have know that i
would fall so hard, so soon?

three o'clock in the morning
whiskey and a cigarette
there stood a sweet young couple
who looked a bit upset

four o'clock in the morning
the music is winding down
everyone is sleeping
not a soul makes a sound

five o'clock in the morning
she refuses to tell him goodbye
as soon as that car leaves the lot
she feels like she is going to die

six o'clock in the morning
the smell of coffee is bold
she's making banana pancakes
for two, though alone and cold

seven o'clock in the morning
she saw him in her dreams that night
it crippled her upon waking
she almost forgot his beautiful eyes

eight o'clock in the morning
he needed to hear her voice
the only thing that could calm him
so he was left with little choice

nine o'clock in the morning
she watched the sunrise and cried
he had absolutely no idea
her denial of love was a lie

She never finished the deed
for cowardice drowned her instead
She never got better, though,
living with voices in her head
She never told anyone
and that she soon came to regret
She never told her mother
that her daughter would soon be dead

I'm sick of burying my friends.

I'm sick of saying that I'm sick of burying my friends.

I'm sick of planning ******* candle light vigils.

I'm sick of funerals, sick of grief, sick of the hole in my chest that keeps getting bigger.

We are so young. How are so many of us already dead? Why is it that every few months, someone that I love leaves this Earth?

It's not fair.

I'm sick of saying it's not fair.

I'm sick of "I wish i got to see you under better circumstances, but I missed you." I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of watching friends and parents and spouses and children cry. I'm sick of reminiscing on stories and looking at photos from lifetimes ago, when things were simple and we were happy.

I'm sick of "they'll always be with you."

I'm sick of "they live on through us."

I wish they'd just live.

Once i was seven years old, a dream had told me
one day i'd be married under palm trees
Once i was seven years old

I was a girl with a plan but you thought yours was better
You pushed me close to the edge then sent me sweet love letters
By eleven i was broken, crying in your sweater
Never again would i fall, you couldn't stand the pressure

Once i was eleven years old, my brother told me,
don't worry 'bout these boys just get your money
Once i was eleven years old

i always had that dream like my brother before me
so i started working, grinding, started stacking money
Everyone called me honey, cause i was still so sweet
I didn't let the riches change me, never folded in heat

Once i was sixteen years old, the parties got old
The morning after was always so gloomy
Once i was sixteen years old

I almost went to jail, almost ruined my future
who would want to be around a girl that's so stupid?
I had my boys with me, at least that was in my favor
Then those same boys went and put my ******* life in danger

Once i was eighteen years old, being alone got old
I went and found someone who was there at night to hold me
Once i was eighteen years old

Soon we'll be thirty years old, our story pretty bold
We got married barefoot under the palm trees
Soon we'll be thirty years old

Little ones learning about life, our love is constantly growing
I'm so happy as his wife, he's what keeps me going
Most of my friends are in jail, dead or close to dying
I did my best to save them but they just kept justifying
and its so hard to talk to someone when their ego's showing

If I reach sixty-years old, then he'll reach sixty-five
We'll sit back and reminisce of simpler times
When we were young and happy dancing in a waterfall
with nothing to lose because we'd already lost it all

If I don't reach sixty-years old, will my story be told?
Or should i write a book detailing everything?
If i don't reach sixty-years old

If I don't reach sixty-years old, will my story be told?
Or should i write a book so you wont miss a thing?
If i don't reach sixty-years old

Once i was seven years old, a dream had told me
one day i'd be married under palm trees
Once i was seven years old

Once i was seven years old...

She started living for herself, finally, after years of doing what everyone else wanted.
She quit her job and her makeup routine, finally letting that beautiful face of hers breath.
She started writing more, inspiration finally found it's way back to her veins.
She was reborn, like a phoenix from ashes, and finally figured out how to be alive again.

More than just something
Just shy of it all
Pick me up when I am down
Dust me off when I fall
A beacon of beauty
As your eyes fill with light
Guiding the way back
When I'm lost in the night
Your secrets are safe
As my mouth is zipped shut
And your love is a potion
That seals every cut
My darling, I dare you
Just give yourself to me
And I'll make you as happy
As you will ever be

If someone were to make you, where would they begin?
Would they need a bowl, a cookie sheet, or some kind of molded tin?
Would you be sweet, a little sour, or even have a kick?
Would it be the knife that cut you, or the spoon from which they lick?
Would they start with cream to soften, or flour to make you thick?
Would the eggs just make you runny, or would they make you stick?
Would you need lemon zest, or pepper flakes, or chocolate chips?
Would you melt inside their mouths, or would you burn their lips?
Would you rise inside an oven, or would you boil above a flame?
Would they have memorized the recipe, or would they only know the name?

My scars are footprints
pressed in the smooth sand, fading,
salted by the tears of the ocean,
but persistent against the tide.

My map has been drawn
by leaves in the wind, blowing,
following the path of the broken,
but offering no place to hide.

My heart plays a song
with a slow tempo, beating,
calling to the strong souls still hoping,
but unheard by the ones who died.

Follow the footprints if you trace my skin.
Use my map as a guide if I can't let you in.
Listen to my song if words aren't my friend.
And I will love you,
With all that I have left.

A wonderfully wise and awakened man once said,
"**** myself or love myself, which is the treason?"
and that is a question that roams and moans in my mind
i have an army of searchers inside my skull
scouring for the answer, looking for a sliver
of sense to provide clarity through my abundance of clouds
and this man was an honest poet and a belligerent drunk
though he is famous in his life and even after his death
but if I were to die five minutes ago, where are the tears?
who would be holding their knees to their chest in fear
of their skin running away and their bones shattering in pain
Would there be at least one soul to moan into the night
when they think that no one is listening to their begging
and pleading to the stars to send me back into their arms?
If I were to die an hour ago, would there be a news broadcast
in the honor of a teenage girl who did too many drugs and
wrote words with a unique penmanship that mixed print
and cursive in a construct of phrases that made little sense
to anyone that didn't also have their own army inside their skulls?
So, I pose this question to myself every day in the bathroom mirror:
"**** myself or love myself, which is the treason?" and I hope,
if i prove to be wrong and an afterlife carries our souls upon the arrival
of a hearse to our homes and a tear to our parents' eyes that the wise
and wonderfully awakened man had found his answer,
but did not understand it. For I am crippled by the fear of not knowing,
though also by the thought of being content and no longer looking
deeper than the valence shell of my own twisted and sad mind.

Aerosmith on vinyl
Your hand on my throat
Listen to Toys In The Attic
I'll be your toy, Make me choke
Kiss me ever so softly
While your lips tell me jokes
Send chills down my spine
When I smell your cologne

Show me your favorite songs
Tell me your crazy stories
I want to know who you are
I just want you to adore me
Look through my eyes to my soul
Hands all over my body
Steal the air from my lungs
I swear you're killing me softly

Trees blow in the wind
Leaves jump into the unknown
Power provokes flight

I don't want to count the crows
Don't want to focus on my woes
When life has me in it's throws
I don't need another omen

I don't want to watch the stars
And wonder where you are
I'd rather you pick up the call
Than hear the line ring open

I don't want to hear that voice
Telling me that you made a choice
When we should just rejoice
Instead of stand here frozen

I don't want to say goodbye
I want you to be alright
Don't want to beg the open sky
Or cry a ******* ocean

I don't want to count the crows
I want you to come home
Without you, you must know
How many hearts will be broken

She exhaled, smoke floating from the lips that longed to be pressed against his. The taste of tobacco and chemicals lingered as she watched the cloud dissipate. She sighed and turned her attention to the trees swaying outside, naked with the exception of a thin layer of snow. The sun was finally falling out of view, painting the sky pink and purple on the horizon. She put the cigarette to her lips again, so routinely, as she has done for six years, and she waited. Anxiety grew within her, for the moon was not rising fast enough. She was anxious because she knew with each falling of the sun and rising of the moon, she was even just the slightest bit closer to holding the whole world in her arms again. Her eighteen year old body carried such an enormous weight because she was helpless. She spent every minute trying to rush the stars into shining in the night and the birds into chirping in the morning, to bring her closer to the most grand reunion. Meanwhile, all she could do was chainsmoke to pass the time.

If I were to see you,
I don't think I could say a word
For I'd be much to captivated
And every phrase would be misheard

If I were to touch you,
I think I just may faint
For your skin is a canvas
That my fingers yearn to paint

If I were to kiss you,
My lips would catch on fire
For my body and my heart are scared
Of the love that may transpire

If I were to lose you,
I would simply fall apart
For you know the truest me
Darling, you've stolen my whole heart.

Waking up from a dead sleep, trying to come back to reality
I reach for you on the other side of the bed, shaking
You're too far away, for inches feel like miles between us
My hands find their way to your skin in the pitch dark room
Eyelids flutter like butterfly wings as you begin to awake
Far too familiar with this routine in the middle of the night
When I find a way to escape my worst fears in that alternate world
And come back home, out of breath with waterfalls of tears
You sit up and pull me onto your chest, kissing my forehead
And the two of us sit in silence as a tangled mess of limbs
Until my breathing evens out and my heartbeat becomes steady
And once again, you save me from the horrible nightmares

Too many times
I've cried
Over poems
I write
About the sadness
That lies
Inside the shadows
Of life
It's now time
To realize
The moon does
Produce light
And my walls
Say goodbye
As I embrace
The night

Broken.
Frozen by her fears.
She stares into the sky and waits to see something to set her free.
Her own father has left now.
No stability in her life.
She stares into the sky because the stars have never let her down.
A beauty, so rich and so pure, she only hopes to be seen by someone, someday, as their own precious star.
She sees herself as nothing but a black hole.
Her tears fall and disappear, leaving a dark mark on her sleeve like the scars underneath on her wrist.
Her pain over taking her strength, introspective and introverted as she hides behind glassy eyes as she stares into the sky for help.

When you love someone, and they tear your heart to shreds
It's difficult to let someone else in your head
Your pain eats at you every minute you're awake
The fear consumes you as you wait for the heartbreak
The what if?'s and the who's she?'s collect so quickly
You find yourself questioning your love's loyalty
Presented with proof, you don't want to believe it
It's happening again, why can't he be honest?
This is what he preaches, you know, truth above all
Promising he'll be there to catch you when you fall
You accept it, you know his war is internal
No one knows except you, him, her, and your journal
He won't admit it, which you just can't understand
Plus he takes care of you, he wants to be your man
You put your walls up, pain hidden by a smile
The worst part? That smile will stay for a while
You will lie down with him, laugh with him, you will stay
Close to nothing in this world will take you away

It is wrong that your voice ignites a fire in me that I thought had died.
It is wrong that your smile makes my heart beat stronger than it ever has.
It is wrong that your laugh brings light to my darkest, coldest days.
It is wrong that your eyes take me away from perilous years of pain.
It is wrong. We are wrong.
You are everything that I always wanted and can never have.
It is wrong that we have been brought together by the universe.
Teasing us.
For we will go our separate ways when the winter comes to a close.
It is wrong.
We are wrong.
And
I've never hated being right so much.

Silence,
a slow death  by the breakdown of the heart
where as one suffers in that middle ground
between love and lust
not knowing their value because it is left
to be determined by someone else

Silence,
when that value is determined
and a man has shown that he is really
a boy who lost the ability to love
and found solace in ***

Silence,
not a word comes from the poor soul
who was left in the rain waiting for her
prince to pick her up and carry her someplace
other than the bedroom for once

Silence,
from the boy and his family when the
news reporter stood behind the screen,
in front of the house of the girl who
had given more than she had to give

Silence,
except for the tears of her brothers
and her family who are now without
a teenager with a bad temper and bad
habits though they loved her anyway

Silence,
the boy has not spoken a word
in months because every thought he
has is chewed up and swallowed by
the unbearable guilt of hurting her

Silence,
not even the wind kissed my ears
when I stood on top of her grave looking
down at the name of the girl who for
so long had been broken and bruised

You terrified me
The only real thing I have ever felt
You wanted my heart, my soul
Made love to my mind
I could not explain what I felt
But when my life fell to shambles
I was alone and you were so far
It terrified me
The only thing that could help me
I needed your warmth, your voice
Put my nightmares to rest
I could not explain what I felt
And alcohol only keeps you so warm
I was alone and you were so far

The way i see it, we each have plans,
of which the end goals do not align,
and that's fine.

Im happy to spend time with you,
I feel it will be well wasted.

You made me want to write again
Gave me the strength to fight against
the demons that are so obsessed
With keeping me down and depressed

I can't express the copious
amount of thoughts stuck in my head
These feelings need to be addressed
I'm drowning in my own suspense

Said, "Baby use those pretty words"
My lips are sealed shut with a smirk
I hide my fears behind my quirks
Ripping a mask off ******* hurts

You ease the pain with patient eyes
Your kisses help to catalyze
the deconstruction of disguise
My secrets are your greatest prize

My walls begin to crumble down
I hear the bricks break on the ground
It shakes my soul, I love the sound
We can rebuild together now

We grew together, all the while I was blind to how much I loved you, as I could not yet love myself enough to see I could maybe deserve you. I was just a chipmunk cheeked girl with no stability. But you loved me, from my fresh face to the too-thick black eyeliner. From the white lace of innocence to the black leather of wickedness. Yes, you loved me, from my long brown hair to the short bleached cut when I lost myself. I nearly lost myself. But year after year after year you stood by me, a kind stranger on a bystreet, watching quietly. Knowing better than to jump inside my psyche. I was ravaged and turned savage at such a young age, I needed to grow up and uncage all that unhealthy rage. They say love is patient, and you loved me. Fully. From my sweatpants to my fishnets, and now it makes sense. And you know me, almost better than I think I might know myself. You have seen the worst sides of myself and you are here, after so many years, we could have forgotten about each other. We could have forgotten about each other. But now, after being so blind for so long, I kiss you in my dreams. I wake up with goosebumps, and a hollow feeling in my chest as I long for the way that you feel with your arms wrapped around me, like a snake. I cannot breathe, you have swept me off of my feet. You loved me, from my oversized flannel shirts to my knee high socks. And I loved you from your tie dye shirts to your long soft locks. I was crazy, and I still am, but in a way that I'm sure only you can understand. I love the sound of your laugh and the way that you speak, the way you smile with the corners of your mouth turned up, rarely ever showing your teeth. So please love me, do not lose your sight as I once lost mine because it is so lonely in this world when you go blind to who really loves you.

The first few rain drops are magic
The quiet pitter patter of childrens feet
Faeries jumping on trampolines
Then silence
The calm before the storm
Literally
It swells and the air feels tight
Electricity dances through every hair on every inch of my skin
I choke on the anticipation
I wait and i shake
The atmosphere is thick
Planes sound like earth quakes
The raindrops fall faster now
Harder by the second
A waterfall pours from the skies
A waterfall pours from my eyes
Sweet release
I fall apart and allow mother nature to cleanse me of my dreams
Of my memories of you
Of your hair under your hat and the way your voice breaks my heart
Your eyes piercing green and the ripple of the river below our feet
I love that version of you with every ounce of my being but that is not the man before me
Im not sure you ever really were
Like the train in the distance you fade
And the last few raindrops are magic

Neon light bounce off your eyes
Frames cast shadows on your face
I watch you talk, and I smile
Music plays loudly in this place
I drown it out with such an ease
Hearing your voice as clear as day
Can't believe you're looking at me
Sometimes I don't know what to say
But today, I know, I'm the lucky one
The one you've chosen to spend your time with
We go out and everyone is looking at
A style and class that is timeless
You are kind, you are honest, and good
The kind of man everyone wants to be
Women fawn and stare, as they should
I'm so thankful that you've chosen me

It's the same broken record, why can't I take it off the track
I give so much of myself and I receive nothing back
Unimportant, I just want to be a priority
But you always have an excuse for what you lack

I must really be whack to have to beg for your attention and time
Shouldn't have to ******* sit here trying to find a way to rhyme
The way you make me feel like I don't matter
I'm sick of the constant disappointment and asking why

Don't wanna cry, don't wanna have to track you down because you lie
Don't want to have to call the bartender to see if you're still inside
You should just ******* keep your word
I show you how much it hurts me, atleast you apologize

But you don't change, the ******* stays the same
The disappointment remains and I try to build a case
To leave you, cut ties, move on with my life
But for some God forsaken reason i need you, it's strange

Why do I do this to myself? I must be crazy, I probably need some ******* help
I'm disgusted by how much I love you when you leave me on a shelf
To go about your day, I don't matter to you
But you say I do, then you cop a ******* attitude

As if I did something wrong, are you serious?
You can't manipulate me I've seen all this before
I know all the red flags and you're holding a lot more than I even care to ******* admit, I'm sick of it
I wish I had the strength, I gave you a rock but should've told you to kick it

Belligerent, at the bar all ******* hours, while I'm sitting home alone crying dreaming about the life i wish could be ours.
You leave a sour taste in my mouth, my hands shake in anger over the words I can't get out
I'm tired

He kissed me, laying on the hood of my car. It rained on his back and in my hair as he looked down from on top of me. I felt peace in his eyes, a trust.

November 11th 2020, 4:08 AM