wander while I ponder
wonder when I'm farther
out sea, just me, pisces
underwater, wonder if I can feel thunder
running from each other
wonder who can go farther
light green, I am a rusty lover
underneath, wonder if I can get better

3 years deep at least
hiding from yourself more than me
honesty is healing, your honestly killing me
why would you
say that, i need payback
say that, when you knew that
it was lies, projecting all the time
i let your into my house, into my life

blindsighted
i've stopped trying
this whole time, you were a fraud lying
blindsighted
i'm done crying
these bold lies, you were a fraud hiding
snake eyes, snake lips
jealous, bitter, narcissistic scripts
sweet nothings, fake adoration
this i could never predict

happy holidays, fresh white snow
eggnog ***** and fuzzy robes
red nose reindeer and frost-bitten toes
jingle bells and warm throws
happy holidays, hot black coal
SZA's SOS album and ctrl
apple pies and chip-filled bowls
cinnamon candles and a hearty soul

releasing this album has to be the hardest thing I have ever done
always wanted to but shame suppressed
hundreds of files, hundreds of tears wept
my heart painted across instrumentals and melodies
nervous, will people get me?
get the metaphors, get the meaning
purpose, will I let me?
embark on a journey toward the sun
leave everything I hated having to become
shed a few layers, re-introduce me
climbing to the top, sorry excuse me

gave you a mile
but you wouldn’t even take an inch
tried to be sweeter
just a pinch
tried to be a holiday
to the grinch
i tried to love someone tactless
i cried too much for a fake prince

i am a robot
stuck behind all these roadblocks
what came first?
the road or the blocks
i wish i didn’t give a ****
i wish i understood what it was
riddled with curiosity, plagued with confusion
never understanding the extent of my emotion
i am a robot
i am a token
i was made to be used
made to be broken

i love being in a pitch-black room
the void, the lack thereof
cannot see my fingers or
the things i could never love
it's the peace i crave, my hidden cave
no one to tend to
no one to pretend to
i love being in a pitch-black room
no peeking, just sleeping
dreaming of things anew
unfolding the possibilities, new brew

wounded by arrows
some missed but some hit
made my heart split
1 half hates, 1 half loves
1 black raven, 1 white dove
balance my mess
balance my loss
painting with the burgundy blood

no pressing crushes, no bruises to poke
losing autonomy, stuck on cruise control
hold me so I can feel something
no blessings are approaching, no stress is revoked
I choke on my sweet words, I am afraid of being hurt
worked until I was blind
numbed until I was fine
pressing buttons, I tried
to get a reaction, to prove our chemistry
to get a response, to prove you needed me
but you didn't
now it has ruined me

i let it all wash away
everything lives in the gray
my body is mine but my time is yours
you can kiss my body while on all fours
sorry to make you think i would
sorry i didn't think i could
get inside you, underneath your skin
confined in the priest all my fresh sins
did not even need any liquor
did not even need the devil

feast for the ancestors who were famished
embrace the familiar damage
bisou bisou, thankful for the room
used to be so stuffy in the old place
i left my feelings of inadequacy in my old ways
old space, watch the page turn
displace metaphors about the days turn
is getting older just getting further from my innocent joy?
is getting older just pretending that i feel joy?
a glimpse of it underneath the books that weigh heavy on my brain
trying to understand everything but neglecting vain
trying to fulfill the expectations expected of me
for my ancestors who were famished
i am grateful for the feast

many moons ago, i wished for growth
my own wishes have been granted
heart filled rivers no longer suspended
thought processes have ascended
became my recommended
became my #1 investment
many moons ago, i held you close
my dread is now all my own
haunted by images, pursuing solo
independent rivers
follow the erratic flow

never been addicted to the pursuit
loaded the gun but i would never shoot
i like where i am, i understand now
just had to see how it panned out
escapist oasis, touching land now
swam in muddy waters, searched for myself
thought i knew better, looked outside myself
follow the river into the ocean’s mouth
swallow my pride and shut my mouth
observe and serve
discern and curve

i feel like i am the only one hanging on
even the wind could blow us apart
your fingertips traced the cracks in my heart
the pieces a mosaic of pain
your disposition in the shadow of vain
how do flowers bloom?
is it natural, too focused on the factual
tunnel vision, student of the actual
if you wanted to, you would
if you sought to, we would

moonlighting, soul finding
i allowed myself room
night lifing, divine timing
i look up to the moon
thankful, grateful
two things I used to be unable
to connect to, reject anywho
shows me anything different than the patterns I have noticed
the patterns are now broken
shackles no longer immobilize me

haunted by your presence
your imprint in my powder
stamped on my heart forever
everything reminds me of you
I wish you didn’t matter
can’t even see pictures of me
without relating them to how you used to be
changed the way i see
pivotal in my evolution, delusional since rejection
been off the market, been on the grind
been second guessing
my part in the tragic fall, maybe i am not such a victim after all
maybe i am not so young and dumb after all
maybe i am better off

kissing silence instead of pushing her away
running away from any type of pain
night-crawling, snoozing all day
night-crawling, losing my days
smoke, smoke, smoke it all away
i can already feel myself elevate
they want me to pay for pills to fix my brain
i shouldn’t have to pay to stay sane

gaslit, bad trip
told my reality wasn’t happening
the present, in the moment
my cover is rupturing
for years i let your words cut me down
for years i let the shame run down
my bleeding face, kept up a violent pace
for who, for what, and why
for me, for you, why do I try
can never be right, stuck in wrong
can never be white, soaking in swan songs

i never second guess its omnipresence
but i do underestimate its lack of reverence
rendered second fiddle to my own body
my own mind, bubbling up inside
i should never second guess its power
thought i was built strong, that i would tower
until it broke me down like salt in water
like a fish out of water
gasping for my life, except theres no threat to see
silence is deafening, voices whispering
ribbons undoing, time i keep losing
i should never second guess its control
simply riding the monstrous waves as they come
i finally learned to swim, the first couple years nearly did me in
hide in shadows and caves, played the mind games
and i lost
tried to scale the waves
and i lost
i keep losing
anxiety keeps brewing
a fresh *** daily like your favourite brewery
pretty till broken like jewelry
imprison by my own cells
lacking in unity

leave room for progress
planning out my dreams laying on your chest
life is so sweet, so perfect
life is so good, am i deserving?
ive been hurt before, ive wished for more
but right now i am content
i am no longer drowning in my head
no longer wishing on candles for your hand
to intermingle with mine, to rewind the times
to when you got me high
once upon a life, prince and knight
oh our love story
was clearer than blue skies

an anaconda squeezing its meal
you just wanted to feel
to reap
a panda chewing bamboo trees
you were on cruise control
never knew the damage you caused
your negligence, oh my god

our love bloomed
the wind drifted us apart
was this my story from the start
the man who saved me from the well
the only man who ever helped
set me free, unearthed me
but my freedom is riddled with flashbacks
of my hands gripping your back
my perpetual prince, your absence weighs heavy
my perpetual prince, keep me second guessing

goon in love
too soon to trust
that's my inner dialogue, just a fire moving along
gazing above
wondering what watches over me as I repeat the mistakes set out forth for me
generational trauma, nature works in cycles
generational drama, focus on plastic idols
daydreams in the white room
unfaithful to the divine fruit

producing buckets on buckets of mucus
in my bed being useless
Wondering why i am so **** useless?
my brain won’t work, my body is disconnected
not even sure what I am representing??
Who am I repping, too busy tripping?
both ways, on the via rail today
thinking of the things i say
Was that me, am i too deep?
shallowness is not appealing to me
rather dive into mysteries
you like that i am an enigma
curated chaos charisma
you like that i am an enigma
surfing on tsunamis, dissolving sigma
I S A A C ?
I S A A C the enigma

clean fit, ***** city
manz gripping the waist because i’m too pretty
breaking it down on Yonge street
breaking it down for the young me
that had to hide, inner child suicide
now i surf the waves and follow the tides
imagining what it would be like
to be a son of skyscrapers
imagining what it could be like
if i left my nest i’ve built
home is where the heart is
but where is mine
i think i found it in the rainbow

the one who cuts us, we become
spew the same venom, too numb
to reflect, reject, the rejection
instead harness the sweetness
that grew bigger and bitter
burdens piling on top of each other, stressing out each other
cats in cars, birds in caves
displaced, misplaced, disrespectful space
where is the worldly womb
too tired of this white room
100 nights awake in this room
100 nights without you

I was always frightened
hiding from what happened to happen
constantly stressed no come down for the wicked
apprehensive to tenderness
running from abandonment
no rest for the wicked

I was always dodging
insults, punches, and negativity
didn't believe that love would kiss me on the cheek
these hounds, hounds of love are after me
I can’t come out of my warped fantasy
I run and jump; the sea catches me
too afraid to confront what is happening

king of rats
mediumship, situationships
dreams showing me your daily slips
your kiss with her, your lips on his
your hands on him, your striptease
pretty please you begged me
pretty please you strung me along
all along, declined your calls
thank god, he had some sense
thank god, I never sent that text
thank god, I let it drift off into the ocean
nature will take its course, I will heal my corpse
writing stories until my dreams show me
the next thing, my next path
I will align, I build an altar, a waft
crossing the waters, no knife in my back

all the wells are empty
the wars are lost
all the children cry
but we focus on our capital instead
homeless crowd the streets but we blissfully sleep
in our egyptian cotton sheets, in our bed of lies counting sheep
praying away all the evil eyes
welcome to the end times