my propensity  
to manifest demons into people
consistently projecting
the tragedies of my own imagination
into other people
my desire to eject
leaves me like the cockroaches
hungry and filthy
but i didn’t make me
right?
theres nothing in me that wants it
why can’t i starve
the deep hate
eat the world’s abundance
decadent and I, undeserving
i’m tired of not feeling something
only feeling nothing
drive my skin against the walls
that i built up
just to long for them to fall
but it’s not me
no accountability
ready
it’s you and me
i need purity
to know you want me
not just me in you
you make me feel nothing close of void
sleep with me
just me
i promise i don’t see

ages it’s felt like you’re mine
you let me come inside
naked and true
there are no lies
i’ve adopted all the ways to hate myself
selfish demise
it’s gone when i look in your eyes
nothing feels lonely
get close with me
release bursting between

artificial limbs cover whats broken
amongst our lives
like a bed wetter’s dream
i long to leave the world speechless
leave out the casualties
but keep my own
implosion of the manic depressive
beautiful and perfect

easy to swallow
my shallow ego dies
at the thought of showing
the blueprints to myself
because ambiguity is my strength
alone and lonesome
he finds comfort on the cold floor

tears bleed out for you
and now few days go by
where i want to be beneath
six feet below the terrain
this is my declaration of inner peace
to banish away all the pieces broken
from the hateful beings
of before our time
the lines of happiness
that i would shoot up in me
have lost their gilded shine
now they’re just fragments of my childish despair
you’re all the drug i need

give me your pain
let me take it all
like the man i am
my filthy hands can feel the scars
behind your breast
the healed incisions of years before
i only want to give you everything i can
in exchange for your discomfort
i want to bear your heart’s burdens
you brace for the unknown
every time you feel alive
i pray to you my god every night
so that i may keep your heavenly embrace
and never feel the malice that’s left
your eyes show what’s unsaid
it’s only fair to bring you back from the dead

you’re beautiful to me
my daytime apparitions
wet with my own grace
i look into you
my scars laid into you
insecurities of my shadows
sweetness laid into you
ripe withholding your touch for days
smiling for me
brightness laid into me
your power inescapable
deliver to me your sincerest affections
your taste diffuses my inhibition
for a creature of excess
you’re more than enough for me

the world will sell you something fake
and its lies will seem real
if you want to believe

white lies are simply just the truth refracted
in order to keep us pushing
its warm embrace feels safe
but like a lying mother
its tight grip is suffocating

her warmth revealing itself
as radiation rather than devotion
activating the cancers within us
just to **** what she was meant to take care of

never look down
it’s weak
never miss what’s lost
it’ll never be found
move forward
be your own god
give thanks to the lord
because his reflection is yours
you’re your own creator
this is your world now

i waited for you
and it’s not fair to ask
but i’m astonished that you’ve waited too

no one seems to invest in anything
a risky bet is not for the faint of heart
years of agony have fixed that fear for me
no longer can i practice inaction
for the safe bet of sorrow
is waiting for me in bed

this morning you awoke before i did
the emptiness my bed provides me
repulsed me
and i can promise you that without you
my impulses will always have me search
for the parts of you in everything
like i did when i waited

don’t ever come back
you left and that’s fine
it’s always been fine to me
i should have cheated on you
because as confusing as it was
i never loved you
you never wanted me
what you think you hold
this guiding beacon of myself
that i held onto dear
what you stole
and **** on
isn’t my only grace
if only you were to face yourself
for the **** *******
living behind those empty ******* words
bending the truth and reality
with all your disgusting lies
your departure left few and heavy cries
like a dead great uncle
you meant nothing to me

kiss away my pain
softly please
all i can ask for
is that you don’t hate my dismay
because somehow someway
after yesterday
when you kissed me
i got the rush
that i once felt in the dizzy of our laughter
and this morning it hasn’t gone away

i wish for my own good
but my truth is the weight of my option

i’ve only found that my true illumination
comes from darkness that covers my sight
from the pressure created inside

precision to
envision what i need
my wants
are very difficult to place
ritalin though
helps me
but i can’t imagine the continuation of what feels like a sin
wording is everything
i’ve only tried it ten times
******* pornographic depictions of your ******* fixations
fuel my motivation for more
to give you and i the world
and continue to love you my little *****
i shouldn’t say these things
but the nasty ways
we profess our love
are the most raw and beautiful displays
of human nature

second choice boys
and last choice girls
live in the realm of abandonment
they scream into the void
unrequited love and its sorrowing embrace
feel like a swan dive
the butterflies soon rot away in you
as if they regress back to caterpillars
and feast upon your insides
they grow just to consume you
to eat away at your everything
the sad truth to the friendly hugs that feel empty and cold
they will never love you
it’s best i tell you first
before you’re too old

intrusive thoughts help me sell my soul
i want the love of all
can prayers to the unholy one
who resides in my head
help me achieve my desire
for opulence and adoration
or will it feast on my insecurity
until i have nothing left to offer

each doubt in my mind
feels like a break in the atmosphere
inexplicable apologies flood my already clouded mind
there’s a lot in this life i want
you’re more than each to me
sad eyes
****** walls
and overwhelming feelings that control me
when the night falls
new moon clearing the air
of what’s unsaid
telling you all the ways I want me dead
i want to know what eats you
the cardinal tragedies that keep us apart
all day i silently search for blueprints to your heart
too afraid to ask
i have to face my fears if i want you

i lay here hollow
for you to fill the spaces between my temperaments
im so sorry i have enough anguish for the both of us
and that it may feel you can’t stand the burden of your own around me
But the lovely things between each switch
bring me unimaginable hope
That one day you can feel the same
i will repent every misery laid onto you
because im undeserving of your heart
im undeserving of your embrace
feelings i fight that say I’m undeserving of you
may one day i can awake
feeling that I deserve you as my only faith

im starting to realize
i don’t eat
im afraid to chew
scared to gain more than an ounce
i thought this fear died
when the hate did
but when you’re gone
i don’t want to fight these pangs
giving in to their tiresome lull
maybe one day i can be as small as i feel
but that’s not the truth
i just want to feel like a man
longed for and strong
instilling fear in those who challenge me
until then i might eat
even more so in hopes that maybe
i can tear open my insides
to become beautiful on the outside

i  am not a man
***** made at best with a lack of quality control
i cry shamefully
waiting for the day
to find that my heart has officially grown cold
like all the good boys
that receive their praise
what id give not to ask
but to only receive
just for one moment
i want to feel
what it feels like to be treated like necessity
and not a burden
i long for everything that will never be mine