Sleep has lost me.
Desperately
trying to remember the steps
of how I once was there,
how in the beginning I felt so safe
I could melt
and dream
in her comfort,
I am awake
on the edge of the bed.
I stare
unable to find my way back
wondering
how I ever found her to begin with.

It is not often that I am
awake.
Eyes are open, but the view is aerial.
The mind in autopilot,
the body moves automatically.
A spectator to my own life,
Control eludes me.
Until suddenly,
I have a glimpse.
Consciousness grows.
My hands grasp
At the opportunity, Unwilling to let go.
I plunge into darkness.
Willing to submit to defeat.
The first conscious decision.
And, the last
as my autonomy
gradually
Drifts.

Who is the fool?
We are playing a game.
One of us is it.
Who is it?

I chase you in circles when,
I pin you underneath my thighs
Thrusting myself into self proclaimed
Victory.
But,
you escape.

And now, I am the hunted.
You sneak through open doors
Blinding any semblance
Of a vision
I had to be free.

Free of these games
Free of you

I walk away forfeiting
Only for you to remind me
Of the moments where
I almost
Had you.
And the game starts
Again.

You say the fool is me.
I say the fool is you.

I don’t know who is winning.
I do know
Be careful with a fool.

My fingers are numb.
Pressing down on each chord,
I strum hoping to make a tune.
I hear a vague melody
Muffled by the uncoordinated digits.

This guitar is the sum
Of what my soul can afford.
With my relationships pruned,
These strings give me clarity.
Your facade fractured my spirit.

“I’d watch grass grow with you.”
A line I swore was true.
Unable to see the difference
Between a chorus
And
a verse.

How long did you know I was blood in the water?

As I lie awake, I wonder all the things I missed.
How I was fooled when we kissed.
Every time you spoke of dreams they were hollow.
And my mind kept reeling in imaginary bliss.

How long did you know I was blood in the water?

I wonder if it was the way I bought into your embrace.
Staring each night at the silhouette of your face.
I took each word as proof.
But in the end, it was the truth.
I never really knew you.

How long did you know, I was blood in the water?

I remember this line that sunk into my soul.
You said you needed me to make you whole.
Like what you wanted to shoot through your veins.
I guess thats when I should have known.
You'd only bring me pain.

But all along...
You knew...

I was blood in the water.

What do you gain from still calling me?
You're so caught up in my perception of you.
It was always about you.
You seem to have it figured out,
Until the dust has settled
And you're left standing
Scared of who you truly are
And what you really want.

I was always the dramatic one.
The crazy one.
But I was the honest one,
Chasing cars and screaming what I believed.
I was fearless.
And now you are standing
Alone
In my tracks
Waiting for the dust to settle.

I still feel your lips on mine,
your hands on my hips,
and hear your words
in my head.
All I want to say is
goodbye
and yet,
it’s like you never left.

As the sun rises,
I see the light dance across your face.
You are asleep
And perfect in your imperfection.
Even the shadows of the blinds
Can't darken my view of you.

I wonder
what it is like to think
clearly,
to focus,
to be free of distraction.
My thoughts are constantly,
interrupted
by your voice,
your touch,
and my memories
of a life that once was
and a dream of what could have been.
Often, my mind wants to lock the door
so you can no longer walk in,
but the hallucinations are too addicting.

I remember
waking up with your blue eyes
staring at me,
an endless ocean of love
I didn’t quite grasp.
Every time you came close,
I couldn’t help
but drown in uncertainty
until those eyes were weathered
by my constant storms.
Wading through a sea of souls,
I often wonder if I will ever
stop seeking those blue eyes.

Brown eyes staring at the wall
Waiting for it all to crash to the ground
Empty bottles scattered all around
I lay my head real close to hear your breath sound.

But I know, I know its just to get to the other side.
My my, pretty brown eyes.
My my, pretty brown eyes.
Don't you see the dreams you can have?
Stop seeking this fog thats dragging you back.

I watch the glaze melt from your gaze.
Clarity brings tears of sincerity.
You crawl to the floor in search of that last drop.
Only to call a man to take you to your next stop.

But I know. I know its just to get to the other side.
My my, pretty brown eyes.
My my, pretty brown eyes.
Don't you know the life you can have?
Stop seeking this fog thats dragging you back.

Brown eyes open to the sky.
A white sheet covers them as they all pass by.
My heart sinks as the sirens turn off.
All I know is another soul is lost.

But I know. I know its just to get to the other side.
My my, pretty brown eyes.
My my, pretty brown eyes.
Didn't you see the love that you had?
You sought this fog that only drug you back.

My my, pretty brown eyes.
My my, pretty brown eyes.

Don't make me miss you.
I am sorry I am a ******* idiot.
Famous last words.
After the fight,
You know what gets me
And provide me a line to catch
When you just need to be released.

A slippery fish flapping through my fingers,
I let go.
After all there are plenty of fish in the sea,
And seldom do prey miss their predator.

In between city buildings
Streets filled with crowded bodies,
Loneliness fills my ears like the high pitched frequency of silence.
I sit in my car staring at the landscape of apartments hovering one
on top
of the other

Desolate like a desert of cement.

My body thirsts for contact.
My heart for meaning.

My head rests on your chest,
listening to the breath that is inhaled
in and out.
Mine just tightens
as I close my eyes and dream
that you loved me.
Hours earlier,
we are locked in sweat and moans.
Your eyes meet mine as you lean forward
and kiss me until I am yours.
You know what you want.
And I whimper in disbelief of the lack of more. "But don't you feel it too?"
You look at me, "of course I feel something.
But not enough to change what I want. And remember I don't fall."
I close my eyes
as I am swept in body heat and caresses.
My heart beats with a hollow sound
that my mind masks
with a dream of your demise.
You don't fall?
Well, I hope you trip as you chase me
when I leave.
But for now, I continue to fall asleep
to the rhythm of your breath
and the fantasy of your affection.

****, you feel good.
Your mouth on mine,
******* all my love
Off my lips.

I know better.
I know being with you takes my soul to dark places.
But, once you start,
I can’t stop.

Every forceful touch,
Every heavy breath,
I willingly
Ask You
....
Devour
Me.

But then what are we left with?

I walk through the doors certain,
My decision determined.
Wishing I still had the keys
to some getaway car,
I lift my head
Just to see open arms
and sunflowers.
Smiles light up the room.
Gratitude for the time I spent,
Blessed at being accepted,
Reminiscent of all the good,
the fulfillment of knowing I will be missed,
Excited at the future I’m headed.
Glad there is no chaotic twist,
I walk out towards my car
And get in.
Unafraid of glancing at the rear view,
I smile and drive forward.

The older I get the more I question whether I have ever truly loved someone.

A year ago, I would have said I did. I stumbled upon this intoxicating feeling of being found. Seen even. ACCEPTED. I saw him as my savior, rescuing me from my demons lurking in the shadows.

It was beautiful the way he looked at me, all knowing. It threw me to my knees. He knelt with me, kissing every indiscretion and ugliness. Praying this would never go away, I willingly surrendered my soul as he sensually sang his love for me.

With each refrain, I found myself converted. Obliviously, giving away my pearls to swine.

Like with every mere mortal, deception is too hard to keep hidden. Shattered with the reality of his facade, all that surrounded me were the demons I was running from.

My fears of his sins confirmed I had been rejected in my most vulnerable state, leaving me with nothing but shame.

A year later, I sometimes think of him and his silver tongue. I think of the flowery lyrics he lured me with and one line. This one line that led me like a lamb to the slaughter, "I would watch grass grow with you, Elisa."

I no longer question why I followed him, because I know.

His soul was broken like mine, just in different places. And as we held each other for redemption, his jagged edges left me bleeding.

Did I ever really love him?

That's the thing with false gods and reckless believers; you love what you think you know: deliverance.

Did I ever really love any of them? Or, did I love the promise of Heaven?

People always claim they want to be free…
Free from their job constraints…
Free of their relationships…
Free of their pressures…
Free to love who they want…
Free to do what they want…
Free to be what they want…
Care free…

What we don’t realize is it is our choices…

Our choices to change,
be content, be present,
to be authentic that allows us to be free.
Freedom is you and everything you want it to be.
So what are you waiting for?
Be free.

Gray skies fill my window.
My heavy eyes open.
Those were the days
When you would hold me
-Wash away
All my doubts.

I open the door.

You slide in
With that look.

I know what this is,

But my clothes
are already on the floor.


Your skin on mine.

Your lips on my neck.

My legs pull you closer,

Simultaneously building

To our release.


As the water beats down our bodies,

You hold me.

And for the first time,

I feel what it is like to be close to you.
Swaying to the sound of the shower,

I know your body is lying to me,

But I so badly want you to prove me wrong

As I cave in
To that moment
Of hope.

In the sheets of my bed,
I can’t seem to get up.
I am being held there
against my will
as I am flooded
with cravings of you.
I wonder if you will ever be able to satisfy
this continuous hunger.

You think you’re slick
with the games you play
and the charm you think you have.
One moment doting
and the next ignoring
because the depth of your love
is as shallow as a puddle on the ground.
I’ve timed when you come around,
sniffing for the ***** in heat.
A constant merry go round of frustration.
But I have news for you,
the only cycle I am on
is my own.

Trouble.
The thing I complain about.
The thing I claim I never want.
The thing that messes with my heart.
The thing that destroys my mind.
The thing that breaks down my ego.
The thing I dream of.
The thing that makes me the fool.

It’s raining.
I feel it on my face,
Dripping down
In defeat.
I look up.
I am the leak.
You always said,
I brought in the sun.
I guess you took it with you.

Your lips.
Your eyes.
Your body.
Your sighs.
Your breath.
My mouth.
My neck.
My thighs.
My head.
My heart.

You’re gone.

Even through all the anger
and disappointment,
I still can’t help but get distracted
by the sound of your voice
as the noise
burns through my thighs,
making my mind race
to that night
where all we heard
were breaths
and hearts
pounding.

My legs quiver
at the touch of your mouth
slowly grazing upward.
I surrender
completely
to the weight of your body
and the grasp you have
on my heart.

You’re trouble.
But I can’t seem to stay away.
My heart pounds when I see you.
Beating like a drum
opening the moment for suspense.
As you get closer,
it pounds louder.
And the only thought I can hear
is the one to make yours pound too.

I’m crashing.
I have chills down my spine
As I flash to that night
Where I was soaring
On top of you.

The withdrawals have kicked in
And my mind can’t seem to turn off.
Up
And
Down
Until I have reached
Euphoria.

I keep blaming you.
Why did you give me that hit?
Just enough to keep me as the beggar
On your corner.
Your prime customer.

But it isn’t your fault.

It is me who is addicted,
to boys afflicted.

Walking in with your blue patterned shirt
My heart begins to flood with hurt
As I think of the first time

You guide me through the sand and reach for my hand
We sink into the ocean view, but all I see is you

And those hazel eyes
That wrapped me up in its see of green
And brightened my soul with their specs of gold
I love you spilling from my lips while you reach for my hips

Each day exactly the same
Oblivious to any time frame
I eat your sweet nothings like my life depends on it
Never realizing nothing is what would come of it
And I wonder how I missed those lying eyes
Hidden

In those hazel eyes
That wrapped me up in its see of green
And brightened my soul with their specs of gold
I love you spilling from my lips while you reach for my hips

How did I fall into this hole
And believe the con within my soul
That these eyes would be the ones I awoke to forever
When what I wake to is the memory of

Hazel lies.

I'm okay.
You don't need to call today.
I licked my wounds.
It didn't matter anyway.

You told me to find some self respect,
as I cried from your neglect.
And you were right.
Oh, you were right.

I didn't need to put up a fight.
I was gonna be just fine.

So Im fine.
Ya just fine.
Weathered your hurricane and came out the other side.
Trust me, Im fine.

You don't need to call today.
It didn't matter anyway.
You asked me why I didn't let it go,
told me I was a fool and now everybody knows.
And you were right.
Oh, you were so right.

I didn't need to put up a fight.
I was gonna be just fine.

So, don't call today.
We both know it didn't matter anyway.
You asked me to find some self respect.
Now I realize, I have no regrets.
And you were right.
So right.

I didn't need to put up a fight.
I am just fine.

Each second of your tardiness just emphasizes how much you don't give a ****.

Little feet trampling across the floor
Little hands swinging thru the air
Little voices raising as the adventure unfolds
Little eyes bright with beginnings

I was certain of the world with little feet, little hands, a little voice, and little eyes.

The world I believed in with just a little hope.

I ask myself what I'm doing here
in a room filled with friends and family
who are strangers sipping on my beer.

I laugh, trying to conceal
the scars as the subject
comes up for why I ignore him.
He is family after all.
My smile begins to fall.

It doesn't matter how old the wound is;
the mere mention of him
makes my mood shift.

"Let the past be the past" they claim. I am.
"What's your problem?" I have none.
Leave me alone.
Three drinks in and there I am, hiding.

Playing my favorite game of hide and seek
when he finds me.
Telling me if I was really quiet
He wouldn't tag me out.
Three years old and I didn't even shout.

I open my eyes when it's over,
unsure of what game this was
when I mention it to my parents.
But who believes the word of a toddler
over a seventeen year old
who has a reason for everything.

No one wants to see the bad or even acknowledge it.
So we make excuses.
"Kids do that. It's a joke. It's exaggerated."
Well, it happened.

No one talks about it as it sits as a lump under the rug.
Everyone tip toes around afraid of the dirt that will come up.
They look at me as if I am the one that caused this pile.
Why because I don't say hi?

I am not mad anymore.
Not mad at how they handled it.
Or how they acknowledge it now only in whispers.
Or even how every time he sees me he runs in the other direction
spewing gossip to try and tear me down.
I am not even mad at myself for staying quiet
or shutting my eyes instead of fighting.

"Let the past be the past," they claim. I am.
"What's your problem?" I have none,
because I am the lotus growing out of the mud
and no one
will ever force me to do anything again.

Not even to say "hi."

May you be happy
As you fly across the skies
With her hand in yours
And excitement in your eyes.

May you be happy
With the smell of her dark hair
And butterflies in your stomach
like the fair.

May you be happy
As you take her to meet all those dear
And sing to her
While she dances near.

May you be happy
As her trust builds.

May you be happy
At the heart she fills.

May you be happy.

Monarchs come in seasons.
They migrate.
Making journeys so unimaginable
With the the ***** of their tiny wings.

You were the air.
I could feel you everywhere
Even when you were nowhere.

Your attention
Was exhilarating.
Raising the hair on my body
As my heart began to soar.

I was swept in your breeze.
Making the journey
The only one you can make
When you have
butterflies
in your stomach.

But then I remembered butterflies
Those **** butterflies
Only came for the season
Leaving with the current of the wind.

It only took one year
To get over the fear
Of being alone

It was gradual
The way you train animals
At first, I couldn’t stand the silence

In my room, the darkness came
Like a blanket
Of velvet

I would gasp for air
Shaken with the thought of my own mortality
My hands reached for safety

But in that room,
All that remained
Was me

Not your smell
Or the weight of your body on the mattress
Or my memories

I can’t pin point when it happened
I can’t definitively say when I lost the fear
Because I don’t think you ever truly lose fear

Fear shifts to other things
Before I would notice my breath
Alone and fear these moments with myself

But each night
As I grew tired of reaching for a shadow
My eyes began to grow heavy
And my breath would steady

My body would stretch across the bed
Letting go of any boundaries one would have
No longer worried of disturbing another

This bed was mine
This room was mine
This life was mine

And instead of waking with fear of my solace
I began to fear if I would ever trust anything more than the freedom of being alone.

My heart races as the adrenalin pounds.
A nightmare I pant,
but nothing prepared me for those sounds.
I continue to chant,
It’s not real
As my chest tightens.
I am unable to diminish how I feel.
Sweating and frightened,
I sink under the covers.
Cautiously closing my eyes,
the image still hovers.
It is more than scary chases and cries
Or the voice you lose deep down inside.
This fear is of the monster I am unable to hide.

Then, you held my hand.
Enveloped in love and tenderness,
your grip provided the armor I needed
to walk another day.

You would think I knew the difference
between truth and deceit,
but it is one in the same.
A constant grey of everyone’s fluctuating perceptions
of trying to obtain the things they want.

The dam is open.
A flood released.
The sensation is too overwhelming,
I fall clenching my knees.
I am that little girl again,
sobbing
feeling so incredibly alone
reaching for a hand,
any hand
to tell her she is wanted.
I reach deep inside
to hold that little girls hand.
I grab it with fervor.
You are not alone
for I am with you.
You are always wanted
because without you
I couldn’t be the woman I am today.
So sleep soundly,
because of you little girl,
we only need each other.