We hunt. We chase. We run
like moths to a flame
for the simple glimmer
of a shared love,
but what we are truly attracted to
is chaos.

The grass changes shades
as the light peaks over the clouds.
It shimmers
as it catches each bead of water
on the blades beneath it.
So cold against my feet,
but warming to see a new day awaken.
I often wish we had physical cues
to our cleansing and preparation for each day. However, it is our lives
that reflect the continuous changes
we seek to build.

My bag is tucked in my legs.
They begin to shake as we land.
I grab the handles and as my belly lifts,
I notice that I am fluttering in excitement, anticipation to the upcoming travels.
Love can come in so many forms,
but none is more awakening
than that of adventure.

It’s easy to blame
the parent that was never there.
It’s easy to remember
waiting at the gas station
with a full back pack for a dad who never came.
It’s easy to see
how a girl seeks a love
where she has to prove her worth
because it was never validated
by the one man who should of.

But it is even harder to forgive herself
for being angry
with the mother who was there,
on a single income,
taking the time to raise
the child that he didn’t.

Even though when it came to her love,
she picked the men
who didn’t even want her daughter
because she was a reminder of the past
without them.

It’s hard to accept that mom
was also that same starved girl
looking for a love that was unconditional,
only to find herself in a room full of conditions,
the ones that said “it is either me or her. ”
Only if she realized
that unconditional love
was staring at her calling her mom.

What is hardest is  
she always chose them.

Sitting at the gas station,
twenty years later,
staring at my packed bag,
I wonder why we keep being told
“they are still human.”
But weren’t they still parents?

Blue flowers
blossom freely
bouncing silently
Between fresh blades

Bees fly busily
sensing
Feet
spring forward
beneath
blue skies

Soles
sink firmly
Feeling Blessed
by simple
Flowing breezes

I use to be envious
of those who say
they don’t fall in love,
of those who can control
their emotions.
But then,
what a colorless life.
I fall as hard as a tree,
every time.
A new face, a new love, a new shade
of sensation that I chase
like butterflies in a meadow.
And when it’s over,
my life feels like a storm of disappointment
only to see the sun peak over the clouds
with hope.
I used to be envious
of those who never dealt with the storms.
But then, they never got to see the sun either.

I sit on her couch
Sipping *****
from some mixed concoction
Scrolling through the social media experiences
meant to be a self reassurance
of how good we have it
when it’s just so
******* hard.

These little positives accumulated
to remind myself
that even in the midst of my hardest trials,
don't get caught in the failures
but relish in the triumphs.

I don’t even look at the other feeds
so self absorbed
at reminding myself
that each day my hustle
will be rewarded with the ultimate win: love.
But success isn’t love... or a like
and every minute I spend self absorbed on what I don’t have
I miss out
on the minute to minute love
I receive with each interaction
from people I share space with.
Life isn’t a feed.
Life isn’t happiness every day.
Life isn’t measured by the have or have nots.
Life is this moment.
Life is this experience
and the decisions we make in them.

So I closed the phone
and listened
to her
sing.

She wasn’t doing it for the hashtag
or the like
and I listened.

Sipping on my *****,
closing my eyes.
I didn’t care what was seen
as long as she kept sharing
this moment with me.

The feed.

What am I doin'
What am I doin' here, my dear
I keep makin' the same mistakes I hear

Not long before I'm under another and I wonder
What I am doin' standing on this pier
While I can't get myself clear

What am I doin'
What am I doin' here, my dear
I keep making the same mistakes I hear

Every time you tell me you love me, I can't hear
'Cause all I see is this big hole
And I'm consumed by fear
I built this tight cage to avoid you coming near
And I wonder...

What am I doin'
What am I doin' here, my dear
I keep making the same mistakes I hear

They keep on askin'
Askin' me whats wrong
And all I want to do is fall apart
As I think of your heart beat
While you contemplate which way to move your feet

And we're standin', standin' on this pier
I can tell you're wonderin'

What am I doin' here

What am I doin' here, my dear
We keep making the same mistakes I fear