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472 · Dec 2018
Sterile Words
Annie Dec 2018
just one more night
could you change your mind?
cause i might

we made this garden together
grew thorns everyday
fine as a feather
and now we are bleeding
but we are not giving up
we both know there's no love
its as if we created this fire
to burn what we never had
driving each other mad
they tell me im childish
to feel the way i do
do u think that's true?

we have too much at stake
too close to break
i cannot be saved
so dont ask me
what does it take
cause i dont need your plea
u cant make this fire cease
we grew out into the hate
hiding behind the dead trees
mumbling sterile words
can you hear me
468 · Aug 2014
Hey Annie
Annie Aug 2014
You never say
"Hey Annie,wait!"

You look into my eyes
But you never see what's behind

You touch my skin in heat
But never discover what's underneath

You never say
"Hey Annie,stay!"

You sit right next to me
But you never hear the silent screams

You hold my arm so tight
But you never feel the scars I hide
My life.
460 · Feb 2020
Holy Hell
Annie Feb 2020
Behind the walls of heaven
Your face
Masking your disgrace

You speak of pleasure
Immortality
All things packed in a wrap

You and your silly games
You, fooling around
As if the world is your only way

You visit us again
To leave again
Hoping things would be the same

Oh, my love
You’re not a friend, love
This time you come around
For your plain defeat
Our lives, hopeless and bleak
All because of you, my misleader
All because of you, my love
460 · Aug 2014
10 Words ,Simple as Ever
Annie Aug 2014
'promise'
Such a strong word

But only before
It breaks
457 · Apr 2017
Mother, My Mother
Annie Apr 2017
Mother, you ask me to cut the cake
But mother, oh my sweet mother,
I'm merely holding a knife here

Mother you think it's my birthday and I should be happy,
But little do you know,
Mother, my incognisant mother

You see, this here in my soft, tender hands
It's more tempting than the candles you brought,
More intimidating than you sitting in front,
It brings the flashbacks more than a picture does

To you, it's something as superficial as love
But to me, my mother
To me, it's a reminder of all the things I could never be,
That I belong to no one,
And mother, that none belongs to me
453 · Apr 2020
Wild Leaves
Annie Apr 2020
Out of my little cage
Through the tall grass
My bare feet
Stepping into the wild woods

My skin aglow
Touched by the essence
Of the echoing howl
The rustling, abandoned leaves
Oh, the silenced trees

Amidst the wilderness
Swayed the blissful ecstasy
And as I touched, I snuffed
Rushing though my veins
As if my blood had no value
Ever

A wallflower, many wallflowers
My body off the ground
Heart out of chest
Oh, the delectation, the zest
Annie May 2019
Mother,
Please tell me I did what’s right
I saved them a stupid fight

Oh my sweet mother
Tonight I want to be alone and cry
When I needed someone, nobody even tried

It’s too tragic to be true
I had the chance to be the person
Who stabbed me, shot me with her canon

I broke the cycle, mother
I told her I won’t be the one
Who steals her boy just for fun

I did what I needed someone to do for me
Not break me
But to set me free

I want to almost complain
Why was I left alone?
Locked out of my own home?

But then I hear God speak to me
Love me the way I wasn’t loved before
Taught me, less is always more
My God, softening my inner core
Guiding me through mountain and the shore
Hearing me when I’m silent and when I roar
My God, my God
447 · Dec 2018
Infidelity
Annie Dec 2018
I met raw infidelity once —clenching its fists upon me, not ready yet –to leave me. And when it finally did, it left bruises and scars which I myself couldn't hide but look upon –with dismay and filth because the old me is long gone, dead and buried in graveyard of lies and treachery –all the ugly, wild things which feared me once and made my body tremble -as of cold and fear. I screamed so loud before the words of bitter truth suffocated my lungs, burning the only emotion I had left —disappointment. I was, yet again, left with "nothing".
444 · Jul 2017
A Simple Change of Heart
Annie Jul 2017
I feel like an unsteady wave
In a big blue ocean
Going away from the shore
Every time -only going away from everyone and everything
Will I end up at another shore?
Or will I forever be going away?
430 · Mar 2018
The Last Utter
Annie Mar 2018
I did cry
For so many days
So why must I lie?

Felt like an empty house
With squealing doors
Can you be here, once more?

They say I'll find somebody else,
That it'll take time,
But I'll be just fine

A few more years
And I'll forget we ever met,
He'll caress me -take away my fears

My body aches in pain
Only you could take away
But hey, there's nothing left to say

I hope I never see you again
As long as I live
For I have –with me, nothing to give
423 · Jun 2018
Digging Deeper
Annie Jun 2018
I gave burnt flyers to this town
Ran so fast –could not be found
Left behind, only betrayal
I can't hear you criticise from here
Your lips are surely moving
But my strength has gotten so loud


Everything's the same, but everything's changing now
The sun, the moon, the stars
Shine brighter somehow


Anyone hardly knows who I really am
And for the first time it feels great
Outstanding —even when I fake
They said, "You'll yearn love."
Oh but love's a cage,
No feelings, no strings attached,
No worries about my heart being snatched
420 · Mar 2019
Amorphous
Annie Mar 2019
Let me breathe
In the smoke of betrayal
One last time
Let me taste
The sweetness of your lies
Savoured, divine
I am not good at goodbyes
Neither letting go
You can’t say I haven’t tried
Lover —turning into a foe

Every day is just the same
Every night starts with tears
Who’s to blame
For all the wasted years?

You painted the picture
Put flowers in empty vase
Just to let it sink
Cursed with your evil sage
416 · Jan 2018
Cruel Touch
Annie Jan 2018
Very soon
Now you will see
I'll be stronger
Than you'll ever be
Every time your hand slipped
Just to hurt me more
You left me abandoned
And my body soar


In the beginning
You sang me lullabies
But then your screams
Became louder than my cries
Each day, every day
You pulled me in enough
To suffocate me
Because you like to bluff


Told you to be gentle
Begged you not to hurt me
But you adored me with bruises
Crawled back, calling me 'baby'
**I wasn't allowed to smile
To muffle, to make a sound
Because you like it that way
You liked being my hound
416 · Feb 2019
House of Evil
Annie Feb 2019
Chained to the cruel power of conflict
Between what I want and what’s best for me
My heart’s throbbing as if I’m being chased
By late night panic attacks, immortal memories

Captive of this room built inside hate
I have to be honest, I can’t do this anymore
Screaming the truth in the shadows
Painting a different picture as I walk out the door

Stumbling in the garden of thorns -I thought of as roses
Blowing on dandelions torn in my bleeding hand
Had I not mentioned how broken I feel?
Stepping over the beautiful castle I made of sand

Crumpled up letters of confessions I write
Of things I want myself to know now
The ones I keep forgetting like a careless child
Bring me the “you” who hadn’t lied, I’ld bow
411 · Feb 2016
They're So Wise
Annie Feb 2016
They say,
"Hold on little child,
Someday you'll finally find,
Your true love,
And you won't have anything to hide."

They say,
"This pain will go away,
You shall have a reason to stay,
In this world,
You'll one day find your place."

They say,
"If you don't look around,
And if you can't hear the sound,
You'ld stumble,
You'll fall right back down."

Oh they're so cold,
And oh they have their show sold,
But hey wait,
Isn't it too late for me to be told?"
407 · Sep 2017
Brave
Annie Sep 2017
I'll close my eyes and pretend
You're the enemy -I'll make you a friend

And I promise I won't complain
I'll suffer -this is my pain

Look up, can you see sixty miles away?
I see a storm, I prefer not to say

I'm learning to embrace my dark
I'll take all the sorrow to create the spark

It's one of those times when it gets hard to believe
But the only thing standing in my way is me

I'm all empty, and I can't find my hope
Everyone says "It's okay" -is that the new vogue?

For all the times I was left on my own
I never fell -instead I learnt a little more
403 · Dec 2017
What You Don't Give Me
Annie Dec 2017
Bad things happen, but good things happen too,
Cruel to me -but always good for you

Nobody knows what happens every night,
A girl slit her wrists -when others are not in sight

I'll forever be hiding my scars,
You only hurt me -right from the start

What does it take to just not be sad?
I'm not asking for happiness -please now, don't be mad

Sometimes I wonder if I'm asking for too much?
When I'm asking for peace -there's no thing as such?
395 · Jun 2017
I Remained
Annie Jun 2017
Today it rained
I stood there
And I remained.

I saw them rushing to their houses
Shouting
Making strange noises
But I remained!

The thunder couldn't scare me
As I looked above
Is it a felony?
If I remained?

Have you ever stood alone,
In a quiet, coveted night?
Just when the fireworks explod
And you stand in anything but fright?

I could hear the wind
It whispered in my ear
"Come take your unfathomed bling."
As yet, I remained.

Lightening all around me,
Lightening from above,
It made me feel free,
And so, I remained -
385 · Jan 2020
Stumble, Don’t Fall
Annie Jan 2020
This life
It’s like a constant wishing
A constant waiting
For something
I am not sure I desire
This hole inside me
Or maybe
I am the hole itself
A tornado
Gushing
Never settling
No one comes near me
To see my insides
Or do they?
Until they dive
Until they strive
And till —they die
Who am I?
What do I need?
How do I feel?
Pacing
Back and forth
Withering without growth
I am fading away
Like cigarette smoke
An old joke
383 · Dec 2017
Occult
Annie Dec 2017
You know what the biggest tragedy is?
When something turns into hell from bliss

And when the Moon whispers to the stars every night,
You will be standing all alone –shivering with fright

Why you even bother to let someone in?
Do you not see it's not heaven –it's a sin

Your days are darker and red is turning into blue,
You have your moments, but see there are just a few

You had a world within you and you're losing it,
You only lie down to cry with the door closed -all the candles lit

How slowly you're sacrificing yourself to the unknown
People think you're crazy, but that's just your zone

Why won't you speak to the sky tonight?
Why won't you call out the dead to kiss goodnight?
383 · Oct 2017
One Of Those Nights
Annie Oct 2017
Have you ever felt like
You're a part of a puzzle
But someone comes snatching you
Not even letting you muffle?
      
Have you spent the darkest night
When it's too cold
To breathe, to seek
But you don't have anyone to hold?
     
Have you ever gone through the time
When you're all that you've got
Convincing yourself you'll be fine
Sobbing -because you know it's not

Have you ever felt 'lonely'
Because it's not just about being alone
It destroys all of you
Makes you wipe the tears on your own

Have you ever needed someone
Just anyone to be there?
To help you rise up?
Just someone who would actually care?
383 · Dec 2019
Keep it that Way
Annie Dec 2019
Internalised screams
Muffled cries
Your silent eyes
Your broken smile


Unspoken confessions
Raging anger
Your beautiful isolation
Your aching voice


It pains me to walk past you
Not saying a word
As if I am ignorant of what I have seen
As if my ignorance would almost make it disappear
Would it?
380 · Jun 2018
Ultraviolet Intimacy
Annie Jun 2018
As crazy as it sounds
You're the sling to my wounds

I can see it when you look at me
Your eyes are no less than hounds

Breaking into my house of fears
Tell me, what have you found?

Oh how you think I'm only naive
Not knowing how many times I've drowned?

I know
I know it seems childish
But I'm made to run in circles ,round and round

And yet –I can clearly see
You want to be my soil, my ground
Annie Apr 2018
Crazy to see
How many wish to die
Just to know
How many will miss them or cry

I do not need death
To show me if I'm needed
I disappear for a night
And my conscience is defeated

Funny what time can do
Bury us down
Pull us up
To make us feel lost and found

Been told I'm weak
Left after coming too close
Once or twice
Or maybe a hundred times

How is it that I'm still standing here?
All naked so you would see
The scars that won't heal
Someone that's just not me..
376 · Sep 2017
Look It In The Eye
Annie Sep 2017
It's when you want to give up
That you need to hold on

When you feel the weakest
Oh but, you've got to be strong

Your sun will rise again
It might be soon, or it might take long

You're in your most miserable phase
Now tell me, what else could go wrong?

Right now, it's all you can hear
One day, it'll be **just another song
362 · Nov 2017
Concavities
Annie Nov 2017
Who you are to me
Is not what you have always been,
All the good things
I had yet not seen,

The light you have within you
And that one little broken piece,
Everything's changing now
The seed of love –growing into a tree,

When I see you, you're always looking at me
But you never say, what do you see?
The mountains or the dark cave?
The bird in a cage, you can't set free?

I will keep you safe -keep you here with me
You can rest here forever, sit in ease,
Our tale is now immortal
And you will see -so are we
360 · Mar 2018
Six Feet Underneath
Annie Mar 2018
You came,
After all those awful years,
Sat beside my grave -nothing's the same

You never apologised,
Broke my heart,
Didn't even call to rationalise,

Today, I don't have a voice to speak,
I am gone in the dark,
While your affair with her is on fleek,

You're here and I wonder,
How you abandoned my love,
Threw me out and I surrendered,

I don't want to change your mind,
Leave while you can,
It's time to put the past behind,

They say, "You can't bring back the dead."
So forget about me as you shall,
Toss my memory out of your head
357 · Feb 2018
Unsaid
Annie Feb 2018
I know it's unreal
But so are you
I love some, and you're among the few

I hate the way
You look at me
As if there's nobody else but "we"

But it's only when
I catch you starring
That I feel like finally someone is caring

I wonder what it feels like
To be young
To have someone become your heart and your lungs

How do I tell you?
That you seem like my only home
A flower growing from a seed I hadn't sown

And even if we don't talk
I know you'll be here
I know that I'll have your love in rare
357 · Jun 2018
You
Annie Jun 2018
You
Amazing —isn't it amazing when you realise you don't need anyone to be happy? When you stop depending on people or things to bring you joy –when you stop waiting for anyone or anything at all to make you feel complete? It finally stops bothering you if anyone is paying attention to how scarred you are or if anyone is ignoring the tiny details you're giving them -those subtle cries for help..
It's important. It really is. Just like we need oxygen. We need that. That kind of assurance, that self-confidence –that kind of knowing that even if you fall, if you fail, if you're pulled down —you still have you. Even if nothing else, but you -being you.
349 · Mar 2019
Fertile Heart
Annie Mar 2019
I haven’t spoken for a long time -or at least the truth? I believe that unless you’re not speaking of how you actually feel, you’re not really speaking at all. I had a lot in me. A lot of things to say. Too many stories to tell. I felt pride in knowing that nobody knows my whole story. And to this day, nobody does. But I have changed. I feel, sometimes, as if I am living in a totally different realm now. I do not even remember who I was last year. I have done things, felt things, I shouldn’t speak of. Things buried deep inside my soul, eating me alive everyday. I wonder if hiding your truth is just like lying? But I didn’t choose to hide. It’s just that nobody chose to know. What is the truth really? It is how one feels? Or is it what the others perceive?
To be continued.
335 · Apr 2018
Aesthesia
Annie Apr 2018
I have this whole world within me
Speak to me
Take me as I am
Set me free

You say I exaggerate things
But what if
What if my emotion
Is itself exaggerated?

Have you ever
For even once, thought that
Maybe I were a speck
Coming close, flying away

Why won't you ever
Pull me close
Make me sway

Keep your eyes off me
Strange how you seem to find reasons
To stay close when you shouldn't
And you could stay here forever but you wouldn't

I don't really need you
I don't even crave you
Except some days

Yet if you ask me, will I be here?
I'll whisper
Always
Always
Always
330 · Feb 2016
Those Ten Words
Annie Feb 2016
Thousands of words in my head,
Only ten fall out of my mouth,

"Suddenly ,once and for all,
I have become so blue,"


A billion thoughts wandering about,
Not a single I can deliver to you,

What is life but merely a puzzle?
Knew you'ld frown,what else is the truth?

Them people all around us day and night,
I've met many,but I know just a few,

Perhaps it goes this way in the end,
We let go but eventually we find somebody new
324 · Mar 2019
Catch My Dreams
Annie Mar 2019
Under the midnight sky,
There’s a fading vision of a picture,
Negating your sacred scripture,

It’s a story with no beginning but an end,
A broken puzzle,
Of a tragedy and no pretend,

Consumed by the terror of falling asleep,
Or is it the fear of what I see?
Night after night,
Dream after dream,

Is it the way I watch myself die?
Or waking up in a scare?
Gasping for air,
Til’ morning, crying in despair,

It’s the same cruel dream every hopeless night,
A sight I cannot unsee in my own mind,
Feels like being ****** out of life,
Worn out, drained —all the time
321 · May 2018
No Pulse
Annie May 2018
I have to tell you,
So I must tell you now,
It does not get any easier,
Life can **** "life" out of you
And there is nothing which you can do

Time after time,
Year after year,
Moment after a moment,
You will find yourself, right here
Not feeling a thing, desperate -in despair

There will be good days
And after a while
Your days will again be more like the night
As if someone has put you on hold
Nothing will seem real as you start to get old

And one becomes greedy,
Just to get to feel anything at all
So you might end up taking it to the extreme
Willing to do things -wild things on your own
Discovering yourself a bit more -each time you're alone

But it's a shame
When the intensity doesn't feed you anymore
You just have to live this way,
Feeling cold, more like a walking corpse,
Dead inside, no love, no remorse
321 · Jun 2018
But "You" Don't Exist
Annie Jun 2018
Come closer, see what you want to see
Tonight we could just pretend
You can look at what a mess I am
For a while, you could be more than just a friend

You once said it takes courage to be who you are
And now I want to know what heaven feels like
You make me want to live more
Who cares what's wrong, what's right?


Give me your hand, feel my heart, will you?
I have been so broken and ugly
You realise that he tore my heart
Threw it away, but you want me out of my misery

You see underneath the fake game I play
From the ordinary girl to a self destructive soul
I am cold now –so cold and indifferent
And you say you want to be my home
318 · May 2014
I am
Annie May 2014
I am the smile on your face
Feel me
I am the thump of your heart
Need me
I am the emotion of anger
Show me
I am the destruction of mind
Torment me
317 · Feb 2019
the aching stillness
Annie Feb 2019
is it just me
or do you see it too?

once you break a heart
you can’t undo

i remember you calling me weak
for the pills i take to feel good

i have been going crazy
nobody has any clue

crying myself to sleep every night
constant pain, feeling blue
315 · Jun 2018
Au Revoir
Annie Jun 2018
It's really okay
If you don't plan to stay

I could go back
Lie down in my bed today

Have you ever starred at the midnight sky
Feeling as if it's pulling you out of a grave?

Why do we even expect?
For anyone to stick around anyway?

Maybe a month is enough
To say all that we want to say

Then we could go on with our lives,
Apart –no regrets, nothing to pay

After all, goodbyes should mean something
Only about joy —no tears, no hate
312 · Jan 2018
Death
Annie Jan 2018
Is it just me or can you see it too?
The sunshine -we're finally getting somewhere new

Everything we planned when we were only 16,
It's been years, tell me how have you been?

Remember when I used to cry everytime you'ld hide?
All the hurdles, but with you by my side

You told me how one day, I'll find my happy place,
Oh, but all this time I was  only creating an empty space

You asked questions only I could answer to,
But when you died, my skies could never again be blue,

That pretty contagious smile of yours and smoke in the air,
Please come back, all I need is you –with me, here

My hands shake and my heart doesn't beat anymore,
I've lost all that I had and buried it deep in the core
311 · Feb 2018
I Am
Annie Feb 2018
An ocean of inexplicable secrecy
I am,
I am right here,
In the atmosphere

Calling, squalling
So desperate and keen
So broken,
I am

I am in the tears you cry,
Even when I am shy,
I am
As long as you are

For you want me to,
As so I linger
Close to you,
Evermore, I am
310 · Nov 2018
It's a Funny Life
Annie Nov 2018
Thousands of words
Inside my head
I would have said something
I chose to stay quiet instead

I keep telling myself
None of this is true
That the Sun is still here
The sky is still blue

I can't think straight
With the narcotics in my veins
Not that I want to die
But all of this was in vain

I feel too old
Don't feel like carrying the weight
Of things that went wrong
The lying, the cheating, the hate

I don't need anyone
And it only makes me glad
I guess loss has a funny way
Of making you strong like that
307 · Jan 2020
The Spirit in My Room
Annie Jan 2020
Constantly staring at me
From my half open bedroom door

Intoxicating my brain
Says, it’ll stay, evermore

A ghost, it’s a lost soul
More weak, less scary

Watching me as I grow
All old and weary

My invariable company
Infiltrating my ‘lonely’

Says it won’t harm
Only here to watch me as I sleep

It holds me not to let go
Not to hurt, but to caress

When all the people leave
And I crave the bitter sweetness
Annie May 2014
This time ,the wind blew in the alternate direction
Inside ,she was still a girl looking for peace
But she pretended to be okay with good intentions

This time ,he was back for another while
Whispering "My girl,you have changed"
With a temporary subtle desire

She said "I have become everything
Everything you couldn't think I could be
Strong and moved on

I have came along a long way,John
When you left the door open while leaving
I am okay now but it was so wrong."
300 · Jun 2018
Ice Burn
Annie Jun 2018
I have a heart of stone
I love you but I'm not in love with you

I adore the way you stare
But I can't be yours, no matter what you do

I see desperation
I see more than what you show

We could have been lovers
But in a different time, with our high and lows

You and me
We could mean something together

I don't want to lie to you
But I want to be lonely forever

I have been looking around
For my life to have an impact

If I wasn't down for darkness
I could have worshipped you infact

Though —no matter where you go
You'll always be mine

Even if I am not keeping you
You're my Norse realm, all nine
283 · Oct 2017
Yearning
Annie Oct 2017
The water touched my feet as I closed my eyes. All the flashbacks -all those memories haunting me to this day. How many years have passed? How many seconds have I died? How many breaths have I smothered?
I remember being fearless once. Look at how fearful I have become. I used to be just another girl -hoping that the best would find its way to me.
But today, I'm a different person -a bizarre package of perplexed emotions, assembling the broken pieces of my fragile heart which I had left at different places -in different things -within different people. Today, I am empty. I am hopelessly empty. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
281 · Jan 2018
Fire
Annie Jan 2018
Too cold to feel
Too hot to touch
Stay with me
But don't love me so much

I fear the fear
Of breaking you down
Making it rain
Smothering your howl

If it were simple
I wouldn't let you go
But I destroy everything
Burn it all slow

It might seem usual
But tell me -is it, really?
I guess we're only delusional
The way I see myself, is that how you see me?

This distance is your blessing
I'm the disguise
You wouldn't want to have me
If only you were wise
277 · May 2014
The New Thought
Annie May 2014
Finding a meaning to live
She lay down in her bed
With a provoking thought
Encouraging her to move on
But thousands of fears
That lay down beside her
Silently
Subtly
276 · Mar 2018
Invincible
Annie Mar 2018
We met in the dark light
Too many stars
But no spotlight

You told me I look good in color
Said "Your soul isn't dark"
So you came to see me in brown leather

Held my hand as if you'ld never leave
Broke every promise
Wasn't there a single one you could keep?

I told you once or maybe twice
I'm strong enough not to be needy
So you started off by playing nice

You had me looking like a fool
Made me think I'm weak
You say you care? Who??

My home is within me
Leave as if you were never here
I'm unbreakble, now can you see?
275 · Feb 2020
Life is Funny That Way
Annie Feb 2020
I’m not sure if I can make it till the finish line
In so many years, I’m trying to be honest for the first time

When the sky turns dark, and the lights go off
I run with my demons –away from people, away from love

Its a ceaseless cycle —of needing to be seen but hiding
Underneath the cold blanket of meaningless conversations

It is not something I am proud of -believe me when I say this
I used to be the girl fantasising my first dance, my first kiss

But now I see how I’ve turned out to be so cold and grey
Because life is funny that way

One day you’re fearless and bright, almost reaching the sky
And the next you’re locked in your room, because nothing now makes you smile
269 · Jan 2020
Pretty Fool
Annie Jan 2020
I am
But not the masterwork
That you think I am

Silly girl, silly girl
I am not your moon

When I look at you
Don’t look back
Caught you keeping a track

Oh, you little fool
They don’t really love you

A drug, temporary pleasure
That’s what you are, you
Pretty little ‘you’

I’m only trying
To navigate my deeper insides
Ended up causing a fight
Between the heart and the mind

You drown in your own ***** pool
Every time, every night
Talking to the silent nobody
You pretty fool
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