When I was younger
My mother told me
"Some get it hard
Some get it easy."

My father would say
"Do not back off
Try until you must
And never stop."

As I grew older
I realised my mother was right
I was the one who got it hard
The one who was conflicted despite

My God, my Dear God
How many times do I have to fall
Lose my faith a billion times
And come back yet feeling so small?

Each day I fought a battle
Sometimes with my mind
Sometimes with my heart

Why do I, the most vulnerable
Feel like the whole weight
Is always on my feeble shoulder?

My brain is a wreck
My soul is an empty apartment
I must tell you
It does not feel good to be on this side of the door

You see -on this side of the door
I am never okay
But how must you see me as the weakest –
When you can't see what happens here

When I close the doors
I can finally be myself
The one with that heavy burden on a weak heart
Calming it down, I play my part
"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay."


#But it's not okay..#

Send me postcards if you can,
We can spend our days without a plan

Let's abandon what we should,
Run through narrow streets in Italy, if you could?

When you weep, I'll be here –I'll make you smile
You make my life, worth a while

I long to meet strangers with you,
Some old man having his coffee –in blue

So when it ends, you'll have something to remember
Because I won't be here after December

We know –life is anything but fair,
These memories will keep you sound –in case you're scared

I'm giving you this year, so say your goodbye,
But once I'm gone, please don't cry

Wait –
Don't you do it
Don't you dare
Sing that beating heart to sleep in your despair

Can you come with me?
Look into my eyes
See
Your existence, shining like a billion fireflies

Talk to me
Stay for the night
We'ld get high on caffeine
You can sob a little -I might

There's so much yet
For you to discover here
All the glorious things
You could unravel with your soul -all bare

Your grace, one day
Will shine brighter
If only you can see
You're not insignificant -but a fighter

You do not need anyone
Or anything at all
If only you could
Just stop waiting for that 'call'

This empty feeling
Of pouring misery in moon’s cup
Each night
Gaslighting myself with ‘love’

The rope I was holding onto
Turned out to be just a thread
A trap for my conscience
To fall over my head

Slender, shaking legs
Walking fearfully to shut the window
Starving for light
Tucked my head in the same cold pillow

I am too young to give up
Too old to carry the weight
Too scared of death
Too weak in the hands of fate

I feel like falling deeper
Each step, deeper than before
Smiling to dodge reality
Why do I keep wanting more?

Empty we are born
Emptiness we savour
We create
We infuse within
Into the emptiness, we go

Like shadows
Made of nothing, only nothing
Yet when the wind blows
We flutter
Creating empty sounds
Leaving an echo
A trace
Of nothingness

its funny
how u think i care
doesn't mean i like you
only because i stare

fallen angel
too broken to heal
i am flying
but the devil's holding my feet

you will never know who i am
because neither do i
you're here, im glad
you sit beside me and so i smile

you're insanity
i'm the madness
call me crazy
but i could not care less

you're the black hole
and im falling
deep inside
because i hear you calling

i don't feel a thing
you say love's in the air
you want the poison
but that's not why im here

This dark room
The suffocating walls around my body
I look like a work of art
But abandoned –
Left over centuries to be found
By someone as curious as me
Looking into journals
The *****, untidy, old pamphlets
Merely to prove I once breathed
In the same air
Inhaling alienated emotions
Exhaling like an exploited woman
Piercing your heart with her eyes
Oh, those shovelling eyes
Starry, suffice
Arresting you in her entice
Would you dare to touch
This piece of art
Surrendered
Only to lure another

Is it already the end?
Only yesterday I felt alive
After all these years
For the very first time

You looked like danger
So I distance myself from you
Every time you reach
I run away like a fool

You see
I intend not to heal
But you, my sweetest
Wish the best for me

Filling my blood with infatuation
Creeping into my bones
Too deep inside me
Before I could even call you ‘home’

Piercing through my skin
Warm, persistent -how a man should be
You fail to see one thing
You’re too good for me