How do you begin to describe your feelings of loneliness
and your mental seclusion from the world
when your surrounding world
only sees the built facade of belonging.

I don’t know if therapy
legitimately helped me stand tall
or just get better at covering up
the moments when I mentally fall.

All it took was one look from me
and you would have bent over backwards so easily.
I took advantage of the love you had
because I needed to fill a void so bad.
It’s true you knew how I felt for I wasn’t fooling anyone
but I still feel guilty for everything I have done.
I can see that you try and try and try
but this time you will have to tell me goodbye.
I will stop you from coming back and begging for more
because I need you to move on and realize you don’t deserve this unreciprocated love anymore.

What do you do
when your mind is your greatest weapon
but your most destructive enemy?

Take the tear soaked dirt from around your knees
And mark your face to prepare for war
Because the battle for your life
is about to charge you like never before.

You will stand face to face with the darkest of demons
as they screech in your ears that you’re worth is zero
Your feelings are inadmissible and
No one loves you enough to be your hero.

These evil belligerents will be the effects of
the most damaging kind of rejection
the most destructive criticism of your reflection
the most vile act of a man’s unwanted *******

Yet your future is proof that
even with a trembling body and labored breath
even with a soul draped with trauma
you are more fierce than the call for death.

You will make it through every battle
You will end the raging war within
You will experience the sweetest kind of love
and you will rediscover an authentic grin.

Just because you made it through
doesn’t mean all fights are over
But, you will think back to this time
and know how to allow your strength to takeover.

You can do hard things.

The Demons are back again,
Haunting me with darkness,
Painting me with insanity,
Those sick little artists.
It's all my fault,
All the years of failure
And the neglect to cure this disorder,
That controls me.
The sadness consumes me,
The water is getting higher,
I can't breath, I'm drowning
In everything that becomes of me.
My mind bubbles with regret
And burns in pain
For ignoring this illness
That makes me insane.
My heart beats slowly
As it frowns in silence,
My blood rushes around
in heavy violence.
My body shakes
And I'm short on breath.
I'm becoming attacked by this panic
And I become a mess.
It's maniac ways
Every days the same.
It's calm and it's crazy
And I'm always fighting to stay Sane.

Looking out over a Mountain View
was my idea of escaping.
But my feelings of
inadequacy,
my shortage of happiness,
and my lack of love
only grew.
It wasn’t an escape.
It was emotional poverty with a view.

I cleansed the knife
you stabbed in my back
and cauterized
my bleeding wounds
with it.

Im not sober tonight
laying alone in my bed.
Because I’m drunk
on the memories
of what we were
and overdosing
on the thoughts
of what we will never be.

My mirror reflects someone
I don’t recognize
but I love her
and I respect her
more and more
everyday.

Uncensored thoughts
Bleed from my pen
as your name marks the paper
yet again.

I give you permission
to eavesdrop on my mind.
Because my words are stuck
in prison feeling confined.
I want to spill it all out
but that’s not how my brain is designed.
So please
eavesdrop on my mind
And help me decipher
the secrets being intertwined.

I may never find the words
strong enough to explain
how you have made me feel
by pushing me away
and leaving me to drown
in this pool of loneliness and pain.

....I love you too, Mom....

You had me falling to my knees
and crying out such self deprecating things
but now I am standing so very tall
saying thank you for making me fall.
Because without your constant brutality
I would have experience life’s inevitable fatality
without learning that you can shrink to despair
still raising your mental health to the level of a millionaire.
Thank you for making me rich.

I am
Who I am
As I am.

I remember putting on my white dress,
trying to hold back tears from stress.
I knew deep down that I never wanted to walk down that aisle,
but my feet kept moving with a perfect, fake smile.

I put all my faith in God above,
and I even prayed to feel His love.
Because all I wanted was to do the right thing,
and I truly believed that getting married to a man would fix everything.

One year later I am back where I started,
but this time with divorce papers feeling cold-hearted.
I never wanted it to end this way,
and how naive of me to think I was strong enough to stay.

Now I just want to hug my mom while I cry out,
but she is disgusted with the fact that I came out.
I am filled with tears of hatred and shame
because I lit up my life with an irreversible flame.

I asked for this.
I asked for all of this.

The space between us
is substantially bigger,
and your tight grip  
is no longer pinned to my emotional trigger.

You knew that in the past
I would have jumped off a ledge for you,
but now I am strong enough
to say ***** you, too.

I’ve been trying to string words together
in hopes a poem will be the result,
but all I have is a page of scribbles
as it laughs like an intellectual insult.

First Addiction.
Then Agony.
Now Anxiety.

First Deceit.
Then Defeat.
Now Depression.

First Apologetic.
Then Ashamed.
Now Alone.

I had the choice to choose
and what I should have chose
wasn’t what was chosen.

As a result I lost
what I didn’t want to lose
And I have to deal with the loss,
of you.

Day 285
I am rocking back and forth
trying to fight this temptation
because my vices are tired of
Experiencing Starvation.
.
.
.
.
.
Day 1
I tried, I really did
But here I am again
It’s never a matter of if,
It’s only a matter of when.

I am a toxic person
so if you are trying to get close
I suggest you stop while you’re ahead
Because my lethal dose
Isn’t worth being spread.

As a child growing,
time was my loyal companion,
Holidays coming in the perfect moment
Annual Birthdays never failing
Weekends always showing up.
But.
As an adult growing,
time has become an antagonistic companion
Never allowing me
To recover from
The past or
The present.
now there is another year gone
that includes
moments in which
I was drowning in mistakes
and seconds in which
I was floating in euphoria.
I want time to stop
For the ability to process
the gulps of bitter water
or sweet sensation of hovering in joy
as they happen,
Not when the ball drops
and we all scream,
For time has not ceased,
to show the world,
to show us,
to show me,
who is in charge.

.Borderline.
A single word that can describe everything.
Walking on the edge of two strong realities.
Constantly debating one way or the other.
To live or let die.
A difficult decision that impacts
More than your heavy feet.
All it takes is one slight step.
Then all anxiety can end.
All depression can be in the past.
But it’s not a simple step either.
So many people face these two strong realities daily.
They find themselves,
.Borderline.

Genuine freedoms is something we all search for,
But it’s not found in a drug or a liquor store.
Take your search to the mountains and trees,
The answer you’re looking for is found within nature’s breeze.

Do people ever admit
When they are two-faced?
If not, let me be the first
Because I need to throw away this toxic waste.
The more you get to know
My fake, happy shell,
You will start to learn that under that ****
I live in my own private hell.
If anyone gets this shell open
They always end up leaving
The real me is never good enough
So the shell stays closed and I’m left grieving.

Abuse does not always
yield bruises or scars,
sometimes the effects
are more like emotional prison bars.
Narcissistic Abuse
makes your mind feel trapped,
by painful memories and words
as if your soul was physically slapped.
The damage has been done
and it is hard to fight the lies,
that were imbedded in your head
instead you are traumatized.
I know how it feels
I have always dealt with this type of pain,
But between you and me,
I still get lost trying to win this never ending game.

You are my addiction
My forever affliction
I will beg on my knees for you,
No matter what hell you’ve put me through.

He was 13 when that car rolled,
all at once his life ended cold.
the poor boy never got to enjoy life,
he wasn’t able to experience love and have a wife.
although he didn’t have to endure loss or pain,
it wasn’t worth the road’s new bloodstain.
we never know when our life will end
that’s something my mind cannot comprehend.

So many people in this world
We are numbered
Like the sands of the sea
But you’re still important to me

I was told I need to talk to someone,
a therapist
because I’m drowning in the bottle;
my terrorist.
I have feelings I can’t explain,
the anxiety
And now I have to take steps towards
my sobriety.
I don’t know how I got to this place,
I’m lost.
All the hiding at the expense of those I love,
my cost.
I need to let it hurt,
the pain.
Or this terrorist will forever be there,
my chain.

I have sat in a pit of despair.
I have stood with feelings of no repair.
I have walked with both eyes closed.
I have ran in fear of vulnerabilities being exposed.
I now sit with a light in the distance.
I now stand with a slight hope of resistance.
I now walk a hard road to recovery.
I now run looking forward to this new discovery.
I will sit without a dark thought of probation.
I will stand with a strong foundation.
I will walk with a grin on my face.
I will run and not give up this race.
The past does not define you.