when i see you my entire world lights up
i've been living too long in the dark
i no longer see any light at all

another fail
i am not holding my breath
so please do not bother
bringing me down gently
i am already not breathing

you made me feel                          
           [ SO LOVED ]
but then one day you disappeared
                      [ CLEAR OUT OF SIGHT ]
now, i ask
                                [ WHERE DO I GO?]

i get so choked up still
on all of these things
which no longer matter
maybe it's because
i wish that they still mattered
and didn't have to be tainted
with these aching
screeching
screaming
blood curdling
wanting
needing
fleeting
desires

you said goodbye again tonight
not for the first time
as i was staring at you from across the room
****** ****** ringing inside of my head
yet all i could do
is remain silent

i would never say goodbye to you
yet for you -
it is so easy to say to me

i watched you sit inside of that sad house
i watched you sit inside of that sad room
i watched you sit inside the sadness within yourself
i watched you **** yourself

it's that little smile you have
when you push your hair
away from your face
as if you're trying to remain brave
and we don't have to go back inside
we can stay out here all night
until the stars say goodbye
and the black fades into light
as you're closing your tired eyes
i'll carry you back inside
keep you warm as we sleep away the day
but you look so at peace as you sleep
can i just watch you instead?
try to see your brave little smile again

if neither of us believe
in all of the things which create "love"
then how can we ever
love the other?

this is a chronologically written story of pain
that no one wants to read
i don't even know why i write it
i suppose because no one wants to hear me speak

the type of love where i catch you staring at me. longingly. admiringly. the type of love i can feel, not only hear. 
the type of love where i look over at you. my eyes become fixated. locked. my heart becomes warm. full. the type of love where i look at you. and i love you. i simply. i love you. 
you meet my glance. with no words. you love me back. you love me back. you don’t even need to say.

you spilled ink onto my heart
oh you left such a terrible mess
the more i try to expel it with each word i write,
the messier it seems to become
i cannot wash you away
you've stained my blood black
i am trying to find the red
so that i can live again
it seems hopeless, your imprint on me,
the permanent ink
as if your hand print lays over my heart
and deep into my soul
claimed me as your own

i'm so tired of sticking around, hoping that someone eventually will care
it's a sick twisted cage feeding off whatever i have left to offer
this end has an end, it always has
it has never been so clear to me before now

I remember one night you came back to me after being gone for ten minutes or so, and I asked you why did you come back? and you answered, because I didn't want you to be alone.
And I think that is what love is.

happiness is so fleeting
i wish you weren't so quick on your feet to get away from me

This is
A
Tangible
Misery
So
Hold onto
Me
I much don't like breathing
But you
Always you, you have
Made oxygen
So much more worth taking
Until both my lungs
Are filled
With your smoke
So, see
You cannot go
I would forget
How to breathe
For good

we have closed conversations and then forget everything that we said
words we hide and store away, in the back of our heads
that none of this never, ever happened
but we know the truth behind these masks
and the desire to feel that it was entirely real, even if it was only that moment

sick of feeling low
sick of not being good enough
sick of bleeding
sick of writing about this

you made me feel like i belonged
like i could actually have
a life involved with others
now you're gone
and i am even more alone
than before

was it all
just a joke?

i'm staring at walls
enclosed, four square
haze in my head, silence
uncertain on what
to think about
heavy brain
light head brain
all at once
i don't want to be dead
but i feel dead
i want your face
filling the empty wall space
but i don't want it
you're better off
just living in my head
as where you
should be
and i be
empty chest, silence
four square, white walls
i don't feel here

I try not to listen to first day of my life
especially when I don't want to cry
all of my memories come flooding
of that first snowy december night
the night I saw you standing in the garage
as you opened the door and I stepped out of my car
I had drove that whole hour
feeling more excited than anxious
and it was like a picture perfect moment
with the snow falling, and us standing there feet apart
seeing each other for the very first time in our lives that had yet begun
you told me, my life started when I met you
yet today, does that still remain true?
I was going through a rough time
and in that moment, everything seemed promising to be okay
just because of you existing
I truly am glad that I didn't die before I met you
and you loved me
when it was impossible for me to love myself
though these days I am getting better at it
maybe because you tried to teach me self-love
and I will forever love you for that

do you ever find it beautiful
how we all
find the strength
to connect
through our inevitable sadness?
if sadness cannot be beautiful
then what are we creating,
by drawing in all together,
to connect and to share
life's despair?

the worse it gets each time
the less i care
the less love that i feel
if there was any to exist
the worse it gets each time
i need a painless way
i need to escape

you don't know this
but when you smile
the kind that goes from ear to ear
i simply sit there and feel
all of the overwhelming love that i have for you
and i am calm in that smile and i am in love
god, i am in love

we connected stars into constellations because we were that beautiful together
but as it is with all constellations
the stars broke apart and each went their own ways
the constellation feeling as a mere dream
and now we just look for other stars to feel complete

writing with a bent and broken pen
with dying, faded ink
yet somehow is still reaching the paper
sometimes i don't know what to say
i just know i need to say something
however eloquent or ******
however my words want to shape me

i kicked rocks by my feet to make it all go away
i thought of your face and how happy and sad it makes me to see
i continued walking alone in the dark, recreating our best moments inside of my head
i really wish you didn't have to leave, i could be everything for you if you let me
but you are stone cold and said 'good night, good bye'
i watched you walk away and my heart died

i've always been the girl who was sneaking out late from home
i've always been the girl smoking cigarettes behind dumpsters to not be caught
i've always been the girl who felt all too lonely and went off with strange men
i've always been the girl who enjoyed meaningless *** for the night yet hurt herself in the morning for it
i've always been the girl seeking some sort of concrete love
i've always been the girl that was told, "love yourself, or no one else will"
i've always been the girl attracted to danger because life was too draining and boring
i've always been the girl seeking approval from others who don't matter
i've always been the girl beating herself up for these things, because she knows they are true
i've always been the girl looking into the mirror and seeing a monster staring right back at her
i'm the girl standing on the railroad tracks wishing for it to end
i'm the girl that is starting to see, she no longer has to be these things

you don't love me
you're just lonely

i saw you but it didn't matter
just another stranger
i made brief eye contact with
your eyes were different though
because they are yours
and they are eyes that i used to adore
they were the same
i guess some things never change

i saw you but it didn't matter
because i saw your eyes
but you didn't see mine

i put you out of my head
and i went to bed
i went to bed
i forgot the next morning
and i no longer wept

remember when we ran home in the pouring rain together but we didn't care?
because we were happy
we arrived home sopping wet but laughing
and took our clothes off to dry and anything that could be bad in that moment didn't exist
it was the fact we had nothing but we had each other
and we were happy
we were happy

do you wanna lose our heads tonight?
we can regret it in the morning
but that's the morning and this is right now
and it is dark and beautiful and you're smiling
and all i would rather do right now is put my hand on your knee and finish these drinks
yeah we can slip under the covers and be consumed by the warmth
and if it is okay can i hold your hand until the sun comes up?
can i brush up against your skin so mine isn't alone for once?
can i pretend for just tonight your body is mine and mine yours?
let's lose our heads tonight
you and i

we felt like a dream that i am never going to forget

And the truth of it all
Is that I don't want to be dead
I just want to go to bed
And wake up and hope that life isn't so bad
But I swear with each passing day and nothing is ever the same
That maybe actually being dead would be a much better case
I know I am being selfish and it is up to me
To find some light
But it's so dark and won't you help me find it tonight before I truly decide that this life is not mine?

sometimes i hate being a poet, because i write about everyone but no one writes about me. i am the one spilling my heart out with ink; suffering, quietly, crying, and aching. why does my mind feel the need to empty itself and write? my words don't always heal this ache, they just make my chest bleed even more. why can't i be an empty person, who can let go and doesn't let their fingers fly with passion and remorse and spite? sometimes i hate being a writer, because all of these cries feel futile, they just keep reminding me that no one is listening to me.

i wish that people understood my writing like i try to understand their hearts.

watching
cigarettes burn
as slowly and quietly
as we did
yet surely, permanently
i cannot feel the smoke in my lungs anymore

i sailed my heart away from your violent waves
never again will i be pulled under the currents which you cannot face
i sailed for so long until i reached the shore
you became my sad and lost gone love, nothing more

I don't like feeling "better"
I don't know what to do
Or who to feel who I am
Or feel about anything
Or anyone
I think I
Miss my sadness

no one was here and i become so lost and unsure of where to go
i danced with death because it promised me it was here
i held out my arms and let show the scars, i said, see, i have been waiting for so long
and death embraced me so tightly and promised to never let go
and its words were the only thing i could trust
so i said okay and i gave in
you've always been here, but i was just scared
yet now your arms are the last and only ones i desire
i said, i'm not loved
i said, i'm not needed
i said, i'm not wanted
i said, thank you for wanting me
i said
we both finally got what we wanted, in this long rollercoaster of a finale

And the realest version of me is the one when I am with you,
because there is no need for spiked fences to keep the inside of my mind contained,
there is no need for defense,
you make me defenseless

you make me forget that i have a face, you make me believe that my image in the mirror is deceiving me, yeah you make me believe that i am beyond this scarred skin and i am my bones and my skeleton and my untouchable mind, you love something that you cannot ever touch and is just an idea of existence, you make me feel a feeling or a word that cannot possibly exist where "love" is not good enough, because i am beyond anything of this universe, you make me forget that i have a face, you make me forget that i am sometimes ugly, you make me forget yet make me realize that i am mere human, and it is all okay and it is all oh just so fine and that there is no reason to cry, and that me being here might maybe have some worth in its own time, that i can't find, but you make me feel reassured without a certain doubt that i will always be your time
youknowwhoyouareyouaretheonlyonewhocanreadmymind

wherever you are, you aren't here
where you may be, i can't count on disappearing
because i need to start new, and go to you
are you waiting for me
as i am waiting for you?

but i still know all of your favorite bands
i still know which songs make your chest hurt
i still know everything that makes you sad and what you want to do to destroy it
i know how strong you can be because you showed me
i know how strong you are because you were strong for me
and now i am supposed to be strong on my own
standing on my own two feet, when there used to be four
and i still know the places you go, the people you turn to when you feel alone
when i used to be such a person and now in your eyes i barely exist
like a stranger you gave all your secrets to and vulnerabilities
like a stranger who still knows you today
like a stranger who does not breathe today
like a temporary lover that once held you as a crutch, and me for you
like a stranger who isn't a stranger, but who you want me to be
you are no stranger to me

all of this poetry i have for you and us inside of my head

while you only have whispers and meaningless stutters

who loves whom ‘more’?

if i could reach inside of you and pull out all of your sadness,
every last coiling thread until there was none left,
believe me, i would
but i'm too entangled within my own
and i don't want to infest you any more with the terror and horror of this disease that lies deep inside us each

he does not want you anymore
and he no longer thinks that you are beautiful

we started talking less and less
everything became very dead
i held your laugh inside of my head
and your face inside of my chest
i tried to remember how it felt
to feel alive, our tiny moments
where everything was simple and all right
i wanted to call you tonight
i wanted to say i can no longer live my life
i wanted to say, i always held you so dear
even though we haven't spoken in years
through the final tears, i just wanted you to know
that i
loved you from there
to here, all of the spaces in between
forever more

and just like that
i knew that i was never going to see you again

i think it's weird now how we spent the summer entirely in love
how good things felt, how they were
how much happiness sprung, as the sun
and the problems we tried to ignore but they eventually overtook us
now things feel so cold with no hope, soon like the snow
but i would still find your freezing hand and hold it with mine to give us warmth once more