i wanted to get rid of everything
i wanted to throw away everything
i wanted to throw away our bed
just to get you outside of my head
i wanted to break all of the plates
into a million pieces
because eating from them alone
made me now shake
i wanted to burn all of the curtains
i wanted to burn the couch
because you no longer
occupy the space next to me on it
i wanted to smash the tv in
just as you did to my heart
i couldn't watch our shows anymore
i wanted to strip the walls
of all of their color
because you picked out that shade of red
but now i'm sick of looking at it
i wanted to break all of the windows and jump out
lay amongst the glass shards in the lawn
come and find me here alone
come and see what you have done
to our home

i see your self improvement in waves and then eventually the waves come crashing back down, deeper into dark recesses, never rising above the surface again for long
and i am so afraid that you will remain there, forever lost

you're not pretty
like all of these other girls that you see
on the tv and in magazines
but who you are
is so unique
more than those other girls
could ever hope to be

trust me when i say
that i am trying so hard
to be a better person
in so many ways

the type of love where i catch you staring at me. longingly. admiringly. the type of love i can feel, not only hear.

the type of love where i look over at you. my eyes become fixated. locked. my heart becomes warm. full. the type of love where i look at you. and i love you. i simply. i love you.

you meet my glance. with no words. you love me back. you love me back. you don’t even need to say.

you broke me
beyond repair
it sometimes feel
but this time i
don't want to be that girl
who runs to the next man's
available set of arms
the one who still lives
inside of the sadness
you left behind for me
the one
you no longer feel
i want to heal
to wait
to believe
that something far better than you
is meant for me

you were ever rarely a good love
a bad love
an abusive love
a love that was never love
my first love

and i'm sorry that i love too hard
too much
too all at once

i'm sorry that i can't help but to break down
when i imagine your body
intertwined with someone's else

you're looking at her pictures now
instead of mine
in the middle of the night
when you need a little bit of healing
from your loneliness

and my existence
no longer
is your remedy

I used to write about you a lot. I haven't written in so long. I guess the hurt became way too heavy and I didn't want to sit there anymore and try to make sense of it, or try to heal myself from it. There was nothing to do anymore but to sit in silence and feel it.

all that i can do now is lay here and feel all of the hurt
and there is no way to escape it except to sleep
and i am laying here wishing that the sun would go away and that time would stop so i can lay here forever in the dark
a moment where i don't need to wake up and force myself to exist
the hurt gets worse
it gets worse
home alone once again and my bed is becoming too lonely where i can't even lay in it either

and you, where are you?
you are out and you are barely alive
and you're doing drugs and you're drinking yourself black
and everyone around you thinks that you're just having fun
when i know you drink because alcohol is your disease and you have to feed it even when you don't want to
you are sad
and you aren't here or happy
but none of them see
except for me

so i can't lay here
in peace
wondering what you are doing or if you are okay
and it shouldn't matter but it does more than anything
because you aren't wondering if i am okay

your lips are on the bottles tonight
and not on mine
and that alone is enough to destroy someone
because i love you
and your alcohol

it does not love you.

in life, i think of you
in passing, i think of you
in death, i think of you

i wrote poetry
he partied
i would overthink
he would oversleep
too lost within the oblivion
of trying to numb away
life
while i was here
thinking about "life" too much
writing about it too much
i enjoyed wine
on a quiet Tuesday evening
he enjoyed liquor
on a wild Friday night

surely
truly
love does attract
"opposites"
i loved him
and he loved me
but he didn't want to live
life
and i
wanted to write about it

we're sitting
in a ***** garage
blasting music
with lyrics
that i am so appalled by
this is his life
this is
it isn't mine

i am
the quiet
Tuesday afternoon girl
who writes her words
to figure out
life
while he is trying
to forget about his
on a Friday night

these lifestyles
we tried to clash
for far too long
so sadly
too long

i left
with love still
beating inside of my heart
because you could never
love me
the way you love
your Friday nights
like you couldn't love
my Tuesday evenings

love is so
crafty
and deceiving
it brought us to meet
we both understood
that life is sad
yet only i
could see its beauty

and our lifestyles
were too different
to sustain the life
for one another

if you stop writing about the bad stuff
if you stop talking about it -
then does it cease to exist?
does it blur away
within the haze
that you are trying to be lost in?

i do not make you happy
any longer
it is in your face
it is laced within your words that you speak to me
it is within your weary eyes that now look at me with such remorse and hurt
i no longer am
a source of your happiness
the realization of which
kills me slowly
but surely
i must go
because i can show you and tell you
how much i love you
yet it will never reach you
and i am so terribly sorry
for becoming a source of pain
but, i love you
and i, still do
so if you are free from me
you will bloom
into a happiness i could never obtain for you

lately
i am existing in places as little as possible
where you cannot find me
where every feeling is a void
where i hope to forget

here
i feel so safe
immersed within ignorance
and you cannot touch that
you cannot intrude
you cannot inflict any more hurt
because i will not let you

i wrote you
notebooks full
you never read
a single word
i'm not writing
about you
anymore

i saw you but it didn't matter
just another stranger
i made brief eye contact with
your eyes were different though
because they are yours
and they are eyes that i used to adore
they were the same
i guess some things never change

i saw you but it didn't matter
because i saw your eyes
but you didn't see mine

she kissed him goodbye and left
he told her i love you, i'll see you later
once she was out of sight
he turns to his friend with his phone
hot model girl blowing up the screen
he says, she's so incredible, i'd bang her any day

but what about your girl?

oh, her
she doesn't know
so she won't get hurt
it's all good
it's only a little fun
she's great, but she could be better
for now i can settle
but she's nothing that special

cut out my tongue
so that i can stop telling you i love you
cut open my throat
so that i can stop screaming
from this immense pain you've brought upon me
cut off my ears
so that i can stop hearing your lies
cut out both of my eyes
so that i can forget
that you did once exist

all i do lately is lay in bed and pass the time
until i can again call you mine

it's late
you're already asleep
i'll tiptoe down the streets
hoping you haven't forgotten about me

just for an hour even -
can i lay in your bed with you?
lately you're my only medicine
lately the doses have become too small and too few

it'll be like nothing bad ever happened
nothing bad ever happened

where'd you go?
i saved you a place
in case you decide to come home
i left the door unlocked
and saved your place in the bed
so where did you go?
it's becoming too cold
and i'm running out of excuses to stay awake
to hear the door **** turn
and you're here
where you belong

what right do i have to want to die, when people around me who are younger than me die all of the time? what right do i have to throw away the experiences i have had, and yet to have, when some seventeen year old will never have that chance?

what right do i have to want to die, when people are dying before their time?

i'm not afraid of you falling out of love with me and forgetting about me
i'm afraid of you finding someone who can make you happier than i ever did
and i will just become bad memories
not even a good memory
i'm afraid of you learning to hate me
through all of the bad stuff we went through
and she can make you forget
oh she made you completely forget

sleep with the door unlocked
hoping that you will come by
crawl next to me in bed
hold me like you never left
it's a false hope
in the morning i know
i'll still wake up alone

i love you
and i just want to go to sleep
reading ****** sad poetry
and music that fills my dark room
alone, with no sound

'i love you'
i sent
but it's gone and done
gone for good

weren't we
eternity?
or was that
just me
imagining?
are you in your bed
missing me?
or in hers
trying to forget me?
if you haven't already
forgotten
(you said you wouldn't but now i'm terrified that you have)

this wasn't supposed to be
the end
a fact i can't accept
my life
without your life
that was never a concept
i could wrap around
inside of my head

and my biggest fear now
is not that you no longer love me
it's that i am afraid
you will forget me

same one person
broke my heart twice
didn't i learn
the first time?
if given the chance
i know i
would let you
break for a third round
over and over
again
this dance
i could go on
and on

you're worth the torture

i didn't forget about you
i made you quiet
i made you entirely mine
inside of my head
where you stayed
for as long as i wanted you to

it's been years
i didn't forget
i made you quiet

i cannot change your heart that i love
and i cannot change your hands that hold me only when i am worthy
i cannot shape and form you and change you, to love me
no, i cannot change anything at all
and it was never of my own fault
i merely tried too hard
all along i was worthy
of a love
much warmer
than yours

not allowed to speak
silence has become me
because they all never care
about what i think
or how i am hurting
i'm nothing special
we all hurt
but mine is encasing me lately
it's too hard to get out of bed
i need to just get over this
but i can't find a way to

i know,
we all hurt
yet just for once
can i be heard?

do you have any idea the amount of break up texts i have composed and written within the notes of my phone?
and i kept telling myself, that this time i would send it
yet i knew i was lying
over and over i spilled out the words
only to be unsent and deleted
maybe things need to be over with
if i'm pouring my heart out over break up words
instead of fixing things
because i know that you won't listen
i know that we are done for good
i know that things are unfixable

i can't
i can't admit it

i've been up since five last night
drinking in suicide
all of these empty cans lying by my bed side
and it is 6:47 in the morning
i watched the sun rise up with agony
it's the mark of a new day
where i am still here
i didn't open that bottle of pills
it's sitting on the counter, feeling forgotten
i dialed your number on my phone
it's still sitting there on the screen, jumping at me
the big green call button staring at me
it's seven
the daylight is unfriendly towards me
i'll close my eyes again until five tonight
repeating this same old feeling

god, how much i miss my life

i just wanted to make you happy
but you made me so unhappy
and i think that is what actually made you happy

i was alone before you found me
and i can be alone again when you leave
(i don't need anything from you)

i can feel it
as if i was a flower, too stuck beneath the earth, tied down by my roots that refused to grow
too scared to grow, too scared to bloom
i can feel it
i'm pulling away from my roots finally and raising above the earth
into this foreign light and sunshine, no longer finding comfort in the cold dark
i'm blooming, growing, away from you becoming the beauty i could have always been, yet you were holding me back, i remained stuck and unwell, no water, no sunlight
i'm leaving my roots behind, my petals are vibrant and bright
and i am no longer scared to keep growing away from you, far far away
you showered me with dirt and worms
i found my strength to break free and grow into what you didn't want me to be

i leave
without a word
without a sound
that's how you know
truly
that i'm never coming back

he was out there finding someone new already
i was here finding myself
learning to live with myself
filling in the void that you left behind
that no one but myself can replace
maybe i wasn't good enough
but that was a reflection of yourself, not me
(this i am still learning)

he has someone new in his bed tonight
while i was there one week ago with him
i may be alone now, night after night
but at least i am brave enough to find myself
and i don't need another hand to hold, to fill your void
like you had to fill mine that i left behind

wherever you are
i hope these words find you well
i hope that you realize
you have many more stories to tell
even when the weight
becomes too heavy
wherever you are
if you aren't right now,
someday you will be smiling

you ask me not to leave
you say, please
but what are you
expecting from me?
i reply
it's tempting
if only you would change
the way that you treat me

the walls whisper loneliness
the bed begs for closeness
every night
you were here with me
every night
i kissed you sweetly
but slowly
you were disappearing
i kept trying to make myself known
that i was here still
but i can't make a ghost see me
unless they want to on their own
i close and lock the door
i whisper,
"please come home"
but we don't live here anymore
it's me, again
always finding myself at this familiar end
pangs of nostalgia and
your ghost
won't even haunt me
won't even say hello
anymore

i taught you
that it is okay to treat me badly
because i always
accepted and accepted it
hoping it wouldn't happen again
but that was just showing you
that you can do it
again and again
until there was nothing left of me
and i hated
hated
myself
for teaching you to treat me
like i was nothing

you said that i clung too much and that i was making you drown
but how could you blame me? you kept throwing yourself at me
as if you were a life saver sent out to sea to save me
i was falling in and out of life around the time that you came by
you didn't save me, no, you aren't an ethereal being - you are just like me
you are just like me
human, merely being
here
where things tend to stray and life falls apart and comes undone
so i'm sorry that i clung
my love was too strong
but it was more than just love
it was everything and more
and you pushed me back out into the sea
but it's all right -
i never expected you to save me

later, i will go home
and i will not exist anymore
just as you wanted me to be
i am mute and i won't have eyes anymore to see
to see you
and how we were
and what we wanted, what you used to want
i don't except you to come and find me
you've made it all so clear
that i don't exist anymore
no, i do not exist anymore

people don't care
about people
like me
and once you realize
then you won't care either
about me

long ago,
do you remember?
when you used to write me love letters

she was the only thing that made sense to me on the days where i drank myself to no end
she was always so patience with her hands, ready to catch me whenever i stumbled in this drunken stupor
i know that it was hard for her to watch me **** myself with each sip i brought to my lips
yet she must know that i tried, i tried with all of my might to make everything right
so when she finally left, absolutely nothing made sense
and i cursed my empty bottles because that's all they ever became once i ****** all of the poison from them
empty, shame, left with no blame on anyone else but myself
she said i didn't try hard enough
and i broke all of the bottles as i sat within the remnants of glass
nothing
nothing
made sense

don't you dare tell me about my pain
when you have never lived inside of my brain

when you finally
hit rock bottom
you won't see me
when you look up
one more chance
one more hope
another play as your savior

you won't see me
because i was the only one
who tried to prevent
your fall

all of those lonely times where i crept down to the couch to sleep,
though you were lying in bed next to me
yet you weren't actually there
and i couldn't sleep
next to a body that no longer wanted me

my skin is paper thin*

he smiled and said,
"well i would love to set it alight, watch you burn, watch you fight"