i am so tired
but
everything that
exhausts me
keeps me
awake
at night

My head is filled with voices
Each have something to say
Telling me to make different choices
Each wants to get their way

I am trapped in a box of confusion
Inhaling water of a million oceans
My broken parts have suffered complete immersion
My heart has dealt with a thousand erosions

The voices chew through my nerves
Like acid
Their tone of voice swerves
Their faces placid

I have a gift for pretending
Keeping this smile on my face
As if my world was not ending
Even though that is the case

Dear Love,
People search for you.
They look in the faces on the street trying to find you.
People lose you.
You fade away from them, leaving them only with grief.
What they don't understand is that you are everywhere.
You are in every fibre of the universe.
People just don't think to look.
They think that you are just an emotion to be felt.
Just the pounding of a heart,
the quickening of breath,
the eruption of butterflies in a stomach.
You are all of those things, but so much more.
You are the sun's rays on the wet earth.
You are the branches of a tree, stretching outward,
outward.
You are the whisper of a child late at night when awoken by nightmares and in need of their mother's comforting arms.
You are the hand of a painter.
You are the mind of a genius.
You are passion, though not always held passionately.
You are devotion, though not always devoted to.
You are reverence, though not always revered.

Sincerest regards,
Humanity

I am trapped in a straitjacket
Unable to move
I may as well be in a casket

Trying to remember how I got here
Everything is so unclear
I am blindfolded and everything starts to disappear

Out of control
Out of my mind
Out of a soul

I fight against the sleeves
Thrashing, resisting
Trying so hard to leave

Doctors whispering reassuringly
But the words don't reach me
No matter how kindly

In an asylum you don't pay rent
Because you are a slave against your will
Held there just for thinking something different

Not a single letter
No one wants to talk to the insane
No one even thinks you'll ever get better

Then you lose hope in your own recovery
No one else believes it, why should you?
You forget what it is to even be free.

Alone
Forgotten
Unknown

This straitjacket gets no easier to bear
I pull and pull
But it gets no better to wear

the problem is
i care
too much
about
not caring

13 pills
5 in the morning
8 in the evening

I have to swallow them
One by one
Just to stay sane

They catch in my throat
Choke my screams on their way out

Keep my tears at bay
Before they fall

They slow the voices
In their chatter

Keeping the anxiety
From grasping and pulling at my heart
And pooling in the pit of my stomach

Or...

At least they're supposed to.

But my screams
Still stain the air

I still hear voices
Bouncing back and forth
In my skull

My heart clenches
My stomach tightens
With the anxiety that is supposed to be gone

And still I swallow
8 pills each night
5 pills each morning

13 pills each day

Someone hands me a problem
All wrapped in distress
Packaged in pain
"Can you carry this"

I see the hurt in their eyes
From carrying everything so long
I take the parcel with a smile
"Don't worry at all"

"Can you carry this?"
Another asks
Holding out a bag of sorrow
Laced with depression

"Of course"
I say
Without another thought

They relax
As the pack goes from their back
To mine

I sink lower to the ground

"Can you carry this"
Holding out a burden of self resentment
Tied with a ribbon of anxiety

"Definitely"
A little more won't **** me

The burden is set down on my shoulders
I get a little heavier
My bones aching with the weight
My feet digging cracks in the pavement

I paste a smile on my face

Then you come around
"Can you carry this?"

I took one look in your eyes
"Yes"

Your sack was the heaviest of them all
Grief
Shame
Heartache
Anguish
Torture

My very essence trembled
Under the weight
Of your burden

I was close to the breaking point

But you needed me,
So I carried on

Pretending that I could bear it all

the leaves fall in fall
is it really that simple?
they change color too

i have to keep myself together
for everyone around
i can't let them see my tears
can't make a sad sound

i should be able to open up
but something inside me cringes at the thought
keeping me locked up
tying me up in a knot

i long to break free
of these bonds i have caged myself in
i misplaced the key
sewn shut in my own skin

i need to release this pressure
this sadness needs to escape
find air that is fresher
i can't keep fixing it with tape

i need to rip the bandaid off
**** this fake smile
i don't care how you scoff
i need to be real for a while

let me cry
let me sob
let me die
let me throb

let me break open
split apart at the seams
i feel like i'm choking
on my own unspoken screams

sp1nning
fluctuat1ng
all around me

the 1mages never stay the same
as soon as 1 think 1 see 1t
1t changes
a small shift
throwing my percept1on 1nto a d1zzying dance

c1rcular room
m1rrors enfolding me
1n a reflect1ve embrace

1 see myself
warped
1n a million d1fferent places
a superf1c1al 1mage of me

the embrace of the m1rrors
turns strangling
constr1cting snapshots of my face

gasp1ng
chok1ng
for air

but relief does not come

1 am encased in a million different vers1ons of myself

My head came alive with whispers of excitement.
My heart beat to the rhythm of a chorus of drums
all in sync.
Electricity coursed through my veins,
replacing the blood.
Your eyes made me come alive with wonder.
Your smile made my stomach flood with the fluttering of a thousand butterflies.
Then you looked away.
The feeling faded,
as ink from an old, yellowed page.
My smile melted off of my face.
Tears trailed down my cheeks,
creating paths of pain.
You couldn't even look at me.
Couldn't bear to even glance in my direction,
as if just seeing my small, sloped frame caused you to crumble in waves of agony.
That realization,
that quick,
sure,
thought,
broke me to pieces.
Shattered me as if I was no more than a glass girl.
And I suppose that is what I am.
A fractured piece of glass in a world that was made to break me.

I am a walnut
A hard outer shell

Keeping my secrets within

Few bother to crack me
It takes too much effort
for such an unappetizing morsel

But those who do take the time
Find that once I am open
All of me has been spilled out to them

And I cannot uncrack


But he is a pumpkin
He opens for you

But you have to pull his secrets out of him
Bit by slimy bit
Until you have them laid out on a
table
and still you must sort through his insides
to find who he really is

And when you think you know
There is another secret
That he won't explain

He doesn't want you to know him

Oil on water

Sliding over me
This slippery
Never-ending reality

Grasping at nothing
Downward cascading
Hardly even breathing

Silk on silk

Words die on my lips
Things falling from my fingertips
My world caught in apocalypse

Everything gliding away
With each passing day
Everything fades to grey

On the verge of everything
On the verge of crying
On the verge of breaking
On the verge of jumping
On the verge of pulling the trigger
On the verge of swallowing the pill
On the verge of drowning
On the verge of collapsing
On the verge of not breathing

Just a breeze will ******* over

And I'll fall off of the edge

Ten
     words
                 is
                      not
             nearly
                 enough
                       room
                                 to
                                    tell
                               you

I used to dream but now I know
Dreams are just ignorant nightmares
Just ideas with nowhere to go
And no one who really cares

I want to have hope
I wish for a light
But depression says, "nope"
I'm left in the darkness of night

I cry alone
So no one hears
I'm on my own
To face my fears

Suffer in silence
Let no one see
This became my guidance
And then my reality

I put myself together
Over and over
Bruised, bent, and broken
The damage I cannot reckon

I fix myself everyday
Always broken a different way
Pretending I'm okay

I am a broadway star
My acting is steallar
I never miss a cue
In anything I do

The lights come on
A smile I dawn
Impressing the crowd
Their cheers grow loud

Time for the finishing act
This requires wit and tact
I take a slow, careful bow
I see a girl in the crowd mouth, 'wow'

Dear Death,
It seems as if everyone holds a grudge against you.
You have taken someone from everyone.
You have even taken everyone from someone.
Some threads you cut short.
Others evade your fatal scissors for longer.
But everyone's thread demands to be severed.
But I wonder if you are only doing your masters bidding?
Are you just a puppet on strings?
A thread yourself, to be maneuvered freely into a tapestry by a higher master?
Being blamed,
mocked,
ridiculed,
just for following orders?
It's like punishing the soldier for the general's war crimes.
Or are you the puppetmaster?
The keeper of all of the strings?
Do you control the balance of the universe?
Do you send the demons to do your bidding, or do you do the demons work?
There is so much that is unknown about you.
We talk about you like we have solved your puzzle,
but you are a labyrinth,
everchanging,
everlasting.
I hope one day we can appreciate your mystery.

Sincerest regards,
Humanity

I'm trying to shout over the screams.
Trying desperately to be heard over the blaring horns.
I try to see through the fog that strangles me.
I blink, hard, trying to get rid of the tears that swell in my eyes.
They are unwelcome,
like the troubles that caused them.
Grief
and agony
and doubt
encase my mind in impenetrable fog.
When I try to look through it, it only gets denser.
Stumbling and lurching through the mist on unsteady feet.
Screams tearing from my throat,
trying to express the agony that I feel so deeply embedded within me.
But this agony,
this pain,
this torture,
cannot be expressed,
Cannot be summarized.
The tears come in earnest, now.
Their salty taste touches my tongue and I hate that it is such a familiar taste.
Such a present taste.
The screaming won't stop.
My ears overflow with the sound.
The embodiment of my unspoken pain.
The things I have never said all shoved into one noise.
My head pounds,
all of the secrets shoving and tripping over each other,
searching desperately for a way out.
The walls that surround me squeeze.
I push and kick and claw at them,
but they stay firm.
My fists shatter.
My legs fall out from under me, giving up.
My nails are jagged.
And the wall is there,
pressing,
crushing,
trapping me.
Helpless.
Broken.
Trying to put the pieces together, but they no longer match.
Trying to find my smile, but it has fallen into the stormy seas of my anguish.
Trying,
trying,
trying.
My eternal curse.
To try, and to fail.
Trial and err
and err
after err.
A never ending circle of my torment.

Can't get enough air
Puts a smile on anyway
Skin becomes more fair
With each breath taken away

Don't look too close
You'll see through the cracks
Sadness overdose
Hidden with a mask

Tears held in
Barely holding on
Can't let the demons win
Must survive another dawn

Can't breathe
Getting faint
Too much
Too much
Can't breathe

Can't breathe

Takes the knife
Slices the skin
Maybe now the air can get in

Smiles
A real smile

Covered in blood

A last grin of relief

Maybe now I can breathe

I am underwater
No breath to be found
Encased in liquid
I am death bound

So deeply encased in water
I think I'll just swim down
Feel the pressure build
As I slowly drown

i play a song
full of dissonant chords
but i won't stop
until the last note

because maybe
someone needs to hear a song

i was being carried along
by these waves you call life

i was content,
without any strife

but those waves
turned into chaos

i am thrown to and fro
drowning and lost

hurricanes approach
i'm not ready

i can't fight this battle
can't keep myself steady

i am hurled across the tide
salt burning in every pore

i'm not strong enough
i can't do this anymore

If p-people were forms of l-language
I-I am a stutter of a p-person
I am h-h-hesitant
I can't s-seem to ex-express m-myself
It t-takes me a while t-to get m-my p-point across
People laugh in mock-mock-mockery

If people w-were forms of language
H-he is a s-s-song
He flows
He st-stirs the bl-blood in my veins
His rhythm i-is the only thing ke-keeping my heart bea-bea-beating
People s-sing along

I-I am over-overlooked
He i-is surrounded by admirers

I am st-staring at him,
dazzled, st-struck to the b-bone in wonder
He-he-he is laughing,
warmly, dance-dancing to his own b-beat

I am an un-unfinished thought
He is th-the beauty of a-a million harmonies

I
am
b
r
o
k
e
n

He
is
u
n
t
o
u
c
h
a
b
l
e

I wear many hats
i switch them up
Turn them
                                       in          
                             side
                                     out
I wear the hat
that presents me
as the person i am
in the moment

But how do I wear so many different hats?
how can i be such a
versatile,
flexible,
changeable,
thing?

Do I Even Have A Personality?
Or AM I jusT a BundLe of PaRts?

Interchangeable pieces,
No defined course of action

am i even a person?

or just a reflection of who i think i should be?

My heart gets tighter, tighter
The pain gets brighter, brighter

My eyes gaze upon his receding figure
He still has such a strong allure

The tears run fast, fast
The torture will last, last

I long to pull you back
Into my embrace where you have a knack
For giving me the love I lack

But you keep going farther, farther
And my world gets darker, darker

The longing tugs at my heart
Giving me a start

The heartache
I don't know if I can take
Soon my heart will begin to break
It's pieces I will have to rake
Out of the gutters and the lakes
Hoping that I will still wake

you are my muse
but i cannot make music

you are my inspiration
but my ideas are gone

when i write for you
the words turn sour

i cannot sing for you
the notes go flat

i love you
but we do not fit together

we are puzzle pieces
that belong
in different puzzles

we do not fit

i do not fit

how long
will this song
play on repeat?

when will they
hear it?

i stare at the pen in my hands
and think

i'd give
just about anything
to write my life
in

pencil

Sing, my love
As if you are whole
Sing, like a dove
With your whole soul

Let the melody carry you away
Let the harmony send you to a better day
Let the cadence fill you
Let the rhythm ring true

Sing, my dear
Let it wash away your pain
Sing, without fear
The air with music, you must stain

Let the melody carry you away
Let the harmony send you to a better day
Let the cadence fill you
Let the rhythm ring true

Sing, darling
No more crying
Sing, let your voice carry
To the end of infinity

i am a movie soundtrack
in the background

i make you feel things that you never notice
that you'll never even realize

i will whittle myself into your heart
but you'll never know i'm there

i stay folded within the bonds
of your unconscious emotion

you won't remember me
you won't know my tune
or my rhythm

you'll barely know i was there

but my melodies
my undertones
the cadences
that i impressed upon your soul

will forever be in your heart

when i cease to exist in your memory