maybe I'm meant to be alone

I've come to realize that
home isn't always the place with the welcome mat at the front door & cookies being made in the oven
or the suburban home with the white picket fence
or the cozy city apartment surrounded by lights & magic
but home is an idea or feeling you get
when around certain people
a house is only a place to live,
but a home is so much more
and suddenly I look around & realize I'm home

I'm sitting on my front porch
listening to the wind chimes
& loving myself
spending quality "me" time
as I watch the clouds roll by
Who said this day has to be about loving a romantic partner?

How can I take one day to celebrate my love for someone when one lifetime isn't even enough?

You were the sudden taste of champagne on my tongue
you gave me a taste of my future
and gave me courage
making me explode with every feeling imaginable

You were the choker on my neck
restraining your emotions with a hint of humor
changing the past & making it present

You were the pencil in my hand
erasing everything I thought I knew about love and coming up with your own definition

You were the view from my window
giving me a peak into a curious, beautiful new world awaiting me the chance to explore

You were the fog after the storm
unknown & mysterious
causing me to wander

You were the puppeteer
putting on a show
with me as your puppet
only to leave within a matter of time

You're a shattered mirror
Broken & cracked in so many places
The reflection now seen is distorted
and not what it used to be
yes, it can be pieced back together,
but even then it's not whole again
There are still flaws & fractures
I'm here to help you fix them
or leave them
because you are you either way
I guess in some fashion, we're all shattered glass
Messed up & broken
but still beautiful

From the smooth, delicate texture of fallen rose petals
To the soft, gentle blow of the spring wind,
God knew what he was doing when molding the earth
Looks can be deceiving
It's a beautiful haven
filled with love
and kindness
and controversy
and hate
How could something so striking be so deceitful?
With beauty, comes a price
I will choose not to
conform to society or
accept the wrongs of the world
Culture doesn't own me
God does
and He is my reason to live on this
poisonously gorgeous earth
In hope of a perfect heavenly home later

Making no sense is your forte
One day you're there
One day you aren't
You're like a wind
Rushing through my bones
Leaving me chilly
& the next day bare

Why are girls compared to flowers?
We may be sensitive and sweet
But we are tougher than a diamond
We should be compared to
the wind
or the sky
so beautiful
& powerful
& necessary

I yearn for something ever so strong
and adventurous
I want the feeling of
loving someone so much
that you just look at them
and think, "wow, I'm so lucky"
I feel like I could've had that
with you
If you'd stuck around longer
I guess circumstances really do change things

On this day,
with this unusually warm weather,
I'm reminded of what you used to be like,
what I used to know you as,
your tan skin,
your hazel eyes that
remind me of two worlds colliding,
your short, funny looking hair,
everything reminds me of you,
or atleast what I knew you as

Who are you
to pick on that person for things they can't change?
Who are you
to be so shallow & superficial?
Who are you
to not see the pain you cause with your words?
Who are you
to hurt the innocent?
Who are you
to hurt anyone?
Who are you?
Respect others
Spread love
We're all sisters & brothers
Share your thoughts,
while listening too,
this world wasn't made,
For just me or just you
It's a temporary home
That we can't take for granted
Because we will leave one day
And all that's left is what we've implanted
our thoughts & ideas
truly can change the world
everyone is a voice
waiting to be heard

Love is
a word used to describe
the feeling when two brains instantly click like a key in a door
or when you don't care for them to see you in your pjs with your hair looking like a nest because you know they don't care
it's even when they open the car door for you or wish you a safe ride home
and when you touch, the zing of electricity, not just the normal tingle, I'm talking about an electric shock magnified louder than your heartbeat
also, when you're holding hands and they make circle traces with their thumb over your hand
love can't solely be defined in one definition
but when you feel it, you just know

Remember that time when I thought that true love existed
& maybe I still do
but the only true love I know right now is with God
I don't know what to believe
Do we really fall in love?
Or is it more like a trap door?

You don't understand how dangerous I am
I'll treat you with the best of love
And make you the only one I see
I'll try to keep you happy
While keeping myself happy at the same time
But what you don't get
is that I
can let you go faster than you think
yeah, it would hurt me
but distance isn't an option
& communication is necessary
It's a double edge sword
I'm poisonous
but sometimes the taste of poison is ever so sweet

Blow out the candle
Let it go they say
Watch the smoke dance up in the air
And the flames leave
with a simple dance
As the wax hardens leaving a warm spot full of scented memories
But I don't want to let go
They can't make me

Writing

When I found it
I found new life

Raging through your flesh
making you feel anxious
picking through each part of your mind
suddenly you're frantic
making you lose your (little) bit of sanity
leaving you with insane memories
ripping your heart down an uneven line
leaves you wondering "Do they even love me?"
he's the monster that leaves a trail
he makes a difference on your life
he leaves you out to dry.... or die
it's survival of the fittest with him
                           Stress

Take me to the place
with streets of gold
and flowing green pastures
where there's no lack of sunshine
even when it's raining
and I can eat with my favorite people
whom were long gone before me
I can spend my days writing
about whatever thought fills my mind
I'll go on far out adventures
maybe to the moon
or atleast to the stars
I'll climb a tree and read a book
It'll be a living fairytale
There'll be lots of swing dancing & Frank Sinatra in this world
With a wonderful fill of Audrey Hepburn & Alfred Hitchcock movies
I can see a drive in theater in the distance
Along with a cute little diner
And a Polaroid camera
To capture my fantasy
And keep it locked away

Who is He that can set you free
from pain and captivity
Who is He where depth he does not lack
Substance He created, and in our foolishness He heals the cracks
He died for you and for me
It's Jesus Christ you see

After a year
I could barely remember you
& our memories
and that was heartbreaking

I wanted to say you guys wouldn't last
I know that was terrible of me
But I wanted it more than anything
I had this hope, that somehow, somewhere, it would happen
It hasn't been that long
but I don't want it to get any longer
and I know that it probably will
because you're "made for each other"
but what's the fun in being with someone predictable
you're a foreign country to me, and I want to explore

It was petty, really
what we had
but it was more than worth it
and you were more than worth it
and now you're totally gone
I came to that realization
when I noticed the flirty stares
and the nonexistent hellos you used to give
were as gone as you
and I don't know what to do

Self dependence is harder than I thought

I like you
maybe that's too vague
I have an immense infatuation with you
you make me feel so many emotions all at once
My heart & mind freezes up when you talk to me
You make me unable to speak (which normally ends up with some dumb reply)
When you ask how my day was, I wish I could tell you every second of it
when you joke around that nobody likes you, I want to scream, "but I do!"
Your personality is infectious and I just want to be around you 24/7
The most tragic part of all is
you're blind to it
and I don't have the courage to tell you

This one's for the lonely
This one's for the proud
This ones for the sad at heart
This one's for the loud
This ones for the tired
This one's for the poor
This one's for the quiet
This one's for the happy
The ones who can be free
This one's for everyone
Including you and me
You see, we're all the same, dear
We all seek something more
So next time you start judging
Think down deep inside
We aren't that much different
You don't have much to hide

Time is just trivial
and clocks are just toys
what's really pivotal
is that we enjoy
the life we are given
is not meant to be rushed
time is a heathen
and clocks make us mushed
mashed up vegetables
with no sense of reality
can't you see
we aren't what we are meant to be

Perhaps we need a God
If we don't have Him
we have nothing
Perhaps we need a God
to share our burdens with
and spill everything to
Perhaps we need a God
to believe there is hope after life
joy after death
Perhaps we need a God
so we can know
that one day all suffering will end
for those who believe
and one day we'll know happiness
far beyond we've ever known
and the truth will radiate from our eyes
Perhaps we need a God
to merely survive

"I have a dream"
he said
while wishes of freedom
filled up his head
He hoped for justice
where equality fell short
He even gave his life
as the last resort
A dreamer
A doer
A thinker
He rose above the crowd
Yet, he was just like them
His concept led to hope & a better nation
Yes, it's still a work in progress
But his dream isn't over yet

Everything can be poetic if you look at it that way

The way you smile and good off at yourself while brushing your teeth

The way the laundry does cartwheels in the machine

The way your curly hair falls right behind your ears

The way you smirk whilst trying not to laugh

The way you stifle a giggle at your crazy life

There is extravagance in the most normal of things we barely glance over

The cold makes a fool of my body
Shivering, shaking
What a beautiful contradiction
The glorious sun
With the freezing weather

The grooves in this picnic table
remind me of you
So rough and so spaced out
with small carved hearts all over
And splintered wood like your broken edges
Quite an average looking table
but something extraordinarily different

The difference is that
you are not a table
You are now nothing more than a silly boy in a part of my imagination that I keep playing over and over again

Here I am sitting on a park bench
thinking about you

Yes, I miss you wildly
No, I will not crawl back

Being without you has made me tougher
I no longer rely on you and your quick, witty humor to get me through the day

So, as the sun falls,
and a new day begins,
I don't need you
The world is calling my name
for better things
that you may not be a part of


But, then again,
I wouldn't mind if you came along

The wind tickles my clothes
as a soft, gentle welcome
The pavement knocks at my feet
to show its support
The flowers waltz through my nose
intoxicating my brain with sweet, sweet smells
The sun brightens my eyes
as if a wake up call
The birds serenade my heart
with their heartfelt melodies
The grass softens my hands
for the earth's light, yet heavy, touch
What a kind, broken place

These winter months are barren
with grief and nostalgic memories

As snow consumes the streets,
you consume my mind
Filling it up
and making me fall

The trees are naked and vulnerable
like you made me feel

We were a house without a roof,
a soldier without a shield

I should stay away from your poison
but the thought of you calls me back

Late night thoughts
                       turn into
                                  truth
                    ­                 honesty
      everything I'm afraid of

Why can't we die in dreams?
Is it because we haven't experienced death
or because no one knows what lies beyond?

Why can't we feel in dreams?
Is it because it's purely imagination
or because we choose not to go that far?

Why can't we smell in dreams?
Is it because our brains aren't processing
or because smells can be dangerous?
As can death and touch
It seems to me that in times of slumber
our brains protect us from all the power we have

A brain is a marvelous thing
Thoughts and communication
Stuck in little files
Waiting to be opened and remembered

Books;
the very bearings of our souls
pages of emotions just dying to get out
the stories of our deepest secrets hiding in

Books;
form of communication passed through time
memories shared and people changed

Who knew some sheets with jotted down words could mean so much?

Mothers cried for their children to see
The threat of this nation and it's captivity
Liberty, life, and the pursuit of happiness
Was never the truth, you see

What is guilt?
It's the feeling in the bottom of your stomach that makes you want to *****

It's the antagonizing voice in your mind reminding you of what you've done

It's the hard forgiveness someone gives when you go behind their back

It's the love given by those you've hurt

What a wretched feeling that can only sometimes be removed

It was but a dreary day
When the crows began to pray
When the harks began to sing
When the doves began to shout
All had gone upside down
Even the worst of them were begging for help
While the so called holy ones started the riots

Missing memories is much worse than missing a person
After all, everyone is a memory if they're gone

Hazel
What a quite adorable name for an eye color
so bright
so beautiful
That's how I felt about you
And perhaps, I still do
I just wish you knew
Because, hazel eyes, all I can see is me and you

I'm falling down the spiral staircase of loneliness
you could say
I'm heading into a downwards spiral

Enveloped by mixed emotions
Just put a stamp on me and mail me out
Maybe not

Let's have an extravagant bonfire for all the lost loves
Burn away the smoky taste of heartfelt memories
Let the fire be our passion
Bright and uncontrollable
And the ashes be the old gone forever
For we are two flames shooting up in a sky full of scattered thoughts and meaningless I love yous

I'm afraid
that one day the sun will come up
and the shadows will appear
Mocking me as distant wishes in the light
Casting their gloomy glow on my wanderlust
And making everything I thought to be true, seem like a lie
As the air that I breath could be miles from home
The shadows will taunt me and make me feel alone
The place that I longed for might no longer be there
And is possibly replaced with an inhumane city love affair
The shadows, they warned me, it was too good to be true
But the shadows trail behind me everywhere I go
With the goal of keeping me dissatisfied
But the only goal they've attained is loneliness

Up on a hill
Still in sight
Autumn browns and golds change with the night
But you stay the same
Snow falling down across your top
Each crystal like a stunning dagger
in the wind
And there you are, all the same
Though seasons change and colors fade, you never do
White house up on a hill, how I love you still

You want to know what isolation is?

Standing in a crowded room while feeling like the only one there

Sitting alone at a table for two

Talking to someone and not hearing a single word they breath out

You see, isolation can be felt in many ways
Loneliness is universal