Emotions, a temporary permanence that makes a life
Life, a temporary emergence that resonates memories
Memories, a temporary representation of loss
Loss, a temporary feeling of disconnect- a need to mourn

When will things change?
Don't get me wrong- I love a good tragedy, greedily eat words off pages that depict horrors beyond my own imagination.
I'd be the first one to laugh in a shooting, clap as the plane goes down.
Watch as another monster wearing a skin or religion becomes all that wardrobe is known for;
It's easy to see horror as comedy because of the gross recreations we see on TV, media paints a picture of a society where kids are shot in alleyways; where politics are like sport, one side needs to go home with an empty net
For what cause or reason?
Unknown and unspoken the general consensus is to agree with like minded individuals.
Because if that guy says that he's a terrorist right? If person A is afraid of person B than A is clearly the racist one, right?
Or am I missing the point, is this all misconducted, these stories make Shakespearean plays seem realistic.
If a kid can be shot because he speaks another tongue does the radical suicide of two star crossed lovers really seem that insane?

Today's another illusion, another dissolution with my reality
A casualty of war; a mind that can't handle sanity
The thoughts of thought long forgotten, independent
Exceeding all that was perceived, a unseen precedent
Of minds throwing thorns at the throats of lost children
Dreams of a crippled life of being hidden
That ripple beyond the dead sun and burdened eyes
We finally see nothing beyond the lies;

Thinking little, saying things that don't even correlate with my own thoughts
But I sometimes shake at the silence
Little twitchy movements, those of a child afraid to look under the bed
Is this all I'll ever be? A coward in a confidant shell?
So yes I shake at a blank stare
Shudder at thoughts about things that should scare
I am anxious

Such a thief, stealing so many of my glances
A Robin Hood, taking from my once rich heart
I had so much to love; yet locked it all from those outside
Allowing only collectors of childish heartbeats to enter;

Like most thieives, you work in the night
Quiet words, light touches,; you took all I had saved
If only you hadn't followed the story of Robin Hood so blindly
Because you gave my love to another.

I've made being depressed a habit
As if ceasing this life would make me feel less tired
Pretend that I learned something new to appease this emptiness;
Stuffing filth in bloodied wounds does not heal them
Bandages will never fully heal closed scars
Dying will never help this uselessness
I can only stay here, in between alive and dead
The catatonic state that I'm so used to

There is a strange feeling of contempt in my home
I've grown used to the beatings
Whether it be a tongue lashing or being dragged across the halls
Both feel the same, I no longer cry, I feel only emptiness
I expect it now, the scent of bourbon seems to follow it home
It clings to all life and ***** it dry, a concubine not fit to marry
We keep it in our closets, behind shallow doors that do not shut
As if to hide them.

Treat the flower in a dead field not as a statement but a marker
It stands in the corpses of fallen comrades as they slowly waste to earth
A gravestone at most, a parasite to all that its roots once knew
It will probably thrive more from their bodies then it did in their company
Dull linen hung over a coffin, a decorative use for a tragedy
Like broken signs, they always point in two different directions
Follow your mind and go off track, follow your heart and risk it breaking
Understanding is key, that is all you can strive for
To know those around you, to connect and touch hearts
Realize how much energy they take and wait
Watch them waste into a morning sun that does not rise
Then soak in what you've experience, be mournful yet strong
A gravestone if you will, turn into a name and a date
Become nothing but a stencil for children
Burnt paper and the past

It's always like this
We fight, kiss, makeup
Cries from both of our lungs
We **** each other when bodies touch
Like mourn less regret, we say no words
Our understanding lies just under sheets but it never escapes
Like caged words trying to break out of teeth
The only chemistry we have is alone in a dark room
Where no words are said and the only sound is flesh
We love our bodies not our minds
Like brittle flowers that bloom together, roots intertwined
Good night, good morning, a vicious cycle that has no end
But we've killed our fair share of souls
It's time to end this mess

With each thought comes disaster, a living corpse hung high
Oxymorons and illegitimate thoughts, broken voices
Tomorrow is the future but another days past
When it all ends there will only be dust
Rumbling pixie dust from nonexistent faeries
It's time to pull the batteries out of the controller
Auto pilot feels so good
Like tomorrow won't happen, never said those words
Just like that, stand still, stand tall
Eat your words as they leave, rot through your gums
Hang men with the melody that leaves your notes
Only then beg for solid thoughts, for one line
To end the thinking
Intoxication is so cruel, it let's me forgive my own tongue
How scornful

I didn't give them blood because it was all I had left to give
It was only that I valued my own time so much more
Wallowing in a trench was more important then talent
So I lied and said I did all I could
That I did so much and tried to get so far
But blood has only ever fed the heart not the mind
So what I gave was all forgotten
All I had left was this ******* time
Half wasted out of hope, half still slinking down;
A rabbit whole filled with aspirations of all I've ever wanted to be
Childhood dreams all scribbled out in desperation
I should've taken the easy way out when I had the chance
But a void made with blood can not be ended with slaughter
I'll just add to this red sea, hoping to fill my sight in a solid tone
So I can't see any of my past

I want to leave this place
I fear if I stay too long my roots will stick to the ground
I'll be dependent on this soil to survive
This concept is not abstract
It is a normality among the young
We haven't been exposed to the bird that never leaves the nest
So us soaring far off seems possible
So possible
But we only dream in impossibilities

Surrealism, a step from the reality we all face
It peers from under sleepy eyelids in the form of dreams
I, however, do not dream
Motionless black is all that I am granted
The psychological bounds are grainy at best
I see no rocks, mounds, structures of earth, not even white noise
I admire those who can see beyond imagination
Whether maniacs or artists they stand tall in my mind
I don't move or breathe I am frozen in waste

I read philosophy, not for fun, for meaning
I allow it to wrap my brain, tie it in little bows
Let Marx spell out socialism, let words lead to communism
We all live in caves, ignorant to the masses, see shadows and shout Plato
Nietzsche yells 'God is dead' in pain and alone
Religious intent allows us to believe, lies or not
Let men of a hundred years question my fate
Intimidate my senses, let me question everything
Even simple, we learned when, why and how as children
But we did not experience true questioning
Whether we truly chose to believe or not, I still don't know
Question my faith, my thoughts, my feelings
Let my words shatter out
Fall apart

I've got to be a *******
I drag my bloodied body back home after each visit
Stitch together my mutilated tongue with each kiss
I've never cried but god help me I'm close to trying
Cold blooded fighting, I'm sorry
Void-less sleep, I see only light and misdirection
1,000 and 1 side roads and no map
I got more keys then I'll ever need but they all only open one door
I crawl back to you, on my knees, begging for a slap, a punch
A brutish reality to stop the unease
But your words are too sweet, they hurt my gums
The only metal you own is a shield, sacrifice your lungs to block me
******* you must be a *******
Cause you let me break my bones on your skin
Ruin you with each word
I'm sorry

May god bless the man with no tongue
He screams through filtered teeth
Tells no lies, only stories
With each wasted breath
Jaw hung low, regret and despair
He made but one error in his words, they hurt the masses
Silent cries, mournful whimpers
Let god bless his blasphemous tongue and its great departure
Tickets away, flowing land
Huffing steel- trained thought, shouting

A reflection is just that, colors and light colliding
A personal connection between you and the walls
Binding your soul to the very ground you stand
Bending light ever softly
Little shadows are your armed guards
They'll protect your mind in the dead of night
Revelations over the shadows, a tea party of silence
No sleep, no thought provoking answers
A meaningless existence that exists to have meaning
Thoughtless turns, sighs, unwavering eyes
Paranoia- the curtain surrounds you in dusk
Awaiting your awakening
The only thing that blesses your eyes is exhaustion
Slamming shut the doors that smokey glances feared
Finally, as dawn approaches, it is time to sleep

Crush your bones into a fine powder
Twit your mind in little strings, tie and tangle them
Gouge out your eyes, lie about sight
Shred your limbs, tie them like bows
Rip off your nails, glue on plastic
Keep lying
Keep it up
Stop breathing
Your lungs are just birthday balloons
Only needed for special occations

You ask me why I don't want to go to college, to have kids
Like I haven't thought of the possibilities
Of having years of experience combined and passed on
But you locked the door and swallowed the key
I could buy a house for a doctorate
Feed my family for a masters
Pay for my medical fees with a bachelors
Drive to work for an associates
All just numbers, no rhyme or reason
Jokes about jumping in front of a train to avoid student loans
The thought is a holy grail idea to some
I won't throw my kid or any other human into this world by will
Where the police that guide the free make us afraid to move
I will not have kids, I will not go to college
Because if I do I'll lose more of myself
I have so little left
And I'm still selling any dreams I have left for pennies

Will you remember me when I am gone?
Will you see me to the grave?

When my body is grey- a stone
When my mind has long since abandoned you here

Will you catch me? Let me fall into your arms?
Will you be able to let go?

Watch me vaporize into light
Watch me disappear, forever

Will you sell me as broken parts?
Will you try to rebuild me

Will y o  u   r   e      m        e        m        b        e           r        m   e?

This industrial silence fills the room
It came from the gears in my throat
The press that carved my serial number into the back of my neck
It tasted like metal
From the iron gated assembly line that we all hold standards to
Of living and dying and repeating
Again and again
Assembled with little care, defects thrown away
Silent voices
We did not make them ourselves
They were made to be shoved down our throats
Until we die from lead poisoning

This is a document that you will never save
The unspoken words between you and him
Apologies
Things that can now never be sent
You copy them over, once maybe twice
Afraid that if you completely delete them they are gone
They never existed
Just like the apologies you meant to say
They fell flat before even reaching your fingertips

My skin aspires to be more than just a doll, a story, a song.
More then just a picture book, more than something you only read in bed
Not bound by leather or the clothes on my back
Call me an individual, for that is all I want to be
We strive for normality when all we want is peace
A peace that can only come when we realize we aren't art
We are not paintings to just for viewing
We are history itself; we are not one idea
I do not strive for greatness, I strive have a place to stand
A tree in a forest of graves

I still don't understand how these rotted pieces of flesh form words
The scratched diary of an insane man in the walls
Bleeding with every word that escapes
Like a cell, it only holds criminals
No keys and only one way out
Thoughts escape all the time
Repeat offenders, stuttered sounds
Silence is justice on a street of fatal shootings
How can peeled skin show love when it can spew so much hate
I say good bye as I assault another man with my words
Beat him until he knows the words I'm sorry
I'm sorry

I feel the daisies sprouting in the cracks of my skin when I see them
Blooming with all their might, screaming
They go towards the light, he is all the sun I need
Burning, they blister out like tumors, pain that echos in my body
It doesn't really hurt however, the good times out weigh the bad
They attract butterflies that well in and out of my stomach
The roots choke the words I wish I would have said
When I explain this to him, he sounds sad, sorry
I try to tell him how it really feels, all the gory details
And the small but beautiful ones, like how these flowers let you forget the world
They let me float with him, weightless and light
I understand that this is more then a flower, it is love
And it is something I will never be able to describe clearly

Falling
Fleeting
This disaster repeating
A relapse
Small words
Make them easy to understand
I can't think to much
There is no permanence
I can only see what's in front of me
Little dreams
I strung them along
I tried to see the line
Trying to connect them all
Little droplets
I don't know if they are tears
Another relapse
Mistakes and mistakes
Again and again
I find my self here
Walking the line between dreams and reality
But both directions are dark
And I can barely breathe

Silence and sullen breaths
We are all tired now
Sick from a life of thinking
So I sink, deep into my thoughts as they rip me open
Both a horrifying and comforting embrace
I sleep
Knowing all these thoughts shall drain
Never to be seen
Never to cross my lips
Calmly dying in the reservoir of my mind
Like birds trapped in a cage

This thought is just another tree in a forest of problems
So I'll cut it all down, I'll burn this forest to the ground
Make it so I no longer have to think
So my brain can finally melt away
We can start anew
With all this extra lumber
Build a whole new town
One with a little less corruption
With a little less thought
More conformity
Because what broke me was not acting the part

You were a leaky faucet
Letting words out on accident
Wasting what little water you had left
Dripping
Slowly
Draining into the sewer
All alone
You were slowly dripping away

They ran out of choices
When a disease isn't a disease
An infection of the mind needs therapy not pills
Money isn't infinite however
So I make my own sugar pills
By telling myself I'm fine
I lie to myself, a constant state of overdose
With artificial dopamine
A simple drug and fake smiles
Little lies in little pills
As I slowly lose me

Gut me
Tear my apart and sell my pieces
Individually, I wouldn't want to be remade
Donate me to charity, let the poor devour my corpse
Let me forget
To fall into the deepest slumber we humans know
Fall
Fall into a void or a cloud, I do not care
I am just so tired
Hang me out to dry
I'm tired of this soil
I want to be reborn
So let me rest my soul in you
As my body becomes earth
We will sing and dance in my dreams
The wind will be our songs
I will finally be able to breathe

We are a selfish species
Global warming, nuclear warfare, ******
We created out own fears, they all centralize around us
You don't see a mouse setting its own trap
But we polluted out environment beyond recognition
No longer worrying about survival
We go through each and everyday no longer looking up
We spend so much time thinking about people we'll never meet
Because we're all dying
Slowly
And we've accepted it

The barbie doll lost her hands
They were cut off by society's demands
Starting from the fingers, they were easiest
A waist larger then a twig just wouldn't fit
So chop, chop, chop went the first finger along with her meals
Touching limbs, no thigh gap
Another ******* thrown up in the toilet at 2am
Painted her face too much, too little
Chop, chop, chop goes two more
Another budget spent on fixing her hair
Ripped out another finger in an anxiety attack
Pressure, pressure to give in
She gives him her body and he takes two more fingers
Hunger pains, you still can't see her hips
She swallows the finale ******* along with cotton
He takes her palms with him as she leaves
All she has is a broken body and empty limbs
A perfect doll

Air
I'm at a loss of words
Breathing
Heart beating
Faster and faster
Warm breath collides
Lifeless
Warm and fleeting
A body
A corpse
Rotting disaster
Maggots dig in
We melt in the ground
Branching out
Plants
Life
Lifeless
A gravestone
Sign your name on the x
And breathe

Let me poor my soul into you
I just need some time to breathe
My lungs are being punctured by doctors
They are no longer mine
Blood spreads disease and family
It's roots are veins, we are trees
Rotted to the core
A single insect can ruin the water supply
I wish I was told that before I left the house
I would've packed a noose

My relationship with life was as unhealthy as mine with death
I took them like pills, small doses each time
Never at once, I've always been told not to mix alcohol with antidepressants
Me and life lived like Romeo and Juliet
We only met in secret
Quiet smiles at stupid stuff, subtle and unsound
Death always took me away though
It carved my skin and tied me in red
Little red ribbons
Carved deep into my thighs, the wrist was too predictable
Again i'd try to be taken, my dearest start crossed lover
They'd bubble smiles across my lips
I wonder when they started to feel fake

I could see the color drain from your eyes when you looked at me
The ocean that had been your sight dried up
You realized the truth
We realized the truth
I didn't think depression was an infection of the mind
I didn't know it could spread
The more you tried to hear me out the more you agreed
I'm sorry
I didn't know it would be this way
I didn't think you'd try to carve yourself in my shape

We stopped talking
I can remember the last text you sent me
The five word text took you too long to write
I don't know when the war had started, peace quickly drained
I swore, you yelled, neither of us really understood what we were saying
At least I hope, my brain is still mixed with fear and grief
I said some really stupid ****
We were just so similar I saw the parts I hated about me in you
I collected dust in my mind, it coated the casket like a sheet
That was our difference, the main thing that set us apart
I hid my insecurities behind lies, burying them until I could forget
You fed them whatever happiness you had left
You were afraid if they left you wouldn't be you anymore
You tried so hard to fight them without killing them
but
They killed you in the end
A tightly wound rope could do what you never could
The thoughts were gone but so were you
I still have that text
Those same words that we told each other time and time again
After every argument
"I'm sorry, I love you"