Congrats you did it again
You threw your own pity party and took it all away
I'm just 'so sorry' for your loss
These atrocities you've committed
With your bare hands
It's hard for you apparently
So all you can do is cry in pain
A broken animal without a purpose
The wingless bird we all pity
What a shame
It's happening again
More people will fall for that trap
I can't wait to see it fail

How pathetic
I need only one word to describe a story
An entire lifetime of words summed up in seconds
Sickening
These words that cross a million lips
Being condensed into one or two syllables

Today I am alone
It isn't anything I didn't expect
Your with her and I'm here thinking about you
I left your thoughts long ago
You buried me and your friends together
A new start
But a corpse left in the ground begins to rot
I'm with the earth six feet under while you bask in the sun
I'm here
I'll be here until roots fill what empty space is my heart
She'll be next to you

My mind has wandered to you again
As this pillow welcomes my empty skin I start to think
On this day of love you'll be with her
Your touch, so warm, will be with her
I wish I could hold them
All the times we had
These sleepless nights might mean something then
I was wrong to think that this husk of a human could love you
I know that
But I can't wish you happiness
Only a few dozen night have passed
All those nights that I haven't slept, enveloped by cold
Even so as I lie here freezing, knowing what I need to say
I love you
so much
Good night

At the same time reality hit me in the face I realized my world was fake
A pop-up book filled with misadventure
It's not your fault
A child needs to become an adult at some point
You just helped me open up my eyes a bit

It's so easy to get confused
To mix violence and love together
Apologies and lies
They are all mistakes
A simple question asking for help
Turns into a night of horrors
Nightmares ensue in gardens of flowers
They wither and die with every breath
A raining shadow of empty dreams
I've made a tomb out of my own grief
I tried to put myself 6ft under
Life and death go hand and hand
You can't have one without the other
So when I wanted to die I was told
I just need to live
What I've done so far is nothing more then sleep walking
I'm on autopilot and I'm not taking anything in
A schedule that repeats itself has never been so empty
Then a person with less life then a corpse

I am frozen
Chapped lips and broken bones
The open wounds will never close
I can't move, let alone breath
Can someone please unfreeze me
Frostbite has taken its toll
My mind is broke and I'm alone
A lock blocks an open door
Please god help me I have froze
The years stopped along with winter
The cold mist fills my home
I'm all alone

Skin hanging through the air, a hot air balloon about to land
Run by thoughts and feelings
It is hot air
There is no place to land
No place to put my feet down
My mind is numb
I don't know how to move a machine with no power
Move a ship with no water
My mind is hot air
It moves my stitched together skin
Thread breaking at the seam
A body rejecting the sky but not wanting to crash

I'm not speaking of war
or the phrase 'Freedom isn't free'
Did we even choose to have those words shoved down our throats?
Are we truly free when we have so many things we have to do
Go to work
Go to school
Go to college
We act like we choose to do so
Most are afraid to be crucified by a dead society
Of parents and friends already moving on

Is there freedom in fear?
The fear of choosing and the fear of dying
We pick out what we wear but even that's restricted
By price tags and labels
People are still judged for their tone but not who they all
Like chains mark us when we are born
White, black, male, female
Terms are used to describe us before we can even understand them
They're used to decide how we spend our lives
So then... how are we 'free'?

Someone drowned
We all line up around the sea as they search for more bodies
A boat turned over on a winter night
Teens can do the dumbest things

The body count triples and so does the tweets
Yelling 'I'm so sorry for your loss' before a mother can even grieve
That's the only thing spoken about for days
Different words fill the air
Most scream-
'They were too young, it's a tragedy'
Then they whisper-
'It was natural selection'

We march to the sea with candles in hand
Most don't even know the names of who died
Yet they act like they have the right to defend the dead

There are no banners
Only street lights directing traffic
and People excited for a story
Not caring who's next

Did Romeo know Juliet would be the last beautiful thing he saw?
or is the Night-blooming Cereus fine with only seeing the night once a year
I always thought that falling in love would be different
I thought a day wasn't enough
but after I met you I realized that I'd die for just a glimpse at your face
a moment to hear your voice

A low hum is all that's left of our love
I silent melody of our hearts together
Beating in sync
No one ever told me how deadly a crack could be
Like a dam once it appears the water drains
I noticed your interest when you wanted to know her name
I realized the love between us had flowed out
So I left you alone
Saying nothing
I knew you wouldn't have the heart to leave
you were so cruelly kind
That the last song we sang together was goodbye

The air is lead
It fell to the ground and out of my lungs when you left
It was tied to you, like a dog on a leash it followed you everywhere
The moment you decided that scars were better left unhealed the leash was let go
The air was terrified of the life without you and left me alone to grieve
How sad
All of this emptiness and not enough air to let me sob
A hollow wheeze has earned its place in my heart
The air is lead
It leaves little trace

I am blank and I am emptiness
I wonder how long I’ll remain this way
I hear the wind pass me by everyday
I see people walk around me
I want to be noticed, I need color
I am blank

I pretend to have color
I feel like I’ll be plain forever
I touch the sky to try to steal its meaning
I worry that I might actually take it away
I cry when I realize that I’ll never be the colors everyone wants
I am blank

I understand the impossibility of it all
I say that I’ll find ink
I dream about the day when color flows
I try to reach towards that feeling
I hope that one day, I’ll be able to join the sky
I am blank

The mirror in my bathroom is cursed
There is a crack from when you tripped and fell
I think I can still smell the blood

The last time I saw you it was spring
Pollen filled the air with the words 'I love you'
My foolish tongue made me say it, it wasn't me

I know how much it hurts you
Hearing those words from the girl you grew up with
The next store neighbor who you treated like a sister

The mirror shows the blood you thought we shared broken
Because you've stopped speaking to any of us
It's empty now, a crack is all the memory you left in this place.

I remember stardust
It fell from your words with every goodnight
Like a soft trickle it would ease me to sleep
Every night your words floated in the air until the light joined me again

Your words were sometimes sharp
When I drove the car into the ditch you showed your fangs
Not as a threat, but, in a hostile way to hide your worry
Even through scarce breaths you managed to ease me

The voicemail is all that is left
Of years and years of memories
I haven't seen stardust since your mother passed,
You laid it in the coffin next to her and buried it alive

We fear the unknown for reasons we can't even fathom
Whether it be the uncertainty of jumping either into water or spikes
or the fact that a mother's milk can be a poison
We forget that blades can be words and blood can be wine
and even though we know this, we still claim that all humans have humanity
We fear the unknown because we want to forget- even for a moment that there is something worse then what we already know

I'd love to say your smile is like the sun
Something that shines brighter then anything else
but
You aren't like the sun
You are a gentle giant unable do harm
You are the only reason I do not burn when surrounded by the world
You are the calming moon
You chill my bones and relieve the pain of the day
The night is so much better
So let me bathe in the moon light once more

We talk about dreams as if they are something that can be grasped in our hands like candy from a store or money from the jobs we work as a 'stepping stone' to our dreams
We forget for a moment that dreams are like sand that cannot be grasped so carelessly
We see the sand on the beach and pretend that we are better then that
We see the remnants that others once held and we look towards the sea with such ambition that we forget the sand in our hands and let it join the dust
Just for a moment in the sea

Tell me harsh promises I know you'll break
I don't care
Just stand by me
Because this lie with only one person in love
This lie with only one person being tricked to love a monster
Is so much sweeter then being alone
And I'm so tired of being alone

My body is clinging desperately to my stomach
Trying to get me to feel the butterflies I felt in your present once more
The pain I feel is no longer the bitterness of love
But the stabbing pain of regret
So let's end this with a smile
This affair with a love that wasn't meant to be
Has to end now

I saw you in my dreams
You smiled like it was yesterday
Before we had the fight
You smiled like you couldn't know evil
You smiled with such innocence that I could cry
Because that innocence broke for me
And the evil followed soon
I can't believe I hurt you
Because when I ripped my own heart out
The string connecting us ripped your heart out too

I'm like a dragon
I breath fiery words with the coldest impenetrable scales
That make it so no one can get to my heart
I am a dragon that eats people alive
I'm the beast that haunts the dreams and rules the sky
But like the dragon that I hold so highly
That's just a dream
Another fake fantasy
Caused by my childish personality
As I wait for each day to end the same
And my schedule to repeat
I am no dragon, simply a girl who needs to sleep

I try to think of the positives
Not electrons but things that I like
But my mind draws a blank and I know that it's wrong
But I can't think beyond today
And I know others like that
The nomads of our minds
We explore the depths that shouldn't be crossed
And we wonder 'why' too many times
So while the negatives hit me like a bullet from a loaded gun
The positives avoid me like the rich
Too good to touch the poor

I went out that night to look at the view and think
But I made the mistake of letting someone see
And when they saw they told me about how smart I was
Because it was so thoughtful that I looked up at the sky
And they said I was a dreamer
Who looked up at the stars with hopeful eyes
And I couldn't avoid a lie
I couldn't tell them that that night I wasn't watching the stars
But I was watching the headlights fly by
And I was wondering what time would be right
For me to stop staring and take my own life

I've always hated ending things
When I was younger I always left a single sentence unread in a book
Because that way I could say that the story wasn't over
The story wasn't finished and my imagination could thrive
But as I got older books became more serious
Characters died
I couldn't have that
Death meant the end so when a character died I would stop reading
I'd say the plot didn't interest me and throw it away
And this ideology took over my life and I procrastinated
I put things off as long as possible
And then when my grandfather died I did not bat an eye
It was just like the books I read
'Nothing happened, just don't bring it up'
I did that, every time someone died
Someone got hurt
A story ended
I avoided it like the plague
But what do you do when someone dies in front of you
When you hear the shallow beat of a dead heart
And when that happened I wept
Not because of something so ridiculous as a death
But because I realized I had turned into someone that didn't care
I had watched someone die
And the beep of the dead pulse only annoyed me

You looked at me like I was a god
A being filled with beauty and hope
But that is not love
That is admiration
And I can't kiss you at night knowing that
Even if what I feel is the purest of love
I know that you need someone that doesn't make you kneel and pray
But someone that will stand on equal ground
That will cry and laugh with you
And that isn't me

I hate my genes
Being in front of a grandmother that has forgotten her own name
And then watching my own father follow her footsteps
Seeing the days go by while they are stuck in the past
In a time where forks and spoons were nameless tools
My grandmother lost the ability to even speak
That was before she left us
She left us not with a smile but with a set of eyes that had glazed over
Eyes that couldn't see the future and couldn't remember why
And when she finally parted ways she did so in her sleep
Because that was all she did anymore
And now today I had to remind my father
That we could not go visit her
And that I was not my sister
And he laughed a pitiful laugh saying he knew
But that night I heard him crying from across the house
Because he knew that he'd end up a broken story
That his years of learning the worlds history was useless
And that he couldn't even remember his own
Or why he got up
And he had forgotten why he was crying
He had forgotten why
So he just fell asleep

I'm tired and I need help
Stress has made a noose and I am at the gallows
For dawn has lasted far too long
And my hands a weary from pulling myself up
You took the blade from me
And I can no longer even cut myself free
Perhaps the fleeting moments of flying will be worth it
But for once I want to see the sunset
I'm confused and scared
My hands are blistered
But for now I'm holding on.

I never thought much about the how the seasons change
It was a fact of life that seemed to float right past me
I never appreciated the change it could bring until I visited you
The place where your body rested under a stone name tag
Was colder then the spring air
So when I knelled to speak to you like I used to
I was shocked
Flowers had started to bud in the freshly dug soil
And it suddenly hit me that you were gone
Time wouldn't stop for you or I
And I had to start over
For the first time in years I wept like a child
I can no longer live in the shadows for I might wilt
So I'm sorry that I must go, I might never visit you again
But I need to find a place where I can bloom

When I sleep my body heavies
It sinks into the ground
It merges with the earth
And I become one with the sound
I become the words the tongue
When saying 'I Love You'
I become an importance that can't be replaced
My presence is irreplaceable and impossible to ignore

When I sleep my breath matches my heart rate
Slowing as I fall
So when it spikes again
And morning light rises
I morn the loss of my importance
The the need for me disappears
So my choices are minimal
I can either never sleep
Or never wake up

A simple blade
Treading the skin so carefully
That the blood only glistens at the top of the wound
A simple cut
That doesn't bring pain
But let's the blood pool below
Skin is fragile
Easily broken by both accidents and words

I'm called an artist when I draw someone else
I'm called selfish when I draw myself

A year before she died we walked around the melting snow
She had told me that she envied it
And I always thought that it was because of the beauty of it
Or how it sparkled in the sun
I only found out when I read the note
That she had left on her bed
That she hadn't wished for beauty
She wished to fade away

Thinking carefully comes with being paranoid
And rational thoughts are all you try to maintain
But rationality doesn't help when dealing with death
Because knowing something can disappear so fast seems impossible
So we block it out
And don't react
Even when we know the end is the realist thing in the world
We close our eyes and say goodbye
Thinking that they just went on a trip
And we will see them again soon

I think I might be ill
Because my head does loops trying to express itself
And the morbid fascinates me
Blood and guts were roses in a garden that was so beautiful
And pain was the same as happiness
A rare and joyous feeling
Yes, I am sick
But it is a disease that is slowly spreading
As more become desensitized to graphic imagery
And more of us wish to see something new
Something that makes us ponder