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Jun 2022 · 643
cleann98 Jun 2022
if only any crowd i enter
could give me that same old
mystic ecstatic airborne drug
of elated nightblindness...

or at least a break from this
damp dormant disillusionment,

you would definitely find me
anywhere roaming rampant
restless and so discontent—

        —instead of gasping
        for oxygen that
       we didn't already
        use up together,

or suffocating myself
with the refused exhales
i used to scream out
as soon as you weren't there
to listen to me obediently
accordingly silently suffer...

                 you did tell me once before
      that you will do to me
                     ...whatever you wanted to;

well, now that i seem to
no longer matter to you,
would you be so kind
and take away all this*
useless infected air away too?

       cause if breathing
   just means to inhale
            the same breath i used to
         cry out every single night
    i let you scar and bruise me...
why the **** would i?
May 2022 · 576
mild bittersweetness
cleann98 May 2022
colored handprints alight
splattered in dots and lines
a glassy pillow stretches
its wrinkled and hairlined skin
               stretched wearing thin..

a hold on the waves
grasping currents
   rushing farther and farther

painting the vastness
of this open ended question
muddled muddied marred
      blurring in sight
not sure if this is an incomplete work or just an incomplete person's rambling...
May 2022 · 929
gallop apace.
cleann98 May 2022
bid me break out from thy wilted willows;
beckon, my reckless abandon allowed;
touch to rouse korre her fearful sorrows;
for thine to err is my own will't enshroud.

shy, ajar curtain, love-performing night;
for thine vows aplain, tacit, unspoken;
thine weary worn feet to wash incontrite;
alas, love: rest unwoed of wheres or when.

not tamed nor swayn, no fam'ly to relent;
no montagues, no capulets, unnamed;
none more days wasted wishing a time bent;
just apollo's sky, ne'er beating hearts blamed.

say, dear romeo, has love now grown stale;
'thout sweet poems and tearful eyes to watch us—

another pretty old one~~ i think i made this even before the pandemic?

the title and the rest of the poem is based on a beautiful soliloquy from act iii scene ii of romeo and juliet. the poem is written in an almost perfect shakespearean sonnet format with the exception of an extra syllable or a failed rhyme at the very end (or the bad iambic pentameter in the second stanza)^

did you know that that particular soliloquy in itself would have been a perfect sonnet if it wasn't for romeo's name that just wouldn't fit the line neatly? ****, if only their names were different huh...

anyway, thank you for reading~~
May 2022 · 1.2k
cleann98 May 2022
there's just something about
the stillness of these stones
that sings me to tears—
     today is august 5, 2026...
     today is august 5, 2026...

so screams the years of
layers of dust encrusting
the petrified earth; lonely,
rid of her supple footsteps
to graze and wipe it clean.

like the stagnant roots
that seem to have given up
creeping to grasp for any
foot to cling to or touch
i can only stay so still...
     knowing oh so well
     everything we touch
     turns only to soil.

i could act myself a fool
greeting barren outcroppings
only to the reply of my own voice
hoping that the once green grass
would once again bloom
to the bliss of my welcome—
     but i'd rather settle for silence...

instead of crackling leaves;
stepping, all i heard were
my shoes against pavements,
failing to muffle the cries
from underneath my feet.

*someday, somehow
i will make it so
these lands will know
soft rains once more—
something i wrote before my life just started shutting down~~ partially inspired by he short story 'there will come soft rains' by ray bradbury (hence the august 5, 2026 thing) and mostly just from he rush of feelings i had imagining how my now abandoned childhood home (where the ashes of my mom, dad, grandpa, and grandma are) back in the province looks like when i would eventually return there...

this poem means a lot more now after visiting there last month for the first time in two years since the pandemic began and yeah ._.
May 2022 · 563
soon skywalker
cleann98 May 2022
light footsteps as i was taught...

i have learned to balance my legs
like the precise swinging
      and swaying
of a well maintained metronome

in fact, they could very well move
on their own if i asked them to.

picking up the stars at the tip of my fingers,
connecting the fainting lights at the black
until i could form something
good enough to at least imagine it real

        or at least to make a good story about.

breathing in intervals
as the skies would allow
feet planted firmly
solid, stuck on the ground
i can only dance for now...

under the loudly singing
roaring sea of starlight
the half moon reaching out
to call me back home
i can only extend my arms
to sign a silent promise

here in the dark prison of gravity
the blackness of twilight taunts me
soon o' little skywalker

the day will again come
and hide my moonlight
and yet all i can do is
wait watch and practise--

**i can fly higher than this
thank you for reading!
i'm still in a slump ;-; maybe i'll start posting old poems i haven't put here yet just as buffer but i do want to be active in poetry again since i'll be composing songs again too ._.

btw do you think this poem is optimistic or pessimistic?
Jan 2022 · 727
babbling brooks.
cleann98 Jan 2022
cold autumn waters
rushing its way
underneath my feet
weaving through
             toe to toe
          hacking its way
                   through the legs of my seat--
so naturally shining
the reflected beams
of sunlight
          knew how to pick
                which stream
        of which inch
                      of which hairline
               of the river
                            to show oh so clearly
            straight into my eyes--
this was exactly how
                                    i remembered
    the words flowing
                singing and dancing
         all so merrily in my mind.
                      and yet
   i sit and stew
              in the comfort of my room--
          the fan spews nonesense
       whispering frigid sweet nothings
                      it distracts me
                  so i turn it off.
                      the light shone too brightly
                showing me far far too much
         it annoys me
                         so i turned it down.
                   the natural sounds
               the allure of the wild
                        the little chirps and peeps
                      and the babble of the brooks
i remember none of them
sounding like the clicks and clacks
        that i hear with every press of my finger
                             and every character i delete
                it discomforts me
                        i took a deep breath.
             and another.
                             closing my eyes
       i still saw a faint red through it's thin lid
                   i tried to picture
    the same magical world
                             i used to write in
               back when i was a bard
                     and everything
         the light touches
                                       would be my kingdom
                            my muse.
               and i smiled...
                     all my vivid recollections
       the people and worlds i breathed life to
                  the words that used to be so so alive
             it all felt empty
                    so i opened my eyes
    and tried to write again--
and it turned out... subpar •.• sorry, it's heen two years! i promise my writing senses will thaw out eventually °^°
Jan 2020 · 269
oh the ways i missed you—
cleann98 Jan 2020
the crooked and
mishandled alleyways
of words to whisper
have always riddled
the backstreets of my mind...

i mapped them,
longer than enough
to see the ins and outs
i've known them,
more than enough...
like the palm of my hand
or the skin on my face.

it has always been
a palimpsest
of the maze i used to
be sealing myself in—
   or perhaps seeping myself out.

there were promises,
there were poems,
and of course,
there was you.

and every single word,
or every single way,
i have always been
tongue tied and
waiting and just so
so long overdue—

stuck in the prison
of a misfortunate fate...
knowing the means
and never escaping
somehow still lost

   afraid of ever stretching ways.

'hey, long time no see—'

'happy birthday! want to talk—'

'happy new year hope we still get together!'

    everything just comes out in clicks...

eyyyy i'm back omy thank you for reading!! just my regular lost and tongue-tied dude again... brand new year for brandished excuses and branded lies~~~

good day!! please comment and critique and stuff, you've read in this far anyway might as well c:
Aug 2019 · 384
cleann98 Aug 2019
take care to never
confuse magic and
illusions in your mind...

you only call it
a lowly 'illusion'
when someone else
is fooling you

but it's always
ever been 'magic'
when you're the one
robbing yourself blind.
'tis weird right? like we can grow into the disillusionment from smokes and mirrors but still call it magic as if a mystical lexical escapism from the bittersweet fact that it's also called trickery.

nonetheless, thanks for reading^
Jul 2019 · 612
entschuldigung. [haiku.]
cleann98 Jul 2019
i've shed my own skin
drowning in flammable blood
and yet i still thirst—
okay, i promised a friend i'm gonna have to write a longer version of this so imma do that real soon too.

so i just found out that entschuldigung is one of the many ways to say sorry in deutsch (although apparently it's used more like 'excuse me') and apparently by breaking down the word, it can also mean 'deguiltify'

so like, saying entschuldigung is like saying:
"please take away my guilt."

so, here, another guy with a thirst for forgiveness.
thank u.
Jul 2019 · 741
one with the flies.
cleann98 Jul 2019
make your grave
the lap on my thighs...

your open casket coffin
calls for the nip of your
soft rotting flesh
on its skin

if i have to hold you
while fleeting, decaying
losing yourself alive...

i'd rather be mother death
forever still watching over you.
S E N D    M O A R    G A S O L I N E
i need much edge.

thanks i guess.
Jul 2019 · 412
cleann98 Jul 2019
it can't be
so long as
she still smiles.
can't forgive what you still regret.. especially if the bitter taste only reminds you of your own mistake.

snippet of white noise, to be posted later.
thank you for reading.
cleann98 Jul 2019
fashion your altar
from the tongue
in my mouth
i shall never
cease to sing
your highest praise

use my bones
make them yours
as a temple
wherewith you grace
with your blessings

and with all
the living skin
of my flesh
carve your image
that no one
shall ever forget

as i whisper
of your name
then every knee
shall simply surrender
and every tongue
soon shall confess...

that the sweetest
most sacred sacrilege
is the sin
to savor you
nothing ever better
nor would you
give any less
used to be a fragment of a poem i wrote before, but kinda reimagined.

*explicit but worth it*
still thank you for reading^^
Jun 2019 · 255
la soif et l'eau
cleann98 Jun 2019
fickle winds
spread across him
with all the strength
of a dying breath

it swallowed him
nearly toppled him

stole from him
whispers, sweet nothings
simply bereft.

it was lifeless a sigh
that was her battlecry
like the once flapped
wings of a butterfly

and so they flutter
and they so try

a heart's sweet
sweet hound

the mutiny to cry.

once, had she
silenced him
and never again—

a whirlwind
a heartbeat
and a teardropped

finger painted
across his chest
lock and key
to way back when—

and a life that's stolen
killed a ghost just
about to begin
still. soulless. slain.

a wreck before
he even rode the train.

feeble breeze,
a warm air
reached his ear

like crashing waves
against a lowly boat

he knew the vastness of the ocean
that anywhere else he'd be in the clear
yet no matter how hard he'd try
away, he just couldn't steer—
water and thirst am i right? what it feels like fighting of your worst primal urge.
thank you for reading~~
May 2019 · 307
heavy handed haters unite!
cleann98 May 2019
divided we stand
then unity shall fall

in uprising
we topple
the greatest of all

we know
what you know
except we shout
them out loud

we see
what you see
except we never
cast them doubt

closed fist
foot planted
firm on the ground

we know no noise
until our voices abound
how do you shake it off?

it really isn't so weird how misinformation and revolution go together right?

tis like reliving the death of julius caesar if no one blindly assumed he'd grow to be a tyrant king, or like picturing the death of socrates if no one in the entire democratic government of athens thought an old man who only knows he knows nothing is out to get them.

go crazy. i never meant to say revolution is wrong.
idk maybe misinformation is???
heavy handed haters unite sounds like a college band name haha feel free to use it if ever :3
thank you for reading!!!
ps. sure the earth is flat and all the government units in the world is hiding it for reasons. also nasa faked the moon landing and they still deny it for reasons. also global warming isn't true, just more and more people are dying from stroke globally each year for reasons.

thank you.
cleann98 May 2019
...and that allure
so poorly hidden
and so over the top
in her smile
just had to keep me going.
        if anything,
she was my fuel
              and if anything else,
     she was happy to burn out
     if she was lighting the way for me—
before she had to go
she'd always tried
convincing me too
          'red had always been my color'
      when we've always
      and only have
                 ever known
   she looked best in a deep shade of blue.
at least i got to tell her
now that i understand
she could look perfect
in any other tint or hue.
            i guess there is
            a billion happy things
            about being your
            lover's own killer
like she swore there would
      as if she knew even a single thing
      about happy endings—

                           so vague and
          just like her—

i got to hear her last words
muffled... mangled
    as i was pretending
    that i wasn't the man
    plunging that knife
    twisting the handle
    as the blade inches
    through her guts
           like a ***** slowly
           being driven in to
           the notch it belongs

"tell her she's lucky."
"she landed the man of the year."
"tell her she deserves you."
"and if you ever hurt her,"
"i will haunt you down and kick your ***."
        "tell her sorry"
        "that i couldn't"
        "make the ceremony"
        "if only i had a red dress..."
"but you can go now."
"and have the happiest day of your life."
"i am so proud of you."
                    i could really swear
                    this is the happiest
                    of the days of my life.

        a galactic soiree embraced me
        as soon as i entered the chapel
                cerulean sashes
  and a deep slate-coloured motif carpet
  with the lush of stargazers in every step
  as if the maid of honor did this all for me
it was perfect. everything was.
up to the string quartet playing
queen's love of my life as she
was walking down the isle
in her perfect velvet dress
         as if the only blazing light
         trying its best to glow bright
         in the pallid glum sight
         all around us...
                 with all her might—
she joined me to face the altar
unfazed by the absence of her
very best friend that planned this day...
        there are a billion happy things
        that i could just smile about
        just while standing there still:
   the wonder of 'i do' that for so long
   we've always anticipated to vow
   in front of each other and a priest;
         the gusto of that bolognese
         we've spent to much to have
         catering for in the reception;
that irrepleceable magic
of the musicians as they
played chopin's fantaisie;
     and that allure.
     so poorly hidden
     and just so ****
     over the top
            in her smile—

but i know red suits her
so much better...
     she should've been
     the one slathered
     covered in crimson
                                     not you—

one of the billion happy things
about being your lover's killer
is the fact that beyond the grave
i know exactly where to find you...
maybe it really is a happy ending.

so i was torn between this title and 'of honor.' because reasons. i might change it later, i don't know.

ANYWAY, THANK YOU FOR READING ;^; and sorry if it kinda ****** or felt too common this is like my 'training plot' that i use for trying out new techniques or warming up if i haven't written in a while.

hey do you have a 'training plot' too  share it or something and maybe i could make something out of them :>
only if it's okay with you tho.

huge credits to imai for the concept btw c:

anyway, please leave a comment on what you think and again, thanks for reading! ciao~
Apr 2019 · 254
cleann98 Apr 2019
were you a bodiless ghost
i could ask of you to haunt me
be with me,
or even blame me.

yet you're now a barely beeping machine
i can only wish you're dreaming peacefully
there is this one folklore or myth that says fireflies cannot cry or weep tears, that's why they burn themselves instead as catharsis.

in reality though, the light they emit comes from luciferin, and instead of a fire is actually a cold reaction. sad though, they really aren't given the chance of purgation.

read this as you will.

but would you say it were coup de grace if a lonely little firefly were to die in the blaze of warmth and in their own volition

or do you think it were any better for her to carry on cold and without escape in a world where she can't cry or give up?
Apr 2019 · 368
cleann98 Apr 2019
whenever i find myself
placing you in words

so simple
so short
so few

in the only way i know possible,
i'm just drawing
the closest i can to you.

and each single time
i paint your image

in every tint
in every shade
in every hue

in the best way i know,
i'm just showing myself
how forever i'll be with you.
i'll turn you into artwork
with even myself a canvass

each single concept
each single stroke
each single line

if it is the only way
i truly can call you mine.

so this dude pygmalion couldn't find his true love anywhere and he ended up sculpting his dream girl as an ivory statue naming her galatea.

long story short, since he can't have is love any way else, he wound up making her by himself.

sound familiar?

~~R E Q U E S T E D   B Y   my very cute cousin melinoe~~

anyway thank you for reading!!! please request poems or mythologies and stuff like that for me to do i really enjoyed this one :3
Mar 2019 · 790
cleann98 Mar 2019
counting the  
of passing            
car seats.        
this has been sitting in my drafts kinda too long now and it took me a while looking at this to say that this is already a complete poem. i hope.

a little fitting right? sometimes the things we keep chasing all turn out as red lights in the end...
cleann98 Mar 2019
in my mind
           all i really
      was mind enough
         to say no...
                  and yet
as i had knelt...
and as i had pleaded..
     all i could ask for
                                    was ignorance
               and all i could say
          was thank you
                          for all the venom---
                              feels just
              a little bit sad
                                  i couldn't
  ask for more...
                               more drops
  ­                                wanting
                         ­                                              waiting
                   washing down

       even deeper

       ever faster

sating myself more and more in this
scrumptouos feast of more and more
                 and with every single mouthful
i take in
                  my appetite begs for more and more
                           i am a wolf.
           the lowest of the low
                     in a tripartite soul.
and i can't help
                            but fill myself up
     no matter how much
                  i weigh myself down.
                                      i just want more.
                          more of bullets
       for every single word you say
                  more of icicles
              for every single awkward touch
more of daggers
                for every single glare you look me
                 down with

                                   more of poison
       for every single lie you make me swallow
        forcefully down my own throat saying
        that you've always been true

                                                           ­  more of you...
for every single night i waste
away lying wide awake lying
to myself about not regretting
every sound i taught, trained
my tongue to incarcerate until
you were no longer there to listen

                       more of flames.
        the feeling i get whenever you
         quench my burning aching hunger.

                more of flames
that blazing glimmer i become
when everyone looks at all my
scars with disappointment.

                               i want more of flames.
                     and i just want to burn it all down
along with you.
                  and then
                                   i'd happily engulf myself
     engorge myself
                                  on all our
     knowing that no one will ever
           knowingly share anything else with me...
                                                                let me bask
                     at least one last supper
in the blissful toxin
                                   of our cannibalism
                   and one last time
                       we'll cast a miracle and
                               in the gluttony
of our lustful intersuffering
                                                  ­drowning drunk
        from the deathly fermentation
                        of our own flowing blood
    we'll never again
                          have to wake up
                 with a killer of a hangover tomorrow.
requested by~~ i*** and a****~~ quite difficult actually, i hope i don't disappoint you two :<

anyway, it is not like this is much of an anecdote to my life but this really resonates to me a lot, and honestly i based this on a friend of mine  and it really isn't an unusual thing anyway.

ever tried to tell the world to f*c* off? it's kind of hard to do it when you're acting humane and all alone...

anyway, thanks for reading!!! please let me know what you think i could improve on this style on the comments :3

ps. king for a day by ptv rules.
cleann98 Feb 2019
wrap your warm
           and caring arms
  all around me
                and whisper to my ears
                that you've always heard
                all my prayers and pleas
                     renew your covenant
          right now
     that you'll forever
                                 be with me
for i've forever been faithful to you
        then help me
               tell the whole world
            that you've
      since been the one
              i have
                         you are.
                   let me show them
           that you are not
                                       the mess
                              of ***
                                                     in crack
                                                and pina colada
                                  that they now
                          think you are
                               let me make them see
          that you are not
          just a sad sack
          of fairy tales
          white washed
          painted pretty
          to hide your scars.
                  let me
                             let them
                             that under the husk
                             of that hopeless mirth
                             of the man they see
                             when they see you today
        lies the man
                                          that i see
i close my eyes.
use me to open their's
use me to have them know
that you exist.
                         i know you are
            out there
the man that i
              used to know.
                          i believe
                      you haven't forgotten...
                          i believe
           you haven't changed.
                                  my heart burns
                 to be the sacrifice
                                         that invites forth
                                                       your presence.
                                i long for you
                                            to make known
                           your being
                           once again.
           fashion your altar
                     from the tongue in my mouth
      i shall never cease
                              to sing of memoirs
                   for you.
                              use my bones
                make them the foundation
                                       upon which
                           you grace with your miracles
                                  and with all
                     the living skin
                               of my flesh
                            carve your memory
                                        of which no one
                                        will ever forget.
just a little thing. so have you ever had this one "friend" who always gets misunderstood by everyone else and starts losing themselves because of it? yah i guess you guys kinda get my point.

read this however way you like it but trust me i reallt don't have such creepy thoughts in my head lol (i think) please tell me in the comments what you thought i actually mean by this before you read the notes tho :3 just to enjoy how creative you guys can get with this hehe

THANKS FOR READING <3 still not sponsored but like still plugging Lang Leav "Love Looks Pretty on You" :)
Feb 2019 · 1.6k
cleann98 Feb 2019
how long will it take
for this tangled mess
you've bound yourself in
to turn into actual art?
i just can't wait to look you in the eye
and tell myself
that soon enough
these chains
i've bound myself with
will eventually
lead me somewhere too...

~hi! if you don't know what ******* means, it's kind of like a contemporary art to do with ropes and people c: that's all i can say~

*if you want to, look it up, it's beautiful hehe*

*also (obviously not sponsored) but lyk still plugging Lang Leav "Love Looks Pretty On You" just finished it thrice, give it a read if you're into folios :>
Feb 2019 · 2.0k
cleann98 Feb 2019
have you once
thought about
whether or not
moths ever feel
of getting burned
by the light
they always
and forever
long to chase?

don't you think
they stop
for even a second
to deliberate
about it?

or maybe
to them
and their short life
it was worth it?

did you consider
that maybe
it's why the have
such short lifespans?

perhaps in the lenses of
miniscule eyes
of ephemeral dismal colors
in this infinite world
the warmth
of flames
are all they live for?

i don't know...
maybe that's why
we humans live longer?

or at least some of us
have the mind enough
to say that
"this is the
"i'll ever be'
"to the sun"

before we all turn into ashes.
hey icarus, if you had the chance to conquer the skies knowing you might melt your wings forever, would you even try to soar?
Feb 2019 · 287
cleann98 Feb 2019
whenever i feel sad
i try my best
to remind myself
that once stars have
torn themselves apart
in order to make me whole...

so i've been loved by the heavens
way before i was forgotten by you.
or maybe i've always been in pieces
even before i met you...

happy valentines???
also if you don't know what kintsugi means, search it up :> you're welcome :3
cleann98 Jan 2019
when she was crying
i made her laugh
she was a tough crowd tho
and then i was insensitive

when she was up in the clouds
i opened up my problems
just spoke my mind like she said i should
and so suddenly i was the one spoiling the mood

when she was oceans away from me
i told her ever so slightly that i missed her
of course i always do
then i was way too clingy

and as i was with her
apparently i wasn't with her enough
to show that i care

while we were drifting apart
i did my best to chase after her
so much that she felt restricted

and then when she suddenly decided to leave
and i decided to respect her decision
she decided to say i was the one who wasn't doing enough
ecclesiastes 3 says that everything has a perfect time under the sun. when's my time to be right?
cleann98 Jan 2019
It never was my fault
   You never learned how
  To swim.

How can you blame me
       Now that you’re drowning?

If all you have
Are empty bottles
And half an empty
Can of glade...
       What is a broken heart
            In your eyes?


           You don’t even have
     Broken shards
         And poisoned drops—

  So make sure
      Before you
    Start pointing
         Shaking fingers
       You know
  How to make
          A clean cut first.
deeper cuts=deeper love?

*originally published at my alter account. it's dead now.
cleann98 Jan 2019
     sorry i'm replying late
  well, maybe it isn't too late yet?
but at whatever time you may read this
               i'm just certain
                    that it is not a good time.
but i'll say it anyway:
       always drink in moderation--
                   i know you like to act
like you can take it
                                but honestly,
        you say the stupidest things drunk.
especially when you're alone.
    i just doubt you'll be able
            to find a couch like mine
that you can just crash on
                     whenever you were wasted.
         not wherever you'll be going anyway..
        i know we like
    joked about this a lot
                    a little too much maybe?
           but if ever you think about
trying it,
         you know i've been there too
               we both know how much
of a pain this has been
                but please
put out the cigarettes
before you throw them
                  in the trash
              and just one stick a week
         well maybe not that strict...
      it will be hard to keep living
             in an innocent and pure life
well, without me of course--
                      i've been such a good
          role model for you after all.
                  but remember your promise:
     never ever get a tattoo
                   not even if its something
             or maybe a meme
     or even if it is in memory of me,
                        you're way cooler than
  any ink that would scar your body for life
                   no matter how rebellious
you think you could be
        don't do drugs.
                          got that?
     don't think about even sowing
the same seeds i'm now reaping.
           i guess i got someone like you?
           so maybe it is worth it...
but being left behind makes it
                 maybe even more painful
than is should be.
                              and hey,
                i know we made
     all those
i'll never love anyone else...
                      not the way i did with you.
           and i'll always be here for you
and that i'll never ever send you away.
                    but look
      i broke the pact already didn't i?
                                   so please,
fall in love.
                           and if ever
    you get in a fight
                     or any other chance
                           to prove to this lucky guy
how much you love him...
              do it.
                             and ps.
     never let him see you wasting away
                      lie if you have to hide
all the bottles of gin
                and febreze all over
           the smoke perfume swirling around you
                                  just never
       let him see you break.
                       thank you.
good bye.
this has a moral lesson. don't do drugs.
Jan 2019 · 232
getting over it
cleann98 Jan 2019
i've fallen down
the steepest
thinking i'd be
able to soar...

little did i know
i'd just be
falling lower
dropping faster
even more.

never knowing
which way was left
or right or up or down
completely unaware
of my way to recover

didn't know if i was
or lying
or crawling
or praying
didn't have a clue
which is which
which is better.

that was all i felt
falling for you then...

and maybe i've
climbed up high enough
to fall for you again.
new year means newer braver heights to fall from...
they say it never really is the fall that gets to **** you
it's the moment you stop----

but don't you agree that falling is a crucial part of getting over it? :>
Dec 2018 · 196
forever dusk
cleann98 Dec 2018
i'm hoping a sunrise
will someday dawn
and remind me
of how to view the horizon
not picturing in my mind
you being happy with
someone else...
how long is the sun setting for our relationship?
Dec 2018 · 166
snow angels
cleann98 Dec 2018
We left our prints,
Right on the thick snow last year,
Where we ran around,
Frolic and pranced on the ground,
Jolly and joyful,
All the warm feelings we felt—

Without worry or doubt or fear…

We even forgot that snow can melt.

When the winter breeze,
Would turn tepid,
And your lukewarm embrace,
Would turn cold…

The snow angels fade,
With all your sweet kiss and hugs,
And my world would flood.

Spring came,
Summer came,
And soon everything,
And every day,
Come rain or shine,
It still felt like fall.

And every moment,
And every hour,
‘twas like winter time,
Without Christmas,
All in all lonely,
All in all dull,
All in all listless,
All in all…

Teardrops fly,
Like raindrops,
How I cry,

How I miss,
Your laughter,
And your smile,

Are you there,
Watching me,
From up high?

This time,
Our snow angels,
I make two,
One is for me,
The other,
To make my Christmas wish come true

Because three hundred,
And sixty five days,
None was ever enough,
There was nothing I could ever do.

I can just lay here,
So cold in this wintry white ground,
Awaiting my ice angels,
Hoping they’d take me back to you.
the heart of the advent season is waiting right?
pessimism and hopefulness at the same time...
Dec 2018 · 195
stars from the start
cleann98 Dec 2018
we were brightly shining
all while constantly burning
we had to keep collapsing against ourselves keeping ourselves from burning out
Dec 2018 · 496
cleann98 Dec 2018
mama, i made someone happy yesterday!
i smiled as the door opened
              just as i always did
it was my first time to be chosen
    to be honest i was so nervous
they made me try out so many clothes
they said i had to look as pretty as i should
         they said they were trying to bring out
         my youthful look...
i never thought that meant
     more skin.
     more chest.
     more legs.
              he was an old man
wrinkles ravaged round his face
yet his smile had no blemish
          he stared at me
          and chose me almost immediately
i was never more proud
yet i was clueless of what next to do
    i should have wrote to you as early as then
         but as soon as
       we arrived
                          at my 'new home'
                or at least that was how he called it
   he called me to his room
            he nearly had to kneel
            in order to see me
      i thought he was going to hug me
      as he leaned in
                                 he just undid my bra
            his hands were huge
            they cover almost my whole chest
he asked me to take of my shorts
        and he was smiling
   for once i knew
              i was doing something right
i barely slid my undergarment off and he pressed me against the unsuspecting bed
       he grabbed both my legs
                    as he told me to open them
              while he tole me to close my eyes
    he started
          pushing against me
      it was so so hard             so painful
relentless      excrutiating            i had to
                 bite my tongue to stop myself
         from screaming
               i think i was bleeding?
           i felt the blood pour out
                        i couldn't take it.
    i couldn't ask him to calm down
               it was just way too fast
he was panting                breathing heavily
         grunting         driving himself too hard
    it was like he could run out of breath
                       i wanted to make him stop
i really did
                   trust me.
            but as soon as i tried to shout
      or help him or something
                he fell over
          don't worry though he was still breathing
                           and his face
he just looked way too happy
           i was paralyzed the rest of the day
     until now i can barely stand up
                    but he was just so in bliss
       i hope you're proud of me mama.
              he said earlier he'd be taking me back
to the warehouse later
            i don't know why though.
     do you think he'll tell them i've been
         a good daughter?
                   i hope so.
mama i hope you write me back.
Nov 2018 · 1.4k
cleann98 Nov 2018
i was perfectly empty
until we met
and you became my fill

pouring me your all
all against my will.

and yet
all i became was
just as
you were leaving
just as
i was healing

and as i find another
perhaps then

i'd be emptier
okay please read the poem 'forever on my mind' by Lang Leav I can't remember which folio tho maybe Universe of Us?

anway i've always been her fan and she never fails to make me write whenever i read her works they feel like so much magic
cleann98 Oct 2018
this poem is just about a bakeshop.
no allegories
no symbolisms
no idioms
no metaphors.

mother kneads the dough.
she does it so well.
pounding the white clay
with such masterful effort
her hands do not tire.
neither tires her arms.
neither her thighs tremble.
neither her smile
it charms.

mother had been standing there
untiringly since dawn.
and yet she does not stop.

it has been raining incessantly
ever since she woke up
and yet she does not stop.

not even a single costumer appeared
not a single knock on the door
and yet she does not stop.

daughter asked her out already
daughter asked her to close the shop

daughter always says
and with a lot of sense
watching mother work
simply is not worth
the miniscule sells

yet still she does not stop.

daughter asks mother
far too much.
she asks why mother is always smiling
she asks why mother works hard as such
she asks why mother why it was always raining

daughter asks mother
why no one is waiting at the counter?
daughter then followed
where is brother and father?
and finally daughter asks
why no one, for their shop, would bother?

to which mother just replied
"let us simply pray for better weather"
don't try to find an analysis
you wom't gain anything from asking anything
this is
the most blatant poem
you will read ever
just look at the title.
Oct 2018 · 281
cleann98 Oct 2018
she grabs me by my arms and pulls me close, much like she always does every single time it pours.

"you're standing under the rain again."

i could almost whisper alongside her. it's not like she says anything different anyway. always that same sentence. said under that same overcast sky. with that same calm concerned smile.

she never fails to make me feel more tepid inside.

"it is okay as long as i'm with you."
"not like we have a roof to stand under anyway".

she answers herself nearly synchronized with me. she knows exactly what i was to say.

"you can stay safe and dry in my arms instead."

i know she says those words every day but i never tire of listening to them. she has always been my fortress. i love her.

and i can barely understand why, but she always says that i am far too cold as she hugs me; to be honest all i feel is warmth. it puzzles me still—

whenever i close my eyes and say that this is the warmest i've ever been all she does is shake me as the rain grows ever so stronger.

her face just turns pale as if she's seeing a ghost in my place. i wonder what's wrong.

"can you hear me?"
"wake up!"
"hey open your eyes!"

"why are you screaming, mother."

all i can do is ask as calmly as i ever could.

"you're bothering the neighbors. i'm awake. i'm here."

i continue to speak out but maybe the rain is muffling out my voice? i don't know.

she looks cynical. much like the opposite of her cool and patient demeanor she always sports.

"no! not you too!"
"please stay!"

"i'm here mother, what's wrong!"

i try my best to shout watching her weep and sob incessantly calling out my name.

i hate it. she does this everyday. she doesn't ever stop. i hate it. i hate it. how can i make her stop?


i once again shout out but maybe the subsiding rain blocks that away from her ears like they did yesterday and the day before.

i hate to see mom like this. it isn't funny. i'm here! i'm not going away like dad and my big sister!

i'm always here.

"please don't go away."

she whispers once again holding me tighter. much much tighter than she ever did.

her arms almost passing right through me.

"mom, i can't breathe."
"are you alright?"

waterfalls of her tears wet my hair and fall straight to my heart. i can feel them. so so so warm.

it was almost dead silent if the rain hadn't  been taking away the words from my mouth.

"i'm sorry mom."
"i'll always be here for you"
"i love—"

"*******. you good for nothing, leaving me alone."

she whispers almost as soon as the tears subside. smiling. again. unsettlingly.


i don't know. i don't understand. i don't believe it.

"go on. go ahead. you want to leave? leave. leave me alone. that's what you always wanted to do didn't you? don't let me hold you back. go on. go away. go away like everyone else does."

she doesn't even wait for me to collect the proper words to reply. i've been trying to do so for weeks, months of this same dialogue in repeat. ever since she took me from that freaky hospital bed.

she stood up and walked past me. more like she walked through me. like i was a poltergeist.

doesn't she know that my soul is already anchored in her? i won't ever leave. she keeps me for ever safe.

i can't bare to watch her walk away. that is something i'll never ever do. i know she'll be back in a few minutes anyway.

mom will never let get sick in the rain after all...

so suddenly, she grabs me by the arms and pulls me close, much like she always does every single time it pours.

"you're standing under the rain again."

she says with a ridiculous smile.
for those wondering, this is not my standard format. this is not a poem. this is a fortress mother and child built. it will last. nothing can stand stronger than a house built from nothing.

nothing left to be touched.
nothing left to be stolen.
nothing left to be hurt.
nothing left to be destroyed.
Oct 2018 · 227
i exist for you
cleann98 Oct 2018
it was dreadful
     almost exhilarating even.
                  you look so downtrodden
                             how does it feel
to be so far pressed face down?
               teardrops dragging down your
     hair pulling down
            your head.
                             when did you get
        so drenched?
                   so stupid
                to cry for him?
    seeing that
              it is the only thing
  you seem useful for
                                   for him.
           if you want to be his toy—
you're already a broken one.
                                        soaked in
               diet coke
        for perfume
                    and yet you smell
more like
                               instant noodles
             and glass shards
on your wrist
                          with your back
       on the same wall as yesterday
       the same wall as the day before that
       the same wall as the day even before
       the same wall that watched you cry
earlier today
                        last week
                               the week before that
       and the day he left you
                 this time
and that one time last month
          and that time during valentines
               and another just after new year's.
i bet even the wall is so ****
      sick of
                  watching you cry for him.
   but i never will.
             'i'm sorry but'
                        'i will always be'
       'here for you'
                   i whisper as if you
     really could hear me speak.
            as if you ever did listen.
               'thanks for being a good friend'
you spoke almost inaudibly
         as if you really replied
                        hearing your
     phone suddenly
              rings to the sound of
         your favorite song
   heartbreak girl by 5sos
                     and you so easily understood.
       between your only two contacts
               me and him
of course you'd run towards him
            the moment he calls
    leaving me behind.
                       i get it.
         it's just a little sad
i didn't get to tell you
                 to call me
       the next time he breaks your heart...
   after all,
                 you exist to make him happy
and i exist only to see you cry.
heartbreak girl by 5sos anyone?
cleann98 Oct 2018
it was all my fault
          you were drenched in crimson
you just laid there
not a single
strand of your
snow white hair
left unpainted
with red—
     so still
  so pitiful
            so unnerving
so remorseful
         so convenient
                and so **** sad
      that you're still bleeding.
             clutching to
                  what's left
of your poor
          masochistic breath
                         as if
                 you're too sure
     that this time
              i'll hear you out...
   why won't you be?
          i was so sure
                  you'd be shouting it out
             'go to hell'
           'go **** yourself'
  'die now please'
        'you look like a taxi in that suit'
                      'i hate you'
                                          'i love you'
                  you'd scream everything.
                  like when you said
         'i'll always be there for you'
          'i hope you never come back'
                           when you were hurt
                 you'd shout curses
                      like a prayer
      when you were drunk
   you'd screech songs
             like a drifting car.
                   but right then
                                      you whispered.
         and you whispered so softly
   it was more unbelievable
              than the fact that
      i heard it more clealy
           more soundly
                                     than the time
                    you screamed
    'i'm done putting up with you.'
          "tell me a little lie"
                 "and tell me you'll never"
     "ever leave me this time."
              and you were so peaceful
   this one single exeptional time
          as you tried ever so
              to catch your breath.
        i simply couldn't resist.
                  "i promise."
   "i'll never leave you."
     "cross my heart and hope to die."
               but you never
          did listen did you?
it was all your fault
i'm drenched in crimson
some promises just can't be broken
Aug 2018 · 1.1k
cleann98 Aug 2018
i am not
or english.
of medicine
or engineering
or managenent

neither academic
nor vocational

i do not
to white
or blue
or yellow


i do not speak
of any jargon

my place
is placeless.
my trace
is traceless.


breath breathing
human being

the same air
of socrates
or lao tzu
or alcibiades

the air
for more

i am my past
and my future is i
no matter
who i was
or who i choose to be.

i will be
because career guidance week at school atm
btw based on one of my favorite works
Aug 2018 · 269
closer this way?
cleann98 Aug 2018
the more i long
to draw closer          
to you—        
the more i
have to                  
keep my distance
distance by christina perri pls :>HI!!
Aug 2018 · 398
cleann98 Aug 2018
zooming in—
   red taints the crimson
   painted floor
and not even a drop of light to see.

a room full of white
         yet all just so bleak
       just so black
    'a dream'? he dreams. almost a nightmare
         hands clasped tight
  just like a prayer
      basking in the silence of absent beeps
         and hopeless groans— finally

    a heart beat?
            the room fills with a sigh of relief
   before i lean in to cut his chest again.
         and hope surely spills out.
i really don't know much about how surgery works so lets leave it at that ^.^ kinda ***** tho
Aug 2018 · 339
level ground.
cleann98 Aug 2018
now i can sleep
much much better
knowing that
those red lips
he refused to kiss
were the same lips
that told me
to '*******.'
sometimes i can't even tell stupid positivity from sourgraping apart, maybe i'm just bitter lol
Jul 2018 · 401
silver screen.
cleann98 Jul 2018
Serenity was her face—
Yet it felt like wildfire…
Three in the morning and          
its as if                  
she doesn’t even care        
how badly it is
Amid the thousand city stars,            
just like she    
can see none of them—
she outshines all of them anyway…                
All she does is stare                                          
and I am just so              
so sure  
she is staring        
so much deeper...                    
as her eyes are covered  
   by her soaking wet hair                  
I so can simply tell.
So intently.
It is like a few hours        
only before daybreak                              
and its still like                                  
counting the many            
restless feet                              
  of passersby                                            
continuously                                                     ­ 
slapping the wet pavement                              
slapping the soaked water                                
slapping my drenched face                              
And the only thing I can think about is thirst.  
Countless weary eyes          
watching recklessly tirelessly glancing shamelessly—

It’s like the only thing missing              
is a silver screen.                        
I can’t even tell teardrop                
from raindrop apart.      
Creeping down      
her crumbling face              
Eyes covered            
by the quickly  
   of her hair.                        
She is glowing while              
equally drowning…                                  
I can basically tell                                
how hard                                                  
she’s trying to keep the cold                          
I know how easily she chills          
I can actually see her shiver                
straight through          
her black Penshoppe hoodie I gave her…      
I know because                  
we stand under the rain      
she just can’t help                        
  but hold me.            
And I’d embrace her.                          
And she’d snug by my shoulders.              
It’s a lot cuter the way I remember it.            
Now all she does is stand there.                              
Hands both clenched                    
so **** tight        
they just could              
so easily burst.    
With not even a single word.            
Not even a single sound…                            
I shrug simply.                  
Imagining how even
a single utterance        
could ruin                            
this picturesque scene…        
what else can I do but look at her?
Just like the last time—                  
The man in front of her          
can barely even finish        
a word before she shakes her head
wiping the hair off her lips                          
enough to see that she’s smirking.
And for me to tell that she’s plainly hurt.    
Hundred headlights passing—              
And a thousand more      
spectators passing by…        
She finally raises her chin                
showing her face        
—still so radiant amid the twilight skies—            
and flourishes                                                       ­   
so flawlessly                                              
this inviolable smile.                                      
No cracks.                              
No wobbles.                                
Not even shaken anymore...                
Exactly the same smile                  
I fell for before.      
She knows                  
just as much as I do          
that no words        
can cut it.                  
She knows only one thing can—
One step closer…                                            
He is exasperated                  
or something…      
I just can’t tell.            
But he must be.                  
All he does is stare    
at disbelief          
almost taking a step back.
And all she does is lean forward.            
One arm thrusting,                        
wrapping around his head                  
and the other      
just so confidently
she hides      
inside the pocket                
of her denim pants.                    
He’s in shock      
I can tell.                  
And even though              
I know      
what that kiss really means          
I can’t simply help                  
but think of how lucky he is.                      
And how much  
I miss                  
to kiss                  
that same kiss…
But all I could really          
wrap my head about                    
is how sorry              
I feel for him.                          
If only I could pull the plug          
and scream ‘cut!’
“I don’t believe in smiles and kisses.”
She once looked at me            
so solemnly and said.                      
It was our first fight then.          
First almost apology.                            
First kiss.                    
First hotel room.            
First bed…                              
First time waking up together.                  
And I was too rattled                  
to even think of why.
Now I get it so clearly.          
And far too late.                    
She was the first one to pull away.                
Her smile so still untarnished.                                
Unmoved.            ­        
And his face so torn:                    
half of confusion                
and the other half like heaven                      
yet only if heaven                  
was about to tear apart…                  
A face I’ve too long
been familiar with.
No goodbye.                
No hugs.          
No handshakes.                
No warnings—
All she does is walk away.              
So quickly        
so suddenly            
like she did with me        
all those years ago.                          
Only with a much      
much brighter smile        
this time.                
A much more aggressive kiss        
than I remember.    
Yet nothing else changed…    
Even how she shivers                
so subtly                                              
part stopping herself                                
from hugging the man            
in front of her            
and part from                
the showering cold.            
And I know                              
I’m far too late              
and gone                              
to do something about it
but I can’t help myself.                  
Reminding myself of how                              
I waited foolishly                
at that same park                      
knowing and not accepting                
at the back of my head              
that she really meant                                    
that kiss                                                        
to be a                                                                ­    
kiss goodnight...                                                     ­   
How I stared terribly                          
at the passing cars      
thinking to myself                
which one would be                          
the one to                  
hit the hit                      
that lulls me                    
to where I could                          
dream of heaven      
All I could think about          
is how easy it is                            
to take that step forward.
And how hard it is to stop her            
—without thinking—                    
I was racing            
faster than                    
her worn out smile              
falling apart          
catching up so fleetingly...              

And all I did was run
straight past her...

Or more accurately:
*She passed right through me
meh read this however you like :3
btw writing this kinda makes me rethink about how thin the line between prose and poetry..
Jul 2018 · 249
shackle of a thread.
cleann98 Jul 2018
How much effort
    did it take to
    push us unwillingly
And yet none
    of that energy
    was ever given
To even teach us
    how to hold on
    to each other
been inactive for quite a while and i think i've been getting rusty sorry :( hi!
Jul 2018 · 427
cleann98 Jul 2018
masaya na akong
ang labi
na ibang tao
ang humahalik.
in english, I'm content with putting a smile on the lips that aren't mine to kiss.
Jun 2018 · 466
cleann98 Jun 2018
the more I try
to give us color
the more we smudge
and blur altogether
do we need a new canvas?
or a new paint?
or a new artist?
Jun 2018 · 669
teardrop inkstain
cleann98 Jun 2018
she was dying
out of sobs
to weep for him
while he was running
out of curses
to write for himself
ever found yourself with someone on the same page but of two different books?
Jun 2018 · 263
cleann98 Jun 2018
you were
the wind

you are
a star

just a

a burning
i witness
from afar.
so do you guys know that most stars we see in the night sky are just their light which takes hundreds and thousands of years to reach earth, most of the stars we aporeciate today are dead
Jun 2018 · 452
head lights
cleann98 Jun 2018
there was a
              perched in
                  my hand
                      and i was
      too afraid to
                           light it
                    yet the horrors
    in the road
        wasn't what
                terrified me,
            it was the destination ahead.
                        the light i held
              sought the
  road to
                 and yet
                       i just know
             it wasn't
                   the road
       i was taking
                nor could it be
          the roads
                     i will be passing...
                                it will be the road
              i take when
                            i finally decide
                                                to take a u-turn.    
with one foot down and a weary knee
                      thinking about
        every afternoon
             going to the 'right' garage
                      after strolling in the
                   wrong neighborhood
                             staring blankly
                                  at all the cities
              all the towns
all the villages
     all the blocks  
          all the intersections
               all the streets
                         in all garages
        that could've possibly been 'right'
                   and one that could've
              possibly been home
    possibly been hope
                         i park at the house.

          all i see is a
                             in front   
                               of me...
                               and the ride back home
                      so far away------
Jun 2018 · 449
cleann98 Jun 2018
if you're not the one
who was destined only for me
then i refuse to believe in destiny
lol really should've been a haiku but i just don't want to condense it
anyways, apparently khaleesi is becoming quite a popular name now in the western culture umm sure that's brave... but yeah we all know what character is behind that name right? (if you don't, go watch game of thrones, now.)
Jun 2018 · 290
let me laugh..d
cleann98 Jun 2018
i'm sorry
if i was
never able
to tell you
'fix yourself'
you totally
blocked me out
(or blocked me away?)
i was too busy
fixing the things
you broke----
like your own trust
and i did trust you too
just saying
and our
if you could still
call it that
which by the way
you said
'ayokong mawala ka kuya'
that will lose it's value
if i translate it to english
because for some
unknown(lol) reason
i still treaure those
(broken promises are just words right?)

and umm right now
i'm sorry if
i couldn't reply
so quickly
that you're asking
for help----
i'm too busy writing this
which by the way
you should really read
when i publish it
probably when i've moved on
and umm
i can laugh about it already
but really, at the moment
all i can think about
is how
i wasn't even able
to tell you
'fix yourself'
before you broke me completely
because i was too busy
by myself
and apparently hurting in your behalf
since apparently you're 'too cool' to cry for me.
don't worry, after i write this
i'll probably
not say those two words again...
and i'll probably
fall head over heels for you again...
bah if i ever let you read this
that means i've either succeeded or quit?
but for now
i will try to fix you
fill in the blanks
umm septemer 2017---- finally got to publish this
please laugh
just laugh

and umm btw, to avoid any sequels nope i quit mkay? done, g'night.
Jun 2018 · 967
force of habit
cleann98 Jun 2018
i used up
all of my
to keep me
from saying
'i love you'
before i
could hang up.
legit bit my tongue.
umm it really is possible to be good friends with an ex, you have to bite your tongue a lot and fight the force of habit so much... and yes it hurts more than biting your tongue off but if you find all of those worth it i guess you're ******* up?
(lol welcome to my world!!)
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