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Jan 2020 · 219
oh the ways i missed you—
bakunawa Jan 2020
the crooked and
mishandled alleyways
of words to whisper
have always riddled
the backstreets of my mind...

i mapped them,
longer than enough
to see the ins and outs
i've known them,
more than enough...
like the palm of my hand
or the skin on my face.

it has always been
a palimpsest
of the maze i used to
be sealing myself in—
   or perhaps seeping myself out.

there were promises,
there were poems,
and of course,
there was you.

and every single word,
or every single way,
i have always been
tongue tied and
waiting and just so
so long overdue—

stuck in the prison
of a misfortunate fate...
knowing the means
and never escaping
somehow still lost

   afraid of ever stretching ways.

'hey, long time no see—'

'happy birthday! want to talk—'

'happy new year hope we still get together!'

    everything just comes out in clicks...

    'backspace'.
eyyyy i'm back omy thank you for reading!! just my regular lost and tongue-tied dude again... brand new year for brandished excuses and branded lies~~~

good day!! please comment and critique and stuff, you've read in this far anyway might as well c:
Aug 2019 · 305
decode.
bakunawa Aug 2019
take care to never
confuse magic and
illusions in your mind...

you only call it
a lowly 'illusion'
when someone else
is fooling you

but it's always
ever been 'magic'
when you're the one
robbing yourself blind.
'tis weird right? like we can grow into the disillusionment from smokes and mirrors but still call it magic as if a mystical lexical escapism from the bittersweet fact that it's also called trickery.

nonetheless, thanks for reading^
Jul 2019 · 526
entschuldigung. [haiku.]
bakunawa Jul 2019
i've shed my own skin
drowning in flammable blood
and yet i still thirst—
okay, i promised a friend i'm gonna have to write a longer version of this so imma do that real soon too.

so i just found out that entschuldigung is one of the many ways to say sorry in deutsch (although apparently it's used more like 'excuse me') and apparently by breaking down the word, it can also mean 'deguiltify'

so like, saying entschuldigung is like saying:
"please take away my guilt."

so, here, another guy with a thirst for forgiveness.
thank u.
Jul 2019 · 476
one with the flies.
bakunawa Jul 2019
make your grave
the lap on my thighs...

your open casket coffin
calls for the nip of your
soft rotting flesh
on its skin

if i have to hold you
while fleeting, decaying
losing yourself alive...

i'd rather be mother death
forever still watching over you.
S E N D    M O A R    G A S O L I N E
i need much edge.

thanks i guess.
Jul 2019 · 212
muffled
bakunawa Jul 2019
it can't be
repentance
so long as
she still smiles.
can't forgive what you still regret.. especially if the bitter taste only reminds you of your own mistake.

snippet of white noise, to be posted later.
thank you for reading.
Jun 2019 · 127
la soif et l'eau
bakunawa Jun 2019
fickle winds
spread across him
with all the strength
of a dying breath

it swallowed him
nearly toppled him

stole from him
whispers, sweet nothings
simply bereft.



it was lifeless a sigh
that was her battlecry
like the once flapped
wings of a butterfly

and so they flutter
and they so try

harken
a heart's sweet
sweet hound

the mutiny to cry.

once, had she
silenced him
and never again—

a whirlwind
a heartbeat
and a teardropped
inkstain...

finger painted
across his chest
lock and key
to way back when—

and a life that's stolen
killed a ghost just
about to begin
still. soulless. slain.

a wreck before
he even rode the train.


feeble breeze,
a warm air
reached his ear

like crashing waves
against a lowly boat

he knew the vastness of the ocean
that anywhere else he'd be in the clear
yet no matter how hard he'd try
away, he just couldn't steer—
water and thirst am i right? what it feels like fighting of your worst primal urge.
thank you for reading~~
May 2019 · 150
heavy handed haters unite!
bakunawa May 2019
divided we stand
then unity shall fall

in uprising
we topple
the greatest of all

we know
what you know
except we shout
them out loud

we see
what you see
except we never
cast them doubt

closed fist
foot planted
firm on the ground

we know no noise
until our voices abound
how do you shake it off?

it really isn't so weird how misinformation and revolution go together right?

tis like reliving the death of julius caesar if no one blindly assumed he'd grow to be a tyrant king, or like picturing the death of socrates if no one in the entire democratic government of athens thought an old man who only knows he knows nothing is out to get them.

go crazy. i never meant to say revolution is wrong.
idk maybe misinformation is???
***
heavy handed haters unite sounds like a college band name haha feel free to use it if ever :3
***
thank you for reading!!!
***
ps. sure the earth is flat and all the government units in the world is hiding it for reasons. also nasa faked the moon landing and they still deny it for reasons. also global warming isn't true, just more and more people are dying from stroke globally each year for reasons.

thank you.
bakunawa May 2019
...and that allure
so poorly hidden
and so over the top
in her smile
just had to keep me going.
        if anything,
she was my fuel
              and if anything else,
     she was happy to burn out
     if she was lighting the way for me—
before she had to go
she'd always tried
convincing me too
          'red had always been my color'
      when we've always
      and only have
                 ever known
   she looked best in a deep shade of blue.
at least i got to tell her
now that i understand
she could look perfect
in any other tint or hue.
            i guess there is
            a billion happy things
            about being your
            lover's own killer
like she swore there would
      as if she knew even a single thing
      about happy endings—

                           so vague and
          insatiable...
          just like her—

i got to hear her last words
muffled... mangled
    as i was pretending
    that i wasn't the man
    plunging that knife
    twisting the handle
    as the blade inches
    through her guts
           like a ***** slowly
           being driven in to
           the notch it belongs

"tell her she's lucky."
"she landed the man of the year."
"tell her she deserves you."
"and if you ever hurt her,"
"i will haunt you down and kick your ***."
        "tell her sorry"
        "that i couldn't"
        "make the ceremony"
        "if only i had a red dress..."
"but you can go now."
"and have the happiest day of your life."
"i am so proud of you."
        
                    i could really swear
                    this is the happiest
                    of the days of my life.

        a galactic soiree embraced me
        as soon as i entered the chapel
                cerulean sashes
  and a deep slate-coloured motif carpet
  with the lush of stargazers in every step
  as if the maid of honor did this all for me
it was perfect. everything was.
up to the string quartet playing
queen's love of my life as she
was walking down the isle
in her perfect velvet dress
         as if the only blazing light
         trying its best to glow bright
         in the pallid glum sight
         all around us...
                 with all her might—
she joined me to face the altar
unfazed by the absence of her
very best friend that planned this day...
        there are a billion happy things
        that i could just smile about
        just while standing there still:
   the wonder of 'i do' that for so long
   we've always anticipated to vow
   in front of each other and a priest;
         the gusto of that bolognese
         we've spent to much to have
         catering for in the reception;
that irrepleceable magic
of the musicians as they
played chopin's fantaisie;
     and that allure.
     so poorly hidden
     and just so ****
     over the top
            in her smile—

but i know red suits her
so much better...
     she should've been
     the one slathered
     covered in crimson
                                     not you—

one of the billion happy things
about being your lover's killer
is the fact that beyond the grave
i know exactly where to find you...
maybe it really is a happy ending.

so i was torn between this title and 'of honor.' because reasons. i might change it later, i don't know.

ANYWAY, THANK YOU FOR READING ;^; and sorry if it kinda ****** or felt too common this is like my 'training plot' that i use for trying out new techniques or warming up if i haven't written in a while.

hey do you have a 'training plot' too  share it or something and maybe i could make something out of them :>
only if it's okay with you tho.

huge credits to imai for the concept btw c:

anyway, please leave a comment on what you think and again, thanks for reading! ciao~
Apr 2019 · 177
luciferin.
bakunawa Apr 2019
were you a bodiless ghost
i could ask of you to haunt me
be with me,
or even blame me.

yet you're now a barely beeping machine
i can only wish you're dreaming peacefully
hopefully—
painlessly...
there is this one folklore or myth that says fireflies cannot cry or weep tears, that's why they burn themselves instead as catharsis.

in reality though, the light they emit comes from luciferin, and instead of a fire is actually a cold reaction. sad though, they really aren't given the chance of purgation.

read this as you will.

but would you say it were coup de grace if a lonely little firefly were to die in the blaze of warmth and in their own volition

or do you think it were any better for her to carry on cold and without escape in a world where she can't cry or give up?
Apr 2019 · 301
galatea.
bakunawa Apr 2019
whenever i find myself
placing you in words

so simple
so short
so few

in the only way i know possible,
i'm just drawing
the closest i can to you.

and each single time
i paint your image

in every tint
in every shade
in every hue

in the best way i know,
i'm just showing myself
how forever i'll be with you.
i'll turn you into artwork
with even myself a canvass

each single concept
each single stroke
each single line

if it is the only way
i truly can call you mine.
...

so this dude pygmalion couldn't find his true love anywhere and he ended up sculpting his dream girl as an ivory statue naming her galatea.


long story short, since he can't have is love any way else, he wound up making her by himself.

sound familiar?



~~R E Q U E S T E D   B Y   my very cute cousin melinoe~~


anyway thank you for reading!!! please request poems or mythologies and stuff like that for me to do i really enjoyed this one :3
Mar 2019 · 727
chromatography
bakunawa Mar 2019
here..
counting the  
rhythym  
of passing            
heartbeats
chasing      
fleeting  
car seats.        
everything      
r      
e                
d                        
drifting...
this has been sitting in my drafts kinda too long now and it took me a while looking at this to say that this is already a complete poem. i hope.

a little fitting right? sometimes the things we keep chasing all turn out as red lights in the end...
bakunawa Mar 2019
in my mind
           all i really
      wanted
      was mind enough
         to say no...
                  and yet
as i had knelt...
and as i had pleaded..
     all i could ask for
                                    was ignorance
               and all i could say
          was thank you
                          for all the venom---
                   still
           it
                              feels just
              a little bit sad
                                  i couldn't
  ask for more...
                               more drops
                          by
              drops
wishing
  ­                                wanting
                         ­                                              waiting
                   washing down
       falling



       even deeper






       ever faster
    






                                              ­intoxicating
sating myself more and more in this
scrumptouos feast of more and more
                 and with every single mouthful
i take in
                  my appetite begs for more and more
       yes
                           i am a wolf.
           the lowest of the low
                     in a tripartite soul.
and i can't help
                            but fill myself up
     no matter how much
                  i weigh myself down.
                                      i just want more.
                          more of bullets
       for every single word you say
                  more of icicles
              for every single awkward touch
more of daggers
                for every single glare you look me
                 down with

                                   more of poison
       for every single lie you make me swallow
        forcefully down my own throat saying
        that you've always been true

                                                           ­  more of you...
for every single night i waste
away lying wide awake lying
to myself about not regretting
every sound i taught, trained
my tongue to incarcerate until
you were no longer there to listen

                       more of flames.
        the feeling i get whenever you
         quench my burning aching hunger.

                more of flames
that blazing glimmer i become
when everyone looks at all my
scars with disappointment.

                               i want more of flames.
                     and i just want to burn it all down
along with you.
                  and then
                                   i'd happily engulf myself
     engorge myself
                                  on all our
shared
                     pain
                                                         and
                                misery
     knowing that no one will ever
           knowingly share anything else with me...
                                                                let me bask
                     at least one last supper
in the blissful toxin
                                   of our cannibalism
                   and one last time
                       we'll cast a miracle and
     burn
                               in the gluttony
of our lustful intersuffering
                                                  ­drowning drunk
        from the deathly fermentation
                        of our own flowing blood
              knowing
    we'll never again
                          have to wake up
                 with a killer of a hangover tomorrow.
requested by~~ i*** and a****~~ quite difficult actually, i hope i don't disappoint you two :<

anyway, it is not like this is much of an anecdote to my life but this really resonates to me a lot, and honestly i based this on a friend of mine  and it really isn't an unusual thing anyway.

ever tried to tell the world to f*c* off? it's kind of hard to do it when you're acting humane and all alone...

anyway, thanks for reading!!! please let me know what you think i could improve on this style on the comments :3

~~
ps. king for a day by ptv rules.
bakunawa Feb 2019
wrap your warm
           benevolent
    loving
           and caring arms
  all around me
                and whisper to my ears
                that you've always heard
                all my prayers and pleas
                     renew your covenant
          right now
     that you'll forever
                                 be with me
for i've forever been faithful to you
        then help me
               tell the whole world
            that you've
      since been the one
              i have
                 always
                     believed
                         you are.
                   let me show them
           that you are not
                                       the mess
                              of ***
                                   christened
                                                     in crack
                                                and pina colada
                                  that they now
                          think you are
                               let me make them see
          that you are not
          just a sad sack
          of fairy tales
          white washed
          painted pretty
          to hide your scars.
                  let me
                             let them
                                           understand
                             that under the husk
                             of that hopeless mirth
                             of the man they see
                             when they see you today
        lies the man
                                          that i see
                whenever
i close my eyes.
use me to open their's
use me to have them know
that you exist.
please.
                         i know you are
            out there
                        somewhere.
the man that i
              used to know.
                          i believe
                      you haven't forgotten...
                          i believe
           you haven't changed.
                                  my heart burns
                 to be the sacrifice
                                         that invites forth
                                                       your presence.
                                i long for you
                                            to make known
                           your being
                           once again.
           fashion your altar
                     from the tongue in my mouth
      i shall never cease
                              to sing of memoirs
                   for you.
                              use my bones
                make them the foundation
                                       upon which
                           you grace with your miracles
                                  and with all
                     the living skin
                               of my flesh
                            carve your memory
                                        of which no one
                                        will ever forget.
just a little thing. so have you ever had this one "friend" who always gets misunderstood by everyone else and starts losing themselves because of it? yah i guess you guys kinda get my point.

read this however way you like it but trust me i reallt don't have such creepy thoughts in my head lol (i think) please tell me in the comments what you thought i actually mean by this before you read the notes tho :3 just to enjoy how creative you guys can get with this hehe

THANKS FOR READING <3 still not sponsored but like still plugging Lang Leav "Love Looks Pretty on You" :)
Feb 2019 · 854
shibari
bakunawa Feb 2019
how long will it take
for this tangled mess
you've bound yourself in
to turn into actual art?
i just can't wait to look you in the eye
and tell myself
that soon enough
these chains
i've bound myself with
will eventually
lead me somewhere too...

~hi! if you don't know what ******* means, it's kind of like a contemporary art to do with ropes and people c: that's all i can say~

*if you want to, look it up, it's beautiful hehe*

*also (obviously not sponsored) but lyk still plugging Lang Leav "Love Looks Pretty On You" just finished it thrice, give it a read if you're into folios :>
Feb 2019 · 922
perihelion
bakunawa Feb 2019
have you once
thought about
whether or not
moths ever feel
afraid
of getting burned
by the light
they always
and forever
long to chase?

don't you think
they stop
for even a second
to deliberate
about it?

or maybe
to them
and their short life
it was worth it?

hey,
did you consider
that maybe
it's why the have
such short lifespans?

perhaps in the lenses of
miniscule eyes
of ephemeral dismal colors
in this infinite world
the warmth
of flames
are all they live for?

i don't know...
maybe that's why
we humans live longer?

we,
or at least some of us
have the mind enough
to say that
"this is the
"closest"
"i'll ever be'
"to the sun"

before we all turn into ashes.
hey icarus, if you had the chance to conquer the skies knowing you might melt your wings forever, would you even try to soar?
Feb 2019 · 186
kintsugi.
bakunawa Feb 2019
whenever i feel sad
i try my best
to remind myself
that once stars have
torn themselves apart
in order to make me whole...

so i've been loved by the heavens
way before i was forgotten by you.
or maybe i've always been in pieces
even before i met you...

happy valentines???
also if you don't know what kintsugi means, search it up :> you're welcome :3
bakunawa Jan 2019
when she was crying
i made her laugh
she was a tough crowd tho
and then i was insensitive

when she was up in the clouds
i opened up my problems
just spoke my mind like she said i should
and so suddenly i was the one spoiling the mood

when she was oceans away from me
i told her ever so slightly that i missed her
of course i always do
then i was way too clingy

and as i was with her
apparently i wasn't with her enough
to show that i care

while we were drifting apart
i did my best to chase after her
so much that she felt restricted

and then when she suddenly decided to leave
and i decided to respect her decision
she decided to say i was the one who wasn't doing enough
ecclesiastes 3 says that everything has a perfect time under the sun. when's my time to be right?
bakunawa Jan 2019
It never was my fault
   You never learned how
  To swim.

How can you blame me
       Now that you’re drowning?

If all you have
Are empty bottles
And half an empty
Can of glade...
       What is a broken heart
            In your eyes?

    Pitiful

           You don’t even have
     Broken shards
         And poisoned drops—

  So make sure
      Before you
    Start pointing
         Shaking fingers
       You know
  How to make
          A clean cut first.
deeper cuts=deeper love?

*originally published at my alter account. it's dead now.
bakunawa Jan 2019
hey...
     sorry i'm replying late
  well, maybe it isn't too late yet?
but at whatever time you may read this
               i'm just certain
                    that it is not a good time.
but i'll say it anyway:
       always drink in moderation--
                   i know you like to act
like you can take it
                                but honestly,
        you say the stupidest things drunk.
especially when you're alone.
    i just doubt you'll be able
            to find a couch like mine
that you can just crash on
                     whenever you were wasted.
         not wherever you'll be going anyway..
also,
        i know we like
    joked about this a lot
                    a little too much maybe?
           but if ever you think about
trying it,
         you know i've been there too
               we both know how much
of a pain this has been
                but please
put out the cigarettes
before you throw them
                  in the trash
              and just one stick a week
okay?
         well maybe not that strict...
                 look,
      it will be hard to keep living
             in an innocent and pure life
well, without me of course--
                      i've been such a good
          role model for you after all.
                  but remember your promise:
     never ever get a tattoo
                   not even if its something
awesome
             or maybe a meme
     or even if it is in memory of me,
                        you're way cooler than
  any ink that would scar your body for life
           also,
                   no matter how rebellious
you think you could be
        don't do drugs.
                never.
                          got that?
     don't think about even sowing
the same seeds i'm now reaping.
           i guess i got someone like you?
           so maybe it is worth it...
but being left behind makes it
                 maybe even more painful
than is should be.
                              and hey,
lastly...
                i know we made
     all those
                               vows:
i'll never love anyone else...
                      not the way i did with you.
           and i'll always be here for you
and that i'll never ever send you away.
                    but look
      i broke the pact already didn't i?
                                   so please,
fall in love.
                           and if ever
    you get in a fight
                     or any other chance
                           to prove to this lucky guy
how much you love him...
              do it.
                             and ps.
     never let him see you wasting away
          please.
                      lie if you have to hide
all the bottles of gin
                and febreze all over
           the smoke perfume swirling around you
                                  just never
       let him see you break.
                       thank you.
good bye.
this has a moral lesson. don't do drugs.
Jan 2019 · 153
getting over it
bakunawa Jan 2019
i've fallen down
the steepest
deepest
chasm
thinking i'd be
able to soar...

little did i know
i'd just be
falling lower
dropping faster
even more.

never knowing
which way was left
or right or up or down
completely unaware
of my way to recover

didn't know if i was
standing
or lying
or crawling
or praying
didn't have a clue
which is which
which is better.

that was all i felt
falling for you then...

and maybe i've
climbed up high enough
to fall for you again.
new year means newer braver heights to fall from...
they say it never really is the fall that gets to **** you
it's the moment you stop----

but don't you agree that falling is a crucial part of getting over it? :>
Dec 2018 · 116
forever dusk
bakunawa Dec 2018
i'm hoping a sunrise
will someday dawn
and remind me
of how to view the horizon
not picturing in my mind
you being happy with
someone else...
how long is the sun setting for our relationship?
Dec 2018 · 128
snow angels
bakunawa Dec 2018
We left our prints,
Right on the thick snow last year,
Where we ran around,
Frolic and pranced on the ground,
Jolly and joyful,
All the warm feelings we felt—

Without worry or doubt or fear…

We even forgot that snow can melt.


When the winter breeze,
Would turn tepid,
And your lukewarm embrace,
Would turn cold…


The snow angels fade,
With all your sweet kiss and hugs,
And my world would flood.


Spring came,
Summer came,
And soon everything,
And every day,
Come rain or shine,
It still felt like fall.

And every moment,
And every hour,
‘twas like winter time,
Without Christmas,
All in all lonely,
All in all dull,
All in all listless,
All in all…



Teardrops fly,
Like raindrops,
How I cry,

How I miss,
Your laughter,
And your smile,

Are you there,
Watching me,
From up high?


This time,
Our snow angels,
I make two,
One is for me,
The other,
To make my Christmas wish come true

Because three hundred,
And sixty five days,
None was ever enough,
There was nothing I could ever do.


I can just lay here,
Forever,
So cold in this wintry white ground,
Awaiting my ice angels,
Hoping they’d take me back to you.
the heart of the advent season is waiting right?
pessimism and hopefulness at the same time...
Dec 2018 · 125
stars from the start
bakunawa Dec 2018
we were brightly shining
all while constantly burning
we had to keep collapsing against ourselves keeping ourselves from burning out
Dec 2018 · 345
home.
bakunawa Dec 2018
mama, i made someone happy yesterday!
i smiled as the door opened
              just as i always did
it was my first time to be chosen
    to be honest i was so nervous
they made me try out so many clothes
they said i had to look as pretty as i should
         they said they were trying to bring out
         my youthful look...
i never thought that meant
     more skin.
     more chest.
     more legs.
              he was an old man
wrinkles ravaged round his face
yet his smile had no blemish
          he stared at me
          and chose me almost immediately
i was never more proud
yet i was clueless of what next to do
    i should have wrote to you as early as then
         but as soon as
       we arrived
                          at my 'new home'
                or at least that was how he called it
   he called me to his room
            he nearly had to kneel
            in order to see me
                eye
                to
                eye
      i thought he was going to hug me
      as he leaned in
                                 he just undid my bra
            his hands were huge
            they cover almost my whole chest
he asked me to take of my shorts
        and he was smiling
   for once i knew
              i was doing something right
i barely slid my undergarment off and he pressed me against the unsuspecting bed
       he grabbed both my legs
                    as he told me to open them
              while he tole me to close my eyes
    he started
          pushing against me
      it was so so hard             so painful
relentless      excrutiating            i had to
                 bite my tongue to stop myself
         from screaming
               i think i was bleeding?
           i felt the blood pour out
                        i couldn't take it.
    i couldn't ask him to calm down
               it was just way too fast
he was panting                breathing heavily
         grunting         driving himself too hard
    it was like he could run out of breath
                       i wanted to make him stop
i really did
                   trust me.
            but as soon as i tried to shout
      or help him or something
                he fell over
          don't worry though he was still breathing
                           and his face
he just looked way too happy
           i was paralyzed the rest of the day
     until now i can barely stand up
                    but he was just so in bliss
       i hope you're proud of me mama.
              he said earlier he'd be taking me back
to the warehouse later
            i don't know why though.
     do you think he'll tell them i've been
         a good daughter?
                   i hope so.
mama i hope you write me back.
Nov 2018 · 1.4k
droplets
bakunawa Nov 2018
i was perfectly empty
until we met
and you became my fill

pouring me your all
all against my will.

and yet
all i became was
drier
just as
you were leaving
colder
just as
i was healing

and as i find another
perhaps then

i'd be emptier
still
okay please read the poem 'forever on my mind' by Lang Leav I can't remember which folio tho maybe Universe of Us?

anway i've always been her fan and she never fails to make me write whenever i read her works they feel like so much magic
bakunawa Oct 2018
this poem is just about a bakeshop.
no allegories
no symbolisms
no idioms
no metaphors.

mother kneads the dough.
she does it so well.
pounding the white clay
with such masterful effort
her hands do not tire.
neither tires her arms.
neither her thighs tremble.
neither her smile
it charms.

mother had been standing there
untiringly since dawn.
and yet she does not stop.

it has been raining incessantly
ever since she woke up
and yet she does not stop.

not even a single costumer appeared
not a single knock on the door
and yet she does not stop.

daughter asked her out already
daughter asked her to close the shop

daughter always says
and with a lot of sense
watching mother work
simply is not worth
the miniscule sells

yet still she does not stop.

daughter asks mother
far too much.
she asks why mother is always smiling
she asks why mother works hard as such
she asks why mother why it was always raining

daughter asks mother
why no one is waiting at the counter?
daughter then followed
where is brother and father?
and finally daughter asks
why no one, for their shop, would bother?

to which mother just replied
"let us simply pray for better weather"
don't try to find an analysis
you wom't gain anything from asking anything
this is
the most blatant poem
you will read ever
just look at the title.
Oct 2018 · 189
sheltered
bakunawa Oct 2018
she grabs me by my arms and pulls me close, much like she always does every single time it pours.

"you're standing under the rain again."

i could almost whisper alongside her. it's not like she says anything different anyway. always that same sentence. said under that same overcast sky. with that same calm concerned smile.

she never fails to make me feel more tepid inside.

"it is okay as long as i'm with you."
"not like we have a roof to stand under anyway".

she answers herself nearly synchronized with me. she knows exactly what i was to say.

"you can stay safe and dry in my arms instead."

i know she says those words every day but i never tire of listening to them. she has always been my fortress. i love her.

and i can barely understand why, but she always says that i am far too cold as she hugs me; to be honest all i feel is warmth. it puzzles me still—

whenever i close my eyes and say that this is the warmest i've ever been all she does is shake me as the rain grows ever so stronger.

her face just turns pale as if she's seeing a ghost in my place. i wonder what's wrong.

"can you hear me?"
"wake up!"
"hey open your eyes!"

"why are you screaming, mother."

all i can do is ask as calmly as i ever could.

"you're bothering the neighbors. i'm awake. i'm here."

i continue to speak out but maybe the rain is muffling out my voice? i don't know.

she looks cynical. much like the opposite of her cool and patient demeanor she always sports.

"no! not you too!"
"please stay!"

"i'm here mother, what's wrong!"

i try my best to shout watching her weep and sob incessantly calling out my name.

i hate it. she does this everyday. she doesn't ever stop. i hate it. i hate it. how can i make her stop?

"please."

i once again shout out but maybe the subsiding rain blocks that away from her ears like they did yesterday and the day before.

i hate to see mom like this. it isn't funny. i'm here! i'm not going away like dad and my big sister!

i'm always here.

"please don't go away."

she whispers once again holding me tighter. much much tighter than she ever did.

her arms almost passing right through me.

"mom, i can't breathe."
"are you alright?"

waterfalls of her tears wet my hair and fall straight to my heart. i can feel them. so so so warm.

it was almost dead silent if the rain hadn't  been taking away the words from my mouth.

"i'm sorry mom."
"i'll always be here for you"
"i love—"

"*******. you good for nothing, leaving me alone."

she whispers almost as soon as the tears subside. smiling. again. unsettlingly.

"mom?"

i don't know. i don't understand. i don't believe it.

"go on. go ahead. you want to leave? leave. leave me alone. that's what you always wanted to do didn't you? don't let me hold you back. go on. go away. go away like everyone else does."

she doesn't even wait for me to collect the proper words to reply. i've been trying to do so for weeks, months of this same dialogue in repeat. ever since she took me from that freaky hospital bed.

she stood up and walked past me. more like she walked through me. like i was a poltergeist.

doesn't she know that my soul is already anchored in her? i won't ever leave. she keeps me for ever safe.

i can't bare to watch her walk away. that is something i'll never ever do. i know she'll be back in a few minutes anyway.

mom will never let get sick in the rain after all...

so suddenly, she grabs me by the arms and pulls me close, much like she always does every single time it pours.

"you're standing under the rain again."

she says with a ridiculous smile.
for those wondering, this is not my standard format. this is not a poem. this is a fortress mother and child built. it will last. nothing can stand stronger than a house built from nothing.

nothing left to be touched.
nothing left to be stolen.
nothing left to be hurt.
nothing left to be destroyed.
nothing.
Oct 2018 · 148
i exist for you
bakunawa Oct 2018
it was dreadful
terrible.
     almost exhilarating even.
                  you look so downtrodden
   wet.
         offshore.
                   pitiful.
                             how does it feel
to be so far pressed face down?
               teardrops dragging down your
     hair pulling down
            your head.
                             when did you get
        so drenched?
                   so stupid
enough
                to cry for him?
    seeing that
              it is the only thing
  you seem useful for
                                   for him.
           if you want to be his toy—
                         sorry.
you're already a broken one.
                                        soaked in
                beer
and
            tequila
       and
                     ***
                                  and
               diet coke
                         and
                                        puke
        for perfume
                    and yet you smell
more like
                               instant noodles
             and glass shards
on your wrist
                          with your back
       on the same wall as yesterday
       the same wall as the day before that
       the same wall as the day even before
       the same wall that watched you cry
earlier today
             yesterday
                        last week
                               the week before that
       and the day he left you
                 this time
and that one time last month
          and that time during valentines
               and another just after new year's.
i bet even the wall is so ****
      sick of
                  watching you cry for him.
   but i never will.
             'i'm sorry but'
                        'i will always be'
       'here for you'
                   i whisper as if you
     really could hear me speak.
            as if you ever did listen.
               'thanks for being a good friend'
you spoke almost inaudibly
         as if you really replied
                        hearing your
     phone suddenly
              rings to the sound of
         your favorite song
   heartbreak girl by 5sos
                     and you so easily understood.
       between your only two contacts
               me and him
of course you'd run towards him
            the moment he calls
    leaving me behind.
                       i get it.
         it's just a little sad
i didn't get to tell you
                 to call me
       the next time he breaks your heart...
   after all,
                 you exist to make him happy
and i exist only to see you cry.
heartbreak girl by 5sos anyone?
bakunawa Oct 2018
it was all my fault
          you were drenched in crimson
you just laid there
motionless
not a single
strand of your
snow white hair
left unpainted
with red—
     so still
  so pitiful
            so unnerving
so remorseful
         so convenient
                and so **** sad
      that you're still bleeding.
             clutching to
                  what's left
of your poor
          masochistic breath
                         as if
                 you're too sure
     that this time
              i'll hear you out...
   why won't you be?
          i was so sure
                  you'd be shouting it out
       anyway.    
just
like
how
you
scream
             'go to hell'
    or
           'go **** yourself'
                         or
  'die now please'
                                            or
        'you look like a taxi in that suit'
              or
                      'i hate you'
         or
                                          'i love you'
                  you'd scream everything.
    always.
                  like when you said
         'i'll always be there for you'
   and
          'i hope you never come back'
                           when you were hurt
                 you'd shout curses
                      like a prayer
      when you were drunk
   you'd screech songs
             like a drifting car.
                   but right then
                                      you whispered.
         and you whispered so softly
   it was more unbelievable
              than the fact that
      i heard it more clealy
           more soundly
                                     than the time
                    you screamed
    'i'm done putting up with you.'
          "tell me a little lie"
                 "and tell me you'll never"
     "ever leave me this time."
              and you were so peaceful
   this one single exeptional time
          as you tried ever so
                    unsettlingly
              to catch your breath.
        i simply couldn't resist.
                  "i promise."
   "i'll never leave you."
                        "ever."
     "cross my heart and hope to die."
               but you never
          did listen did you?
it was all your fault
i'm drenched in crimson
some promises just can't be broken
Aug 2018 · 972
inhale.r
bakunawa Aug 2018
i am not
science
or
maths
or english.
not
of medicine
or engineering
or managenent

neither academic
nor vocational

i do not
belong
to white
or blue
or yellow
not
even
black

not
brains
not
brawns

i do not speak
of any jargon
not
professional
not
unpronessional

my place
is placeless.
my trace
is traceless.


colorless
formless.

only
a
breath breathing
human being


inhaling
the same air
of socrates
or lao tzu
or alcibiades

exhaling
the air
for more
thinkers
and
tinkerers

i am my past
and my future is i
no matter
who i was
or who i choose to be.

i will be
because career guidance week at school atm
btw based on one of my favorite works
Aug 2018 · 228
closer this way?
bakunawa Aug 2018
the more i long
to draw closer          
to you—        
the more i
have to                  
keep my distance
distance by christina perri pls :>HI!!
Aug 2018 · 305
surgery
bakunawa Aug 2018
zooming in—
   red taints the crimson
   painted floor
and not even a drop of light to see.

a room full of white
         yet all just so bleak
       just so black
    'a dream'? he dreams. almost a nightmare
  
         hands clasped tight
  just like a prayer
      basking in the silence of absent beeps
         and hopeless groans— finally

    a heart beat?
            the room fills with a sigh of relief
   before i lean in to cut his chest again.
         and hope surely spills out.
i really don't know much about how surgery works so lets leave it at that ^.^ kinda ***** tho
Aug 2018 · 276
level ground.
bakunawa Aug 2018
now i can sleep
much much better
knowing that
those red lips
he refused to kiss
were the same lips
that told me
to '*******.'
sometimes i can't even tell stupid positivity from sourgraping apart, maybe i'm just bitter lol
Jul 2018 · 341
silver screen.
bakunawa Jul 2018
Serenity was her face—
Yet it felt like wildfire…
Three in the morning and          
its as if                  
she doesn’t even care        
how badly it is
raining.        
Amid the thousand city stars,            
just like she    
can see none of them—
she outshines all of them anyway…                
All she does is stare                                          
and I am just so              
so sure  
she is staring        
so much deeper...                    
as her eyes are covered  
   by her soaking wet hair                  
I so can simply tell.
So intently.
It is like a few hours        
only before daybreak                              
and its still like                                  
  afternoon                                      
counting the many            
restless feet                              
  of passersby                                            
continuously                                                     ­ 
slapping the wet pavement                              
slapping the soaked water                                
slapping my drenched face                              
And the only thing I can think about is thirst.  
Countless weary eyes          
watching recklessly tirelessly glancing shamelessly—

It’s like the only thing missing              
is a silver screen.                        
I can’t even tell teardrop                
from raindrop apart.      
Dripping.
Dropping.
Creeping down      
her crumbling face              
Eyes covered            
by the quickly  
fading                    
green                        
highlights                
   of her hair.                        
She is glowing while              
equally drowning…                                  
I can basically tell                                
how hard                                                  
she’s trying to keep the cold                          
I know how easily she chills          
I can actually see her shiver                
straight through          
her black Penshoppe hoodie I gave her…      
I know because                  
every                  
single                  
time                  
we stand under the rain      
she just can’t help                        
  but hold me.            
And I’d embrace her.                          
And she’d snug by my shoulders.              
It’s a lot cuter the way I remember it.            
Now all she does is stand there.                              
Hands both clenched                    
so **** tight        
they just could              
so easily burst.    
Shaking—                    
With not even a single word.            
Not even a single sound…                            
I shrug simply.                  
Imagining how even
a single utterance        
could ruin                            
this picturesque scene…        
what else can I do but look at her?
Waiting—
Just like the last time—                  
“So—”          
The man in front of her          
can barely even finish        
a word before she shakes her head
wiping the hair off her lips                          
enough to see that she’s smirking.
And for me to tell that she’s plainly hurt.    
Minutes—          
Hundred headlights passing—              
And a thousand more      
spectators passing by…        
She finally raises her chin                
showing her face        
—still so radiant amid the twilight skies—            
and flourishes                                                       ­   
so flawlessly                                              
this inviolable smile.                                      
No cracks.                              
No wobbles.                                
Not even shaken anymore...                
Exactly the same smile                  
I fell for before.      
She knows                  
just as much as I do          
that no words        
can cut it.                  
She knows only one thing can—
One step closer…                                            
He is exasperated                  
or something…      
I just can’t tell.            
But he must be.                  
All he does is stare    
at disbelief          
almost taking a step back.
And all she does is lean forward.            
One arm thrusting,                        
wrapping around his head                  
and the other      
just so confidently
bashfully                      
she hides      
inside the pocket                
of her denim pants.                    
He’s in shock      
I can tell.                  
And even though              
I know      
what that kiss really means          
I can’t simply help                  
but think of how lucky he is.                      
And how much  
I miss                  
to kiss                  
that same kiss…
But all I could really          
wrap my head about                    
is how sorry              
I feel for him.                          
If only I could pull the plug          
and scream ‘cut!’
    
“I don’t believe in smiles and kisses.”
She once looked at me            
so solemnly and said.                      
It was our first fight then.          
First almost apology.                            
First kiss.                    
First hotel room.            
First bed…                              
First time waking up together.                  
And I was too rattled                  
to even think of why.
                          
Now I get it so clearly.          
And far too late.                    
She was the first one to pull away.                
Her smile so still untarnished.                                
Unmoved.            ­        
And his face so torn:                    
half of confusion                
and the other half like heaven                      
yet only if heaven                  
was about to tear apart…                  
A face I’ve too long
been familiar with.
No goodbye.                
No hugs.          
No handshakes.                
No warnings—
    
All she does is walk away.              
So quickly        
so suddenly            
like she did with me        
all those years ago.                          
Only with a much      
much brighter smile        
this time.                
A much more aggressive kiss        
than I remember.    
Yet nothing else changed…    
Even how she shivers                
so subtly                                              
part stopping herself                                
from hugging the man            
in front of her            
and part from                
the showering cold.            
  
And I know                              
I’m far too late              
and gone                              
to do something about it
but I can’t help myself.                  
Reminding myself of how                              
I waited foolishly                
at that same park                      
knowing and not accepting                
somewhere      
at the back of my head              
that she really meant                                    
that kiss                                                        
to be a                                                                ­    
kiss goodnight...                                                     ­   
How I stared terribly                          
at the passing cars      
thinking to myself                
which one would be                          
the one to                  
hit the hit                      
that lulls me                    
to where I could                          
dream of heaven      
forever—                            
All I could think about          
is how easy it is                            
to take that step forward.
And how hard it is to stop her            
—without thinking—                    
I was racing            
faster than                    
her worn out smile              
falling apart          
catching up so fleetingly...              

And all I did was run
straight past her...

Or more accurately:
*She passed right through me
meh read this however you like :3
btw writing this kinda makes me rethink about how thin the line between prose and poetry..
Jul 2018 · 184
shackle of a thread.
bakunawa Jul 2018
How much effort
    did it take to
    push us unwillingly
    together
And yet none
    of that energy
    was ever given
To even teach us
    how to hold on
    willingly
    to each other
been inactive for quite a while and i think i've been getting rusty sorry :( hi!
Jul 2018 · 317
capstone
bakunawa Jul 2018
masaya na akong
pinangingiti
ang labi
na ibang tao
ang humahalik.
in english, I'm content with putting a smile on the lips that aren't mine to kiss.
Jun 2018 · 336
Watercolor
bakunawa Jun 2018
the more I try
to give us color
the more we smudge
and blur altogether
do we need a new canvas?
or a new paint?
or a new artist?
Jun 2018 · 508
teardrop inkstain
bakunawa Jun 2018
she was dying
out of sobs
to weep for him
while he was running
out of curses
to write for himself
ever found yourself with someone on the same page but of two different books?
Jun 2018 · 217
adore.c
bakunawa Jun 2018
then
you were
the wind

now
you are
a star

once
just a
fleeting
fading
grace

today
a burning
spectacle
i witness
from afar.
so do you guys know that most stars we see in the night sky are just their light which takes hundreds and thousands of years to reach earth, most of the stars we aporeciate today are dead
Jun 2018 · 356
head lights
bakunawa Jun 2018
there was a
      lantern
              perched in
                  my hand
                      and i was
      too afraid to
                           light it
                    yet the horrors
    in the road
        wasn't what
                terrified me,
            it was the destination ahead.
                        the light i held
              sought the
  road to
       illuminate
                 and yet
                       i just know
             it wasn't
                   the road
       i was taking
                nor could it be
          the roads
                     i will be passing...
                                it will be the road
              i take when
                            i finally decide
                                                to take a u-turn.    
with one foot down and a weary knee
                      thinking about
        every afternoon
             going to the 'right' garage
                      after strolling in the
                   wrong neighborhood
                             staring blankly
                                  at all the cities
              all the towns
all the villages
     all the blocks  
          all the intersections
               all the streets
                         in all garages
        that could've possibly been 'right'
                   and one that could've
              possibly been home
    possibly been hope
                         i park at the house.

          all i see is a
                one
             way
                  street
               stretching
                         forever
                             in front   
                               of me...
                               and the ride back home
                      so far away------
                                               finally
                                                   i
                                              found
                                                the
                                            reason
                                             to
                                       light
                                    up
                    the
way.
crash?
Jun 2018 · 272
khaleesi
bakunawa Jun 2018
if you're not the one
who was destined only for me
then i refuse to believe in destiny
lol really should've been a haiku but i just don't want to condense it
anyways, apparently khaleesi is becoming quite a popular name now in the western culture umm sure that's brave... but yeah we all know what character is behind that name right? (if you don't, go watch game of thrones, now.)
Jun 2018 · 233
let me laugh..d
bakunawa Jun 2018
i'm sorry
if i was
never able
to tell you
'fix yourself'
before
you totally
blocked me out
(or blocked me away?)
i was too busy
fixing the things
you broke----
like your own trust
oh
and i did trust you too
fyi
just saying
and our
well
"relationship"
if you could still
call it that
which by the way
you said
'ayokong mawala ka kuya'
that will lose it's value
if i translate it to english
because for some
unknown(lol) reason
i still treaure those
words
(broken promises are just words right?)

and umm right now
i'm sorry if
i couldn't reply
so quickly
that you're asking
for help----
i'm too busy writing this
which by the way
you should really read
when i publish it
probably when i've moved on
and umm
i can laugh about it already
but really, at the moment
all i can think about
is how
i wasn't even able
to tell you
'fix yourself'
before you broke me completely
because i was too busy
hurting
by myself
and apparently hurting in your behalf
since apparently you're 'too cool' to cry for me.
don't worry, after i write this
i'll probably
not say those two words again...
and i'll probably
fall head over heels for you again...
bah if i ever let you read this
that means i've either succeeded or quit?
but for now
i will try to fix you
fill in the blanks
umm septemer 2017---- finally got to publish this
please laugh
just laugh
laugh!

and umm btw, to avoid any sequels nope i quit mkay? done, g'night.
Jun 2018 · 885
force of habit
bakunawa Jun 2018
i used up
all of my
energy
to keep me
from saying
'i love you'
before i
could hang up.
legit bit my tongue.
umm it really is possible to be good friends with an ex, you have to bite your tongue a lot and fight the force of habit so much... and yes it hurts more than biting your tongue off but if you find all of those worth it i guess you're ******* up?
(lol welcome to my world!!)
Jun 2018 · 325
mutation..s
bakunawa Jun 2018
she kissed her knees
waiting for the wind
to take her slowly away.
             yet the hands of time
             were far too patient
         making her stay.
               she was in pain
    and way too
           lonely
        and yet
she never wanted company
                 just the storm
                       and she
      doesn't deserve it:
                   neither the rainfall
                   nor this draught.
                         she kissed her knees
                                 and whispered
            out of new words to pray
                            "please."
                she barely even muttered
                                  "just take me today."
                       hands pressed tight together
     and lips trembling shut
                   kissing her
            wet and salted knees
       with her back against the wall
                facing a hard place
           a dead end
                    to a thousand feet freefall
     and rock bottom...
                to dust.
                       she kissed her knees
          with closed eyes
                   and an open wrist...
      waiting for her tears
      to slowly drown her----
              with one more
                   shattered bottle
           beside her
                      and one less
                            plea to say.
                 "just take me away."
      she kissed her knees
           and she hugged her legs.
                 all soaked in her own waste
  and her own faults
              she nods her head
      totally out of lies to
         chant herself asleep
                     until she gnawed herself
               downwards
                         six feet deep.
                              she never became a
         failed adult
                   because life blew up
            in her face so suddenly
                            all she is
                                           is a shattered child
                     waiting for life
                             to spew her out.
                                          she kissed her knees...
whoop a little disturbing? sorry...
umm challenge by Sylph----- a little off the topic but still lol
Jun 2018 · 126
motivation..s
bakunawa Jun 2018
waking up
with nothing
but
a
river
to
recry
challenge by sylph
Jun 2018 · 195
evanescence
bakunawa Jun 2018
you don't have
to hurt
yourself
any longer.

let's just
fade slowly
together
forever...
My Immortal by Evanescence anyone?
Jun 2018 · 446
longest ride home
bakunawa Jun 2018
it was the longest walk of my life
          and the longest pauses
     with the longest argument with myself...
       long story short...
               i lost.
             so i'm dragging my leg
    step by step
       and i don't even need to open my eyes
                it's like
                   i'm so sure
   of whatever is in front of me
            and so sure
               i don't want
                  to see it.
                        ------or hear it
                        ------or feel it
          -----home-----
               or be the first person
         to actually say it...
     that it's just a house
             and it's the longest time i felt
             standing still ever...
                   the porch is still there
                        but the scent of marijuana isn't
    and the garage
           still left open
       and the dent of my head
               still there on the rusty pick up.
                         and the tears mom left
                   i don't know but i smell it...
            it's the same house
               that it was yesterday
        but it's not the same...
                    all of the sudden
           allice charges toward me
           barking as energetic as ever
       and yet it feels
as if i'm not the same person
she licks on the cheek everyday
        ------no------
                   crackling leaves below me
             don't even crackle the same way...
       stepping on dried sticks and twigs
      don't even sound like they did yesterday      
it's like the house itself is telling me
            this is where i don't belong
    this is where i can't belong
         this is where i shouldn't be
                    yet i simply have to be
                 my grandma walked
                       even slower
                           today than ever...
                     "what happened"
                               she asked me----
              ----sigh----
                          and i honestly
                 want to sigh again
                          as deeply as i could
                    and just fall there.
                            ----deep breath----
               it feels like i don't
     even have to say it
                            the look on her face
                  feels like
       her heart is
                        already crumbling
                worse than
                           they did
            when she saw
             my dad
    and her dad
and mom's dad
                          on a coffin going home-----
        as if the same heart
       could rebreak so many times
                   i don't know
            how to stall anymore
   or if there are any
          other ways
                   to sugarcoat
                      a bitter pill
             slathered in mud
             soaked 10feet underwater
                        then buried 6 feet underground
                 "i'm sorry"
       she takes the words
             from my mouth
                      and wraps around me
          this solid warmth...
                so tangible
         so real
                     "you don't have to tell me."
    and then she whispers...
                    inaudible words----
           that smelled a lot
                  like mom's afternoon ****
and her morning omelette with coffee black
              ----home.
one batch
two batch
penny and
dime.
Jun 2018 · 151
Dove
bakunawa Jun 2018
She walks with lightning
Sans thunder, simply so bright...
Without fear -----just death
Sorry lol I love Dove Cameron hahahahah anyways, Dove can be a classic female name that means peace... well this poem depends on how you view peace lol hi
Jun 2018 · 194
oasis
bakunawa Jun 2018
most people
call love
a patch
of water
in the desert
that they
cannot thrive
without

yet for me

you are
a little bit
of fresh water
below
the
ocean surface
that even if
water is all around me
you are still
the only drop
i'd rather
live off

i can
survive
anywhere
but
i can never
live
without you
lav lol hi
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