It makes me feel nervous
You have that look in your eye
Oh what takes over
What is it that holds you tight

And you could tear it up
Ooh no one tears it up like you
Ooh you can rip it up
Ooh no one rips it up like you

When you're in a half light
It is not you I see
And you'll live a half life
You only show half to me

Ooooh, ooooh

Sometimes I join you
Let you wash over me
When we're in the darkness
Only the blind can see

And you could tear it up
Ooh no one tears it up like you
Ooh you can rip it up
Ooh I can rip it up like you

When you're in a half light
It is not you I see
And you'll live a half life
You only show half to me

And can you shake it off
Ooh can you shake it off for me
When you're in a half light
I don't like the half I see

What possesses you?
Oooh what possesses you?
Oooh what possesses you?
Oooh what possesses you?

When you're in a half light
Oh it is not you I see
And you'll live a half life
You only show half to me

Can you shake it off?
Ooh can you shake it off for me?
When you're in a half light
I don't like the half I see

Nooo, oooh

Whisper, whisper,
I can’t hear a sound.
Shiver, shiver,
it’s so cold on the ground.

Pick me up,
while letting me fall.
Make sense of my words,
I’m done, that’s all.

Wish I could get a little undrunk
So I could uncall you
At 5 in the morning, I would unfuck you

Honestly, this party's over
Everyone here should've gone home
But I'm afraid of being sober
'Cause the first thing I do when I'm alone
I start touching myself to the photos
That you used to send me
I should've deleted, but kept it a secret
Is that crazy to do?

So I squeeze out the lime on the ice of My drink
And the juice hits the cuts on my fingers
It still doesn't burn as much as the thought of you

Wish I could get a little undrunk so I could uncall you
At 5 in the morning, I would unfuck you
But some things you can't undo
I wish I could unkiss the room full of strangers
So I could unspite you, unlose my temper
But somethings you can't undo
And one of them's you

I'm afraid to turn the lights on
I don't want to face this rebound
Is it weird if I come over?
I want to, but I know that she's around

So I'm touching myself to the photos
That you used to send me
I should have deleted, but kept it a secret
Is that crazy to do?

Oh, I'm hungry and wasted and my hands are shaking
I shouldn't be cooking but spilling hot water
It still doesn't burn as much as the thought of you

Wish I could get a little undrunk so I could uncall you
At 5 in the morning, I would unfuck you
But some things you can't undo
I wish I could unkiss the room full of strangers
So I could unspite you, unlose my temper
But somethings you can't undo
And one of them's you

Got through every emotion
Right now I'm sad, I'm broken
But the bottles in the floor
I'm to buzzed to clean them up
Wish I could get a little undrunk
So I could, I could unlove you

Wish I could get a little undrunk so I could uncall you
At 5 in the morning, I would unfuck you
But some things you can't undo
I wish I could unkiss the room full of strangers
So I could unspite you, unlose my temper
But somethings you can't undo
And one of them's

You
You, you
Wish I could unlove you
You, you, you
Wish I could uncall you
You, you, you
Wish I could unfuck you
You
Wish I could unlove you

How many days have you spent,
and how many days has it been?
How many days have you went,
without eating,
focused on breathing,
trying to make this make sense?

How many pill bottles did you sink,
and how many bottles did you drink?
How many hours did you think,
about the ending,
wrote a message without sending,
looking at the bottom, standing on the brink?

How many times have you heard,
that what you’re doing’s absurd?
Opening your mouth without forming words,
addicted to addiction,
an addict who is itchin,
listening to the voices who are constantly stirred.

How many drinks will it take,
until your body finally breaks?
How do you get rid of the shakes?
Constantly feeling,
but never dealing,
hopefully you’re here to see the daybreak.

Take my hand,
before I float away,
and don’t hesitate,
if you have something to say.

Please do not kick me,
I’m down far enough,
and if I fall any deeper,
then I might not get up.

You can see that I’m struggling,
to get out of this pit,
but the footholds are weak,
and covered in grit.

Every time I climb higher,
something breaks and I slip,
but can’t you see I’m still trying,
and haven’t gave up my grip?

Can’t you see that I’m bleeding?
That it hurts more than I say?
Can’t you see that I’m tired,
and grow more so each day?

You don’t have to save me,
or even take my hand,
just please don’t berate me,
for what you don’t understand.

You don’t have to scream,
at the monster I become.
Know I’m still inside,
and still there when he’s done.

I’m left with the wreckage,
and damage left behind.
The grief and the sorrow,
of losing ones mind.

I’ll continue to climb,
and one day I won’t fall.
Till then I just ask you,
please don’t make me feel small.

I’ve held onto this too long,
and it’s killing me inside.
The self-entitled *******,
that we selfishly call pride.

My every waking moment,
every irrational thought,
every time that I blamed others,
for what my decisions brought.

Ya I have a problem,
and everyone’s seen,
but that is no excuse,
for the way that I have been.

I’ve been a harborer of hate,
till my cup overflowed.
I invited hell in,
and if you knew me then it showed.

I shut myself off,
and told myself that no one cares.
I stopped worrying bout others,
and stayed out of their affairs.

I was selfish, and stupid,
thinking only of me,
till the poison turned inwards,
on the me I used to be.

I’ve never hated someone,
so much as what I’d become.
The hypocritical *******,
of all that I’d done.

I know it might be too late,
but I still have to try,
because if the poison remains,
then I’m going to die.

I can finally see clearly,
and maybe that’s fate.
Either way I’ll find out,
so goodbye hate.

Do you remember,
that day in September,
when we stood together,
in the pouring rain?

You told me you loved me,
but I could just not see,
how painful it could be,
three little words drove me insane.

I know better now,
and now I know how,
that sucker punch pow,
and unbearable strain.

I built “US” on those words,
and now that seems absurd,
because you left with no word,
no explanation, you abstained.

You opened my eyes,
to all of your lies,
you never said goodbye,
and that caused the most pain.

That time between evening and mourning,
it seems,
Is distantly focused,
like an unbalanced dream.

I love you,
I hate you,
Oh hell,
what to do?

My thoughts race,
my head hurts,
no need to worry,
just spasmatic touch thirsts.

Oh well,
A deep well,
at least the pain,
cannot swell.

Goodbye,
to no one,
a loving father,
and spoiled son.

I was arrogant and stupid,
while he put on the moves,
saying you deserved better,
now I know that was the truth.

I can see it now,
all the faults inside me.
It took me losing you,
for me to finally see.

I keep all your things,
tucked back in my closet,
hoping that you’ll come back,
but you won’t, and I caused it.

I took you for granted,
my hostage to fortune,
thinking you’d never leave,
you wouldn’t do that to our son.

Also, our daughter,
I helped raise since three.
It shames me to admit it,
but I thought you couldn’t do better than me.

Now it’s too late,
and you have moved on,
no matter what I say,
you will always be gone.

I’m sorry sweetheart,
for not being what you deserved.
I will love you forever,
even if you think that’s absurd.

This isn’t how,
I thought my life would be,
I thought we’d have our forever,
but that’s not reality.

“We are divorced!!!”,
you sent through a text.
I just sat there and stared,
wondering what happens next

Who knew three exclamations,
could make you so sad,
and bring a wave of pain,
and feelings so bad.

To say I wish you the best,
sounds so ******* sappy,
but at least I can say,
I finally made you feel happy.

Congrats.

My mind wanders back,
to one year ago,
to the night that we met,
and your radiant glow.

I told you I loved you,
that night as we kissed,
and we both saved each other,
from that dark, cold abyss.

Life was unfair,
to us it had seemed.
Forced to live lives,
that were terrible dreams.

A life without you,
for twenty three years,
making mistakes,
that now seem so clear.

Mistakes that taught me,
that love’s not enough.
Mistakes that taught me,
that even “perfect” is rough.

Our love became rocky,
as you became scared,
and at times I lost faith,
wondering if you cared.

But that promise I made,
to myself that first night,
to never let you go,
without a fight.

I promised I’d save you,
and show you how love could be.
How it felt to be loved,
unconditionally.

You have hurt me, it’s true,
and made me question the truth,
but I never, not once,
lost my faith in you.

Because no matter the fight,
and no matter the lie,
I still see my angel,
that’s buried inside.

The angel you show,
when you think I can’t see.
When you’re giggling and smiling,
and simply care-free.

That’s the woman I’ve loved,
since the day we first met.
A woman with strength,
that she hadn’t found yet.

So remember sweetheart,
that perfect is flawed.
We’ve made it this far,
and we’re still standing tall.

Love’s just a word,
that could never describe,
the way you make me feel,
when I look in your eyes.

The feelings you give me,
and the warmth in my heart,
and the sadness and pain,
when we are apart.

So now as I’m thinking back,
I can’t help but grin,
because there’s not one thing I’d change,
if I could do it again.

Inevitable,
such a strange word.
Impossible,
now that sounds absurd.

Meaning nothing I do,
or say will bring change.
I can tell by your look,
that it’s true, although strange.

Inevitable,
the word of the day.
Impossible,
guess there’s nothing to say...

Underneath the cold moon
In the parking lot I told you
Didn't even know you would take back the hours we wasted
We're frozen in the headlights
We're slipping on the black ice
We're shooting not to act nice
Blood in the air, I could taste it

So I found out through a mutual
The night you said that you went home
You played me like a musical
Said ignorance is beautiful
I found out through a mutual
The night you said that you went home
You tricked me with the dude I know the wrong

You said you wouldn't
But you did it
Why you lying?
I ain't kiddin
Hands numb, can't feel
This love's not real
Now I'm finding
Your handwriting
'Cross the ceiling
Close my eyes and say, "How'd I get here?"
This love's not real

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Double yellow lines like
Slipping in the black night
I'm losing all my lifelines
Never thought you could erase them

This world is full of hypocrites and ******* claiming innocence
Ya I just came to witness it
And leave here with no fingerprints
This world is full of hypocrites and ******* claiming innocence
We always want to be the prince, but it’s incestuous

You said you wouldn't
But you did it
Why you lying?
I ain't kidding
Hands numb, can't feel
This love's not real
Now I'm finding
Your handwriting
'Cross the ceiling
Close my eyes and say, "How'd I get here?"
This love's not real

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Cold sweat, shaking with the fever dream
Go back to the same crime scene
Now my ears baby won't stop ringing
My ears, yeah, they won't stop ringing
Cold sweat, shaking with the fever dream
Go back to the same crime scene
Now my ears ya they won't stop ringing

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Clean me in your river
You can wash me with your water
Purify me till I shiver
Cause I've been seeing ghosts
Is this me finally losing you
Or an optical illusion?
Every beat I make is unfinished
And every song I write is ill conceived
When all the cities fade and they diminish
Will anyone remember you and me?

What is your obsession,
with writing depression?
Just forget about it,
and try to move on.

A therapy session?!
That’s out of the question.
You’re perfectly fine,
if you do that, I’m gone.

Anti-depressants are bad,
you saw what happened to dad,
Do you want to be like a zombie,
now that’s crazy to me.

There’s no reason to be sad,
and I understand that your mad,
but there is key elements here,
that you refuse to see.

I may just be a voice,
but I do have a choice,
and I’m not the problem,
cause I’m basically you.

Alright fine, I get it,
God you sound pathetic,
blaming all your problems,
on what’s in your head.

You want to be sane,
and forget all your pain,
but it’s what makes you you,
so embrace it and move on.

You cannot erase me,
so let’s just let it be.
I can help you get through this,
together, just us.

Alright, put down the pill,
and tell me how you feel.
Oh man I feel weird,
what the **** have you done....

Staring at the ceiling,
what the hell is this feeling?
I can’t make up my mind,
of what’s real and what’s fake.

If I’m not dreaming,
then who is that screaming?
No one seems to hear it,
so that’s a mistake.

In front of the mirror,
and all I see is me,
but the me that I see,
is not who he seems to be.

Something’s not right,
in the little details,
in the colors and smells,
this is not re-al-i-ty.

I can see movement,
in the corner of my eyes,
something alive,
that’s not there when I look.

It’s like I’m in between worlds,
where time doesn’t exist,
the soundless abyss,
being dragged down by a hook.

This detox is different,
something is wrong,
I knew all along,
but that brings no relief.

This panic, is manic,
now I’m feeling frantic,
how can a person,
forget to breathe?

It’s feels like the weight,
on my shoulders has lifted,
but it’s only shifted,
and been placed on my chest.

My mind has grown muddy,
and I got nothing left,
fighting and struggling,
for every breath.

Clutching at myself,
as the tremors start.
Is it my heart?
Bring in the crash cart.

I hear someone say,
“place this under your tongue,
let it dissolve and don’t chew”,
but my tongue has gone numb.

I watch the walls bend,
and then I start to scream.
I’d like to believe it’s a dream,
but I’m not that dumb.

I can hear ambulance sirens,
so distant, and close,
but I’ve gone morose,
all I feel is the pain.

Houston, are you there?
All connections are down,
I can’t hear a sound,
I think I’ve gone insane.

Looking back on these pages,
I can’t help but see,
this outlet I’m using,
is not helping me.

I used to use poetry,
to clear out my thoughts,
to “pour out the poison”,
when I was distraught.

Lately, however,
it’s changed in some way.
That feeling of peace,
has been replaced with dismay.

I would pour out a rhyme,
and the pain would recede,
but now the water grows deeper,
and I simply can’t breathe.

I look around lately,
and this feels like a dream.
It’s like nothing is real,
just “simulated reality”.

Going through the motions,
but there has to be more,
there has to be substance,
but where is the shore?

How do I stop from drowning,
when I’m creating the waves?
Fighting to stay afloat,
and trying to act brave.

I guess the simple answer is,
is it’s not simple at all.
I have to keep trying,
if I can’t walk then I’ll crawl.

**** all the whining,
the excuses too,
because I’m in this alone,
and I know what to do.

I won’t give up easy,
and if I should fail,
then at least I’ll know I tried,
to open my sail.

So here’s to the future,
and a heart I hope mends,
but even if it doesn’t,
we’re all just stories in the end.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, and my thoughts drift towards you.
Our first kiss, in what became “our” booth at “our” restaurant.
I was shy, scared to make the first move, scared of being rejected so my mouth ran away with itself, all the while my mind screaming at me to shut up.
I was looking into your eyes, thinking how beautiful they were, and rambling. Then, it happened. That click, that unmistakable sensation of tumblers falling into place somewhere inside of me as I watched you.
You kissed me.
It was electric, like a charge running through bare wire, and the world simply fell away. Nothing mattered except for your lips, and my hands in your hair, and the sweet sensation of those tumblers clicking into place.
I knew I loved you then.
I think about that, and then I wonder how it could have went so wrong. How could a moment, a feeling, as strong as that lead to this?
Love turning to bitterness, and hatred, and regret.
Then the dust settles, and it all boils away and the bad memories are the first to go. The memories of the fights, and the suspicions, and the stupid choices that were made.
Then you are left with the good memories, the memories that seem to cut you harder than anything else could because of the simplicity of them.
They are memories of the love, the looks, the trust, and they make you want to pick up your phone and send that simple “I’m sorry”....but you are too afraid.
That first kiss though, that was real. Those feelings were real, and that memory is worth the pain.
Our booth. Our restaurant.
Our love.

A wildfire of color races across the night sky, somehow managing to be bright and beautifully dull at the same instance.
The earth is tipping, tipping, tipping. Using this racing color show as it’s farewell for another day.
You always loved this moment.
You always loved the moment when the colors sharpened against that steadily increasing backdrop of black. Red, to orange, purple then pink. It was the time that God loved us the most you used to say, to give us such beauty and to learn to appreciate it because it is gone in such a brief moment.
Like you were.
You were my sunset, my beautiful moment that did not last long enough, and unlike you I didn’t appreciate that flash of brilliance.
I do now.
Unlike the sunset, the morphing of hues of colors that seem to blend endlessly into that final cresciendo, I let the black seep in until all the colors had faded away.
I wonder where you are now.
I wonder if you are watching this.
I wonder if you are thinking of me.
I wonder if you appreciated the wildfire, no matter how brief, that was Us.
I wonder....

If I die tomorrow,
would I simply disappear?
Living flesh and memories,
that both grew for years.

Do I have a choice,
about what happens next?
Or are we simply ****** into a game,
with no written rules or text.

Can I choose to stay and watch them grieve,
can I still touch their face?
Even if they can’t see me,
they might feel warmth from my embrace.

Will I be sentenced to torture,
for breaking the rules?
Or perhaps my memories will fade,
unraveling like a spool.

I’ve tried to love all people,
and listen to my heart.
So please let me stay awhile,
because it’s tearing them apart.

The mystery of “after”,
is the cruelest thing to do.
Please let me do something,
one whispered “I love you “.

Heaven may be paradise,
but you pay for luxury,
and leaving behind my loved ones,
is too steep a price for me.

So if it’s all the same to you,
I’ll stay behind with them,
because they need me more than you do,
and to leave them would be a sin.

7AM

My head’s filled with glass,
as the sunlight streams in.
My mouth’s like the desert,
as I groan “never again”.

I fight to sit up,
and my stomach protests.
I swallow back *****,
and it’s almost a success.

I sprint to the bathroom,
and flick on the light,
barely making the toilet,
as the tears blur my sight.

Now I stare in the mirror,
through bloodshot eyes,
splashing water on my face,
as I try not to cry.

Today will be different,
I promise myself.
No drinking today,
the bottle stays on the shelf.

12PM

The aspirin has helped,
along with the food.
Just one beer with lunch,
to lighten the mood.

Besides, says my brain,
you’re more normal this way.
It’ll help you relax,
so just have one, whatcha say?
                    
6PM

The beers took the edge off,
and now I’m more fun.
I’ll just take one shot,
just one, then I’m done.

12AM

The room won’t stop spinning,
and the bottle’s all gone.
My hand is bleeding,
what the hell’s going on?

I stumble off walls,
trying to stay on my feet.
I finally fall into bed,
now, rinse and repeat.

You struggle to stand,
hell you struggle to sit.
You give everything you have,
but it’s the bottom of the pit.

And then comes the point,
when you simply lay back.
You stare at the ceiling,
And you simply lose track.

Of the hours, the days, yourself,
and your loves.
You wish it would just simply end,
and you pray to above.

“God, I am broken,
and I think it went far enough.”
“I know that it’s shameful,
but I simply can’t get up.”

I know you could heal me,
and fix me if you try,
but the damage is done,
so please let me die.

Let my dad remember,
his son before this,
and let my momma remember,
her little boys kiss.

Let my son remember,
the daddy I was,
his best friend and hero,
who towered above.

I’m just tired right now,
of trudging through hell,
and I try to stand up,
but there’s nothing left in the well.

I’m so tired, so tired,
so it’s now in your hands,
either leave me on this floor,
or help me to stand.

If you leave me, then I’ll understand,
I’ll understand that you did what you can.
Just promise me this, and then I’ll give up,
please sure my son turns into a good man.

Thank you

How could you leave me so unexpected?
I was waiting, I was waiting
For you but you just left me
I needed you, I needed you
Yo, I don't know what it's like to be addicted to *****
But I do know what it's like to be a witness it kills
You told me you love me, I'm thinking this isn't real
I think of you when I get a whiff of that cigarette smell, yeah
Welcome to the bottom of hell
They say pain is a prison, let me out of my cell
You say you proud of me, but you don't know me that well
Sit in my room, tears running down my face and I yell
Into my pillowcases, you say you coming to get me
Then call me a minute later just to tell me you not, I'm humiliated
I'm in a room with a parent that I don't barely know
Some lady in the corner watching us, while she taking notes
I don't get it dad, don't you want to watch your baby boy grow?
I guess that ***** is more important, all you have to say is no
But you won't do it will you? You gon' keep drinking 'til the ***** kills you
I know you gone but I can still feel you
Why would you leave me? Why would you leave me here?
How could you leave me here?
How would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
Oh, Hey
I got this picture in my room and it kills me
But I don't need a picture of my dad, I need the real thing
Now a relationship is something we won't ever have
Why do I feel like I lost something that I never had?
You shoulda been there when I graduated
Told me you love me and congratulations
Instead you left me at the window waiting
Where you at dad? I was too young to understand where you at huh?
Yeah, I know that alcohol  got you held captive
I can see it in your eyes, its got your mind captured
Some say it's fun to get the high but I am not laughing
What you don't realise and what you not grasping
That I was nothing but a kid who couldn't understand
I ain't gon' say that I forgive you cause it hasn't happened
I thought that maybe I feel better as time passes
If you really cared for me, then where you at then?
Why would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
How could you leave me here?
How would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
Hey
Our last conversation, you and I sat in the living room
Playing our video games, you started slurring and I broke down in front of you
You started crying, telling me this isn't you
Couple weeks later, guess you were singing a different tune
You Drank that ***** for the last time, didn't you?
It took you from me once, guess It came back to finish you
Crying my eyes out in the studio is difficult
Music is the only place that I can go to speak to you
It took everything inside of me to not scream at your funeral
Sitting in my chair, that person talking was pitiful
I wish you were here dad but every time I picture you
All I feel is pain, I hate the way I remember you
They found you on the floor, I could tell that you felt hollow
Gave everything you had plus your life to those jack bottles
You gave everything you had plus your life to them jack bottles
Don't know if you hear me or not, but if you still watching why
Why would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
How could you leave me here?
How would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
Hey

Where the **** are we going?
Take off the blindfold so that I can see,
ya I know that you said that already,
but we got places to be.

Finally, Jesus now tell me,
what the **** are we doing out here?
And why the hell are you smiling?
The ******* mean that should be clear?

Oh I see, another scare tactic,
let me guess you’re taking control?
You know that this never works,
wait, why the **** did you dig a hole?

What do you mean you’re scared of me?
I’ve always just been here to help.
Oh here we go again about therapy.
******* mean it’s about mental health?

I’m only what you made me, but I like it here,
so I think that I’ll ******* stay.
We both know you don’t have what it takes,
so put the gun down and just walk away.

You keep acting like you don’t know me,
like I’m just a part of the id.
That’s laughable, Brad, you’re an idiot,
I’ve known you since you were a kid.

You act like the drinking was my fault,
but who the **** pulled you out of the gloom?
And what about all those nights you cried,
after grandma died, all alone in your room?

Look, just put the gun down,
and let’s go have a drink.
Nah, you’ll never be done,
thats just what you think.

Fine, go ahead, pull the trigger,
you know I’ll be back in a week.
Bury your issues like always,
but you better bary me ******* deep.

Getting rid of me will solve nothing,
I’ll be with you until you die,
so no goodbyes, I’ll see you later,
but go ahead, give it a try.

*boom

Someone call the Doctor,
because something’s amiss.
The darkness descended,
and there’s just the abyss.

Tell him, that maybe,
a paradox formed.
That up, is now right,
and that demons have swarmed.

Tell him, please tell him,
that we need the blue box.
We need his courage,
to turn back the clock.

I know the moment,
the exact time it went wrong,
but I can’t do it alone,
I’ve done that too long.

If we just had the Doctor,
we could set things to right.
We could change that moment,
and bring back the light.

I know he’s not coming,
and that he’s not real.
It’s just wishful writing,
to push back my fears.

A hero, a savior,
someone who knows all.
Someone who isn’t me,
that could stop the slow fall.

A blue box, a Doctor,
a moment in time.
A villain, so empty,
writing silly rhymes.

A paradox, truly,
that doesn’t make sense.
Can a villain turn hero,
if he shows recompense?

I guess we shall see,
but I won’t hold my breath.
I’ll wait for the Doctor,
or I’ll just wait for Death.

Last night I saw a shooting star,
and it made me think of you.
Brilliant white, and trailing light,
against a sky of purple blue.

I wonder if you saw it,
and if it made you think of me.
I wonder if you smiled,
as it burned, and ceased to be.

I wonder if you made a wish,
and what that wish could be.
I know it's wishful thinking,
but did it involve me?

Sorry, I know, I'm just wondering,
you probably missed it anyways.
I'll  still hold on to my wish though,
of long forgotten days...

We shall speak of many things,
of life and love between.
We shall find the tiny spaces,
and explore each other's dreams.

You can lose yourself inside my mind,
growing lost among the sweet.
But do not fear, for you my dear,
need only follow your feet.

Take the path that I have made,
and meet me at the end.
For I'll be there, and there I'll share,
my hopes upon the wind.

There is no need for breadcrumbs,
just follow right along.
For at the end, is where we begin,
and it's right where you belong.

The colors are back,
so crisp and clear.
The loneliness is better,
as well as the fear.

I was wandering,
just floating along.
I was going through the motions,
acting like nothing was wrong.

I had given up,
and I can see that now.
I knew I could get better,
I just didn’t know how.

So I wandered, and I walked,
down paths to nowhere,
looking for something,
that wasn’t quite clear.

You were the light,
when the world became dark,
when I wanted to give up,
I would see your spark.

So I kept on going,
searching for you,
wondering if you were real,
but I hadn’t a clue.

Your light became brighter,
the closer I got,
and soon I was running,
towards that tiny dot.

The colors came back,
so crisp and clear.
The loneliness got better,
as well as the fear.

Suddenly you were there,
and that’s when I knew.
You were my beacon,
but I was yours too.

We were wandering lost,
trying to find some hope,
seeing each other,
at the ends of our ropes.

So let’s light up the world,
that we create.
We can do it together,
before it’s too late.

I never knew,
it could hurt this much.
Feeling so lost,
and so out of touch.

I break the surface,
but get pulled back down.
My will to struggle,
fights my desire to drown.

Every day, it's tortured thoughts,
of memories we made.
Now I know, that they're all false,
and my sanity simply fades.

So now the question is the gun or pills,
the razor blade or rope?
Each day, the idea makes more sense,
as I'm slowly losing hope.

If I could just be thrown away,
what use could I be?
And if I see you with him,
I'll lose my sanity.

The dreams are the worst.
because they're still happy you see.
For just a moment, when I wake up,
you're still lying next to me.

Then the walls, come crashing down,
and the memories rush in.
I have to relive everything,
again, and again, and again.

Then it's once again the gun or pills,
the rope or razor blade,
as I traverse the life we built,
and the emptiness you made.

This could be purgatory,
or it really could be hell,
but if there is a difference,
then I simply cannot tell.

I just want the pain to end,
no matter what it takes,
because no one should have to live,
feeling they're a mistake.

I simply can't take it,
my heart hurts inside my chest.
I tried to be a good man,
but I failed to do my best.

So now it's just a choice,
I just have to choose the way.
I've finally found some happiness,
cause this pain will end today.

I'm Sorry

ad·dic·tion
əˈdikSH(ə)n/Submit
noun
the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.


Step back a second,
before you judge,
and let me tell you the facts,
of addiction to drugs.

People think it’s clear cut,
that you chose to be an addict.
That the bottle, or needle,
is just some kind of tick.

They don’t know the fear,
when you’re not in control.
When you’re crying, while using,
and it’s ripping you’re soul.

They don’t know the feeling,
when you start to hide it away.
It’s a secret, I’m fine,
just another day.

They can’t see the battle,
of you versus your mind.
When you’re scared you might die,
but you try to act fine.

They don’t know the feeling,
when you know that they know,
and they don’t say a thing,
as you watch their disappointment grow.

They don’t know you slept,
on the bathroom floor,
passed out from your drug,
because you shut the door.

They don’t see,
you pushing your sides.
Checking your organs,
hoping today you won’t die.

Your fingernails are pink,
thats healthy right?
You don’t have a problem,
your eyes are still bright.

Who are you fooling,
they see the weight loss.
They know somethings wrong,
but it’s a bridge they won’t cross.

Now your on your own,
fighting your own brain,
trying your best to stop,
but you’re going insane.

Your addiction has won,
and you still try to fight.
That’s what no one sees,
is that you never lost sight.

That voice in your head,
that person you used to be,
has been drowned out,
by that addictive personality.

You want to apologize,
to simply beg for help,
but the shame stops you,
because you just blame yourself.

You didn’t choose to be this,
and you wish to take it back,
but you don’t think they’ll believe you,
because they can’t see the cracks.

Please don’t judge me,
I don’t want this at all.
I wish you understood,
that I’m against the wall.

I want my life back,
I want it to go away.
I never wanted to disappoint,
I didn’t want to be afraid.

Help me.


If you are having addiction struggles, I urge you to contact the helpline 1-888-508-4193.  There is no shame in admitting you need help with something you cannot control. I wish the best for you all.

Running, running,
running away.
Running to a time,
that isn’t today.

Wasting, wasting,
wasting away.
Something isn’t right,
I’ve gone astray.

Slipping, slipping,
slipping away.
Losing my grip,
a little more each day.

Crying, trying,
flying away.
What do I do,
please help me today.

Never mind,not your fault,
just run away.
I’ll try to fix me,
tomorrow, not today.

The best parts of you,
are what make me, me.
My smile, my hair,
my personality.

You grew me inside you,
and nurtured me slow,
smiling when I kicked,
and helping me grow.

How could I not love you?
Without you, there’s no me.
I could never imagine,
life without you, you see?

Every fall, every scrape,
every skinned knee.
You made such a big deal,
at every injury.

I know it’s not easy,
and I can be a brat,
but when I really need you,
you’re there to hold me so fast.

You’re the diplomat, the cook,
you’re the washer and nurse.
You can be a bit crazy,
but you held me first.

Now I am older,
and understand the truth.
There is no handbook,
that shows you what to do.

You winged it mom,
always questioning things,
but you never stopped trying,
and never stopped giving.

I love you for that,
for the unhindered love.
For the meals, and the talks,
and for the endless hugs.

I will always love you,
because you’re the best parts of me.
You’re a fighter, a wonder,
you’re what I wish to be.


Happy Mother’s Day

I found a dancing spider,
so majestic on his feet.
I decided to adopt him,
and named the fella Pete.

Pete was quite amazing,
and he became my friend,
he’d dance for me, so gleefully,
until his tragic end.

He knew when I was worried,
or when I was feeling blue.
With a tip, and a tap, a shimmy and a rap,
he could always bring me through.

My dancing friend, met his end,
by pure accident you see.
I didn’t see him on the ground,
and perhaps he tried to flee.

Now my dancing spider,
is buried in the ground.
I feel so bad, and get so sad,
that Pete is not around.

No more dances, no more twirls,
to brighten up my day.
I hope he knows I’m sorry,
that things ended up this way.

But, although the story is sad,
and I promise that it’s true.
It has a happy ending,
and now I’ll tell it to you.

The other day, when I came home,
I was missing Pete so bad.
When I closed the door, and looked at the floor,
I saw something that made me glad.

A tiny dancing spider,
was twirling on the spot.
It would seem, Pete was a she,
I think I’ll name her Dot.

Today I saw a ghost,
and didn’t know just how to act.
I sat and stared, so unprepared,
for a fiction that’s a fact.

It came out of nowhere,
and caught me so off guard.
I froze in place, the look on my face,
both terrified and hard.

He should be dead, at least I thought,
he died so long ago.
So why the hell, for heavens sake,
should he now decide to show?

I buried him, with my own hands,
I scooped the dirt myself.
I didn’t want to, trust me now,
that chapter was on the shelf.

Mr. nice guy, oh so cool,
such an understanding guy.
If you only knew, that there were two,
then you would know just why.

Today I saw myself,
the part I thought had died.
Now I don’t know, just we’re he went,
but I wonder why he lied.

You came along,
and my heart did a double take.
I smile now,
and it doesn’t have to be fake.

Thank you.

The damage is done,
I’ve accepted that.
I want to retrace,
but there’s no going back.

Can you be so damaged,
that there’s no going back?
I wonder that point,
till my brain starts to slack.

I try to be normal,
to socialize and such.
I don’t remember how,
this is all just too much.

I’ll crawl back in my cave,
and settle down deep.
Yes I do hear you,
but my attention don’t seep.

I am lost,
now forget me.
Your trials are done.
Forget my struggle,
I am fine just as one.

I’m better off,
this way you know.
Move on and forget me,
you’re welcome for the show.

Validation.
The name of the game.
If you know what I mean,
then you feel the same.

If not, I’ll explain,
so pull up a chair.
Allow me to enlighten,
listen if you dare.

I wake up in the morning,
first thing, check my phone.
Next it’s the apps, and the emails,
constantly refreshing them alone.

Validate me,
show me I exist.
Not a word, or a quip,
or a single call missed.

Validate me,
show me my worth.
Show me I’m a human,
on this isolated earth.

Please validate me,
or am I even here?
****, chase away those thoughts,
and scare off those fears.

Validate me. Please.
Perhaps I’m a ghost.
Or maybe I’m invisible,
or maybe, I’m dead.

Help me.

I thought,
that I've been hurt before,
but no one's ever,
left me quite this sore.

Your words cut deeper,
than a knife.
Now I need someone,
to breathe me back to life.

Got a feeling that I'm going under,
but I know that I'll make it out alive.
If I quit calling you my lover,
move on.

You watch me,
bleed until I can't breathe.
I'm shaking,
falling onto my knees,
and now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches.

I'm tripping over myself,
arching, begging you to come help,
and now that I'm without your kisses,
I'll be needing stitches.

Just like a moth,
drawn to a flame.
Oh you lured me in,
I couldn't sense the pain.

Your bitter heart cold to the touch,
now I'm gonna reap what I sow.
I'm left seeing red on my own.

Got a feeling that I'm going under,
but I know that I'll make it out alive.
If I quit calling you my lover,
Move on.

You watch me,
bleed until I can't breathe.
I'm shaking,
falling onto my knees.

And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches.

I'm tripping over myself,
Aching,
begging you to come help.
And now that I'm without your kisses,
I'll be needing stitches.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head,
needle and the thread,
ginna wind up dead.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head,
needle and the thread,
gonna wind up dead.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head,
needle and the thread,
gonna wind up dead.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head, get you out of my head.

You watch me,
bleed until I can't breathe.
I'm shaking,
falling onto my knees (falling on my knees).

And now that,
I'm without your kisses,
I'll be needing stitches (and I'll be needing stitches)
I'm tripping over myself
Aching begging you to come help (begging baby please)
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches

Untethered,
that’s the best way to describe it.
That feeling of floating,
and sinking too.

The world seeming unreal,
like the colors are wrong.
Simulated reality,
where the nights are too long.

Going through the motions,
and not caring at all.
An outsider,
who’s on the outside, of outside.

Catching yourself,
staring off into space,
wondering if someone noticed,
realizing no one’s there to see.

Those days,
you forget to remember,
are somehow worse,
than the days you remember to forget.

That horrifying realization,
when even your brain doesn’t care.
When it simply says “whatever”,
like you’re giving up on you.

These days don’t last,
they never do,
but they are terrifying,
when it’s only you.

You don’t want anyone to worry,
don’t want them to see,
the pain, the fear, the nothing,
that you sometimes become.

If someone could just take that rope,
and tie it down tight.
Bring the colors back,
and chase away the night.

Someone to ask,
if you’re really ok.
Someone you could trust,
to say “no, not today”.

Someone you could look at,
and simply let go and break.
Someone who wanted to give,
instead of just take.

Someone who knew,
and wouldn’t tell you to stand,
but would simply lay with you,
and tether you back to land.

So, “no, not today”,
but maybe tomorrow.
Today I am floating,
and there’s only the sorrow.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood.

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing.
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something,
I could take to ease my mind slowly.

Just have a drink and you'll feel better.
Just take her home and you'll feel better.
Keep telling me that it gets better.

Does it ever?

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
no medicine is strong enough,
someone help me.

I'm crawling in my skin.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood.

It isn't in my blood.

I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious.
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this.
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh.

Is there somebody who could Help me?
It’s like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
no medicine is strong enough.

Someone help me.

I'm crawling in my skin.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood.

It isn't in my blood.

I need somebody now,
I need somebody now.
Someone to help me out,
I need somebody now.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood,
It isn't in my blood,
It isn't in my blood.

I need somebody now,
It isn't in my blood.
I need somebody now.



It isn't in my blood.

Since the day I was born,
you have always been there.
Showing me love,
showing me that you care.

You have watched me grow up,
into the man that I am.
You taught me my manners,
to say ''please'' and ''yes maam''.

It has been a long road,
it's been curved and rough,
but you always stick by me,
and you never give up.

So now I’m thinking back,
to when I was so small.
With you watching Godzilla,
and the cyclops in Krull.

Laughing hysterically,
at the mangy king kong.
Hiding my face in your shirt,
when chucky did wrong.

The hours and hours,
of pitching skills taught,
and the bruises and swellings,
that each lesson brought.

So many memories,
that you have given to me,
and an outlook on life,
that few others can see.

You are the mother,
every child wishes for.
The one I show tears to,
my best friend and more.

So to the mother I love,
I just wanted to say,
that you've made me so proud,
to be your son every day...

I reach for your hand,
and I give a soft squeeze.
I lean my head back,
and enjoy the warm breeze.

I take in the sight,
of the snow covered peaks,
as the tears stream my face,
and I wipe off my cheeks.

The top of the world,
is a beautiful place,
but it still doesn't match,
the smile on your face.

You have given me hope,
when all hope was lost,
and you've shown me that love,
can come at no cost.

You believed in me,
when no one else would,
and you stand by my side,
where no one has stood.

You have taken my heart,
and pieced it back whole.
You’ve  helped me to stand,
and gave me back my soul.

I don't know what to say,
for all that you do,
and for the love that you give me,
and your selflessness to.

But I can promise you love,
until the end of all time,
and I'll stand by you forever,
with your hand safe in mine.

My sweet, beautiful angel,
the love of my life.
My reason for living,
and my soon to be wife...

I was walking a tunnel,
so cold and alone.
With no light to guide me,
no way to be shown.

I walked, and I walked,
for days upon nights.
Just a long empty tunnel,
with no end in sight.

That was my life,
before I met you,
and where I was going,
I hadn't a clue.

You took away my fear,
and you made me complete.
Something I always thought,
an impossible feat.

This love that we share,
feels just like a dream,
and I feel like my heart,
may burst at the seams.

You are selfless and caring,
and you have always been there.
You look through my flaws,
cause you simply don't care.

You are perfect to me,
in every way.
In all that you do,
and all that you say.

You have taken my soul,
and filled in the crease.
Your my soulmate, my love,
you were my missing piece...

If I gave you a knife,
and asked you to cut,
would you do it I wonder,
and if so, how much?

slash

Would you hesitate?
Would your mind suddenly freeze?
Or would you take pleasure,
in bringing me to my knees?

slash

Would the sight of my blood,
shock you enough to quit?
Would the sight of the scars,
make you loosen your grip?

slash

Would the simple knowledge,
of those scars frighten you?
When you realized,
they were both old an new?

slash

Would the memories pour in,
of holding the same knife askew?
Memories of cutting,
when I didn’t ask you to.

slash

Would your anger, and hatred,
suddenly melt away?
When you realized I was ASKING,
for you to cut me this way.

slash

Would you finally break down,
when you could hear my words?
“I am sorry, I deserve this”,
over and over whispered.

slash

Would you take me in your arms,
and try to soothe me?
I’d like to believe you would,
if you could only see.

slash

I’ll allow you to cut me,
because it’s what I earned.
I just wish you would stop,
or at least show concern.

slash........
*thud

In the darkest time,
when I was at my worst.
I woke up on the floor,
with a black-out thirst.

I drank to forget,
to sleep without dreams.
It worked while I held it,
then it started holding me.

This poem’s not about drinking,
or making an excuse.
It’s about what I forgot,
while forgetting you.

No, I take that back,
It’s not what I forgot.
This is about what I remember,
and now I remember a lot.

I met you on Facebook,
through the Stephen King group.
Then, I was happily married,
and then so were you.

We became quick friends,
both sarcastic and rude.
It was innocent friendship,
just friendship, it’s true.

Then we became closer,
as my problems grew,
and your baby was born too early,
but we helped each other through.

We became best friends,
discussing everything.
I watched your kids grow,
and laughed when you’d sing.

It was innocent,
but didn’t stay that way.
Because I realized you loved me,
and that I felt the same way.

We said it to each other,
as casual friends,
but we both knew the meaning,
of each syllable sent.

Then we planned to meet,
me divorced, but you not.
We were both so excited,
the tickets already bought.

I felt so guilty,
because I was at my worst.
I knew I wasn’t coming,
but I think you knew first.

We fought then,
and I ran away.
Deleted everything,
and grew worse every day.

Your trip came and passed,
and I wanted to call.
I was so ******* ashamed,
I let you down after all.

Six months went by,
and I wrote an email each day.
My mouse would waver on send,
but never send it away.

I did finally send it,
and we’re talking again.
But it’s different now,
and I want it to mend.

Now you’re divorced,
and unhappy I know.
You dealt with that **** alone,
because I was a no show.

I can never express,
how sorry I am.
I can never take it back,
and for that I am ******.

You deserved more,
than the sole of my shoe.
You deserved so much more,
than my stupid “I love you”.



I’m sorry....

Generalized *******,
anatomically anomaly.
Undoubtedly, indubitably,
masagonistic managomy.

Peaceably, restricting me,
consequently bare.
Panoramic, parasitic,
encompassing stare.

Romantically constipated,
embarrassing bore.
Grossly, morosely,
simplistic *****.

Wheedling, needling,
nasally voice.
Halitosis, boisterous,
unrealistic choice.

I wanna write something,
so ****** it’s bad.
Something when you read,
you get so ******* mad.

I wanna touch on those insecurities,
that only I knew about.
I wanna push all those buttons,
till your crying out loud.

I wanna curse you,
tell you that I hope you’re miserable.
I wanna break you down,
till your a pile of dribble.

I want to rage at you,
and put a hole through the wall.
I want to scream at you till,
you feel ******* small.

sigh

I want to tell you I love you,
even through it all.
I want to do all these things,
cause I feel two inches tall.

I want to tell you I’m sorry,
and that it’s ok,
and that I still think about you,
and wonder if you’re happy today.

I wanna look in your eyes,
to see if the grass was greener after all.
And if it turns out it wasn’t,
I’d tell you not to feel small.

I want to give you advice,
and to re-know your heart.
I want all the things,
that we had from the start.

I’m a walking contradiction,
with that I’m on terms,
but I guess I never stopped loving you,
through the crashes and burns.

*sigh

I asked you a question,
but you ignored what I said.
Choosing to belittle,
and ridicule instead.

Anything,
is better,
than nothing,
at all.

The question was serious,
and I know you knew that.
I shouldn’t have put it out there,
but now I can’t take it back.

I laid awake,
imagining your answer.
A million scenarios ran,
each one better.

I built it up,
like I always do.
The picket fence dream,
with the rocking chairs too.

What I didn’t expect,
was a change of subject.
I realize now,
that’s a form of reject.

I’m sorry for asking,
for putting you on the spot,
but you could have just told me,
instead, you did not.

Paging Dr. Jekyll ,
he’s gotten lose again.
No, no casualties yet,
just a long trail of sin.

Yes, we understand,
control’s not the issue.
I think it’s time for drastic measures,
yes, you know what to do.

What do you mean,
he’s part of your mind?
It doesn’t matter at this point,
he’s too dangerous alive.

**** him dear friend,
or the blood’s on your hands.
He’s hurting people,
and that simply won’t stand.

He’s a monster, a freak,
you’re much better off.
There will be side affects,
but nothing’s gained without loss.

Hello? Dr. Jekyll?
Are you there? Is it done?
Oh God Dr. Jekyll,
what have you done?

Listening to the rain,
patter on the windshield.
So soothing, and sad,
my heart becomes chilled.

Memories of rain,
bring back memories of you.
Things I never forgot,
but it brings regret too.

Tip tip, tip tap,
remember that storm?
Tip tip, tip tap,
you were blessedly warm.

The windows open,
the rain pouring outside
You on top of me,
the lightning in your eyes.

That was our first time together,
hell, your first time at all.
Slowly grinding in time,
to each raindrops fall.

It was electric, and exciting,
and I knew I loved you then.
Your hand on my chest,
and that beautiful grin.

It’s no surprise really,
why I love the rain.
Because it holds that memory,
and absolutely no pain.

It was beautiful, and romantic,
and perfect in every way.
Almost thirteen years ago,
and the memory never fades.

So thank you, my dear,
for that gift that you gave.
Not just the gift of you,
but the memory of rain.

I wonder if you know,
that I used to watch you sleep.
Not in a weird way,
not being a creep.

Just watching,
your head on my chest.
Running my fingers through your hair,
and trying to match each breath.

Do you know that your lip,
does this cute, pouty thing?
Or that you’d sometimes giggle,
at what seemed like nothing.

It was always then,
that our future seemed clear.
No worries, or arguing,
simply no fear.

I think watching you sleep,
was when I loved you best.
Both of us smiling,
and two hearts at rest.

I’d give anything,
to hear that giggle again.
Or to feel your soft breath,
whisper on my skin.