Just ******* bleh.
****.

What is that sound?
tick tick, tick tock.
It’s really quite odd,
I don’t own a clock.

It’s ninety one past thirteen,
wait, that can’t be right.
Time for another pill,
medicinal light.

Just smile, and nod,
until your cheeks hurt.
Now laugh, pull it back,
compliment their new shirt.

It’s orange, no it’s red,
**** what is that hue?
What do you mean it’s white?
It’s ******* pastel blue.

Now throw out a joke,
and some proper context.
Good job, you failed,
like an impotent sext.

You’re talking too loud,
oh Jesus, shut up.
How much have you drank?
Really? One cup?!

Finger guns now,
and a smooth exit we go.
Ya that wasn’t awkward,
you nailed it, fo sho.

Hi, it’s me,
I’m just checking in.
I know you don’t want to talk,
or see me again.

I just miss you, ya know?
This is so **** hard.
I was doing ok,
until I got your card.

I broke down then,
and realized what I’d done.
I could tell you I’m sorry,
no excuses, not one.

I was more broken,
than even I knew.
I guess I wasn’t ready,
cause the glue was still new.

If we’d only met,
when I was still whole.
I think it might of been different,
or maybe I’d still be an *******.

I just wanted to say,
that I’m sorry is all.
You deserved better,
and I let you fall.

I’ll let you go,
you’re busy I bet.
Just know that I loved you,
and please don’t forget.

You’ve already taken,
all that I had.
My ambition, my drive,
even my dreams have turned bad.

I can’t keep doing this,
you're killing me ya know.
It took a long time to realize,
I was out of control.

I thought you were helping,
at first it was fun.
You helped me relax,
but I have to be done.

Some days I don’t miss you,
and others it’s hell.
I wish I could forget you,
but I miss your smell.

How can you be so seductive,
and dangerous too?
And why don’t I seem normal,
unless I have you?

Today is bad,
I need you I think.
My brain won’t shut up,
and sanity’s on the brink.

You intoxicate me,
you literally do.
I’m wasting away though,
and that’s literal too.

So please stay away,
and get out of my head.
Let me live my life,
without so much dread.

Today’s a bad day,
I’ll try to be strong.
I think I can do it,
but I don’t know for how long.

My breath disappears,
and my knees become weak.
You say that your sorry,
as these tears stream your cheeks.

Time suddenly stops,
and my breath will not come.
Standing here speechless,
broken and numb.

A moment in time,
that I will never forget.
The moment you left,
and filled my heart with regret.

My breath suddenly comes,
in short ragged strokes.
My eyes become blurry,
and burn as I choke.

You wipe away tears,
as you turn and walk away.
As i'm fighting for words,
for something to say.

I say the three words,
that echo in my mind.
I whisper "I love you",
the only words I can find.

You hesitate for a second,
and then keep walking on.
My heart slowly breaks,
and just like that you are gone.

A moment in time,
and a heart that won't mend.
The day that I lost you,
my true love, my best friend...

Your heart is racing,
about to derail.
Your conciousness fading,
about to set sail.

Your eyes start to water,
as tears prepare to fall.
But you cannot allow it,
show no weakness at all.

Concentrate on your hands,
open the paper again.
Look through the words,
without taking them in.

Try not to break,
they're counting on you.
Shut out the pain,
it's all you can do.

The tears can come,
when your finally alone.
But not a second before,
now steady your tone.

Keep your voice natural,
so they know your ok.
The last thing they need,
is to worry bout you today.

Your knees may be weak,
and your stomach's in knots.
But give them a smile,
to steady their thoughts.

So think about anything,
other than what's tearing you apart.
They're counting on you,
so don't let the tears start.

You are their rock,
so never show them your sorrow.
Because they need your strength now,
and they'll need it tomorrow.

This is it,
the end of things.
The end of hope,
and the end of dreams.

Nothing is worth it,
no need to hold on.
The message is simple,
I need to get gone.

This pen on the paper,
is meaningless now.
I wish i could explain,
but I do not know how.

Meaning is fleeting,
and doesn't matter at all.
Nothing is there,
just a very long fall.

I'm sorry for this,
for the confusion and pain.
I've got nothing left,
and that drives me insane.

So no long goodbyes,
this is selfish I know.
I love you all dearly,
but it's time I should go.

****, messy,
exquisitely wet.
A soft moan escapes you,
as our lips met.
Slide my hand up your shirt,
to the small of your back.
Your muscles are tense,
the night is so black.
I pull you in close,
my other hand in your hair.
You grind hard against me,
moaning at what’s there.
This is wrong, and we know it,
so wrong, it’s taboo.
We can stop it right here,
but neither one of us do.
Now your hand is clutching,
and it’s like fire now.
We’re ripping, and tearing,
like animals on the prowl.
There are climaxes,
too many to count.
We’re gasping, and panting,
and both screaming out.
We’re using each other,
like we knew that we would.
It’s so ******* wrong,
but it’s so ******* good.
The guilt can come later,
as well as the shame.
But not while I’m inside you,
not while your screaming my name.

What has happened to me,
to my social skills?
Frantic, and panicked,
are not conditionally ideal.

I want you to like me,
I want you to see.
To see through my awkwardness,
and help set me free.

I do talk too much,
my mouth won’t shut up.
It’s like the relay in my brain,
is broken, or corrupt.

I’m not usually like this,
I hear my mouth say.
Constantly apologizing,
and then you’ve gone away.

I want to explain,
the jumbled mess of my head.
But I don’t know how to do it,
without making it worse instead.

No I’m not weird,
I’ve just been alone.
Social skills need exercise,
and mine are skin and bones.

When you walk away,
another part of me dies.
Part of me wants to explain,
and part of me wants to cry.

Im turning into two people,
the oddball and the norm.
When they try to coexist,
it creates the perfect storm.

So no, I don’t blame you,
for walking away.
Just know that I’m sorry,
for being this way.

You’ll only have one,
just one, and that’s it.

                                                            ­                            No, I don’t want it,
                                                             ­                                 I’m done, I quit!

Of course you want it,
cmon, only one.
Besides, you’re much funnier,
and way more fun.

                                                           ­                        I know that’s not true,
                                                           ­                      and it’s killing us slow.
                                                           ­               I don’t want it, please stop,
                                                           ­                                 go away, just go!

Where would I go?
Let’s not talk nonsense.
Just one drink man,
you deserve it my friend.

                                                        ­                          How can you say that?
                                                           ­                            You’re a part of me.
                                                             ­            You know one turns to two,
                                                            ­                      and two turns to three.

Nah, not this time,
this time isn’t the same.
Just have one man,
cmon, for old times.








There ya go......
How about just one more?

Such a delicate matter,
“we don’t talk about that”.
So unwilling, a feeling,
let’s ignore all the facts.

Let’s ignore the signs,
because to speak would bring truth.
It’s an out of bounds subject,
that’s strictly uncouth.

A therapist, what for?
You’re gonna be fine.
What do you mean you’re depressed?
Just have a glass of wine.

What do you mean you texted?
Of course I didn’t leave you on read.
You’re being over dramatic,
of course you’re not better off dead.

Sorry, I’ve been busy,
ya I know you wanted to talk.
Is it important?
Cause I’m going for a walk.

Haven’t heard from you in awhile,
are you doing ok?
Hello?! Are you there?!
It’s been like three days!

Ok, you’re starting to scare me,
please answer your phone.
No one can get ahold of you,
Hello? Hello?!

“Do you think you’re funny?”,
she asked with a frown.
Now I know that I’m funny,
but I’m not saying that now.

The slight hesitation,
is all that she needs.
“This is not a ******* joke”,
a statement loaded with irony.

I fight back the smile,
still not saying a word.
She crosses her arms,
and it’s all so absurd.

I finally start giggling,
when I meet her eyes,
and the pain from her slap,
is a shocking surprise.

The utter silence is thick,
and I’m lost for words,
I try to say something,
but my mouth ******* hurts.

I know it’s one of those moments,
where all could be lost,
so I compose myself,
and prepare for the cost.

I look her in the eyes,
so she knows she’s lost the fight,
and grab the last slice of pizza,
and take a huge bite.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a feeling,
a human emotion.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is coming home,
and no one is there.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is laying awake,
with no one beside you.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is having no one,
no one to love.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a feeling,
a broken heart and soul.

I'm lonely...

Listen to my story,
and you might think twice before,
you proceed to judge me,
and show me to the door.

If you only knew the fear,
and the courage this took,
maybe then you would listen,
and give me a second look.

An alcoholic father,
who puts his hands on me,
is what I come home to,
everyday at three-fifteen.

A mother who blames me,
for the abuse that I recieve.
Never raising a finger,
to pack me up and leave.

A day full of insults,
as I walk through the halls,
and a foot in the aisles,
and laughter when I fall.

I never learned morals,
through all of my abuse,
nor the love of a parent,
so what is your excuse?

Does it make you feel better,
to make me feel small?
To just keep on pushing,
until I break down and bawl.

I never asked for this life,
for this heartache and shame.
I have enough problems,
without being your game.

I can cover up the bruises,
with second-hand clothes,
and I can walk with my head down,
so the guilt doesn't show.

But I can't ignore the fear,
that lives within me.
The fear of going home,
of how bad today will be.

I'm asking for help,
and for someone to stand.
For someone to listen,
and do what they can.

I understand rules,
and just how they work.
But why do the rules,
neglect someone who's hurt?

You can see all the bruises,
the scars and the burns.
Each one a lesson,
daddy thought I should learn.

So don't look at me,
as if I'm burdening you.
Because you only know a little,
of what I've been through.

I'm begging for help,
and for you to save me.
So please be my hero,
before three-fifteen.

An unordered chaos,
of catastrophic events.
Trying to find all the pieces,
and glue them back into sense.

But what if some of the pieces,
can never be found?
You're scraping the bottom,
but only digging the ground.

What if all of the voices,
that shout in your head,
never shut up,
but grow louder instead?

What if someone should notice,
that your smile is fake,
and is just a bit manic,
like a clown at a wake?

You ***** for the answers,
but the answers aren't there.
You tell everyone you're fine,
and pretend you don't care.

But then you're alone,
and the darkness creeps in.
The voices start whispering,
and you want to give in.

It's deeper than pain,
and it tears you apart.
It drives you insane,
and rips through your heart.

You can't catch your breath,
no matter how hard you try.
Like you're climbing a mountain,
and almost touching the sky.

So much blame, and shame,
infecting your thoughts.
So many memories tainted,
of the life that you sought.

It's a ruin, a wreckage,
and all you can do,
is try to stay afloat,
and pray for rescue.

My name is Elizabeth,
and you think you know me.
You've seen me every day,
since the year I turned three.

I am quiet, and reserved,
and smarter than most,
but my quiet demeanor,
turns me into a ghost.

I'm easily forgotten,
with all the ruckus and noise.
The laughing and shouting,
from the other girls and boys.

If I could speak up,
I'd tell you the truth.
I'd tell you he's lying,
about how I got this bruise.

If I wasn't so afraid,
to tell you my side,
then maybe you'd help me,
if you knew that he lied.

He says it's my fault,
that he has to teach me like this,
but I know better now,
that you don't teach with fists.

He teaches mommy too,
and she's afraid just like me,
but she still hides the marks,
so that no one will see.

I would love to make friends,
to run, laugh, and play.
But all the kids tease me,
for acting this way.

Maybe if you taught words,
like neglect, and abuse.
Then I'd know it was wrong,
and wouldn't be so confused.

But today I'll stay quiet,
just like mommy said.
Even though she was crying,
and her eyes were all red.

Daddy tells us he loves us,
that we're his princess, and queen.
But the brown bottle stuff,
makes him angry and mean.

Maybe if I took the brown bottle,
and poured it down the sink.
Then daddy would be happy,
and be able to think.

It won't hurt to try,
I'll do it after school.
Then maybe daddy can love us,
without being so cruel.

My name is Elizabeth,
and I stay out of sight.
I'm too scared to tell you,
but if you asked me, I might.

The day you bring me home,
I’ll be delicate, and small.
I’ll need you day and night,
to keep me safe if I should call.

Next you’ll chase me everywhere,
as I begin to crawl,
and when I take that first step,
I know you’ll catch me if I fall.

You will read to me, and dance with me,
and make me giggle with delight.
Always there to hold me,
when I get scared at night.

It will break your heart,
when I can do things on my own,
and some days you’ll feel like crying,
when you see how much I’ve grown.

It will happen in a flash,
at least that’s how it seems.
One day I’m turning two,
and the next it’s seventeen.

An eternity, a lifetime,
that’s only seconds long.
Full of a million memories,
from diapers to the prom.

So enjoy me every day,
and hold me while you can.
Cover me with kisses,
and always hold my hand.

Push me on the swing,
and be silly as can be.
Teach me how to laugh,
and always let me be me.

Our memories are treasure,
that we’ll bury along the way.
So let’s gather a fortune,
that we can both dig up one day.

I crawl on all fours,
as the darkness descends.
The only light left,
seems to waver and bend.

My hands are on fire,
and so is the floor.
I can see the orange glow,
as it burns at the core.

There is no rhyme or reason,
no discernable flow.
I start to crawl faster,
but I don’t know where to go.

My eyes start to throb,
as my head starts to pound.
Something runs from my mouth,
and drips to the ground.

The copperish taste,
tells me it’s my blood,
and I fall on my side,
with a sickening thud.

I stare into darkness,
and wait for the end,
but down here in the pits,
it’s how each day begins.

They take your memories,
in the beginning at least.
So that each day is as scary,
as the first brutal feast.

Ripping and tearing,
they eat you alive.
Till there’s nothing but bone,
and you wish you could die.

Then it starts over,
and you're crawling again.
Trying to get away,
as the darkness descends.

They gave back my memory,
so I’ll remember the pain.
So I’ll remember the sounds,
that drive me insane.

My side starts to blister,
but the worst has not begun.
I can see all their shadows,
as the beasts start to come.

Ripping and shredding,
my flesh breaks away.
I beg them to stop,
but they do not obey.

An eternity of torture,
is what’s in store for me.
Imagining the teeth,
that I’ll never see.

Internal scars,
infected with guilt.
A world on it's side,
a forty-five degree tilt.

One day I am fine,
and the next not so much.
It's a bipolar horror,
of memories and such.

I swear I just saw you,
but my mind's playing tricks.
It's like burning a candle,
to the end, with no wick.

I could swear I was crazy,
but my mind tells me no.
So we argue out loud,
a new ultimate low.

Please fix me i'm broken,
wait, stop. I'm ok.
It's the **** that I deal with,
on a regular day.

Now this purple gorilla,
is making me mad.
Did I say that out loud?
Ignore that, my bad.

Oh well, just forget it,
let's try to move on.
Oh yeah your not here,
I forgot you were gone.

Snap back to reality,
who's this guy I don't know?
He says he's my therapist,
times up I should go.

Choking and gasping,
and fighting for air.
I'm drowning in sorrow,
but to weak to care.

I fall to my knees,
and I start to dry-heave.
These tears stream my cheeks,
making it hard to see.

I fall on all fours,
and I roll to my side.
This pain is unreal,
tearing apart my insides.

I welcome the pain,
as my life starts to fade.
A life not worth saving,
to many mistakes have been made.

A debt now collected,
there is no blinding light.
It's becoming so hot,
and there's fire in sight.

I don't think I deserve this,
but then again who would?
A life full of regrets,
doing what I thought I should.

The pain it cuts through me,
but I find I can stand,
and a tall hooded figure,
takes me by the hand.

I look over my shoulder,
and see myself on the ground.
These tears burn my face,
but I don't make a sound.

He leads me away,
through the fire and flames.
The fire doesn't burn me,
but it hurts all the same.

I think back to that day,
and the deal that I made.
One day seemed so short,
for the price to be paid.

But then I think back,
to your beautiful smile.
Your pretty blue eyes,
and it all seems worthwhile.

You were mine once again,
if only for a day,
and it was worth every second,
no matter what price I pay.

So I’ll burn for eternity,
for this ultimate sin,
and if given the choice,
I would do it again...

I sidestep the smoke,
and I walk to the edge.
I take in the sight,
from this small little ledge.

My thoughts are now racing,
and reaching for reason,
but with too many to count,
my heartbeats increasing.

This last years been so hard,
and I just can't go on.
I've lost faith in all things,
now that your gone.

Tell my mom that I love her,
and tell dad not to cry.
Tell Jen to be strong,
and tell Lili goodbye.

Tell Greg that I’m proud,
of all that he's done,
and tell him I’m sorry,
but this had to be done.

I take one last breath,
as these tears stream my cheeks,
and I curse at myself,
for being selfish and weak.

I take my last step,
and as I fall to my death.
I wake up in bed,
catching my breath.

She sits all alone,
on a small wooden chair.
Lost and confused,
wishing someone would care.

So many homes,
in just the last year.
Her little heart breaks,
as her eyes fill with tears.

All that she wants,
is a place to call home.
With someone to love her,
and parents of her own.

She doesn't mean to act up,
but she just gets so scared.
By the looks and the stares,
from the children she's paired.

She doesn't have any friends,
and she's to young for school.
Just a scared little girl,
on a small wooden stool...

Lost and confused,
I walk all alone.
This dark empty place,
chills me to the bone.

It's to dark to see,
but I really don't care.
I can feel them around me,
as they sit and they stare.

The only sounds are my footsteps,
echoing off of the walls.
And my slow steady breathing,
which isn't helping at all.

My eyes are adjusting,
and I stand in disbelief.
I can see she's been busy,
robbing souls as a thief.

The puppets fill shelves,
and they clutter the walls.
With no dreams or passions,
and no lives at all.

I find what I came for,
on a shelf at the top.
Two small wooden figures,
I move towards them and stop.

I can feel her eyes,
burning holes in my back.
And I can't help but smile,
at the feelings I lack.

“You're not supposed to be here,
and I want you to leave”.
But I ignore all her words,
all her lies and deceits.

I grab the small puppets,
and slowly turn around.
She stands there and watches,
not making a sound.

You ruined my life,
and the life of my friend.
We do not belong here,
among fools with no end.

Her smile grows cold,
and her jaw starts to clinch.
Her eyes become fire,
as I move toward the bench.

I turn my back to her,
as the fumes burn my eyes.
And as she realizes what's happening,
she's starting to cry.

I turn back once more,
as the room starts to fade.
whispering "hell won't be big enough,
for the army you've made."

I stop at the door,
and light a small match.
I toss it behind me,
into the gasoline patch.

Sunlight hits my face,
and I still hear her screams.
Then I wake up in bed,
it was all just a dream.

I try to catch my breath,
as I roll to my side.
And I sit there and stare,
at two wooden eyes.

One looks just like you,
and the other like me.
My heart hits my stomach,
how could this be?

I turn on a light,
and I laugh as I stand.
Because they’re  both smiling,
and they're both holding hands...

My eyes are glass,
my chest is so cold.
My body is wood,
I just do as I'm told.

I used to be real,
with a heart and a soul.
I used to have friends,
now I do as i'm told.

My body won't move,
unless strings are pulled.
I can no longer speak,
I just do as I'm told.

My head is now empty,
it's harder to think.
I did have a name,
now I do as I'm told.

There are others like me,
on the shelves growing mold.
I see them around me,
and they do what they're told.

My master is coming,
and I hope she picks me.
But I hear her say no,
so I do as I'm told.

What happened to life,
all my dreams and my goals?
I no longer remember,
I just do as I'm told..

They say time can heal,
even the most grievous wounds.
But I find that misleading,
metaphorical *******, don’t you?

Because the implication of this,
at least when it’s been spoken to me,
is that you just need to wait,
and then one day you’re pain free.

The implication’s much scarier,
when you contemplate,
because time’s stealing your memories,
and erasing the slate.

Time doesn’t heal all,
because some wounds are to deep.
Some are filled up with poison,
that continuously seep.

The in-between,
when you’re cut and then well.
Can be absolutely,
unbearable hell.

What if there’s no closure,
and the wound opens again?
How does time heal that?
Tell me that, my friend.

So, please forgive me,
but I’ll keep my memories.
They may fester, or scar,
they may cause insanity.

Because the simple truth is,
that memories are all that there is,
and I’d rather go insane,
than forget one I’d miss.

So ya, I’m ok,
but not really, ya know.
Because the poison runs deep,
and my wounds fester slow.

I woke up today,
and forgot you weren't there.
I ran my hand over your pillow,
and then laid there and stared.

I finally sat up,
and wiped away tears.
Listening to the silence,
of two lonely years.

No children laughing,
or the running of feet.
No "daddy you're up",
no "good morning my sweet".

The only sound is the avalanche,
happening in my head,
of memories so clear,
and of things that you said.

"I never loved you",
is still by far the worst,
and I hear it every morning,
before my head fills to burst.

"Time will heal all",
I shakily say,
and clutch at my sanity,
and prepare for the day.

"I only stayed because I was pregnant",
as I put on my shoes.
As I reach for my keys,
"I didn't want to be a single mom of two".

I put my keys down,
and sit down in my chair.
Listening to the voices,
and whispering, "it just isn't fair".

"I never loved you",
hits me again like a glove.
Seven long years,
you couldn't find one thing to love?

I walk to the cabinet,
and pour me a drink.
I have to have something,
that will help me not think.

My chest is on fire,
but the voices fade away.
I whisper "time will heal all",
but nothing's healing today.

Perhaps tomorrow,
I'll remember you're gone.
And the voices will be silent,
and I can move on.

I told you I loved you,
every day.
I tried my best to show you,
In every way.

In the beginning,
we could do no wrong.
Was it rose-tinted glasses,
that we wore all along?

I don't think it was,
at least for me.
You were so **** perfect,
as perfect as could be.

We were there for each other,
at every turn.
Through the triumphs, and defeats,
we were willing to learn.

So what happened to us?
Where did it go wrong?
I refuse to believe,
that you faked it so long.

Because there was laughter,
and sweet kisses between.
You'd want me to hold you,
when you wanted to scream.

When did you decide,
to shy away from my touch?
When did you stop smiling,
and laughing and such?

When did we stop,
saying sorry for things?
When was the first time,
that you took off your ring?

When did you first look,
and loathe me for me?
When did you and I,
unbecome We?

I felt the shift,
the coldness that came,
but you wouldn't talk to me,
so I started to blame.

Seven years was a lifetime,
gone in a flash.
Now there's so many questions,
that never got asked.

I made my mistakes,
dear Lord, so much.
I was stubborn and moody,
and sometimes out of touch.

My biggest mistake,
was thinking love was enough.
That if we loved each other,
we could get through so much.

So my final question,
to you would be.
When did you decide,
to stop loving me?