My life is filled with endless apologies

Sincere and heartfelt promises that are shallow and empty

It's not a conscious thought
The words aren't spoken with known deceit or intentional mal-intent
But somewhere in my brain, buried in my subconscious, I know...
A self-sabotaging automated programming constantly running
And regardless of my cognitive actions or conscious thoughts, desires and intentions
My automated programming will find a way to inevitably run its code, follow its routines and execute its prime directive

And that's not a cop out
They're still my actions
Conscious or subconscious
Actions resulting from subconscious "thought" are those I'm too ignorant to see or too weak to change in that moment

I don't know what's worse
The subconscious lies and heaps of horse fertilizer, day in and day out, I shove down the throats of those who cross my path
Or the incessant feed of regurgitated words, phrases, thoughts, ideas and worst of all.... hopes.... that is being forced through my digestive track only to be excreted by my body and re-absorbed by my central nervous system

Hope

The worst trick of all

And it always works. Without fail
Why?
Because it psychologically and emotionally preys on everything I want to be
The Hope that THIS TIME I'll get it right
THIS TIME I won't FAIL
All those things inside of me
All of my
......
Potential
.......
This time it won't be wasted
This time I'll come through. You can count on me!
I promise!
This time I'll be on time
This time I won't be late!
This time I'll meet expectations
This time I'll EXCEED expectations!
This time I won't let people down
This time I won't....
                                 .....
                                    ..... let
                                               ME

                                                      .­....down

Hope

The saddest and ultimate cruelty of lies
Created by the Devil to prey on the weak and gullible
If Hell is living your worst day over and over again for eternity;
Then repeating the same detrimental behaviors over and over again for life, sustained in this perpetual motion by something so simple and harmless looking as "Hope" must fall at the Devil's hands

A wolf in sheep's clothing sprinkled in fairy dust
The worst of thoughts and beliefs are kept alive by Hope
Hope is a disease; a psychological virus
A damaged idea spreading from person to person, hijacking their system, and infecting their thoughts
For Hope is not a singular idea, isolated in seclusion, yet ultimately wrapped up and packaged out with other ideas
No, Hope is the vehicle that all thoughts that follow must ride in and by which be delivered
It is the Uber for ideas that follow
And like an unscrupulous and unpitying Uber driver,
Hope takes your brain to a secluded spot against its will and does as it so pleases
But unlike survivors of such horrific events
I, like a wide eyed doe in the headlights
I continuously expose myself to the exact same scenarios
over
and
over again

But not to worry

Eventually,
Hope will lose its magic
And the void created will be filled

By,

Regret,
Resentment,
Animosity,
Self-doubt,
Self-loathing,

And worst of all,

Denial

Denial is Hope's evil twin

The not so secret malicious trickster who, even though wears his emotions somewhat more clearly, is still capable of a lifetime of successful pranks

But unlike Hope, Denial doesn't always reveal his trick if the tricked has yet to become aware of the ruse
Instead, Denial will let them build
Stack upon stack
A colossal suspension bridge built and supported on Denial
And when I, with blind faith, cross that bridge
Putting everything and anything on the line, without question
That's when Denial delivers its reckoning
And in one all encompassing swoop it swallows me whole and any resemblance of "life" with it

Hope and Denial
My Atlantic and Pacific Oceans
and Me, a tiny island
Flanked on either side by the endless majesty of each
And like this planet,
I too,
Am a sphere spinning
A tiny island against the enormities of the the deep blue
A shipwrecked survivor
Floating on the driftwood of my subconscious
Left to the will of my environment
A helpless passenger on this ship of life
Constantly spinning between Hope and Denial
Some days calm and serene
Others, tormented by storms
Monster waves,
Flashes of lightning,
Ear shattering crackling explosions of thunder
And howling winds so fierce they must be the breath of God

And regardless of what scenario lays before me,
I'm left repeatedly with the same "choice" and same action

Enveloped with fear,
Hanging on for dear life,
Like a helpless and horrified child.....

On the verge of soiling my pants

Pitter patter pitter patter
Of each drip drip drop
As it ricochets off my window panes
Or glances by my door

The gurgling and chugging
Ushered from my rooftop
Moving with a purposeful haste
As if a finish line it seeks out
To which it will be graded with a score

Their lanes help subdivide them
Into a mini-highway system
Flowing and gushing through
As the droplets begin to pour
This marvelous eco system
Running with high efficiency
A pedestrian in their Water World
Sauntering, I take my tour

These waterways and fountains
Are the perfect camouflage
With their help I shield my pain
To the world outside my door

With so many falling drops
Hiding from others all my tears
And no need to hold them back
My life has happiness no more
Dewy drops from sky above
And moisture pods from eyelets too
An endless storm of paindrops fall
Forever lost what was before

Without effort, cast your chill
These scattered thoughts - I am confused
A lightning bolt I caught for you
But you had seen it all before

Nothing fancy; nothing new
Like fresh cut grass with morning dew
And so my Paindrops fell for you
But you don't want me anymore

Will you be sad when he leaves
Or it doesn't work out
When you scream and shout
Until you fall ill inside
With no where to hide
How inside you were hiding your ill will,
Your true feelings,
Of how you weren't being true and felt nothing?

Nothing no more
Now it's gone and done
And can't be undone by any undoing
Even though you did nothing
While you so desperately wanted nothing to do?

Toodaloo to you too
Miss thing in a tutu
Dancing around
Go *****
Because we've done this before
Two, three, or maybe four before this

So, before this becomes that
And you turn and look back
I'm not having that again
It goes against all I believe
I think it best you be leaving
Have a good evening
Don't even stop to speak

I need that speaker hissing to stop
It's stopping me from living
My liver can't handle
The quivering flame of a candle
As you pull that arrow from your quiver
Through the tin can of my heart
Losing grip on the handle
On handlebars I ride but I can't do myself
My selfish needs are not selfish
They're needed for survival

Seen too many revival
Can't revive this scene
This film reel is not clean
And so alas, we must say adieu
I know it's true; I do
And so do you

On a moonlit night I ask you to dance
Here take my hand just take a chance
Don’t be shy; Don’t be scared
There is nothing for you to fear
I’ll wrap you in a wild romance
All I ask for is one chance
I’ll guide & lead and show the way
Just follow me; it’s okay
I’m a partner like no other
In no time I’ll be your lover

Dance with me and you’ll forget the rest
Simply put I am the best
Quickly I will take you over
Your defenses you will lower
You’ll say your vows; You’ll say “I do”
Trust me this much will be true
But when the honeymoon does end
That’s when all of it begins
I’ll show you the true side of me
A side before you did not see

I am possessive
I am controlling
It comes on quick
There is no warning
Lose your friends
Lose your family
The power I wield
is uncanny

The music’s changed
The lights have dimmed
A dance of virtue
is now of sin
You try to leave
but I won’t let you go
Your soul is lost
Time’s pace is slow

An empty shell
you will become
No more happy
No more fun
A slave to me
is all you are
I cut your flesh
I leave a scar

A quiet scream
inside you make
And when there’s nothing
left to take
I still take more
I take it all
Because of course
if you recall

You married me
You did your part
You said your vows
Till death we part
Now it’s time
to cash that in
Here you lose
No one wins

All because you took a chance
On a moonlit night when I asked you to dance

Always walking that line
Always tempting fate
All these temptations calling me
I attempt to numb pain

Got the temperature rising
Know I can be temperamental
My temper’s ‘bout to unleash
Doing something regretful

A temporary escape
From two to ten on the dial
The temper-tantrum and screams
Like a tempestuous child

Perhaps a temporal shift
Like Anty Em’ on the farm
The tempest carries away
Ship wrecked alone I am gone

My template shows me the way
Temptress I can not escape
Contemptuously I have temperance
Finding tempo ‘til break

A temple shrine I pay tribute
Silently contemplate
Lord please grant me forgiveness
For my wrongs and mistakes

I know you’ve heard these words before
I've said them many times before
I wish that I could use them more
To make things better like before

There was a time these words had meaning
Sheathed in heartfelt cries and feelings
But a shaman who can't heal
Is just a man and nothing more

Like worn-out, old and ***** pennies
Now diluted by the many
There's so many, many pennies
Don't care there's one on my floor

My cries of “wolf” no longer heeded
When these words are truly needed
To the darkness they've receded
Blindly searching for that door

In my chest still beats a heart
While pained regret tears it apart
Can't fix or go back to the start
And you don’t want me anymore

My anger and my finger pointing
Foolishly like I'm anointed
Not the one you are annoyed with
You were wrong; I was so sure

Attentively I listened to you
In-and-out my ears your words flew
Silenced; Gave no value to you
Truth revealed strikes at my core

Awakening I newly have
With gained awareness of how bad
I took for granted what I had
A rolling tide erodes the shore

Alone I sit and think of when
We were not lovers just good friends
Fun times together that we’d spend
And from that my heart starts to soar

Reality then brings me back
Jolts like a sudden heart attack
A deep sharp pain gives me a whack
I scream until my lungs are sore

Can't fix the memories or replace
My nightmares wake me; Teary-faced
Past filled with guilt, shame and disgrace
Start questioning what life is for