my mother is like the queen
she is the queen of everything
but in the sense that all that matters is reputation and
i am merely a means to an end.

i am the pawn on the chessboard
and she likes to play with her pawns carved out hollow,
brittle shells on the edge of breaking.
she likes the power of holding a fragile heart in her hands
to nurture and then destroy as she sees fit
for her own entertainment.

is it still my fault i turned out the way i am?

i have to find a way
to stay numb
keep myself distracted
build a dam
stop the emotions from flooding in
for i am afraid of the havoc it will wreak

i'm having trouble
finding my purpose
in life

like the blood that seeps
through the holes n gaps in my skin
i patch it up
with paper and tape
but what lays underneath
calls every blade to my skin
i try again
to keep it away
but it causes a hunger that's impossible to satisfy
in any other way

but maybe that's a story for another day.

i am so sad
and i have no ways to express myself
it feels like ive lost my words
ive lost my poetry
and ive got nothing else
its like im drowning

so i looked at you
and then i said hi
the voice that replied with 'hey'
froze me
and i turned around
and i saw you
i saw the wide smile
i saw the recognition
i saw the embers left within me
they sparked to life
they gave me confidence
to say what i needed
to let your spirit
embrace my soul
oh, how amazing it was
to see you again
how amazing you are
for being able to make such
a change in the world
and i know that you are
leaving soon
and it hurts my heart to know
and i wish you could know
that you will be missed
by everyone and by me
i wish you could know
how much of a change you make
how you make the world so much better
how your light touched a
dark and damp soul
and sparked a light
deep inside
how you inspired, spread joy,
love, willpower,
it takes one man to run a lighthouse
for another man to see its light
and find home
one person can save many lives
one person can bring many home
i wish you'd see how
special you are to me
how that smile reached pass the cobwebs of my heart and
deep into my soul to light a
torch to chase away the shadows
see how that torch still burns and
has me writing poems dedicated to you.

i thought you left
i had thought of you gone
thought that flickering flame
was dead
i was wrong
and for once
i hope i am wrong again
that very same wrong
again, and
again, and
again, i
hope i am always wrong about you leaving me behind
and letting that
light
die out

my heart twists
in misery and
agony and
these raw feelings
but today i realized
that the light is
still lit
flickering only a
long hallway away
yet 'tis still lit
it still survives
it's still HERE
the light did not
forsake me
not just yet
and it is that knowledge
that light
that is keeping this
dismal tide
at bay

i have no one to talk to
how lovely
the narcissist tears me to pieces

so you
tell me off
&
force me
not to eat
while you munch on your snacks
in front of my face
wow.

i feel sick
to my stomach
and the tears
won't stop flowing
im sobbing......
                            ...sobbing
                                              sobbing
                                       and
                              now
                   i feel
            so
empty

maybe this new poem
is just not
supposed to be
published.


i've tried t h r e e times now

I AM SICK
OF LOSING POEMS
TO
502 BAD GATEWAY

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you sniff lines,
i write lines

haha
**** yov.
you know it triggers me
and im not doing so well right now




so tempted to go
on one ice coffee a day right now

dontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothat­dontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothat

but­ i wanna.

do you ever have
two poems
running through your mind
at once
and you can't decide which one to write down
and you cant write them both because they're happening
AT THE SAME TIME
and by the time you write one you'll forget the other
but the time taken to try and decide
makes you forget both

tingles
brain
hurt
kys

it hurts to see you like this
but i will be patient for you.

you said
my poetry
is rough?
hahaha
yeah that's
because
my thought's
tear apart
the
thought maker

is my existence
abnormal ?
there are days when
i break because
i am made to
hate myself
it isn't right
the pain is too great
this pain is strength
but this strength
is pain
i just want to be
okay .

am i really
who i think i am ?
am i really
who i've been told i am?
am i really
who i've been made to be?
am i bound to who
they perceive me as?
or can i be expressed
in a different form ?
i want to be alive, but i feel
trapped in who i am
it doesn't sit right with me
but who i think i am
doesn't sit right with them
i am human .
i am she .
i am they .
i am who i am .
but i am not bound to
how i am traditionally
perceived .

my mind
has parasites
they control
the way i
think, and
tell me to
do things i
don't want
to do .
it's like
two warring parts
of an intimate
*****, the
one that resides
in my skull
two forces of
opposite sides
pushing
against good
and evil .
and i am the
host
once full of life
now quite lifeless
as they take
me over
a shell .
i cannot think
my own thoughts
i cannot breathe my own air
if i fight with
them
they'll just
**** me
instead .

they say
it is
only a day
a day
until we meet
the enemy

are you
going to
apologise
for yelling at me
for  no given reason
or
am i just
to suppress the
tears and
are we to
act as if nothing happened?
am i supposed to be
okay?

well
you see
now this time
i had to leave
i had to leave the
memories ive made
behind
as one
by one
i couldn't trust
anybody
as everybody
turned their back
on me,
or tugged me down
down
down
into a trap
i was trapped
now i'm free
heartbroken
but
free.

you're leaving me here
to make memories
that I will be forced to
look back on
in sadness
when you all
leave me again
one
by
one.

what a
fickle thing
feelings
i wish i
could turn them
all off

it's our laughter that
bound us;
the moment of camaraderie
new friendship being born
unsure whether this'll be thorn
or storm
and i sat there, torn
unsure where to go from here
a welcoming clasp
palm on palm, fingers
coiled around one another
a peace treaty, a clap of agreement
a silent pact between us
" i gotchu"
a " thank you"
a smile here
a couple more there
am offer for selfless help
and pride in me
pride in you
teamwork.
teamwork,
that forged out friendship
and i thank you
for all your help
all of it.

do you believe in it?
- what?
- love at first sight.
- it depends laugh what do you mean by 'love'?
- i... i don't know. i feel like it has multiple different meanings in my mind. but i guess... love at first sight... similar to a crush but a bit different, yet that little bit counts for miles. love at first sight is when your heart warms to a person upon laying his eyes on them. the feeling like another piece of your life fell into place. it's joyyy, so much joy all at once, for no reason, but also a little sadness, because you know people don't believe in love at first sight, and that most likely you'll never get a chance. it's constantly thinking about the person, swooning over, but also loving their personality. the jokes, the laughs, the helpfulness, the understanding. the friendship, the sense of belonging. it's smiling randomly. it's having conversations in your mind that you know you'll never be able to have in real life. it's wondering when you'll see them again, grief every day that you don't. longing for what will never be. pain upon uncertainty. it's trust that you shouldn't have , risk you shouldn't take. it's all pretty chaotic, but it's all there in a massive whirl in my head, and i can't sleep. so, what is this? how can all this emotion be nothing?
- no emotion is 'nothing'. but what you described does sound a bit suspiciously crush-like. what's the fine line that separates intrigue, attraction and love?
- it's safety. the feeling of safety, feeling of being home when you're far from your house, it's the feeling of calm and content when you know that you'll see them again. it's- i don't know, man. but this HAS to be more than a mere crush laced with intrigue and boredom. it can't be something that'll disappear as fast as it came about. not all of this.
- yeah, maybe. i'm seriously as lost on this one as you are.
- uuurrghh, why are people so hard? and why are there always so. many. obstacles?!
- who knows? but you're right. nothing comes easy.
- 'easy'?! sometimes the one thing you need most never comes at all!
- now, now-
- i read a quote from a book the other day; "i could not understand why i wasn't allowed to have this without everything else falling apart. was this the only way the universe could find a balance? by taking so much away in order to grant me one pleasure?" and, like, i read that and thought, ****, well, ain't that relatable
- wow. that's pretty deep.
- deep is one way to put it, anyway, i don't know what to do, what to think, how to go about. what now?
- i guess we'll just have to wait and see. *shrug

just trying to deal with some things
sitting here at 3am
hunched by the sink
lost in my thoughts
tossing, turning all night long
my head, my heart, it's all a mess
something's wrong...
my body is aching
my heart is drowning
my stomach is churning
head spinning
an emotional fever
spreading like wildfire
longhand, short
so indecisive
spelling abhorrent
i am a mess
i need the moon
but it has been cloudy
lately
not an ounce of moonlight
seeping through...
i miss the silver shine
i need a dose, soon
i can't breathe...
i should sleep.

i can't
fuvking
breathe
because of you
you saved my life
and now you'll be the reason
i end it

it's been
nine days
since it all came crashing down
nine whole days
and then some more
nine days ago i lost a friend
i lost my appetite
i lost my motivation
i lost hope
i lost my will to live
i lost my happiness
i lost my love
i lost my dreams
and i lost myself.

it's at 3am
i cry
i cry for help
i cry for love
i cry for lost hope
i cry for crushed dreams
at 3am
i cry in pain
i cry with jealousy
i cry silently
cry to be seen
at 3am i cry
i cry with my memories
i cry with my pen
i cry as the world around me
sleeps.
at 3am
i weep to the moon
i weep for the lost souls
the people i misplaced
i weep with the man on the moon
and when the clouds obscure
i weep on my own
3am, sleepless nights
with aches as deep as my bones
tears behind my face and
sobs behind my throat
at 3am
i run out of words to use
i miss my muse
i run out of things to say, that
describe my brain, i-
all i can say, is...
at 3am, i cry

what is love?
is it small
or is it big?
is it red
or is it yellow?
is it daily life
or the dying stars
at night?
is it pure joy
is it a hallucination?
something our minds form
something that doesn't
exist?
is it something we
have to pay for?
something so ****
overrated
that when it comes along
everyone is disappointed
isn't it just
a heartbreak when
you least expect it?
is it actually pain?
love is overrated
love is underrated
depends on how
your life's been going
it gives you
life and death
take your pick
which is worse?
Copyright. Elissar Mustapha
12.11.2018

loving someone
is only giving them a door
giving them a door
a lock
a key
and a wrecking ball
they can choose to
destroy you
save you
protect you
they can do whatever they please
and in the end they leave
whether by
betrayal
forsaking
or death
they leave
and take a piece with them.

the fact that
man
man created weapons
with the capability to **** man
and the intention
to **** man
is truly shocking
is we existed
without weaponry
so many brutal wars
could have been avoided
and many deaths
could have been
postponed
brutality and cruelty
would not
cease to exist
but
it would
exist less

"ouch."
                   --- from the perspective of a girl.

i dare you
go on
tell me not to eat that
tell me i can't wear that
tell me i look fat
tell me i can't run
i can't party
tell me i can't move,
tell me i can't accomplish
tell me i should starve
tell me i should do something about this weight
this look
tell me i should run and not eat
no more than one leaf of lettuce a day
tell me i should only drink water
tell me no one will love me
no one will want me
tell me i'm ugly
tell me i'm not worth it
tell me my flabs are just a waste of space, and
that i take up too much oxygen when i breathe, because

i'm fat.
i'm fat.
i'm fat.
I'M FAT
my head screams as i look into the mirror
do you think your friends aren't embarrassed to be seen with you?
honey, do you think you're pretty?
oH, do you think you can afford to go out
grab some dinner with your 'friends'?
can you afford that weight?
are you even pretty enough?
oH, do you think
really really think
you deserve to be happy today?
ha ha
that's funny
b'tch
look at your belly and go back to bed
go cry
worthless
worthless
worthless
you'll never be great
well, size is the exception.
you're a waste of space
stop
breathing.
honey, i don't think they make coffins your size..
it's okay,
you can feed the fish
:)
(C) Elissar Mustapha
27.03.2020

what do you see in her?
how do you love her and trust her
when she tells you to your face ''i'm wearing a mask"
what do you enjoy about her
what does she have to her besides gossip and complaints
always always always complaining
about sh't she gets herself into
always making it a competition
"no, MY life is harder."
she doesn't shut up
about her problems
we get it
you have issues
and you're tired

think about it sweetie..
if you're sleepy
maybe you should stop pulling all nighter's every night
watching youtube
and then coming up to MY best friend the next day
burdening her with you're complaints
"i'm oh so f'cking tired"
"i didn't get a wink of sleep last night"
why?
"i was on my phone"
oh, the unsurprising
you came in to control our lives
not letting any of us get another word out
before you exhausted time with your stories
do you know how hard it is
keeping my mouth shut
while you're being a blatant b'tch
to me?
                                              here
when the exclusion is up

i felt it
the moment you waltzed into our lives
and played for her pity
the way you began extracting my best friend from my side
i'm so over you
please leave.
i can't stand it anymore.

and to my best friend, sometimes i just want to ask:
"do you love you're new best friend?"

i used to have
some smiles
7 of them in fact
7 pretty little smiles
one for each day of the week
each brighter than the other
we had monday, she was patient and honest
but we had to give her away because
we saw a passer by who
needed to borrow her for a day
and so we gave her away
the stranger replaced her with a frown
but that’s okay because
we still have tuesday with us

tuesday who is kind and innocent
oh, wait
no
we don’t
because along came a friend who
had a broken heart and
tuesday didn’t understand why but
she wanted to sacrifice herself anyway
before she went she said
it’s okay, you’ve still got wednesday and the others

oh, wednesday
the tough softie
he fought for them when needed
he was loyal, he was brave. a soldier
and i guess that’s why when
my best friend lost her brother
wednesday felt like he had to be there for her
so i let her have him because
at least i could see her smile on wednesday
and before he went wednesday smiled at me and
he said
hey, you’ve still got thursday and the others

then thursday and wednesday bid farewell
two supposedly inseparable soulmates
thursday, sweet and gentle to match
wednesday’s toughness
wednesday was his hero
i guess that’s why
when my sister was in pain
thursday wanted to help
just like the others

thursday hugged me goodbye and
wiped away my tears as he reminded me
it was all for a good cause.
he kissed friday goodbye and asked her to be good to me
and friday promised she would
but she left too
she left while we were asleep
she picked up and went
we don’t know where but
she was always the loud and reckless one
we miss her though
and i think the loss of the others finally
made her
snap.
i don’t blame any of them.
it’s for a good cause.

that morning we woke up
saturday, sunday and i
all staring at one another
i took them in,
the polar opposite twins
saturday with her cheerfulness and wildness, her free spirit
and sunday with his sturdy consciousness and his good morals.
they looked at each other and looked back at me
and what they said broke me
completely
“we’re moving out. we’ve got a promotion and a house. we’ll still visit from time to time, but... we got a job where we can help the others .. it’s for a good cause”
and i feel my shoulders slump as pain ebbs through me
and i say
“okay, i understand”
and we say goodbye

see, i once had 7 pretty little smiles
one for each day of the week
but one by one they left me
they went on to do something great
and here i am now
with my straight mouth and dull eyes
please don’t ask me for a smile
because i don’t have any left within me
©️Elissar Mustapha
15.01.2020