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onyx Sep 20
oh love
i don't think you understand
i adore you regardless
Sep 8 · 613
oh.
onyx Sep 8
oh.
of course i'm happy for you
i'm just unhappy for me
you deserve this, but i don't
Aug 26 · 455
wishes
onyx Aug 26
i wish you would share a piece of your soul with me
and i wish you would let me share a piece of my soul with you

i wish you knew that ive never wanted to give my soul to anyone
but i want you to know my soul better than everyone
Aug 25 · 53
strength
onyx Aug 25
i was so close to ending it all
to giving up
but how can i give up
when you're still going so strong
and after everything youve been through
i can see that you're going so strong
how can i leave when you're still here
i'm so proud of you
Aug 21 · 1.8k
my soul aches for yours
onyx Aug 21
the song that reminds you of me
and the song that reminds me of you
side by side
like we will never be
i wish you knew how much you mean to me, but maybe that will scare you away
onyx Aug 19
i know these memories with you are the ones i will cherish
for once i have a memory so tangible
that when i look back to smile at it
all the emotions return too
i not only smile at the memory but i relive the entire moment
i will never not be thankful that you entered my life
through the pains and the joys
and the heavens know its been the slowest journey
our friendship
but what a journey it's been

every day, a new memory, a whirlwind of emotion
looking back like flashing images
the day we dashed across the busy road
our legs shaking from laughter
the day you held my hands and put your head to mine and i truly
in that moment i truly understood literature
and what it is meant when people say they feel like
the world has stopped and they are the only one's in it
for that is what happened
and when i see your face it certainly brightens up the room
when you goof around and play your silly games with me
it warms my heart
when we have our inside jokes and we're leaning against
one another trying to hold in our giggles
so that others are not alarmed
when you choose to sit next to me in a room of people and
when you confide things in me

i still don't understand all these feelings coursing through me
but i do understand one thing
you have taken a total eclipse of my heart
i am content with our friendship
and i hope i never lose you
in the short years i have known you i have felt more alive than i have my entire life, and i do not know what to make of that
Aug 19 · 61
lockdown
onyx Aug 19
the freedom i felt that day
in a town that was not my home
sitting in a cafe with a girl i had just met
telling each other secrets
i had told no one and she had told everyone

my heart was as liquid as can be
flowing through the gaps of it's cage,
i was free, free, free.

she talked of home and i listened
she listened and i talked of them
and i ate a salad and she ate a soup
and we walked around this little town
sketching all the building and talking
to each other to the locals
and then we bid farewell

i rode the train back to the suburbs
my heart cowered back into its cell
i was trapped once more
for i tasted freedom but i was not yet free
Aug 19 · 391
Untitled
onyx Aug 19
you tell me not to care about what anyone thinks
little do you know i cared the most about what you think

and you threw that away,
you spat in my face
Aug 17 · 141
c
onyx Aug 17
c
all my life i have been bound by the letter c
how fitting since it seems
to be shaped like manacles
ready to clasp around my wrists
around every corner
every turn i took i found her unchallenged in her rivalry  
she chose to haunt me
down to the colour of my eyes
i could not escape her
she was always there, a shadow in the corner
for have you considered
she cowered in every single line
of this poem, reflected within every word
the letter c has always been there
Aug 17 · 435
the salt of my lips
onyx Aug 17
i smile upon fond memories
but fond memories are all ive got
for youve stolen the key to the doorway
and now alone i rot

i smile upon fond memories
tears dripping off of my chin
onyx Aug 17
i struggle to find my calling
i do not know what it is i am meant to do
yet i have forced myself into spaces where i do not fit
and i pray i that nobody notices
and i pray that i do not break

but call me agnostic because i hear no one answer my prayers
Aug 16 · 481
alone
onyx Aug 16
i scroll through the contacts on my phone
and realise there is no one i can call
nobody i can text
people ive had for 7 years
maybe more
their care for me has gone void
and i can sense it
can't you see?
it's all superficial  
every conversation
every look
it is all superficial
and i can blame anyone and anything for it
but none of that will change the truth and none of it
will gift me a new outcome

so now i sit alone
in a void room and i wonder
who will notice
who will care
when i am all but gone

for they will notice when i take my last breath
but nobody notices the moments before
not from afar
it hurts to look around and realise youve lost everyone you still love
Aug 15 · 238
atpaftmoombilyatinf
onyx Aug 15
all the people are fake
they're made out of metal
but i like you
and that is not fake
e.r young royals <3
onyx Jul 25
my mother is like the queen
she is the queen of everything
but in the sense that all that matters is reputation and
i am merely a means to an end.

i am the pawn on the chessboard
and she likes to play with her pawns carved out hollow,
brittle shells on the edge of breaking.
she likes the power of holding a fragile heart in her hands
to nurture and then destroy as she sees fit
for her own entertainment.

is it still my fault i turned out the way i am?
the ground shook when the crown was placed upon her head, for surely even earth began counting down the time until its destruction.
Jul 7 · 103
disassociate
onyx Jul 7
i have to find a way
to stay numb
keep myself distracted
build a dam
stop the emotions from flooding in
for i am afraid of the havoc it will wreak
Jun 14 · 1.1k
:(
onyx Jun 14
:(
i'm having trouble
finding my purpose
in life
May 4 · 516
bitter ichor
onyx May 4
like the blood that seeps
through the holes n gaps in my skin
i patch it up
with paper and tape
but what lays underneath
calls every blade to my skin
i try again
to keep it away
but it causes a hunger that's impossible to satisfy
in any other way

but maybe that's a story for another day.
Mar 27 · 265
drowning in sadness
onyx Mar 27
i am so sad
and i have no ways to express myself
it feels like ive lost my words
ive lost my poetry
and ive got nothing else
its like im drowning
Jan 25 · 88
i found home in you
onyx Jan 25
so i looked at you
and then i said hi
the voice that replied with 'hey'
froze me
and i turned around
and i saw you
i saw the wide smile
i saw the recognition
i saw the embers left within me
they sparked to life
they gave me confidence
to say what i needed
to let your spirit
embrace my soul
oh, how amazing it was
to see you again
how amazing you are
for being able to make such
a change in the world
and i know that you are
leaving soon
and it hurts my heart to know
and i wish you could know
that you will be missed
by everyone and by me
i wish you could know
how much of a change you make
how you make the world so much better
how your light touched a
dark and damp soul
and sparked a light
deep inside
how you inspired, spread joy,
love, willpower,
it takes one man to run a lighthouse
for another man to see its light
and find home
one person can save many lives
one person can bring many home
i wish you'd see how
special you are to me
how that smile reached pass the cobwebs of my heart and
deep into my soul to light a
torch to chase away the shadows
see how that torch still burns and
has me writing poems dedicated to you.
29.06.2019
Jan 25 · 76
wrong
onyx Jan 25
i thought you left
i had thought of you gone
thought that flickering flame
was dead
i was wrong
and for once
i hope i am wrong again
that very same wrong
again, and
again, and
again, i
hope i am always wrong about you leaving me behind
and letting that
light
die out
29.06.2019
Jan 25 · 344
light
onyx Jan 25
my heart twists
in misery and
agony and
these raw feelings
but today i realized
that the light is
still lit
flickering only a
long hallway away
yet 'tis still lit
it still survives
it's still HERE
the light did not
forsake me
not just yet
and it is that knowledge
that light
that is keeping this
dismal tide
at bay
28.06.2019
Jan 17 · 683
all alone
onyx Jan 17
i have no one to talk to
how lovely
the narcissist tears me to pieces
Dec 2020 · 573
hypocrite
onyx Dec 2020
so you
tell me off
&
force me
not to eat
while you munch on your snacks
in front of my face
wow.
Nov 2020 · 76
sob
onyx Nov 2020
sob
i feel sick
to my stomach
and the tears
won't stop flowing
im sobbing......
                            ...sobbing
                                              sobbing
                                       and
                              now
                   i feel
            so
empty
Nov 2020 · 78
re:502 BAD GATEWAY
onyx Nov 2020
maybe this new poem
is just not
supposed to be
published.


i've tried t h r e e times now
what a shame, it's very good too.
Nov 2020 · 298
502 BAD GATEWAY
onyx Nov 2020
I AM SICK
OF LOSING POEMS
TO
502 BAD GATEWAY

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can this bug please be fixed? every so often i go to publish a great poem and then half of it is lost because of this
Nov 2020 · 85
high on poetry
onyx Nov 2020
you sniff lines,
i write lines
Nov 2020 · 321
ice-coffee
onyx Nov 2020
haha
**** yov.
you know it triggers me
and im not doing so well right now




so tempted to go
on one ice coffee a day right now

dontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothat­dontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothat

but­ i wanna.
Nov 2020 · 219
????????????
onyx Nov 2020
do you ever have
two poems
running through your mind
at once
and you can't decide which one to write down
and you cant write them both because they're happening
AT THE SAME TIME
and by the time you write one you'll forget the other
but the time taken to try and decide
makes you forget both
Nov 2020 · 71
lose weight
onyx Nov 2020
tingles
brain
hurt
kys
Nov 2020 · 310
you're hurtng
onyx Nov 2020
it hurts to see you like this
but i will be patient for you.
Nov 2020 · 605
thghtmaker
onyx Nov 2020
you said
my poetry
is rough?
hahaha
yeah that's
because
my thought's
tear apart
the
thought maker
Oct 2020 · 536
sin
onyx Oct 2020
sin
is my existence
abnormal ?
there are days when
i break because
i am made to
hate myself
it isn't right
the pain is too great
this pain is strength
but this strength
is pain
i just want to be
okay .
29 Oct 2020
Oct 2020 · 678
she / they
onyx Oct 2020
am i really
who i think i am ?
am i really
who i've been told i am?
am i really
who i've been made to be?
am i bound to who
they perceive me as?
or can i be expressed
in a different form ?
i want to be alive, but i feel
trapped in who i am
it doesn't sit right with me
but who i think i am
doesn't sit right with them
i am human .
i am she .
i am they .
i am who i am .
but i am not bound to
how i am traditionally
perceived .
29/10/2020
Oct 2020 · 161
parasite
onyx Oct 2020
my mind
has parasites
they control
the way i
think, and
tell me to
do things i
don't want
to do .
it's like
two warring parts
of an intimate
*****, the
one that resides
in my skull
two forces of
opposite sides
pushing
against good
and evil .
and i am the
host
once full of life
now quite lifeless
as they take
me over
a shell .
i cannot think
my own thoughts
i cannot breathe my own air
if i fight with
them
they'll just
**** me
instead .
this poem is based off of intrusive thoughts.
(C) Elissar Mustapha
31/10/2020
Oct 2020 · 70
Untitled
onyx Oct 2020
they say
it is
only a day
a day
until we meet
the enemy
Oct 2020 · 211
emtnlabse
onyx Oct 2020
are you
going to
apologise
for yelling at me
for  no given reason
or
am i just
to suppress the
tears and
are we to
act as if nothing happened?
am i supposed to be
okay?
(C) Elissar Mustapha
31.10.2020
Aug 2020 · 264
betrayals
onyx Aug 2020
well
you see
now this time
i had to leave
i had to leave the
memories ive made
behind
as one
by one
i couldn't trust
anybody
as everybody
turned their back
on me,
or tugged me down
down
down
into a trap
i was trapped
now i'm free
heartbroken
but
free.
Jul 2020 · 573
MEMORIES
onyx Jul 2020
you're leaving me here
to make memories
that I will be forced to
look back on
in sadness
when you all
leave me again
one
by
one.
Jul 2020 · 279
feelings
onyx Jul 2020
what a
fickle thing
feelings
i wish i
could turn them
all off
Apr 2020 · 1.9k
birth of a frienship
onyx Apr 2020
it's our laughter that
bound us;
the moment of camaraderie
new friendship being born
unsure whether this'll be thorn
or storm
and i sat there, torn
unsure where to go from here
a welcoming clasp
palm on palm, fingers
coiled around one another
a peace treaty, a clap of agreement
a silent pact between us
" i gotchu"
a " thank you"
a smile here
a couple more there
am offer for selfless help
and pride in me
pride in you
teamwork.
teamwork,
that forged out friendship
and i thank you
for all your help
all of it.
(C) Elissar Mustapha, 4 Feb- 5 Feb 2019
Apr 2020 · 282
what is love? - a dialogue
onyx Apr 2020
do you believe in it?
- what?
- love at first sight.
- it depends laugh what do you mean by 'love'?
- i... i don't know. i feel like it has multiple different meanings in my mind. but i guess... love at first sight... similar to a crush but a bit different, yet that little bit counts for miles. love at first sight is when your heart warms to a person upon laying his eyes on them. the feeling like another piece of your life fell into place. it's joyyy, so much joy all at once, for no reason, but also a little sadness, because you know people don't believe in love at first sight, and that most likely you'll never get a chance. it's constantly thinking about the person, swooning over, but also loving their personality. the jokes, the laughs, the helpfulness, the understanding. the friendship, the sense of belonging. it's smiling randomly. it's having conversations in your mind that you know you'll never be able to have in real life. it's wondering when you'll see them again, grief every day that you don't. longing for what will never be. pain upon uncertainty. it's trust that you shouldn't have , risk you shouldn't take. it's all pretty chaotic, but it's all there in a massive whirl in my head, and i can't sleep. so, what is this? how can all this emotion be nothing?
- no emotion is 'nothing'. but what you described does sound a bit suspiciously crush-like. what's the fine line that separates intrigue, attraction and love?
- it's safety. the feeling of safety, feeling of being home when you're far from your house, it's the feeling of calm and content when you know that you'll see them again. it's- i don't know, man. but this HAS to be more than a mere crush laced with intrigue and boredom. it can't be something that'll disappear as fast as it came about. not all of this.
- yeah, maybe. i'm seriously as lost on this one as you are.
- uuurrghh, why are people so hard? and why are there always so. many. obstacles?!
- who knows? but you're right. nothing comes easy.
- 'easy'?! sometimes the one thing you need most never comes at all!
- now, now-
- i read a quote from a book the other day; "i could not understand why i wasn't allowed to have this without everything else falling apart. was this the only way the universe could find a balance? by taking so much away in order to grant me one pleasure?" and, like, i read that and thought, ****, well, ain't that relatable
- wow. that's pretty deep.
- deep is one way to put it, anyway, i don't know what to do, what to think, how to go about. what now?
- i guess we'll just have to wait and see. *shrug
(C) Elissar Mustapha, 15 Feb. 2019
Apr 2020 · 454
notebook entry #291
onyx Apr 2020
just trying to deal with some things
sitting here at 3am
hunched by the sink
lost in my thoughts
tossing, turning all night long
my head, my heart, it's all a mess
something's wrong...
my body is aching
my heart is drowning
my stomach is churning
head spinning
an emotional fever
spreading like wildfire
longhand, short
so indecisive
spelling abhorrent
i am a mess
i need the moon
but it has been cloudy
lately
not an ounce of moonlight
seeping through...
i miss the silver shine
i need a dose, soon
i can't breathe...
i should sleep.
(C) Elissar Mustapha, 25 Jan. 2019
i wrote this in my notebook while i was crying so just for reference, my spelling in the original was horrible, hence the sentence in the poem.
Apr 2020 · 272
murderess
onyx Apr 2020
i can't
fuvking
breathe
because of you
you saved my life
and now you'll be the reason
i end it
Apr 2020 · 1.1k
april fourth
onyx Apr 2020
it's been
nine days
since it all came crashing down
nine whole days
and then some more
nine days ago i lost a friend
i lost my appetite
i lost my motivation
i lost hope
i lost my will to live
i lost my happiness
i lost my love
i lost my dreams
and i lost myself.
(C) Elissar Mustapha
12 Apr. 2020
Apr 2020 · 1.4k
@3am
onyx Apr 2020
it's at 3am
i cry
i cry for help
i cry for love
i cry for lost hope
i cry for crushed dreams
at 3am
i cry in pain
i cry with jealousy
i cry silently
cry to be seen
at 3am i cry
i cry with my memories
i cry with my pen
i cry as the world around me
sleeps.
at 3am
i weep to the moon
i weep for the lost souls
the people i misplaced
i weep with the man on the moon
and when the clouds obscure
i weep on my own
3am, sleepless nights
with aches as deep as my bones
tears behind my face and
sobs behind my throat
at 3am
i run out of words to use
i miss my muse
i run out of things to say, that
describe my brain, i-
all i can say, is...
at 3am, i cry
(C) Elissar Mustapha, 08.01.2019
Apr 2020 · 66
Untitled
onyx Apr 2020
we're
more
suicidal
than
ever
now
Apr 2020 · 300
lost & broken
onyx Apr 2020
they say
sad could be a drug
but that's a lie
it's happiness people try to find
to try and get high
trying to find bliss
amidst the grey
drinking in hits
stems twist and sway
the dark, cold morning of May
where i
that's when i didn't want to
stay alive
not anymore, no
there, began the end of my show
shoes slapping the ground.
head low
sky was clouded, so i couldn't look up
for fear i'd get a raindrop in my eye
for fear the crow would see me cry
for fear i would be exposed to a foe
so head down, breath held, i go

yeah,
life has a knack of
ripping away all you've got
tearing you apart
thread by thread
seam to seam
this is far more than a crushed dream
this is heartbreak
this is loss
this is the will to live, gone
the loss of a home
Copyright. Elissar Mustapha
15.12.2018
Apr 2020 · 652
love
onyx Apr 2020
what is love?
is it small
or is it big?
is it red
or is it yellow?
is it daily life
or the dying stars
at night?
is it pure joy
is it a hallucination?
something our minds form
something that doesn't
exist?
is it something we
have to pay for?
something so ****
overrated
that when it comes along
everyone is disappointed
isn't it just
a heartbreak when
you least expect it?
is it actually pain?
love is overrated
love is underrated
depends on how
your life's been going
it gives you
life and death
take your pick
which is worse?
Copyright. Elissar Mustapha
12.11.2018
"is it just a heartbreak when you least expect it" is probably, til this day, my favourite line i have ever come up with.
onyx Apr 2020
loving someone
is only giving them a door
giving them a door
a lock
a key
and a wrecking ball
they can choose to
destroy you
save you
protect you
they can do whatever they please
and in the end they leave
whether by
betrayal
forsaking
or death
they leave
and take a piece with them.
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