you’re maple syrup in my pocket
the aftermath of a sweet meal i knew
i shouldn’t have had
now you’re stuck all over my clothes
saccharine mistakes dribbling down my fingers
you’re maple syrup in my pocket
and everytime i try to wipe you away
you find another way to get in
and now my tears are sticky and sweet
oozing down my chin
dripping onto the linoleum floors
maple syrup on my shoes
i can’t escape you
a sticky footprint beneath me wherever i walk

day by day you consume me
piece by piece i am more
maple syrup than i am myself
who i was before i met you
before i devoured the sweet meal
i knew i should not have touched
however
i am being consumed by you yet you are being consumed by honey
and i suppose honey and you fit quite well
but i am just a wooden spoon you use then turn away from
but because you are maple syrup
and you are so sweet and lovely and golden
and ever so sticky
all your unwanted and used parts
cling to me
pieces of you forever lingering
in my pocket

oh love
i don't think you understand
i adore you regardless

of course i'm happy for you
i'm just unhappy for me

i wish you would share a piece of your soul with me
and i wish you would let me share a piece of my soul with you

i wish you knew that ive never wanted to give my soul to anyone
but i want you to know my soul better than everyone

i was so close to ending it all
to giving up
but how can i give up
when you're still going so strong
and after everything youve been through
i can see that you're going so strong
how can i leave when you're still here

the song that reminds you of me
and the song that reminds me of you
side by side
like we will never be

i know these memories with you are the ones i will cherish
for once i have a memory so tangible
that when i look back to smile at it
all the emotions return too
i not only smile at the memory but i relive the entire moment
i will never not be thankful that you entered my life
through the pains and the joys
and the heavens know its been the slowest journey
our friendship
but what a journey it's been

every day, a new memory, a whirlwind of emotion
looking back like flashing images
the day we dashed across the busy road
our legs shaking from laughter
the day you held my hands and put your head to mine and i truly
in that moment i truly understood literature
and what it is meant when people say they feel like
the world has stopped and they are the only one's in it
for that is what happened
and when i see your face it certainly brightens up the room
when you goof around and play your silly games with me
it warms my heart
when we have our inside jokes and we're leaning against
one another trying to hold in our giggles
so that others are not alarmed
when you choose to sit next to me in a room of people and
when you confide things in me

i still don't understand all these feelings coursing through me
but i do understand one thing
you have taken a total eclipse of my heart
i am content with our friendship
and i hope i never lose you

the freedom i felt that day
in a town that was not my home
sitting in a cafe with a girl i had just met
telling each other secrets
i had told no one and she had told everyone

my heart was as liquid as can be
flowing through the gaps of it's cage,
i was free, free, free.

she talked of home and i listened
she listened and i talked of them
and i ate a salad and she ate a soup
and we walked around this little town
sketching all the building and talking
to each other to the locals
and then we bid farewell

i rode the train back to the suburbs
my heart cowered back into its cell
i was trapped once more
for i tasted freedom but i was not yet free

you tell me not to care about what anyone thinks
little do you know i cared the most about what you think

and you threw that away,
you spat in my face

all my life i have been bound by the letter c
how fitting since it seems
to be shaped like manacles
ready to clasp around my wrists
around every corner
every turn i took i found her unchallenged in her rivalry  
she chose to haunt me
down to the colour of my eyes
i could not escape her
she was always there, a shadow in the corner
for have you considered
she cowered in every single line
of this poem, reflected within every word

i smile upon fond memories
but fond memories are all ive got
for youve stolen the key to the doorway
and now alone i rot

i smile upon fond memories
tears dripping off of my chin

i struggle to find my calling
i do not know what it is i am meant to do
yet i have forced myself into spaces where i do not fit
and i pray i that nobody notices
and i pray that i do not break

but call me agnostic because i hear no one answer my prayers

i scroll through the contacts on my phone
and realise there is no one i can call
nobody i can text
people ive had for 7 years
maybe more
their care for me has gone void
and i can sense it
can't you see?
it's all superficial  
every conversation
every look
it is all superficial
and i can blame anyone and anything for it
but none of that will change the truth and none of it
will gift me a new outcome

so now i sit alone
in a void room and i wonder
who will notice
who will care
when i am all but gone

for they will notice when i take my last breath
but nobody notices the moments before
not from afar

all the people are fake
they're made out of metal
but i like you
and that is not fake

my mother is like the queen
she is the queen of everything
but in the sense that all that matters is reputation and
i am merely a means to an end.

i am the pawn on the chessboard
and she likes to play with her pawns carved out hollow,
brittle shells on the edge of breaking.
she likes the power of holding a fragile heart in her hands
to nurture and then destroy as she sees fit
for her own entertainment.

is it still my fault i turned out the way i am?

i have to find a way
to stay numb
keep myself distracted
build a dam
stop the emotions from flooding in
for i am afraid of the havoc it will wreak

i'm having trouble
finding my purpose
in life

like the blood that seeps
through the holes n gaps in my skin
i patch it up
with paper and tape
but what lays underneath
calls every blade to my skin
i try again
to keep it away
but it causes a hunger that's impossible to satisfy
in any other way

but maybe that's a story for another day.

i am so sad
and i have no ways to express myself
it feels like ive lost my words
ive lost my poetry
and ive got nothing else
its like im drowning

so i looked at you
and then i said hi
the voice that replied with 'hey'
froze me
and i turned around
and i saw you
i saw the wide smile
i saw the recognition
i saw the embers left within me
they sparked to life
they gave me confidence
to say what i needed
to let your spirit
embrace my soul
oh, how amazing it was
to see you again
how amazing you are
for being able to make such
a change in the world
and i know that you are
leaving soon
and it hurts my heart to know
and i wish you could know
that you will be missed
by everyone and by me
i wish you could know
how much of a change you make
how you make the world so much better
how your light touched a
dark and damp soul
and sparked a light
deep inside
how you inspired, spread joy,
love, willpower,
it takes one man to run a lighthouse
for another man to see its light
and find home
one person can save many lives
one person can bring many home
i wish you'd see how
special you are to me
how that smile reached pass the cobwebs of my heart and
deep into my soul to light a
torch to chase away the shadows
see how that torch still burns and
has me writing poems dedicated to you.

i thought you left
i had thought of you gone
thought that flickering flame
was dead
i was wrong
and for once
i hope i am wrong again
that very same wrong
again, and
again, and
again, i
hope i am always wrong about you leaving me behind
and letting that
light
die out

my heart twists
in misery and
agony and
these raw feelings
but today i realized
that the light is
still lit
flickering only a
long hallway away
yet 'tis still lit
it still survives
it's still HERE
the light did not
forsake me
not just yet
and it is that knowledge
that light
that is keeping this
dismal tide
at bay

i have no one to talk to
how lovely
the narcissist tears me to pieces

so you
tell me off
&
force me
not to eat
while you munch on your snacks
in front of my face
wow.

i feel sick
to my stomach
and the tears
won't stop flowing
im sobbing......
                            ...sobbing
                                              sobbing
                                       and
                              now
                   i feel
            so
empty

maybe this new poem
is just not
supposed to be
published.


i've tried t h r e e times now

I AM SICK
OF LOSING POEMS
TO
502 BAD GATEWAY

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you sniff lines,
i write lines

haha
**** yov.
you know it triggers me
and im not doing so well right now




so tempted to go
on one ice coffee a day right now

dontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothat­dontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothat

but­ i wanna.

do you ever have
two poems
running through your mind
at once
and you can't decide which one to write down
and you cant write them both because they're happening
AT THE SAME TIME
and by the time you write one you'll forget the other
but the time taken to try and decide
makes you forget both

tingles
brain
hurt
kys

it hurts to see you like this
but i will be patient for you.

you said
my poetry
is rough?
hahaha
yeah that's
because
my thought's
tear apart
the
thought maker

is my existence
abnormal ?
there are days when
i break because
i am made to
hate myself
it isn't right
the pain is too great
this pain is strength
but this strength
is pain
i just want to be
okay .

am i really
who i think i am ?
am i really
who i've been told i am?
am i really
who i've been made to be?
am i bound to who
they perceive me as?
or can i be expressed
in a different form ?
i want to be alive, but i feel
trapped in who i am
it doesn't sit right with me
but who i think i am
doesn't sit right with them
i am human .
i am she .
i am they .
i am who i am .
but i am not bound to
how i am traditionally
perceived .

my mind
has parasites
they control
the way i
think, and
tell me to
do things i
don't want
to do .
it's like
two warring parts
of an intimate
*****, the
one that resides
in my skull
two forces of
opposite sides
pushing
against good
and evil .
and i am the
host
once full of life
now quite lifeless
as they take
me over
a shell .
i cannot think
my own thoughts
i cannot breathe my own air
if i fight with
them
they'll just
**** me
instead .

they say
it is
only a day
a day
until we meet
the enemy

are you
going to
apologise
for yelling at me
for  no given reason
or
am i just
to suppress the
tears and
are we to
act as if nothing happened?
am i supposed to be
okay?

well
you see
now this time
i had to leave
i had to leave the
memories ive made
behind
as one
by one
i couldn't trust
anybody
as everybody
turned their back
on me,
or tugged me down
down
down
into a trap
i was trapped
now i'm free
heartbroken
but
free.

you're leaving me here
to make memories
that I will be forced to
look back on
in sadness
when you all
leave me again
one
by
one.

what a
fickle thing
feelings
i wish i
could turn them
all off

it's our laughter that
bound us;
the moment of camaraderie
new friendship being born
unsure whether this'll be thorn
or storm
and i sat there, torn
unsure where to go from here
a welcoming clasp
palm on palm, fingers
coiled around one another
a peace treaty, a clap of agreement
a silent pact between us
" i gotchu"
a " thank you"
a smile here
a couple more there
am offer for selfless help
and pride in me
pride in you
teamwork.
teamwork,
that forged out friendship
and i thank you
for all your help
all of it.

do you believe in it?
- what?
- love at first sight.
- it depends laugh what do you mean by 'love'?
- i... i don't know. i feel like it has multiple different meanings in my mind. but i guess... love at first sight... similar to a crush but a bit different, yet that little bit counts for miles. love at first sight is when your heart warms to a person upon laying his eyes on them. the feeling like another piece of your life fell into place. it's joyyy, so much joy all at once, for no reason, but also a little sadness, because you know people don't believe in love at first sight, and that most likely you'll never get a chance. it's constantly thinking about the person, swooning over, but also loving their personality. the jokes, the laughs, the helpfulness, the understanding. the friendship, the sense of belonging. it's smiling randomly. it's having conversations in your mind that you know you'll never be able to have in real life. it's wondering when you'll see them again, grief every day that you don't. longing for what will never be. pain upon uncertainty. it's trust that you shouldn't have , risk you shouldn't take. it's all pretty chaotic, but it's all there in a massive whirl in my head, and i can't sleep. so, what is this? how can all this emotion be nothing?
- no emotion is 'nothing'. but what you described does sound a bit suspiciously crush-like. what's the fine line that separates intrigue, attraction and love?
- it's safety. the feeling of safety, feeling of being home when you're far from your house, it's the feeling of calm and content when you know that you'll see them again. it's- i don't know, man. but this HAS to be more than a mere crush laced with intrigue and boredom. it can't be something that'll disappear as fast as it came about. not all of this.
- yeah, maybe. i'm seriously as lost on this one as you are.
- uuurrghh, why are people so hard? and why are there always so. many. obstacles?!
- who knows? but you're right. nothing comes easy.
- 'easy'?! sometimes the one thing you need most never comes at all!
- now, now-
- i read a quote from a book the other day; "i could not understand why i wasn't allowed to have this without everything else falling apart. was this the only way the universe could find a balance? by taking so much away in order to grant me one pleasure?" and, like, i read that and thought, ****, well, ain't that relatable
- wow. that's pretty deep.
- deep is one way to put it, anyway, i don't know what to do, what to think, how to go about. what now?
- i guess we'll just have to wait and see. *shrug

just trying to deal with some things
sitting here at 3am
hunched by the sink
lost in my thoughts
tossing, turning all night long
my head, my heart, it's all a mess
something's wrong...
my body is aching
my heart is drowning
my stomach is churning
head spinning
an emotional fever
spreading like wildfire
longhand, short
so indecisive
spelling abhorrent
i am a mess
i need the moon
but it has been cloudy
lately
not an ounce of moonlight
seeping through...
i miss the silver shine
i need a dose, soon
i can't breathe...
i should sleep.

i can't
fuvking
breathe
because of you
you saved my life
and now you'll be the reason
i end it

it's been
nine days
since it all came crashing down
nine whole days
and then some more
nine days ago i lost a friend
i lost my appetite
i lost my motivation
i lost hope
i lost my will to live
i lost my happiness
i lost my love
i lost my dreams
and i lost myself.

it's at 3am
i cry
i cry for help
i cry for love
i cry for lost hope
i cry for crushed dreams
at 3am
i cry in pain
i cry with jealousy
i cry silently
cry to be seen
at 3am i cry
i cry with my memories
i cry with my pen
i cry as the world around me
sleeps.
at 3am
i weep to the moon
i weep for the lost souls
the people i misplaced
i weep with the man on the moon
and when the clouds obscure
i weep on my own
3am, sleepless nights
with aches as deep as my bones
tears behind my face and
sobs behind my throat
at 3am
i run out of words to use
i miss my muse
i run out of things to say, that
describe my brain, i-
all i can say, is...
at 3am, i cry

what is love?
is it small
or is it big?
is it red
or is it yellow?
is it daily life
or the dying stars
at night?
is it pure joy
is it a hallucination?
something our minds form
something that doesn't
exist?
is it something we
have to pay for?
something so ****
overrated
that when it comes along
everyone is disappointed
isn't it just
a heartbreak when
you least expect it?
is it actually pain?
love is overrated
love is underrated
depends on how
your life's been going
it gives you
life and death
take your pick
which is worse?
Copyright. Elissar Mustapha
12.11.2018