The water cycle
Of my soul
Goes something like this

Pain collects,

Joy evaporates

Hopelessness condensates

And sadness preciptitates

On and on and on
This is the water cycle
Of my soul

Ten
Tears that fell

Nine
Half hearted oh wells

Eight
Sleepless nights

Seven
Silent screams

Six
Simple scratches

Five
Days left

Four
Depressive thoughts

Three
Anxious ones

Two
Ugly options

One
Last chance

Zero*
No more, she's gone

Always
Be
Careful
Don't
Ever
Fall from
Great
Heights
It
Just might
Kill you
Literally
Make
No mistakes
Only smile
Please, it's
Quite hard in
Reality but
So easy
To say
Usually people
Very quickly
Withdraw
X** marks the spot
You'll see, they'll soon just sleep
Zzzzz

I thought that
I had already faced
My scariest moment

But I hadn't

I realized tonight that
My scariest moment
Wasn't when I thought
I was going to lose myself

No,
It was when I thought
That I was going to lose you

If a tree falls
In the forest
With no one around
Does it make a sound?

If I fall
In a crowd of people
But no one cares
*Was I ever alive?

If I don't have to answer a text
I won't look at it
That way,
My phone continues to tell me
That I have a message
And I feel a little less alone,
Like someone actually
Wants to talk to me

I count my notebooks
Every morning
Before school
Even if I haven't touched them all night
Just to be extra sure

I smile when I'm sad
Just to look happy
For everyone out there
Even when the best thing
To do
Would be to cry my eyes out

I have a lot
Of silly habits

I was hiking
With a nine year old boy
The other day

And suddenly he slipped

It wasn't a bad fall
Not even a scratch
I doubt if it even bruised

But he started crying
And screaming

He yelled,
I can't do it!
It hurts too much!
I have to go back!

And I said,
I know how that feels,
But you've just got to keep going
Because I knew he wasn't actually hurt

The thing was,
I was never talking about the hike

I want to write a happy poem
I truly do

But when I write
I let it pour straight
From my soul
To the paper

And happiness
You see,
Is something
My soul doesn't
Even remember

I want to write a happy poem
Honest

I've tried
And tried
But every time
They've ended up
In the trash

I want to write a happy poem
I really do

But apparently,
You need to be happy
To share
Happiness

Which means
All I can spread
Is sadness

Please,
It's not your fault

Don't blame yourself
For my mistakes

I'm sorry if I hurt you
I'm sorry if I caused you guilt

It wasn't your fault
I gave you no warning

There was nothing
You could have done

I'm sorry for burdening you
I'm sorry for causing you pain

But it wasn't your fault
It was mine

It would make sense
If joy
Were toenails

Because
Joy is small
You don't really notice it
Until it's gone
The same is true of toenails

Also,
If you are hiking
Too long
And too hard
Your toenails
Will actually fall off

The same is true of joy

This is why,
It would make sense if
Joy were toenails

Why do I not cry?
Tears are evidence of pain
You can't see my pain

So yes I do cry
You just do not look for pain
So you just see joy

I swear
My soul was
Once full
But I was
More open than
I should have been

And I suppose
My soul hates me
As much as I hate me

Because as soon as
I opened up enough,
It fled

Hi,
I'm Nicole
I'm still young
Only
16 going on 60

I've seen so much
I can never go back
I got more regrets piled up
Than stars in the sky

I've been told
My eyes look older than my body

And
My soul seems older than my age

That's because
I'm just
16 going on 60

I am used to
Silence

Don't ever interrupt
Let adults speak first
Never speak of feelings

Really,
Simple silence is easier

It's what I'm used to

Muffle your screams
Keep your tears quiet
Hide your pain

You see,
Tortured silence is best

It's what I'm used to

So my question is
What made me
Break that silence?
To come here,
To pour my heart out
To strangers?

It's true,
Silence is what I'm used to
But now that I'm speaking,
It's so much better

Do you even bother
To look for the signs?

I play my music louder
These days
I don't listen
For joy
But to drown
The world out

I'm never without long sleeves
These days
I don't wear them
For warmth
But to protect
My secrets

I feel ill more often
These days
I don't feel sick
Because of a physical illness
But a
Mental one

There are thousands of signs
That I am dying
Yet you never notice
Do you even bother to look?

I recieved the
"Best attitude award"
For basketball

Everyone cheered
My team congratualated me
I smiled
And looked happy

But really,
I wanted to cry
The coach said I deserved it,
That I came each day
Smiling

Yes,
I do come in smiling
But only so no one sees the pain

That is not
The "best attitude award"
Not for me,

For me,
It is the
"Best liar award"

For I tricked everyone
Into thinking
Even my tears that night
Were tears of joy

I convinced everyone
Oh good job
They thought I was happy

That was when
I realized
Help would never find me

For I recieved
The "best liar award"

The tears run down my face
The thoughts run through my head
The fear runs through my veins

My heart races
My feet run
My soul runs out

Running
I'm running

When will it end?
When will I stop running?

Depression is sad
Awful
Horrible

But if you are attempting
To be positive
I guess you could say
That it has it's pluses

For instance:
I no longer fear death

I can climb to the sky
Walk as close to the end
As I like
I can jump from higher
And do more

For it has been quite awhile
Since I last feared death

If life were a video game,
Then I would totally buy the
'Skip this level'
Option
Because let me tell you,
This level *****

If I wake up
Without tears
Remind me
To be happy
For that means
I slept
Without nightmares

If I wake up
With amnesia
Remind me
To be happy
It's better this way
Memories ****
Anyway

If I don't wake up
And I lay there dead
Remind me
To be happy
This is good
I am not a
Burden
Any longer

Please,
Remind me;

What does joy feel like?
Why is it so desired?
Does it even exist?

Remind me;

What does content sleep feel like?
Do you dream?
Can you remember anything?

Remind me;

What does peace feel like?
Does it ever change?
Is it really that good?

Remind me;

What does innocence feel like?
Do you care about things still?
Are there still some who feel it?

I'll remind you;
Not knowing these
*****

It's been six days
I've slept maybe six hours
Probably less

That's not enough
For one night
Let alone
One week

You see,
On the off chance
I escape my mind
From it's torrents
Of memories

It's not into
The world of dreams
It's into
The world of nightmares

So I stay awake

By choice or not
Sleep is a priviledge
I do not recieve

How did I get here?

I have a
Knife in my heart

Sword in my soul

And a bullet in my head

Yet I'm still going

How does that work?

I was talking
To a little boy

"Do you want a story?"
I ask

"Yes,"
"Something that's not real"
He replies

"Like what?"
I answer

"About a world,
Where everyone is happy"
He states

The boy was only nine years old

Yeah I'm fine

I just tripped
Off a cliff

I'm just chipped
Into a million pieces

It's only a scratch
But I'm bleeding out

I'm fine as always
*Just dying inside

Who says depression
Must be gray?

It's not

I see red
In the blood
From my cuts

I see,
Blues, greens, purples
In the bruises
From the
"Accidents"

I see white clearness
In the tears
From the sadness

I see orange and yellow
From the hot
Bursts of pain

So take it from me,
Depression
Is not simply
*Gray

What was the
Scariest moment
In your life?

I remember mine
Vividly

It was late
I couldn't sleep
Thoughts ran through my head
Horrible thoughts
How I wanted to die
And why

I climbed out of bed
And crept down the hall

I slipped into the kitchen
And grabbed a knife

I remember,
I stood outside
For the longest time,
Blade against wrist

I felt the rain stream past me
As tears ran down my face

I knew this was no ordinary cut
I pushed the knife down harder
And said goodbye
But I couldn't do it
I collapsed to the ground
Shaking
Crying

Was I too weak?
Or was I just strong enough?

This was the
Scariest moment
Of my life
Because
It was then that I realized
The true enemy is
*Me

If I ever talk
To anyone,
I always weigh the facts
Is it worth it?
For they will always leave
Is this conversation
Worth it?

I almost always walk away
But with you
I had no choice
It was a sneak attack

Before I knew what was happening,
We were talking

Then,
We were friends

Now,
I don't know what is happening
It started with a sneak attack
And ended with a sneak away

So was it worth it?
I don't know
Let's see the ending
And find out

This site is my lifeline
Yet,
You are the only ones
Who can watch
Me slowly dying
Falling apart
Before your eyes

You are the only ones who
Know about my nightly crying
And how
The pressure builds for trying

This site is my lifeline

You are all so encouraging
I have yet to hear
Someone say,
"We don't want you,
Just go die"

You say to keep living
Loving
Laughing

And while that
May not be possible for me
You remind me to try

This site is my lifeline
And the great people on it
I may have lost my life
If it weren't for you

*So thank you

No little girl,
You don't know pain
You are just a child
You say you want to die
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know stress
You are just a child
You say it is drowning you
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know anxiety
You are just a child
You say you can't breathe
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know depression
You are just a child
You say you hate living
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know these things
You are just a child
You say you speak the truth
But you are probably lying

No stupid adult
I do know these things
Yes you are an adult
You say you understand
*But you are definitely lying

Don't bother to help me
Don't waste your time
I'm a lost cause

Don't even talk to me
Don't try to sympathize
I'm a goner anyway

Don't pretend you care
Don't tell me I matter
I'm long gone already

But most of all,
Don't get close
Don't get attached
Because I'm a lost cause

And I'll leave you far behind

Put on some lipstick
So you look like
You are smiling
And no ones sees
The sadness

Put on some mascara
So you look like
Your eyes are twinkling
With joy
And no one sees
The deadness in you

Put on some foundation
So you look like
Your skin is shining
And not
The grey of exhaustion

And finally,
Put a slice on your arm
To repay
Future mistakes
And to remember
You are real

Tonight is one of those nights where
I don't know if
I will never sleep again

Or if
I will soon fall asleep
Forever

I opened my eyes
To the world
When I was born

Then I realized the world is crap
And now I want to close them

*Is that really such a bad thing?

A worry stone
Is what you rub
When you are stressed
Or worried

I use mine
Quite a lot

Do I look okay?
Did she notice?
Do I talk funny?

Rub rub rub

Why did you ask?
Did you mean it?
Why is this happening?

Rub rub rub

I don't understand
I can't do this
I am so dumb

Rub rub rub

I won't make it
This will never work
I am so ugly

Rub rub rub

Now my stone is gone
I rubbed it all away
Now I have nothing
To make the worry go away

I used think
Of suicide
All the time

How
When
Where

But really,
Suicide
Sounds like a lot
Of work

What I really wish
Is that death
Would just take me
And I wouldn't have to come
To it

That I would fall from great heights
But not on purpose

That a bear would eat me
Without prompting

That water would take me
Without my help

That I would just die
But not on purpose

Or even better
But truly impossible,

I wish I had never been born

That I had never disgraced
This world
With my presence

That I never
Met you
So you wouldn't have to pretend
To be my friend

That I never
Forced my
Ugly words
On people

I honestly wish I had never been born

So no,
I do not
Want to commit suicide

But yes,
I do want to die
Or have never been alive

It's odd

At first
We were simply polite

Then,
We were friends

Now,

We are sometimes
Children
And talk
Of petty things

We are sometimes
Adults
And talk
Of stress, sadness,
And other things
Not for children

We are sometimes
Encouraging
We will take turns
Telling the other
Why they need to live

But most of all
We are always
*Friends

Didn't you know?

Cinderella,
Was only chased by the prince
For the mystery
Not the girl

Snow White,
Was never wanted by the prince
He just wanted
The adventure
Not the girl

Belle,
Was never loved
By the beast
He just wanted
To escape the curse

So didn't you know?
The only real prince
Disney ever made
Is named Hans

Who was greedy
And just wanted
Money and fame
And tricked a little girl
Out of her innocence

Didn't you know?

I was told
That my pen
Seems to leak sadness

But this is not true

It is my soul,
Which leaks sadness

It is my mind
My heart
My arms
My legs
Which leak sadness

It is me,
Which leaks sadness

So do not blame my pen
It is me
Leaking sadness

Not the pen

There are two types of people in this world:

1) The happy ones
The ones who love life
Love living
Have joy
In their hearts

2) The gentle ones
Who let others go first
Are always content
Not really sad
But not happy either

3) The ones like me
Too sad
Too tired
Too alone
Worrying  too much
And too confused
By life
To even count

You've got to be perfect,
Don't you see?

You must be mature
Act older than your age
Set an example
You're the oldest
Act like it

No you can't cry
Tears are for the weak
Oh you want to die?
Well do it on your own time
Don't waste mine
With silly tears

You must be perfect
It's not that hard
Just do everything right
Even if you can't breathe
And don't know if you'll survive

You have to be pretty
Who wants a girl
Who is ugly?

You need to work hard
It's like you don't even try

Just be perfect
That's all I ask

I want to be perfect
I really do try
I try to do as you say
But I'm just not perfect
I'm not
I just can't

*I'm sorry

My thoughts hurt worse
Than anything else
I try to drown them out
*But they drown me

I swear
This guilt
Will be
What kills me

Here I am
My life is good
I should be happy
Or at least not
Whatever this is

I should not be sad
I have such support

There are so many
Who have it worse
Who am I
To feel this way?

This guilt
Will be
What kills me

You'll see

I'm not perfect
Not even close
But I swear,
I'm trying

I study
For hours
Then deny it
The next day
For only
The nerds
Study

I plan
My outfit
Each night
But it's carefully planned
To not look carefully planned,
So no one knows
It took effort

I know I'm not perfect
Not even close
But I swear,
I'm trying

I give it my all
But all I get
For my efforts
Is a growing stack
Of mistakes
And errors

I'm beginning to think
It's not worth it

Maybe I should just
Shut up
And give up

Never bother anyone
With my words again

I know I'm not perfect
Not even close
But I swear,
I'm trying

However,
I am close
To giving up

It's almost funny;

I performed one action
Metaphorically
And it made me want
To do the same thing physically;

*I fell off the cliff of despair

Mirror mirror
On the wall
Who's the fairest
Of them all?

Not you

Mirror mirror
On the wall
Who's the one
About to fall?

You are

I shatter the mirror
And use the shards
To bleed the memories
From my skin

Mirror mirror
On the wall
You pushed me
Off the cliff so tall

*You deserved it

Rapunzel is a lie
There was no witch
Rapunzel locked herself
In the tower

She was done with the world
But it's a fairytale
So she couldn't die

Rapunzel locked the tower herself
She got lonely, yes
But it was her own mistakes
Which held her captive
Not a witch

There may have been a prince
But he left lonely and sad
Rapunzel trusted no one
And refused to let her hair down

Rapunzel is a lie
It's not happy
And she was not innocent

The world is filled with liars

There are innocent liars
Like bagworms
Which look like caterpillars
But really **** your plants

Then there are kind liars,
Who lie
To keep you safe

There are guilty liars
Who lie
Because they can't bear
The truth

Finally,
There are real liars
Who lie
To see you writhe in pain
To feel the power
Of killing someone
With just words

These are usually the only ones
Considered liars,
But remember
*The world is filled with liars

You have been through a lot
I know,
The world hurts

But I need you to hold on
I have never
Had a friend like you

So please,
Hold on

If you leave
I may follow suit

Please,
You are great

You are amazing

You are wonderful

Hold on

You have done
Some things
That you aren't proud of

But it is okay
Do not be tempted
Hold on

Please
Please
Please

*Hold on