you are as
shallow
as the
shot glass
you fill
time after time

you would think
that all of that
liquid
would contribute
to some
depth

but instead
all youve gained
is a headache
and some words
you shouldnt have
said

even though the
tide
comes back
to kiss the
sand,
the sun
rises
every morning
to find that
the moon
is already
gone

if everyone likes you,
then you arent living.

hyper awareness

fingertips crackle with
electricity

my spine
is a lightning rod

eagerly consuming
every stroke of your fingers

body thrumming
with electricity

mind power
shifting into
maximum overdrive

i saw you in a photograph
smiling like someone trying to be happy
i am not sorry for you

all this time
i blamed myself
for being
purple
when you thought
i should be
red
because it went better
with my eyes

now i am
a shade of
blue -

neither my
original self
nor
what you want

and blue is the color
of depression.

adapt
like a bird
building a nest
out of discarded newspaper

a small animal's bones
restructuring
readjusting
around the plastic rings
that once held soda cans

learn to stay put
if you were meant to fly
but find yourself
caged

adapt
change your body chemistry
alter your consciousness
to fit in
where you were not made to

cold hands
around my throat
dragging me under

i hold my breath
and clench my sheets
as if they were
an anchor

but when the wave hits
i am always swept away

i am a butterfly
you wanted nothing more
than to watch me fly
but you loved my wings
so much
that you clipped them

it was a
goodbye
that made my
capillaries
explode

it made
my heart valve
backflow

and my ribcage
crack

they say that
internal bleeding
is fatal

and i guess
i am now
a part of the
statistic
that agrees
with that

i find myself feeling
so small
so insignificant
at the worst times

like when
your hand is in mine
and your fingers can traverse
such a large expanse

while i can barely
manage to hold on
to anything
for too long

and even when
i find my grip
the other side
lets go

youve taken my place
in the back of his mustang,
but i hope you find
a strand of my hair
on the floorboards

all of these drugs in my system
all of these holes and blisters
you said that i was made of the sun -
but what do you know of light,
you creature of darkness?

i have come to accept
that i am always
full
of love
of hate
of anger
of pain

i am never
half way

i can never
meet you
in the middle

if you pick me up
and make me spill
i am not sorry

today,
i wish
i was
dead.

i want
to roam
the
world
as a
shadow,
seeing
the pain
but not
feeling
it.

if feelings are not
physical things,
how do they
hurt you
so much?

they say that good things
come with time

but with you
time is an illusion
and every day spent
building up to this point
means nothing

because all i know
in this moment
is you
standing before me

you have given me
so much love
that my two arms
cannot carry it

so i have grown
stronger
to be able to
bear it all

you learned what happiness is
because you learned what love isnt

laying in the leaves
on the forest floor
outside of a
suburban neighborhood

i am partially high
and closing my eyes
to avoid the brightness
of the sunlight

for what does the
sun mean
if the leaves still fall,
and what purpose
do my feelings serve
if you do not
feel the same
anymore

i thought that maybe
drugs
alcohol
tears
blood
would finally
pack up the last
few pieces
i had left of you
and sweep them
away
like the leaves
i am cradled by
as the oncoming
breeze
of fall
descends upon
the trees

but the high
makes me feel
lower,
and the buzz
just rattles
the crude stitches
i had hand-sewn
onto my heart

i am drowning
in what is left
of you,
even though it is
only a puddle

i am only
awake
enough to feel
the pain

i drunkenly mutter
i loosely scream
i silently cry

no matter
what state
i am in,
whether i am
solid
liquid
wasted
trashed

there is
still
enough of you
left in me
to make
summer
freeze over
and my
heart
stop
with the sudden
change
in temperature

though i have tried,
i cannot break open my soul
and share it with you
because there is nothing left
to break

i would pour the stars from my irises
if it meant that you could see me
the way that i see you

the words used to flow
so freely from my brain

but then i grew older
the sky became
darker
the galaxy faded
like the peeling bumper stickers on my car

i forgot
what the milky way looked like from here

even if you cannot see me
i am shining
even if i am only an ember
i am reignited

the constellations have been restored
as i look at you
but i am
faded
to you
as the world once was
to me

hello heart-eyed doe,
tripping over your delicate feet
following the warm promise
of spring

hello heart-eyed doe,
don't let your spirit go
while you're out searching
for your love

when your heart is heavy,
you cannot just empty it -
and even if you could,
who would want an empty heart?

i feel so
heavy

every thought
is another
weight
on my shoulders

it is only a
matter
of time

before i am
pushed
down
into the
darkness

bleeding isnt fun
but its easy

love me for who i am
love the pen marks
on my hands
love the scars
along my thighs
love me for who i am

i place
a blank mask
over my face
and hand you
a pen

am i pretty now?

who are you
but a few molecules
of the universe
stitched together

what is your voice
bur a single vibration
lost within the echoes
of a thousand more

you tell me that i matter,
that i am different,
that i am special,

but what am i
but a single
strand
of endless DNA
that could still function
after the death
of my chromosomes

it is hard
to tell yourself
that the worst days
are behind you

when you feel like
you are still
living through them

the question is no longer
"when will i be happy?"
but rather
"will i ever be happy?"

if pretending
that i dont love you
is the only way
to stay close to you,
i swear i will do it
a million times over

that* (pronoun)
\ˈthat, thət\

used by the misunderstanding to describe the depth of thought and/or emotion experienced by the reader upon reading poetry that has been ripped directly from the author's soul

i watch you
fall at the feet
of those
who will never
know your name

im here
im real
i love you
and you
are distracted

they all frequent the same places
and maintain the same postures

they use the same spoons
and adore the same sounds

they smoke the same cigarettes
and poison themselves
with the same brand
of alcohol

you are standing
right in front of me

but your gaze
shows that you are
honestly
thousands of miles away

like the rings of
saturn
you spin in endless
circles

and catch up to me
every so often
but then continue on
within your orbit