a flicker
of recognition

a glance
into a sea of faces

a pair of eyes
that were once familiar

but the feeling is
different

the emotion is
heavy

i look away

honey, i dont play these games
my arms are too frail for tug-of-war

you made me an entire universe
but refused to live in it with me

so now i stare at the stars
and wonder which one is your spaceship
and wonder why you havent come to visit me

in this universe you made for me
in this universe you made for us
in this universe that is my prison

i did not
even know
that you could
love and hate
someone
at the same time,
even more so
did i not know
that i could feel
both emotions
so much
and so deeply -
together.

and all the times
that you screamed
to the mirror
telling it
that it wasnt your fault
you still cant forgive yourself
even though
you did nothing wrong.

you cant make me
undo what i did
and i cant make you
care again

so i will acknowledge the pain
and do my best
to pave a new road

what is a human
but a cosmic spec
of semi-wanderlust
destroying the planet
because they believe
they rule it
while if the human race
ceased to exist
the world would
flourish

and while time
does heal all wounds,
time does not
heal the scars

nothing
in this world
is reliable -
rain stops,
the sun hides,
stars die,
and the moon
cannot stay
in one place

so why did i
ever
decide
to rely
on you?

seven hundred and twenty nine feet below
a ferris wheel turns
shimmering in its slow white circles

a vision blurred
by hotel room windows
and sad thoughts
at 12:00 am

sneaker imprints from crossing
newly shaven legs

rosy sunburn mixing with
a spattering of freckles

scraped knees from
a failed skateboard trick

wind tossed hair
summer heart

you should be
dehydrating
from the
sun,

not
tears
wasted on
those
who have
ceased
to care

isnt it sad to realize
you can never honestly tell someone,
"i wont hurt you"

all of these
masks
look down
on me,
and they
do not like
what they see

for what use
is a puppet
that broke free
of its strings
if it can
no longer stand?

incisors
cutting
ripping
down to marrow

filled with the sun
and singing to the moon

a creature
of dark and light

running your hardest
still doesnt mean
you wont slip and fall

and i was
helping him
breathe
while you
were attempting
to drown
him

even the night
is not dark
as long as the moon
is in the sky
and this
is what you are
to me

turn me off
and turn me on
like a wind up doll

who needs love
when you have
electricity

who needs to lie
about their feelings
when they are
made of stone

but there are some
funny little things
that you probably shouldnt know
and i probably wouldnt tell you

like how i cant look at
sunflowers
because they really arent
happy

or how certain names seem
too heavy for me
to wrap my tongue around

there are some funny little things
that shouldnt matter
but somehow they do

like how my taste for rootbeer
turned sour
when a boy who loved rootbeer
broke my heart

or a certain song on my playlist
has gone silent for years
but still takes up 4 megabytes on my phone

there are some funny little things
that i hate to acknowledge
as important
because i dont want them to be

but yet
somehow
some way
they are too important
to let go of

you only know
how to fight
when no one
else
is around
to make me
lose

you are a
hidden oasis
and as i
pause
to drink,
i find that
you are
only an
illusion

fingers seeking
release
gutting desperately
only finding
emptiness
the ghost of someone elses hands
the memory of love
pain swells forward
turned off

i am thankful
that i still have
my memories
because they were all
that you couldnt take

i never kept a diary for long
because i always found myself
ripping out the pages
of the memories that i didnt want to remember.

if my life were a book
ideally
half of the pages would be missing.

if my memory were a song
the melody would be
scrambled
by boughts of abrupt silence.

my skin feels
chafed
by eraser marks
even though erasers do not work on human flesh.

my brain feels
scrambled
by a large black scribble
desperately trying to cover the things i dont want to remember.

i wish to function as a clock
with wind up hands
so that i can tell time where to go instead.

i am ripping out my intestines
like vcr tape.

why are the memories still playing?

i am a human -
and sometimes,
that scares me

maybe
one day
we will
meet again

bumping
carts
at the
grocery store

or
walking
the dog
in the
park.

maybe
one day
we will be
okay
again,

hopefully.

i know
what i should be saying -
something
along the lines of,
"how dare you
take advantage
of my heart".

but instead,
i find myself
pleading,
"please,
come back once more
and take
all i have left".

and so ill let my feelings trail off
like a lukewarm ending
to what was meant to be a perfect fairytale

you have all of me
and you will not
accept
what i have
given you,
but you will not
give it
back,
either