Inspired by Devan Ducasse, fellow HP writer*

"You're upset, I can tell,
You know I'll never hurt you, right?
Just stop crying."
He says

And I stopped crying.

"I hate always fighting with you,
It's my fault babe,
Why don't you just apologize."
He says

And I apologized.

"We need to stop having ***,
I want to focus on you,
Take off your clothes, bad girl."
He says

And I let him take off my clothes.

"We spend too much time on our phones,
I'm sorry I don't make you a priority,
It's nothing babe, get off my case."
He says

And I believed him.

"I need to do more for you,
Would you like red or pink roses,
Go buy your own **** flowers."
He says

And I did.

"I'm going out with the guys,
I promise to stay out of trouble,
I'm not drunk, *****."
He says

And I didn't say a word.

"I should compliment you more,
You're the most beautiful girl in the world,
Wow, that chick has to be a model."
He says

And I didn't state my opinion.

"I can be your shoulder to cry on,
What's wrong with my baby girl,
I swear I'm listening."
He says

But I know he isn't.

"I love you for your heart,
Your personality is what caught my eye,
Your body is mine."
He says

And I didn't disagree.

"I want to give you the world,
You do so much for me darling,
You're so selfish."
He says

And I tried harder.

"I hate my family,
You're the only one who understands me,
I will never let you help me."
He says

And he never did.

"You never give up on me,
I know I'm really ******* you,
How could you just stop trying."
He says

But I never did stop.

"Please don't ever leave me,
I couldn't do life without you,
Just leave."
He says.

And so I did.

"I made a huge mistake,
I need you in my life,
If you love me, come back."
He says

And so I walked away.

Throwing coins
In wishing wells
        Didn’t work
So I opted to
Write my worries
        In the sky
And maybe
       Just maybe
The wind would
Catch them and
       Take them away.

darling,
       you're beautiful.
                      but not in the way most
                             people see
                      in the way your eyes blend
                             from brown to green
                and the way your freckles scatter
                             along your face
             and how more beautiful can you be
                      when your eyes light up
                                your smile appears
                                        & laughter springs
                                            out of your chest
                                   what a beauty you are
                             special, like the stars

She loves glitter
And if you try and take away ZuZu, her blue tiger
She will scream and cry
She loves to color, and not just on paper
Sometimes random objects find their way into her hands
She's sneaky and quick
She might not walk yet but she can crawl super fast
She loves wearing skirts and bows in her hair
She's really goofy
Her favorite food is ice cream
She loves to make me laugh
She's a pro at hiding her shoes so she doesn't have to wear them
She's my little princess
And I couldn't imagine a life without her

where
you are
is not
who you
are.
— circumstances

i am a lover of the sea
as the stillness extends past the horizon
as creatures make their way beneath the surface
it is home to many kinds
wild sinners run free
secrets sink their way to the bottom
where they hide their history for eternity
people mistake the ocean for being clear blue
but beneath the surface is a rainbow
that bounces through the sun rays
mermaid tails
dolphin calls
and fish that swim together
the ocean is just like our world
there's good things
bad things
there's beautiful things
ugly things
there's a whole world living in the ocean that we sink our feet into
we neglect the fact that we invade their home
when we throw a hook or ride a boat
we harm their lives and make fish float
the net that sits in the sea
captures many lives and hurts many families
the beauty that it beholds
is being damaged by our own hands
our own materials
our own harmful ways
i am a lover of the sea
and i believe that we should let it be free.

lucky are the kids whose parents
are still together...lucky...

Take me to the moonlight
Let me walk in the dark
Find the unknown and make it known
Wander alone
By myself
Whisper to the trees
And write poems on the trunks
Let me hear the midnight callings
And answer them one by one.

Your favorite phrase is ‘I don’t like that’
You like it your way, just like your mommy
You can’t get enough of your favorite show, Blue’s Clues
You are almost ready to stop using diapers during the day
You are obsessed with jewelry even if it’s the candy kind
You love dressing up in your princess dresses
You are going through the asking why? faze
You have grown up so much
And I can’t believe how far we have both came.

She's grown up so much
I see myself in her everyday
Who knew that little bitty baby born in late November could grow up so fast
•Autumn Rose•
My season flower
She's my reason for living
She makes me want to wake up at the crack of dawn
She's my happiness
Five months old and just seems like yesterday I was holding her in my arms for the first time
Seventeen years old, a junior in high school and you would think this would throw me off or stop me from graduating
But it hasn't
It's made me want to try harder
Not for me, but for my daughter
Still number one in my class and I will be valedictorian
I will show my daughter how I did this for her
People have told me to drop out
That I won't make it
But I know better
When I make it, I promise I will remember those who doubted me
For once in my life, I am content
I am happy to be on this earth and to have a beautiful daughter
•Autumn Rose•
Mommy loves you
*My season flower

I walked for miles afterwards
After I got the news that broke me
Instead of shriveling up like a prune
I walked
I couldn’t stay still otherwise I’d think
And I couldn’t think
I would crumble
I’d fall into an unending abyss of what ifs and whys and how could yous...
I walked
And the night air made my tears dry up
I was hoping it would dry up my pain
Dry up the thought of you with her
The thought of every lie you ever told me
The thought of being alone
I stopped walking
I realized at that point in time, I didn’t need you
I never did
You are no longer the air that I breath
I have my own lungs
You are no longer my hopes and dreams
I dream of other things
You are no longer the love that brings me life
I give myself life
You are no longer my forever and always
I have a new beginning
I walked back home
And I breathed with my own lungs
And I realized I didn’t need you.

I feel pain everyday
A mental collapse inside my brain
My mind just isn’t the same

I’ve become a sad version of myself
I no longer enjoy the things
That used to bring me joy everyday

I no longer have a reason to wake in the morning from my slumber
Sometimes I wish before I drift off to sleep
That I may not wake in the morning

My wishes go unanswered...

I continue to rise into each day
Succumbing at the very end and praying that I wouldn’t have to start over again the next day
And so I do

I wake only to wish for the night again
I contemplate the purpose of continuing it
What is stopping me from stopping me?
Only the what ifs

What if it gets better
What if one day I no longer cry
What if I no longer crave the pain to cease
And it simply isn’t there
What if one day I no longer want to stop breathing
Or stop my heart from beating
Or contemplate ceasing

What if I want to live

My thoughts are plagued by neverending hopelessness of an even worse tomorrow
I tell myself that it doesn’t get better
So it mustn’t

My hope died a long time ago
Along with my carefree soul
And passionate heart
It ceased

So I must cease along with it
I must become forgotten
I must be no longer.

let me sip this wine
and go back in time
          to when we were young & free.
running wild
          not much on our minds
wondering
         where we could get the next dime
hovering
         over each other's bodies
covering
         so they wouldn't see the bruises
"honey
         there's more on your mind than drugs
what is this side of you?"
        
         "it's the side that no one knew
cause life is a blessing
         and we're wasting our youth."

We bicker
We yell
Fighting with words
Losing our minds
Blood rushing
Screaming, crying
Lost in this brokenness
Trying, trying
To fix it
To make it alright
Bandage it back together
Kiss it goodnight
Yet here
There are no kisses to give
No love to receive
Forgotten, not forgiven
Screaming, crying
No more trying

lessons are learned
and hatred hurts
but i'll slip away from your grip
just to feel the burn
on my lips
down my throat
in my lungs
overdose
i might not live
my body could reject this poison
boys &
***** &
smoke filled rooms
where'd you go my girl?
overdose
don't get too close
recovery only lasts for a time
but then times up &
it's back to the bottle &
drunken kisses &
rolled up death notes
overdose
no one knows
i can't help it
relapse many times in a row
third times a charm  
that's how life goes
you get real high &
then down you go
*overdose

who knew your words
could hurt me that much
worse than when
I scraped my knee
that night I was drunk
trying to forget about
those words you said

I don’t hate him
I just wish I hadn’t fallen for his little game
I don’t wish him bad omens
I just pray he doesn’t do the same to other girls
I don’t tell his secrets
I just let people figure out his intentions on their own
I don’t miss him
I just have an aching in my chest when I think about him
I don’t cry over him
I just stay up at night contemplating the pain he caused me
I do forgive him
But I don’t forget the scars he left
I don’t forget the lies he fed me
I don’t forget the things he took from me
That I will never get back
I don’t forget the feeling of unworthiness
And I will never forget the words he said
As we neared the end
I don’t hate him
But I don’t love him either.

He’s gone now
Not gone forever but gone for awhile
He’ll be busy
And won’t have the time for me
But I still
Sit by the phone and wait

Hopefully it rings...

i'm not always happy & there's not always a reason
i talk a lot & repeat myself because of my anxiety, i'm sorry if I annoy you
i don't love myself
i think i'm too tall
i have trouble looking people in the eyes
i pop my knuckles
music makes me happy
art brings me peace
i love kids & want to have many of my own, i'm sorry if that's a deal-breaker
i need my alone time due to being an introvert
if i know you well, i will open up to you
i can be wild & crazy
alcohol is my best friend  
cigarettes are apart of me
i enjoy the night sky
adventure calls my name
i live young, wild, & free
i'm insecure
i love to laugh
i embrace my freckles & stretch marks
i believe women are downgraded, i'm not sorry if that's too feministic
i can't dance but i do it anyways
i'm overprotective & get jealous
i have a painful past that doesn't define me
i believe i can succeed if I put my mind to it
i never give up
mistakes mostly end up being choices
love is hard to come by so grab it up when ya find it
life is simple, we just tend to complicate that process

when she's happy, she can't stop talking, but when she's sad, she doesn't say a word.

share your words with me
          let's relax in this simplicity
     each word I read
                     it plants a seed
            inside my heart
                  inside my bones
                             I grow and grow until
                     similes fall
            I reach and reach until
                        metaphors breach
                                 my fingers are pens
                                     my heart is the source
      that brings forth all of my poetry
                     time for the second course

She's a champagne princess
          She's a little 4:20 hunny
                    A splash of class and sass
               All mixed up in a whiskey glass
       She has a heart of gold
  A life that's young &
           A soul that's old.

shes so exhausted
that she can't even change her clothes
she just lays down in bed
with the tv on
and the lamp still glowing
she cries herself to sleep
and if you could have seen her laying there
with a damp face
and tangled hair
you wouldn't have wondered why she was so tired
and why she was crying
you would have thought
she's so beautiful
she makes sadness look exquisite
and tiredness seem lovely
how beautiful, a girl so weak
*yet I bet she can fly in her dreams

He only half-listens
There’s contempt in his voice
His words are like fire
I get burned with no choice

His eyes are distant
I see fury in his sight
I try to run away
He puts up a fight

I cry and I suffer
Pain that goes deep
Words full of hatred
Love that fights sleep

We tend to focus on the wrong things, forgetting what's important
When I was six years old I thought that life was always happy
But as I grew up my mind got contorted
Into what people whispered under their breath
And the word 'love' being thrown around like it was nothing
When I reached the age of seventeen my view of life was death
I now understand that love isn't always true
And that some men can't own up to their mistakes
For the longest time my parents didn't think I knew
But it's very hard to hide fake love in front of a teen
Because school did teach me at least one thing
It was that adults aren't always truthful to young kids like me
Because they don't want to mess up the family 'dynamic'
But what they didn't realize is that it had been ******* up for years
Yeah, I've downed a couple beers
If I keep things from them, of course they're keeping secrets from me
Mom, you don't have to lie to me
I've seen worse things
I just wish you would tell me the truth
Is there a reason you're sleeping in a different room?
Dad, please stop disappearing
I don't know where you go but mom would like to know
You don't answer your phone
You act as if you're not apart of our family
Your cover is blown
You eat at the dinner table absently
You never have time for us
Check your watch it's almost seven
You should be home by now
You would have thought you'd learn your lesson
I can't do this
Watch my family fall apart
It's been going on long enough
It breaks my ******* heart
Please stop this
I didn't ask for a separated family
When I was young we were so great
What happened to that fantasy
I grew up
That's what happened
I started to realize through my grown up eyes
That life isn't what it looks like on the outside
You have to look deep within to notice all the lies
The husband is a cheater
The mother is a forgiver
The son has been gone
But the daughter was like a river
She cried all night
Asking God why is this happening?
My family has been falling apart
And you sit back as it's unraveling
Help her!
She's my mother and I love her
She's hurting and she's trying
But she never gets anything in return
Help him!
He's my father and I love him
He's disappearing and he's blind
And he doesn't see what's right in front of him
A family who loves him
But he's been looking for other things
We try to give him all his needs
But we fail to do so
And the darkness proceeds
I get jealous of these other kids
With the families that are together
They care for one another
And they play games every night
They go out to eat on the weekends
And I'm stuck here despite
All the stories I have about our wonderful past
Too bad that we couldn't last
We had so many more adventures to go on
I wish I was six years old again
But I guess we can't all win
So I'll sit back on the sidelines
And watch my family slip by
This is the year my family fell apart
Not together in distance and never in heart.

You cannot love someone before you love yourself.
You say that you're happy, yet you aren't happy in your own company.
You say that you're a better person now that you've met him, yet weren't you a fantastic person before?
You say that you can't live without him, yet you have all the necessities of life to live without him.
What you don't realize darling is that you are wonderfully amazing in your own unique way.
Truth is you don't need him to be happy, because your laughter used to fill a room before you even knew of his existence.
Truth is you were a good person before he came along, you helped people in need as often as you could.
Truth is you can survive without him and live a successful life however you'd like.
Truth is darling, you'd be okay by yourself.
You'd learn to love yourself,
Learn to be happy when he's not around,
Learn to get out there and meet people, experience things,
Learn to have goals and dreams aside from his,
You would learn.
If you don't build your own dream, someone else will hire you to help them build theirs.
Before you love someone and give your all to them, fall in love with yourself.
Be yourself, because no matter how much you love them and they love you, they will change you.
Make sure you're grounded, stable.
People won't always be there for you, but you will always be there for yourself.
And darling don't ever let a boy push you down so low to where you don't love yourself and to where you feel like a mistake.
Because you aren't a mistake
You're absolutely wonderful.
Love yourself, because yourself deserves that love.

anxiety is a killer
           it takes over your mind and body
     swallowing you whole
causing you to worry
       about uncertain outcomes
   leaving you a little numb
           it mistakes ‘try’ with ‘perfection’
  every red mark
                 gives you a ghost white complexion
       next weeks reunion gives you chills down your spine
   will they remember me?
should I just decline?
you can feel it in your hands
          as they sweat and shake
you can hear it in the sound of your queasy stomach and your shoe tapping away
you can see it in the way your muscles stiffen and your eyes become blank
you slowly start to succumb to these physical symptoms
       and slowly, you shut down
your hands cannot grasp your drink
your legs can no longer hold you up
your stomach cannot hold down this mornings breakfast
       and you tumble
       and it leaves a bruise on your forehead
       you mumble
    *will they notice?

You don’t make me sad
It’s those monsters in my head
That tell me hurtful rumors
About what one girl said

I listen and I wonder
How could someone say those things
When not a one is true
Yet look at the pain it brings

You don’t make me hate myself
It’s those words on that screen
The ones that say I’m *****
When I couldn’t be more clean

Cyber bullying is not a joke
Yet no one does a thing
They let it happen constantly
And I feel the pain that stings

You don’t make me give up on life
It’s the fists that give my bruises
I’m not strong enough for this life
My pain it bleeds and oozes

I tried to be brave
But this life just isn’t for me
I gave up on this life
And there’s no place I’d rather be

She was a lovely girl
Who cared so much for others
But the ones she cared for most
Are the ones that watched her suffer

Her bruises are visible
Her heart is broken in two
But no one did a thing
Because there was nothing we could do

Now the rumors are dead
The words are deleted from the screen
Her bruises are heeled up
And now she’s forever unseen

I’ve been injected with false hope so many times I can’t cope.