I had a secret... I keep it in... Mommy I... I think I'm lesbian. Thoughts rushed through her head. Gosh I wanted to be dead. Did you hear me mommy? Was she going to leave me. What was running through her mind. The silence lasting a long time. Finally she spoke, baby I think you need to go. Pack your bags and leave. But mom... No I can't have your perverted lifestyle influencing my normal children. Tears streaked my checks. I had tried so hard. Mommy accept me! Mommy love me!!! Remember when I was your baby? Back when people heard me? Goodbye mommy.

I am not sure.
Sure of who I am.
I feel distant again.
Uncontrollably far.
And growing farther.
Farther from reality.
All the pain.
And the world pushing down.
I'm screaming as the pain surfaces.
Everything reopening wounds.
I need my friend but can't bother her.
She's having a wonderful times.
I don't need to cause stress.

I am a lost boy
From never land
Usually hanging with Peter Pan.
Run run lost boy
They say to me
Away from all the reality
-Ruth B.

Little lost child,
the one I never saw smile,
Little lost child,
A baby the product of ****.
Yet a tiny angel who was to not exist
Young lost love,
I can still feel you now,
waiting to come back to me,
little lost child,
son, daughter,
child of the moon...
promise to come back to me. soon

Dance with me.
Leave me be!
Never loved you!
Honey what did I do?
I love you.
I need you.
Your my other half.
Forever.
**** that.
Forever.
Honestly I'd rather have never.
Bye.
Don't come to me and cry.
Just go away.
You've already killed me too many times.
I don't want you back ever.
Go away!
One day we will all wake up and it'll be a dream.

Late night talks.
Hot summer walks.
The things we said.
The fire we fed.
It burned ever so smooth and bright.
Emitted a dim beautiful light.
Her and I.
Our dreams.
Our goals.
Our future.
I think I'm in love with her.

I sit alone at lunch forcing myself to eat.
I know I have to eat.
If I don't keep food in my system I'll continue my downward slide.
Exhaustion
Pain
More exhaustion
More pain
Atleast the testing has begun.
They've already ruled out all minor things.
So from here forward I get to be poked again and again.

Your a good good father...
It's who you are. It's who you are!
I am loved by you.
It's who I am. It's who I am.
Your a good good father!

Math is killing me
Wasting me
It's taking my light
It is not right
F math

I have a history.
One that's not so easy to read.
Just like a book with every turn of a page.
You must cringe at what you see.
My past.
My present.
My future.
All have been ashes.
I'm not easy to read.
The words are all twisted.
All scary.
Some pages are torn up like my wrists.
There are reasons I never wear bikini bottoms in the summer.
Always shorts so people don't ask about the cuts and burns.
I wear tattoos to cover up scars.
Yeah my book is very tattered.
Very broken.
Falling apart even.
But my book reflects my life.
That's okay.

Frosty morning breeze.
Yet a sense of security.
Security when he is here.
Holding me,
Deep under the covers,
The cold couldn't touch us.

He was still asleep.
A warm unconscious face.
Careful not to wake.
Not to make a noise.

Just curl up close.
Feel his breath against my neck.
Warm and welcoming.
His arms still holding me tight.
This is how we lay most nights.

Ever so close.
Yet ever so far.
Five more months until her can hold me in such a way.
Five more months until life can truly begin.
Five more months until I can be with him.

Your orange fur.
Sleep now sweet boy.
You don't have to stay alive if it hurts.
I know it's hard.
You had good times.
Biting my feet when I tried to have tea in the morning.
Sleeping by me every night.
Chasing rabbits in dawns early light.
I've heard heavens real nice.
There's probably a lot of mice.
You were a sweet boy.
I love you.
I will always love you.
Bye my kitty boy.
Let go if u can't fight anymore.

At the beginning of the week I had money in my drawer.
No there is no more.
Stupid young man.
Can't control his hands.
Needed to search my room.
Looked for the green bills.
******* now I'm broke.
This is very sad.
My brother robbed me.

My eyes see pain in hers.
She's sad and I can't stand to see her this way.
Her hearts in pieces shattered day by day.
I'm sorry sweet girl.
Stay strong love.
I hope you know this is for you.
You will eventually find the one for you.
She or he will be loving and strong.
Making you happy when things go wrong.
They will hug you and everything will be okay.
The only person you want to stay. Sweet Emily,
I've been reading your poetry.
I'm sorry if I bother you.
Promise to stay strong for me.
You are absolutely amazing!
Someone will come along.
And then it will be easier for you to be strong.

My forever feels torn away.
My forever grows farther day by day.
The girl she is now.
The girl I am now.
Our worlds a thousand miles apart.
All based off of two hearts.
Hers and mine forever unified.
People try to cut us away.
Our hearts grow stronger each day.
A metal shield around them.
But still I find myself frightened.
The shield is possible to wither away.
The scratched and damages others have made.
The metal is slowly exposing our weak hearts.
Still strongly together.
Never apart.
If the metal leaves.
The shield holding us in place.
If our walls come down.
So do we.
Forever so far away.
My doubts all in the open.
Shield fell down.
Still the hearts in place.
Held tightly by her love for me.
Tighter than any man made shield.
We will be okay.
I love you babe...

My girlfriend is in middle school.
My grandma said that is an issue.
She had never approved.
Aproved of my homosexually tendencies.
She told me it was a sin a tragedy.
It's a sin.
Grandma you aren't even religious.
It doesn't matter you are still a sin.

Why is it we speak language. One uniformed form of speech. It's acceptable in society that's why.
Why is it if you can believe in a god that he still puts babies in the graves. Kids dying for illness everyday. Explain that.
Why is it that life quality still *****. I'm still here. Me and my bottomless bottles of pills.
Four of these. Two of these. One of that.
Why am I here.
Do I have purpose?
Maybe my purpose was to be a faint memory...
One to pass with the blowing leaves.
Either way i am here.
Either way I'm still clinging to life.
Pill by pill.
Medical ritual after ritual.
I am here.
Alive.

Such a sweet little girl.
How her hair falls into little twirls.
Spending hours each morning molding her body into perfection.
She isn't her reflection.
With my desperation to save her.
I no longer was my fathers daughter.
Hope u appreciate it.
Yeah stupid *****.
Can't believe I called you my sister.

I've never needed her more.
I've never wanted to open the door.
Letting people in.
Letting the voices win.
I'm weak right now.
Weaker than I've been before.
I need you.

It's a new year,
But the same old ******* scars.
It's a new year.
But the passing cars.
All blurs to me
Hey breath.
A new year with the same old ******* scars.
A new year
Still feeling really ******* far.
Far away.
From him
From her
From me.
Maybe it's a new year.
But still enough time to notice nobody ******* wants me  
No pain here.
Fight your tears.
No pain here
On this new year
With the same old ******* scars.
No pain.
Cover it with makeup.
But makeup cant hide
The bad luck
Sad ****.
Tear
Mascara running eyes.
Nobody cries.
Nobody cries here.
Slit your wrists move on with it.
A new year with the same old ******* scars.
A new year with the fake *** plastic cars.
In a fake world
Paper towns.
Alone
Nobody around.
It's your fault for being
Say
You,
My fault for breathing.
A new year.
The same old **** scares.
Isn't it bazaar.
You **** towards recovery
When all you ficking need is somebody
A family
Any thing.
Something.
Leave your legacy.
Bury it 6 feet under ground.
The only day they notice your not around.
When your dead.
Why dont they get it through there head.
Miss me when I'm gone.
But hey nobody cares till your gone.
Why did it get this far.
How did this go on?
Gotta be dead for them to see what's actually wrong.
A new year the same old ******* scars.

Night stars
Passing cars
They all go by as blurs
Lying here
Next to her
I felt at peace
As if nothing could ever come between us.
Her arm around me
face inches away from mine.
I could feel her breathing against my skin.
I love you I whisper as we lay her.
I can see her eyes in the dark.
Her beautiful blue-green eyes.
Staring into mine.
I love you too she whispers back.
At that moment I know exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Anywhere including her and me.
We are meant to be together.
Like the day with the night.
Without one there isn't balance.
Night must eventually go away for the sun to rise.
And the sun must go down for night to come around.
Together they work together creating a cycle.
A cycle of balance.
Without her my life would have no balance.
She is my night
I am her day.
Night stars...
Passing cars...
Always meant to stay...

Sweet girl...
Friends said I shouldn't talk to her.
Yeah she's slowly killing me.
Ripped my heart out for all to see.
Yet she holds it ever so gently.
Sweet Girl...
Talks about the other chick all the time.
Blocked me because she didn't want the chick to find.
That her and I were talking.
Sweet Girl...
I asked why she lets the one chick do that to her.
Why she can't move on.
She kept saying she needed something. Somehow I knew exactly what she means.
Sweet Girl. ..
You don't hold my heart as gentle anymore.
You kinda smashed it in a door.
Yeah this is how it feels to love someone who doesn't feel the same.
Sweet Girl...
I'm still sorry.
Sorry for doing everything.

That's what I identify as.
No longer as gay or straight.
I identify as nothing.
That's what I am.
Nothing to everyone.
Being nothing must make me something?
Wrong.
Being nothing means when you want to **** yourself you can't tell anyone.
You don't want to look like an attention seeker.
When you want to cut you can let a word out.
Don't let them see.
I am a nobody.
Nobody cares anymore.
Well nobody except maybe melody

Girls don't dress to please the eyes of creeps.  
Kids don't ask you to take away something that wasn't yours to take.
No means no.
So what if she wears shorts and tank tops?
She doesn't have a sign on her saying **** me.
She said no, NO MEANS NO.
I don't even get people anymore.
I don't understand humans.
******* creeps.
Why the hell would someone feel the need to do that after they said no?
It's all over the news.
Child kidnapped and rapped found dead...
Young lady kidnapped anyone have any information please call....
Young boy last seen with this man on...
Too often are these children and adults never seen again, alive atleast.
People don't ask to get kidnapped sure people make ****** decisions. Never once did they asked to be killed, *****, or abused.
So this goes out to all you out there who actually give a **** about this...
We need more people like you in the world. We need more people who care about issues like these.
And to all the victims...
   It was not your fault. Sure people may have made bad desisions, maybe had too much substances. Maybe you were forced into things you will never forget. Again you are stronger than you know. You survived that and are living now. A lot of people take for granted how good they have it. The people who take for granted never had people do things to them they didn't want done.

Button up shirts.
Never had I like skirts.
Grandma asks if I want to be male.
Dad thinks he created a fail.
I'm sorry I can't please you.
I've tried with everything I do.
Guess its not enough.
I've just got to deal with a lot of stuff.
I still want to be accepted.
Never once have I been neglected.
I was bullied for who I am.
People told me I would be ******.
I could care less.
So what if everyone thinks I'm a mess.
I'm trying the best I can.
To just be who I am.

Button up shirts.
Never had I like skirts.
Grandma asks if I want to be male.
Dad thinks he created a fail.
I'm sorry I can't please you.
I've tried with everything I do.
Guess its not enough.
I've just got to deal with a lot of stuff.
I still want to be accepted.
Never once have I been neglected.
I was bullied for who I am.
People told me I would be ******.
I could care less.
So what if everyone thinks I'm a mess.
I'm trying the best I can.
To just be who I am.

No one knew what is was like being unloveable.
No one knew what it was like being untouchable.
Not literally untouchable.
Just on the inside so stuck in the past that you can't breath.
Half of my panic attacks excist because of the past.
Past events that are out of my control.
And so worried about the future that I begin to lose hold.
So out of reach an untouchable.
I keep myself away from others so as not to feel the pain I've enflicted upon myself.

No words can sum up the pain.
The pain I've felt for years.
No words can unstain the blade.
The blade I've used for years.
No words can mend my heart.
The heart you've crushed for years.
No words can take away my breath.
The breath you've held for years.
Carefully watching my step.
The steps you've controlled for years.
Tears streaking down my face.
The face you've abused for years.
Bruises line my body.
The body you've hit for years.
No nothing can take away the pain.
The pain you have inflicted for years.

I become so numb,
I can't feel you there,
I become so tired so much more aware,
Striving to please you,
Mistakes in everything I do.
I know i may end up failing to,
But I know u were just like me with someone disappointed in you.
Breath my angel.
Don't cry my love.
Your safe here.

Me talking to humans is like an ostrich flying.
I talked to Rianna about this yesterday.
she told me I was an odd human.
I told her indeed very strange.
Stranger than most.
Then we talked. Very interesting conversation adopt the female kind and ostriches and flying.
All relating back to humans.
The only human I can talk to in person easily is Emily. I just have trouble approaching  her.
****...
That's really bad.
I can talk to someone but can't go up to them.
I can approach some girls but can't talk to them without stuttering.
Rianna approached me one day and randomly asked what's good?
I just stared blankly.
Felt like an idiot.
I can't talk!!!!!
Talking is not a talent that comes easy to me.
That's okay though.
I can observe.
It's okay.
I'm sure humans love me the way i am.
Even if I'm silence.
That's okay.
I'm okay.
For once in a long time I'm okay.
Don't know if it was the girl yesterday or a rush of mania.
Yes it could be mania.
Mania pushing me high.
This is where I'm dangerous.
I get mean when mania takes over me.
I change when mania holds me close.
Mania makes me social and unafraid because I have it to fear.
The effects it will have on me.
Mania strangles the depression then goes for me.
Mania is not good.

"That's the thing about pain... It demands to be felt."
-John Greene

Pain is inevitable.
Just like death you can't avoid it.
There is pain in sorrow.
There is pain in beauty.
There is pain in everything.
Even if it is the happiest moment it could still hurt.
You search and search for a painless event but you'll never find it.
The definition of inevitable is unavoidable.
There is no getting around it.
It will come into your life.
No matter how hard you try to block it out.
Pain is always there.
No matter what.

My skin was white.
Night and pale.
White as a ghost.
Yes at times I felt like a ghost.
Wandering aimless.
I am a ghost.
I am dead.
Yet still breathing.
I wander dead.
I am dead.
My skin is white.

There's a panda in my backpack
A panda in my backpack.
Yes there is a panda in my backpack.
A very interesting panda.
Very interesting panda.
There's a panda in my backpack...

Like a magazine model.
Oh darling what a doll.
Just like something cared of ice.
Indeed this girl was nice.
Annoying little *****.

Outside my window the night bangs.
Bangs against my walls.
Screams to let it in.
Come open your window.
Let the voices in to play.
After all we are just the screams of the rain.
The aim banged even more.
It wanted in and was becoming angry.
Let me in before I flood your house.
The rain in powerful and if you don't give it what it wants when it wants it will find a way to get it.
The rain is getting angrier.
It begins to shout in loud busts of thunder.
Let me in!
The thunder bashes against the house.
The rain gets what it wants.
Let me in!
The whole night it screamed.
Little sleep for myself.
The rain was happy about this.
I told you you'd pay if you didn't let me in.
The rain has been screaming for weeks.
More than likely will continue screaming.
Let me in!

So this is a poem for all the people out there.
The people who used to live like they didn't care.
The ones scared to speak up.
The ones who always felt like they messed up.
To all of you who have a history.
It's that story.
The one that makes up you.
Yeah there are very few.
Few similar.
Many who have walked down the road you went down.
The road you ran to when you felt like nobody else was around.
There was always someone who saw your pain when you cried.
Someone who would have stayed up countless nights.
Someone who let go of themselves to make sure your alright.
So this poem is for all the recovering people.
The ones who feel like they were lost.
Hopeless even.
Relying on drugs, achohol, ***, and other outlets.
Personal my Ive found that you can't always have those to rely on.
Eventually they are gonna be the reason you refuse to carry on.
You are all so important.
You are all so different.
However you wound up where you are today,
Know there is important in your history.
Everything you've ever done has led up to someone.
I know friends who have gotten past everything that used to drown them. I'm so freaking proud of them.

Rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself.
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath.
But never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind.
Until the night,
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger.

My hands burn.
Between two worlds I'm torn.
Stuck my heart in the fire.
I was swayed by desire.
Why the hell do I feel this way?
I hadn't even seen her before today.
What can she possibly mean to me?
Why is she all I can see?
She reminded me of my past.
What never had strength to last.
She provided the forever.
Only when she and I were together.

Running down the halls.
The dull white walls of those crazy halls.
Yes I was mid mania.
Screaming!
I should have been ashamed.
Then again it wasn't me who took the blame.
I needed to let loose.
I needed to Scream!!!
So I ran down the halls.
The white dull halls of Willow trees.
Yes I was there for five or so months.
Way more than the expected 90 days.
I was running.
The staff told me to calm down.
But I can't and I'm not hurting anyone.
I rannnnnn!!!!
Screaming!!!!
The hall Tecs stared.
I laugh.
Then later I leave my mania behind.
I lay in front of the blue doors and wait for the boys to come back from dinner.
Travis would be with them.
He was like a brother.
I lied by the blue doors.
Depression swept over me.
It was the mania dropping me down.
Meds were late.
I went and found Sammy.
She was my crush.
She had a beautiful voice and was like family.
We all were family

My spaniel puppy lays on my feet.
I'm at home comfortable under my blue blanket.
It's a soft blue blanket probably one of my favorite possessions.
The spaniel puppy is warm and soft.
She keeps my cold body warm.
She knows something is wrong.
She's worried too.
Everyone's worried.
Lately my body has been caving.
Sicker and sicker I grow and I'm unable to cure this sickness.
My body refuses to fight it.
Over two weeks now what should be a common cold has made me miserable.
No I'm not contagious.
I have to sit out during sport activities because my lungs can't take that kind of activity.
My lungs aren't necessarily the best at being lungs.
They don't want to breath in air.
They feel like they are suffocating.  
It's an interesting feeling.