she's begging to be set free,
begging to be released into the world of love, lust, desire.
begging to be liberated from the steel bars that her ribs have become.
her heart, longing to feel more than numbness,
longing for passion,
longing for tenderness that she had never understood.

to know the story behind the eyes of he who will shove her feeble heart back into her dungeon of desolation.

Do you go to bed thinking about her?
Do you wake up hoping she's still awake for you to talk to?
Do you get excited when you talk to her?
Does she make you happy?
Do you think about her when you’re with your friends?
Do you want to talk to her always?
Do you wish she was sleeping there next to you?
Do you wish you could cuddle with her and hold her?
Do you care about her as much as you said you cared about me?
Do you love her?

As he kissed her forehead,
He heard her thoughts yell out
"I love you."
And even though he said otherwise,
His thoughts yelled out the same.

The last time she said "I love you"
there was silence.

He said nothing.

And with the nothing he said, her world came tumbling down even further than it had already been.
He manipulated her,
He used her,
He disrespected her,
He belittled her.

He hurt her time and time again, but she was so in love with the idea of love that she kept coming back for more.
She didn't care that he didn't care about her.
She craved his touch, she craved his affection, and she would get it.
Only to be pushed away one final time, and realize love wasn't all it was made out to be.

The last time she said "I love you"
the silence broke her.

No wonder she's afraid of saying it to you.

I want you to be happy
But I want you to be happy with me
But I want you to want to be happy with me
Like I want to be happy with you

Don't ever let a boy trick you into falling in love.
Don't ever let a boy trick you into falling in love.
Don't ever let a boy trick you into falling in love.

If you cared, you wouldn't have left me so abruptly.
But you did.
So you don't.

When I looked into his eyes, I saw an incredible blue green ocean of a human being.
A human being who cared.
A human being who no matter what, would always be there.
When I looked into his eyes, I saw a beautiful iris full of thoughts and desires, begging to be let out into the free world.
Gentle thoughts.
Pleasant thoughts.
Desires that would make me jump with glee.
I saw beauty.
I saw passion.
I saw a man, who was as strong as a lion but soft as a flower.
A man who could protect me.
A man who could laugh with me.
A man who could love me.
I saw a stunning picture of him and I, smiling, holding each other as we did, being so comfortable.
So happy.
He was the man who cared.
But now he’s the man who left.
When I look into his clear, grey tinged eyes, I see a boy.
A little boy.
A little boy who hides from the truth.
A little boy who will lie to you.
Who will tell you what you want to hear, so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences,
Though he has no issue telling others.
A little boy who left you alone out in the cold, because he felt that he was responsible for keeping you warm,
And that was too much to ask from him.
Even after months of you saying to him that you were fine on your own.
That you didn’t need help.
Prince Charming turned out to be the villain.
That beautiful man was a lie all along.
He never really cared.
Because if that man who cared about me so much was true,
It wouldn’t matter that we broke up 9 months ago.
He wouldn’t leave me in the dark, while he soaked up the light.
It wouldn’t matter if we decided to stay friends, or if we decided to leave each other.
He would still care.
It wouldn't matter that we did decide to stay friends.
He wouldn’t feel as if it were a responsibility to care about me.
He just would.
And that man who he was before, seemed like he genuinely did.
But  just like everything else, that was a lie too.

You never used to inspire me to write.
When I met you, I wished so badly that my writer's block would disappear and I could compose a poem of all the feelings I had for you.
But you know what they say,
Be careful what you wish for.
Because now I can't stop.

Now, the thought of you is so inspiring that all I want to do is write and write and write and write and write and write and write.
Your gorgeous tan skin and bright blue-green eyes force my fingers on the keys to keep going, until my nails are broken and my fingertips are raw.

You never used to make me feel creative.
What happened?

I fell in love.
I dove into the lake of love, heart first,
not realizing that I would never escape it.
I didn't want to escape the canal boat floating down the river of devotion so smoothly.

I should've gotten out when I could.

Little did I know that a shark lingered in that river.
A Great White Shark, ready to lunge at my exposed heart, that rested on my sleeve.
Although what I realize now is,
Sharks only live in the ocean.
The stinging pain in my chest isn't an aquatic beast.
It's love itself,
Trying to rip my heart from my chest and tear it to pieces, before my very eyes.

Love.
The destructive force that tricked me into falling for its lies.
Its promises of joy and happiness,
devotion and fondness.
The infatuation and lust that love guaranteed was all a ploy.
A ploy to catch me in its web, waiting for the spider itself to eat me alive.

You never used to inspire me to write.
But now you're my muse.
I wish I was smarter than this.
I wish I didn't fall in love with your kind heart and your gentle soul.
But remember, be careful what you wish for.
Because maybe, if I hadn't wished in the first place,
My heart wouldn't be so heavy,
And my hands wouldn't be numb from writing endless insignificant love letters to you.

A flood of guilt just rushed through my veins, practically drowning me in the emotion.
I stopped in my tracks, realizing what I had just done.
I had just jeopardized everything.
I knew how I felt towards you, but now I knew that it didn’t matter how much I tried to convince you.
At this point, after doing what I did, there was no chance you would ever take me back.
And that stung.
I felt like a bee had just jabbed its stinger into the scrapes caused by the ton of bricks that had just fallen on top of me.
There was no way out of this mess I made for myself. But the saying goes, you make your bed, you lie in it.

I made that bed in May.
I made that bed when my idiotic self went back to the guy who tried to breakdown my relationship, and eventually reached his goal.
I’ve been sleeping in the bed of thorns that was once made of roses, for the past four months, and I’m sick of it.
I can’t go on feeling like I’ve shattered the glass that is my heart, even though that is exactly what I did.
I didn’t realize what an incredible person I had, until they were gone.
It took me a day or two, but by the time I fully realized what I had lost, it was too late.

Much that once was, was lost.
My emotions that suddenly roared back to life in my brain, had dulled in yours, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I couldn’t kiss you back to life, the way it happens in Disney movies.
I couldn’t talk my way out of the situation, like I do when I don’t do my homework.

It was more complicated than that.
It wasn't just me anymore.
There was a whole other person, who’s feelings had to be taken into consideration.
And at that moment, I understood.
I could comprehend that you weren’t into it anymore.

But now, it's different.
It's different in the way that I can’t handle this anymore.
I’ve tried to make it seem like I don't care anymore.
I’ve been with other guys.
But it just feels wrong.
I miss you.
And you need to know that, as soon as possible.
You need to know that I care.

I care so much that I can’t bare to see you with Mary Jane every chance you get.
I care so much that I cant contain my smile every time I notice you in a crowd.
I care so much that hugging you has the potential to
Make.
My.
Day.
Maybe that sounds crazy, but at this point, I care so much that I don’t even care.

Even though I miss you, I still would rather you as a friend than nothing at all.
But wanting you as a friend doesn’t mean that the part of me wishes there were more doesn't exist.
A part of me- a big part of me wishes for nothing but to go back to the night of semi-formal, when I realized that I had feelings for you.
I wish I could go back to that night, when I came into the kitchen and you stopped mid sentence. I wish you would look at me the way you looked at me that night, again.
I wish I could go back to the night you asked me out, and relive it over again too.  To hear you say, "My god, you're so beautiful," just once more.
I wish I could go back in time to the night we cuddled in that bed, or the day of our first kiss.
I wish so badly that I could go back to being able to wrap my arms around your neck and pull you close, to kiss your soft lips again, even if it was just for a moment.

That part of me aches when I see you.
I feel it.
I feel it all the time.
I feel it when I see you, and I feel it right now.
It’s the left side of my chest, filled with anxiety and care and emotion and love.
It’s my heart.
My beating heart that I’m so glad still is beating because I would miss you if it wasn’t.

I would miss seeing your eyes light up when you get intrigued.
I would miss the overwhelming scent of your cologne whenever I see you, and how it takes so much out of me to keep up with you when we’re walking, because your legs are so much longer than mine.
I would miss talking to you, hearing your philosophies and views on life.
I would miss everything.
And I do miss everything, because right now, my heart feels numb.

But when I’m with you, it beats a mile a minute.
It’s like you’re the trigger to my heart that sets off the wild butterflies in my stomach, and the dizziness in my head.
I can barely focus around you anymore, because all I want is to lay next to you and breathe.
I couldn’t care if it was silent or if there was no dead air.
Because I would be with you, and that’s all that matters.

I would give anything to lay next to you on your John Doe scented sheets,
and stare up at your white pop corn ceiling.
I usually don't like pop corn ceilings.
But when its yours, it doesn't matter.
Because I like you, and that's all that does.

It's funny because she always thought they would have the perfect ending to the perfect love story.

It started with a boy who cared but didn't love,
who made it seem like she was his whole world, but in reality she was just a pea on his plate of opportunities.
He broke her heart, and the new boy was there to put it back together.
It started with a kiss.
One tiny magical peck on the lips in the end of ninth grade that started it all.
From that day on, she was hooked.
His alluring persona and overwhelming scent engulfed her as his arms did when she saw him.
Their caring ways attracted one another, but at the wrong time.

So they waited.
A summer passed. An autumn passed. A winter passed.
He had been with other girls, and she had been with other boys,
but they always came back to one another.
Soon the spring showers started to roll around, and the two got close again.
She was interested in someone else, while the boy admired her beauty from afar.
He was entranced. Captivated by her innocent affection for the other guy, who didn't know the definition of caring.
It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair to him that she was so involved with someone else that she couldn't notice the boy that was right in front of her.
It wasn't fair that she was trapped in his web of lies, but wouldn't listen when she was told the truth.
She was bewitched by the fellow's spell, while the boy's seat belt was fastened around him, not letting him escape from her enticement.

Eventually, she started to see it.
The true colours of the web spinning spider started to peek through, while she noticed the light radiating off of the boy who's one desire was her.
After falling asleep on the phone for multiple weeks, she started to see it.

The boy asked her to the spring dance, and she agreed.
They got ready together, but she wouldn't let him see her until she was done.
When she was, she strolled into the kitchen where he was sat, and he stopped in his tracks.
He stood up abruptly, his hands on her waist, mesmerized by her elegance.
They arrived at the dance together, staying with one another for most of the night, where most of their feelings grew stronger.

Days later, after the continuous midnight philosophical phone conversations, he finally built up the courage to ask her to be his.
She agreed with no hesitation, elatedness filling her to the brim, practically spilling out of her as she saw him the next day.

Their first kiss during their relationship was enchanting.

It set the wonderful romantic tone of their relationship, that lasted only a mere two months.
A sheer two months before she went back to the toxic snake who took advantage of her kindness.
The boy was hurt. He was hurt that after all they had been through, she still went back to that monster, who he knew would just destroy her again.

But he was wrong.
What destroyed her was the realization.
The realization that even though the relationship was over, her feelings were far from gone.

It was hardest when she saw him go back to the girl he was with during the fall,
But just for one night.

Summer passed.

She was still furiously in love with him, but he had moved on.
There was not a trace of emotion left for her in his body.
No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't find love for her in any small fibre of his being.

He was done.

And she was crushed.

It hurts.
It hurts so much to see you in the halls
to see those piercing eyes and gorgeous smile
directed at her.

His soft lips pressed against mine as his strong hands gripped onto my hips.
His hands erased the finger prints you left on my body as he started to feel me.
Your scent was forgotten by my memory as his gathered around me, engulfing me in the intense, manly smell.
My thoughts of you vanished as my mind was flooded with memories of him.
My only focus was him and his body.
His lips.
His hands.
His everything.
He felt so good.
Better than you ever could.
His lust pulled me from your games.
You thought you were in control.
You thought you would win.
But you were wrong.
You lost the game.
And you lost me too.

You'll only understand in my dreams.

Sometimes words just come out of me.
And sometimes they fit together,
But sometimes they're just the broken puzzle pieces that make up my life.

Winter never meets summer.
Summer never meets winter.
You've all found someone better.
she has him and her.
she has her and him and her.
he has her and her, who I wish he didn't have because I'd prefer it if he had me.
he has everyone under his spell.
she has her and her.
she has her and him.
Everyone has someone better.
And I have no one.

I'm sorry for thinking that you didn't love me anymore.

Do you ever feel like
People are just annoyed at the fact that you exist?

You handed me hope like it was a gift from god.
But you tore it straight from my fingertips the second I needed it.

Ever since birth, she's been your little song bird.
She'd sit on the foot of your bed and sing to you as you fell asleep at night.

Even when you're angry with her, she'll make you happy by singing you a song.

Even when you're disappointed in her, she'll gain your faith by singing you a song.

Even when you yell at her, she'll gain your forgiveness by singing you a song.

Even when you disagree with her, she'll compromise by singing you a song.

Even when she's battered and scarred, and broken and crushed by life itself, and is aching for the freedom she so desperately needs,
She'll always sit at the foot of your bed like she did ten years ago, and be your little song bird.

My bible is the lyrics of the song
My dance is the movement of the melody in the song.
My language is the distinct sound of each note playing in the air of the song.
My oxygen is the tone of the voice.
My emotions are the pace of the breath in the song.
My love is the writer of the song.
My life is a song.
And my religion is the music.

I think I'm crazy when I count how many words I've written,
but I can't tell if I can't count, or if I'm just too exhausted to see.
When finally, all of the sleepless nights and tiring days catch up to me.
When I fall asleep in class because I can't fall asleep at home.
What if someone is in my house?
What if someone breaks into my house?
What if I don't wake up again?
When I actually contemplate going to sleep, because I don't want to wake up the next morning.
I want to take a chance and see what will happen, because I'm sick of waiting and I'm sick of being scared.
When my fear of what happens in the night while I'm not awake stops me from closing my eyes for more than five seconds,
Not allowing me to enter my peaceful world of dreams where all I dream about is that first kiss with you,
Even though
I know that it will never happen.
But then it catches up to me.
It hits me when I least expect it.
The warm wave of exhaustion covers me like my blanket does to my sleepless body at night.

You were gone,
And it was the time that I needed you most.

Lifeless and tired,
my body raises from my seated position,
dragging my heavy feet with gentle footsteps into the washroom.
The cupboard is clear.
Free of any medication that will numb the pain for an hour or two.
But it's only an hour or two.
For an hour or two I'd be emotionless.
For an hour or two, I'd be sitting in my room, staring at the wall,
unable to write or even to think.
But after that hour or two,
the pain would be back.
It would rush into my body faster than I could ever rush my body in front of a car
It wouldn't bother to creep up on my innocent soul, readying itself to pounce.
It would just speed into me, slamming its breaks after I've been hit, only to make sure that I've been affected, before continuing its journey through my body.
My body that's been drained from all emotion would suddenly **** alive, feeling the burning venom of the pain searing through my veins.
What happened to the blood pumping through me, keeping me alive?
Oh right, it's gone, because so am I.

I love you a lot.
Whether you do or don't have hair,
Whether you weigh 90 lbs or 200 lbs,
Whether you get straight A's or straight D's,
Because in the end,
None of that matters.

What really matters is what's inside.
How much you care about people,
And everything around you.
How loving, and sweet you are,
To everyone.
Whether you know them or not.

So when I tell you I love you,
Know that your outside is super cute too,
But it's the inside that I love.
It's your inside that is my favourite.
And by inside I don't mean your intestines,
I mean your heart. <3

That moment when you just feel so alone and unwanted that you basically beg to let the tears roll down your cheeks but can't bare to let them.
That moment when you just wish the ground would swallow you up and let you be alone.
The time when everyone is together except you and you feel so unwelcome that you just leave.
When you're in a room full of people but you feel an empty breeze and barely notice the looks on people's faces because you're too lonely to look at them.
That moment when people think you're a snob because they're too intimidating for you to talk to.
When they think you're stuck up because you never strike up a conversation, yet they can't either.
That moment when you just feel unneeded by the world and finally think about really leaving.

I can't wait to get the **** out of this place.

You chase after me as I run towards the light.
You're panting, worrying where my rushing body is headed.
You catch up to me and pause abruptly.
Your jaw drops in awe, gaping at the sight before you.
You see myself, in a white dress, skipping through the field of sunflowers and daisies.
You walk over to me, grasping my hand and smiling at me.
I look at you with a grin and point to a particular daisy on the ground.

"I love that one." I say quietly.

"So pick it up." You respond.

I shake my head quickly.

"Why not?" You ask.

"Because when you love something, let it be. For love is a feeling, not a possession."

"Oh." You reply.

"That's why I've never kissed you. Just because I love you doesn't mean that I need to have you." I shrugged.

Your eyes widen in shock, never having never heard me say those words before.

"But I need to have you," you whisper, gently tilting my head up to reach yours kissing my lips ever so softly and gently.

My heart beats fast,
Hoping this feeling will last,
Remembering the last time,
That your lips were on mine.
Even if it was just a dream.

When you put your arms around me,
And you told me that you loved me.
Your voice, so sweet.
The comforting beat, of your heart distracting me.
Even if it was just a dream.

When I lay down at night,
And I shut my eyes,
Your face is all I see.
Even in my sleep.
Your big brown eyes, sparkling smile,
It's everything I need.
Even in my dreams.

Being alive and living are two very different things.

What do you do
When writing becomes a coping mechanism,
But you can't put your feelings into words?

How do you write when there's nothing to write about?
When there are so many things to say,
And so many things to think,
But you just can't put it into words.

Writer's block is like an enemy.
The inability to phrase your emotions,
Or describe the citrus-y, vibrant taste of the orange you're eating.
The inability to write about your day,
Or express your concerns through the beauty of words.

How am I supposed to cope,
When this block is in my way?
How am I supposed to cope,
And get through every day?

Those moments where you've been so sad for so long,
And the little happiness you have has to be challenged.
When you feel, but you're not allowed.
Religion doesn't matter.
Belief doesn't matter.
Because the only thing that matters to me,
Is happiness.

I was.. Wrong.
I thought you didn't care anymore.
I thought that because you didn't talk to me as much, you didn't want me.
But maybe what we needed was a break.
A break so we could take a breather.
After all, they do say that
Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Somewhere over the rainbow,
Maybe you'll understand.

You say that you love me.
But I know it isn't true.
For you only say you love me,
Because I say that I love you.

Why do you pretend to love me?
Why do you pretend to care?
Don't you know that it hurts,
Because now, you're never there.
You're never there to talk to,
Or see,
Or hug,
Or love,
You're gone.
You lied.
You don't love me anymore.

I'm done believing that you love me.
I'm done.
I'm done believing that you care about me.
I'm ******* done.
And I'm ******* done treating you like my everything when you don't even talk to me.
I'm done, until you actually start showing it.
Until your actions actually add up to your words, I don't trust you with my heart anymore.

I remember a time,
Where I didn't know right from wrong.
Where I would wear an orange top with a bright green skirt, because I liked it.
Where I didn't know how much people would be worth to me.
A time when everything was simple.
Pure.
A time when I didn't know of crime,
And I thought the entire world was the country I lived in.
The only people in the world were my family and my other little friends and teachers.
I had a cat,
And I loved her dearly,
I never knew that one day I wouldn't have her anymore.
I had a grandfather,
And I loved him dearly,
I never knew that one day I wouldn't have him anymore, either.
I would pick up dandelions,
And place them carefully in my hair, behind my ear.
Because they were pretty.
I remember a time when everything was sweet,
No tears, unless I fell off a swing and scraped my knee.
There was no sorrow.
No tomorrow.
Only today.
It was simple, it was sweet.
I was innocent.

They say to let you go,
But what they don't realize is that I can't.
I can't rid my heart of the beauty of you.
I can't rid my mind of the kindness of your heart.
Even though you hurt me.
Letting you go, and losing you would hurt so much more than not being replied to by you, because I love you.
And I can't lose you.
I guess I'm choosing my fate, to hurt every day of the week,
But it's worth it, to know that you love me.

When you put your hand over your closed eye,
And you can feel your eye moving underneath your heavy fingers,
It reminds me of the fact that my brittle heart can still beat,
Under the weight of the thick venom all around it.

I hate you because I love you too much.
But I love you too much to ever hate you.
So I take it back.
But at the same time I don't.

You were attracted to me.
You came CLOSE to wanting me.
Why didn't you get there?
Why didn't you explore those attractions and lustful thoughts?
I would've if I knew you didn't mind.
And I sure didn't mind.
How did you come CLOSE to wanting to love me and hold me and touch me?
How close did you come?
How far away were you?
Was there anything I could've done to pull you closer?
Was there something I did to push you away?
You say, "but now I'm just not attracted"
Did you just wake up one day and think differently?
Did you just flip a switch and not want to love me the way you almost did?
I have so many questions for you.
But I'll never ever be able to ask them.

I hate you.
Because I love you.

I feel like I can't talk to you anymore.
It's the first time I've spoken to you in a week and that hurts.
It hurts that you haven't sent me a text since Sunday.
Have I not even crossed your mind?
Because you were on mine every second of every minute of every hour of every day.
I feel so awkward.
I want to tell you I miss you and I love you and it hurts that you haven't thought of me.
But I can't.
I can't tell you how I feel.
I can't tell you anything anymore.
Because it feels like you don't want to hear it.

Just give me you for a minute,
And I promise I'll try to be happy.

I can't stop crying.
I don't know how I have any tears left.

I miss how we used to be.
I miss when I could talk to you comfortably.
I miss when we cuddled and kissed each other's cheeks.
I miss when you put your hand on my thigh and rubbed it softly.
I miss when I felt your stubble on my ear when you spoke
I miss when we were us.
I miss when we could sit in silence
I miss when you loved me as much as I love you
But that all had to change.
I still miss it, though.

"Babyyyyyy"
"I love you a lot."
"I just want to see you :c"
"Babe I miss you"
"I said no to every other girl, but maybe to you, because you're really sweet"
"You're such a cutie"
"Dude"
"I don't want to lead you on"
"I don't want to ruin our friendship, because it's so great"
"I just don't feel the same way"
"You're not my type"
"You're like a sister to me."
"You're gorgeous and more attractive than most girls your age, but I'm just not attracted to you"
"I'm sorry"
"I don't want to hurt you"
*doesn't talk to me for four days

My body slowly wakes, taking a deep breath of oxygen to fill my lungs.
I try to reach my arms up to wipe my eyes, but my right arm doesn't move,
Because it's under your arm.
I slowly realize that I am engulfed in your body.
Your arms around me, on my waist, and tangled in my hair.
Your precious, sleeping face so beautiful.
Your fluttery eyelashes leaning against your cheeks,
Your hair in front of your forehead,
Your lips pursed the tiniest bit,
Your nostrils moving ever so slightly when you breathe.
Peacefully, your eyes flutter open, and your lips tug into a smile when you see me.
Your arm secures tighter on my waist, while your other hand softly rubs my back.
Our heads lean in, and our lips touch, ever so softly.
As soon as they move, you start to disappear.
You fade and fade and fade and fade, until you're gone.
There's no arm on my waist, no hand on my back or in my hair,
No eyelashes on your cheek,
Because your body is no longer there.
I am alone.

I wish,
You could wish,
For the wish of me,
To be in your arms,
The way I wish,
To be in them.