when you see me, a girl with tan skin but her parents are black and white, what do you think?

do you instantly assume that my dad wasn't there? if you do, you'd be correct. do you think about whether or not i've witnessed violence? in and outside of the home? if you do, you'd be correct. do you think that i had to help with the bills because my single mother couldn't scavenge enough money to pay them by herself and no one would help her? if you do, you'd be correct.

truth is, i've never even considered being the definition of a stereotype. ever. people have always called me a "half-breed", a "*******", and infamously a "******" even though the hard r wasn't always pronounced. i've never been offended by their words though, my mom has taught me to have tougher skin than that.

i've always been a stereotype, though. i guess in some people's eyes that's all i am. a young girl living up to her background.

but the thing is, i know that i'm worth more than their insults, assumptions, thoughts, and doubts. i'm going to be more than a stereotype one day. mark my words.

i've searched near and far for you,
i've found very few.

you come at night,
sometimes you even give me a fright.

sometimes in the middle of the day,
when i'm trying to keep my peace at bay.

you've never helped me;
yet i still need you
because you help me breathe.

it's back.
i'm back to my old ways.
i'm back into not loving myself.
i'm back into hating how i look.
i'm back into not understanding why i'm here.
i'm back into the old me.
i don't wanna be, but i am.
welcome.

i never thought i’d be so blessed.
sometimes it still feels as if i’m the little pest.

you’re the greatest thing to happen to me, boy blue.
you taught me something brand new.

you taught me love and patience.
something i had already thought i understood.

but everything is different with you,
i think about you with everything i do.

because i do this for you,
whether you see it or not.

for you, boy blue,
there’s very few things i wouldn’t do.

if you love me so much,
why do you keep leaving me?

is what i asked people in my grade today, including teachers.

what i got surprised me.

i got a lot of " you're a sarcastic little *****, love you though"
i would just laugh it off. even though i wished that they knew that do that for a reason. it's all an act.

i got a " you're really cool and i wish i hung out with you more."
i didn't really respond to that one since i didn't like the person. i just told her " i don't like you, please don't hang out more." i'm blunt, sorry.

i got a " your sense of humor is extremely distinctive and that's rare. i wish i had that at your age." from my reading teacher.

but i think the most important one was from my best friend.

" you saved me before you even knew i was suicidal, just by calling me and asking i was okay because you knew something was off. truth is, i was writing my suicide notes that day, you stopped me. i love you, alexa marie."

i cried and hugged her with everything in me.

i love that girl and if she went through with it i think i would've died myself.

i can feel it,
you’re slowly going your own way.

you’re going to leave,
but that’s okay.

i’ve accepted the fact that you’re not always going to be with me,
i just didn’t expect it to happen this quickly.

i love you, though,
no matter what.

it’s okay for you to go,
no matter how deep it cuts.

it’s you.
the forbidden one that i’ve always been told is bad for me.
it’s you.

you are the reason i’ve hit my rock bottom.
my mother tells me i’m not the same.
i wish i could hit rewind back to autumn.

before i ever got addicted.
i never would’ve even considered you.
it’s almost as if this whole thing was scripted.

call me crazy but i don’t think i’ll ever get over you.
you’ve taken too much control.
i wish this whole situation wasn’t true.

i’m addicted to a drug.
but the drug is a human,
and the human is you.

last night i begged and pleaded with you for hours,

tried telling you that i deserved to bloom like a flower.

i’ve never asked you to save me,

but now i’m asking you nicely.

please, let me be happy,

and please, i beg of you, let it be for me.

amen.

i never felt the need to say it
but it’s time to bid aideu.

you made me feel things
almost as if you unleashed a zoo

i miss you sometimes
but then i remember what you turned into

you treat me
as if i’m a shoe

you wear me out until you can’t anymore
but you can’t return me to the store

as much as you try,
i’ll never be who i was before.

with this,
i say goodbye and thank you

i hope one day
you stop acting how you do

“home isn’t a place. home is a person,” has never felt so true.

the only thing that i can think about is you.

i’m sorry for ruining it. it was me, not you, as cliche as that sounds.

i want to go home.

if i fall in love with you,, your name will forever be embroidered in my mind like that time when you had your first kiss. with someone who wasn't me.

if i fall in love with you,, i will constantly feel the heat rising to my cheeks when i'm not even remotely close to you,, but when you glance in my direction. probably not even looking at me. like when its hot outside and you can feel your whole body getting warm.

if i fall in love with you,, you should feel like you won a prize. no,, a gold medal. because my ******* trust issues barely ever let me trust people meanwhile fall in love with them.

if i fall in love with you,, you should feel like you got the last pretzel at the pretzel stand. because i am someone who doesn't date. who doesn't fall in love. who doesn't like people.

if you fall in love with me,, i won't believe you. because my insecurities come into play. my trust issues come into play. i have so many ******* problems that i'll think that once you see behind the mask i put on,, on. a day to day basis you'll leave me. and i dont need to be left again.

if you fall in love with me. if i fall in love with you. do not use me. do not leave me with no reason behind it. please dont get offended by what i say,, 99.9 percent chance im kidding when i say it.

if you fall in love with me. if i fall i love with you. be loyal. be honest,, even if it hurts. be kind. show sympathy. be a nice person. deal with my sarcasm and bitchiness.  deal with me.

the feeling of emptiness fills my chest
watching it play out on my screen

the sound of laughter echoes
and all i want to do is scream

a simple, "hey, wanna hang?" would've sufficed
but recording the fun we have seems pretty nice

"we were thinking of you the whole time"
you uttered when confronted

such *******
the chills ran up my spine

i hate this feeling
i want it to go away

maybe i just have to start leaving
the ones who hurt me today

being alone makes me realize that i’ve never actually ‘dealt with it’

sure, i’ve had good days but when it comes down to it; i go to bed at night, and i think. i think about what we could’ve been if we never stopped. maybe i overreacted?

but then i remember, you’ve done nothing but backstab people. you’ve done nothing but hurt. i was nothing but good to you and you still repaid me with breaking my heart and my trust.

so ******* for ever making me happy and making me believe that you cared. because you never did, and that’s something i have to deal with.

if you have scars on your body, stretch marks on your sides,
i will make sure you know that i love you for them.
because, they are a part of you, and anything that has anything to do
with you infatuates me.

your freckles make you so much better. don't hate yourself for them.
dont think that just because i don't have them means that i don't want them. they've always interested me, so they just make me more interested in you.

every single part of you infatuates me, interests me, makes me fall even more in love with you.

even your imperfections.

i'm sorry that i couldn't save you, save myself.
i'm sorry that i'm imperfect.
i'm sorry that i'm negative.
i'm sorry that i'm not you.
i'm sorry that i'm me.

it's the little things about you that make me go crazy.

like the way you bite your lip when your nervous or flustered. or when you laugh you cover your mouth because you hate your smile.
i love it. it proves that you're happy.

but you can be sad. you can be putting a fake smile on just to please others. you can be hurting but not want others to.

you need to understand that, you're not gonna be happy all the time. you're not going to to be able to please people all the time. you can't stress yourself over nothing. you can't always look outside the box.

you can't always focus on the big things. sometimes the little things are the best things.

My biological "father" is currently in jail. I cut him out of my life.

My mother raised me. I'm glad she's in my life.

My grandfather who I call my father raised me but died when I was 5. I'm angry he's not in my life.


What I'm saying here is that I lost my "father" to drugs and alcohol. But I lost my father due to cancer.

is a thing that i'm pretty sure i've felt before.

dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.
the formula of love.

you can easily get it in a science lab but overdose on it and you can get schizophrenia, extreme paranoia, and/or insanity.

think about it, you can get a lot of horrible things diagnosed if you overdose on love.

love; The most spectacular, indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you’re in love, you always want to be together, and when you’re not, you’re thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

^ the meaning of love according to the urban dictionary.

if you love someone then please know that you love that person because you could easily be in love with the thought of being in love.

note; loving love is not love.

why is it that i can only really remember the bad ones?
i can still remember good ones but the bad overpowers them.

like that one time when me, my mom, and dad went to go get taco bell and when we came back they started arguing and let's just say that the car we were in didn't last very much longer.

or when my grandpa died. or my great- aunt. that was the first time i cried at a funeral.

good memories, let's see.

my recent florida trip. we also lost my family while there so i don't know about that.

my camping trip two years ago. i also had an asthma attack there so, never mind.

what i'm saying here is that your brain for some reason makes the bad memories stand out more and when you do have good memories you also have the bad ones in them.

i don't think i've truly accepted the fact that the people around me affect me so greatly. i am not me because of me; i am me because of my past and my present.

none of us are purely ourselves. we have our own opinions and our own way of seeing and wording things but we are all different pieces of different people put together.

maybe my thoughts are overwhelming me. maybe i'm looking too deep into things. all i know is that i don't really know me. i guess no one truly does.

i still check in on you after months of not having talked to you.

i'm still trying to break the habit of texting you after a really hard day.

people tell me about how you posted yourself crying on your story and i have to fight the urge to ask you if you need someone to rant to.

i miss talking to you and hearing about how your day was.

i miss you.

but i'm okay for now.

my fathers back, and i know what ur thinking,"shouldn't you be excited?" and the answer to that would be yes, if he didn't hurt me. if he didn't constantly leave me for people to mistreat me for things that eat me up inside.

he should probably know that by now, and i think he does but just let's it happen instead of letting it happen for now.

now you're probably like why are you saying,"now?" well the answer to that will be, because him and his problems and his issues will not stop me and will not drag me down. not now not ever.

it takes seventeen muscles to smile.
it takes forty three muscles to frown.
if it takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile,
then why does it take so much more effort to smile when you're sad?
or to smile in general?

the truth is
i'm terrified. absolutely petrified. people think i'm ******* depression personified.
the truth is
i'm just as hurt as you, if not more. you shouldn't have lured me here. i'm sad and don't know what to do.
the truth is,
all i want is you to hug me and whisper in my ear "it's all going to be okay." and for it to be true someday.

i hope that one day i'll be able to say that i'm finally over you and the heartache that you caused and continue to make me feel

you treated me like ****, even in my moments of weakness and the fact that it took such a toll on me that it made me want to change myself for some ******* like you makes me feel nothing but disappointment in myself

because fact of the matter is, you have never and will never deserve someone like me

and i can only hope that you get what you deserve.

been through too much,

dealt with too little.

i'm overwhelmed. overworked. under appreciated.

the work of people like her goes unnoticed. she feels as if everyone's under the spell of a lotus. all she wishes is that everyone could focus.

focus on the ups and the downs. the ins and the outs.

the work of people like her goes unnoticed.

im sad.
i dont know why. i dont even know if theres a reason.
i wish i did so i could make it stop.

i've never understood love,
its always seemed like a tug-of-war.

why even fall
if only one walks through the door?

people lie
and people cheat

i guess that's the reward
for thinking love is cheap

it hurts.

i don’t know what but i can feel it.

all the time,
everyday,
non-stop.

i get that voicing your opinions and making sure that they're heard is huge thing that has to happen. but it's mostly for today's generation because whenever we try to speak we get talked over. we get backlash. we get " no they're older, wiser. they're right, just let it be. "

but it doesn't matter if you're older. it matters if you're respectful. it matters if you have enough patience to listen to what others have to say before voicing your own thoughts, because they can bring up some good points that make you wrong.

it doesn't matter if you've been on this earth longer or not. it matters if you have enough knowledge to let yourself be wrong.

we are all equal and all have a voice. no matter the age, skin color, heritage, or sexuality.

let us be able to use them.

why, hello there. nice to see you. and welcome to, our society is a ****** up place that needs be changed.

people think that its perfectly okay to fat shame, **** shame, skinny shame, and anything in-between. but once it happens to them its world war three. guess what, if you dont want something done to you. dont do it. hypocrites and shamers of people are whats wrong with todays society.

people who think that all cops are bad. yes, ill give it to you, most cops now-a-days are *****. but not all of them. some of them actually follow the rules that they're provided with. people who aren't openminded with things is what's wrong with todays society.

people who think that just because someone didnt go to college or finish high school etc. are stupid or are a disgrace. honey, the only person who's a disgrace is you. it is none of your business what happens in peoples lives. people who **** in and think that their negative opinions matter is what's wrong with todays society.

people who think that people who are in the LGTBQ+ community or support it are unworthy or dont deserve respect or anything like that. honey, as i said before, its none of your business. let people be who they want, let them express themselves, let people love each other no matter the gender! people who are unaccepting is whats wrong with todays society.

people in general are whats wrong with todays society. and we, people who accept everyone and anyone need to speak up. voice your opinions. important ones matter. because we, the people matter. no matter if you're black, white, hispanic, gay, straight, bi, lesbian, trans, queer, pansexual, heterosexual, agender, etc. you matter! and we're here to make it known, that everyone matters.

jaiden ( jack in my other poem ) ~ you joked about suicide/ depression/ mental illnesses. little did you know i suffer from all of them.

my ***** donor ( dad ) ~ you were to blind to see that you were doing the wrong thing and hurting people while doing so. you're currently in jail,, *******.

my aunt ~ your head is shoved to far up your own *** to understand that not everyone likes you and wants to hear what you have to say.

a few old friends ( eva ) ~ we just distanced ourselves from eachother,, nothing more nothing less.

( janell ) ~ you're the average popular girl that you'd see in movies. i dont surround myself with ***** who talk behind their friends backs. i cut you out of my life.

before i publish this for the world to see lemme say that 2017 was one of the best but worst years of my life.

on the good side,, i finally got the name "doormat" off of my forehead. shared so many laughs and made friends that i hope i keep forever.

on the bad side,, my depression and anxiety. my depression in itself was at the point where i honest to god didn't think i would make it. my anxiety was and still is so bad where im scared to leave home and actually communicate with people out of my friend group.

all in all,, 2017 was one of the biggest pain in the ***** yet. lets make the future better than the present.

the world will still turn on it’s axis,
even though you told me you didn’t like my lashes.

it will still turn on its axis when you don’t call me one night.

it will still turn when you stop looking at me as often as you do.

it will still turn when i move on.
when you stop treating me like i’m some pawn.

and even though i’ll feel like the world is ending as i know it, the world will turn on its axis.

i will feel as if the weight of ten suns has been put upon my shoulders.

but one day, maybe not now, but one day; the weight will be lifted from my shoulders.
my life will continue as if it never got colder.

and the world will continue to spin on its axis.

that's how its always been. what makes you think that you can change it with no explanation? no reason at all?

you're the water to my fire. you're the lightning to my thunder. you're the cat to my dog. you're the rock to my world. what in the hell makes you think that you can change that without any reasoning behind it?

we've always been there for each other. we know each other like the backs of our hands. you can't do this to me.

its always been you and me. me and you.

but then again, you're you, and i'm me.
you're the guy who is so outgoing, loving, loud, and funny, my god are you funny.
i'm the girl who always has headphones in. i'm quiet, shy, the outcast, only has like five close friends.

we're from two completely different crowds.
maybe it should stay that way.

when you were crying over him cheating on you with lily, you should’ve called me.

when he would slap you silly, you should’ve called me.

when you thought about taking your life because of him, you should’ve called me.

you shouldn’t have let him win. you should’ve called me.

but i wasn’t there...