I am reading your truth
Screaming across a bright screen
You don't know I'm here
I like to check in on you sometimes
You write a lot of death
Suicide and depression
These feelings are new for you
Unfortunately we can relate now
But those poems hurt my soul
Sending scathing bullets through my chest
I did this to you
How could I?
I wish it hadn't happened this way
You didn't deserve that pain
You still don't

You also write poems of love
Though still laced with that pain
You've met someone new
You're afraid
I understand that
I've done the same recently
It's ironic really
We're both afraid to love
Afraid to get hurt again
But I'm also afraid to hurt someone
Like I hurt you
It ***** because I know
You finally understand me now
But you only do because
I am the reason you're afraid
The reason you write what you do
The reason you write at all
I am the darkness inside you
The nightmares that haunt you
I'm sorry

You fell in love with me
And the darkness encasing my soul
You thought you held me
But my demons were always there
So when I ripped your nails from my skin
As I left your life
The darkness pooled around you
Absorbing into the holes in your heart
Stealing your control
And leaving you
Lost
Alone
And broken
Like me.

Memories float around
Aimlessly swimming through my mind
Sometimes they're so overbearing
That I can't even breathe

Lost love plagues my heart
A disease pumping through my veins
Every movement and every thought
Consumed in this emotional vortex
Fear, pain, regret, loneliness

How many times do I make plans
That suddenly change
In a way that alters my entire existence?

How many hearts do I break
Along this gruesome path?
Why am I so afraid to be alone?

Why am I so ****** up?

I need to let you all go
But the music brings me back so easily
How do I escape this demented cycle?
Just know that I think about you more than you know

Anyone I've ever been with
Has affected me so drastically
And they still lead the way I think some days

I'm sorry that things ended this way
Almost always because of me
These memories never seem to fade
So even though I may have hurt you
I still hurt every day because of it too

I'm sitting there reading your letter
And crying because
I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know
Take a hit.
I didn't know I was so bad
Take a hit.
I didn't know I hurt you so much before
Kiss her kiss her kiss her
The voices whisper
But I don't want to
And I feel like the voices are just my thoughts
That I transform into other sounds
To avoid my own responsibility
Take a hit.
I didn't know how heartless I was
I thought I did my best to make you happy
But you cried yourself to sleep
I didn't know I didn't know
You begged for my attention
I didn't know
Take a hit.
I want to blow my brains out
Because my chest is so empty
I feel my decaying heart turning to stone
Take a hit take a hit
I didn't know
I didn't..
Kiss her
I'm fine.

I never could
Yes I was hurt
But I'm not angry
And I'm not upset about it
I am just trying really hard
To grow as a person
And that's hard with any extra pressure

I understand why you're using your words
As ammo against me
Because it is a coping mechanism and
I'm sorry I couldn't handle it
Because I want to help
But right now I need to worry about me

I'm going through a lot of changes
Trying constantly to improve myself
Because I need to keep growing
And I've done so much in the past few months
More than I have in my entire life
My friends stopped worrying about me
One said she was always worried before
But now she can breathe easy because
I truly am changing

But I am not mad at you
At all
I hear you
I understand your pain
And I'm sorry I broke you again
I didn't mean to be that person
But I was
And I can't change that fact
I wish I could help you
But I don't think I can
It may seem selfish
But I really am helping myself right now
And anything else will hinder that progress

There's so much I want to do
So much I want to be
And I'm finally realizing that I have the power
To really make a difference for myself
And it's intense
But also amazing

I wish you nothing but
Love and everything good
Because you do deserve it
You are a good person
And your depression doesn't define you
Neither do your coping mechanisms

But I do not hate you
Because I know you're only human
And the only thing we all want
Is to be happy and not feel pain
That's how we're all connected
So I hope you find peace
And I hope you stay clean
Through the process of finding your truth
Because you are an amazing person
And I know you can pull through this

There's a part of my soul
That exists on an alternate timeline
One where
I didn't leave you
One where
I learned to grow before running away
Before leaving us to burn behind me
An alternate universe where we grew older
Grew closer
Changed and struggled together
And also survived and thrived
That part of my soul
Lives deep inside me somewhere
That hidden piece of myself
Still loves you

Anxiety-free living
What a glorious experience
For the first time in my life
I feel like I can be myself
Without fear
Without regret
I am here
I am free
Instead of waiting out in my car
I entered the coffee shop alone
Ordered food
And a drink
I asked for a minute to think
Unapologetically
And was not overrun with worries
Of whether the cashier was judging me
Or waiting impatiently for me to decide
I simply took charge of my space
Took charge of my time
And it may seem like a meaningless thing
But to me
Where anxiety has always led my life
This is *everything

You once told me that you finally understood
That if love is true, you can let it go
And it will return to you
If, in fact, it's real

Do you still believe that?
Because I'm trying to come back
Can you place a time restraint on the return of real love?
I know it's been awhile...

I hope you do
And I hope you can't, respectively
I'm grappling for something solid
To hold onto this hope I have for us

I know I don't deserve another chance
But I'd spend the rest of my life
Waiting for the opportunity
To prove to you my devotion

I am nowhere near perfect
I know I'll never be
But if you give me the chance
I know I can be better

Better for you
Better for me
Better for us
And our potential at a beautiful future

Most of me knows you won't let me in
And I won't blame you for that
But besides my underlying hope for us
I wrote you to give you a say

What I did to you was awful
And I stripped away all your power
But my latest proposition
Gives you full control

You can either take me back again
And I'll prove that I can change
Or you can tell me to leave forever
And I'll be waiting in the dark

In case you change your mind one day

It's not easy for me to be vulnerable
But you're worth the pain
Of opening up the walls in my soul
And risking losing it all again

If my depression were human, like myself, it would possess no gender.
Astonishingly impatient, it would easily upset;
Every little detail, from meal times to dress,
Could trigger a hate-storm of words and fists
Plummeting down upon my body, its own little punching bag.

If my depression were human,
it would adhere to my side without consent
Mirroring that bi-polar, abusive “relative”
A step-mother with clenching claws much too close to my neck one minute
Then handing over claims of caring and loving me the next.
I am forced to face hell whenever it visits,
But if gone for too long,
I begin to miss its presence.

And if my depression were human, it would live restlessly.
Through exercise it could relax a while, but
with its unruly schedule, the time may never surface.
It tries to sleep often and I try my best to assist
--tea and music to calm the mind--
but most often insomnia
leaves it beside me for hours, burning on and on
this flame eating at my insides:
A voice I cannot ignore.
The lack of sleep driving its nerves and emotions
On even less stable ground.
Sleeping pills no longer work to calm its overactive mind
And this throat-burning ***** works for only a few hours
Sitting in the shadows with only the bottle to numb the pain
For us both.

If my depression were human,
it would force its way between myself and others,
destroying every potential relationship,
friendship and otherwise,
before even a chance at an emotional connection arises;
driving even the most persistent ones to give up in exhaustion.
I would live alone with it
And it with me
It would tell me that it loves me, but turn
And stab at my wrists
At my arms
At my legs
Shedding blood and claiming that
That would prove my devotion.

If my depression were human,
life would not be life,
I would not be me.
Eventually I could no longer hide behind a fabricated smile:
to pretend would pain my damaged mind past its tolerance
and my body would begin to lose hope as well.
I could try to run away,
with substances or therapy,
but the effects only fade and leave me alone
with it
Once more.

And unfortunately,
Depression is human.
A parasitic one
Living in and draining the mind of its host.
Slowly killing every emotion,
Until even pain loses its effects.
Dominating relationship after relationship.
Birthing 350 million loners.
Ending 350 million lives,
Whether literally, or emotionally.

Those who survive and learn to file it away
may never know themselves again.
Forced to worship pills that eat their true selves,
all for this demonic being
that leaves them numb,
cold,
and empty.


*As I stand now, face to face
with my own demons,
no longer lurking in the shadows,
I realize
I have lost the war,
as my throat counts the blue bullets
leading to my sanity.

I cannot sleep
Or at least I choose not to
Until the sun breaks the horizon
I wake up to a typical ringtone
But sometimes my heart hurts
Like it used to when I smoked
And after 12 hours of rest
I can still barely open my eyes
I cannot convince myself that
There's a real reason to wake up
I am so alone aside from my love
That any social interaction crashes over my body with
guilt and embarrassment that have no purpose
I swallow a few conversations but they hurt
I miss the friends I used to have but I know
We changed so much it could never be the same

And through recent interaction
I realize how much I miss my community
Surrounding myself with those who understand
My fears
My pain
My experiences
Without me having to explain it
Validating my emotions and
Reminding me that I am allowed to feel the way I do
Simply because I do

I don't think you love me as much as you think you do
Maybe I don't either
What if we're both just wasting time
Trying to heal from our broken past
In the arms of someone who understands the pain
But doesn't have the capacity to love

Maybe you're blinded by my decency
How I don't mistreat you like the others did
Maybe you miss the chaos and destruction
That those cheap ***** offered for a minute
Before it hurt

I'm all for exploring feelings
We can take a break
And you can leave
I want you to be happy
And understand what you feel
Maybe you've already reached out to him
Maybe you just want to see if that spark is still there
But if you **** him
Don't expect me back

What's better,
If you do,
I know he'll leave his clothes on
And leave you feeling alone
I hope you think about our skin touching
How carefully I tend to your body
How **** you think my tattoo is
When all you see on him is coarse denim and ragged cotton
Because I won't be there to catch you again
If you **** him,
Don't expect me back

Why am I so angry?
You haven't left yet
But I feel in my soul that you will
"Soulmates" you call us
Then why even consider him?
That's not fair to ask
I know love isn't that easy
But if you loved me more than you loved him
I don't think you'd leave

What do I do in the meantime?
Sit here and pretend like it's ok?
Like I'm not ****** that you might leave?
At least I know I'll be fine if you do
Whether with or without you
I know I can thrive
Can you say the same?

Do you convince yourself you love me
Because I make your life easier?
Because I promised I won't leave?
Because I don't yell at you like he did?
Because I genuinely care about your wellbeing
Enough to let you leave me to figure it out yourself?

But I do have standards
I am not a cloth that you can just throw away
When you feel you don't need it anymore
But try to grab it again when you do

I am a human being
With real feelings
Like yours
(Not the ones for me though)
You're an adult and you can make your own choices
Take responsibility for yourself and your actions
But if you **** him
Don't expect me back

Insecurity floods me like nicotine in my lungs
Resentment and discomfort as regular as my jagged breath
I don't want to feel this way, but it isnt your fault
Though, as always, I'm plagued by the urge to run away
I don't know why this reaction is so pervasive
I never want you to see it, but I'm sure that you do

I'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore
I know I should be open with them, but I don't want these ones to exist
They make me feel small and broken
Like I should be immune to this poisonous ash by now
Especially when the fire lives within me
Incinerating me from the inside out
Convincing me that it's in the air
Like I could leave and not feel this way again
Like the answer is in anything else but myself

I don't know how to cope with this, how to trust that you love me
Because these emotions aren't fair to you
And I don't think you could love me through them
So, no, I don't want to talk about it
I don't know how to explain it to you
In any way that makes sense
I don't know how to peel this bitter taste from the back of my throat

I guess I don't know what you see in me, besides what I can do for you
When you two are much more compatible, and our futures don't feel aligned
Sometimes I don't feel like a person, at least not a whole one
So I guess when I hear how great he is, I just see everything I'm not
I see everything I can't do, for myself or for anyone
I know jealousy is insecurity, but I don't know how to make it stop
How to be happy with myself and change when I'm not

I don't know how to build a better life
When I've never even wanted this one

My heart falls silent
Empty and echoing
The aftermath of an earthquake
That I started on my own
I made a choice for myself
But I didn't do it well.

In following my heart
I destroyed another on the way
Deep down I still
Just wish to die
And I know
that same silence that's killing me now
Will put my mind at rest in the end

Why is it so hard for me
To tell you that
I want to spend my life with you?
You see me
In a way that
No one else has
You've heard my story
Really listened to me
And yet you still stuck around
I love you
Undeniably and unapologetically
But I'm still afraid
I can't tell when I'm pulling away
But I promise
It is not intentional
My feelings haven't changed
If anything they've grown more
And that's terrifying
Because what I feel for you
Is entirely incomparable
To anything else I've ever felt
You mean everything to me
And even though it's hard to admit
I need you

Your sapphire eyes that glow with a ring of fiery hazel
The way your smile lights up the entirety of your face
How your soft lips feel pressed firmly against mine
The peace in your limbs as your drift into sleep
How genuinely good of a person you are
Every line in your hands that I try to memorize with mine
Your beautiful heart and its skipped beats
The passion behind your decisions in life
Your relentlessness even in the face of fear
The undeniable strength you wield that blows my mind daily
Your perseverance despite the hard life you’ve faced
How much of a capacity you possess to love others, good and bad
The sounds of your voice whispering that you love me for the first time
Your vulnerability in sharing your most intimate secrets with me
You

When you said we were done
I initially was angry because
I wanted to hate you so badly
But I only loved you.

A few days later,
I realize that, though I do love you
more than anything,
A part of me also resents you.
And maybe my anger was not,
In fact, because I couldn't hate you,
But because I knew a part of me does
And all I want to do is love you.

The last time you asked if I hated you for ending it;
I couldn't, because I understood.
But this time, you didn't ask
You didn't care
And I'm not sorry that I wasn't good enough,
Because you're the one who couldn't
Handle the distance.
Let your cravings and desires
Override a love
To where you couldn't feel it anymore.

I wish I could understand,
But I can't.
And I resent you for hurting me this way.
At least before I knew you still loved me,
Now I couldn't even tell you liked me.

Enjoy your freedom and experience
While I'm trapped as a prisoner
To my own mind.
The dreams of you continue and
Waking up hurts more than I can explain.
But I love you.
And, unfortunately, that will never change.

I realized I was definitely
Capable of loving more than one person
As I stood ****** in a bar
Positioned at a table between
My partner and my ex-fiance
My ex and I had gotten food beforehand
My first time seeing them in a year and a half
And I swore to everyone that it wasn't gay
I believed it too for awhile
Up until they said they didn't want kids
Which was part of my own logic used
To explain our incompatibility
Hearing their stories made my heart ache
All of the things I'd missed in their life
All the things they missed in mine
Then that night at the bar
When a performer was called on stage
My ex mentioned that she was my favorite
A small fact I didn't think they'd remember
Yet it carried such a significant feeling
That left my heart heavy and fractured
And when my partner looked at me I felt guilty
They must be able to see it
To sense it
These residual feelings
That I swore were not there and were
Definitely not gay
And while lost in my mind
My ex looked at me and asked if I was ok
They could still see me
I wanted to run away
My mind kept screaming for an escape
And yet I also heard a whispered voice
Reminding me that this time with them
Would be the last quality time I'd have
Before we returned to being strangers
So I shouldn't waste it
Because as much as I crave their friendship
I know in my heart it'd never work
Friends would never be the word
It's always been and
Probably always would be
Something much more than that
So I'll let it go
I'll let myself mourn these feelings
Despite the dreadful pain of it all
Because we all deserve to be happy
And by giving up this ill-fated dream
I know one day I can be

I feel scared to leave my house to go for a walk
Because I'm worried I'll get mugged or *****
Any noise in my house sets off
The myriad of alarms in every cell of my body
Whether I think it's a person or a ghost
The fear fills my limbs with electricity
I feel anxious about going to the gym alone
Because I feel like everyone is staring at me
Sometimes I'm afraid to text my ex who's now a friend
Because I'm preoccupied with worrying
About what they're thinking of me
When I work as a delivery driver
I won't go into backyards at night
Anytime I am around other people
I am afraid that they will hurt me
So I keep my guard up high
Hypervigilant to any animosity
But when I think about facing real danger
I get extremely overwhelmed
If I feel this unhinged by basic life experiences
How would I ever survive a real crisis?
My fight or flight is set off so often
That it's basically become my new baseline
I know it's the PTSD that causes it
And I know that I can get better
But sometimes I just feel so hopeless
Because I want to go for simple walks
I want going to the gym to be an easy decision
I want to spend time with people
To connect with people
Without worrying that they'll hurt me
Or that they secretly hate me
I want to live my life wholeheartedly
Not constantly in fear of something unseen
I want to be able to feel and exist openly
And really have a chance to be myself
To live a life that makes me happy
And I can't do that if I'm constantly
Running from shadows and
Hiding from reality behind doors and screens
I want to break out and be free
But behind any and all of my emotions
Lies a thick layer of fear
And I just keep running

I can never own a gun
Because if I did
I'd be dead.

If you ever think about me and it hurts,
I'm sorry but you did this to yourself.
I tried, gave it my all,
and it wasn't enough for you.
I don't regret trying and failing,
because you were worth every attempt:
You helped me out of a bad place and,
despite the fact that you put me back into a darker one,
I am no longer afraid of the darkness.
So I'm sorry I was wrong,
and hopefully your decision reflects what you truly desire in life.
I hope you can find light in the situation,
as I have begun to do;
If you ever need me,
I'm still here if no one else is around
to catch you if you fall.

Free love is hard
But I wouldn't be here
If I didn't love you

I'm so confused
No I don't understand
Because who I see here
Is Not who I am.
Reflections tell a story
The one everyone sees
But if you look deeper inside
There's much more left to be.
We're told when we're young
That anything is possible
But society continues
To declare dreams improbable.
I don't hate who I am
Just who I see in the mirror
For these thoughts I keep hidden:
They provoke too much fear.
I want to be normal
Young and happy
But I can't figure out
If I'm really me.
I make a decision
Decide on a label
That is until
New cards hit the table.

I miss you.

You knew
exactly how much
space to give me when I was angry.
The correct questions to ask.
The way to calm me down.

It wasn't your job
but you did it regardless
and you did it well.

So now I sit here smoldering in the feelings I cannot control:
The fear.
The anger.
The regret.
The relief.
All the self hate and sadness are choking me.

I don't know what I want,
But you're my best friend.
And I ******* miss you.

I haven't really faced these feelings yet
They've been hidden deep in my soul
Because it'd be easier to be heartless
Than to acknowledge the reality

I know I broke up with you
And I know the way things happened was not ok
I keep replaying where things changed
Trying to pinpoint that moment where
Everything stopped feeling right
And I think I finally found it

We were doing great together
So much love
We thrived together
And then I told you I'm polyamorous
And then I didn't listen to you
I didn't recognize my problematic behavior
And you were scared

I assume you felt like you were losing me
And I was finally feeling free
But I wasn't gone yet
We were still trying to be ok
But you shut down, understandably
And I got scared and distanced myself
You needed me more
And I felt trapped by that
So we both slowly changed
And neither could keep up with the others needs
I am not trying to justify this
I am just trying to understand

Because I still miss you
When I'm laying here alone
Cuddling my Nemo
And all I can picture is how you guys cuddled on the couch together
Or when I'm out doing something
And I think about how much you'd like it
Trying not to wish you were with me
But sometimes I do
I can't even play video games
Or watch love it or list it
Without these haunting memories
So I just avoid it and do nothing instead

Maybe if we lived closer it would have been different
Maybe if I would have paid more attention to your needs
We wouldn't have ended up this way
I know I said we weren't compatible
But we were once upon a time

I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't enough
You deserve so much more than I gave you
I'm sorry for not being enough for you
Because you really deserve everything good
You're a good person
And I care about you
I hope you find happiness one day
I know you will
You're good
I'm sorry for taking that away from you

**** this ****
I'm over it
I know I said I'd be here
But I don't deserve this
Your anger is valid
But you don't get to take it out on me
I can't change the past
But I can grow from this
I can be better
But not if you're sitting there
Whipping me with your words
Simply because you hate the truth
I'm sorry it happened this way
But it's not all one-sided
Neither of us are perfect
We both **** up
But I can't keep doing this
We're good for a minute
And then you're mad again
And it's always my fault right?
When my ex was doing this
You told me it seemed unhealthy for me
Now here we are, it's just the same
So maybe I'll take your advice this time

I finally took the sweatshirt out of my car
It smells like you
Hotel linen suffocating my senses
And for a moment I'm lost
Even though we're not great together
You still run through my mind too often
The quiet nights in your dorm room
Walking along the beach together
Me making jokes in the haunted house to calm your anxiety
Talking to goats at the pumpkin farm
Even getting hyped while playing video games
You are everywhere
And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you
It's so conflicting because
I know we were unhappy at the end
But maybe it could've worked out
If I tried a little harder
Instead of just giving up
But I didn't know where it would go
And it wasn't healthy anymore
You wanted forever and I wasn't sure I could give you that
I'm trying so hard to live in the moment these days
Which is hard when I can't stop thinking about you
But I hope you're doing ok

Yes I hurt you
Yes I broke your heart
But I've been here since the end
I let you call me breaking down
Even though I was with my girlfriend
Simply because no one else would listen
And I ******* care about you

Yes I emailed you first
You chose to listen to others instead
And told me to move on
Two weeks pass
And you reach out to me
You want me back
But I had my closure
and started exploring new options

Yes I'm polyamorous
And it's been the best realization of my life
But to you I'm just selfish
I can't commit
Just because I can't be your property anymore
You even said you'd try it with me
Then turned around and called it debauchery

Yes I've made mistakes
I'm only human
And I'm growing every day
I am becoming a better person
But how can I keep moving forward
With you constantly tearing apart my soul?

Yes I say your words don't hurt
But I ******* love you
So they brand pain into my entire existence
And keep hurting both myself
And my beautiful new relationship
Because I'm putting all my energy into you

And yes I let it keep happening
But not anymore
I told your dad you tried to OD
I may have saved your ******* life
But all I did was ruin you right?
I tore you down and broke your hopes and dreams?
Tell me how, when I've been here the whole time
I have been supporting you in
Whatever you want to do with your life
I've been validating your feelings and
Trying to be there for you to talk
Because no one else was listening
But I'm just a piece of trash right?

No
I won't let you lead my life anymore
No
You don't get to steal my happiness
No
I will not let you hurt my relationship
No
I may have made mistakes but I'm not entirely bad
No
You do NOT get to take your anger out on me
Not anymore
I'm done
I'm out

Enjoy your life now
Because I'm done being the reason you hate it
You made your own choices
And you don't get to take that out on me
Not anymore
I'm done.

"Commitment issues"
Commitment: a designated set of time
Issues: problems

So I cannot, successfully,
Designate an "appropriate" amount of time
To a relationship
Is that right?

Keep in mind,
These women enter my life
And I tell them I don't believe in marriage
And they say "that's ok"
Until it's not.

Maybe it's a comment I made
Or maybe they forgot
But something changes over time
And I am not an object
I am not some possession
That people can lay claims to
I am a human
With ever-changing needs and desires
With thoughts and feelings
And my own perception of reality

So maybe I get anxious when people
Try to put some hold on me
You chalk it up to commitment issues
What if I just don't like feeling owned?
What if I simply refuse
To let anyone remove my autonomy?

And what's even wrong with that?
Who gets to decide what is an
"Appropriate" amount of time?
Oh, wait,
That's "forever" right?
Says who?
Why should I continue to chase this
Socially-constructed dream
Of spending my entire life with one person
If that's not what makes me happy?

Trust me, I've tried for a long time
And I could never seem to find
A singular being
Who I'd willingly spend eternity with
If that even exists
And until this point
I've been unhappy most of my life
Reflecting on my failed attempts at
Happy monogamy

I am finally happy now
Free love is beautiful
It has liberated my soul
It has liberated my love
And my sense of self
For once I feel happy most days
I am focusing on myself now
Instead of pouring everything into another
I'm growing more everyday
And learning more about who I am

But you just brush that off
Saying my polyamorous identification
Is a manifestation
Of some fear of commitment
It couldn't possibly be the real me
It couldn't possibly be the way I feel happiest
Because it's not the "normal" way to desire?
It's not the logical form of love?
Or it's just different
Or it's just new
And you rejecting it within me
Means you aren't accepting me for who I am
In this moment

If that's the case
Then I don't know who you're in love with
Because this is who I am
Whether you like it
Or disagree with it
Or not
This is who I am
And I'm so over
Trying to validate
Justify
And explain myself
Just because someone disagrees with my form of loving

I have these realizations sometimes
And somehow I'm surprised
Did you know I mistreated you
In ways you never said?

You said I didn't take you seriously
No, I didn't treat you like a person
See, even though I was raised as a woman
I was raised in a system that told me that
Women are less than
And I never believed it consciously
But my best friend at the time
Treated women like others
And the system and my surroundings
Wore off on me in ways I'm not proud of

I'm not making excuses anymore
I take responsibility for my actions
I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry
That I never listened to you
That I let him and myself
Speak to you the ways we did

It surprised me that you talked to him again
I can't help but wonder if you're friends now
Before you left you were afraid of him
I just hope you know your worth
I hope you remember you matter
Because you deserve to be respected

It took me some time and some space
To realize my mistakes
Actually it took having someone else
Experience what you put up with
And calling me out for it

But you were raised in the same system
Brought up in these twisted gender roles
I just hope you don't believe in it
Cause life is a lot better
When you don't feel invisible

I'm sorry I'm like this
I genuinely feel insane
Because I love you so ******* much
But sometimes the bad stuff is consuming
And yet I just numbed myself with pain
Then took a couple dabs
And my positive emotions are starting to flow more freely
So I want to tell you now in case this fades again

I love you
Undeniably
I want to spend forever with you
Always
I'm scared to say I need you
But I know it's true

And I'm sorry I've been an *******
These states of mind scare me too
Which probably just makes it worse
But I'm really going to try this
For you and for me
Change is really intense
But for you I'd try anything

They tell me that I'm
Too scared to commit
They tell me that I
Don't know what love is

I know that they're wrong
But the words still sting
Coming from those that I love
I can't say it doesn't bother me

They think that I
Am heartless in all of this
They don't realize my heart
Has broken with every diss

So act like you know me
And slander my name
You may have known me before
But you don't know me today

I know I've felt happy lately
But you don't see how close
The darkness really is
Threatening my neck with every step

I am ashamed of what I've done
To you and others alike
But that's why I'm trying to change
It's why I'm growing into a better person

Believe it or not
Worrying too much about others is
At least in part
Why I've hurt so many people
I try to save these broken people
But I hurt them more in the end
Because I was listening to their desires
Without thinking about myself
Without realizing what I truly feel

Trust me for once
It isn't easy to live this life
I am not proud of my past
I am not proud of my choices
But I really am trying
I really am changing

I know you think it's too late
But there's nothing that could change
The fact that I hurt you this bad
All I can do is learn from my mistakes
And stop myself from hurting anyone else

Because even though I'm happier these days
I still hate myself for what I've done
You think I'm standing on the bones
Of the lovers who I've hurt
Just to get myself ahead
But those skeletons live in my mind
And they're not tucked nicely away in closets
They're scattered in unexpected places
Drowning me in endless flashbacks
Burning the skin where they've touched me
Their goodness destroyed by my darkness
Those memories destroy me
But I'm trying to get better

And since I can't change the past
That's all I have to hold on to

Through hell's flames and god's rage
We swam our way through the burning insanity
Your wavering patience and lasting perseverance
Engulfed the darkness in an icy flame
Pushing us forward and uniting our strength
Darling you are everything
From the air I breathe to
The shooting stars I see so constantly

I will slave forever to accomplish your forgiveness
Though I will never comprehend how you'd willingly release it
But i promise you I am yours
Because your unnerving energy pulls me in to where
I begin to question everything
But you are worth every possible risk:
My heart belongs to you
and it will not be missed

I throw everyone aside
As though I can survive on my own;
I try to hard to restrain what's inside,
Forcing myself to suffice all alone.
Look into my eyes
As I push farther away
All the things I'm trying to hide
And the friends I silently beg to stay.
Lately I feel near to nothing,
Only anger and emptiness within me,
Yet equally I feel almost everything
(Emotionally only, not physically).
So often I'm lost in my mind's persistent shadows,
fighting everyone out from my incessant hell,
This knife seems to be the only friend I  know,
And now I'll even push that away as well.

Choked up with existential angst
Soften the bitterness with a drink
The cold liquid helps the truth stay down
Hoping that a drunk mind can't think
My thoughts heavy like lead
They sink just below the surface
Low enough where they make no sound
But can still make me feel worthless
What kind of human does it make me
When I don't know how to feel my feelings
The most basic form of existence
That I struggle with dealing
In all of my issues
I know drugs aren't the answer
They won't make anything easy
But they make me feel better

Creeping through my late night dreams
I hear you calling out to me

Your eyes shine brightly ocean blue
and then I fall back down for you

Hold my heart and let it beat
Bump bump bee bump in the street

The streets of my brain echo loud
praying that you can hear the sound

Crashing glass as pieces fall
my heart is breaking after all

Cause I awoke and all I see
is darkness, O! twas just a dream

Screaming out at its last gasp
My heart is belting "Free At Last!"

Our relationship is defined
By sleepy closing eyes
Suddenly fluttering awake
Because we realized something else to critique
We move through this life
Stuck in the definitions of the systems
But we know better
We know to question everything
From endless rants about capitalism
To minorly correcting the others word choice
Anarchy fuels our veins
As our hearts beat in sync
To our own vibrations

I feel possessed by these coping mechanisms
Spirits I once let in so freely
Opened myself to them as a home
In return, they kept me safe for many years
Until keeping me safe meant keeping me locked inside
Among them
Where I would be safe
Nothing could get in
Yet, soon enough I realized
I could no longer get out
And now I'm sitting here
At the edge of my consciousness
Banging against the metal bars
Begging for a way out
And sometimes they do
Let me out
To breathe a moment
Let me off the leash to prove to them
That I am safe enough to be free
And it feels amazing and weightless
Like I am fluid and free
Until the moment I feel threatened
And my panic calls out to those spirits again
They sooth me and care for me
Gently washing over me and
Managing the stress with ease
Until I am calm
Sitting snugly behind
The metal bars again

Just when I felt lost, trying to forget her, you were there to guide me.
When I thought I'd never get that feeling again, you gave it to me.
You reignited a spark in a broken heart. Made me feel whole again.
It took three years since you knew of the way I felt, I began to doubt the possibility of anything ever coming from it.
Yet I am glad it waited until now, the time we needed it most; our last chance.
We were finally honest with one other.
Not with our words but with our actions.
They expressed what I'd been dying to say for a long time.
What I could never muster the courage to speak.
What I hoped deep inside you wished to tell me as well.
You are a best friend, a sister, and a longtime crush.
And you found a way to fix me. Far more than you can imagine.
With a kiss.
With a touch.
Two scarred hearts are now at peace.

I have bad thoughts
Of beautiful things
The color red
Oozing from my pale skin
The simplicity of a clean line
Only to be ruined by smeared blood
Why do these thoughts haunt me?
Am I obsessed with my own pain?
Or simply so ****** up
That I find beauty
In the face of my demons

I just want to play my music loud
Enough to blow my ******* brains out
There's so much happening all at once
The overstimulation makes me want to run
My system is overwhelmed by love and joy
But that's only one side of the coin
On the flip side, anxiety is everything
So much it feels like I am drowning

When we're together
There is no past
There is no future
It's just us
You and I
And our anarchist tendencies
Out radical minds working constantly
Trying to dismantle the systems that oppress us
While forced to work within them to survive

This feels unstoppable
We've been through some heavy stuff already
And I guarantee there will be more to face
With openness and honesty
We overcome the forces of life
And pave our own way through
Because even if we knew
What a future with free love looked like
We probably wouldn't follow it anyway

Every day is an experience
Challenging what I thought I knew about love
I'm slowly learning to love and trust myself
And I'm finally seeing what a healthy relationship looks like
What it feels like to love someone
To be in love with someone
Without the dependence and trust issues
I've become so accustomed to

This anxiety is excitement
The fear a reminder of my humanity
And although I hate the concept of forever
I hope you stay for a while

I feel them inside my head
Thoughts digging pathways into my brain
Repeating our conversation over and over
And over and over again.

Sentences, turned every direction
Up and down, repeatedly
Breaking apart your every word
Like what did you ~really~ mean?

Panic floods my bloodstream
But after only half of your sentence
I have to remember the second piece too
Then I can breathe again.

Irrationality claws at my heart
Doubt and fear suffocate me
But I want to believe you
I want to believe.

But what if my brain is right?
And what if you're wrong?
I pull reality sharply back into focus
As my thoughts tell me I'm crazy.

Inhale peace and exhale doubt
I have to let go of these questions
I love you, I love you, I love you
One day I'll be able to believe you.

I am an outsider
Your friends
Your lovers
You're all connected
But not me

I am the unfamiliar
The unknown
The stranger in the crowd
No one sees me
But maybe you do

I started writing a poem about them
And the beginning sounded like ours
The one where I told you that
Words aren't enough to define us
And yes words are limiting
But
They also have a way of telling you more
If you pay close enough attention
When "I love you endlessly"
Turns to "ILY" and
"I can't imagine my life without you"
Turns to weeks of sitting alone
And all the "I miss you"s
Turn to "how are you"s
As if you even cared
Your actions never matched your language
Were your words too limiting for you?
When I was still always there for you
And all you did was break promises?
Were the words you spoke too constricting?
At least that would explain why you broke them
Though still not why you said them
Maybe you were afraid to let me down
Or afraid to really be seen
Or just so self-absorbed that you didn't care
That you couldn't care
About yourself
Or about me

Please **** me now
I can't handle this anymore
I don't want these memories to fade
But they make me want to die
As they choke my breath away
Then release soon enough to save me

I'm not ok
I need you but
You're never coming back to me
I ruined everything
And I've involved others too
So the cycle never ends
And it's all my fault

Please let me die
I don't want to live with this forever
I'd rather give up everything
Than keep reliving our dead memories

And I can't even talk to anyone about it
They either don't get it or
They won't believe me
Because I never know what I'm feeling

But right now I feel awful
These tears won't stop burning my face
And I feel more alone than ever

Nothing else matters
Right now
I am hurting
And I can't take much more of it
So please just let me let it go

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to keep breathing
When my mistakes are like cyanide
Seeping through my broken heart
And drowning my lungs

I don’t wear sweaters much
Especially in the summer
But after a few hours of your embrace
My clothes smell like your detergent.
So I’ll peel off my binder
Strip down to my boxers
And replace that sweater
So I can sleep better.

Content, clarity, no calling home
Surrounded snugly in sunshine’s roam
What naturally burns is saving
Cleansing the soul in its raving
Yet somber shadows induce chills of night
And the sun regresses in imperative flight
The moon brings forth its calming glow
So soon It’s realized she’s all alone
The gnawing proceeds from deep in her mind
Progressing forward without a bind.

Dropping, drifting, dying leaves
Just like their path her thoughts shall weave
To and fro between a mood
Sweet and caring turned suddenly rude
Cold winds lead to a chilling sight
Everything’s changed but It says all is right
Soon the world blends together as one
No longer touched by the warmth of the sun
Temperatures drop and so does her head
Leaden with sorrow as she makes for her bed.

Empty, endlessly enduring days
Isolation extends but it’s deemed okay
Dreams die, concealed by snow
She wants to leave but cannot go
Icy winds blowing cold as her heart
Frozen solid and wishing to part
Getting used to the pain
With no hope to gain
Too weak to worry with no emotions felt
She’s forced to awaken as the world starts to melt.

Free and flowering fields now bring
Hope to the girl who could not sing
Coming from the showering rain
The healing waters break through the pain
Finally she’s found the truest way
To stop and force her problems away
Soon enough she’s rediscovered her smile
And returns to the friends she hasn’t seen in a while
Oh but It’s smart, much smarter than we
So smart that nobody could ever have seen

Greatly, gladly going home
Swimming deep in water’s foam
A calm, warm night has come to cease
Their world is frantic while hers sees peace
Searching hard for a missing girl
Reaching the river, their stomachs curl
Soaking, dripping, they find what’s wrong
Realizing now how long she’s been gone
Eroding sadness, consumed by pain
Now they can feel what she did every day.

I feel you within me
Such a small child
Not the smallest one there
But definitely the most confident

With hands torn up
You can always see the blood
You always made me see it too
Saying that we can't forget our roots

That's how you keep yourself safe
How you keep me safe
You tell me you are the sole protector
There is no one else
Even when there should have been
And it's been so long that
You can't remember what you deserve
So you believe there never can be anyone else again

Even though I'm the oldest
You've always been the adult
Except I realzied that no matter how you feel
No matter how grown you needed to be
To take care of yourself and everyone else
You can never really be an adult
Because you're just a child
A kid that should've been loved
Should've been taken care of
Shown what it means to be a person

Instead?
You were alone and neglected
Left to your own care and coping
Slowly building up walls to stay safe
While quietly begging for someone to tear them down
To say it's ok to be small and
It's ok to feel pain
To feel anything

Instead?
You were left in the dark
Latching onto any form of light you could
Grades, writing, drugs, love
They all gave you something
Made you feel something
But love gave the biggest rush

Love was the answer
That missing piece you so desperately needed
With the most striking light
So you sought out the brightness in others
Even though some of those people
Were just wearing headlamps
Whose batteries died out very quickly
Leaving you cold and stuck in the dark
With their problems piled onto your own

And a few times we met the one
The one who could love us deeply
The one who saw us
Gave us undying love and support
And when you finally have access to
The light that you craved most
The one thing that you never had
That type of light no longer feels warm and inviting

It feels sharp and painful
It illuninates the truth that you've been avoiding
The fact that you were emotionally neglected
You raised yourself and lost your childhood
You're alone and you're lonely
And the only way to make it stop
Is to tear down those walls that kept you safe
The ones you think still do

And so
As the "adult"
You've made some tough choices that you regret
Because you think you're protecting yourself
You can't take back things you've said
Or fix the feelings you've hurt
It's just a part of this ride
You don't trust me as the real adult
Because you can't trust anyone

And yet,
I can take care of us now
I love you and it's ok to be small
Because you are small and scared and
So very very lonely

It's ok to have feelings and to let people in
Life is scary and things will go wrong
But you can always trust that I will keep us safe
We don't need the walls or the numbing
We are strong
We are safe
And we deserve love

I'll change my mind
Before I make a mistake
Just because there's love there
Doesn't mean it's best shared
I'll let it go and just pick up my things
You'll have someone with you already
And I hope for the best for you
You deserve to be happy
And I know I'll find my own happiness too
Because I really am happy these days
I guess it reminds me of the time
When you asked me to come with to get your things from your ex
It seems like it's just another cycle
And I hope this person is the right fit
Because clearly I wasn't
And that's honestly ok
I'll grow and so will you
It just doesn't have to be together