I have a lust for rightcheousness and luxury
Help me
Help me
Help me
Dig deep
Dig deep
Dig deep
corner ego it’s turgid.
And **** it.
Must cleanse myself of this evilness.
The corpse reeks of malice.
Without it the breath of my soul is aromatic.
Must crucify possessive vocabulary.
I want
I need
I
I
I
Hang them on a cross of selflessness.
Nail them with actions of helpfulness.
Forget narcissism.
Forget avarice.
Forget being vitriolic.
How unbearably odious my behavior has been.
I apologize as sincerely as I can.
After all we are all cursed being human.
All my faults only show how weak I am.
Through reflection I have shed light on the faults I am capable of revealing.
Yet I have not sought action.
That’s how weak I am.
“I need help” I say.
But the first step of healing.
One does by themselves.
Seek help.
I sit here lethartically.
Thinking help will come to me.
I’m so tenaciously idiotic.
And.
To make things worse.
I grow impatient and annoyed that help hasn’t found me.

See.
I realize this.
And I’m so week that still. I won’t do anything about it.
I won’t seek help after writing this.
I might think I will or think I do.
But it’s either two lazy a cry or not one at all.
I am repulsive. Yet to blind to accept it as the divine truth it actually is.
I say I know myself.
I do. But I don’t actually embrace truth as confronting as it is.
It would help me.
I’m to lazy to face that though.
To scared.
So I slither back into my pitiful narcissistic chasm.
Like so many of my self involved peers.
We all realize it. We resent it.
But for now it’s a part of us.

My right hand is very good at it








You ask people

They say it's in between the sheets.

Real love is dead. We murdered it through death camps called elementary schools.

A man born of nothing
Likewise from everything.
Came from no where
Yet somewhere.
A man who clutches freewill
But has no voice.
He is of every hue
And whom his coitus is specific
And undefined.

He walked the earth by choice.
Conversed with whom he wished.
And lived how he saw fit.

However a calling came for some heroes of his clique.
And he was drawn or he volunteered.

Rough this path was to be
And rough it turned out.

As the path grew darker
The man grew darker.
He partook, inflicted, and observed such unimaginable cruelty. It could only be imagined.

The cruelty was real.
It made him feel so real.
So connected.
Primitive and so developed.

Until he found his breaking point.
Seeing something so terrible it was definitely real.
His eyes wore scars that only faded in the later years of his life.
But he would remember the scene to the exact detail forever.

The path got brighter. So did the man.
But the man was always not as gleeful as his surroundings.
He like so many of his fellow hero’s got stuck in the past sometimes.
Going back to when the path wasn’t so bright.

He lived the rest of his life in peace. Had a family. Fought for the right things with what voice he had.

One day he returned to the most horrific battlefield he once stood on as a soldier.
A man his age, but of the enemy’s looks gazed at him.

An unspoken barrier would always separate them.
But these two were as close and as far as brothers.

They shared a glance so deep only warriors could read it. Roughly translated it said, “All of that is done and gone with. I’ll love you for sharing my memories. I’ll hate your for the bad ones.” Then they went their ways and lived out their days in harmony with hatred and sadness.

Only men like them will ever really be truly human. Living on either side of the spectrum of good and evil for your entire life is fictional. Truth is only found in equilibrium. Humanity is only found in the duality of Devine beauty and incomprehensible darkness.

I claw and drool for social acknowledgement.

I’m so blind by the drive, I’m not disgusted by the animal I am and others I admire.

Degrading and defacing myself in the process.

Leave a compliment, for attention and false exchange of treatment.

I hold my phone incapable of moan.

This thing.

It doesn’t care about me.

Neither do the people on it.

My family does.

But I must find acceptance from my peers.
I have to steal their eyes and ears.
They do it, so I must too.
Throw away all my integrity, of which there is few.

Totality escapes beneath me, all that I’ve left unexplored collapses unto me.

Triggered, by self centered inundation, I might as well be gone.

For what do I provide the collective? But neglect and self indulgent plunder.

Relive this aeonic cage, cyclic and persistent. Yet each existence we reach a new peak.

So benevolent, and elegant. I need to relive samsara to fill my void.

Be meaningful to others. Because I do not matter, what I do matters.

Momentarily, this escapes me, shameful and foolish, I must regain such tonic insight.

It combats my abysmal fear of inconsequentiality.

I’ve reflected in infantilism, however I think I’ve found what guides us to actualization.

At least myself anyway, I need to mean something to others.

I need to teach and learn from my peers, whom I overlook as of now.

How myopic and repugnant. White from shame I apologize to those who’d listen.

I open my arms to all. Let me help, show me how to help.

Amputate them from myself.
Not masochism, but medically necessary.
Do I deserve such a relief?

They multiply, and strip away time.
Their mitosis is parasitic. Alien. Destructive.
This ailment leaches from me.

So glad to see you temptation...
One of love’s demons, life’s meanings

Darkness inundates this plane.
Lone light on what I’m craving.
Perched upon a ring pillow of velvet.
Distant from a vestal white, ****** pearl.
Far from what I need right now.

I don’t want to feel this lurking hostility!
Distracts my complete hospitality.
Stalking me like a meal, I can’t show what I feel.

Not until I break down and release.
Like an animal, on my knees at feast.
Only a small chunk taken from their population.
In mitosis they’ll be back shortly.
To start this destructive cycle again.

Silence
is
peaceful
silence
is
digestion
and
understanding

Silence is love

Melt into this
Beautiful
Ultimate
Calmness

Within a moment
Seek
Understanding
Seek
Revelation

Reflection scares me
The
Truth
It
Emulates
Is

Frietening

Breathtaking

Burdening

Lie
Lie to me

Who cares about me. I don't.

Blinded by the mirror
I realize I care
I care about connection. I care about achievement as a collective

Unity and selflessness are the only fulfillment
I
could seek

How utterly selfish
How utterly unselfish

The action and desire together

Both

Opposite

Seek to find selflessness
To fulfill ones self

The shimmer doesn't scare me anymore

I am repugnant
Repulsive

Light that comes back to me

From this

Portal of intense reality

Just sits inside

Unusable to me

Cursed by ego

I wither into a corner
To steep in my stench.

I can live like this
I have for years.

Luckily I'm not alone in a corner

Others steeping in their ****.

We are all to weak to come together

Stop moping
It makes us weaker

Stupidly we can't see that. And just mold and rot away in our dungeons.

Get up
And **** me

Punishment for wasting

Punishment for dulness

Correction
Useless

I’m blinded by desire

Blinded by lust

Dopamine
Is my Dream

The only way I’ll take it

Is now and neat

Waiting
Is repulsive

It makes me shake and gag

Wasting time
Relieves me

Oh **** I got a head rush

Falling from the hit

I feel a sense of dread

Reward
Void of struggle

Leads to emptiness

And muddle

I fail to employ this knowledge

And smolder in video games

In YouTube

And *******

Do everyone a favor

I’m insipid and useless

Make it slow and forever

Painful and selfless

******* **** me

I’ve neglected the preciousness of time

Claw a bit closer to me
Embrace my malevolent ability
This will help you feel a reality

You feel so safe without wonder
But pine for authenticity
As you rot inundated by false benevolence
You live in such gleaming
It’s insanity

I’ll pluck you from this numbness
By fogging your false sun with a dismal filter
And I’ll *******

I am not what you expected?!
I am not what you wanted?!
I am truth. What you pine for idiot
I am tonic
I will make you feel something real

You’re scared of such a fiend
Only because you smolder in this apathetic medium

I’ll make you uncomfortable
I’ll make you feel like ****
A relief from your dystopian existence
This dissonance will wake you from your slumber

You will gulp from my malice
It will quench your thirst for authenticity
You will feel emotion
You will feel hatred
You will feel bitter sadness
You shall no longer be vestal like your peers

After I deflower you of such “innocence”
You will no longer mime false emotions
You will venerate happiness
You will cherish sympathy
Because you’ve been uncomfortable
And you’ve been in vacuous darkness

You like darkness.
You need it.
It makes the light more dear to you
In fact.
It illustrates your reality with such a fine and tenacious brush
That if it were replaced. You’d be blinded by the blurry falsity it leaves in its absence

For the sake of reformation
Don’t return to ingesting insipid entertainment
Don’t return to experiencing life through media
Digest honest art. Not pretentious art.
Not dull art either
You’ll live much happier

And I won’t have to violate you again my lamb

Sin with your kin.
Spread amour for kindness
Begin with acts of evil chagrin
Sin with your kin
Bin what's within
Greed is vileness
Sin with your kin
Spread amour for kindness

Happy Sad.

It’s not a great feat to conjure happy writing or happy experiences

Mostly everyone is completely able bodied to do so.

Writing dark just gathers attention and is so much easier to write due to relativity.

When something feels good. It blends in with mundanity. When something hurts. It stands out.

Attention seeking is ******. Vacuous is one who engages in such activities.

Therefore I will write a happy poem...

I’m about to eat a steak.
In a cabin that was built in the 20s.

It had the first flushing toilet in sublet county.

I climbed today, nothing difficult. But it was very enjoyable above Fremont lake.

Now, sitting here on this ancient deck. In utter silence besides the Birds. I don’t feel accomplished. I feel comfortable. I can’t and don’t have anything to prove.

It’s only been an adventure. Starting out with rolling my friends Jeep. And then not telling his father. But rolling it back over with a sketchy high lift jack setup as a winch.

I can’t really see any point in holding onto grudges. But honestly I know they’ll come back as soon as I get back to civilization. That disgusts me about myself. I enjoy the bliss of being without malice, however I do not avoid it beholding me again even after self reflection.

How pitiful.

The hate you keep inside won’t help you float.
But you cling to it, so below you.

Push it under you, to get above the waves.
But eventually the swell will drag you to hell.

Cling to it so below you.
It’s weight will stretch your arms.
Drag you down.

Down into the undertow. Against progress.
So vile, repugnant and insipid. You rot.
Your fingernails leave scars on hate.
You cling to it so.
But shout opposed to such accusation.

Now low enough the crash of the waves blind you.
Squinting through their spray, you struggle.
Treading in denial as you try to pull your hate to breast.

I’d reach out to you, if your hate wouldn’t drag us down together.
And we’d be clinging to something so below you.

This day in age really proves these creatures are mythical. A piety for pretentiousness inundates us. Drowning in its waters, our egos float up to our heads. Would it not be exceeding if we were as a Blemmy? For without a ceiling to float to, our egos would stay concealed. We could just drain our ocean of turgid avarice for fabricated intellect we seek to praise ourselves with. On the other hand we would become dull. But isn't it wise to at least conceal ego if we cannot smother it? Without ego we can work as one. Think as one. And when we achieve that, we receive the ability to complete all that is conceivable. To bad most aren't willing to give up what they treasure most. The acreage of Real discovery and accomplishment is a fertile, vestal place with unimaginable possibilities. Hopefully one day we will come together and parade through its pastures and meadows as one.

Only by fault, pseudo-intellect festers by closing ones vault. Withholding feelings and ego. If we were to unleash what treasures they hold, people wouldn't be cold. Feelings provide warmth to a personality. When shared they spread their warmth. Treasure locked up isn't useful. So find the key. Be charitable with what's inside. It brings people closer and births understanding and respect. Some feelings might burn, so be careful. Overall, common ground should be flushed out of its cave and nurtured. With friendship ego dies. What an accomplishment it would be to cure an illness society raised within us. Please. Loath it with others and we should grow closer together, to each other, and live in harmonious coexistence full of love.

Love has become a greedy act. Two people two minds. Their branches of accumulated knowledge and ability never intertwine. Coitus is all, and not exactly alchemy. We just "Love" now. It's tone is dull and hollow. We should come to ponder if it's time to wonder into an open question of loving not the physical. Our collective neglect for humanities has flown high. Love, science, math, empathy, art. All starved out by the greed of their caretakers and guardians. Phrases so selfish like, "I love you" or "I want you" should disgust us. What filth it fills our ears with, to repeat phrases that used to be meaningful. Now we call it art to compile them in a rhyme or writing as a whole. To describe a person only by the physical aspects you enjoy while you're in the shower, in bed etc. Not to say you shouldn't cherish people intimately. It should make our hearts low to have numbed phrases like those. If we collectively view love as something intense again we indulge our lives and others with a more profound meaning. We have lost touch of what it means to actually love someone. It's very rare now.

Essentially, being essential has left the act of *******
Recreationally, its disposition has changed
Innocence is torn away by arrogant, ignorant, deceitful lectures that **** ****** intent and understanding.
But the students are told to be grateful for this "education" and thank those who de-flower their young perception.
Have I missed out
They say stay young
But look who made us grow up so quick.

'Tis it fatal to gain consciousness
Stab thee narcissistic tumor
Is piercing ego a path to emptiness  
Gab selfishly, spread rumor

Seek experience for an epiphany
Entomb yourself in selfless amour
Eke exposure to project of unity
Bloom passion for connection

Pierce our demons
Schism is from hatred and isolation
Be fierce, pierce our samsara
Externalism, philosophically a jail

Together we can bend the bars of our mental jail
Once internal and unified, we will escape the infernal and petrified

What was once organic will return
Higher in consciousness
Stronger in alliance
And deeper in self reflection

A love will be born from a stabbing
A love will be born from a stabbing

From which verbal filth flows is called the mouth of a poet. Art is always biased and always leads to pretentiousness. Poison is a product of art. Everyone who partakes in this now fetish in the modern age is afflicted by it. Sometimes it's cured but it roots again and again. Luckily it's worth the illness it spreads. To live without pseudo-intellect would be boring. To not care about what others think would be so hard. To come together to explore art without smugness would be so impossibly difficult. No one would feel better or smarter than anyone else. It would dully ****. Let's be honest, meaningful discovery and understanding never happened when people work together without prejudice or ego, don't be ridiculous.

Feed us lies, thankfully we have you as our parents. So you can condescendingly preach us your scripture. Careful, you might end up our martyr. We just haven't woken up from our nap yet. When you wake us we'll build the cross. Keep on underestimating us. Once we come together and see through your *******, the government will lose two sons.

A net of self indulgence strangles us
Through it we see our indecency
We should hate our parents
Mother of our nature
And father of this selfish life bestowed upon us
Luckily paragraphs are short,
This one will just embarrass us for the rest of the essay
As so it should be.
The disgusting state of mind the net intoxicates us with is so painful to bear,
But to survive we must.
For being sober would be to alienate yourself from your fellow lamb
Wolves are shadowed within the herd, and don't pray on those poisoned with selfishness they are tainted with as well.