There’s a brilliant world of words and wine
Hidden behind the curtain:
A barrier of stares and smiles
Shyly given, modestly strained.
Each subtle push
Met with an even gaze.

Tell me more about yourself -
Your secrets
Your lies
Your favorite memories
Your darkest times.

There’s much more here
Than society allows we breach
On a first date meeting
In the middle of the week.

Sure, you swiped right
And that means you think I’m cute
But do we have a connection
Deeper than this Champagne flute?
I don’t want to talk about the weather
Or what your roommates do.
This isn’t an ad on craigslist,
You have nothing to prove.

Now you’re checking your phone
At every silence
*** we’re hardwired to our handheld
Asylum.
And if we aren’t leaving together
The night's been a bust.

No gain, no loss, no truths to wrestle -
No point finding a soul
In a hollow vessel.

Cry on, girl
Your troubles seem hard
But nobody hears it -
Your heart is scarred.
Why does each blow
Come with shortness of breath
And every step back

Come with pain in your chest?
You used to be stronger
Have walls in your heart
And an inner fire
That burned from the start.
But you learned over time
That people let you down
And sometimes they’re simply
Just not around.
You faced lots of things
Alone and you fought
To stay afloat -
Is harder than you thought.
Over time I guess
Those bumps in the road
Caused by falling objects
Make the path corrode.
Running back and forth
Arms shielding your head
Seems more like a chicken dance
Than a way to get ahead.
So you lay down your load
And collapse to the floor
Wondering as always
How much more?

Lost in you
Lost in me
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
Holding your breath
Letting it out
Whistling air -
Fill me with doubt.
Running away
See you someday
Hoped this would never end.
Caught in your sheets
Rolling so deep,
Could never call you a friend.
Burn down the door
On your way out -
Don’t cross that threshold again.
Tear me apart
Rip out my heart
It was only a matter of when.

All I can do is love or hate
Am i doomed to this bipolar state?
There's nothing in me I'd rather change
Than my ridiculous emotions - they are so strange!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

all my loves have left me
all my enemies too.
there's nothing in life like emotion
leaves you helpless and without a clue

Don’t stop me
From living my life.
Don’t tighten the rope
Don’t hand me the knife.

I’d gladly take it -
I follow your lead.
But nothing comes easier
When both of us bleed.

I can’t be your lifeboat
If I’m the sinking ship.
I can’t keep you from slipping
With too loose a grip.

The darkness surrounds me
As you drift away.
But I’ll be there to guide you
If you lose your way.

I thought it’d be easier
Like uncorking champagne -
Free flowing foam,
Inevitable fame.
But something inside me
Just dries up and quits.
I’ve run out of stories
I’ve scattered my wits.

Not that this matters
*** nothing remains -
A lighter sentence
Is all that I gain.

We are the first generation truly
free - free to create and destroy.
Living on borrowed time, we are
either the end or another beginning.

Is it me?
Or is it you?
I almost never know what to do.
In trying to protect myself I shut you out,
But I’m wrong to do so, without a doubt.
I’m sorry I don’t think I can trust you with my heart
When so many others have torn it apart.
You know I can’t bear the thought of us apart
So I guess that for now
It’s a good place to start.

if i go outside more
and try to cry less
i'd maybe believe
i won't just regress.

but that doesn't mean
i'll find any success -
Recovery doesn't just happen,
It's an ongoing process.

Gimme a rhyme
To pass my time

Gimme a dollar
Tighten my collar

Keep me in line
Revoke what is mine

No, I'm not doing fine
I walk a thin line

The judgement is there
I can't escape your stare...

The pages absorb what I think
My thoughts seem bleaker in ink

What am i being paid for

To sit here and rot?
While others move 'round me
Without second thought

Truly there must be
A reason we're here?
Maybe just avoiding
A sudden creeping fear.  

As the islands go under
And the houses give way
It's harder and harder
To imagine "someday"

I brace myself
For the spine shattering shiver

Leave the door open
By only a sliver.

There are two realities we choose to inhabit
The one in real time and the one suspended in virtual reality.
Aided by the ping of IMs
The scrolling feed of photoshopped landscapes
The stream of simplified consciousness
The endless swiping of chiseled bodies and imploring faces…
The images and messages we copy and save and download and delete -
Our lifeline of ones and zeros
Transformed before our tired eyes on little screens
Appears brighter and louder and more easily accessible than the space we inhabit
In a time slowly ticking away in a series of brief and passing moments.

Nobody has patience for real time
Where leaves darken and redden with passing seasons
Eventually withering and crumbling to dust.
Where the bright crimson **** is accompanied by a sharp pain
That lingers dully for days after the wound has puffed and the skin has laced itself back together.
And the burning emptiness that accompanies the silence
Throbs heavily in your chest long after the silence has been filled.
Nobody wants to gaze at an unchanging landscape
Long enough to notice the life in every swaying tree, every flying insect, every speeding car, every lonely passerby.
Or trace the path of light cast by the sun as it slowly moves its shadow over the steady scene.
People don’t care to stare into their partner’s eyes
Long and hard
In those moments of lapsed conversation.
Discovering insecurities and fears they had not realized were there. Needs and desires chewed, swallowed, and spit out as yesterday’s Instagram caption.

While we pose and polish and edit and post
Our hair grows longer
Our ears grow dimmer
Our minds grow duller
But the screen glows brightly.
And the likes accrue
And the friends multiply.

Maybe someday our headstones will be inscribed with our number of
Followers
Friends
And Connections -
Validating and memorializing our virtual reality.  
But beneath the earth
Our bodies will still be slowly decaying
Under the building sediment
Churning organisms
And passing of real time.

Can't tell you why
But time is the crime.
The victims lay buried under
Layers of forgotten memories.
When we choose to ignore,
We choose to forget
And injustice prevails by the simple act of passivity.
The hollow screams and frantic eyes stay captured in the moment,
Then shelved and forgotten by the negligence of time.

How do I stop
The little green dot and your name
From appearing at the top of my chat bar
Every time I go to stay connected with the world?
Daring me to click it
Ask how you are
Ask you not to forget me.

There it is –
Staring directly at me.
Raised off the screen -
But I’m didn’t ******* pay for 3D.

Hovering green dot -
Appearing then disappearing and reappearing.
The symbolism ripped from the pages of Gatsby doesn’t escape me.

At least if all we had was a narrow channel between us I could simply swim across.

Wherever we went
Something followed.
Something twisted and hollow and bleeding from the mouth.
It lingered in the attic we stayed that sticky summer
And it rested alongside your mahogany canopy bed
Exhaling its rotting stench of doubt and fear
In a cold room of sickly green walls
And crimson carpet.

I could hear it moving downstairs as muffled voices
Cast angry pitches at the marble floor
Sliding off the surface and crashing into crystal heirlooms.

It dragged its claws behind us
Through the autumn leaves as we walked in silence
Letting the sun warm the parts our words could not.

And somehow it cast its reflection
Onto that sky
Thrown up over the dark tossing waves
Where a rainbow collided with the sunset
Flooding colors and light and shadow
Somewhere halfway to heaven but sinking slowly into hell.

I could feel it there -
A lump rising in my throat as I realized we were never meant to see behind the curtain
But someone forgot to close it all the way
And for a moment that defied time and space
We were brought to the edge
And had to guide ourselves back blinded
But breathing the earth deeper than ever.  

I know you felt it there too
Which is why when I saw the post on Facebook
All I could think was -
What did you do.

I never asked how it happened
Because deep down I knew
You had been ready
To die.

I have to move on.
I have to pack away these beautiful memories
Of touch and sight and sound and feel
Of kisses and long walks and longer nights
And instead
I have to focus on the future
And recognize that life is long
And unexpected.

My lovers and friends today
Might not be in my life tomorrow.
While strangers today
Might change my life tomorrow.  
And the lovers and friends of my past might show up again unexpectedly,
Weaving themselves into my future.
But for now
I will remember their strength, their love, their power, and all the ways they made me a better person.
And instead of feeling empty and heavy and sad -
Realize how lucky I was to know them.
For our lives to intersect
And then diverge again
To make way for new memories and experiences.

But I will never forget.
Just keep moving forwards
Since that is the only direction time allows.

8:30 AM on the way to school
Dad questions my existence.
How can you be sure you’re real?
And this life isn’t planned or constructed?
Who’s really in control?
Haven’t you heard – when people start looking familiar, it’s because God has run out of extras...

The scorched hills roll by in waves under the clear California sky.
Maybe none of it is real. How would you know?
Maybe you’re the subject of a tv show –
And I’m not really your dad.
And I’m just scripted to have this conversation.

If so

Then
Let them see
My fits of crazy
The ugly faces I make in the mirror
My secret tears
And ***** blood
And demented body
And twisted face
And let them know
That I am human.
After all.

As a child
My body was mine.
My plump round stomach
And chubby legs
Felt like a part of me.
There was nothing to change or fix
I was simply me.
And my body was mine.

As a pre-teen
My stomach was biggest at night.
When I looked down,
It was hard to see my toes.
But after a shower, my hair curled softly around my face and fell in waves down my back
And when I looked closely in the mirror
I could see golden flecks in my greens eyes.
My long arms and legs made me fast
And strong.
Despite my protruding stomach,
There was nothing to change –
I was me,
And my body was mine.

As a teen
The hair on my legs was too dark
And made me look like a boy.
The hair in other places disgusted
And angered me.
It would never go away.
The tenderness in my ******* in the morning
Frustrated me
While my flabby arms
Bulging belly
Thick legs
And bulky hips
Stayed hidden in oversized T-shirts
And saggy jeans.
Looking in the mirror -
Was I still me?
Against my wishes
My body was mine.

As a young adult
I discovered the release of running
And the loss of appetite and slim waist that came with it.
Sometimes it would take skipping a meal or two
But when I laid down,
I could feel my rib cage.
Even if my body was out of my control
And continued to change and bleed and contract and expand
I could take it where I wanted
I could push it as far as it could go
I could ******* sweat and feel my heart and lose my breath.
Only in these moments
Was my body mine.

Nearing adulthood
My chest filled out
While my waist shrank to reveal muscle and bone.
My hips afforded a generous hourglass figure;
Heads turned when I walked.
My hair no longer frizzed and fried at the ends
And my teeth shone straight and white after years of braces.
My cheeks glowed and my eyes sparkled.
I discovered the pleasure my body could bring me
And the pleasure it could inspire in others.
My long legs and arms
Were mine
My ******* and hips and ****
Were mine
As were my greens eyes, golden hair, and full lips.

But something inside
Was alien.
Something inside was cold and lonely and afraid
That my body would not be respected
Or loved.
Only used by those who took pleasure in it.
I needed to protect it.
To ensure that my body was mine.

Running and running and running and running
You can only go so far before your mind catches up.
And you can only play being in love so many times
Before you start to wonder, if this body is yours -
Why it feels nothing.

And when you look in the mirror
And recognize little of the child
Or the pre-teen
And the teen
And the young adult –
It’s easy to let anyone use your body.

But with time you realize
That like the carpet bag you sew flags and memorabilia into as you drag it through the world,
Your body is an artefact of everywhere you’ve been.
And everyone who has touched you.
And your muscles move at your command
And your lungs inflate with air
And your heart beats in your chest and resonates throughout your body
And your eyes pick up the smallest movement
From miles away
While your ears can detect a silent breath in a dark room.
And your crooked tooth
Gives you a slight lisp that brings a new tone to your singing.
And your acne scars serve to remind of everywhere you’ve been
While the bruises under your eyes remind of everyone you’ve lost.
And this body is all you have
To carry you through.
And though the outside may change and the face in the mirror may not always seem like your own
Inside, it is me.
And my body is mine.

Ugly spider dog
“yuck.”
      “That’s the woman from the Lebanese place around the corner.”
Stiffening
Stomach drops, breathe catches.
Guilt weighs in
Sickening shame.
As he opens the door
Turn around to peek
Did she see me?
In my bright summer dress
Shoulders bare, back exposed
With another boy
Dark skin, wild eyes.
She sits on the stoop looking after us, her eyes a mystery.
Head in her hands –
She looks away.

There is no such thing as love.