you remind me of him...
just your mannerisms in my mind.
instead of seeing you I see him,
it frightens me to no end.
I can hear his voice inside my head...
it echoes through my ears,
the voice in my head,
how much must I beg,

to rid it from my mind.

am I a drag, a bore?
what do I even try for?
all my hopes and dreams of loving,
have hit a snag.

I’d rather be a pigeon
than a blue bird.
I’d rather be me, and be free,
then sit in my cage and act pretty.

I want to take it all away from you
every last ounce of discomfort, bring it to me
I will bear it on the back of my shoulders
never letting you see the way it weighs me down
if I could take it all tomorrow, if it were gone tomorrow, you wouldn’t have to worry again
I’d hold it without a hint of pain on my face
I would breathe for you, be the breath in your lungs, give you the strength you need for today
if I could take it all tomorrow, I would take it all away, I would put it on myself without hesitation
I’d take the soreness, the fatigue, and weakness
without a second guess, it would be gone tomorrow, you would feel no more pain tomorrow

if you went away tomorrow
I hope you’d take my love away with you
as your body returned to the dust in which it came
I would pray your last thought would be my love
and when you closed your eyes, I hope you’d feel my lips
the kisses that translated a love I couldn’t speak

my mouth can never say all that you mean to me
my body can never show all the affection I feel
because I’m everything I am today because of you

when I look at you
love is alive in my eyes
it still lives in me

I left my heart back in Kiev,
found my soul in South Korea.
I dreamed of the northern lights,
and saw a shooting star in Paris.

I lost my virginity in Ibiza,
drank too much up in Dublin.
I ran in the streets of Ljubljana,
and drove with windows down in Sydney.

everywhere I go
you’re not
it’s all you
you, you, you, you

you broke my heart when you mentioned ways for one to **** themselves,
because things you described hit home.
they resonated with me and what I’ve dealt with.
I’ve lost two friends, two beautiful souls to the horrific and morbid things you said was a “joke”.
I felt tears well in my eyes but I had to keep them in so I wasn’t weak.

I miss my friends.

You completely belittled the things they did to themselves.
You called their methods “weak” and them a “*****” for not doing it in a more public and dramatic fashion.
In that moment you were “joking”.
But it wasn’t a joke to me.

Suicide is not a joke to me because my friends are gone because of it.

when I awoke, my bed was empty,
and your warmth was not beside me.
I looked for you, you did not come.
my eyes searched for yours,
only to be left with a broken heart
when the door opened,
revealing an unfamiliar comfort.
o, let me receive you, come now.
fill this empty space in my bed,
plant a kiss upon my head.
take my hand, trace my skin.
outline my aching frame.
like a river, let thine love flow.
deny me not this truth.
love me, that’s all I ask of you.
riches we need not.
just the love in our hearts.
let this carry us through all of our days.

my greatest fear is your own mortality
the mere thought of your breath leaving this world
frightens me too much to fathom
I pace and yearn to know you’re safe and sound
abhorring the ease in which these burdens fill my space
an overwhelming longing for clarity occupies me
an my chest tightens with horror every passing second
an unexplainable terror making home in a bed of lies
it knows that I need you to sleep
I toss and turn, unable to stay still
until I know that you have your breath
the light fades to a dark distress, deep anxiety flooding me
anguish cradles me with lullabies of deceit
and all I can do is lay as my hands cover my ears
but external sounds blocked do not block whispers inside my mind
all I see is a collection of neurosis
my own inquietude steals my breath like a thief
I lie awake and shake with dread and trepidation
until finally I’m on my knees looking above me
“please, let him have his breath” I cry vanquished
“all I ask is you keep him shielded from all harm”
I hope that you still have breath
that you inhale, exhale a breathe of peace

it’s dripping from my lips
running down, as I look up at you
meeting your lion eyes
I push it down further,
feeling your warmth captivate me
I close my eyes
taking you in in every single way
abuse my innocence
I surrender my frame,
so play me like your game
making your own rules as you go
you are who I submit my name
walking into your room,
the color in our eyes blurring with lust
the stares of a king
looking at his gold
overflowing with a treasure unknown
spread before him, helpless
pleading for a form of mercy
and sweet, sweet release
this fire it churns deep inside,
burning up all through my spine
dry tears they fall down
and from my head slips my crown
your precious little treasure
bought with silver and gold,
I promise to be on my knees
bowing before your power
listening to every order given to me

I have the honor to be
your obedient servant

they don’t know.
they don’t know.
I tell myself over and over and over.
it’s impossible,
purely impossible,
for one to know my thoughts.
they cannot see me,
they cannot know,
so why is it I hesitate.
this feeling of paranoia,
so strong it drives me to insanity,
bedevils me even now.
I will myself to persuade my mind
that truly they do not know,
cannot know, will not know.
I tremble in the moment,
the ones that debilitate me,
leave me questioning my own reality.
it feels that they’re inside my head,
beckoning me...taunting me.
but I tell myself no, no,
no way in hell can they know.
for surely it is not possible,
for them to see me.
so why do these anxieties plague me,
over things I know they cannot know.

I’ll start acting like a lady,
no more misbehaving,
I promise that I’ll change me.
no more of what we’ve been up to.
I’ll leave it all up to you,
no more of what we used to do.

I crave your voice in the darkest night
and your gentleness comes running to me
the very second I call out to you
you’ve taught me what safe feels like
and you healed my broken soul
I didn’t know what love was until I met you
your love gives me wings
I fly above the cloudy skies I couldn’t conquer
but now I don’t worry anymore
you’ve given me a lifetime in our short days
and I hope our days feel shorter
as we live our forever together
from now on I promise to scream it loud
scream to the world I love you
I’m not blind to this feeling like I once was
I embrace the love we have
and I always will love you

I never want to live without you
if you ever stray from me
please just take my breath away
empty lungs hurt less than a broken heart

so please just tell me that you love me
even if you don’t really mean it
just trick my heart into believing you
say it so that I may rest, tonight

tonight I finally heard your voice.
the voice I’ve been curious about,
a sound I tried to create and imagine in my head, but none of my attempts compared to it.
it was more than I could’ve ever thought.
it was soft, it was smooth,
laced in control and humble superiority.
a voice my heart will sing for,
a song my mind will race because of.
I long to hear the chorus,
I yearn for it to be more,
but I will take what I can get.
I pray to listen to that voice a multitude more.
maybe in the future, I wish for you to sing for me.

I’ve no one to share
the joy that is in my heart
no one will listen

If I were to tell someone I was abused, I feel at first they would not believe me. They would demand to see the bruises, read the proof, look at the prescription.

But one thing society does not understand is that emotional and psychological abuse doesn’t have a word-for-word textbook definition. It can vary from person to person. What may be traumatic for one, may be harmless to another.

It’s because of this very concept that I’m lacking the help I need. I’m having to help myself deal with the burdens I can hardly even carry. Reminding myself that “I’m safe.” and there’s no way that they can get to me anymore is draining and exhausting.

My own parents would laugh at the idea of my suffering. I hate the thought but it’s how I feel. They would say, “but it’s been so long. you need to get over it already. it’s fine.” but what is it they don’t understand?

Forget the rhyme of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Words go deeper than any cut, actions linger than a broken bone, so why can’t they for once open their eyes and see that their daughter is broken inside?

Can they not see past my smiles and happiness? Even a happy person has scars too. Even a confident soul has burdens to carry. No one escapes from that fact of life.

I’m the happiest I’ve been in my life after I left you. But the things you did to me still hurt. And just because I’m the best I’ve ever been, does not mean I’m excluded from pain, and denied help.

you sing the language of my heart, o, songs so sweet, too lavish to name. it is true that pure and just souls are the only ones with ears to hear the melody sung by you. no other tainted, conceited heart is equipped to understand the tongue you speak. an ode of love so powerful that those that are wicked in nature condemn the song they choose by action not to hear. O, sweet and utter fools! my tender spirit breaks for the judgment they bestow on you,  for what do they know since they cannot hear the melody? their preconceived notion‘s are their faults and blindness, they are deaf to your song of love. and again I say what do they know? since they chose not to acquire the language of true and everlasting love. and it is to be said, those who do not hear are ignorant in love, and not by bliss, but by stupidity.

I fell asleep listening to your breathing
it sounded like music in my ears
the way your chest rose and fell
the sound of your inhale, exhale
rocked me fast to sleep

this summer has been for insomnia.
nights where sleep cannot plague me,
and only music fills my ears.
at least I have found my company,
people to keep me at ease while I lay awake.
they see the sun, while I see the moon.
an ocean apart, one sunrise ahead of me.
it seems surreal that when I lay my head to rest,
they’re busy-ing themselves with a day.
though I’m happy they keep me company,
I’m grateful they bring a form of peace.
in their voice is familiarity.
their words can soothe me, because I know their voices so well.
their calming features helps my stiff muscles relax,
their sweet lullabies rock my gently.
insomnia is disheartening,
but it’s bearable when you have their company.

slow mornings,
soft lights.
easy touches,
sleepless nights.
steady breaths,
messy hair.
heavy eyelids,
cool air.
side-ways smiles,
delicate skin.
hushed voices,
my morning sin.

my days are longer without you near
the sun sets slower, and my nights stay darker
the clock is ticking but I feel no remnant
I drag my feet behind me with my chin to my chest
kicking up dust with my shoes
what I live is a pattern of monotony
a constant loop of never-ending tedium
the rising and setting of the sun is all the same
it’s a pointless cycle of idle moments
sitting still instead of doing
each hour is a broken record catching on its hinge
it doesn’t move forward, but neither backward
not until I spend my days next to you
because seconds last longer when I’m not with you

you remind me that there are no monsters under my bed, no voices in my head and nothing that can ever harm me,
when I’m with you.

the stature of a tree
deeply rooted in the softness of the ground
intertwined and entangled in nature
driven by an unexplainable instinct
to bear down in a soil damp with rain
roots dug further to earths core
a satisfaction of nature’s fulfillment
an act defined by a drive all know
blossoms bloom and erupt in beauty
and the breeze sweeps through the branches
as a breathless, tired earth breathes
the ground wraps around the tree
clinging in love and protection
two beings now made one in one act to be whole

medicine doesn't always come in the form of a capsule, powder or bitter tasting liquid. medicine isn't always hard to swallow or a pain to refill at the pharmacy, nor is it made by a chemist wearing a white coat and goggles. sometimes medicine is a heartfelt laugh from the person you love. it's a gentle whisper that everything is okay, a squeeze of the hand bringing reassurance and calm. medicine is a smile with eyes turned up in a grin. it's an hour of time spent in the park with kisses and conversation. it doesn't come with annoying side-effects of pounding headaches and dizziness with fatigue. instead it reaps results: healing of mind, body and soul.

God knew my heart needed you
for a time such as this
to be my rock and my protector
my safe place and the source of my smiles
to give me hugs when I’m cold
to kiss my mouth when I’m speechless
to hold my hand when I’m unsteady
and He let me find comfort in your warmth

I:

need,
want,
miss,
love,

you.

I used to write poetry.
write about feelings I’d never known before.
but now that I experience them,
the emotions once foreign to me,
I realize they’re nothing like I imagined.

I thought my heart would pour words onto paper,
overflowing with an uncontrollable joy.
but instead it’s soft and steady.
a warmth that radiates calmly across my chest.
it’s simple and it’s comfortable.

now that I know what this feels like,
it’s as if I’ve lost my vocabulary,
forgotten how to write.
because the only thing on my mind
is this feeling you give me.

one I’ve never known before.

all I ever do is run
because I seem to do more harm than good
would you even notice if I fell away?
kept on running with no plans to stay.
I’m no extraordinary universe,
no one can really see me.
I’m nothing more than an empty room,
filled with broken pieces that no one wants to see.

I see chocolate,
in your eyes and in your hair.

I taste the cocoa on your lips,
and trace my fingers down to your hips.

you’re intoxicating, you’ve left me tipsy.
a winsome smile painted ear to ear.

the way you stood so tall and proud,
shining more light than the night allowed,
left me breathless.

your coffee-coloured features awoke me,
giving me my strength and energy.
and your tranquil gaze swept me off my feet.

your alluring charm is irresistible.
something one may say is fictional,
but to me you’re completely real.

all I wanted was a kiss
a kiss I had craved since the last
I hadn’t even asked for much
just a moment with you
and no one else
nothing even outrageous
just an innocent second of love
with no prying, teasing eyes
a time where I could take you in
feel you and all your affection

I buried my head in your shoulder in vexation
closing my eyes and instead relishing your warmth
and yearning for a day with no interruptions
where I can focus on you, and only you
because all I want is your love wrapped in a kiss

with all due respect,
please don’t love me yet.
my heart is too fragile,
too broken, still it aches.
I can’t take another heartbreak,
I’m too afraid to let you in.
as much as I want to,
I’m too ******* with the past.
I beg of you,
please don’t love me yet.
I’m not ready, it’s moving all too fast.
hold the names on your tongue,
please don’t say them yet.
my eyes they burn with tears,
as fear begins to pool.
I cannot love you yet,
I’m too freshly healed.
this has nothing against you,
not one bit it does not.
I want to fix myself,
so maybe I can love you best.
I wince at the names you call me,
please don’t call me that yet.
I don’t have the heart to tell you this,
how can anybody?
I wish to rid myself of the pain,
to let go and let you in.
but I can’t, I just can’t.
please let’s take this slow.
we’re moving far too fast.
I don’t mind the stories and the questions,
but please hold off on love.
is it so hard to ask?
with all due respect,
please don’t love me yet.

we stared into the sunset,
an endless, never-ending sea of possibility.
thoughts roamed our minds,
each filled to the brim with a familiar yearning.
the kind that settles between our ribs,
and tugs at our souls.
it pulls us close, close, closer.
until our heartbeats melt together,
pump in a single steady flow.
we breathe in the same rhythm and time,
because from now until forever,
we will be completely intertwined.
we make each other whole.
connection stings in our bones,
we are deeply connected,
more than just body to body,
it’s soul to soul.
our love runs oceans deep.

one month down
forever to go
one kiss felt
millions to come
one moan out
a thousand more to sound
one touch placed
an infinite amount to feel

we come out of the night that leaves us blinded,
crawling on our hands and knees,
searching for an effective escape.

it’s all black on black, a dream in a dream.
we fall into the trap, we’re pulled into the chain.
our hearts put up a facade.

racing towards an undefined finish line,
we’ll find our passion and our purpose,
we’ll become the real ones.

so much is clouded in our thoughts.
diving into unknown territory, waters so deep.
how do we know this is our mission?

are we who we present ourselves as?

do we fit into the mold?

(I will open my eyes, find my seventh sense,
and breathe)

I’ve more love for you than the galaxy has stars, the place where heaven must lie. a vast eternity of beauty so unfathomable, only a fraction of souls seem to accept that one cannot understand it.

likewise, you will never know just how much I love you. everything that makes you who you are makes me love you more. my love is as infinite as the universe, it goes as far as the east is from the west, forever.

the dust of the stars are in your eyes, reflecting worlds you yearn for and of places so unearthly, so unimaginable. the longer I contemplate on my soul’s adoration for you, the only result I receive is a plethora of renewed love. a commitment to love you beyond the stars, push beyond the boundaries of what one can comprehend and give unconditionally.

because my love for you is as timeless as infinity and it outnumbers the stars. and the universe is but a mere speck in comparison to all the love I have for you.

it’s alright if you run out breath
no one will blame you
making mistakes is okay
it all happens to everyone
please don’t be ******* yourself
be well

I’ll never understand
what you may go through
but I promise I’ll always hold you
I’ll hold your heart in my hands
protect it with the last of me
I’ll always love you and all your imperfections
because loving you is all I do

when the light has faded behind the horizon
and the darkness has made itself at home
I’ll be there by your side
together we’ll walk hand in hand
toward the sea of healing
no matter how long the path is
I’ll be there every step of the way

this is my promise
that everyday I’ll choose you
even when the life has been swept away
I’ll cover you in all my love
beside you until the end

no one has ever made me feel the way you do
and because that I’m grateful
I want to make you happy
all the days I live
you are my forever
and I love you with all I am, it’s unexplainable
all I know to do is follow you

you are my light and my friend
my greatest joy and treasure
and you are my love

ever since I met you
all my words fall freely
your affection is my encouragement
inspiring me to transcribe
these emotions so fresh
your smiles moves my hand across paper
your laughter flows like ink
because the man I love holds my words
and he makes sense of them all

you are the morning song sung by the birds of the air, and the chimes of the gentle beasts of the ground.
you are the bubbling of the stream that winds through the trees, and the mighty white-capped waves of the sea.
you are ethereal forbearance, and you lavish a merciful grace upheld by the truth that you are not entirely perfect.
you are the stars and the rolling thunder, with humble sounds of triumph and whispers.
your love is deeper than all of the oceans, it’s higher than any mountain.
and I’m falling further into your love that won’t leave me on my own.
it’s a love that holds on and will not let go.

I want to know every inch so well
remember every groove of your skin
I want to learn all there is to know
so teach me the ways of your body
let me love you in every single way