he touched me
and my knees felt weak
my mind went blank
and I didn't know how to speak

Yo hago todo si me dices por favor
because I can’t resist the way you say it mi amor

you’re my glass slipper
immaculately formed just for me
there’s only one of you
that was refined for only me
and together we fit
we fit just perfectly

the creator of the horse.
the goddess of the sea.
the master of winds.
the commander of the breeze.
offspring of Epona, gilded and refined,
to protect the majesty of the divine.

spinning colours.
flashing lights.
pounding music.
rooms too bright.

tucked away amidst the dawn,
he took a drag on Mary Jane,
coating her in liquor rain,
as he thought of thought of lustful times forgone.

he sat the pill right on his tongue,
and watched it melt away.
he closed his eyes and swallowed vulgarly,
for there was no time to be a saint this day.

he hid within an acid storm.
and his promises were holy,
when he watched the load drip down slowly.
for the psychedelic pleasure held him warm.

will you pursue me,
chase me in a loving way,
and show you want me?

in a crowded room,
why won’t you say you love me?
are you too ashamed?

his love stretch’d down from heaven above
with my peace derived from his affection
once astray now brought to life
lost in an untamed sea, but
o, what joy - o, what joy
he found me

you were here and gone so fast
it felt too soon but your presence calmed me
the second you left I felt distressed
my heart was drug behind you
when you walked away
I wanted to follow and cling to you
and never let you go
you ease my mind and I forget my pain
every single second I’m with you
I’m lost, helpless and afraid without you
when I leave you it’s a struggle
my mind shuts down and I panic
the world caves in and I can’t breathe
I want to be in your arms again
I need to feel you beside me again

each night I can’t help but think about you,
imagining you’re next to me lulls me right to sleep.
I pray for the warmth that I can only conjure up in my mind.
the darkness lasts too long without you,
and suddenly I’m four years old again,
with creatures lurking in the shadows and monsters under my bed.
then I’m yearning for your touch to bring me calm,
settle me down and ease my anxious heart.
I can’t help but want you next to me,
I have space next to me for you to lay your head.
so, until the day comes that you’re here,
I will silently wish for you all over again.

you looked, but did not follow
and I think that broke my heart more

His eyes were as soft as clouds, yet filled with a hardness one cannot put a finger on.
Though the eyes, orbs of themselves, lingered in a gaze of yearning, they comforted the pounding heartbeat. The voice, brimmed with wit soothes The Anxious with clement care.

He was not caught up, not tangled in the briars of fear, he stood firm, as the shade loomed above his shoulders. The tender voices hushed at his presence, falling into the quiet of the dark.

The Gate was swung ajar, beckoning with an outstretched hand, fingers curling, saying: “come this way.” He took a transfixed step forward, but his confusion swept him away.

Dare he attempt to find the opened Gate?
Or shall he await for it to find him once more?

some days I sit back
and wonder what it feels like to be small.
I dream of looking up to meet his gaze,
instead of him being the one to do so.
I crave the sensation of my head
burying into his chest,
feeling so secure.
But instead I settle for my chin resting
on his shoulder.
It pains me when they don’t look down to me,
when instead they’re meeting my eyes
or worse, looking up to me.

I don’t mind my tummy or my thighs that touch.
My round cheeks and hips don’t bother me.
It’s only my tall height that gets me down,
that makes me feel so self-conscious.
I’ve cried and cried and cried,
prayed and prayed and prayed,
that some day I’ll wake up in a new body.
A smaller body, one just four inches shorter.
So I can hear his heartbeat drum in my ear,
so I can look up to meet his gaze.
So that I can feel secure and not uncomfortable.
Maybe one day I can accept,
but for now I just want to feel small.

I love, my love. this love I give to you.
here, love! find rest in my ***** of sleep.
dear, heart. I beseech you, open your pain.
let hurt flow and feel the stinging of the rain.
pray, do not hide from my shield.
instead, won’t you come find shelter in your grief?
I implore, implore! I swear to you I hear.
no judgement shall find you, from what you whisper in my ear.
I promise you refuge, and a never-ending love,
shall descend on you like healing light from above.
come, humble vagrant.
pursue my listening ears.
I promise to never push you away,
no matter what it is you say.
I see your value, your identity, your worth.
such beauty given at your birth.
I ache and long to share your pain,
help in anyway I can.
I’ll take your pain and your sorrows,
I’ll make them my very own.
here I am to love, like a fetter bind thy to me.

there’s a strange haze that settles in my chest
between my ribs and deep in my heart
lies an enigmatic pile of debris
my finger can not pinpoint the culprit
I debate whether it’s shame shoved in a body
or a tainted memory from years past
all I know is it troubles me
leaves me suspecting the state of my confidence
from where does my dilemma stem?
maybe an action from the ***** of uncertainty
a cocktail of apprehension and regret
bottled up and serving two
no sense is made of the mixture
it leaves a bitter and sour taste on my tongue
and an aftertaste of humiliation

sometimes I find it hard to talk to you
so I make lists in my sleep,
of something I could say.
but still I come up empty.
what is it about you?
I can’t live with you or without you.
every single day, I sit in my anxiety.
trying to find a way to say anything.
won’t you remember that I’m your baby?
and if you give a ****, won’t you not leave me?
you’re the one I’ll always choose,
please be mine and don’t waste my time.
love me for who I’m meant to be,
so won’t you please give me something?
because sometimes it’s hard for me to talk to you.

I knew the moment I saw you, that you were the love of my life
seeing the way you glow when you smile,
and how your eyes almost squeeze all the shut when you laugh,
makes my heart skip a beat.
you stole my breath away with the sound of your voice, a voice so calming and true.
you mesmerized me with your thoughts,
and I was captivated by everything you said.
you left me inquisitive, curious and yearning.
I could never help but be freed from my burdens and worries when I was next to you.
your warmth enveloped me like a kiss,
and I could never get enough of it.
I promised myself right then and there to love you.
I whispered gently, so gently that only I could hear,
that you were the love of my life.

when I hear the footsteps up the stairs,
I know there’s something coming.
either a lecture, a scolding or a request,
it’s hardly not these.

just sometimes when I hear these footsteps,
I wish it’d be for good.
for them to ask about my day,
or about the boy I love.

but rather it’s a list of things I do not do.
I can’t clean right, I don’t work, I haven’t any perfect grades.
so they take the time at night,
to shame me for these ways.

I want them to come upstairs,
with smiles on their face.
to praise me for the things I do do right,
and not the things I do wrong.

sometimes I wonder
if you think about me too
or if you forget

to love is to be afraid.
afraid of forever.
because forever is eternity.
and eternity creates disquiet.
but with you it seems at ease,
this notion on loving incessantly.
almost like the concept of time is nonexistent,
that with you it does not grieve.
my heart be disposed, pray.
that I may love you.
and give you everything.
everything.
a list of firsts and lasts.
comfortably and effortlessly,
so it seems it was painted without a fault.
stars aligned just perfectly,
hearts in sync as one.
that I may love you selflessly,
without fear of failure,
or the concept of an unworthy mind.

insecurity gets the best of me.
even when I don’t mean for it to.
a fear of becoming bothersome
with these afflictions I try to suppress.
I suffer restlessly with these sentiments,
earnestly craving a silence from the voices
that resound persistently in my head.
I struggle with the irons wrapped around me,
screaming routinely that it’s all a facade.
no matter how hard I try, how far I run,
the thoughts are always ahead of me.
always one step in front, beckoning me.
enticing me to welcome their embrace.
an embrace of sorrow, of lies and of pain.
a place of immeasurable uncertainty.
blanketed by a face of calm.

maybe I do love him.
despite every time I try to deny it all,
it still hurts sometimes.
I’ll always remember how he kissed me,
held my head gently in his hands,
pulled me close and touched me just right.
I want it to get easier,
slowly letting go of the one who damages me,
but he lays claim to me,
every time I try to give my heart away.
reminding me he had me first,
and knowing that I’ll always fall for his touch.
I’ll never escape him,
because I could never say no to him.
he knows the power he holds over me,
knows how easily he could have what he wants.
my hopeless heart cries out,
praying for a form of clarity,
that never comes.

I trust you will take care of me
for as long as we both shall live
during days of rain and darkness
I know you'll be my light
your warmth will envelope me
your skin shall find my own
with every whisper, every heartbeat
I'll give myself to you
I trust you with my life
that you'll cherish and protect me
I will follow you wherever you go
because you are my shelter and my shield
your love will be my guide
my medicine and my covering
I know full well you will take care of me
for as long as we both shall live

I long to feel your warm skin envelope me,
I crave to breathe in your scent and feel at home.
chills arise on my body at the thought of your arms pulling me close to you,

my chest aches when I think of it...

I shudder at your voice mumbling a vast “I love you”, it sets my soul on fire, it also ices my heart.
It’s a fickle feeling, this one about you.

You’re a first love, though not mine, you are to many. I like to pretend you’re mine.
Your very essence provides shelter and escape for a plethora of souls, mine being one,

and it is not right...

I know this full well,
I struggle day in and out,
to find my worth in myself and the one above,
but my fleshly blood wants you.

I shouldn’t,
and I can’t.
Praise God that I can’t have you,
or else my soul would be sold to you.

I can’t bring myself to get out of bed
my aching soul just wants you near
the tiredness of my eyes craves your warmth
so finally they can close with a sense of safety
the burden on my heart is too heavy to bear
I lug it with me everywhere I go
I tell myself that a happy heart still breaks,
and joy still has pain
but even through it I can never rid it
so please forgive me
I am feeling an unimaginable sense of grief

I found you and fell instantly.
you pulled me under, an undertow in the ocean.
you washed me in your unrelentingly charm.
seductive eyes. luring hands. tempting lips.
head tilted back, mouth ajar with a heavy sigh, eyes still locked and trained on mine.
you reach your own victory,
and it’s even in your name.

I’ve handled worse than this.
I didn’t bend when I should’ve broke,
I didn’t slip when I should’ve fell.
Holding my head high I faced my giants,
even with a heavy heart I still fought.

I question if it’s me that’s the problem,
being so blind, oblivious.
things don’t make sense sometimes,
I try to figure it out and I come up empty handed.
I can never fully grasp why.

I’ve carried a much heavier weight between my ribs,
my heart has broken so much worse,
so why is it that this time I shrug my shoulders?
not to brush it off, but embrace it?
I’ve finally learned without conflict there’s no peace.

We learn through our riots the meaning of calm.
Without them would it be as sacred?
Would our peace be as precious if it’s all we’d ever known?
Learning to not take for granted our sunshine is the first step in accepting the rain.
To run from war at first, means you can’t appreciate the freedom after.

why won’t you come find me,
when my eyes clearly search for you,
when you’re the only thing
I’ve been looking forward to?
why don’t you come find me?

won’t you fight for me
when my heart calls out to you,
or will you ignore?

I was never one to listen to love songs,
I never had a reason to.
but the moment I laid eyes on you,
I longed to take in the lyrics in the dark,
with my fluttering heart and a great-big smile plastered on my face.
you made me a sappy school girl,
foolish and in love.
giddy and full of day dreams.
you made my summertime filled with sunshine,
your smile lit up the room,
and I wish we could both say “I do.”

just tell me that you think I look pretty tonight
and that my eyes look dazzling under lights
please don’t hesitate on all that you’re thinking
because now all the thoughts in my head are spinning

hair like honey,
eyes like diamonds.

skin like porcelain,
smile like the sun.

never again,
not today,
will I ever let you stay.

I’ve caught the pattern,
I see the signs.
and I know it deep inside my mind.

I will not be your tool,
for you to use,
for you to bruise.

Not today,
never tomorrow.
Suffer alone through the sorrow.