Evil in my head twisting around
Did I drown
    Or did I wet my feet in ******
Blood pouring
  Down the stairway to Heaven
         And into the mouth of an entity
A thirst so unquenchable
     Its no wonder I tend to breathe the other direction
     Because a hint of moisture on my breath would be a warrant for my death
             Dying of thirst
Its not new but the truth doesnt fade
    It keeps on flowing until you cover up its fangs

Turning on the television I see what she wants
        Long enough to hear the click before I pick up the phone
  Channels change and the bigger picture gets lost in her hang ups
     I need to be alone
But the zone shes got me in I never am
     My hands are tied as she ropes me in
   Remote control sin at the push of a button
        My vision got hazy
From the haze and the hair in my face
        You push against as I push inside
            All I can see is your side of the story
    And all your plot holes and faults
        Crazy thing I love them all
     With your hands in my hair and your name on my mind
         Censor bars never got our time since you're fine and the only thing wrong is cents
        Dime?
   Ten pennies isnt right for your thousand dollar body
    At least I lease to own all of you
    This passion is a home with a roof of ****** energy
     Just proves your into me
  And when im over you
     The overview is 5 stars
I never paid mind to old reviews from broken hearts that owed to you
            I'll collect every nerve and deposit the right touch to every spot

           But ****, if not
I'll just watch TV til we both go off

The words I spoke
    Painted soft hues in semicircles
   That formed veins in vain
  All the life the colors formed caused was pain
    And disdain for this thing called breath
     I would gladly welcome death
   In the form of the devil kissing necks
           Sharpening a dagger in geometric patterns
    Slicing through my brain matter with a splayed tongue
           Implanting THC in my frontal lobe with infinite precision showing me visions of misread Scriptures read by passive preachers and pastors not knowing the meanings of verses read backwards that sound like incantations for Satan


     Drop.
Drip into my glass
Cerulean liquid so vivid it defies description
Even with these prescription lenses I can't tell the difference between what's okay to write but not say so today
I think
I'll take an AK to Pre K to educate the young with Guns
JFK would smile
Knowing I'm the last gunslinger and expander of minds destined to be assassinated for saying it before my time

Every time I fall
You're there
With open arms
And neon veins
So I can see what it is
That makes you tick
With bleeding wrists so I can see the way
Straight to your heart
We're not perfect,
But we're art
And it never is
You would agree
Looking into my weighed down eyes
That you could always get to look up
You always saw the white in them
When others would see my dilated pupils
That seem to you like
Beautiful mirrors
Caught in arms of neon
That get cut in the process
To keep me from shattering
You say its worth it

I say a prayer that the dim light of the moon won't hide your shadow when im finally able to touch you

         Despite feeling your hair on my face
         Smelling your sweet perfume
         Tasting your kisses
         And hearing you say you love me,
  
                            It may be the only thing to convince me you're back in my arms

We loved.
           you left.
       I'm sad.

**What a mundane poem

Razors race along the paper
Erasing mistakes as they go
Dark nights that only got later
I stayed to see if it'd show
I carve deep enough to find the pain
And paint it plainly against the grain
A museum with windows long and drained of a strange familiar glow
Time is tame compared to space
As the length of these margins grow
I rip apart all the mistakes of my life
Inked on my heart and soul

I remember being ten
And watching "You Only Live Twice" with my grandfather
I knew then,
That day,
I wanted to be James Bond.
Every time me and my friends would play,
They'd be Spider-Man or Batman...
But me, I'd always be Agent 007
(And somehow win)
I wanted so bad to be so tough
So smooth, So witty.
But I fell face first into the realization that I would always sadly be a double-oh nothing.

Ten years later,
A lot has changed, yet nothing at all.
I could never be 007.
I show too much emotion.
Hurt too often.
But I have found my one true Bond Girl.
And I still hold tight to that dream
That one day I'll wake up and I'll be Bond. **James Bond

I filled my bullet holes from the inside out
Concrete substitutions for flesh laid by a man of stone
So cold to the touch in the moonlight hours
I almost forget I was ever warm
Perforated to the core of my being
My initial rebuttal to the pain i felt was to harden myself
Teach myself to live with the cold
And look towards the solid shadows I then casted for inspiration to carry on
Fool myself into believing in the wholeness of a broken man
I lived as a creation of my own twisted and transformed imagination day in and day out
Dragging along the heavy weight a shield of hate brought with it
The problem being
Behind that shield I was protected fully from any outside source of grief
But I was trapped as well
A layer of thick rage and apathy deflecting any and all other emotion
A poison that constantly ate at what was left of me
Soon I became too weak to stand
The price you pay for being invincible against all other forces is that you can never stop yourself from dying on the inside
I had built a fortress to no avail
Because I had trapped the evil within myself
On my knees, my body rotting away
What was left of my flesh began to shrink back
The concrete was losing its grip the walls of skin that held them in retreating
The evil had won
Chunks of cement fell to the ground and crumbled
The agony indescribable
I was losing the last ounce of security I had left in this world
I was weak and the heaviness of the shield left when I could no longer hold it
I was defeated
I sat awaiting a death that in my mind was the only thing left assured to me
But it never came
Instead, I saw the sun rise over the horizon
I felt its warm rays on my disfigured flesh
And all around me was illuminated
In the light I saw how horrible what I had done to myself really was
At the price of living I had bought myself immortality
Nothing more than a cruel joke
Night never came again
And eventually I stood up
The light shone through my bullet holes as I did and the last of my disgust for the world was gone
I buried the shield and the crumbled stone deep in the darkness and never went back
Because no matter what may have been in my past, no matter how much blood I had shed, I knew that now I could live,

Truly

The dark and mysterious
Starved and delirious
Eddie Murphy shotgun
Guffaw at the pitiless
Just another sound from the TV
The livin room consumed by the gloom that was written in
The script of a cartoon poppin Ritalin to stay in tune with the
Mood of his peers eatin shrooms for dinner pour salt in the wound
No splenda
Suspended by their necks from the system as society forgets them
The news covers an angle
And tells you who's the victim
Saying the youth is the danger please don't go near them
Creating strangers out of family endangering a strain of love cause that's the only thing to overcome the ******* on their tongues

Hey girl
       I caught you staring in the mirror again
       The same look of dissatisfaction painted clearly on your face
You look at your stomach and touch your waist
            Turn and look at your back with the same expression
       There may be wear and tear here and there, especially on your spirit, but that's not where you stare
          If you did you might see the most beautiful sight ever beheld by those big brown eyes
  
       See,
    A lot of men would see your thighs and to no surprise, try to get inside
      But I see your mind and what lies behind the obvious
           A question mark most would leave off the end of their sentence
            I could never forget it.
   I see the rocky road you've walked every time that we talk
        The gravel was never gentle on your soul
      But you continued until you came upon a house built from pain
  decided to stay and thought you'd be okay
      It slowly became a home where you grew into the furniture
    Your veins interlaced with fabric and every fabrication only wove you deeper
          And soon the drugs came to take you away only to fade and leave you to a fate stuck between these walls of abuse
    
                    I refuse
To let you go back
And even if you hate me now, I hope one day you'll understand and love me for that
                   See, I see a lot of things because I look past the mirror you fixate on
                    I've never had to see you as just a reflection
           But rather as perfection, because with every wrong direction you took to get to me it made the time we have together that much more meaningful
           And though your spirit may be bruised and tired, it refuses to give up,
It's gorgeous.
        


        
You've never had to see me as a reflection either. Every time you look at me, I'm anew. I'm not what's in a dusty mirror, and I'm not what's in a fading photograph. I'm a steady flame in your heart, and the most beautifully flawed smile I've ever seen. I could never thank you for all those small things you do without noticing. Nothing I write could touch upon the tip of the gratitude I hold in my heart for you. So I guess to come as close as I can in three simple words,

I love you.

Hate me
In the most beautiful of ways
So even the little things
Hurt horribly but im in love with the pain
Just not your face
And hate me
In the most beautiful of ways
So even when you tear me apart
My ruptured heart will be an art
      Hate me
      Because I love you
      So much I hate you
      For everything you do
      And tonight
      Your shadow was too white
      Blinding my sight
      Binding us so tight
      So hate me
      Hate me cause I love you
      More than just to *******
      Too **** much to undo this girl

That I hate

Taking a new direction
I watched you burn
I turned from you
Natural selection exists even in love
Especially in love
In symbolism you were a dove
But doves are but mortal
They die,
And olive branches drop from their beaks as they cease to fly
Its funny.
I always wanted a piece of you but never knew why.
I think I knew I was too weak
So I would take a section of your heart when we parted ways
I still have it locked away to this day
In the most personal of safes
I think its why I still feel your kiss in the rain
It doesn't stop the pain
But it makes me feel again babe
So im giving you thanks
At your grave as you burn into pages
And on the paper youve become
Still as white as the dove you were
I draw you a map to the piece of your heart I took
Its in the spot of the piece of mine you still have
You just have to look

Look I been try a get this **** straight
But it keeps changing up the pace
Once I got it think I've caught it
Something else is in my face
I'm a product of this stress
Got a baby on the way
But this ***** is known for lying
Could be real or could be fake
And on top of that
Didn't get to see Brandi graduate
Just got to see pictures of it
Knowing I didn't put that smile on her face
Its that dude she's in love with
I wonder how it tastes
Giving me a dose of my own medicine
It's setting in
Gotta put on my kevlar vest again
Let no one in
Take these sedatives
Just for good measure when your pain is pleasure is it a sin
To tear a hole in yourself so big you see through it
Making these movements going through the motions choosing
Like the outcome wasn't coming
How can I grow up when I'm from nothing
Reputation leads assumption to the forefront
Got these girls looking storefront
While I'm just wondering what these ****** want

Nobody was born here
    But we'll die here
                   Sink into this rough soil
  And fertilize a tree.
                       And that tree will grow leaves,
           And come fall baby,
     People will come from all over just to see them drift away from the thing that gave them life.

Nobody was born here
     But then again,
   No one knows what "here" even means
         The meaning was lost in years and years of general nonchalance
               It sounds beautiful,
   But ****** if we know how to explain it.

Nobody was born here,
            But we can choose to call it home.
   We can choose to grow old here,
And we can choose to die here.
               And if we don't know how to define it, then that leaves a blank we can fill in with anything we want
        No matter what
        Anything at all.
  And if that means you sink into this rough soil,
      Just to fertilize one tree,
          Then come fall, baby
    People will come from all over just to see your leaves change and drift,
        And baby,
           That means you're beautiful.

Do you know the feeling of holding on to abstract ideas?
Hot and abysmal
Whimsical fears
Dry and unenchanting miserable years?

Do you?

Or do you know the road of normal hopes,
Overpasses and classy folk,
Cheap sunglasses and average Joes?

Do you know those things?
Or does light bring dimmer views
Shadows of doubt cast around
A darker, livid hue
If someone had to die,
Would it be him or you
Or would you simply choose to escape and sing a hymn or two?
See forgiveness doesn't come to those who ask, ask anyone

Even me,

I have asked you plenty ones.
In hindsight, you will see

Cut cut cutting out the cardboard of my tongue
I can no longer taste your kiss as my body has gone numb
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
Chopped off at the root of me, my essence running red

Something stupid, clumsy and dark stumbles at my door
I told you to get out of here and not come back no more
But silly you you slit your throat and dont know how to sew
Looking in my window for answers, acting like I know

Choke me with a guitar string, this music will be the death of me
But it'll get me lots of ***, so I don't even sweat the heat
Time will stop ticking when the world has finally lost its rhythm
And I'll be sitting on an oil drum screaming out of tune at children

Old men die just to do it once and see if they survive
While im happy just popping pills to see if im alive
I can no longer taste your kiss as my body has gone numb
But I still feel my way around the barrel of my gun

Hues mixing under a blank sky, I look at all I've done in wonder
Was that me
Or did someone steal my hand for their own poetic ruse?
You see as of late I seem confused
And stay in the atmosphere of here and there
My location wasn't given much care
Physically or mentally
And the moon im under stays blank as the sky
And I ponder if it's meant to be
Ask myself why the ink has all but dried from my well

See

I used to constantly change
Now I stay the same
Uttering words in patterns that are always absurdly similar
Pricking myself with my pen to no avail
Because the blood had too many stories to tell
Most drug on and on for mental miles
That many would cover in a single step,
But I sat frozen,
Observing like this pain was a film

But on nights like this
When I have dissembled myself to the point of belief
Something catches my eye
The eloquence of a blank sky waiting to be filled with ideas, dreams, and possibilities
And sometimes, its enough to wake me from my doubts

I stop in my tracks,
Listening

A hollow clinking in the darkness
In an alleyway, somewhat familiar
Vacant and forgotten in the twilight hours
Except for the lingering cigarette smoke
And the scent of dehumanizing hate

And a clink
Low and somehow beneath the dense, dank dark

A sound disillusioning and honed to a fine point, like that of a blade meant to harvest death

A clink
And another clink

                                    There is a man sitting near the end of the alley
                                    At the back of the throat of Hell itself
                                    He has his head down
                                    But through the thick black smudge of night
                                    I can still see the base of a brown glass bottle tap the bottom of an upper row of teeth

He stops, and looks up at me with eyes that resemble mine a little too much for my comfort

                                    He brings the bottle down, and lowers his head, gazing at it as if for the first time
                                    Suddenly he snaps his eyes up to mine, instantly staring into the deep void that is my soul
                                    He smiles a knowing smile, and thrusts the bottle against his teeth one last time.


              It does much more than clink.

I see the earth crumble
                As I close my eyes
   In the mirror
                            A hundred civilizations  
Vanish in the literal blink of an eye
           Tectonic plates sliding together
    Forming volcanos in my pupils
          I cry magma
Hot tears burning holes in my cardigan
                   Fully shut, I can hear the subtle sizzle
            And untimely titanic "BOOM" of an imploding world
      The flames burn through my lids
          In incalculable nanoseconds
               Somehow I can sense
                       The smoke
                           It feels
                             Like


Marijuana.

My mind just fell
         Knee deep into an inkwell
You're pre meditated ****** of creativity
                      **Didn't end well

Being birthed
           I was given two options
  Departing the usual direction
        Or taking the path of enlightenment
   In the womb of my soul
      I calculated each step before it was to happen
              Spending an enternity rolling the pros and cons over like cement not yet layed
               Then I knew
   Like a knife sliding across the throat
      It was exposed to me clearly
         And taken like a breath of air
        I climbed through the opening in the veil of consciousness
            ****** and soaked in self-awareness
                      And took my first step

        Into the light

You
Look beautiful
Right
Before sleep
Laying back, eyes rolled shut
Crushed pills
A contrasting white to the
Bible they lay on
You
Always had
Your
Priorities straight
Beckoning me
Sensing me
From behind your eyelids
Mouthing my name
You
Take me
In
As I feel for
Who you are
Beneath the veil of decency and secrecy
Reminding me
How much I need this
You
Could control
Me
When I'm in you
A puppet takes my place
And when you finish
You put your lips to my temple
And say bang.