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3.9k · Mar 2018
***Doubtful***
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
Is it sugar
Or is it death
dirt* or nothing.
I think about it looking into my tea cup.
Just an idea in my head.
My over thinking, over analyzing mind

I think I am fat.
I hate being fat.
Then I see an amazing fat girl looking good in her jeans.
Her overthrow looks amazing and I want that

I want to be fat.

I could be small.
I tell my self.
I should eat way less and get skinny.
Fit in very tight jeans and have big hair.
The skinny girl yesterday looked amazing.
But would I

What if I cannot look good skinny.
I'd loose my **** and look weird.
What if I am those people who can never get small


I love food and good places.
Most of the times fat girls look awesome dressed up.
I am not skinny or fat.
I have never understood my body.
Sometimes I feel smart sometimes I doubt everything*

So, is it sugar? Is it dirt?
maybe I will never know
2.2k · Aug 2017
My black skin
Brenda Mukisa Aug 2017
When your the only dark skinned person in your house.
Its hard for others to see that its okay.
That its beautiful as well.
Its weird how people attach beauty to color.
Light skinned this, lighter skin that.
They make it the must be.

Not that it isn't beautiful.
But we have got to look at darker different.
Dark can be beautiful.
Darker even more beautiful.
I've seen beauty in all colors.
Like in all shapes.

You walk down the street over the weekend.
You fall in love with Africa.
All you will see is beautiful women.
Different heights, different shapes...
Handsome men...they come in all sizes and shades.
Its like a painting.
The kind you could look at forever.
And never tire from.

When I was a child.
I always said I wanted to get away.
But mum always said that one day I'll fall in love with here.
Now I know,now I've felt the pride.
And happiness that comes with here.

I look into the mirror each day.
And feel proud and happy.
Growing up my mother said thank-you.
With a smile.
Every time they said I looked like her.
Now I see why in the mirror.
I'd be proud if my daughter looked like me.
Me and my black skin.
My beautiful black skin.
1.8k · May 2018
About him.
Brenda Mukisa May 2018
He is perfect.
In height, age and appearance.
His pink lips turn a darker shade when he licks them.
He looks at her as she smiles..... or laughs.
He turns away when she looks at him.
Sometimes he continues staring....

He is handsome this one.
The way he turns all red when his emotions are spiked.
Or how he tries to make his small eyes appear bigger.
He looks great in yellow... or blue...or other colours.
He is a beautiful man indeed.

He is kind and respectful.
Blows children kisses and plays with them.
He is loved every where he goes.
At least by all she has met.
He doesn't take life too serious.....and plays along with all.

It was nice meeting you, he said....

I hope you become mine, she prayed silently......
1.1k · Jan 2019
While I exist
Brenda Mukisa Jan 2019
I am a black girl with locs
I wear head wraps and put on African prints
I do not speak with an African accent
or religiously follow the traditions.
For that I am not African enough.

One says he loves me
One looks at me enough to burn holes into me
One comes looking for me only to act like he doesn't know me
One winks and seeks attention when I'm done giving it
One.... one said He can never like me
That one I think I like most
For that I'm foolish.

I am a small girl
I however seek to loose weight more
than people way fatter than me
They all say my size is okay but they are not
my brain and thus don't get to feel fat the way I do
For that they say I'm ungrateful.

I appreciate black men
I just prefer white men
I try not to date black men long time
For that I am racist to them.

I speak to my parents but don't go out
of my way to spend time with them
Past hurt and experiences and avoidance
of future heated discussions leads me
For that I am ungrateful.

I sit in my house and cry.
I cry at worship and feel less and lost most of the time
I take smiley pictures and eat a lot of ice cream
For that I am happy.

I love eating at restaurants and cafes
I love ice cream , cake and wine
I don't like food and rarely eat
I take pictures of my food and ice cream a lot
For that I am a show off

All assumptions, all untrue, all your thoughts
Ask me my name and hold me when I feel I'm falling apart
Love me on days I cant love myself
Ask me about me first.
Then think truths about me.
the girl behind the assumptions.......
Brenda Mukisa Aug 2017
In you oh God
I put my trust.
You have been sooo good to me.
I'd never know how to say thank you.
You have brought me so far.
Yet grateful is still an understatement.
Brenda Mukisa Jun 2020
My friend calls me and tells me that this time around we need to re apply for our jobs after quarantine.
I tell her *******.
You see, I am not joking. I mean it.
I got tired of people treating me the way the want.
Now I will get treated the way I want.

My work place sends me an addendum.
They want to cut salaries despite the fact that we've been working full time despite the pandemic.
I hear it is up to 50%
You see I am a teacher.
When a pandemic happens I still follow my timetable.
I show up and teach, and call or email those that aren't showing up.
And tell them to show up.....
So I say *******.
I cannot sign something I do not agree with.

This guy I used to date started texting me.
He says he hasn't been with anyone because of the pandemic.
He says I am his best option 'right now'
I say *******.
I turn off my data and go to bed.
You see I am no longer available for your entertainment.
I once 'dated' this American white male who told me I wasn't supposed to have an opinion....
I text people I like now..... that really really like me back

When my boss calls me.
She doesn't say hello or check if I am well.
She goes straight off to yelling and screaming.
I say *******.
I turn off my phone and move on with my life.
Because despite falling apart and feeling so lost most days in this pandemic.
I did show up and do my job
So when she learns to communicate, I will talk to her.

I applied for a job, no jobs where they told me..
the problem is my nationality.
Not my papers, experience or inability to perform...
In fact before I told them where I am from, they told I could make a good addition to the team.
Until I turned out African.
So I say ******* when your online course says it will open global opportunities for me.

Because the world is 'woke' now.
African Americans can chant 'Black lives matter'
Their voices are heard and the world chants with them in solidarity.
So this is me whispering
That my Black life matters too....
My voice, my thoughts and opinions matter too....
And hoping the world will hear me too one day
And stand with me in solidarity.....

I'm not angry, I am just fighting for my rights.
1.0k · May 2021
But, he never asked.
Brenda Mukisa May 2021
He was sweet...
In a buy all the things I know you like...
Because you are spending the weekend...
Have a restaurant run
Because you love eating out...
Invite you over, like every weekend
Spend Christmas together....
Introduce you to all his friends..
Insinuate that he wants to have ***…..
type of way…..

But he never asked...
Not to be his girlfriend
Not to date him
Not to sleep with him...
He never asked, so I never let him.
978 · Apr 2018
Fast Love
Brenda Mukisa Apr 2018
I am looking for fast love
the kind that touches me and tingles spread
the kind that smiles and I can not not smile back
the kind that laughs loudly with me over funny stuff
or holds me tight on cold nights
or just because he can
the kind that gets matching tattoos and stays
the kind that kisses me with need and want
in between ice cream with cold lips
or on hot days when we think no one is watching
the kind that makes breakfast with me on weekends
in pajamas or just his shirt
we can watch movies all day with his hand over me
small or deep kisses anytime whenever
calls to say they miss you because they did not see you last night
eats out of the box and drinks wine from the bottle on lazy nights with me.
says they love me sincerely and I see it in their eyes
I do not know how long I have got here.
so a fast love is all I have time for
meet me, hear me, know me, understand me and love me quickly
a fast love is all I have got time for
loveme, lovemwa and love ME.
817 · Oct 2017
Leave me alone!
Brenda Mukisa Oct 2017
I want to feel
feel so deeply
until I feel so full
I want to run
run so fast
until I cannot feel
as long as it makes me whole.
I just want to feel whole
I just want to scream life
I just want the emptiness
for once in my life
TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
653 · Mar 2019
like a boy.
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2019
we take baby steps
in the right direction sometimes
we like the boy, we crave the boy, we support the boy
we loooovvvveeee the boy

what do you do when you like a boy?
i think you tell him...
sometimes you tell him so you can know
if he likes you too
sometimes you tell him
so he can know
that you like him
not because you want him to like you
it could be a plus
but this boy you know

you know he likes someone else
you like him enough to be happy for him
with that person even
or someone else.
but whats the point of liking someone
and them never knowing.

so tell that  boy you like him
watch him practically run away from you
every time you try to talk to him
let him say yeah baby when he texts you
let him be afraid of you still liking him
text him and ask him if you are okay.......
the two of you.....

yes, you used to like him
but telling him you did set you free
weird right?
but it actually stopped you from dying inside
falling deeper each day.

and look at him knowing you dont like him
not any more.
to the love i had and lost.
632 · Apr 2018
System
Brenda Mukisa Apr 2018
Am I blind for believing you
for thinking the ordinary man
flaws and is exempted
its easier to blame, the weakest link
the one who will not get backed up by society
its easier to move on
if one is not affected directly
the system didnt fail us 100%
we fail the system at 50% and it meets us almost half way
its just easier for it to be wrong
because you are another smiling little ordinary man
because you dropped out of school, produced more children than you can handle, trash or *** where ever you feel like, give and collect bribes, cheat in exams or simply fail because you didnt work harder.
Join the others when they say the system failed them
but how many of you gave your best and the system didnot come through?

better starts with me and you.
cry to Ugandans to do better.
602 · Aug 2017
Lets start over
Brenda Mukisa Aug 2017
It was the way you looked over at me.
The first time we met.
The way I was so willing to forget.
The way you found my number.
The way I didn't care you did.
The way you kept texting, calling even.
The way I didn't care.

I found ignoring mean.
I had to be good.
I had to be better.
So I gave this a shot.
The good in me screaming...

When you offered to help.
I didn't refuse.
I let you do your thing.
I believed you knew your thing.
When it ******* over.
You unveiled yourself.

Lets start over.
How do you think someone is beautiful.
How do you come from beautiful to badly behaved.
May be real words are spoken when mad.
601 · Apr 2018
About us #1
Brenda Mukisa Apr 2018
She turned over in her sleep
but she could not
she just could not push past the hard body behind her
then she remembered where she was and smiled.
he still had his hand around her
she tried to turn and peep at him
he breathed peacefully in his sleep
but even then ,
he still remembered to hold her tighter
he adjusted his position and re-aligned his body with hers.
to pull her closer into him
as though just holding her was not enough
his alarm sounded the first time
and sadness swept over her
the moment had ended, but she was wrong
over and over, his alarm sounded
but he constantly turned to put it off and held her closer
the smile on her face was as though it was painted on her
consistent and not leaving
just like her heart bit and the pulsing behind her
the sun rays kept passing through the curtain
the hours went by
she felt hot, but couldn't move
that was their story.

And that was enough.
First poem in the about us series.
593 · Mar 2019
Shalom
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2019
Shalom.
How are you?
Did you get happier, taller, smarter?
Are you happy?
I miss you.... I wonder about you....
Do you still remember me?
Would you recognize me if you saw me?

Shalom.
I donot know if I am taller
May be I am.
I think I got darker, but well, my color always changed.
I try to be happier each day.
I definitely found some peace and quiet...
Its comforting.

Shalom.
What are you like?
I remember your face, your smile.
I often joke about your weird laugh.
But I also miss it.
I hope you are smart.
Remember you always knew the right answer.
You just have to think about it.
572 · May 2018
About us #3
Brenda Mukisa May 2018
I now remember the very first time I saw you.
walking down the small crowded walkway.
both of us were pushing our friends.
At least I was, because I was holding mines arm and talking to her.
You on the other hand had friends around you.
But all you cared for was your phone.
One accidental meeting.

I knew I'd seen the most handsome guy in my uni.
I went back to my room and told all my friends.
They thought it was a lie.... that I exaggerated.

The next time I saw you was at a uni rally.
You were not actively involved even.
You just stood at the side lines and looked on.
I showed my roommate the handsome guy.
Weirdly she knew you....
But when we walked up to you, she said hello.
And you answered only her, you didn't see the other girl.
The one who almost collapsed from standing next to you.
You were even more handsome in day light.

Last night I saw you again.
Now I remember what that felt like again.
My heart stopped when I saw you.
And when you reached out to hug me this time.
I thought my heart would burst from pumping so fast.
You are still the most handsome guy I ever saw....
And when you walked me to my bus and made sure I got in.
I thought you'd turn around and walk away.
But you were standing at my window.....
Our parting was a peace sign..... and I pray this time again,
its not our good bye.
continuation of About us #2
a poem from the About us series.
563 · Mar 2018
Suicidal.
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
Maybe it was the first time I thought about death.Maybe it was the first timeI wished I could die.Maybe it was the first time.I actually tried to **** myself.or the next few times.

I ask myself why I didn't succeed the first time
Or the next.What's the point of living.When I died inside the first time death crossed my mind.

Its like I'm waiting for the end desperately.I fear that one day I'll force it on my self.Is it true some people die before their time?Should I call them lucky?

What is the point of living.If every day I feel lost, lonely, empty.....What is the point in believing.
When every day reminds me I've failed.Searching impossible sources for happiness...Being reminded daily that sadness and bad things happen.

They say I am ungrateful and difficult.Every one only sees the things I want as exaggerating life.Do they ever wonder what their words do to me?Do they ever worry that I feel rejected and alone?Do they ever miss me when I am out of sight?

Whats the point in staying here if I'll never belong?

I have thought about therapyTelling a stranger my sad damaged mind....Because I feel so depressed right now and I have felt like this for so long I am just tired to having to hold back the tears when all I want to do is scream and die.
I know its incomplete, I hope I donot have to feel empty enough to finish it.
563 · May 2022
tears of joy
Brenda Mukisa May 2022
sunday 8th May, 2022

and just like that
just another Sunday morning
i stare  into your eyes
and I want to cry..
not from pain or sadness
but happiness….

now I know what it means
to cry tears of joy…
542 · Oct 2017
strange lines
Brenda Mukisa Oct 2017
Is that a game?
no, art.
i remember the first time I talked to you
i knew you were a blogger or something...
yah!... you guessed right.
our first lines
now I know more... more, more
you do not eat cake
which I could never relate too
you do not eat pizza
that can be okay....
you studied a stranger kind of medicine
the kind a twisted mind holds onto
you walked away from it
you like complexity
simple and routine is boring for you
you can afford to junk only once a year
you talk about your child with less emotion
you ask questions
not because you need the answer
but you want to know that the other party wants the same thing
you want people to tell you what they want
only because somehow you expect them to say...
they want you...
you pull away when they don't.
you are complex
you reach out and pull back at the same time
there is a part of you that wants to be chased.
or wants to tell someone simple i'm not interested.
you smile in between kisses.
you make actual conversation
not the kind that says I do not want to know
you are confusing
you are not forgettable though.....
so.....
what do you want....
happiness....good people..
what do you want....
NOTHING!
probably our last lines.
539 · Apr 2018
SO MUCH
Brenda Mukisa Apr 2018
I'm so much into you it **** hurts.
Do not tell me that I'll move on because I will not.
I loved you yesterday, I love you now and I will love you tomorrow.
I just know I will.
I wanted to hug and kiss you so hard the first time you smiled at me.
But you are the strongest person I know and you go hard at stuff.
I was afraid you'd reject me hard as well.
You are the kind of girl that gives and withdraws your heart when ever you feel like it.
At-least you strike me as such.
Yet I just love you so hard any way.

You walked in today and all I'd think about was how much I'd missed you
I wanted to hug and hold you... so much
You just smiled at me while saying hello and went off to hug some one else.
I wished so much that it was me.
I watch you every day, every time I can.
You smile about the most normal things and worry too much when things do not go your way.
I wish I'd hold your hand through it all. the good and the bad.
To make you realize your not alone.
And you do not have to be.

I need you ....so much.
some one I know inspired this poem. I just imagined what he feels.
532 · Jun 2017
im afraid I forget you....
Brenda Mukisa Jun 2017
When i was little
I looked up to you.
Sometimes i wonder how you were.
How could one person be so filled with good.
I always said i wanted to be like you.
Not the sarcastic way.
The sincere way.

You taught me how to pray, how to fear God.
How to be a better human, to be nice.
To cook ,clean and make a healthy home.
How to live with people.
How to thrive.

All my life I never saw you angry or conniving.
I can say I've met a person so perfect.
You were so nice to me.
I worry i'm not living up to you.
How did you do it.
Being so perfect.

When the world said I was not good.
You didn't believe them, you had hope instead.
You believed in me too much
I decided to be that person you thought i was.
I loved you. I love you still.
Sometimes I think its forever.

They say people move on.
But how can I move on from you.
I try to be like you.
Sometimes I think I'm making progress.
Sometimes I think i'm failing.
You are proof that people can be good.
People can be perfect.

Years have gone by.
I still look for your face in a crowd.
I want to remember your voice.
I want to remember you forever.
I love you still...
But slowly by slowly....
I'm afraid I forget you.
In memory of  Anna Kasango.
528 · Mar 2018
Shanto
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
To you my darling
Lets take rushed elevator selfies
before the door opens.
Eat lots of cake and pizza
till we feel pregnant from it.
Make tough soda decisions
because I just can't let go.
Take mirror selfies until our bodies
can not take it any more.
From age and kids and years of happiness
Lets take walks on busy during the day
but lazy at night roads
And get lost finding buildings
Let us be a beautiful kind of happy
I loved you then, years ago
I loved you yesterday
And I love you today
Tomorrow.... and many years from now
You get me ......and I want us
You.... to be my kind of forever

I love you.
This was a message I wrote my best friend at the end of last year..... I just needed to remember it here forever.
527 · Aug 2018
Africa Broke Me
Brenda Mukisa Aug 2018
With all the empty promises
It all started at home
The backbone of society they said....
Instead of it being strong and providing a safe place for me to land
It gave me a broken disfunctional one.
Children beaten everyday endlessly for even the smallest things.
They insisted that an African child understood from their behind.
Then polygamy came in
Mama so angry at the second woman forgot to love me too
Packing her bags in the name of saving her heart
She left mine to be abused daily by the other woman

School was supposed to be my escape
It only came with too many canes
Teachers who threatened not to give you marks unless you slept with them
Children who bullied you for being poor or not beautiful enough
So many times I wanted to run
But I knew that without an education you are no body

I thought adulthood was going to be my paradise
My government however is filled with corrupt and selfish leaders
Taxes every where every day it's all you practically work for
Jobs are hard to find unless you are connected to some one on the inside by blood, or sleeping with them.
My landlord keeps banging on my door angrily
I've lied to him so much he says
But my job pays 200k , I use 100k on transport, over 50k goes to taxes and I'm left with 50k to do every other thing.

I love the beautiful scenery and weather..... but apart from that.....
My continent is killing me.
527 · Aug 2021
when I run...
Brenda Mukisa Aug 2021
25.08.21
but, when I run.
will you run?
473 · Jun 2017
I wait for you.
Brenda Mukisa Jun 2017
One day you showed up.
I remember hugging you at the door that night.
I was so happy.
I always believed all my problems could go away.

I sat every weekend and waited for you.
Mama said I was crazy.
Mama always knew best.
I don't know if i should have listened.

On a cold veranda every weekend night.
Listening for any sound.
Watching every shadow.
Hoping you would show up.

I don't know if I still wait for you.
Years have gone by.
To the world, it may seem like i found you.
But deep down, I know I wait for you still.
456 · Mar 2018
About nothing
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
I envy those who are loved.
those that have seen love in every city
every home they've lived.

I envy belonging.
having a place you are missed.
having people that miss you.

I envy love
having some one who loves you.
raw, intense, truly.... darkly or innocently.

I envy life.
the desire to live forever.
I wish I had that.
I've had nothing for so long
so much that I wouldn't recognize more, if I got it.
446 · Apr 2018
About us #2
Brenda Mukisa Apr 2018
We always had conversations.
Texting, alot. In the middle of the night, day.... or early in the morning.
When the rest of the world was clearly asleep.
I'd stalk you and text you immediately I saw "online"
Every one thought I was stupid for loving you
I donot know, but can't say I was.
That evening I heard you were back.
I rushed off to see you because I'd missed you.
I wanted to talk to you.
You offered to drive me to the mall.
We had alot to talk about and catch up on.
You told me about her like I knew her.
And maybe at that point I actually knew her through you.
Your descriptions, admiration.....
And just how much your face lit up when you talked about her.
I was happy for you.
She was still giving you a hard time.
Hadn't said yes yet.
And you were impatient for it.
Even when I had every right to be sad
because in my mind, you were mine.
Always had been.
I was happy because one of us was fighting for what they wanted.
She was your type.
Big *** and hips.... ***** to die for... great body.
And me.... just normal. Nothing too big.....
Yet you preferred too big. And that she was.
We talked about her for a while, at least you did.
And all I did was listen and smile.
You were happy and that made me happy as well.
Only difference was, only one of us,
This time around, had hope.
continuation of About us #1

To be Continued....
437 · Oct 2018
You Know
Brenda Mukisa Oct 2018
The first time I actually saw him
My heart raced.
Then it was a date
Then it was a trip
Emotional abuse became my potion

The first time I saw him
He was just another guy
That guy told me it was nice meeting me
He thought that was goodbye
Then he saw me again
He told me he would never like me.
He said no three times in one sentence
Now he smiles and looks or my eyes in full rooms
Says be safe, and long time..... like he cares.
My ego reminds me  he said no

The first time I saw him
He  was just another guy
Then we argued a lot
Then he started saying things like I'm his half
That  I'm the love of his life
Talking about babies and   ***
But he touches me and all my senses are awakened
He holds my hand and it fits perfectly and when I try pulling away,
he holds it down tighter

Yesterday  he used my phone to text himself
He said I love you so much
He has shown it.....
He has never said it though
For me to believe it, I need to hear it too.
You can know when there's something
432 · Mar 2018
Almost like crazy
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
I need too much or nothing at all.
She said to him
He just laughed, like it was a  big joke.

Kiss her on pavements on lonely streets.
Let her toes curl from the feeling.
Where the trees look beautiful.
And the light from the Inn looks amazing.
Hold her hand on busy streets.
Wear matching t shirts or jackets... or jeans if you can.
Take her to that restaurant.
And all the others on your street and around the town.
Order different things and exchange plates half way.

Let them call ya'll crazy.
But don,t stop loving the way you feel best.
Take selfies every where you feel like.
Hold each other when ever you can.
Make breakfast in the mornings in t shirts or nothing.
Make lovely dinners with candles and wine.
Dress up for them if you must.
Or watch your favorite series in pajamas and eat from the box.
Loving should not have rules.

It should feel right, crazy, or perfect even.
Over the years it may have got an appearance.
But love must always be a feeling.
399 · Jul 2017
Sorry
Brenda Mukisa Jul 2017
I am sorry that I wasnt perfect
I am sorry that he left.
I am sorry that I let him leave.
I am sorry that I didnt beg him to stay.
O r to come back.
I am sorry that I didnt think of you.
The way you wanted me to.
I am sorry that I didnt wait with you.
I am sorry that I told you to give up.
I am sorry that I made you feel bad for waiting.
For believing he would return.


I am sorry I did what I thought was best
I am sorry I wanted to be perfect for my kids.
I am sorry I sacked at marriage.
I AM SORRY.
I just wanted to be a perfect mother....
I just wanted to love myself as well.
silently, I hoped he would return.
397 · Mar 2018
Maybe not.
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
Just because they say ....
that life moves on if you let it,
does not mean,
that its that simple.
Sometimes you are stuck in a moment...
A bad moment.
Practically forever,
And life ain't moving to any where.
395 · Apr 2018
chest pains.
Brenda Mukisa Apr 2018
when I was younger.
I told my self that one day I'd fit in
that I'd find my place.
And be happy....

Its been years.
It got worse.
My chest still pains from this feeling.
I've carried it for as long as I can remember .

My chest pains from loneliness.
391 · Jul 2017
Right now
Brenda Mukisa Jul 2017
I only requested for something real.
Its more real when you are looking at it.
You believe in me and you.
I am clueless and some how scared.
I thought it was a joke, to push away good things
Because one didn't know what to do.
I feel my self believing too.
So lets take mirror selfies and make faces.
Lets be happy now.
And tomorrow.
Because right now... I think I,m liking you too.
390 · Dec 2018
Out now
Brenda Mukisa Dec 2018
I don't know how.
God! I didn't even try
But somewhere along the way,
I fell out of love with you.
12. December. 2018.
11.58am
379 · Aug 2017
Beautiful lines.
Brenda Mukisa Aug 2017
So we beat on boats against the current
Borne back ceaselessly into the past
You forget what you want to remember
And remember what you want to forget
And we are quotation marks, inverted and upside down,
Clinging to one another at the end of this life sentence.
Trapped by lives we didn’t choose.

The heart dies a slow death.
Shedding each hope like leaves.
Until one day there are none.
No hopes… no nothing.
My thoughts are stars.
I cannot fathom into constellations.

Beautiful things only grow to a certain height.
And they fail and fade off.
And in that moment.
I swear we were infinite.
I hid my deepest feelings so well.
I forgot where I placed them.

We’ve all got both light and dark inside us
What matters is what part we choose to act on.
That is who we really are.
She is madness, sanity.
She is hell….and paradise.
378 · Mar 2018
Embrace..
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
They say that bodies come in all shapes and sizes.
that all are beautiful and lovable...

Everyone has a different character too...
why don't we try to love and understand them all.

Change in any way,
means denying ones true self.

Just because you're different, doesn't mean you're all bad.
people always want one to act a given way in order to fit in or be considered mannered in the process we force people to change themselves and forget that everyone can be lovable the way they are.
377 · Sep 2017
Rock Bottom
Brenda Mukisa Sep 2017
It seems cliche when some one talks about it
It seems like they are too weak
Or exaggerating the situation.
There is a place where you feel like you have lost the fight.
Where you  feel like you are falling
You want to stop
You wish you would stop
Sometimes you aren't even sure you want to stop
You wish for different
You don't know if its at the top or the bottom
One day you are a free spirit
You feel good and beautiful
Then someone shows up and ruins it all
First it is i love you forever
Next it is the same line or better for someone else
Suddenly you are the bitter person
The one who feels the need to hate another girl
A girl who doesn't even know you exist
Yet you... Oh God!.. know all the others
Those before, during and after you.
Because you let yourself get consumed.
Because you decided to take your own advise
And gave love a chance.
And all it did ruin you...
Break down walls you had built so high.
Now you wonder if you are not enough
Or why exactly she is better than you
From his point of view...
So yes...there is a rock bottom for every one.
You just hope you come back sane enough to continue living.
Some people would ruin your life just because they want.
Or may not...they just fell in love with someone else.
The heart wants what it wants.
You just sit there and wait for new love.
And hope that this time.
You are enough.
And  forever isn't just a promise.
I'm still learning how to describe love without stressing
Or complicated in between lines....
371 · Nov 2018
*not a poem
Brenda Mukisa Nov 2018
what comes to your mind every time you think about tomorrow
is it some distant place you want to see
or some place you don't care about because apart of you knows what tomorrow will be like*.
sad
empty
reminder of loving him over and over knowing he cant love you back
another day
another sad reminder.

you do not want to love him
you have tried for so long to move on from the night mare
its killing you on the inside
but you are stuck

this is not a poem
this is a reminder
of how many times I have failed to not love
when all I want to do is stop loving

this is a sad note
from an empty soul with too much misplaced love
a note from someone who should stop but for some reason continues
a deadly cause that is eating my happiness
that is draining me slowly

I just want to stop
Please help me stop.
messed.
367 · Apr 2018
Dear mother
Brenda Mukisa Apr 2018
You are,
Mother of mine.
So small yet so wise
worrying about small things too much
perfect must be perfect for you to appreciate
you'd build a mountain out of nothing in every sense
you've loved me proudly, fiercely and protectively

Worrying about me on days I choose not to notice
having all the hope in the world in me
you belive in me
but above all... you wish me too much best.

Mother of mine
she dances on busy streets when she is happy
holds information of bigger towns in a small town
smiles wholly
tells every one who cares to listen that I will visit
stays up all night waiting for me.
And sits with me till the sleep comes for me.
takes time off to hang with me all day

Mother of mine
I will try my best to love you as much as I know how
I wish to hold your tender small body and hug you forever
pour all my love to you
to show you how much I love and care for you.
I may not scream it, but I love you.
Dearest mother.
363 · Jun 2018
CONFUSED.....
Brenda Mukisa Jun 2018
It was the way he looked at me...
with an awkward almost visible but not there smile
the first time he said good bye
it was nice meeting you
he said
I looked for the emotion behind it
almost there , almost not.... almost only imaginable
I may never know....

It was the way he could add a smiling emoji to his texts
never using the real thing
just symbols.... in 2018...
weird yet still cool...
np.... with a symbol at the end...that became our thing...

the way you block or unsave my number whenever,
only to save it again.
and its better than any text I'd read any day
our random conversations
where I never know how far to reach
because I can only respect you.....

sitting with you.
next to you.
you interpreting things I say
you being proud of things I say to people
but not to me directly....
or the way you close one eye when you talk to me
or see me.
or the way we pretend not to see each other
sometimes
or I pretend alone.... I dont know.....

I go out and mind my business
I see you and its supposed to be a good day
but you are angry
I know..... I feel it in your tone, or how
you just cannot look me in the eye...
it pains me so to think you dont want to talk to me
or say anything at all.
I end up missing you, while standing next to you.

I like you.
I'm just confused if you do too.
I'm confused if you like me too..... I just wish you do too......
353 · Sep 2017
Sand and Water
Brenda Mukisa Sep 2017
There is a relationship between the sand and the water.
Not just basic sand.
Or water poured into it.
But lake, river or sea sand.

Staying next to something or someone for a long time.
Brings unexplained attachment.
And feelings....
Beautiful connections and affection.
It happens to non humans too.

Though the sand on the shore isn't as lucky
As that at the bottom,
It still gets it turn.
On calm days...
It seats ignored..
The water pretending not to care..

But rough days come through....
When the water cant pretend no more.
And it gives in to the reality.
That just like the sand.
Its tired of being lonely...

That's when its waves visit the sand.
And sweep it to the bottom of the sea....
To live happily ever after...
349 · Jul 2017
Home can be anywhere
Brenda Mukisa Jul 2017
I walked through these doors.
I just wanted to get away.
I just wanted to pass a unit at uni.
I just wanted to start afresh.

Its been three years.
I still walk through these doors.
I met good people here.
I had a lot of fun here.
I still have fun here.
I tell people about here.

3 years of growth.
3 years of loving you guys.
3 years of happiness and going places.
3 years of managing sport.
I'm glad I came
I,m glad I met you.
Now I know, home can be anywhere.
346 · Mar 2018
Where the peace lies
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
Where peace prevails....
I have sought.
In my exhaustion,
I just want to breath... clean, fresh air.......
Deep, desperate.... breaths.
I'm drowning in this sadness
I'm dead while I still breath
I just need a break.
345 · Jun 2018
African Child.
Brenda Mukisa Jun 2018
Her mother dies and she feels lost.
She had never had it so easy.... but always tried.
Early mornings of house work before school.
Late weekends from washing piles of cloths.
Running into class late because she had to help mama.
She didnt feel bad... or sorry for herself.
She knew mama did not do it as a punishment.
So she grew from skinny to skinny...
Healthy skin....tender bones.
In holidays she dug.
Watching the morning sun drain her energy.
Yet her *** persisted...
It was never a punishment.

Mama loves me, In her own way.... she insisted.

Aunty needs you to live with her.
Mama says one day.
Her life changes.... big houses, big cities, big neighborhoods.
We made it mama, she says over the phone...
Be good and read hard.... mama says.
Believe in God and read hard.... Aunty reminds her.
Years of love, peace and joy...
Aunty dies.

It will be well Mama insists.
Years go by... sadness slips through....
Step mummy is harsh... step mummy denies her food...
throws her out over and over....
Abuses her emotionally and verbally...
tries committing suicide for the first time....
dad does nothing..... daddy loves step mummy more....

African child.... sad, broken , lonely..... hungry.
Hold on..... dont let go.
Another day, another struggle.
344 · Jul 2017
A home of her own
Brenda Mukisa Jul 2017
She sat in the car staring at him
Waiting for him to drive in.
She wasn't expecting anything.
She hadn't even imagined her first visit.
She just stood there watching.
Letting the idea settle in.

When he opened the door and let her in.
She could not believe her eyes.
It was a beautiful house.
Empty beautiful house.
He said it was her home.
That she could make it a home.
She felt like it was her kind of home.

She could already see herself there.
Waking up each morning to the quiet.
To the peace and comfort of the country.
To the beautiful house and compound.
Her friends and family would visit here.

He showed her the children's bedrooms.
She could already hear them call.
Or cry but mainly laugh.
She could see her touch all over.
It was a home she could be proud of.

A home of her own.
341 · Apr 2018
England.
Brenda Mukisa Apr 2018
I guess I've dreamt of you for as long as I could read.
So I imagine you.
Large old buildings. Chilly weather practically all year
Amazing accents. Amazing places to see and belong
Probably amazing people....
A place so written about with rich amazing history.
Please let me see you.
Let all roads lead to us
Let us happen in this life time.
If even in my sleep I'd still say London.
327 · Mar 2018
My name
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
I wonder what you do when you hear my name
Do you pretend it is a new name,
And go on with what you are doing
Do you think
Oh, I used to know her
She cared too much for what I thought
She could have done anything for me
she loved me

When you hear my name,
read an article I wrote
Listen to a song I hummed often
see a tweet I retweeted or commented on.
Do you miss me?
Do you wonder about me?
Do you wish you had loved me?
Is it just a reminder of how much you never cared
Or how you'd never love me?

When you hear my name
Do you even know or remember me
322 · Feb 2018
RICHER ME.
Brenda Mukisa Feb 2018
When I am richer, find me.
We shall see the Eiffel tower and Louvre.
We shall know for our selves how comfortable…
A Ritz bed is….
We shall dine fancy and dress up for it.
Or wear pajamas and order in and watch old series we love.
You will have that rolex and boots….
They say Christian Louboutin's are comfy
Lets try and confirm or deny that.
Breakfast in Paris and diner in Montreal.

Find me when I am richer.

There are different types of ice cream.
Lets try them all till we decide there’s better than choclate or vanilla….. or not.
Lets figure out our best wine….or cake type and flavour…
After having access ot a variety.
Prada or Micheal Kors…. Lets figure out which bag we love more.
Do you get sick on the plane?
Let us find out.
Will you love the snow or not?
You will obviously hate summer but love the less clothing.

Just find me when im richer.

Lets see China, Korea, German and New York.
And many other countries and cities.
Lets mingle hard and understand different cultures
Lets take selfies in all places or just pictures.
Lets be happy…..

I'll find you when I am richer.
315 · Jun 2018
From here
Brenda Mukisa Jun 2018
I didn't do anything.
She cried.
I'm innocent.... she swears
I truly am.... believe me.
She repeats over and over.

He listens to her.
He looks at her
But doesn't believe her.
She feels him not believe her.
It's been going on for so long now.

Leave my house. She yells.
Find your self a husband of your own.
But he is my father..,.., it doesn't apply
You've chased me out for so long....

It gets better from here.
Wait for it.
Her sister says.
How do we go from here?
Is the ideal question....
How do we we find a happy place.
How do we find perfect?
309 · Mar 2018
Never.
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
I never loved you

You held my hand, called me baby
almost made me feel and do things
but I never loved you

I never said I loved you too
despite you saying it over and over
you gave me a home, presents.... you.
it didn't make me love you.

But you were mean, didn't fear God, or trust me
cared less for what I wanted or preferred.
so I couldn't love you.

Yet, I feel mean, for not loving you.
307 · Mar 2018
Blank Canvas
Brenda Mukisa Mar 2018
I guess I have been tired for a very long time....
maybe it was the first time  I decided....
that I did not want to live anymore.....
or the next....
or the other few times i thought about it
but didn't do anything about it.

I am practically a big ball walking
with all these things weighing me down
and dragging me to accept and go underneath
it kills me yet still....
I am still here, stuck...
caught in the middle and not going anywhere

I would give anything to wake up,
break free.... start over..
clean slate and all..
all these memories and feelings
only remind me of who I am
why I should not be here anymore....
no where feels like home enough for me to want to stay....
isn't it weird that at this age?
I do not crave anywhere and no one I know?

Yet that is it...
I'm a blank canvas
empty....yet too full of white.
it tears me apart every day
not knowing which person I will be when....
I'm scared of being....
I am tired....
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