sunday 8th May, 2022
and just like that
just another Sunday morning
i stare into your eyes
and I want to cry..
not from pain or sadness
now I know what it means
to cry tears of joy…
did you tell them that they are the best part of your day
that them existing and walking into a room makes that room different for you...
that waking up to their texts makes all the difference there is
that if you could choose to exist next to someone it could be them...
did you tell them
did you tell them that you like looking at them
watching them smile or just exist
that you see their flaws but even those would never matter when it comes down to it...
that you do not have to wonder when asked about them
that you are sure about what you feel about them
did you tell them
that them showing up in your life opened you to new versions of yourself you did not know even existed.
that you thought you were not capable of some things until them.
that you a different person and maybe a better lover because of them
that they opened you up....
did you tell them.....
did you tell them that most days you know that they are wrong for you
that you can see yourself being pulled under by them..
captivated by their energy...
drawn in by them over and over even when the possibility of similar endings are possible.
but did you tell them..
that most days, you are pretty sure that this is some sort of love
a raw, deep and real sort of love...
maybe not the common and known kind... but definitely there.....
did you tell them, i love you anyway......
are you happy..
you asked me
i was so angry for so long
i woke up angry
i went to bed even more angry...
so yes.... maybe not happy all the time
but definitely not angry anymore
and it feels good to not be so angry any more.
are we going
better yet, are we coming
i keep looking
i keep searching
in this slow dance
in this beautiful mess
i have grown
but i feel blown
old yet young
small yet big
you consume me when you want
i let you when you come....
i beat my self up for this
yet you enjoy this..... maybe
you want me
you want others...
i want you
and i want others
one of us is fooling the other
is one of us loving the other....
working on a puzzle and listening to a podcast
this one is special
its the first one i ever really got into
its the first i ever actually listened to
i am exhausted
i have been for a couple of days
i did not sleep last night
i can not eat
its a mix of both really
its weird how this happened
the need for responsibility
the presence and weight of it
somedays i think i will crumble from it
today i am hoping i survive it
today i am hoping i hold on just a little longer..
no falling apart
today i am hoping i sleep
today i am hoping i laugh for real.
i am sorry.....
i feel terrible....
i believe you
that is the problem
but this part is easy too.
if tables turned
i would make the same choice
i would be sorry too
i would feel terrible too
and do it any way.....
this week i wrote an email...
a very long email
but if i am to tell you this story
i should start from the beginning
i do not know this
i do not remember this either
so how do i tell you
about these other things.....