was it that time you told me you saw too much in me
that there is too much potential in me
or when you went with my eating whim
you just supported me, believed in me.
you still look at me the same way
you still really look at me
that night you told me you liked me
you added..... really like you.....
i still smile to it
this time, the boy likes me..... i smile.
love eventually finds you.
we take baby steps
in the right direction sometimes
we like the boy, we crave the boy, we support the boy
we loooovvvveeee the boy
what do you do when you like a boy?
i think you tell him...
sometimes you tell him so you can know
if he likes you too
sometimes you tell him
so he can know
that you like him
not because you want him to like you
it could be a plus
but this boy you know
you know he likes someone else
you like him enough to be happy for him
with that person even
or someone else.
but whats the point of liking someone
and them never knowing.
so tell that boy you like him
watch him practically run away from you
every time you try to talk to him
let him say yeah baby when he texts you
let him be afraid of you still liking him
text him and ask him if you are okay.......
the two of you.....
yes, you used to like him
but telling him you did set you free
but it actually stopped you from dying inside
falling deeper each day.
and look at him knowing you dont like him
not any more.
to the love i had and lost.
How many parts do you think make up our bodies?
It cant be one whole piece
I think there are different small pieces
These pieces put together to form one whole.
I terrible whole in my case.
Is it even terrible..... I wonder.
All my life I have given parts of me
You see I don't think I have anything sensible to share.
Even parts I didn't know I had, shredded already.
I feel like the universe just decided to cut chunks off me
And share them
Against my will
Every time I stood there, watching.
Sometimes I even felt grateful.
I thought every time..... could be the lucky time
Its just hope
I still hope
I feel like I still have small parts left
Those that haven't been shattered yet.
My not yet shared parts.
I've shared them sometimes in my head
I still do
I still feel stupid after I share them
I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I am a girl.
Who wants to share her self so much
so bad..... they say you never know
That one day you finally get it right.
I wait for that day
I share myself at the moment.... all the time
My parts..... different parts.
what is left of my pieces?
but that's all I have, and I want to share
.....I hope you accept them.
one day, you find love...... and become whole.
How are you?
Did you get happier, taller, smarter?
Are you happy?
I miss you.... I wonder about you....
Do you still remember me?
Would you recognize me if you saw me?
I donot know if I am taller
May be I am.
I think I got darker, but well, my color always changed.
I try to be happier each day.
I definitely found some peace and quiet...
What are you like?
I remember your face, your smile.
I often joke about your weird laugh.
But I also miss it.
I hope you are smart.
Remember you always knew the right answer.
You just have to think about it.
If there was one word
One word, isolated by itself
That I cannot stand above all others
It would have to be "Okay"
I despise "Okay"
Is how your millionth day at work went
Is off-brand raisin bran
Is how you say school is going
When you don't want to admit you spend
Every second of it
Wanting to die
Is packed to the brim with
Like a treasure chest
Filled with bottles
With little subliminal hatreds
Written on tiny slips of paper
Passively aggressively pushed inside
To discover later
As I pull out a treasure map
And try to decipher
Where I went wrong
Is a one word dismissal
That feels like an essay a thousand pages long
Is a poison dripping with disinterest
When I dared to share with you
Something I thought might make you smile
Is like trying to talk to a wall
While watching the paint on it dry
Takes two seconds to write
Yet I waited days
For that dreaded word
To grace my notifications
Should be used sparingly
As if each time you send it
You **** the receiver just a little bit
Should not be said so often that
I know what you're about to say
Like I saw it in a crystal ball
Is not looking up from your phone
When I tell you about my day
Is not the proper response
To "I love you"
They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred
And I can't think of a response
More indifferent to pouring out
My heart into your hands
At least the last thing you said to me
Before we parted ways
Showed that you cared
At least a little bit
"I hate you"
Than the thousands of times
Over our countless conversations
I am a black girl with locs
I wear head wraps and put on African prints
I do not speak with an African accent
or religiously follow the traditions.
For that I am not African enough.
One says he loves me
One looks at me enough to burn holes into me
One comes looking for me only to act like he doesn't know me
One winks and seeks attention when I'm done giving it
One.... one said He can never like me
That one I think I like most
For that I'm foolish.
I am a small girl
I however seek to loose weight more
than people way fatter than me
They all say my size is okay but they are not
my brain and thus don't get to feel fat the way I do
For that they say I'm ungrateful.
I appreciate black men
I just prefer white men
I try not to date black men long time
For that I am racist to them.
I speak to my parents but don't go out
of my way to spend time with them
Past hurt and experiences and avoidance
of future heated discussions leads me
For that I am ungrateful.
I sit in my house and cry.
I cry at worship and feel less and lost most of the time
I take smiley pictures and eat a lot of ice cream
For that I am happy.
I love eating at restaurants and cafes
I love ice cream , cake and wine
I don't like food and rarely eat
I take pictures of my food and ice cream a lot
For that I am a show off
All assumptions, all untrue, all your thoughts
Ask me my name and hold me when I feel I'm falling apart
Love me on days I cant love myself
Ask me about me first.
Then think truths about me.
the girl behind the assumptions.......
I don't know how.
God! I didn't even try
But somewhere along the way,
I fell out of love with you.
12. December. 2018.